Hey everyone, it's Pacific, and welcome to the finale of SCP Archives Season 7. Just a couple of quick things to say. First and foremost, we will be on hiatus January and into February.
No episodes for about a month and a half here. Right now, our plans to come back mid-February. We might wiggle that around a little bit, depending on how production looks. But yeah, we'll be back as soon as we can. And we have a ton of incredible... anthology content coming your way but don't fear if you need your dose of scp uh you can sign up for our patreon we're gonna have some bonus episodes coming out um over the next couple of weeks so stay tuned for those
We'll also have some new merch coming down the line. Let's see. We have a new logo and a theme song that we'll be teasing on our Patreon. A bunch of fun stuff coming to there. But all that to say, we'll be back. So very soon. And thank you. Thank you for tuning into season seven, for joining us for the alphabet anthology and generally just for making the show such a blast to make.
Every year, I am always incredibly thankful and grateful that we get to make this podcast every day of our lives. That's really cool. And if you enjoy the show as much as we do, consider joining us on Discord. We have a really wonderful community there. Daisy and I like to pop in as often as we can to say hi, chat with you guys.
get movie music and video game recommendations, and generally just hang out where we can. So if you're looking for something to do, definitely check out our discord. There's a link in the show notes below. There's a bunch of other cool links down there too. We're on blue sky. We're kind of on Twitter. Not really. Yeah, we're not on Facebook. We are on Instagram. I'm really bad with social media, but hey, you know, we're on blue sky. If you like tweeting and tweet adjacent activities.
Come find us there. All right, I'm rambling. All of this to say, thanks for a great 2024. We're really excited for what 2025 has in store. But without further ado, a quick ad break, and then... This week's episode. Enjoy. The Foundation database is classified. Unauthorized access will result in detainment. Within this archive you'll find the procedures, descriptions, and accounts of the most notorious anomalies we've encountered to date. Secure. Contain Protect.
I'm going to be honest with you. There's not a single thing you can say that won't... What? Good morning, Mr. Leg. Uh, where's Dr. Simmerian? It's just you and me today, Paul. Please, sit. Are you a seal? I'm like a seal. Come on, I don't bite. What are you doing here? I'll answer your questions and I promise to be honest with you as long as you're honest with me. All right. So you're a talking floating seal with an exceptionally long body. Did you just let yourself in here? Yes.
I should warn you that my job requires me to arrange a permanent residence for you, and you may be subject to testing. That won't be necessary. I've done all the research and documented myself already. Everything you need to know is in here. What did you write this with? Crayon? And why'd you choose 8,000? I didn't. You wrote it. Yes, but that bit was out of my hands. You don't have hands. And where on earth is your tail? That's your biggest concern. We have sensitive equipment in this facility.
If it's thrashing about somewhere, it could cause all kinds of damage. I've never seen my tail. It would be bad science to confirm its existence without evidence. But I can assure you, if it exists, it's not thrashing about. I'm a seal, not a monkey. All right, then. Why don't you slither over that way and I'll confirm whether you have a tail. Excuse you! I don't slither. I float. Daintily and whimsically. Whatever. Who took this picture? You do. In about six or seven minutes.
How is that possible? Mr. Paul, how about spending a whole day with me? Don't avoid the question. I'm untethered from the universe and can move about within the vast dimensions of space and time without hindrance. Does that clarify things? Not at all. Where? Will you spend the day with me? We need to go right through... here. What the fuck? Did you just bite a hole in reality? I don't see the problem.
How? Why? We need to go through here. Come on, then. Hold on. Hold on. How could I... Yes, yes. How could you ever trust a benevolent talking seal? Ask me whatever you want and I will be truthful. I swear on those magazines hidden in your desk drawer. Oh, fuck off! How rude! Sorry. So... Does this mean you're not going to kill me? That would be wasteful. Eat me? I lost my taste for human flesh a long, long time ago. Is that a joke? Yes. Not...
So touchy. Eating you would be pointless. What about torturing me for millions of years? Burning my family alive in front of me? Driving me to insanity over and over again? Anything like that on the table? That's oddly specific, Mr. Paul. Are you all right? Answer? Gratuitous. Not to mention, reckless. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Paul, I just need you to spend a little time with me. There are a lot of things we need to discuss. What sort of things? Listen.
I'm going to go into this rift very slowly. These things don't stay open long, and they're a real pain to open again, so please save us the trouble. You wouldn't want to create a paradox by not taking the picture you just saw, would you, Mr. Paul? You've already violated causality. What's a little paradox between friends? Holy shit. I'm definitely going to die. No, no, you'll be fine. This will only take a moment.
You may want to have yourself checked out once we're done here, though. Checked out for what? Exposure to lethal doses of cosmic radiation. What? It's fine. You'll be fine. I should know. Remember when I asked whether you were going to kill me? Of course I'm not going to kill you. But I'm what? Going to die of radiation poisoning? Hardly. Don't worry.
When I'm done, I'll drop you off right where I found you. Where the hell are we? A wormhole. We're being swept along in a maelstrom of cosmic interdimensional currents. This is going to take a few minutes, so now would be a good time to actually read that documentation in earnest, so you know with whom you're dealing. Can't argue with that, I guess. Try not to drop anything.
Don't want sensitive classified information landing in the wrong narrative spacetime. What the hell is narrative spacetime? Above your clearance level, apparently. It just... Read it and don't drop the papers. Aloud? If you don't mind. It's always nice to hear someone reading your writing. Item number SCP-8000. Classified, level five, top secret, containment class, safe. As if I'd take your word for it. You don't have much choice in the matter, I'm afraid.
