Welcome to Swinger University, the podcast that explores the exciting and often misunderstood world of open relationships. I'm Ed. And I'm Phoebe. And together will be your guides as we blend sex education and sensual exploration with an intellectual twist. Have you ever been playing with a new sexual partner and the condom slipped off? How was it communicated to you? What was your reaction? Can you come back from this?
Instead of brushing it off as no big deal, we're going to reveal my process and outline it in our blog so it may help you address a similar situation or any situation that involves consent and violations of consent. We are proof that you can preserve the friendship and relationship if you so desire. Follow us on YouTube, TikTok, and our social media. You can find all our links on swingeruniversity.com.
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Assuming that's why you have a condom on. And it comes off. Yeah. It's happened to us. I've had condoms break on me before. Yes. And it's a little... Alarming. Yeah. You got to like regroup for a second, figure out what's going on. Yeah. You don't know what your partner's going to say or how they're going to react. Right. You're obviously probably nervous and you're stopping play from pretty much everyone. In the room. So yeah, it's a little disconcerting, but it doesn't have to be.
No. And honestly, our situations have not been like that. They've been pretty easy, pretty easy going. Yeah. And I think most of how it turns out is how you approach it. So depending on how you deal with it, the outcome can be better or worse. We are going to go into how to address it. But how did you, for me, when it happened to me, but for you when the condom broke, how did you address it? What did you say?
Well, as soon as I realized what had happened, I pulled out and informed my partner that the condom had broken and checked in, make sure that they were okay and asked her if she wanted to continue. And she was still very interested in continuing. And I said, great, I'll get another condom. New condom went back at it. Easy peasy. Easy peasy. But I obviously disclosed that it had happened so that she could make an informed decision about what her next steps were and what she wanted to do.
Right. And that's the key, right? Because if you haven't had the STI talk ahead of time before you're playing with your partner, now would be an opportunity to do so if they chose to. Right. So informing them of that situation gives them the opportunity to continue or not and how to proceed next. Yeah. So ghosting, not telling the person and then ghosting them afterwards. You're at somebody's house that comes off and you don't tell them and you ghost them.
That's probably not the best way to handle it. Yeah. Yeah. Now, we've we've had a situation with a partner who lost the condom. We suspect took it off in mid-play and didn't inform us. And we have ghosted them because we have zero interest in playing with someone who would be doing something like that. Right. And we've heard several accounts. I've heard several accounts from several other women to other women that that had happened to that had happened to them, too.
And they suspected that that it wasn't an accident. And so then when it happened to me, I was like, oh, you know, I've heard this twice before already. Three times charm. We're just going to we're good. We're just going to move on from that guy. Yeah. We're just going to move on. So who's at fault in these situations? Right. I mean, is there any one person at fault for a condom slipping off or breaking? No, it really it's an accident. They typically everybody. Yeah. Yeah.
Who slipped it off. Right. Right. But condoms slip off condoms. Everybody remembers sex ed in grade school and I was in grade school. The effectiveness of condoms is about 98 percent. Well, that's because sometimes they fail. Sometimes they come off. So and or they have holes in them or they leak more likely than not. It's a catastrophic failure or it just falls off. Like that's where most of the failures are going to be. And I've had condoms start to slip off.
I'm not quite as erect as when I started and partway through. I noticed things are getting a little extra slippery. And so that's when that's my cue to to stop for a little while. Right. And pull out, do something different and put on a new condom at some point. Sometimes people play with oils and that can degrade the condom and that loses its integrity. Does it get kind of gets sloppy? Yeah. The rubber actually starts to get floppy and stretched out.
It looks like it's been like a when a balloon deflates. Yeah. And it's kind of out of shape. Yep. It looks like that. Ew. Yeah. So you can start to tell that things are going bad. I've had the same thing happen with rubber gloves and working with chemicals and it degrades the rubber and it starts to get really loose and. It starts to floppy. Right. What about, you know, the recipient? Are they at fault? Should they be checking? Should they be have better lights on in the room?
Should they be? Should you be checking for me? Yeah, I mean, I think a little bit of checking is healthy periodically. I think if if this is a new partner that you you've maybe never had sex with before, it's probably good to check them before they enter you. Right. Just to be cautious because especially if you're in doggy, you can't even missionary. You can't necessarily see what's going on. That's true. Down below.
