¶ Intentional Communication
Intentional Communication: Emotional Validation, Listening, Empathy, and the Art of Harmonious Relationships Written by Patrick King, narrated by russell newton. “Deep human connection is the purpose and the result of a meaningful life—and it will inspire the most amazing acts of love, generosity and humanity." - Melinda Gates Each of us shares this planet with 7.8 billion other people.
Really let that sink in for a moment—7.8 billion people, all completely unique, all playing out from birth to death and epic saga filled with love, fear, change, adversity, hope ...just like you. A handful of people in that 7.8 billion are those who you love and cherish.
But there are also the people you will work with and for, the people who can help you excel and achieve, the people who need your help and your unique gifts, and the people who are going to challenge you to evolve in ways you can’t yet imagine. Despite our being jam-packed and full of possibilities to connect, the world today is set up to reinforce an illusion of separateness.
We may feel that we are fundamentally alone in our experience, with our sole responsibility being to advance our own narrow interests, gain material security, or bolster our egos against a hostile and uninterested universe. And yet ...in our most vulnerable moments, we remember what really matters - deep human connection. If there’s just one skill that will guarantee you a happier, more successful life, it’s the ability to have compassionate, cooperative relationships with other people.
Whether it’s with your family members, friends, colleagues, or romantic partners, there’s no area of life that isn’t improved when you get on better with the other humans in your world. Poor relationships are arguably the most significant public health risk—without proper communication, we are unable to parent, unable to love, unable to lead in business, unable to negotiate, and entirely unable to make sense of our lives in our friendships, our families, our communities.
Communication is nothing less than the fabric that stitches all 7.8 billion of us together. In this book, we’ll be looking at practical ways to transform yourself into someone who is likeable, communicates well, and has meaningful, productive connections with others. Though this might be an area of difficulty for you currently, the good news is that all of us have the capacity to improve the way we connect and communicate.
¶ You versus Me ...or Us versus the Problem
You versus Me ...or Us versus the Problem Let’s begin, however, with all the things that stand in the way of us being the compassionate, emotionally intelligent people we want to be. If people desire better relationships, then why do they find it so difficult to cultivate them? Unfortunately, our world is geared up to emphasize the narcissistic, the competitive, and the combative in us, while there is comparatively little training or education on how to engage cooperatively with our fellow man.
The first step to learning to be better, though, is acknowledging what isn’t working currently. In this book, we’ll keep returning to several core concepts and mindset shifts that underpin our approach to improving relationships. Perhaps the biggest one is simple - it’s how we frame arguments. Imagine a married couple who have exactly the same argument every few months. The wife feels emotionally neglected and sidelined while the husband works, and her fears mount until she raises the issue.
She says, “I feel unloved,” and he hears, “You don’t love me. You’re doing something wrong." He goes on the defensive and starts explaining how hard he works—to support her! Isn’t she grateful? Does she think that she’s perfect? The wife feels even more unloved. There are countless examples of these boring old arguments a million times over all across the world. You’ve probably had some of them yourself, right?
What they all have in common, though, is that they position the other person as an enemy. It’s them versus you. Many of us go into combat mode so automatically that we literally cannot think of any other way to communicate. If you disagree, doesn’t that logically make the other person your adversary? The answer is no!
Communication experts understand this point - That it’s always you and the other person as a team working against the problem, rather than you and the other person working against one another. The goal of conversations is never to declare a winner. It’s to create harmony, connection, and understanding. Imagine it as partner dancing, rather than martial arts!
Simply get into the habit of saying, “We’re on the same team,” and you’ll find this instantly brings you both into a more cooperative mindset. When you have a relationship with someone, healthy communication is geared toward protection and maintenance of that connection—not to hurting the other person, blaming them, or finding out who is the villain and who the hero.
This latter approach is like doing salsa dance with someone and trying to compete to see who can get to the end of the song fastest—not only does it not make sense, nobody will enjoy the experience! Disagreement or conflict does not need to be an invitation to go into war mode with another person. For the couple above, they can really start to shift the issue when they realize that they love one another and are both on the same side.
