It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in Sweet Valley, and the ghost of boyfriends past (ahem…Jeffrey French) and terrible dads have come to teach Enid a thing or two about love, family, and marijuana. We also learn about the shocking power of Christmas cookies, the warning signs for parental manipulation, and the chokehold that mistletoe had on Sweet Valley teens in the 80s in “Books Are Mother” (Sweet Valley Super Star, Enid’s Story).
Jun 24, 2025•1 hr 36 min•Season 1Ep. 86
This week, we have the ultimate battle for quarterback supremacy as newly no-longer-blind Ken Matthews faces off against (gasp) GIRL Claire Middleton. Can SVH handle a woman on the football team? Can Jessica and the cheerleaders bully Claire into dropping out and restoring the status quo? Can anyone rhyme “score” with something other than “more”? Join us as we answer these questions, plus discuss an exciting new business opportunity, explore the undeniable hold of “The Valley” (the other one), a...
Jun 17, 2025•1 hr 24 min•Season 1Ep. 85
**Content warning: graphic racial violence** This week, we have a complicated book and a roller coaster of an episode. Our text follows Neil, a White teenager who develops increasingly racist perspectives and gradually turns against his Black friend Andy until things reach a head in a highly upsetting climax. Meanwhile, Sweet Valley High is having a broader reckoning about inequality when the results of a recent student survey reveal widespread grievances on everything from funding for women’s s...
Jun 10, 2025•1 hr 22 min•Season 1Ep. 84
Just for fun, try this quick thought experiment. Soccer boy meets rocker girl. Soccer boy and rocker girl bond over classic cinema. Soccer boy and rocker girl fall in love, playing right into the hands of the liberal democratic agenda to produce acquiescent subjects serving the needs of the state under the guise of that which is perceived as the most authentic of experiences…romantic love. (But we’re not going to talk about that). In this week’s text, Liz and Todd work together to set up Dana La...
Jun 02, 2025•1 hr 16 min•Season 1Ep. 83
Blonde twins scheming to romantically entrap their parents? We know what you’re thinking, but this is completely different. In The Parent PLOT (yes, PLOT!), Jess’s and Liz’s plots are at odds with each other–Liz trying to get their parents back together, and Jess working to set them up with new partners! Along the way, we discuss family guilt, Robert’s new hobby (you guessed it–sexing mice), and the appropriateness of being on a date with your student’s mother at Chez Sam. Join us for “What Dart...
May 27, 2025•1 hr 33 min•Season 1Ep. 82
This week, we have the fallout from Tahoe in the second book of the trilogy dealing with the Wakefields’ marital drama. When their parents separate, the twins adapt as best they can, with Liz “running away” (aka sleeping at Enid’s for one night) and Jess leveraging parental guilt to get extra money for western wear. Plus, Jess finally plans to meet the mysterious “Charlie” she’s been talking to on a party line. Join us as we brace for the stunning reveal in “The Ululations and Throatations of th...
Apr 29, 2025•1 hr 8 min•Season 1Ep. 81
This week, it’s Succession meets Flea Market Flip when grandfather Patman announces a cutthroat competition between Bruce and Roger, and the stakes couldn’t be higher: the keys to the Patman estate. Along the way, we discuss embarrassing moments (coulda been Alanis!), heterosocial friendships, and slow-flushing toilets in “The Rabbit and The Hare“ (Sweet Valley High Super Star #2, Bruce’s Story).
Apr 22, 2025•1 hr 23 min•Season 1Ep. 80
*** updated *** This week, we look into the void and come face-to-face with our own obsolescence. Pardo has made the fatal error of prompting ChatGPT to write an episode script in our voices, and when we do a live table read, the results are terrifyingly accurate. Meanwhile in Sweet Valley, marital tensions are escalating at the Wakefield home, so Jess escapes to a happier place—a teen party line that charges a dollar a minute! When she starts getting to know the mysterious “Charlie,” we wonder ...
Apr 16, 2025•1 hr 5 min•Season 1Ep. 79
There’s a new girl in town, and—wouldn’t you know it—she looks just like Steven’s dead girlfriend, Tricia Martin! This throws Steven into a state of delusion and psychosis, setting the stage for a horror film that would make Hitchcock herself jealous. Meanwhile, Jess embraces green juice and recycling as she sets her sights on a new boy with an eco-friendly lifestyle. Underneath his “No Nukes” T-shirt is, after all, a lean physique. Join us as we explore manic pixie dream ghosts, discuss patholo...
Apr 08, 2025•1 hr 10 min•Season 1Ep. 78
Note: Readers are advised to read this book with a pair of scissors in hand. Sick of being pigeonholed as predictable and boring, Liz decides to surprise everyone by secretly taking surfing lessons. To her (and our) delight, she turns out to be quite the little surfer girl, inadvertently referencing the song Robert’s parents danced to at their bar mitzvah! As Liz leans in and hangs ten, the hearts of little Becky, adult Becky, and adult Robert begin to soar with the promise of (completely develo...