Special containment procedures. SCP-8000 is currently uncontained. Description. SCP-8000 is a gigantic serpentine entity resembling folk of... Vitulina, also known as the harbor seal. This entity resides within site 322. The exact length of SCP-8000 is unknown, as its majestic tail has never been located. However, estimates suggest it is about a furlong. Furlong?
Not really. It's all pretty short and dense, if I'm being honest. Instead of bounding, sliding, or swimming like the harbor seal it resembles, SCP-8000 is capable of... dainty, even whimsical, self-propelled flight. See, I told you. The entity is also capable of phasing through solid objects and precognition. SCP-8000 is benevolent, sapient, capable of human speech, highly intelligent, and...
Kind of cute by SEAL standards? You really had to put that in bold italics underlined and in all caps? It's an important detail. I'd like... To compliment you on your robust application of the scientific method and rigid adherence to Foundation Protocol. Thank you. I did my best to follow your organization's draconian standards and provide only objective, verifiable truths. Yes, I can see that. Moving on.
Additionally, SCP-8000 can create temporary space-time and trans-dimensional gateways at will. By sinking your teeth into the fabric of the universe and pulling... Really, really hard, apparently. You left that part out. It's a lot easier than you think. I bet. You should try it sometime. I can't. Not with that attitude. No, really. Humans can't bite space-time. We don't have the canines to get a proper grip on reality. That explains Jersey Shore. Besides, what about the cosmic radiation?
get enough radiation from dental x-rays without, you know, sticking my teeth directly into... this. Don't you have suits for things like that? Yes, I wish I was wearing one right now. But please explain how I could bite the very fabric of the universe itself with a hazard suit covering my face? Touché. It is hypothesized that SCP-8000 is connected to the baseline reality from a secret extra-dimensional location. Hypothesize? You don't know where you came from?
Oh, I know exactly where I come from. But it's a secret. I wouldn't be a very good skit without any mystery. The method or reason for SCP-8000's presence in Site-322 has not been revealed. Playing your cards close to the vest, I see. As of this writing, SCP-8000 is the only living being on Earth? What? Shit. We're here. Mind the gap. Little late for that. It's okay. We're through now and there's no risk of parts of that file landing anywhere sensitive. Come on then. Wait, wait, wait.
What did you mean when you wrote that you were the only living being left on the Earth? Well, there are none now, but we'll get to that later. Look. Is this the Wanderers Library? I think I've been here before. This library is mine. Those carnies got the idea for a grand infinite library from me. I borrowed it from Alexandria. I like the decor. The dark mahogany is wonderful. I wish I had a desk made of this stuff instead of that cheap plywood garbage.
The literal endlessness of the stats is a bit unsettling, but... I love the smell of old paper. How do all these floating lights work? Just some minor thaumaturgy. There's always a little magic in places like this. Grab that camera there on the table, please. You know what to do. What? Oh, oh, of course. How'd it turn out? It looks exactly like... Wait, where's the one that was in this file? You're holding it.
Add it to the file and leave the whole folder on the table with the camera, please. This doesn't make any sense. I hate time travel. Don't worry. You'll learn to appreciate it once you realize why we're here. Come on! A ways to go yet? I think I would have heard of a third library of this sort by now. I dislike publicity, so I keep it to myself. Ah, here we are. Memory lane? Really? Cowan, let's go for a stroll. How pedestrian.
This section holds every experience, every moment, every bit of knowledge, and every emotion you've ever had. It's a catalogue of you, Mr. Paul. How detailed. is this piano muscle memory is up there as you can see it's quite dusty there are four volumes on your childhood expertise in all things shark and shark related I have every moment of every elementary school class you've ever sat through further down that way. How in-depth? It's comprehensive, I'm afraid. It's got literally everything.
And in minute detail. Even when I... I'm not here to judge you, Mr. Lee. Here. Catch. What book is this? Open it! Is that what you were worried about? Yes. Jesus Christ. That felt so real. It was real. With these books, you can relive any moment of your life in absolute clarity. Is this your whole gig? Making you relive your most excruciating moments. You did reassure me you had no intention of torturing me for eternity. It's true.
Although, now you mention it, watching you squirm as you relive your most reviled emotional trauma does sound like fun. That's very reassuring. Thank you. Oh come on, it's just some light discomfort and it's just for one day. Nowhere near the millions of years of excruciating torture you're worried about. We can watch the spectators if it makes things easier. Why are you doing this? You'll never change if you don't come to know yourself. Don't think of this as torture. Think of it as, um...
therapy. You think I need therapy? This can't be why we're really here. It is. You need a little self-reflection to change the course of your life. So we're going to watch the memories of your most significant failures. There are so, so many great examples. More than most people I know, actually. I'd rather you drown me for real. Here, try this one. Would you stop throwing these things at me? They're heavy. Go on, open it. All right.
It's like we're ghosts or something. That last memory seemed to be a bit of a shock, so we'll just spectate this time. This must be how Ebenezer Scrooge felt. Oh, no way! What's that? It's a sketchbook. I used to draw my own superhero comics. There are a whole bunch in here. How many did you make? Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I don't remember. I love it though.
Before marine biologist and president of the United States of America, I wanted to draw the line art for DC. I got a bunch of those how to draw comics books. They never really helped other than giving you something to trace, but they were still cool. I just stopped one day. I don't remember why. Maybe school picked up or... Oh, shit! Don't worry, he can't see you. Wouldn't want to cause a paradox. Wouldn't want to cause another paradox. This is so weird. This is the day you start drawing.
