welcome to social skills coaching where you learn to be more likable more charismatic and more productive today is February 7th 2023.
what's your favorite movie what would you save if your house was on fire what animal can you see yourself as in today's episode from Patrick King's book how to extract info we'll learn how to use these and other seemingly innocuous hypothetical questions to understand a person's deeper values perspectives and goals thanks for joining us today Observations allow you to gather the “low hanging fruit” when it comes to information about people.
A lot of what you want to know is right there for the seeing. Questions, however, take things a step further and actively elicit information from people, note merely observing their reaction to their environment but creating a stimulus that they respond to. The great thing about questions is that you can target and guide the person in front of you, so they share with you a response you can analyze more closely.
The most skillful form of questioning, as you can probably guess, is subtle and natural so it is never detected. Ordinary conversation can conceal your more deliberate intentions, if only you ask questions that seem relaxed, unobtrusive and appropriate to the situation.
In the same way that we can miss valuable information about others because we simply don’t observe what’s right in front of us, we can also fail to understand those around because we’re not really listening when they respond to us. Through innocent questioning, we can uncover a host of information that represents an entire worldview or set of values.
For instance, what if you were to ask someone where they obtained their news and which television channel, which set of publications, which magazines, and which pundits or hosts they preferred? It’s a prime illustration of an indirect question that lets you understand quite a bit about how they think. Yes, it involves a bit of extrapolation and guesswork, but at least there’s a concrete piece of information to go on and many concrete associations with it.
The answer to one question spurs another, more targeted question, and so on. Combined with the observation techniques already covered, you can see how a simple interaction can provide a rich, three dimensional view of a person. We start this chapter with some of these indirect questions before going even more in-depth by asking people for stories and seeing what we can glean from those. These questions are phrased to challenge and inspire deep thought.
They ask people to dive deeper so that we can begin to understand their behavioral and thought patterns. 1. What kind of prize would you work hardest for, and what punishment would you work hardest to avoid? The answer to this question might help identify the true motive behind an individual’s drive. Beyond surface-level things, what is really motivating people? What do they really care about? And what type of pain or pleasure matters to them?
On an instinctual level, what really matters the most in both a positive and negative way? In a way, this answer also reflects values. For example, gamblers all want one prize: the jackpot. They try and try again, whether it be with scratchers or slot machines to try and win the big prize money. Are they motivated by winning back their losses? Is their hope to become richer than they can imagine? Do they actually want it, or are they filling a void and keeping themselves distracted?
Why are they working so hard? You might surmise that their motivation is the thrill and rush of the risk involved. Do they care about making steady pay or finding their purpose? Maybe, and maybe not. When you can dig into what someone wants the most and why, you can often find what is driving them without having to ask it directly. The way people answer this question will clearly tell you their priorities and what they consider pain and pleasure in their lives.
Look for the emotion behind people’s answers here, and you can get a pretty good read on their values. A goal of rising to CEO-level doesn’t just exist in a vacuum—what are the feelings, emotions, and fulfilled expectations that come from wanting it? Likewise, wanting to avoid being poor speaks to very specific desires for security and safety from danger. 2. Where do you want to spend money, and where do you accept skimping on or skipping altogether?
This answer reveals what matters to someone’s life and what they want to experience or avoid. This is not really about the item or items to be purchased; there comes a point where material belongings no longer have a use, and it’s about what those items represent and provide. For example, sometimes, spending money on experiences instead of a new purse has the potential to improve someone’s overall well-being and outlook on life.
Again, look for the underlying emotions and motivations behind the answer. So what do you have no problem splurging on, and what doesn’t matter to you? For instance, when deciding on vacation expenditures, people may opt to splurge on an epic boat excursion and stay in a shabby hotel. This reveals their desire to experience an unforgettable moment rather than staying in a nice hotel with golden toilets, which they view as a waste of money.
Others might opt for the opposite and revel in their creature comforts while not seeing much of the scenery. In either case, they’ve used their money to quite literally identify and spend toward their priorities and values. Where your money goes is an important part of what makes you happy, so if you can pay attention to where you let it flow and where you cut it off, you’ll immediately know what matters to you on a daily basis.
Contrast this question to if you were to ask someone, “What do you value in your daily life?" Again, there is a concrete answer here to analyze. This same principle applies equally to time, money, and effort. Where these things flow, whether consciously or unconsciously, represents the values people possess. 3. What is your most personally significant and meaningful achievement and also your most meaningful disappointment or failure?
It’s common that experiences, whether they’re good or bad, shape people into who they are. Achievements and failures tie into how someone sees oneself. Significant experiences also tend to create their self-identities—you are this kind of person because you did this and succeeded or failed. We can’t escape the fact that past occurrences will often influence our current and future actions. They don’t have to, but this isn’t a book about changing your mindsets.