Apr 01, 2025•1 hr 25 min•Season 1Ep. 77
This week is an absolute barn burner of a book, as we meet two of the most memorable characters in all of literature: cool rocker chick Magenta Galaxy and upper crust society darling Daniella Fromage. Jessica has cultivated these alter egos in a scheme to enhance her dating prospects, but–wouldn’t you know– Magenta and Daniella get double booked for the same night, and Liz has to step in and assume one of the roles. What ensues is a madcap farce of epic proportions that has left an indelible mar...
Mar 25, 2025•1 hr 33 min•Season 1Ep. 75
This week’s book, as Dylan Thomas (as quoted by Robert) says, “forks no lightning.” The A-plot’s central conflict revolves around Patty’s boyfriend coming home the same weekend as her sister (?). And in the B-plot, Jess is painting T-shirts… again. It’s boring. It’s nothing. It’s a piece of water. Whatever! Luckily this utterly blank canvas provides an abundance of space for us to paint freely on such topics as Jerry Seinfeld, human evolution, the Y2K boy band 2gether, and more. Join us as we tr...
Mar 18, 2025•59 min•Season 1Ep. 75
What this week’s book lacks in cover and title interest, it more than makes up for in fun, froth, and flirtation. It’s our first Super Star Edition, and we’re learning that resident rich bitch Lila Fowler is more than just a gorgeous heiress: she’s a master manipulator, a timely eavesdropper, and…an AV maven? When her computer chip magnate father brings home a new fiancee, Lila senses something treacherous afoot. For someone so rich, she thinks, this woman seems “not exactly solvent.” Will Lila ...
Mar 11, 2025•1 hr 12 min•Season 1Ep. 74
Join us under the covers this week for some quiet sobbing (it should feel wrong!) as we follow star quarterback Jason Street–oops, we mean Ken Matthews–dealing with the ramifications of a “fatal” (was it?) night. Petite brunette Terri admires Ken from afar, pondering the question every teen girl in history has asked: “Will he ever notice me, not just as the Assistant Statistician to the Sweet Valley High football team, but as someone special?” Along the way, Liz gets a glowing performance review...
Feb 11, 2025•1 hr 26 min•Season 1Ep. 73
This week, Todd and Liz negotiate their burgeoning new relationship as they are pitted against each other in a rope climb for this week’s high-stakes local event: the “Battle of the Schools” mini-Olympics (BOTSMO). BOTSMO includes both private and public school students and Jessica is ambivalent about her allegiances within the class warfare. Will she remain loyal to her humble public school roots, or go over to the dark side and have to change her name to Bureaucracy Rothschild? Join us as we d...
Feb 04, 2025•1 hr 14 min•Season 1Ep. 72
This week, shockwaves echo throughout Sweet Valley with the return of America’s second favorite homo, Todd. Yes, “Todd’s back”—and this time… he’s rich. Liz must decide whether to stay with Jeffrey, her current boyfriend and Pardo’s truest prince, or to go back to Todd, discarding Jeffrey like so much week-old chicken salad. Along the way, we trace the history of gazebos throughout literature, Pardo gives Liz a long-overdue performance review, and Robert becomes gradually radicalized into the #J...
Jan 28, 2025•1 hr 22 min•Season 1Ep. 71
This week, beloved side character Olivia has her eyes on the hot new painting teacher at Sweet Valley High, who—spoiler alert—lacks appropriate boundaries. Join us as we discuss crushes (are they always already diminutive?), the difficulty of describing paintings with text (shapes and colors, colors and shapes), and how to use a lie detector test for maximum drama in “Which Deep Hues?!” (Sweet Valley High #57, Teacher Crush).
Jan 21, 2025•1 hr 34 min•Season 1Ep. 70
In our fourth Super Thriller, we have pranks gone too far. In order to embarrass Liz, Jess and Lila contrive an apparently harmless Ouija Board scheme that turns out to have a *deadly* twist. Will the Ouija board’s predictions lead to an “explosive” climax? Meanwhile, a psychopath is terrorizing Sweet Valley with hoax bomb threats! After a series of empty threats, is something bound to go “boom”? Join us as we discuss incel propaganda, the epistemology of Ouija boards, and too much chicken in “H...
Jan 14, 2025•1 hr 30 min•Season 1Ep. 69
This week, Jess is stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific. In an eerie parallel, Pardo struggles to assemble an over-the-toilet storage unit for her bathroom. Will these young, beautiful, resourceful women succeed in creating comfortable domiciles by using the primitive tools available to them in these extraordinary circumstances? Along the way, we manage to weave together Annie Lennox, 90s computer games, and why Brandeis would have been called Bussy-deis if not for a crucia...
Jan 07, 2025•1 hr 21 min•Season 1Ep. 68
We are in the basketball mood this week! Join us as we follow Sweet Valley High’s performance in the playoffs and ponder the important question: are girls allowed to be tall? Along the way, we discuss theories of style, meet “our first named hag” (Pardo, 2024), and Robert (hereafter known as Flyboy) shares a traumatizing story of having their photo in the news as a youth, in “Which Ear is the Gay Ear?” (Sweet Valley High #55, Perfect Shot).