I wish I had it. It was a pipe dream. Hey, sweetheart. Are you alright? Why are you crying? Oh my god. Aw. What's wrong? My drawings aren't any good. What do you mean? They're wonderful. They're no good. Honey. If you work yourself up like this, you'll never be happy with anything. I quit! I'll never try again! I support you in whatever you decide to do. But you shouldn't give up so easily. You need to work hard if you want to be successful. Do you want to help me bread the chicken cutlets?
for a six-year-old. I guess I was just a brat. Was. That's nice. Why didn't you stick with it? My dad talked me out of it. He said the odds of making significant accomplishments as an artist were slim to none. I wanted to be the next Bob Kane, Jack Kirby, or Stan Lee, but that was never going to happen. My dad is a talent scout for college football.
We'd always talk about these kids, the best players in their high school, but when they made it onto the field in college, they were suddenly in the lowest percentile. He was never, ever wrong. That's a bleak way to look at life, continually diminishing the accomplishments of others. You'd always bring up this type of thing whenever I got some new interest.
Always, always, always he'd manage to bring up how my passions were a waste of time and I was setting myself up for failure. He discouraged you on purpose? Sure seems that way. Mr. Paul, you understand that you can set your own standards? That's not true. That has never been true in the history of humankind. Society sets the standard. It's up to us to exceed it.
Mr. Paul, you have a rather obsessive personality that is never satisfied. Your art wasn't bad. Some would even consider it pretty good. You said as much yourself. I wasn't good enough. That obsession with perfection is why you quit. Besides, you were only six years old. There's nothing wrong with choosing a different path if the one you're on has no future. You do this for most activities.
Academic, recreational, or otherwise. As soon as you detect the faintest whiff of adversity... Here. Once more unto the breach, dear friends. Ah, yes. And she didn't know that. Fuck. Come on. I think that's fair. Yeah, I was a baby about my art, but this is just embarrassing. You can downplay these events as much as you please, but they were influential in creating the man you are now. You can say that about anything. That's how socialization works. You lost one basketball game and then quit.
Was the embarrassment that bad? Did you have to look in the face of my teammates after I went butterfingers on an easy game winner? Yeah, that's fucking embarrassing. Embarrassment is a normal part of life. It can stimulate learning and growth. The loss of that game was on me. No one else but me. Well, what about this one? 1520? Oh my god. Congratulations, Paul. I'm trying to get into a good school, Mom. 1520 won't cut it.
are you talking about? That's the 99th percentile. You did so well, baby. I'm so proud of you. Henry, Nate, and Isabella all scored above 1520. Nate did? Really? Nate's a tool. Did he cheat? That's not the point. 15-20 doesn't cut it. 15-20 is an amazing score. You practically aced it. I screwed up. You're being ridiculous now. Stop it. It's not good enough! I'm tired of this attitude. Why do you always minimize your accomplishments?
Be happy for yourself for once. You worked so hard and did very well. I'm incredibly proud of you, Paul. Doesn't that matter? I was pissed. I didn't get into an Ivy League school and I wanted everyone else to know that I was smart enough to be there. Why was that so important to you? I'm not going to let people think they're better than me as long as I can do something about it. There it is.
Ooh, you got me. Good fucking job. I hope you see that I'm trying to help you. Well, I was right in the end. I didn't get into the Ivies. You switched majors in college five... times. From computer engineering to graphic design to culinary arts to mechanical engineering in a year and a half. I figured it out with biology in the end and I graduated on time.
Why didn't you stick with your other choices? Because the concepts were impossible to understand. That's not true. You work for the Foundation. You're smart. I was studying the work of much more successful people. I was going to graduate and become a cog in a machine based on their discoveries. I wanted to break new ground.
I couldn't achieve what I wanted in those other majors, so maybe I sabotaged myself. I know my advisor hated me by the third switch, but I couldn't force myself into that life. You wanted to leave a mark? Yeah. Is that a crime? You're a site director. Eight years running right now. On top of that, you're reasonably young for one, yes?
Despite your appearance. Yeah, thanks. Working for the Foundation is stressful as hell. You climbed the ranks fairly quickly. Mostly due to your friendships with people in positions of power. Real confidence booster there. That's not criticism, Mr. Paul. These are facts. You weren't unqualified, but you got those qualifications because of opportunities provided by people like Ms. Moose or Mr. McGuinness.
No one forced me to do the work I needed to do, and no one else was ready to be director when I was picked. Why were you chosen to be site director? What do you want me to do? Brag? I was the most qualified man for the job, and I was in the right place at the right time. Remember our honesty pact, Mr. Paul. Here's a conversation between you and Mr. Anthony Cocaine in 1993. They gave that slimy fuck his own sight.
The houses have dealt with the Tartarian since the 40s. It was bound to happen. That's bullshit, Anthony. How is that fair? I never said it was. He's two goddamn years younger than me. What the fuck? I don't know why you're so upset. You're a senior researcher at 25. It took me until I was 34 to even sniff a project I could call my own, let alone land a senior title.
I've been in a one-sided war with Randall since I joined this organization. He has the biggest leg up on me now. Jesus Christ. You're impossible sometimes. Get it together and do the mountain of paperwork in your office. Sitting here and complaining won't make you an overseer. I was a kid, and I was jealous. Why were you jealous? Wasn't Randall a friend of yours? Yeah. Do you hate him? I don't hate him. I've never hated him. He's been a mentor to me since I started.