The point is that large events will reverberate throughout our entire lives. So this question will get a response about how people view themselves, for better or worse. Failure will painfully poke perceived flaws they hate about themselves, while achievements will bring up the strengths they are proud of. A career woman who has worked her way up the corporate ladder might proudly reflect on her accomplishment. Why does she consider this her greatest achievement?
Because she values independence, resilience, and determination, and that’s exactly what it takes to get to that career pinnacle. She looks back to the things she did in order to get that corner office, and she feels positively about them. Thus, the answer about her career accomplishments is actually a story about the positive traits she utilized in reaching that point—her self-identity.
You can imagine that the same negative type of self-identity might unfold if the same woman were to talk about her failures and ended up in a job that she despised. Those are the exact things she hates the most. The way that people answer this question shows who they want to be, and this is reflected in exactly how their expectations have either been fulfilled or not. 4. What is effortless and what is always exhausting?
This is a question that is designed to better understand what people actually enjoy. Something that is effortless isn’t always an innate talent, but rather an indication that they enjoy it. On the other hand, something that is always exhausting is not always about people’s lack of competency, but rather a distaste for the actual activity. Thus, answers to this question can indicate where people find natural joy and enjoyment, even if they don’t realize it themselves.
For instance, as a baker answers this question, she may recognize her rather mediocre capacity for creativity for blending ingredients together to make a dessert. Although she is above average, she is not naturally talented at it, and it has been very difficult for as long as she can remember. She was not innately talented with culinary creativity, and yet she finds joy in it such that she is always driven to it. It’s challenging but effortless in a way that she doesn’t grow tired of.
On the other hand, she may have a natural talent in understanding and following traditional recipes—yet it is not something that she values or particularly cares about. If we were to look at only her innate talents, we would conclude that she should stick to only executing the dishes of others. But it’s simply not what she values. As mentioned previously, wherever our time, effort, energy, and money goes, such are our values.
5. If you could design a character in a game, what traits would you emphasize and which would you ignore? This question asks what people see as their ideal self and also what they feel is less important in the world. Imagine that you have a limited number of points to give a person but six traits to spread the points across. Which will you choose to emphasize and bolster, and which will you choose to leave average or even lacking?
Suppose you have the ability to choose between the traits of charisma, academic intelligence, sense of humor, honesty, resilience, and emotional awareness. The traits you’d choose to put the maximum number of points in is how you’d like others to see you. It may represent your current composition of traits, or it might be completely opposite to who you currently are. In either case, it’s more than likely that this either represents how you see yourself or how you would like to see yourself.
And the other traits? Well, they simply matter less. In turn, they seek out people with those traits they like and are less keen to seek out those with the other traits. There are probably stories behind each of the traits that people might choose as well. A related question to ask others is, “What traits are common in other people?" This question comes from a 2010 psychological study by Dustin Wood, in which he found that people tended to describe others with similar traits as themselves.
Presumably this is because people tend to see their own qualities in others. No one believes that their mental makeup of traits is uncommon, and thus, they believe everyone has a similar perspective and way of thinking as them. Answers to this question are a direct insight into what traits people believe they have, for better or worse. From there, you know what kind of approach they have to the world—kind, generous, distrusting, mischievous, or even ill-spirited.
6. What charity would you donate millions to if you had to? Answering this question forces one to answer what they care about in the world at large rather than just in their own life. Will you donate to an animal shelter or a charity for cancer? Perhaps you would sponsor a child from a third-world country? They all say very different things. You might have had a first- or secondhand experience with any of these causes.
Whatever the case, it shows what matters when people start to think outside of themselves. You can see a whole sector of the world that they are concerned about, and this allows you to see how they view their place in the world. In other words, whose interests do they tend to prioritize or be motivated by? As always, look to the underlying emotion. Being able to ask these questions evokes a deeper connection to people’s values, ideas, and awareness.
The purpose of asking these is to, again, examine behavior. These questions guide a person in thinking about the most relevant aspects of his or her character. They also make people think beyond predictable statements and organically stimulate more meaningful thought. Look beyond the answers and read between the lines. Critical thinking, evaluation, and reflection are the key skills at play here.
Next, we go deeper by asking people for stories that they construct, rather than just a relatively short answer, to see what we can glean from hearing their internal dialogue in full effect. 7. What animal best describes you? The great thing about this question is that it’s a very personal inquiry hidden in plain sight. People are far more comfortable talking about certain traits they admire in others than they are about talking directly about themselves.
You might also find that asking this question has people feeling very willing to share revealing information that they otherwise might have felt too uncomfortable to reveal. Something about the distance that’s created when talking about an animal can prompt some very forthright and honest answers. People may inadvertently tell you about who they wish they were when they tell about their favorite animal. Listen carefully to the person who says they love dogs but dislike cats.