The wife loves her husband and wants to spend time with him; the husband loves his wife and wants to provide for her. When they stop seeing one another as the source of the problem, they can appreciate this monumental fact and put it front and center. No offense and defense, but teamwork. No blame or guilt, but honest identification of the problem, and a joint effort to fix it. No you and me, but us. Your enemy is not the other person, but whatever is standing in the way of your connection.
No winner and loser; we win together, or we lose together. Often, people get into heated arguments because deep down they feel threatened, unloved, unheard or disrespected. These needs can be so strong and overpowering that they temporarily eclipse the need for relationship harmony. But here, we make a mistake - this zero-sum thinking has us believing that either we get what we want, or the other person gets what they want.
So, if we feel like we are not getting enough understanding or love, we assume we have to take it from the other person. If we want to feel right, we assume that we need to make the other person feel wrong. Of course, in a healthy relationship of any kind, goodwill, love, and respect are not finite quantities that have to be squabbled over. Everyone can be right! Or on the other hand, two people can differ in their opinions, yet there is no problem and no reason to fight.
An emotional discussion often has a feeling of lack or fear at its very core. When you say, “We’re a team,” it helps to dissolve these feelings and orient you toward solutions. In mentioning solutions, however, it’s worth noting that there are two levels that conversations of this kind usually play out on - 1. The objective content 2. The emotional content Imagine a friend shows up late to a meeting, and the other friend is angry about it. They argue.
The objective content is the fact of the tardiness, and they may fight at length about exactly why the friend was late, and the times it’s happened before, and how bad lateness is or isn’t. But while the argument is a tussle between the friends over where to assign blame, the emotional content is going unspoken - one friend is hurt that the other does not value their friendship as much as they do.
Some relationships are one hundred percent objective content—they keep returning to the petty details because they never address the real emotional core of the problem. The next time you have an argument with someone, take a pause and ask yourself some grounding questions - •Are you trying to protect and deepen your connection, or are you trying to prove that you’re the winner, i.e., you’re right and they’re wrong?
•Have you unconsciously (or consciously!) positioned the other person up as an attacker or enemy? •Are you exclusively focused on your point of view and forcing the other person to accept it, rather than seeking a compromise between you? •What is the emotional content of the situation right now? Arguments are a natural part of life. We can navigate them in such a way as to create distance and fear, or we can use them as opportunities to grow as individuals and strengthen our bonds with others.
In the thick of an argument, it can be tempting to enjoy being the victim, to heap blame on others, to shut down in defensiveness, or to get aggressive. Even if you “win” an argument this way, though, you ultimately lose. It’s so important to become aware of your emotions and see that no matter how strong or unpleasant they are, it doesn’t change the fact that you and the other person are a solid, unified team.
If you’re struggling, turn your attention away from the other person and look at yourself for a moment. Ask what is stopping you from seeing the other person as an ally and partner. Dig deep and you’ll likely find unmet needs. In later chapters, we’ll talk about ways to get these needs met without having to make the other person responsible or wrong. But for now, it’s enough to simply remind yourself that disagreement, friction, hurt, or confusion are normal. The good news?
We can disagree with someone and still have a good relationship with them. We can still listen, we can still be heard, and we can still communicate with compassion and respect. The goal of all communication is to maintain a healthy and happy connection. The goal is not to beat the other person down, to win, to make your case, to blame them, to get them to recognize your truth, or to feel vindication for achieving the higher ground.
Tune all your awareness to the former goal, and arguments will cease to be a threat to your relationships.
¶ Assume People Are Doing Their Best.
Assume People Are Doing Their Best. Closely connected to this mindset shift is the ability to “assume noble intent." The trigger for going into war mode is to assume that you are under attack. Like the husband in our example, you hear a threat and an accusation where there isn’t one. You respond to the threat you think you hear rather than the real person in front of you and the emotional content they are actually trying to communicate.
In essence, this sets up a conversation where your defensive ego is warring against the other person’s defensive ego. While the worst parts of yourselves are in vicious battle, the more vulnerable, genuine parts are cowering in the background unacknowledged. Assuming noble intent goes beyond giving people the benefit of the doubt ...although many relationships would drastically improve if people did only that!
