The trials of the Fellowship continue, as does the abject weirdness of this script! There’s man-on-man sexy blood magic, cryogenic stasis, and everyone’s favorite part of the books, where the only way into Moria is for Gandalf and Gimli to engage in some weird (and oddly racist) BDSM! Side note: Have you ever had a lost language BEATEN into you? With a stick? What am I saying? Of course you have! It’s a typical rite of passage, right? Right, guys? Right?? Moving on, we get to see John Boorman’s ...
Jan 08, 2020•1 hr 22 min
John Boorman takes us through the history of Middle Earth, the Rise and Fall of Sauron, and the One Ring falling onto the hands of Bilbo Baggins, including the rich tradition of Vaudeville in Rivendell. Oh, you didn’t know that Rivendell is known for juggling, interpretive dance, Kabuki theatre and pantomime? Jeez, have you even read the books? This episode goes a little long, but that’s okay with us, because we got through almost TWO WHOLE SCENES! Yeah, almost. This shit is pretty insane, guys....
Dec 31, 2019•1 hr 15 min
The Hobbits set off for Rivendell, for reasons that are never, ever made clear, and are pursued relentlessly by water-soluble bad guys! They meet an ally along the way, who literally pops up out of nowhere and who they follow for literally no reason at all! The characters manage to have no personalities while simultaneously being somehow unlikable, but at least someone gets stabbed! Who? You’ll just have to listen to find out! But our Patreon supporters already know, because they got to tune in ...
Dec 24, 2019•1 hr 4 min
The start of any movie is where characters, themes and conflicts are established. There is a call to action, the establishment of the central conceit of the movie. It appears John Boorman skipped that part of screenwriting school. What we get here in part one is a confusing party, inconsistent characters, and a completely unmotivated quest, that the characters literally believe to be a vacation. The beginning of this script is like a seven-year-old child recounting what they remember of the begi...
Dec 17, 2019•1 hr 13 min
This episode is ACTION-PACKED… by which we mean that there are pages and pages of no dialogue… but the sheer level of bonkers in that action makes up for it! No exaggeration here: the insanity of this last part of Indy 3 is far in excess of all the insanity that has come before! There is so much insanity that we couldn’t contain it to a normal-length episode! That’s right, as a special treat to you, our beloved listeners, this is a special episode that is almost TWO HOURS LONG! There was just so...
Dec 10, 2019•1 hr 53 min
I know we’ve given you Nazi speedboats, machine gun arms, haunted castles and even a giant tank, but part 7 is where things really start to get silly! We’re talking distracted giant tank driving, African Mountain Sharks, golden cities and gorilla-people! Play a drinking game with this episode: When you get to a point where you assume Stephen Spielberg threw down the script in disgust, take a shot!* *Table Reads claims no responsibility for liver failure as a result of this drinking game. This ep...
Dec 03, 2019•1 hr 12 min
This whole episode is basically just the fight against the giant tank. BUT OH, WHAT A FIGHT! It has a Rhino! And a Ravine! And a bi-Plane! And a friendship tree! The giant tank sequence is basically the Death Star Trench run, but if the Ewoks were fighting on the sides, and TIE fighters worked by crashing into people, and there was a random Tauntaun. The point is: this is the most ambitious and also bonkers sequence ever dreamed up for Indiana Jones, and that’s including the infamous fridge. Agr...
Nov 26, 2019•1 hr 2 min
As we re-join Indy, he is in the midst of a huge pirate battle in the Zambesi river. But that’s far from the most exciting thing to happen to Indy in this episode! Because we go from Pirates to the jungle, where the Nazis have unleashed a new weapon seemingly just to use against Indy! And I really want to elaborate but I also really, really don’t want to spoil the surprise! So give this a listen. It is absolutely unbelievable. You’ll kick yourself if you miss this one. And, as always, your input...
Nov 19, 2019•1 hr 7 min
Hey there. Are you looking for some exposition? WE’VE GOT IT! Are you looking for a bunch of Betsy hijinks? WE’VE GOT THAT TOO! How about some Pirates? Oh, we’ve fucking GOT THAT. Join us for Part 4 of Chris Columbus’ most notorious script, as Indy continues his journey to find… some very nice fresh fruit? And, as always, your input is welcomed! Let us know what you think by dropping us a line on Twitter @theTableReads. You can also follow us on Instagram @theTableReads or Facebook at www.facebo...
