• In order to interact and engage more fully in conversations, we need to work against our not-so-useful habits and learn better ones. • A non-negotiable habit is becoming a master at using questions. The right questions help people feel closer to us, communicate our attention and care, share our competence, show that we’re aware and paying attention, deepen intimacy, guide the conversation, and make us more trustworthy. • All exchanges, and hence all questions, are typically on one of three pos...
Sep 13, 2022•43 min
• Arguments are sometimes inevitable but we can argue best if we use “steel manning” rather than attacking a strawman. Create the best version of your opponent’s argument by breaking it down, then help them build that argument, actively arguing on your counterpart’s behalf. You will more quickly reach harmonious agreement, or at least disagree more civilly. • Use the fogging technique to manage people who are aggressive or unreasonable. By giving people a minimal, calm response that they cannot ...
Sep 06, 2022•39 min
• What you don’t say is also important. When you speak, remember to include pauses in the right places to convey confidence or emphasis. Give your listeners time to digest what you’ve said. • Use the Pareto principle, or the 80-20 rule, and try to make 80% of the conversation about the other person and 20% about yourself. Listen, ask questions, and pay attention rather than forcing a particular topic, being fake, trying to impress or interrupting. • Be aware of microexpressions (tiny, ultra-rapi...
Aug 30, 2022•37 min
• Part 1 of this book is all about the charismatic presence. How might you wish for someone to describe you, and how much does that differ from reality? And then, how do you bridge the gap between these two versions of yourself? Part 1 is more theoretical and introspective, while Part 2 is all about action. How do you actually create the type of interactions that will draw people to you, regardless of your current personality? • Unsurprisingly, it all starts with empathy. When you have empathy, ...
Aug 23, 2022•21 min
• There are many ways to assert your own boundaries and limits without encroaching on others’. Try the stuck record technique (calmly repeating your limit without budging), the “positive no” (reiterate what you are saying yes to) negative assertion or negative enquiry (accepting and enquiring about criticism). • The DESC model can help you stand up for yourself. Describe the facts of the situation, Express how you are being affected, suggest a specific Solution, then finish with a Conclusion/con...
Aug 16, 2022•37 min
• Your voice is a powerful nonverbal communicator. Be aware of your pitch, volume, articulation and pace, and practice to ensure you’re having the effect you want. • Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio found that people make decisions not from logic but from emotion – which is what you should speak to when trying to connect meaningfully with others. • You can use open loops to create conversations that feel rich, full, and “complete.” Simply start a story and don’t finish it, so you can return later ...
Aug 09, 2022•32 min
• We can condense the four theories of charisma into 5 distinct charismatic traits: likeability and warmth; power and influence; emotional intelligence; presence, awareness and self-control; and social intelligence and leadership. If we can consistently hit these five notes in our social interactions, we cannot help but boost our “charisma quotient.” • To be impactful, charisma has to be genuine to us. We need to take responsibility for honestly appraising our skills and taking concrete action t...
Aug 02, 2022•27 min
• One useful conversational skill is chunking, where you vary the level of information you get coming back to you. This way, you can reach an agreement, acquire more and correct detail, or even persuade people to move from one plane of thought to another. Chunk up to gain a broader view everyone can agree on, and chunk down to find detail. Move from general to specific, keeping the other person’s reactions in mind. • Use clean language to discover, explore and work with people’s metaphors withou...
Jul 26, 2022•45 min
• Conversational charm is about connecting genuinely to others. First, get your ego out of the way by suspending judgment and forgetting about agreement or disagreement. Listen actively, pay full attention and avoid the temptation to connect everything they say to yourself! • Move slowly and sequentially through the three stages of rapport by making appropriate disclosures to signal trust and willingness to connect. Light disclosure can be an embarrassing tale. Medium disclosure shares your beli...
Jul 19, 2022•36 min
• Olivia Fox Cabane explains how there are four charisma types according to the proportion of power, presence and warmth. The focused charismatic (who pays deep attention to others), the visionary charismatic (who communicates their infectious passion), the kind charismatic (who inspires with warmth and compassion) and the authoritative charismatic (who leads others with expertise and power). • Depending on your goals, you can play up your natural charisma strengths or seek to balance out your w...