But you were so hateful during that moment. I guess I thought I should have made director first. Why? Because I hoped it would erase all my insecurities. If I'd beat him to the punch, no one would look at me like I don't belong here. You eventually got a sight of your own regardless. I did. But by then it felt like a consolation prize. It wasn't good enough. It should have been. I wanted to do something important. Something that I could put my name on.
My entire life I've been one step behind. All I ever, ever wanted was to get even the smallest bit of recognition. Don't you think it's a bit ridiculous to believe an organization in charge of the security and safety of the entire world would give someone control over Site-322 as a consolation prize? You got what you wanted, and it still wasn't good enough. I can't do this anymore. Can we stop? Please? I get it. I get what you're trying to tell me, I swear. Are you sure?
You said you wanted recognition, but you are recognized. You were already successful before you became site director. Anthony Koke said it himself. You reached a very high rank at a very young age, but that wasn't good enough, so you pushed harder. When you became side director, the responsibility that came with it wasn't what you expected.
It was fine for a time, because the novelty hadn't borne off, but it eventually dragged you down. What's the point of being recognized for my hard work and achievements if the hunt turns me into the world's biggest asshole? I've reached a ceiling. I have everything I wanted since I was a kid. Money, power, respect, friends. Okay, not many friends, but it's still not enough. What is there to reach from here? There's nothing above this.
You're right. There isn't much more to reach for. That's probably why you've started to break down. Let's look at another memory. Well, Paul, how do you think you've been doing? The fact that we're having this conversation isn't much of a confidence booster. Come on. We can see each other friends. Don't we? Sure.
Cutting to the chase. You've missed 12 of the last 14 O4 meetings. Your site's overall productivity, anomaly containment, research endeavors, etc. has plummeted over the last three months. I have 16 different complaints about... Oh, here's a good one. An odor of, and I quote, trash and shame originating from your office. People tell me you've been sleeping during work hours. Do you deny these claims? I don't know. I'm just... never mind. Is it burnout?
Maybe... I think it's just a lull. I don't know if I'm depressed or what even else it could be. I sit down in my chair, plow through a tide of bureaucratic nonsense, delegate whatever projects are left over, and then stare at my computer screen until I go home. I'm bored. Everything is boring.
How long have you felt this way? I was reviewing the research on this anomaly, some kind of coin or something, I think, and like, I don't know. I sat there looking at the file for this simple, basic, bullshit anomaly, and I felt it was all for nothing. I think it killed the spark. It happens. Look, Paul, I've dealt with a lot of people experiencing the same issues you are. How long have you been a director? Eight years. Oh.
That's quicker than usual. What's the point of whining? Going to do the work that he's doing. Tell me what's going on. Why do you feel this way? Please, I'm here to help you. Why? There's no point. I've had enough. Just give me a couple days to get myself together and I'll get back to it. I appreciate it, Jer. Well... That sucked. Here comes another. This way. April. Hey. Hello. Hi. An intervention? Are you kidding me? It's not an intervention. It's clearly an intervention. He's an idiot.
But he's not stupid. Alright, let's get this over with. We want to discuss your career and your emotional state. A few of us have prepared statements. Does anyone want to go first? Ooh, me, me! Cole? Mr. Leg, I am very sorry for the loss you have experienced over the last few months. I can only imagine how hard it is to lose a pet. What? As the youth say, let him cook.
It makes me sad to think about my pet gecko, Clyde, dying like your dog did in a horrific multi-vehicle collision on I-95. It must have been... So hard for you to lose your dog that way. I know you think about him all the time. I just want to offer my condolences to you and all of the other dead good boys and girls out there and their bereaved owners. Cole, this is about his- I appreciate it, Cole. Thank you.
Pretty sure he's never owned a dog, but whatever. Anthony! I needed some documents reviewed by you last week. You said you'd get to them, but when I went into your office a few hours later... I found them under a book written by a pickup artist. I had to stay overtime for five days doing the necessary edits. On top of that, I had to fill in for you at six separate meetings where you no-showed.
I didn't even get paid overtime. You didn't get overtime? No. You removed those privileges. No. No, I didn't. Oh, yeah. That was me. The hell? What were you thinking? He called me an asshole. For scalping, here is tour tickets. What the hell is this gumball machine even doing here? It's the first integrated anomaly. Like, put it in finance.
Probably not the finest idea. Thanks, big guy. I definitely asked for your opinion there. I'm just saying. It's an anomaly controlling Foundation resources. It's fine. It's not like I could use my influence to infiltrate the Overseer Council or something. Don't start with me, Dan. Everyone remembers how you used Foundation resources trying to score a girlfriend from the unbound lands of the Nameless, and we think about it every time we see you. Fuck you.
Jeez, one trip to the Forbidden Glade and you're making plans to bang one of the endless unnamed? How are you gonna get her out of there, Ashworth? How are you going to tell your parents? Oh, hey, Mom! Mom, this is my new girlfriend. She doesn't have a name, and if we talk about her or where she comes from the wrong way, we might grow feathers or lose our fucking minds. You weren't there. It was a...
Perfectly normal reaction. Lots of foundation explorers fall for unnamed folk from beyond the red brick horizon. They're beautiful and exotic. If you have been there, you have felt the same way and done everything in your power to connect with one of them yourself. Sure, buddy. You keep telling yourself that. Fuck you, Lake. Every time. Every damn time. My turn. For the last eight years, you've been very independent.
More independent than most, I get the rare call or email asking for a once-over on whatever report you're filing. More recently though, you become much less confident, needing to break down your methodology and philosophy for everything. Instead of just doing it, you're a smart kid. Start acting like it. I'm not allowed to ask for advice now? That's not what they're saying. So what? I'm just supposed to sit here and take this? No one's attacking you. Paul.