Ask them why, and their answer will tell you plainly about the traits they value in others, in themselves, and how they wish to be. The best way to pose this question is as casually as possible. Don’t make it seem like you’re grilling for a serious answer—ironically, this attitude will quickly reach past people’s defenses and have them blurting out information about themselves that can be incredibly meaningful.
What they tell you immediately after is important—whatever is top of their mind is the aspect of themselves they likely see as most important, most relevant or most fixed. For example, a person immediately tells you they’re a bear and needs no further prompting for them to explain to you why: they’re fierce, protect their loved ones and shouldn’t be messed with. But if they didn’t choose a shark, could this mean that they also see themselves as having a bit of “cuddly” side to them, too?
On the surface, such questions can seem innocent and playful, but it’s this very simplicity that allows people to respond most honestly—as though to a Rorschach test. Did they choose a carnivore or an herbivore? A mythical animal? A pest? A domesticated animal or a wild, slightly dangerous one? Such a question adds immense depth and color to your understanding of the person—and it does so in their own terms. 8. What’s your favorite movie?
This is perhaps as obvious on the surface as the previous one, but many people don’t stop to truly think about the huge amounts of information they’re being offered when people share things like their favorite films.
With this question, people are really sharing with you the narratives and stories they’re drawn to, which in turn show you in a deep way what their inner moral universe looks like, how they think of the good and bad guys, or even how they envision their own grand story as it unfolds. What is it about a particular film that they like? Don’t simply assume that they identify with the main character—it may be the director or the genre itself that most powerful speaks to them.
And if someone answers, “Well, it’s a very obscure independent Polish film released in the early 40s. I don’t expect you know anything about it,” you can infer a lot even though you’ve never heard of the film! You can assume that this person values exclusivity and rarity, and likes to style themselves a connoisseur with excellent taste (i.e., what other people would identify as an infuriating hipster!). Use the answer to this question along with other data you’re gathering.
What does it mean that the shy, skinny kid in the corner best loves a superhero film? What would a retired Japanese mom see in a serious film about the slave trade in the deep south? The person who tells you their favorite film is a comedy—does it mean anything that the comedy they choose is not a recent one, but one from decades past, that would have been popular when they were just a child? 9. What would you rescue from a fire in your home? You know the drill.
Your entire home is burning and you can only go in to fetch one single treasured item, no more. This is another question that taps deeply into a person’s most fundamental values and priorities. Maybe you had a particular person pegged as a pragmatic, almost emotionally-stunted person until they tell you they’d save a single book of poetry. Crisis and emergency situations have a way of quickly cutting through the clutter of life.
People may appear a certain way right up until their backs are against the wall. In the film Force Majeure, a family finds themselves facing a terrifying but brief threat—an oncoming avalanche. In the few heated moments, the father fleas the scene, saving himself, while the mother stays with her children. Though the danger passes and everyone is soon safe again, the rest of the movie explores what the father’s actions mean—did his knee-jerk response in the
moment say something about what he really valued—i.e., himself, and not his family? Try to understand not just what a person would save, but why. A person who would quickly grab their pet cat before anything else is telling you that they value life more than inanimate possessions. A person who grabs their passport is telling you that they see their freedom to move, their ability to travel, as a very special thing.
Similarly, someone who simply tells you they’d grab their wallet because they had all their money, cards and driver’s license in there is also telling you something important—that they are interpreting your question not in terms of values or hypotheticals, but as a literal and practical dilemma to be solved in the most logical way possible. Very different from the person who boldly claims they would save an old photograph of their great-great-grandmother! 10. What scares you most?
Many of the above questions are focused on values, principles, priorities, desires. But of course, you can also learn a lot about a person by what they actively avoid, detest and fear. This tells you not only what they do value, but also how they see themselves. After all, it makes sense that you would fear the thing you most felt unable to protect yourself against, or the thing that you felt was most harmful to you personally.
This can yield enormous amounts of insight into how a person sees their own strengths and limitations. Someone who says “spiders” is going to have a very different psychological makeup than someone who claims, “early onset dementia, where I gradually forget who I am and the faces of everyone I used to love."
Fears are often a door to people’s most firmly held principles—a person who is extremely morally-inclined and driven by justice and fairness might fear serial-killers, psychopaths or even demonic supernatural entities. On the other hand, fears can also tell you what that person thinks of their ability to handle adversity or suffering. The person who fears rejection, abandonment and criticism is telling you that in their world, psychological harm is more serious than physical harm.
Likewise, what would you infer about someone who unflinchingly tells you, “I’m not scared of anything”? that's it for this week's episode of social skills coaching be sure to sign up for our author's email list at bitly slash PK Consulting and join us next Tuesday for the next episode of social skills coaching