Guys, it's Daisy. I know we say it every week, but I'm going to say it again. All of this is made possible thanks to our patrons. So we're going to share this week's exclusive ad-free Patreon episode with you all. And a big thank you to the new patrons that join us every day. We couldn't do this without you. I'd like to dedicate this episode to my own boss, Pacifica Sobadiah, a man with startling resemblances to today's leading man. Happy April Fools.
Item number SCP-0001-J Object class, the best. Note, this object class was personally created by the administrator to refer to... Himself. As this does not harm the documentation of SCP-0001, Jay and the administrator has the authority to kill all of us. Nobody argued. Special Containment Procedures. Containment of SCP-0001-J is currently impossible. Tactic A-23 Hypernova Spectacular, also known as Ass Kissing,
has been proven an effective countermeasure in high-risk situations where SCP-0001-J is an immediate threat. However, Due to the high personnel cost of enacting this procedure, it is only to be used in dire emergencies. Description SCP-001-J is the anomalously large ego of the administrator of the SCP Foundation. No larger ego has been recorded in history, and his ego is in direct contrast to his intelligence.
During the meeting to decide how to describe SCP-0001-J, the administrator burst into the room and exclaimed, You know what else is anomalously large? All attempts to report this behavior to human resources resulted in threats of dismantling the entire HR division. Addendum 0001.1 The administrator hosts a mandatory surprise party for himself at his office every year on his birthday. These parties are always recorded on his own personal camera. Video begins.
The lights in the office are turned off, and four dozen people are seen crouch behind various pieces of furniture. A coffee mug can be seen on the administrator's desk, which reads, World's Best Boss. This mug is made of titanium alloy infused with diamonds. Several other objects are also labeled with the same message. The administrator walks into the office and turns on the light. Surprise! The administrator smiles. Oh, wow. Oh, you shouldn't have.
A cake can now be seen on a nearby table with the words, world's best boss, drawn in chocolate icing. Oh my god. This cake, it's... So wonderful. Oh, oh, oh, you guys. You guys really went all out on this one, didn't you? The room is silent. No one meets the administrator's eyes. Oh, right. I paid for it myself and had it delivered. That was really expensive, too.
Well, glad you all came, though. Even if you don't get to eat any. Come to Papa. The rest of the party is spent in silence as the administrator eats the entire cake. By himself. So you bought me a cake yourself, you pretty fucking assholes. Fuck you. God. Oh my God. You guys should really try this. I'm not souring self. Fuck you. Video ends. Addendum 0001.2
The following is a termination proposal for SCP-682 sent directly to the O5 Council by the administrator. All right, you numbskulls. It's come to my attention that roughly... 32% of our budget goes into throwing random shit at 682 to try and kill it. That's stupid. All of you are stupid. Obviously, we just need to nuke it. It's not that hard. Did none of you think of this? I mean, seriously. We've got one under every goddamn site. We have spares.
I want that lizard obliterated or you're all fired. Following this request, an emergency meeting was called in an attempt to reconcile the administrator's unshakable confidence in his own abilities with the basic facts of reality. An agreement was reached after 37 hours and 43 minutes, and the termination proposal was scrapped, put on indefinite hold.
We tried to convince him it was a stupid idea, but he wouldn't stop insisting on it until we instead convinced him we'd run out of nukes. The administrator has since put in a request to create more nukes. He has insisted that this should come out of all of our paychecks because we, quote, shouldn't have used all the nukes. Addendum 0001.3
The administrator frequently chooses to partake in MTF expeditions to show his own strength and wit. One of these expeditions is described below, in which MTF Alpha, beta, gamma, delta, epsilon, zeta, eta, theta, outa, kappa, lambda, mu, nu, c, omicron, phi, rho, sigma, tau, epsilon, phi, chi, psi, omega, one bazillion.
The Champions was tasked with containing a pack of deadly wolves with anomalously enhanced size. Begin log. The administrator is seen walking into the forest as he begins making hand signals. These hand signals do not match any known methods of sign language or any established procedures for MTF field communication. Foxtrot Charlie, I have the position of the bogeys. Over.