You need to hear it. The fact of life is there will be peaks and valleys. You reached a zenith of achievement. Now you're back in a valley and you're unsatisfied. It's not the end of the world unless you let it be. Randall? I'll keep this short. You're a whiny little bitch. You know how much bullshit I deal with on a daily basis? I literally work
In hell. In fucking hell, Paul. I'd love the respite of researching something easy and chill every once in a while. But as soon as you have to deal with something simple and straightforward, you go off on the damn rails and stop doing your job. Get it together, man. I can't believe I agree with this douchebag. You're being so annoying. I've seen this downward spiral happen a thousand times. Are people allowed to have qualms? Sure.
But I don't give a shit because 99% of the time they're whining because life is hard, work is hard. Or they think that they're not good enough. Well, I'm tired of this victim mentality. Stop crying! You're acting like a baby. Ha! Pot, meat, kettle. Guys, I said non-judgmental maybe three times. Maybe you should have said it. Six hundred.
Um, 50 times. He needs to hear it. You want to talk about being a whiny bitch? Watch yourself. Didn't you conscript literal demons to find that gamers against weed guy? The one who kept drawing you as a white person? A lot of self-confidence there, Randy. Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, buddy. How about this? The second you leave this room, take your hand and grab your life back by the fucking balls! You know what?
Fuck this. Grab my life back by the balls? Fine. I'll believe it when I see it. You watch me. Great work, guys. Astonishing stuff. Really effective. Thank you. After that train wreck of an intervention, I came up with the seeker. It was the best option I could think of to make my mark and prove to those assholes that I'm still in control. Well, you left a mark, all right. Have a look at this one. Don't drop it! Relax. Here.
Finders keepers, losers weepers. In computing, the seeker's users input specific search parameters to identify undiscovered anomalies. In conjunction... You're late. Director Legge. My apologies. In conjunction with its wormhole, Seeker's artificial intelligence system can predict an undiscovered anomaly's location... classification, and abilities based on the timelines and experiences of 35 million parallel Earths.
Utilizing a GUI interface, users can input several parameters, specifying the type of anomalies seeker should scan for, and the number of parallel realities it should search. Seeker will return the best result, providing the factors causing the anomaly's manifestation in parallel universes and its location on Earth. Is your job just one big dick measuring contest, Director Lake?
No, ma'am. I'm failing to see a need to spend billions- The estimates I've run- Don't interrupt me. Billions of the Foundation's money on a theoretical machine that accomplishes something we're already doing. I fail to see the need for this beyond satiating your ego. Big machines are all the rage nowadays. I'm shocked that you'd be interested in this, Third. Stop.
Calling me that. What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be in finance rubber stamping acquisitions requests? I'm 0513. What? You're on the council? Since when? You were an accountant a couple days ago. Ashworth was right. Having access to Foundation funds was a golden opportunity. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, Jesus Christ. If we could get back on track, please. Who was it that sent out that big machines are all the rage memo anyway? Ugh, that would be deep well.
Site 17. Has anything positive ever come from them? They're always ruining reality or killing gods. Because someone keeps throwing money at them. What? I like the cut of their jib. I did consult Deepwell for this. Well, you have my vote. You admit to conspiring with them. Oh my god, way to shoot yourself in the foot. Nonsense. Feet are overrated. Can I just say how nice it is to see you again, Mr. Lake? Firstly, I think this is a grand idea.
How did you come up with this? So cool. Anyway, I'm convinced this could benefit us here at the Foundation. What? You can't be serious. Thank God. However... I'm wondering about the intention here. I did read a report from Mr. Simrian over at the Ethics Committee, and he said you have a small case of the blues. More like a small case of narcissism. Fuck off! Watch it, Paul. I'm your boss now. Aren't those kinds of discussions supposed to be confidential?
We're not governed by that draconian hippa. We're far enough from Africa for those terrifying semi-aquatic behemoths to be of no concern, Seven. Try to catch up. Paul, please answer Five's question. Yes, I wasn't doing well for... personal reasons, after evaluating myself and considering why I poured myself into creating this project so that my site and I can remain in the forefront of interesting new research.
We have anomaly detection on every inch of this planet. Do you want to uproot this whole system? No. This is a different initiative. This device predicts future manifestations of anomalous entities. Yes, the anomaly detection system we have is top of the line, I can't deny that. But this would show us when, where, and... Why? Anomalies pop up before they appear. There's nothing like it. Let's do it. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey everyone, it's Pacific here with a quick ad break and a reminder. For just $5 a month, you can get access to ad-free episodes on our Patreon at patreon.com slash scp underscore pod. There's also a link to our Patreon in the show notes below. Alright, up next, a quick message from our sponsors. Alright, thanks so much for listening, and now, back to this week's episode. The anomalies found by the Seeker have been contained in cells through that door.
You sure you want to conduct these interviews yourself? Yes, thank you. That'll be all for now. Fine. Please be careful and don't open any of the containment chambers. Thank you. All right, let's have a look at this file. Seeker 01. Input universes 104. 257, parameters, close, alive, big, dangerous, in Philadelphia. Seeker Discovery. Anomaly was located in Citizens Bank Park, the home field for the Philadelphia Phillies baseball team. Hmm. That's weird. Description.
SCP-01-Seek is a chimerical humanoid anomaly resembling a green rotund avian wearing a Philadelphia Phillies uniform. SCP-01-Seek is sentient, sapient, and capable of speech. All right, let's have a look at you. So, that's not a costume? No. You've been a living thing this whole time. Uh, yes. Have you read my book? Everything's explained.