So it doesn't hurt and ladies, no guy's going to be offended if you reach down and kind of help him to get inside. So that's actually a really sneaky way for you to check to see if there's a condom. I think it's. I don't think it's the responsibility of a woman to make sure that their partner has a condom, but I think it's reasonable for them to be cautious. Maybe a tiny bit paranoid if it's a new partner and just double check, you know, trust, but verify.
I think the recipient should be responsible, especially. In a group play situation where there's a lot going on. So if I'm kissing another woman and my partner wants to come enter me, but I'm occupied. I don't really want to stop making out with the other woman to check to see if he has a condom, but in a sense, I am responsible for checking. I can't it's nice to trust that that person will do that. And of course, if it's a new partner, definitely.
But if now I was going to say if it's a ongoing partner, then you shouldn't have to use that same type of pro-call. Although I have had a good friend say they've had some long-term partners that have tried to sneak it off and sneak it in. So, you know, I guess whatever's. Yeah, and I feel uncomfortable saying that it's a woman's fault for not checking. Right. Like that's almost victim blaming, which is why I was hesitant to kind of go that direction.
I wouldn't say fault, but I would say there's some responsibility for making sure someone has put one on. In the traditional sense that it takes two to tango, right? You your sex partners. So, yeah, I think it makes sense that you double check that your partner is being responsible. Sometimes they get all caught up in the moment and they're very anxious to be with you. They don't necessarily they forget sometimes.
Yeah. Not great, but that's also why both people need to double check and make sure that everything's going on the right way. So we've already talked about distractions in the room. The room could be dark, which they frequently are. The lights are low, right? And there's that sex position that we also were talking about, right? Even missionary, doggy, missionary, whatever position as women. We really don't have eyeballs down there. You guys get to see all the good stuff, right?
We don't get to see any of that. No. Unless I'm behind you while you're fucking somebody else. Or there's a camera. Oh, yeah, that's true too. And a big screen TV being broadcast too. To the living room? Which is so much fun. We haven't done that in a while. Really long while. There's no time like the present. Oh my goodness. All right. We're going to describe what happened. My story. And then we're going to launch into how we had the conversation and the technique we used.
And this was really a great technique that I got from the consent Academy. And I'm going to share it with you. And I'm going to put it in a blog so that you have it in case you want to use this. So here's a story. Long-term friendship, several years. Yes. Seen them at multiple parties. Love them dearly. And had a great rapport. We just never got down with them. Mostly because I think we thought they were new and we were respecting their boundaries. And they were new.
But we didn't know they were shy. Well, I thought they were more shy than they maybe really are. I thought they came off more shy. But what we learned was basically they didn't know how to pull the trigger. Right. It's the closing the deal. The transition thing, which is so hard for so many couples. Right. And we were being uber respectful of their newness and not being pushy. We didn't transition well either. So we had this constant miss, miss, miss.
We had some great dinners and late evening conversations, but it could have been so much better. It could have been. So we the night happens, right? We have them over. We've got snacks and we had some dinner planned and we had some drinks and the missus and I did a lingerie change. And basically once that happened, it went from lingerie to naked in like five minutes. Right. So her and I come down the hall.
We're standing in the front entryway, which opens out to the living area where you and the mister was and you guys come running over to us at the entryway. So we didn't even get out into the living space. No. And then fondling and kissing happened and then all of a sudden we're back to the bedroom. Right. So the best and worst part about lingerie is it will totally kick the party off. But that also means you're probably only wearing it for about four seconds.
Yes. It looks great for five seconds. Yep. But you know, it served its purpose. It kicked off the party. Yes. So we're playing and we're playing and we're having a really good time. You're at the one end of the bed. I'm on the side of the bed. I think we're going to this L shape on the bed and we were having a really good time. Yeah. We tried all kinds of different stuff, different toys, lots of fun. Different toys.
Yeah, different positions and fun, laughing, good conversation and just getting down to it. Right. Right. And so we wrap it up at one point because we were getting thirsty and I think the mystery was. We hadn't had dinner. Oh, that's right. We hadn't had dinner. We had some snacks and then we went straight to business because we were like, we're not messing this up this time. We're going to transition better than we've ever transitioned.