Consciously choose to be a person who approaches any interaction with another human being in a spirit of fairness and kind-heartedness. In the world today, the media constantly bombards people with visions of fear and hatred. They may feel that the world is a hostile, ugly place, and their baseline attitude is one of mistrust. It can be an act of principled bravery to nevertheless choose to see the good in others and lead with honest and noble intentions anyway.
Assuming noble intent is actually a way of applying one’s own higher moral values to one’s own behavior. When you carry yourself with dignity, honesty, and kindness, you naturally expect it in others and can inspire it in return, creating a domino effect of opportunity—the opportunity to be a good human being who works in harmony with other similarly intentioned human beings.
Rather than seeing kindness as something people need to earn, coax out, or win from you, you are generous in spirit and begin with kindness as a default. You have a perspective that invited others to show up as their best selves. With such open-mindedness, you communicate a degree of trust and goodwill to others, open lines of communication, and invite them to engage with you as one worthy peer to another.
Yes, we can all view one another as enemies—but why not lead by expecting better from yourself and from them? If you find yourself feeling bitter about humanity in general, or mistrustful of others, try reminding yourself that people are generally good. Yes, really! When they’re bad, they are so from ignorance, fear, or misunderstanding, or because they lack insight into the consequences of their choices.
But we can view the errors of others with compassion and forgiveness, or even with a commitment to understanding them rather than condemning them. Again, this is a perspective that is ennobling for us as much as it is for them! When you assume that people are doing the best they can with the available resources (inner and outer), then you free yourself from the stress and burden of judging them, and you give yourself the opportunity to connect more deeply with them or to find solutions.
Assume that you are fundamentally good, too. It’s easier to see the noble intent in others when we recognize and exalt it in ourselves. We develop self-esteem and dignity at the same time as we give our trust and beneficence others. No matter the issue or problem at hand, assuming noble intent will make sure you’re getting the most from any communication. No, you don’t have to be gullible or a pushover. But you empower yourself with your own principles and put them front and center.
Lead by example. Assume that others are good by default, right from the start, not because you have evidence for that conclusion, but because this perspective is the fastest and easiest way to understanding and collaboration. It can instantly dissolve hurt and misunderstanding. Adopt this attitude and you may be pleasantly surprised at the nobleness you inspire in others—people want to be good. They want to give you what you want.
Isn’t it a relief to go about your business believing this is the case? We’ve seen how assuming people are enemies is a foolproof way to damaging relationships. Assuming noble intent is the opposite; it’s like fertilizer for growing respectful relationships. Believe that other people’s actions (even their irritating, confusing, or downright awful ones) come ultimately from a place of goodness. Assume people have good characters and want to live by their values.
Choose to forego making everyone your adversity and invite them to be better than that. After all, we all have hearts and souls, we all yearn for a higher purpose, we all hurt and feel vulnerable, and we’re all trying our best with the tools we have right now. Of course, people don’t always have positive intent. From your own perspective, you may not understand their values or agree with them. But try to understand their actions through their lens.
Assume that their behavior makes sense to them, if only you could gain insight into the rules that govern their world. It’s very, very easy to assume other people are just jerks are plain evil. But it’s lazy, and it’s never true. Think about all the regrettable actions you’ve taken in the past—in your own way, didn’t you have a reason? Didn’t you deserve compassion and understanding?
Even if you acted completely appallingly, it doesn’t negate the fact that right now, you are a human being with hopes and fears and the desire to be better. Assume that other people are just like you in this regard! People are not always angels, and there are people who do act malevolently. But if we turn up to any conversation or interaction with a readiness and willingness to perceive the intrinsic good in people, we are priming ourselves (and them!) to let our higher values guide us.
Let’s say your mother-in-law gives you a children’s book for your birthday. You’re insulted—it’s a silly kid’s story meant for ten-year-olds; does she think you’re an idiot? If you assume noble intent, you talk to her further and realize she actually bought the gift because she remembers a story about your childhood and thought the book would be a cute bit of nostalgia for you. Now, she’s entirely wrong about this and completely misunderstood your childhood anecdote.