Yeah, I know it says you're from the Galapagos Islands, but there's historical documentation of the Henson monster shot making the Fanatic. I've met Charles Darwin. Have you now? I've been spreading anti-evolution rhetoric for 70 years. I'm the guy who came up with school choice. Why didn't Darwin write about you? I forced him not to. How? I threatened to eat him. Why would he believe you? I ate his assistant. Did you? Swallowed him whole.
Delightful. Yeah, yeah. My nose hole unhinges like a snake jaw. Look. You like eating people? Yeah, yeah. It's probably my favorite thing to do. You're... Okay with that? Do you get mad at sharks when they eat? Sharks don't actively hunt people. I never said I hunt people. Do you hunt people? Oh yeah, mostly kids. I like standing in their doorways and staring at them until they notice I'm there. Then it's dinner time.
Are you saying this just to get a reaction out of me? You know my hot dog gun. You ever get one of my hot dogs slung at ya? Nope. The dogs I put in there are made of people meat. From the people I hunt. Free range, non-GMO, it's the way to go. Enchanting. Can't believe you're a living creature, you're almost 200 years old, and you eat people. finding it hard to believe you think I won't eat you. Well, there's a reason you're in a containment cell.
Maker04. Input universes. 30, 124, 610. Parameters. Big. Scary. Dangerous. Monster. Secret discovery. Anomaly was located in the Everglades in Florida. They should be good. Description. SCP-04-SEEK is a humanoid anomaly capable of translocation through the space-time continuum. Hello? Hey, what's up, man? You live here? Nah, I'm just chillin'. How'd you get here? I like to teleport. Is that all? I can time travel. Have you done anything of note with that?
You ever wonder why child mortality was so bad when there were knights and kings and shit? Not particularly. They travel back in time to eat kids. The fuck? Another one? let's try this again. Seeker 13. Input universes. 629, 814, 230. Parameters. Alive. Sapient. Weapon old. Seeker discovery. Anomaly was located in the Nevada desert. Description. SCP-13-Seek is a sapient humanoid resembling common depictions of cowboys in media. SCP-13-Seek is comprised entirely of spaghetti?
What the fuck? Hello? Howdy. What's your deal? You got a name there? Please, come on. What's your deal? You're in a hurry to get nowhere fast my friend. My name's Spaghetti Jones. This is my horse, Rick Tony. What do you do? The wind takes me. So nothing. Well, I guess you could say that. It's a peaceful life. What do you eat? Food. Like what? What's your favorite food? I love me a nice, juicy steak. Rare. Like, cow? I don't believe they make steak out of any other creature. Okay.
You're a guy who's made out of spaghetti, and you think it's 1870. It's not 1870. If you were me, and you were looking for something amazing, would you be happy if you found you? I'm happy with myself. I think I'm a nice guy. Ricky Tony's a sweet fella, too. I'm content. That so bad? That's not what I was asking. You sure about that, partner?
Are you happy with yourself? I'm not happy that it took a billion dollars worth of paratech to find you. Well, I didn't ask to be found. That wasn't an answer to my question, either. You're not good enough. I'm sorry. My friend, as rude as you are, I hope you have a swell evening. Seeker 22. Input universes. 932, 143, 994. parameters, alive, Keter, hostile, robotic, discovery.
Anomaly was located in a residential home in New York City, New York, USA. Description. SCP-22-Seek is a sapient Tickle Me Elmo branded toy. SCP-22 seeks. Sapience can only be observed after a direct attempt at conversation combined with a tickling motion on its abdomen. Despite speaking like the fictional character of Elmo, SCP-22-Seek displays no similarities to the character's personality. Do you eat, kids? Do you eat kids
It's been a long few days. Elmo doesn't know what monster would eat kids. Elmo sticks to the adults. Much more meat. For fuck's sake! What the fuck did you guys do? Made the machine you wanted? Why the fuck is it pumping out cannibals? Maybe the AI heavily associates cannibals with the dangerous parameter? Maybe we should try to be more specific.
Maybe I should have been more fucking specific to you. This machine isn't meant to find things we can just toss in a locker and call it a day. That wasn't in the specifications. Read between the fucking lines. Paul, you're being ridiculous. No. I'm not. This project represents billions of dollars. This project represents me. We need to demonstrate that this can find a world-ending threat before it causes any damage. Who said that? Who said what?
That you need to find a world-ending threat. The Overseers? I need to find it. Me! I won't just sit here with a billion-dollar piece of paratech that will just spit out flesh-slurping, tickle-me-elbows. Do you understand how stupid I look? You need to calm down. Anthony, I'm one fucking second away. Just one fucking second from sending you to 120. Jim, what's the ceiling on the amount of universes this thing can scan?
You're just about there at 35 million. I need that number bumped up. Are you crazy? I can't just do that. The entire thing will need to be reassembled. Why? Technically. And... Maybe. I can move that number up to 40, but at that rate, it's going to be... So you can change the numbers? Yes. What's the limit? Listen, the stabilization on that machine... You fucking built it, Jim.
You'll fix it if it breaks. Jesus Christ. I'm not changing the universal limit. Suit yourself. I have no problem with that. I can do it myself. Wait a second before you do something stupid. Didn't you fail out of engineering? Not much in this section. Where are we? Why is it so dark in here? To you, this hasn't happened yet. I plucked you out before.
But you have made the decisions that led us to where we are now. All of this will happen should I release you now and let you go alone. Do you remember your meeting before I stepped in? Sure, yeah, but you interrupted it. This is it. The last book. The last book? It's not a memory, per se. But you'll be able to see the aftermath. Of what? Why is there nothing beyond this? Why are the rest of the shelves empty? Read it.