Yeah. And so then we had, we cooked dinner, we ate dinner and we hung out for another hour or so. Yeah. And then they left. Yeah. It was a great evening. Yeah. Really nice. So Ed and I are having sex the next morning and I will tell you that not every time do Ed and I have reclaimed sex as somebody, some people call it or connective sex or what's the other term that people use? Yeah, reconnective sex. Reconnective sex. Yeah. Reconnective or reclaimed.
We don't always do that now after we played with another couple. We used to always do that in the beginning. It was like essential necessary, right? And we get that bond back. But now we're like, we're good. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. He's not going anywhere. Like we're super comfortable. We're doing it the next morning. So this is it. That's important. Ed's fucking me. I'm having a really good time. All of a sudden, you know, I'm looking at his face.
I'm like, oh, he's having a great time. And then his, he stops and then he sticks his fingers in me and he's like doing this finger twirl. I go, I'm thinking, oh wow, this is kind of nice. This must be a new technique that he learned the night before. Fun. He's practicing it on me. Awesome. All of a sudden, there's a condom on his finger. Right. He's looking at his finger. I'm looking at his face. He looks at me. My heart drops. I'm speechless.
I try to speak and I'm going, I don't even know what to say. We're not even sure what happened or what. We're like connecting the dots. I'm trying to connect the dots. I'm trying to piece it together. I'm super shocked and I'm thinking, what if I didn't, what if you didn't find that this morning? What if you didn't find it for three days? Right. I wouldn't have known it's in there. I've lost a tampon in there before and I didn't know it was in there. Yeah. Until bad things started to happen.
So that could have been really bad for me. So I'm upset. I'm angry and the whole euphoria of the night before, you know, the feels from that amazing experience were gone. Yeah. Kind of went downhill with, you know, all that with the other couple. So we sat around, I don't know, for like an hour trying to piece this together, trying to figure it out. And then we're going in our mind like, oh my God, you know, do we, how do we approach this? What do we say? What do we do? What about STIs?
I'm too angry to talk about it. I wasn't given a choice. What if I got something now? What if they lied about something now? Ed's got it because I didn't have a choice, an informed choice last night to abstain from sex with my partner because I knew about it last night. All the things, all the things, all the things. It was a bad day. So I decided I needed to wait, process these emotions.
I knew it probably take two or three days and I wanted to see if they would say anything, come through with an apology. Right. Based on the assumption, they knew that they knew. Right. And I know everyone's going, oh my God, of course he knew. But he didn't. And I can say that there have been times when, for example, when the condom broke on me, I didn't realize immediately that it had broken. So you're going in for a one stroke, two stroke, three stroke in your life. This is really smooth.
This is extra smooth. And then of course, you know, the other part of the brain kicks in at some point and says, huh, I wonder if there's something, something's wrong. But you don't always realize that at first, especially if you've been having a prolonged period of sex, you're desensitized a little bit. It all starts to kind of numb a little bit. And you don't, don't always know. Right. And so I could not step into the shoes of the man until day three.
I was very angry and I thought, of course he knows, of course he knows there's no way he wouldn't know. And then I stepped into Ed's shoes and I started to ask Ed to come through with me. And I started to ask Ed a bunch of questions and I said, okay, I asked him the question that you just answered, which was, can you feel anything different? Sometimes. So then I asked, how can you not feel the tight band that's like gripping your penis at the base? How can you not feel that pressure?
And what is your answer? Well, if you've started to go a little soft, you don't have that tight pressure. Right. It changes. It's always changing. Like it's not on and off, it's degrees of hardness. And it comes up and down throughout the evening. Right. And the day and the night and all that. And in the morning, especially in the morning. So I wasn't aware of that. I wasn't thinking of that. I'm just thinking it's hard. You know, you're going to feel the pressure.
You're going to feel this rubber sensation because everyone complains about how it's horrible to have sex with the condom. And I'm thinking it's got to be obvious. But you're telling me not really. Yeah. All right. So let's say this happens. There's a condom slip and you've just been through this situation with another couple. How do you handle it? How do you bring it up and have that conversation? I didn't have any tools to do this until recently.