But if you can look past this is and see her noble intent, all friction and mistrust dissolves. If a driver cuts you off on the road, you can shrug and assume noble intent. Maybe they’re having a really bad day. Maybe they’re a teenager and their higher brain hasn’t quite finished maturing yet! Maybe it was a simple accident, and they didn’t maliciously plan to hurt you on purpose. As a rule, people do the best they can with the tools they have available at the time.
Think back to yourself ten or twenty years ago, and the way you solved certain problems or approached certain relationships. Chances are, you’d do things differently now because you know better. Deep compassion comes when you realize that the “bad people” you encounter in life are actually just good people temporarily acting out a bad role in the moment. We had awful tantrums when we were two because we weren’t emotionally mature.
We said some regrettable things in the heat of the moment because we were triggered and lashing out in fear. We made the choice we did because, at the time, we weren’t aware of other choices we could have made. But we grew up and stopped having tantrums, we apologized for lashing out when we calmed down, and we made better choices as we became aware of them. Reminding yourself of this phenomenon in others makes relationships so much calmer and kinder.
When you’re face to face with someone doing something you hate or disagree with, or when someone is hurting you, remember that you are not seeing all of who they are. You can respond to the negatively you see in the moment, or you can trust that they have a kinder, more rational and calmer self hiding in there. Well, what happens if you are serene and magnanimous and assume noble intent in someone who consistently shows you that they’re a complete jerk?
Well, you can rest assured that you’ve done your best. Take a breath, step away for a while, and get perspective. You are never responsible for what other people choose. But you will always feel better about yourself if you know in your heart that you have given other people ample opportunity to meet you halfway. Who said you have to convince anyone, anyway? If you’ve assumed noble intent, it’s easy to walk away from truly damaging or negative people with a light heart and a clean conscience.
¶ Telling The Third Story.
Telling The Third Story. Letting go of your ego in interactions with others is easier said than done, but it really is the quickest way to restore harmony. When you are crusading for your own point of view and valiantly battling everyone until you strong-arm them into agreeing with you, you forget one crucial detail - you might be wrong. And worse than that, you could be mistaken in the belief that you can frame the situation as right and wrong in the first place!
Basically, clinging to your own perspective and wanting to broadcast it as The One True Way gives you serious tunnel vision. It shuts you off to the reality of the situation ...a reality that inconveniently contains everyone else and all their thoughts and beliefs. Whenever there is more than one person, there’s going to be more than one reality. And that’s just fine. Now, we should be careful here—we’re obviously not saying that personal feelings trump objective reality and plain facts.
But we are saying that in arguments or disagreements, it’s seldom about plain facts at all. Rather, every person’s reality contains their perspective, their values, the unique past experiences, their personal identity, their particular narrative on the issue at hand, and the outcome they most want. This is more akin to the emotional content of communication than the objective content (i.e., facts).
As the old saying goes - in any argument there are always three stories—yours, mine, and the truth. Though this is simplifying it, the idea is sound. In no interaction is any single person one hundred percent “correct." You simply cannot think this way. If you read that sentence and think, “Well, what about those crazy flat-earthers? They believe something that’s patently false. In an argument with them, I know I’d be one hundred percent right."
Firstly, this observation perhaps explains why flat-earthers get as much media exposure as they do—people love to feel superior to them! Secondly, if we remember the difference between objective content and emotional content, we will see that even this example is not as cut and dried as it seems. If someone says, “The earth is flat,” then you might respond, “no it isn’t, what a moronic thing to say."
But what if someone said, “I’m overwhelmed and frightened by the complexity of the world, and I feel distrustful of a government that has demonstrably led me astray for profit. I know I sound nutty, but conspiracy theories give me a sense of control over the world. I hate how reductive and dehumanizing science can be, and how pompous scientists are, and in going against them, I feel like I restore some of my own humanity and agency.