Jer, I'm gonna be honest with you. There's not a single thing you can say to me that won't piss me off. I'm worried about you, Paul. I've done this all alone for the past godforsaken month. You wanted me to do the work I needed to do. I'm looking for the most dangerous anomalies we don't have contained. And I'm containing them. You found 25 anomalies, most of which have a taste for human flesh.
Oh, my God. I would think that you, of all people, would be able to understand how basic science works. I'm working on it. Before you forced me into this meeting, I was almost done with the remaining adjustments. What do you want to find, exactly? A god? That wouldn't be the worst thing. And then what? Contain it yourself, too? You need to reevaluate this whole situation.
I am on the cusp of solving every single issue I have in my life. I met with the engineers. They're convinced that if you go over the one billion universes mark, it will end very, very badly. You have a ticking time bomb in your sight. Do you understand the danger you're putting yourself and others in? I'm done after today. I changed some parameters, and it's going to give me exactly what I've been looking for. Last time. Scout's honor. See ya.
You're probably wondering why I've called everyone here. Today, I find my crowning achievement. The anomaly that this wonderful machine discovers today will not be a cannibal, but instead will be my... And by extension, your magnum opus. This was a lot of work. Far too much, some could even say. I've calibrated Seeker perfectly. That thing is going to explode. Do you have to be so dark? Everything is all set up.
Parameters are in. And I even reconfigured the stabilization to account for the wormhole. Wait, you did what? All I need to do is push this button. No! Don't touch that! Do you know where we are? I... You know. And I know you do. What happened? The seeker machine had a meltdown, Mr. Paul. It collapsed in on itself. Wormholes are a fickle thing I would know. It was already highly unstable, but you built it up to push past every reasonable boundary in your obsessive sense of glory.
You put in some combination of parameters that didn't exist in any known universe. Something so specific, so impossible. In fact, your side is gone. Your evil. I've got all of them. You. You said this will happen. So has it? In the time when you didn't meet me, it did. You stopped it? I stopped nothing, Mr. Paul. My attention was only drawn towards you because of the immensity of this tragedy. Billions are dead because of you.
I see death and destruction every day. It almost always stems from groups with a history that lets me understand their reasoning. But you... You are a unique case. I looked through your history, hoping to find some sort of triggering event that could explain what happened. But there wasn't one. Every step of the way, you ignored your better judgment and the advice of others. You let your worst tendencies smolder into an uncontrollable blaze, and it caused this.
I can fix this. I can. I know I can. You can give me that chance. Just put me back. Maybe. Maybe I could stop it. I could intervene right as you jump into the deep end and see if I could... draw you back over the edge. Cimmerian was your last lifeline. Starting there was only natural. Oh my god, I... I can't believe this. This isn't fucking happening.
I tried, Mr. Paul. Believe me, but you're stubborn. You've been unreceptive to everything I've tried to show you. I understood it. I understood it all. I'm just an asshole. I can't look at the fucking name. I'm a fucker. What does knowing that mean in the end? Huh? I am who I am. I'll never be satisfied. And that's the way it is. That way of thinking has only led you to where we are now. I can't fucking fix this alone.
You can fix this by yourself. You need to reflect upon yourself. See what I see. You have success, but you need to appreciate it. How? How the fuck can I fix this? everything we've seen. I saw a kid who didn't believe in himself become a man who couldn't cope with the thought that no one else would believe in him. Despite all of this, look at you now. I'm not in the business of cruelty, Mr. Paul.
Let's leave this place. I'm not happy with myself. I never have been. I know. I can't let this happen. I can't. This... I wasn't fucking made for this. Most of us aren't. But we all find our way. You have. I can't let all that work and time be for nothing. I can't let everything I've worked for end in a crater in the middle of nowhere. I can't be this hollow fucking shell smiling through problems I made for myself. Do you trust yourself? Jesus Christ.
Christ, what is wrong with me? You may have your issues, but you have the ability to fix all of this. My God. Made a life and friends there. Everything I've ever worked for was in that building. That was my success. This is my success. Do you trust yourself? I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never good enough. I can't keep looking at other people's happiness and feeling awful instead of being happy with them. I'm good enough. I've always been good enough.
Mr. Paul! Do you trust yourself? I trust myself. I can fix this. The bookshelves. They're full. What happened? These are future memories. Your life doesn't end perpetually anymore. Now you can return to your home, to your friends, and to your work. You can succeed in your own way and fill these books. Everything's predetermined? No.
Mr. Paul, these books are empty and will become filled with the choices you make. You may return and disregard every bit of advice and knowledge I've given you, and these books will vanish once more, or... You can return and give me some more reading to catch up on. It's all up to you! Jer, I'm going to be honest with you. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Are you okay? What's going on? I think so. Thank God. I'm worried about you, Paul.
What I've seen and read over the last month makes you seem unfit for this position. The secret project is a ticking time bomb. I'm worried for the safety of everyone in this site, and moreover, I'm concerned with your safety. I know. You're right. Are you serious? Yeah. Alright. I feel like I've been watching you suffer in self-imposed silence. Please, for the last time, tell me what's going on. I...
I should have listened to you. I know you were trying to help. I still am. I'm sorry I pushed it all away. Not just you, everyone. All my life, I've been trapped in this cycle of jealousy and insecurity. I've... Only gotten out of it because of the people who genuinely cared for me. Well, I'm not going to pretend I was expecting this. You have no fucking idea what I just dealt with. There was this seal and- Seal?