Nov 12, 2019•58 min
Part three opens with Indy having just arrived in Africa, where he quickly meets an immortal pygmy, upsets some Nazis, and has to get in a speedboat chase in order to rescue that pygmy from those Nazis, lest he give Hitler the secret to his immortality... And if all of that sounds reasonable to you, then we’re flattered that you’ve discovered our podcast, Mr. Columbus! Whether you’re Chris Columbus or just someone suffering through his writing with us, let us know what you think by dropping us a...
Nov 05, 2019•1 hr 8 min
As we continue reading Chris Columbus’ Indy script, we wrap up the Scooby Doo portion (which appears to have no bearing on anything to come), we get some bizarre Professor Jones hijinks before our quest is finally established, and yes, there is a fair amount of attempted suicide, as all Indiana Jones movies must have…? If you watched Temple of Doom one time, on an airplane, drunk, with a crying baby next to you and headphones that kept cutting out and that was all you ever knew about Indiana Jon...
Oct 29, 2019•1 hr 15 min
Before we tell you about the episode, you should know: We have launched a Patreon page at http://www.patreon.com/TableReads -- sign up for ad-free episodes, early access, live-streamed recording sessions and more! Shawn, Josh and Jeff are reading a pre-Last Crusade Indy 3 script, and right out of the gate, Chris Columbus gives us the most-unlike-Indy Indiana Jones script you can possibly imagine. In fact, if you were to tell me that he had written a Scooby-Doo movie and just changed all the name...
Oct 22, 2019•1 hr 19 min
It’s the Finale of Joss Whedon’s Wonder Woman script and, guys, it starts off in pretty much the dumbest way you can imagine, introducing the silliest aspect of the Wonder Woman mythos, and not even in a good or motivated fashion. Honestly, it feels like he was getting bored with writing the script and decided to just wrap it up as fast as he could. Give it a listen and let us know if you agree! If you'd like more, visit us at www.tablereadspodcast.com . You can also find us on Twitter or Instag...
Aug 20, 2019•1 hr 2 min
We were warned that this script got a bit icky, and this is the part where Joss finally endangers his Feminist Cred, as Diana is made less of a Wonder Woman and more of a Wonder Possession. And all for a man. For shame. If you'd like more, visit us at www.tablereadspodcast.com . You can also find us on Twitter or Instagram under the name @TheTableReads or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/tablereads If YouTube is your favorite place for podcasts, head to YouTube.tablereadspodcast.com or find us on...
Aug 13, 2019•58 min
Steve and Diana arrive in Gateway City, where Diana faces off against Strife for the first time in what must be the biggest coincidence since that Venom goop randomly fell right next to Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3. Also like Spider-Man 3, there is a dance number. And, no, I am not fucking making that up. Luckily, this is overall not anywhere near as bad as Spider-Man 3, so you should be able to get through it without feeling the need to knock yourself unconscious. If you'd like more, visit us a...
Aug 06, 2019•1 hr 1 min
It's part 2 of Joss Whedon's Wonder Woman and things have not gone too badly thus far... Diana establishes herself as a badass, we meet some proper villains, and a reporter is murdered by a train...dragon...skull...thing. Enjoy some fun screenwriting while you can, because we have been assured that this script takes a turn... If you'd like more, visit us at www.tablereadspodcast.com . You can also find us on Twitter or Instagram under the name @TheTableReads or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/ta...
Jul 30, 2019•59 min
Shawn, Kelly and Joshua start reading Joss Whedon's much-reviled 2006 Wonder Woman script! It starts off with a pretty straightforward Wonder Woman origin story and, honestly, there's not much to be upset about in this first episode. Joss is a great writer who knows what he's doing... but this is also the straightforward part. There's time to go off the rails. For now, though, it's good enough to just enjoy Joss' take on the start of Diana's journey to becoming Wonder Woman... If you'd like more...
Jul 23, 2019•58 min
This is it! The stunning finale of Gladiator 2! And by stunning, we mean "wherein literally not a single thing that has been set up in the entire script gets paid off and the story is completely abandoned in the middle of what should be the climax in order to just do something weird and dumb that makes no sense!" Yes, this script fulfilled all our greatest wishes for it. If you'd like more, visit us at www.tablereadspodcast.com . You can also find us on Twitter or Instagram under the name @TheTa...
Jul 16, 2019•1 hr 5 min
As we reach the penultimate segment of our journey through... whatever this script is... we find that the unyielding resolve of the Christians is... pretty yielding, honestly. We get to spend some time with some pretty hip cats, get to stare at some people and get to take a full and precise inventory of everyone and every thing in Rome. With all this counting, you'd think they didn't have a confusing and complicated numerical system! Remember to check out our site at www.tablereadspodcast.com fo...