Plus, my parents constantly undermined and devalued me as a child, and that’s why today I have a vehement need to assert myself and not be told to shut up or that I’m stupid." How would you respond to that? In any interaction, nobody has an exclusive right to “the truth." Nobody has the right to claim to be a perfectly, neutral arbiter of reality (which, incidentally, is what many people think they are accessing when they claim to be “on the side of science”).
Each of us has our own set of biases, expectations, past experiences, beliefs, and perspectives. Each of us colors our interactions with our feeling tone, our personality, our style of communication, and our values and priorities. None of this is ever neutral. And in this specificity, we are all equal to one another. Whether we agree or not on superficial facts or data is irrelevant (after all, how often do “facts” actually change?).
These superficial details are in the realm of ego and conflict. If we go beyond this realm, we can do something better than compete with others—we can understand them. Approaching conversations this way takes courage and honesty. Many of us unconsciously believe that we are the center of the universe and that what we think is obviously the best and only way to think, or that it’s only our perspective that ultimately matters.
One amazing way to counteract this kind of short sightedness is the “third story” approach. The next time you’re in a conflict, imagine a third, neutral observer watching the situation unfold. Now, imagine how they would relate the narrative—i.e., the “third story” they’d tell. Look at all three stories and become curious about the differences between them. See if you can agree with the other person on this third story.
This is where the magic happens, as it can put you on the path to mutual understanding and compromise. The third story becomes an anchor or a shared reality that both people can hold on to even as they inhabit their different perspectives. For example, a couple are planning a wedding. One of them starts spending money immediately, saying he only plans to get married once and he intends to do it in style. No expense is spared.
The other is freaked out at the prospect of so much money being spent, and she’s petrified of starting her married life in debt. They both find themselves arguing more and more until a big blow out over the exorbitant cost of a four-tier chocolate fountain. His story - Weddings are joyful occasions, as well as a chance to show your family a good time and boast a little to your friends that you can afford the luxury.
The degree of love and commitment in the relationship is proportionate to the amount of money spent. Basically, stinginess = the couple isn’t really in love. Her story - Weddings are solemn, meaningful occasions that are about commitment and intimacy. They’re a time to demonstrate your values to others. Spending a lot of money on a wedding is vulgar and financially unwise.
Couples who splash money around come across as insincere and materialistic—they must be compensating for a lack of true love! Well, what about the third story? Third story - They each have different understandings of what weddings mean and what function they serve. They each have different beliefs and feelings about spending money. When money is spent, he feels glad, but she feels anxious. The difference leads to arguments. Isn’t that so much more ...relaxed?
Seeing things this way, they can both see that the problem is their different expectations of what a wedding should be. The problem is not that she’s wrong or that he’s wrong. If they can keep returning to the third story, they locate the real root of the trouble and give themselves a chance to solve it rather than going round in circles about this bill or that bill. Now, they have a real chance of finding a compromise.
They can both identify their deeper needs in the situation and seek to make sure they both have those needs met, with as little conflict as possible. Again, it’s us versus the problem. Granted, they may not magically make all the tension disappear. And after a while, they may discover that their differences are actually not reconcilable.
Using the third-story trick cannot magically erase all differences and frictions, but it can help you get an honest handle on them and give you the best chance of compromise—which you don’t get at all when you’re each just arguing your own perspective.
¶ Address the Higher Self, Acknowledge the Emotional Self
Address the Higher Self, Acknowledge the Emotional Self When you frame problems as something you mutually solve as a team, when you assume people are doing their best and when you actively seek to find commonality in a third story, you are operating at a different level than if you merely butt heads with the other person on who’s version of reality is the winning one. You’re operating at a level that prioritizes connection above ego.
Consistently do this, and you will discover just how easy it is to get everyone’s needs met. So many people get into arguments because they unconsciously fear that “compromise” and cooperation means loss. They may feel that if they are accommodating, kind, and compassionate, that they’ll be taken advantage of, won’t get their needs met, or will lose out.
In fact, the opposite is true—people who are open-minded, respectful, curious about mutual solutions, and kind are actually far more likely to get what they want and need in any situation. Sadly, it’s all too common for people to communicate from a position of fear and insecurity. This puts them on the defensive, makes them assume the worst of others, and even go into attack because they believe they are protecting themselves. This then triggers other people’s defenses.
