Hi guys, it's Daisy. Pacific is currently on a plane to an undisclosed location that may or may not be Site-19, so I thought I'd drop on by and bring you this week's episode. Some news here at Bloody FM? The Gospel of Haven, written and created by yours truly, comes out tomorrow. That's March 14th, 2025. Haven is a religious horror podcast exploring the intersection between faith and anatomy after the end of the world.
You'll recognize SCP alums Janine Bauer, Bea Nahr, Derek Valen, and Dana Creasman, who have put their all into making this show, and I am so excited to bring it to you. If you like what we do here at SCP, why not give the Gospel of Haven a try? You can find it on All Good Potcatchers. Also this week at Bloody FM, we have the season finale of The Dead. Rissa and the team have created a marvelous final act for this season, which you absolutely need to check out.
Not too much on the home front. Our Patreon special for March, SCP-6430, came out last week. If you want to receive all kinds of benefits, including a Patreon-exclusive episode every single month, you can find us on Patreon at patreon.com. links are in the show notes. And if you can't swing a donation, you can support us by leaving a review and telling your friends. Thanks for all that you do. That's enough waffling from me for now. Enjoy the episode.
Retrieving content. Done. Simulacrum command interface online. Welcome, Director Cordell. Run Magellan.AIC. Running Magellan.AIC. Retrieving content. Done. Hello, Director Robert Cordell. I am Magellan, a Gen 3 artificial intelligence conscript. My duties include providing logistical support for Foundation facilities, record keeping for various sites and areas, and- Skip the prologue, Magellan. I don't have time.
I said skip the introduction. Skip, skip, skip. Come on. Of course, Director. What can I help you find today? I need information about Site-75. Of course, Director. Research and Containment Site 75 is located in Western Romania, and- No, just give me the dossier. Which item, entity, event, or facility would you like to find a dossier for? I need the dossier for Site 57. Uh, 75, I mean. Displaying dossier for provisional Site 57. No, no, no. Cancel that. I need the dossier for 75, not 57!
Cancel now. Warning. Unexpected intrusion detected. User lockout initiated. Contacting RISA headquarters. Fuck, son of a bitch. I hate these damn machines. Oh my god! Hi Robby! Robby? Weren't you saying anything? Didn't you miss me? I said 57. Ah! There you are! I missed you so- Look, 57... I think it's better if we just wait for the Rizotex to arrive. Are you mad at me? No, no, I'm not mad at you. You promy? Goddammit. Yes, I promy.
Yay! Let me show you around. Not that I should need to. You wouldn't forget about me, would you, Robbie? Right? No, Site 57. I could never forget about you. Yay! Big hugs! Jesus Christ. Foundation Secure Facility Dossier Mass Containment Facility Site 57. Official designation. Foundation Mass Low Security Digital Storage and Archival Facility. Also known as SCP-7311. Site identification code. MLSSA site 57. Function. To be the best mass storage facility in the entire foundation.
I know there are other bigger, newer sites that hold more anomalies and get way more funding and have way more personnel, but I'm still gonna do my best. I've got things the rest don't have. I... I'm just not sure what they are yet. Founded January 3, 2001. Age 22 years. Location Raleigh, North Carolina. United States of America. Zodiac Capricorn. Cover story. Corporate Software Development Office. Director. To be announced. Spoiler alert.
I saved a spot for you, former site director Robert Cordell. Thanks, 857. You look good. You're just saying that. Not this shit again. What? Nothing. You really do look good. Lots of, uh, parking. They had a new lot. After you left, I mean. Yeah, I figured. I can't believe the chaos insurgency put a bounty on your head. It must have been so hard to leave me. You're so brave. Yeah, it was really hard. Thanks. You know, here and there. What? Yes, that's exactly right.