What? Are you sure you're okay? I'm not crazy. There was a seal, and I went into this library, and... Do I need to call someone? Fuck it. Doesn't matter. A few weeks ago, you told me you were here to help me. And I still am. So problem for me started after I finished my 001 proposal. That was a big achievement. As far as I was told, you were happy with it. Yeah, I was happy. It's my crowning achievement.
I got it all done up and published, but like, that was it. It was well received by my peers and colleagues, I got the stamp of approval from the council, and I went through fucking hell to get it done. The hard work paid off. Second I hit that publish button, I was on top of the world. Then it was over. Then I was back to the real world where I was just stuck in all this regular monotonous grunt work.
You understand not everything you're going to work on will be these major projects, right? I do now. I felt like it was only downhill from there. That's fair. You were returning back to your normal workload. It would be a shock to the system. I felt like I reached the peak of my research eight years into my spot as a director. Eight years! I couldn't shake that sense of all-encompassing dread.
We have people in the foundation who are immortal. I couldn't imagine that the rest of my life, or a prolonged life, could be spent chasing a high that might never come again. Regardless of whatever you consider a major project, something like a proposal being published sets a new standard and expectations. And I couldn't reach them. I'll never be able to reach them. And that's completely normal.
It was like the day-to-day tasks, the things that were stepping stones into these larger accomplishments became a never-ending loop, a never-ending reminder that I wasn't there anymore. Responsibilities came back and... All it did was remind me that this major achievement was just a brief pause. I couldn't cope. I understand that. I'd be a liar if I told you you were the only person to experience that feeling. I know.
It never feels like that in the moment. Fair enough. You know what I realized? I didn't solve anything. The only reason I managed to get anything successful out of that clusterfuck was because everyone here stood behind me and believed I had something tangible. They were the ones who worked on the containment procedures with me.
They were the ones who calmed my nerves when I thought I was going to lose this job. And they were the ones I've been ignoring for this shit show I've created this last month. I wish I'd seen it sooner. You have the chance to fix that now. I know. I know I'll never be able to get rid of that feeling I've had in my entire life. And it's brought me to heights I never could have imagined. I couldn't see the self-destruction that came with it.
The lost relationships, the time wasted, the all-encompassing feeling of shit never getting better. I can cope with that. I've done it from day one. But I let it break me for the first time. It can't happen again. I won't let it. Paul, at the end of the day, disregarding all the politics and bullshit we put on ourselves and each other. Your standards are what you make them. God, do I know that now? You don't have to say that to me ever again.
I know I was an asshole. Cough noise. Still a cough noise. Thanks. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I'm sorry. I know all of you have had my best interest at heart. I've been in my own head, and I made it everyone else's problem for the sole reason I could. Paul, as much as we all appreciate that, the machine is still incredibly unstable. I know. You have no goddamn idea how unstable it is. We're going to be okay. Please don't worry. There was this seal... Never mind.
I'm going to sound more insane than I already have been. We're going to fix this together. We need to lower its universal threshold to nothing, and then reactivate it. That'll stabilize everything. Got it. Is that right? Yeah, you can reactivate it now. Seeker 25. Input universes, one. Parameters, none available. Discovery. Anomaly's location is triangulated to the sky above site 322. That's something. That's the one. Item number.
SCP-8000. Classified level 1. Unrestricted. Containment class. Safe. Special containment procedures. SCP-8000 is currently uncontained. Description. SCP-8000 is an unidentified entity, resembling an elongated foca vitilina, or harbor seal. Estimated to be 150 to 200 meters in length, SCP-8000's exact anomalous properties are unknown.
Based on eyewitness accounts, SCP-8000 is capable of self-propelled flight via unknown means. The origin of SCP-8000 is unknown as the entity disappeared from view soon after its discovery. A Foundation aircraft was deployed to SCP-8000's last known location, only to discover a small rift in space-time that has since closed. This week's episode was possible thanks to our patrons. Joining us today was Dr. Snooz, Jordan337, DJ Tate, Brittany Benson,
Jonathan Nieto. The Mysterious S. Nick Beats. El Jefe Holmes. DJ Fischel. Weird that we got two DJs. Custard Cream with a K. Tara Green, and Francelle Miller. Thanks for your support, guys. We couldn't do what we do without you. SCP Archives was created by Pacific S. Obadiah and John Grylls. SCP-8000 was written by PlaguePJP. Our script was by Kevin Whitlock. Our narrator was Daisy McNamara. Laug was Tal Minear. SCP-8000 was Rhys Lawton.
Samarian was Jesse Hall. Coy was Nate DeFort. House was Karim Cronfly. SCP-5595 was Vic Collins. Laug's mother was Shelby Novak. SCP-01-Seek was Katrina Pessina. SCP-04-Seek was Brandon Nguyen. SCP-13-Seek was Scott Paladin. And SCP-22-Seek was Melissa Lusk. Blank was Anvar Mahmood. Chief Engineer Hartwell was Janine Bauer. Ashworth was Marquise Moore. There even was Reece Tirado. 057 was B. Nahr.
052 was Alyssa Park. And 051 was Kale Brown. Our arts was by Eduardo Baldez-Hebbia. Our video was produced by Dakota Miller. Our theme song was by Mount Roy Burger. And our sound designer was Chris Harris-Beachy. Our music was done by Dana Creasman. Our showrunner was Daisy McNamara. I'm your creative director, Pacific S. Obadiah, and our executive producer is Tom Owen. This is a Bloody FM show. For more information, visit scparchives.com.