Jul 12, 2022•39 min
• Empathy is a nonnegotiable ingredient in genuine, connected interactions, and one easy way to create it is to give compliments. Make it authentic, meaningful to the person receiving it and specific, Avoid insincere exaggeration or vague niceties that don’t speak to a person’s values. • Learn to recognize “bids for attention” because when you “turn toward” these unspoken requests for connection and validation, you deepen and strengthen relationships of all kinds, and respond with empathy. Turni...
Jul 05, 2022•31 min
• Most people fail to be charming in conversations because they misunderstand what it really means to be charming. But anyone can build their charisma by practicing a few concrete skills. • Firstly, use mirroring to signal connection and understanding. Whether it’s verbally, nonverbally, or even emotionally, mirroring can build rapport between you and the other person. • Use Albrecht’s “rule of three” to help you have more balanced conversations, i.e. ones where you do enough listening. What you...
Jun 28, 2022•31 min
• Charming people may seem to possess a mysterious quality nobody else does, but charisma is a knowable set of social and emotional behaviors that anyone can learn. • Charisma can be defined as a blend of likeability and influence. Charismatics have presence in a room, can impact and persuade others, can lead, but also know how to put people at ease, are warm, smile often, and get along with anyone. • Practice taking up more space in a room, and examine any core beliefs that may negatively impac...
Jun 21, 2022•43 min
• No matter who you are, it’s always possible to improve your people skills and become a more charming and more likable conversationalist. • Start by building more social awareness. If eye contact is often awkward or uncomfortable, try the triangle technique: Draw an imaginary inverted triangle on the other person’s face around their eyes and mouth. During the conversation, change your gaze every five to ten seconds. • Be aware of proxemics as a nonverbal mode of communication. Intimate, social,...
Jun 14, 2022•36 min
A lot of the art of body language is, once pointed out, rather intuitive. This is because each of us is actually already fluent in its interpretation. It is merely allowing ourselves to de-emphasize the verbal for a moment to take notice of the wealth of nonverbal information that’s always flowing between people. None of it is really concealed. Rather, it’s a question of opening up to data coming in on a channel we are not taught to pay attention to. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/readpeopleking ...
Jun 07, 2022•10 min
We tend to think being agreeable and accommodating are positive traits. They are, but only to a certain extent. Studies have shown that too much of either conveys a negative impression to others—precisely what you want to prevent by not asserting yourself. Thus, it seems to make more sense to assert yourself consistently and stop the need for people-pleasing. Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3n6a2fz Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotes Learn...
May 30, 2022•9 min
• Exploring kinks, however, is never a bad thing. To do so, it’s important to understand how a kink you come across, including yours, may have arisen. There are typically five theories on the matter: adjacent brain theory, Pavlovian conditioning, pain, gross-out theory, and subjective normal theory. • Yet, knowing your kinks and how they formed is of no use if you don’t feel comfortable enough in bringing them up. You may find it easier to bring it up as a side topic purely to gauge reactions an...
May 26, 2022•19 min
Body language has a much broader range of possible interpretations. Generally, a relaxed body takes up space, while an anxious body contracts and wants to conceal and comfort itself. There are too many specifics to list in a bullet point, but just keep in mind that the only true way to analyze body language is to first know exactly what someone is like when they are normal. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/readpeopleking Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-s...
May 23, 2022•13 min
Finally, it’s important to understand logical arguments—especially illogical arguments. This is how you determine the truth and validity of what is being said. We hear these every day but may not pick out their logical flaws. You can think of these as a combination of math and argumentation. There is the conditional statement (X -> Y, true), the converse statement (Y -> X, usually a flaw), the inverse statement (Not X -> Not Y, usually a flaw), and the contrapositive statement (Not Y -&...
May 19, 2022•13 min
Make a woman feel safe, understood, and respected, and sex will never be an issue. Make her feel valued for the unique person she is. Play with mystery and discovery. Be genuinely interested in what makes her happy and what her needs are, rather than approaching the relationship primarily with your own needs at the forefront. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to tell her often that she’s hot stuff. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/ScienceOfAttraction Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at htt...