And I'm going to share those with you in a second. And now this ideally you would do if you're wanting to preserve the friendship and not just ghost them. If it was an okay interaction, you don't think you're ever going to see them again in the community or ever. Right. It was a one-time thing. Sure. You know, maybe you don't want to reach out to them. You just get your STI test and then you contact them later if something comes up right from your test. It's all up to you.
But let's say you want to preserve the relationship. So what I did was I told them ahead of time what had happened in a text message. So because I didn't want to blindside them. First I was going to blindside them. But I said that was not a good idea. So I said, hey, I want to talk to you about something that happened the other night. Let's set up a Zoom call. And they said fine. And so then I told them what happened and they were really freaked out.
And honestly embarrassed and very empathetic about the whole thing. Yes. Yes, they were. They were also very apologetic and wanted to get into the details. But I told them I needed that extra day to continue processing. Right. And so we set the date and I wanted to give them time to process that information as well because I had already had a few days. And so I thought it was only fair for them to talk between each other. They'd been at work and you know, they needed to discuss it.
Right. So I used the consent Academy process for when consent is broken. And here before I get into that, I always keep saying before I get into that, the reason I used the consent model is because it was technically consent. He consented to wear a condom. And we consented to have safe sex. Right. Consent was broken when the condom fell off. Was it an accident? Yes, but consent was still broken and there was still damage done. So going through that process is important.
And so I started off with I want to talk to you about something that occurred when we all played together, but I already told them that, right? Right. And and I said, I'm presenting this in this way because I really do feel like the friendship can be repaired. Right. And I want to use the steps of consent to help me explain what occurred in the most neutral way that I can. And I recognize that it was an accident and no one is no one is to blame.
So I stated the obvious that the condom slipped off and was lost inside of me and that the agreement was that a condom would be worn and that the, you know, kind of fell off. Therefore, that agreement and consent was broken. Right. It was an accident, but the impact is still there. So I expressed my feelings and then I expressed how it impacted me. The third thing I expressed was the unknown future impact it would have on me. I expressed what I would like. That was number four.
Number five is what I need and number six is how to make amends. Right. And in all of that, my feelings were disappointment that the information wasn't disclosed to me right away or even days later. But, you know, in hindsight, they did not know until I told them I had feelings of sadness and some anger. It removed all the excitement like we talked about from, from that good experience, that sexual interaction.
And I really did feel deeply disrespected and disappointed because I thought they knew. Right. Right. And they just chose not to tell me, but that wasn't the case, right? It impacted me and my ability to make decisions about my physical health and what I chose to do with my body and how I chose to share my body with you. So by delaying the knowledge that the condom was off, I couldn't provide you with the choice of abstaining sex with me. Right.
And if it was a case I had an STI, then you wouldn't get it. Therefore, you wouldn't have to be on medicine or go to the doctor and all that nonsense that comes with all that stuff. Right. Yeah. It would just be with me. We could have worked that out. The delayed knowledge of the condom being in there and then not finding it, I could have got a yeast infection or bacterial infection, which would have been a trip to the doctor and the pharmacy and medicines and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So the unknown future impact was infections, the STI, potential costs, time off from work, the time for, I mean, my God, trying to get a telehealth visit or an in-doctor visit, going to the pharmacy and getting the medicine, all that stuff around STIs. It's a lot. And then being on some medicines, you can't drink alcohol. Now that's impacted my quality of life because I can't have a drink because I'm on special meds. Right. And I can't have sex with you for several weeks.
This is all worst case scenario if I had an STI, right? Future impact. But I'm thinking down those roads because I don't really know. Now we covered that conversation before we played, but I still want to cover that conversation again with them. So I do. And the next thing I asked for is an apology. And I asked if there are any other STIs that I need to be aware of that they didn't disclose or feel comfortable disclosing before. Like if you're kind of hiding it before now, I really need to know.
It's not everybody's honest. You think they are and you trust that people are, but. Right. And I really wanted our friendship to continue. I also said that if we were to have another encounter again, that I was no longer going to be in a doggy position because. Yeah. Condoms just have issue with you and doggy. I tend to rip them off. Yeah. Yeah. And I asked for multiple condom checks when you're inside me periodically reach down and check finding the right sign.