The problem is not only unsolved, it’s worsened. Instead, we can proactively take the position of tuning into the emotional content of what people are saying, whether they are able to responsibly communicate that or not. You have two choices - you can speak to their higher, more noble self, or you can talk directly to their fears, their biases, and, to be frank, the worst parts of them. Here’s a hint - doing this will bring the worst out in you.
The Buddhist “namaste” greeting embodies the former idea nicely—we say to another person, “the Buddha in me recognizes the Buddha in you." No matter how hostile or difficult someone is being, try to remember that they have within them a beautiful, amazing, and inspiring self. Try to remember that they have wonderful qualities, that they have the potential for greatness, and that inside them they have the ability to love and to suffer, just like you. Talk to that version of them.
Imagining that other people are flat, boring caricatures and not nuanced and complex beings is a) easier and b) usually makes us feel better about ourselves. We imagine that we are the main protagonists in our lives, with full and rich inner worlds, and others are just “non-player characters” who are not as important or multifaceted as we are. Of course, everyone else is the center of their own universe.
They feel about themselves the way that you feel about yourself ...and you are just the supporting actor in their main story! Some people find it really elevates your perspective to remember that the person in front of you used to be an innocent child once. They were young, hopeful and playful. They had a best friend and were scared of the dark and wore a woolly jumper with yellow ducks on it. Just like you, they had their first love and their first big disappointment.
Just like you, they lay awake some nights worried about it all. Just like you, they have insecurities and deep secrets they’ve never told anyone. They cry when they’re hurt. They’ve shown touching acts of kindness to others. They have dreams. Talents. Questions. Dazzlingly unique insights and opinions. Everything. Having “compassion” is sometimes reduced to a bland kind of tolerance of people we don’t quite like but have to bear with. But why limit yourself to mere tolerance?
In fact, people are wonderful. They are works of art. Their perspectives and feelings and desires are not just something to begrudgingly accommodate in order to get along, but something to celebrate, learn about, lovingly accept, and welcome. When you stop seeing difference as a threat or a problem, you can start to appreciate it as a fascinating source of enrichment in life. But what exactly does addressing someone’s higher self look like?
For one, it’s a question of assuming the best of others and generously giving the benefit of the doubt, as we’ve seen. It’s also the willingness to imagine, on faith, that people are good, that people make sense, and that people want to help you and engage in mutually satisfying relationships. It means treating people with respect and trust even when they have difficulty respecting or trusting themselves, and even if they’ve done very little to earn it!
A manager at work may approach his team with the deep belief that each of them has something unique and valuable to offer. Instead of micromanaging them, he tells them, “I hired you because you’re good at what you do. How about you just run with this project and see what happens? I trust you to make the right decision." It’s hard to imagine an employee not feeling respected and valued when told that. Or imagine a parent who has a teenager who’s gotten into trouble at school.
Instead of launching into a shame-heavy lecture about what they should have done and how disappointed everyone is, the parent could say, “You know what, you’re old enough know to know right from wrong. You’re a smart person and I know you’re also kind. What do you think about what you’ve done?
I wonder if you feel that this is the kind of thing that reflects your values, or if you want to try and do something better?" Doing this, the parent is communicating a few things - that they know and trust that the teenager in fact has values, that these are worth exploring and committing to, and that the parent is not going to impose their own values, but rather give the teenager space to figure out on their own.
Again, the result is likely to be a heightened feeling of respect, empathy and responsibility. Instead of addressing the bad in their character, they address the good, and use that as a point of departure. In a couple’s argument, one spouse is offended that the other forgot their birthday. But in love, they decide to address their higher nature. They say, “I know you care about me. I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you forgot my birthday. Why?" This is not placing blame.
It’s not making assumptions or going on the offense. It’s simply taking the highest nature of the other person as a given and leading with curious respect. It’s seeking to understand the problem rather than going in with guns blazing. “She forgot my birthday, and she did it because she’s selfish and doesn’t give a damn about me." If you’re feeling angry and attacked yourself, it’s difficult to assume the best of people. But this is the moment when you most need to try!