Jul 09, 2019•1 hr 10 min
Maximus reconnects with his son. Meanwhile, Lucius proves himself be a total douchebag. Meanwhile, Giraffes get a bizarre mention, and we find out that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword... in the most ham-fisted way possible. And in podcast news, we are now on a BUNCH more platforms, including iHeartRadio! In fact, I challenge you to find a platform we're NOT on! Remember to check out our site at www.tablereadspodcast.com for all the latest news, and subscribe wherever you get your podca...
Jul 02, 2019•59 min
Maximus continues on his quest to... something something Rome? Look, I'm sorry. This script makes no sense, has no structure, and was almost certainly written only during Nick Cave's blackout periods. Trying to summarize what's happening in a given episode is, frankly, futile. Some stuff happens. Not much, but some. Shawn, Joshua and Jeff do their best. Which is more than we can say for Nick Cave.
Jun 25, 2019•1 hr 3 min
This week, we're diving further into Gladiator 2, the aborted attempt to resurrect Russell Crowe's Maximus by having him... wander aimlessly through the afterlife? Find out how bad something as great as Gladiator could go wrong! And don't forget to subscribe to make sure you get every episode as soon as it posts!
Jun 18, 2019•1 hr 7 min
"Gladiator 2," you may ask? -- Yes, you read that right. "Didn't the titular Gladiator die," you may ask? -- Oh, yes. "Who wrote this," you may ask? -- Nick Cave. "The musician," you would be remiss not to ask? -- The very same. "I loved 'Red Right Hand!' but does that qualify him to write the sequel to a Best Picture-winning film," you may ask? -- No, it clearly fucking does NOT. That's right; Shawn, Joshua and guest host Jeff are reading the bonkers Gladiator sequel that no one wanted! It's a ...
Jun 11, 2019•1 hr 11 min
It's the conclusion of John August's Preacher script! We got through this in a brisk four episodes because, honestly, it was fucking GREAT! A really solid script deserving of the source material that should have made it to the big screen (though, perhaps not with DJ Caruso at the helm... that could still have ruined it). It's not often that we get a chance to read something good on this show, so consider this a special treat and give it a listen. Also, don't forget to like and subscribe!...
Jun 04, 2019•1 hr 22 min
It's the third installment of John August's 2010 Preacher script, and we've got an Irish Vampire road tripping with a deformed youth, astral projection at a serial killer convention, Jesse and Tulip taken hostage, and something unpleasant going through Tulip's mind. The wild ride continues apace, as we continue to have NO COMPLAINTS with this script! Do you even understand how rare that is? [NOTE: if the answer is no, you really need to go back and listen to old episodes.]
May 28, 2019•1 hr 2 min
John August's Preacher script moves into full swing as the titular preacher, Jesse Custer, takes possession of the entity known as Genesis, he and Tulip are reunited, we're introduced to Cassidy and Arseface, and the Saint of Killers comes into play. It's an action-packed episode that continues to BLOW OUR MINDS with how good it is! Give it a listen, you will not be disappointed!
May 21, 2019•1 hr 6 min
While Kelly is sadly indisposed, Shawn and Joshua are joined by Jeff Lewis to read a genuinely good Preacher script written by John August. Gone is the normal snark and derision, as the gang just thoroughly enjoys an engaging and well-written script. So, our apologies. For real though, guys... this script is SO GOOD. You're going to enjoy this.
May 14, 2019•1 hr 5 min
The FINALE of Shazam!! It’s been quite the journey to get here, but it’s worth it for what must be the single most bizarre ending scenes of any superhero script ever. Or, as this script would put it: THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE SUPERHERO FINALE YOU EVER SAW. Join the gang as they wrap up their reading of this utterly strange take on the Character that Zachary Levi ended up bringing life to!
May 07, 2019•1 hr 7 min
Captain Marvel has his first super-powered smackdown. Billy Batson is revealed as the vulnerable alter-ego of Captain America through a combination of gigantic leaps of logic and miracle-level computer software (that comes pre-installed). Sivana pulls off the single most convoluted kidnapping in the history of film. And I wish that were hyperbole. Join us for the penultimate episode of William Goldman’s SHAZAM!
Apr 30, 2019•1 hr 8 min
Sivana makes Magnificus a super-powered adversary to Captain Marvel! This movie says that ‘You’ll Believe a Girl Can Fall!’ — for, like 18 pages! We see just how much Captain Marvel sucks. Literally. Sivana kidnaps some billionaires, including Orphanage magnate Augustus Gates, leading CM to his first true act of Super-heroism, which is a nice change of pace from using the power of the gods to cheat on a test. Which is a thing that also happens. What I’m saying is that William Goldman was not som...
Apr 23, 2019•1 hr 22 min