If we don't have one, then bring some of your own that are latex free. Right. And if it slips off immediately disclose it to me. Even if you don't know if it came off, if you think it might have. Talk about it because a little finger search just to double check is well worth it. Right. And we haven't gotten into his story, which we're going to get into right after I finished step four and five. Step four is how to make amends. And honestly, I wasn't really sure what that was.
And I told him, I'm not sure how to make amends for this. And then the last step was how to prevent it better. And then the last step was how to prevent it better. Right size, condom, frequent, condom checks, counting your condoms, right? Which honestly can be tricky. Sometimes if you're in an orgy, the room's dark, you've had multiple sessions. Right. Sometimes you lose track. Sometimes you lose track of your condoms. Have your partner pay attention for you or help you.
And then, you know, there's a downside, of course, to all the other things that you're doing. Or help you. And then, you know, there's a downside, of course, to all that. And it takes away your focus of play if you're watching. If you're being safety checker. Right. Yeah. So the summary of steps before we get into his side of the story is what occurred, feelings, the impact, unknown future impact, what I want. So everyone is dying to know, like, how did this possibly happen? Did he apologize?
Yes. Of course. What was his story? So as I had kind of suspected this, you know, condoms sometimes get sloppy and loose. And when it had happened, he looked down on the ground and there was a condom there. And he had made the assumption that the condom that was on the ground was the condom that had come off. And if anything, it's a lesson in when you take a condom off, don't throw it on the floor first. Because if it's somebody else's house party, you might forget to clean it up.
And it's just respectful to clean up at a house party. Not that that was an issue here because, you know, we were going to clean up afterwards. But secondarily, keeping it up off the floor means that you know which condoms are where and which ones were used. And you can kind of put them out in a place where you know that it was used and when you took it off. Right. If it's just on the floor, you might have something like this happen where you think it fell off and that's the one.
But it's not the condom that fell off. Of course, I had all kinds of questions around that, which was how do you not know it fell off? Like you're pulling your penis out of a giant. How do you not feel it slipping off? How do you not see it fall? Well, in our last episode where we talked about kissing, we talked about how many nerve endings are there. Penis doesn't have all that many nerve endings as much as you'd think.
So it's not as delicate as your fingertips or your mouth to be able to have those kinds of sensations. And so it's kind of a, for lack of a better description, a blunt instrument. It feels a lot. It feels really good to rub it on things, but it doesn't have that kind of tactile sensitivity that like a finger does to know when things are going to go. It's just to know when things are there and when they're not.
And like I said, if you've been playing for a while, you do get a little desensitized and those nerve endings are not quite as tingly as they are before. Now, in my perspective, I think if I had been in that situation, I probably would have said, okay, I'm just going to double check. I think the condom came out and off, but let's just check because I've had condoms, like I said, break and fall off.
And I've wanted to make sure that all the bits and pieces are out because foreign objects floating around down in there, not such a good thing. Right. So that's my tip that if it does actually come off, double check. Yeah. She'll appreciate it. And who knows? Maybe it's another round of fingering and oral and you have some other fun. But yeah, double check. Right. I have had condoms come off inside me, but they're like still they're like half in half out. You can see them.
Yeah. And so the guy will say he's pulled out and he's pulled out of the condom and my right. And he's like, oh, this was, he has gripped the condom and it's sticking half out. And he's like, oh, and then he'll pull it out and he'll show me. And he goes, I pulled out. It was still inside you. And then we look to see if all the pieces are there. So imagine if you had been wetter and he'd pulled out and it had also come out at the same time.
So he's slipping out and it's slipping out of you at the same time. It's possible that it could have fallen. We had some, we have some rules now to move forward with condom play, count, check, maybe some better lighting. I'll check. He'll do periodic checks, wear a different size condom, whatever. Yeah. So and change positions. And I, from that process, I learned I can do that with other partners in the future to help, you know, this situation to, to, to lessen the chance of that happening.
Yeah. It's going to happen again. Sure. You're just lowering your risk for it. Correct. Correct. Of course, our friends felt horrible and they were very good listeners and he apologized and they loved, actually, that I spoke up about it rather than let it stew. And as a result, I feel like we have a stronger friendship now and that we all learned something from this experience. Until next time, stay curious and keep learning.