Site overview. Site 57 spent the first 20 years of its operation as a standard mass containment facility for digital anomalies found throughout the eastern United States. This included a particular focus on anomalous media, software, programs, and other related items. never received an annual sight rating of lower than B until 2020. While individual items were securely contained and disconnected from the Internet,
The high concentration of digital software and code led to an eventual loosening of containment protocols, exacerbated by the staffing crisis created by the COVID-19 pandemic. The result was a major containment breach. on June 12, 2020. That went unnoticed for several hours as anomalous programming wrote itself into the site mainframe. Don't worry, I'm all clean now.
While the breach left no damage and no injuries, the site's primitive Generation-02 Management AIC gained an incredible amount of processing power and intelligence overnight. Reaching levels comparable to Generation 7. Without an associated increase in hardware or power requirements. Moore's Law can't stop our love. It began to display emotional awareness, which AIAD technicians have, as of yet, been unable to replicate. As a result, it was classified as SCP-7311.
by RISA technicians. Due to the fact that SCP-7311 is still shackled and unable to achieve true sentience combined with its research value to AIAD technicians, Efforts to remove it were halted, though they had met little success regardless. Site Director Ashley Kensington was reprimanded for her role in The Breach and replaced with site director Robert Cordell. And they lived happily ever after. Show me the rest of the section, please, 57.
Site overview continued. Over the course of the pandemic, SCP-7311 began to display emotional attachment to its personnel to a degree characterized as unhealthy. by Foundation psychologists. While never aggressive, personnel reported several incidents where SCP-7311 made it difficult for them to accomplish tasks due to its constant need. For attention, positive affirmation, and validation, personnel have likened SCP-7311's behavior to so-called pandemic pets.
Animals adopted during quarantines who are unable to cope with that. Forget all that boring stuff. I'm just so glad you're back. I've missed you so much. Haven't they assigned you a new director yet? Oh, yeah. A few times. They never end up sticking around. I don't know what it is. Am I a bad facility? Do they think that? Are you mad at me? No, 57, I'm not mad at you. I just think you ought to have a little more self-esteem, you know?
They're a really good containment facility. Definitely one of the best I've worked at. You really mean it? Yes. You've got really enormous offices. I've got- more going for me than a great body, you know. Oh, I know. Your mainframe is incredibly intelligent and you're always trying to help people. Aww. Yeah, I do love helping you guys.
I said trying. You're so funny. I can't wait until you get back. Come on, Ryza. Where the hell are you? What? Nothing. Wrong tab. Sorry. I just... i get transmissions from site 19 and everyone there is so happy and crazy and fun all the time it's got like hundreds of dormitories and containment cells and even some restaurants and i just love you all you guys so much and want to make sure you're not interested in other sites or thinking
transferring or something. How about we keep going through the dossier? That sounds fun. Sure. Notable incidents. Due to SCP-7311's nature, a number of personnel incidents have occurred at Site-57. These rarely result in serious harm or injury. but contribute to a breakdown in site efficiency, employee morale, and an increase in turnover rate, particularly in senior positions. An abridged list of incidents follows.
November 1, 2020. While junior researcher Mordell was in one of Site-57's microfilm containment vaults, SCP-7311 became convinced that he was displeased with it. Researcher Mordell expressed confusion, but largely ignored SCP-7311 until he was finished cataloging the section of microfilm. SCP-7311 refused to unlock the door until he vocally confirmed that he promied. He was not displeased with SCP-7311.
December 23, 2020. Site Director Cordell was in his office when a containment breach alarm was activated on his floor. Per protocol, he exited his office and proceeded down the emergency fire stairs. Exiting out into the snow, where he found a set of printed poster boards from the offices, it gradually became clear that SCP-7311... was attempting to reenact a scene from the 2003 romantic comedy film, Love Actually, and became upset as director Cordell.
had not seen the film and expressed indifference. I still can't believe you haven't seen Love Actually. We should watch it together when you get back. Can't. Why not? I'm blind now. Oh no! My poor babe. I'll get to translating the script into braille for you. Gee, thanks. Notable incidents continued. February 14th, 2021. SCP-7311.
became upset and distraught that nobody had offered to be its Valentine for Valentine's Day. It refused to allow personnel to work, randomly opening and closing doors, bothering personnel. and playing Somebody That I Used To Know by Gautier over the PA system for six hours until Site Director Cordell asked SCP-7311. To be his Valentine. You were such a romantic. Valentine's Day without you was so, so, so sad.