Dec 17, 2024•1 hr 43 min•Season 1Ep. 67
This week, we have a devious bait and switch: what appears to be a fun and frothy story of dating two boys in one weekend turns out to be a cautionary tale that ends (as they often do) with Liz tied up in a trunk. Meanwhile, Robert has a slow meltdown when they realize their grand Inception-style theory of the plot has been dismantled by a small detail regarding a seal (sea lion?) stuffed animal. Join us for “Again with this, with the rope and the trunk” (Sweet Valley High #54, Two Boy Weekend)....
Dec 10, 2024•1 hr 16 min•Season 1Ep. 66
This week, Pardo goes on an epic quest to make coffee. Meanwhile in Sweet Valley, Kristen the tennis prodigy goes on quite the journey herself, figuring out whether she could might ever leave the tennis club dining room. Join us for a conversation about choices, second chances, and what happens when your tennis coach becomes your new mom (sorry!) in “Barista under Duress” (Sweet Valley High #53, Second Chance).
Nov 19, 2024•1 hr 40 min•Season 1Ep. 65
This week, Robert’s GI system tackles an overabundance of acid, and our text tackles an age old question: Should girlfriends let their boyfriends spend time with their uncles? Plus, the most erotic pinball passage in the history of literature (and we would know; we read a lot of pinball fanfic). Join us for “UncleGate Part 2: This Time It’s Personal” (Sweet Valley High #52, White Lies).
Nov 12, 2024•1 hr 21 min•Season 1Ep. 64
This week, we’re plunged into the seedy underbelly of the world of sports betting as Ronnie Edwards (Small Fry) tries to figure out how to pay off his debts to Big Al. More importantly, she’s making jewelry now! Jessica launches an exciting entrepreneurial adventure, and nothing can stand in her way of accessory domination! Come for the catchy jingle, stay (please?) for Robert’s eight minute monologue on PF Chang’s and Good Girls in “Yeah, I Know What a Point Spread Is” (Sweet Valley High #51, A...
Nov 05, 2024•1 hr 8 min•Season 1Ep. 63
This week, in honor of Halloween, we have an especially spooky text full of fake ghosts, threatened imprisonment, and terrifying late night calls to the morgue! As Nicholas Morrow falls for beautiful, young Barbara, he begins to worry that things aren’t adding up: she can’t leave the grounds of Bayview House, no one can know that they’re together, and she dresses like someone out of another time. Is she real, or just a hot ghost? Meanwhile, Liz and Jess are investigating a sketchy mayoral candid...
Oct 29, 2024•1 hr 24 min•Season 1Ep. 62
This week, we are overjoyed to be joined in a totally non-tokenizing way by artist, musician, and the specialist of guests Elliot Caroll on the momentous occasion of our 50th BOOK! (Not episode! Book!) We discuss the shame of public dancing, Chinese proverbs, and the ontological status of midlife crises in “The Way of the Bamboo” (Sweet Valley High #50, Out of Reach).
Oct 22, 2024•1 hr 57 min•Season 1Ep. 61
This week, we have a return to form involving fashion show sabotage, a twin identity switch, and Jessica using all of her charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to vanquish a rival, get the guy, and secure a highly coveted brand partnership, all in one night. Along the way, we digress into birding, Koko the gorilla, and nuclear war—you know, how terrible it would be if there was one. Put on your housecoat, grab some cold spaghetti, and join us for “The Pacific Really Makes You Think” (Sweet Vall...
Oct 15, 2024•1 hr 39 min•Season 1Ep. 60
Somebody call the doctor! Everyone in Sweet Valley (including Robert and Pardo) have a chronic case of Slam Book Fever! It’s positively diagnosable at this point, as the whole junior class is in a tizzy over who gets voted Biggest Flirt, Perfect Couple, and Most Likely to Always Be a Millionaire! Join us as we talk about our own harrowing experiences with senior superlatives, Lauren Conrad’s cultural criticism, and, of course, slam books as performative texts, in “Reddest Head” (Sweet Valley Hig...
Oct 08, 2024•1 hr 33 min•Season 1Ep. 59
This week, we have a love triangle nobody cares about in the A plot. Thankfully, the B plot involves Jess flexing her comedic chops and evolving into a character actress in addition to a leading lady. Join us for a discussion of fraternity hazing, Oreos, and the trope of the secretly sensitive asshole, in “Assaultmaker” (Sweet Valley High #47, Troublemaker).
Oct 01, 2024•1 hr 13 min•Season 1Ep. 58
This week, Pardo is sick with a cold, and Liz is sick with an unquenchable lust for her new dirty habit. While her friend Robin Wilson is asking the big questions (Should I go to Sarah Lawrence, which 40 years from now will be the site of a notorious sex cult that will be documented in a gripping Hulu limited series???), Liz shamefully hides in Jessica’s room, doing something positively blasphemous. Join us for a discussion of rich aunts, tough decisions, and sex cults in “A Powerful Allegory ab...
Sep 24, 2024•1 hr 26 min•Season 1Ep. 57