May 16, 2022•7 min
Obstacle 2 is a VERB mindset—playing victim, acting entitled, awaiting rescue, or blaming others. A healthier mindset is based on taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. We can do this by first noticing feelings, asking what unmet needs create that feeling, and then exploring ways to meet this need ourselves. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/IntentionalCommunicationKing Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotes Learn...
May 12, 2022•9 min
Next, we come to critical thinking. Critical thinking is concerned with questioning answers rather than asking questions. It seeks to take nothing at face value and provide a three-dimensional and nuanced view of a topic or stance. Without that, you are by definition jumping to conclusions or relying on someone else’s word—an opinion without inquiry is a weak one. We can practice critical thinking through a series of questions. Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3n6a2fz Show notes and/or episode tra...
May 09, 2022•10 min
Many sex tips focus on either specific techniques or exploring kinks to improve your sex life, but that’s not what really matters. Studies have shown eight specific elements of great sex: presence, connection, intimacy, communication, authenticity, bliss, exploration, and vulnerability. This is empowering because it means literally everyone has the ability to be a great lover; it just takes time, energy, and attention. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/ScienceOfAttraction Show notes and/or episode t...
May 05, 2022•15 min
Finally, we get right into the thick of it. How can we read and analyze people just through sight and observation? We cover two primary aspects: facial expressions and body language. It’s important to note that though many aspects have been scientifically proven (with physiological origins), we can’t say that simple observations are foolproof. It can never be definitive because there are too many external factors to take into account. But we can better understand what typical things to look for ...
May 02, 2022•14 min
One methodical way to seek truth and simulate curiosity is by embracing skepticism. No, it’s not about being cynical or simply refusing to believe what people tell you. Rather, it’s refusing to blindly believe what people tell you and requiring evidence and facts. In this way, a skeptic is quite similar to a scientist utilizing the scientific method. No answer is required here, and only understanding is sought. Skepticism requires slowing down your thoughts and thinking like a scientist. Hear it...
Apr 28, 2022•10 min
• The purpose of all communication, whether we know it or not, is to meet our needs. We can become better communicators (and improve our relationships) if we learn to properly understand, take responsibility for, and meet our own needs before we approach others. We can also improve communication by learning to proactively meet our own needs. • We can take steps to minimize or remove the obstacles standing in the way of effective communication. • Obstacle 1 is not knowing ourselves and projecting...
Apr 25, 2022•14 min
Loss, rejection, uncertainty, discomfort, humiliation, loneliness, failure, panic . . . all of these can be defended against using certain mental tricks. These mechanisms are there to protect us from experiencing negative emotions. They work in the moment, but in the long run, they are ineffective since they rob us of the opportunity to face, accept, and digest inevitably negative emotions as they crop up. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/readpeopleking Show notes and/or episode transcripts are ava...
Apr 21, 2022•11 min
The first and most natural way to probe below the surface is through cultivating curiosity. There are five types of curiosity, each of which can be a motivation for asking questions: joyous exploration, deprivation sensitivity, stress tolerance, social curiosity, and thrill-seeking. However, curiosity will rarely come easily or naturally, especially about things we don’t have an innate interest in. So, we need to generate that same approach through other methods. Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/3...
Apr 18, 2022•11 min
Finally, we come to defense of the ego. This is one of our most powerful motivators, but it is mostly unconscious. Simply put, we act to guard our ego from anything that would make us feel psychologically less. In doing so, it is so powerful that it allows us to bend reality and lie to ourselves and others—all outside of our conscious awareness. Defense mechanisms are the ways that we avoid responsibility and negative feelings, and they include denial, rationalization, projection, sublimation, r...
Apr 14, 2022•8 min
• At this point in the book, you may have a better understanding of how to reach your goal of mating. However, in reality, your goal is sustained mating within a relationship. How can you make sure the sex is good enough to do that? • Many sex tips focus on either specific techniques or exploring kinks to improve your sex life, but that’s not what really matters. Studies have shown eight specific elements of great sex: presence, connection, intimacy, communication, authenticity, bliss, explorati...
Apr 11, 2022•8 min