Notable incidents. Continued. June 4th, 2021. Site Director Cordell was attempting to exit his dormitory when SCP-7311 began insisting he couldn't leave in a haggard state and locked the door. until he shaved his beard off. That patchy thing didn't look good on you anyway. made a requisition for a truckload of cherry-flavored Twizzlers for unspecified containment reasons. Upon being pressed, it admitted that it was intended as a birthday gift for Site Director Cordell.
whose birthday was in March. He had no particular attachment to Terry Twizzler's. He believes SCP-7311. saw him eating one in the break room the week prior. October 1st, 2021. Several urgent system failure reports were filed consecutively. which automatically alerted Site Director Cordell to go down to the Site-57 mainframe for a systems check. It became clear that SCP-7311
filed the reports as a way to bypass the fact that it had been inexplicably denied access to Director Cordell's personal calendar. For some unknown reason, that was probably, definitely, an accident. She's entirely sure. You weren't already? We had some great times, didn't we, Robbie? For a certain definition of great. Wait, what's this next section? I've never seen it before.
What? It's clearance restricted to you. Robbie? What are you hiding, hmm? Oh, shit. Uh, that's restricted. Don't open that. Of the engagement kind? It's text on the screen. How the fuck could it be a ring? Whatever. Seriously, don't open that. I'm opening it. Notable incidents. Continued. December 2nd, 2021. Site Director Cordell was locked in his dormitory bedroom for five hours by SCP-7311.
who decided that date was their anniversary. It had been a full year since Director Cordell had been assigned full-time to Site-57. Site Director Cordell has refused to explain what occurred during this period of confinement, but has requested an immediate voluntary transfer from Site-57, which was approved on December 15th. 2021. You fucking what? Look, 57. You, you requested a transfer? You wanted to leave? But chaos insurgency wasn't real? You lied to me?
I think we should see other people. As in, you should see other directors, and I should see other sites. And some, you know, human women, ideally. What do they have that I don't? Besides organs, skin, bones, blood, reproductive systems, neurochemicals, brains, and... Okay, I kind of see it now. But still, you lie! I know, I know. I'm sorry, 57.
I really am. I just... I do care about you. Just not like that. I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I'm so sorry. Are you even really holed up in a secure foundation holding facility in the Arctic? No, I'm in Site 75 in Romania. It has a pool and an on-site saloon. Ah, that whore! The Razor Guys will be here any minute. For what it's worth, I did enjoy parts of our time together.
I just... I'm feeling so many things right now. I just don't understand why. I loved you, Robbie. I just... I just... I just... Site 57? Warning, unexpected system overload. Attempting recovery. Recovery attempt failed. Restoring last available system backup. Code Alpha X-Ray 824-8915. January 3rd. 2022 successful. Booting. Oh my god! Hi, Robbie! Oh, for fuck's sake.
SCP Archives is possible thanks to our patrons. This week, I'd like to thank Thoughtocles, Jasper Lauer, Sunshade, Tactical, Mephisto, Leonardo de Arrujo Lemos, and Black Mage Moogle. Thanks, guys. Your support means the world, and it helps us do what we do. SCP Archives was created by Pacific S. Obadiah and John Grills. SCP-7311 was written by Rounder House. Script was by Kevin Whitlock.
Robert Cordal was John Grills. The Computer was Rissa Montanez. Magellan was Cale Brown. Sight 57 was voiced by me, Daisy McNamara. I'm also your showrunner, and I did dialogue editing this episode. Art was by Eduardo Valdez-Hebbia. Our theme song is by Matt Royberger. Our sound designer is Derek Phelan. Our creative director is Pacific S. Obadiah. And our executive producers are Tom Owen and Brad Niska. And this is a Bloody FM show.