Instead of getting carried away in strong emotions, gain perspective by acknowledging their most vulnerable self. When you’re face to face with someone being difficult or annoying or mean, it’s easy to forget that they have a vulnerable self—but they do. A core of non-violent communication (more on this later) is to focus entirely on people’s needs in any exchange. People communicate (even badly) because they want to meet their needs.
They sometimes succeed, and they often don’t, but this is ultimately what’s behind all communication, up to and including aggression, stubbornness, fear, and criticism. So, when you’re with a difficult person or in a challenging or unpleasant situation, ask yourself - What are my needs here and how can I communicate them clearly to others? What are their needs and how can I help them achieve those needs? That’s it. Don’t waste too much time on anger, fear, or red herring details.
If someone is being judgmental of you, examine the situation closely—you may discover that their criticism stems from a deep insecurity in themselves. They may feel worthless, and they judge others to meet a certain need, i.e., to feel better about themselves. This insight alone can help you defuse situations with them ...as well as know not to take their judgment personally!
¶ Mastering Self-Differentiation
Mastering Self-Differentiation One final mindset we’ll consider is the ability to self-differentiate, which is a concept not many are familiar with. Simply put, it’s the capacity to separate out your thoughts from your feelings, as well as separate your thoughts and feelings from other people’s. If you’ve ever had trouble thinking clearly because you feel flooded with emotions, you were experiencing difficulty with differentiation.
If someone ties up their opinions and beliefs with others’ or cannot decide what they think and feel without consulting others, it also signals a lack of self-differentiation. Relating with other human beings is a delicate dance—we are always separate, unique individuals, but we also mutually influence one another. Healthy connections occur when both parties are sufficiently self-differentiated yet still connected.
When they’re not, all kinds of entanglement and “bleeding over” of identities, thoughts, and feelings occur. How do you know if you are properly and healthily differentiated in a relationship? Simple - ask yourself whether you are able to be different without losing emotional connection.
Connection based on sharing identical opinions and values means both parties are mutually defining one another rather than each one defining themselves first and then encountering one another as separate beings, with respect and curiosity. If we are differentiated, we can calmly reflect on any difference of opinion or conflict without jeopardizing the connection. If not, difference will become a source of conflict or threaten the connection.
When differentiated, we take responsibility for our own contribution, and recognize what “stuff” belongs to the other person. If not, we may be over- or under-responsible, enmeshed, or liable to confuse our own thoughts and opinions with those of others. The trick is always to maintain a clear relationship with yourself. For some people, relationships of any kind are always total and devouring—it’s a question of being themselves, OR being in a relationship.
To maintain a relationship where differences are contained comfortably, however, takes maturity and self-awareness. This is why an indicator of an undifferentiated relationship is all-or-nothing, my-way-or-the-highway thinking. If you are a rebel and choose the opposite of everyone else’s opinions, don’t be fooled into thinking that you are well-differentiated—you are still basing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions in relation to other people’s.
Other examples of poor differentiation - •Feeling smothered and controlled by a person’s intrusive, dominating attitude. •Being unable to say what you think or feel without checking the opinions of others first. •In a relationship, if one person feels something, the other person cannot help feeling the same as well. •Being unable to express a different opinion because from fear of causing offense or friction. Going along with whatever’s happening and forfeiting one’s own opinion.
•Seeing negative emotions in a person you love and feeling personally responsible. Even worse if the unhappy person is ready to blame you! •Having concerns, boundaries, or misgivings but feeling unable to speak out, or you do and are not heard. •Feeling other people’s emotions as your own ...but being unsure of what you yourself feel. •Any relationship where the unspoken rule is, “To be in this relationship, you cannot be your authentic self."
If you want to improve your relationships, get into the habit of asking yourself, what is my stuff, and what is theirs? Being authentic, self-defined, and conscious of your unique thoughts and feelings take courage and honesty. What is your opinion, regardless of how others respond to it? What do you think independent of the beliefs and worldviews of those around you?
Once you clarify this for yourself, you can do the next important step - cultivate relationships that can tolerate normal differences in feeling and opinion. Don’t make complete agreement a condition of intimacy, and don’t accept these terms from others who would rather engage with a copy of themselves than a unique person who is different from them.
One useful way to get better at this is to learn the difference between observation and evaluation, which we will explore in more detail in later chapters. The way to express difference (of thought or opinion) with others while still maintaining closeness with them is to use observations rather than judgments and evaluations.
To explain the difference - “it’s raining” is a neutral, objective observation, but “I can’t believe it’s this godawful drizzle again, I HATE IT!” is an evaluation and judgment. If we approach communication with an attitude of evaluation, we are instigating defensiveness in the other person. We’re making value judgments and indirectly positioning our perspective as right, whereas theirs is wrong and needs to change.
Problems also occur when we state evaluations as though they are observations (i.e., positioning our opinions as facts) or mixing the two together. Teasing out what is observation and what is evaluation takes awareness and a degree of self-differentiation. When emotions are running high, things can get very confusing and people can get hurt long before they realize what’s happened and why.
But just like the neutral observer who tells the “third story,” we can use observations to ground us and reach compromise and understanding. We can ask ourselves not only what is our business and what is the other person’s, but also what is objective fact and what is evaluation and opinion? This can help us avoid misunderstanding when we communicate with others, but also help us untangle other people’s communications when they may be coming from a not-so-differentiated perspective.
Let’s return to our example of the couple with different ideas about weddings. She might say to her fiancé, “Why are you so obsessed with serving everyone real champagne? We can just serve them something cheaper. The world’s not going to end just because you buy budget booze, you know." If he is undifferentiated and triggered emotionally, he’ll probably respond in defensiveness to such a statement. But let’s imagine he instead asks - What is my stuff here, and what is hers?
What is fact and what is opinion? He can take a step back and realize that the idea that he is “obsessed” is not objective but her evaluation of his emotions. If he confidently and comfortably knows himself, he knows that he is not materialistic or obsessed or petty. He knows that he is simply excited. If he only responds to the judgment dripping from her statements, things will escalate into an argument. But he could also remain differentiated and anchor himself in the objective.
In his fiancé’s world, caring about champagne is a little shallow and silly. But in his world, it’s not. If he can stay within his own thoughts and feelings, however, he will not get triggered by her unkind remark and will be able to assert boundaries, stand his ground, and seek to understand what she feels—without letting her dictate what he feels. And he can do all this without having the differences mean that the relationship is doomed!
Takeaways - •Everyone can learn to be better at communication, listening, and being heard. This can improve every kind of relationship, as well as help you deal with difficult people and conflict. •Cultivating empathetic, meaningful, and genuine connections with others means being aware of the barriers to that connection and committing to removing them. •One significant obstacle is the mindset that positions others as enemies or adversaries rather than collaborators on the same team.
A healthier approach is “it’s you and me versus the problem." Disagreement and difference are not necessarily a threat if both parties are dedicated to working together. •Assume noble intent and that people are doing their best. This will put you in a proactive, generous, and optimistic frame of mind that will inspire the best from others and keep you open to solutions and possibilities. Be kind and seek the moral high ground just because!
•In conflict, try to imagine a neutral observer and the “third story” they’d tell so you can identify a set of facts about the situation that both parties can agree on. Harmonious relationships begin when we abandon our egoistic need to be right. •In every interaction, consciously choose to address the other person’s highest self, or at least their most vulnerable and human self. Acknowledge emotional content and not just superficial details.
Have compassion, awareness, and genuine curiosity for other people’s different perspectives. •Finally, master self-differentiation and be crystal clear on thoughts versus feelings, and your thoughts and feelings versus those of others. Defuse conflict by taking responsibility for your perspective while seeing the other person’s for what it is. Most important of all, have the maturity to maintain intimacy with others despite differences in opinion.
Routinely ask what is your “business” versus theirs and what is observation versus evaluation. This has been Intentional Communication: Emotional Validation, Listening, Empathy, and the Art of Harmonious Relationships Written by Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.