You don't have to. I don't answer to you, cadet. I'm not a cadet. I'm the captain. Well, you won't be if you keep talking back to me. A loud scream is heard through the microphone of OB-3. Okay? What happened? Don't worry. Nothing will happen to any of you. What is your position? Three. Nothing will happen to any of you except three. Guys, I think we should go to three. She seems like she's in trouble. We just need to accept our losses.
What's important right now is that we are getting closer to the position of the anomalies. I can handle all of this, don't worry. We'll always remember her sacrifice. Imagine there's a dramatic tear rolling down my cheek. I physically can't cry. I'll make sure she gets a decent burial. Does... Anybody else notice anything strange? Yeah, it's silent. I think we... Several wolves jump out of the nearby foliage and tackle OB-2 and OB-4 to the ground.
Obi-1 and Obi-5 grab their guns and begin firing into the wolves. Get off me, you hairy asshole! Whoa, dude! Watch where you're pointing that thing! We need to help them! Yeah, but don't fucking shoot me. You can't even die. Shoot them. The administrator rips off his shirt. Abs are drawn on his abdomen in black sharpie. Yeah. I got this. Stand back. The administrator begins to punch the wolf that is currently biting the throat of OB-4.
It attempts to lunge at him, but fails due to the anomalous invincibility that the Administrator possesses. Notably, the Administrator does not appear to damage the wolf. Obi-Fur succumbs to his wounds and dies. How do you like that? The wolf dies from the gunshot wounds that it sustained during the fight. That was tough. I guess there's truth to the phrase. Hungry like the wolf. The administrator performs a poorly executed backflip and winks at OB4's body cam.
The sound of guttural screaming can be heard in the background as Obi-2 is eaten by another wolf. What are you doing? Help him! I thought you were the captain. The administrator reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of sunglasses. He puts them on and begins walking toward the camera. End Log Addendum 0001.4 The following incident log details the events leading up to and narrowly avoiding a Class VII mandatory movie night event on 03-08-2023. Events were transcribed from memory by 05-7.
Site director Johannes, researcher Miller, and Dr. Cross are hanging around the staff break room. Some other dudes might have been there, but I don't remember and they aren't important. Any plans for the weekend?
The administrator enters the break room and is unacknowledged. Yeah, I'm going out on a fishing trip with my buddy Dale. Haven't gotten to see him in a couple years now since he left the country on business, so it'll be nice to see him again while he's in town for the weekend and all that. Oh, that's nice. I hope you- It is at this point that the administrator interrupts. Attention, employees. I'm very pleased to announce a movie night this Saturday.
We'll be watching my favorite movie, Thor The Dark World, and it will be mandatory. I mean it. Your jobs are on the line if you miss this one. The room goes silent. Researcher Miller is visibly distressed. Oh, uh, we can't actually. The whole site is busy that day.
I just set the schedule. It's too late to reschedule, you know. Just such a shame it'll have to be next week. Or the week after. Or... Really? I made sure not to schedule... anything for Saturday or let anyone else schedule anything for Saturday, specifically for this reason. Dr. Cross sweats profusely and takes just long enough to respond for it to feel awkward for everyone involved. 682 is breaching that day.
Yeah, yeah, the breach. The scheduled 682 breach. Can't deviate on that one. You know how he is. Won't wait even for something so important. I'm afraid they're right, boss. We just, uh, can't do it this weekend. Real shame, too. Of course. Right. I said that to test you and make sure you remember the schedules. Yep. Yeah, for sure.
Damn, I'm smart. But we wouldn't even have this problem if someone didn't refuse to let me nuke the lizard. Just saying, it totally would have worked. Food for thought. Emergency notice to all employees. As of 0408, 2023, SCP-0001-J... is determined to be at risk of causing an imminent XK-class end-of-the-world scenario via the sheer incompetence and overconfidence of the administrator. The administrator has chosen to release SCP-682 from containment and launch a nuclear missile at it.
As the administrator did not have the foresight to warn any national governments of this nuclear launch, an international nuclear conflict has begun with intercontinental missiles already in the air. In light of this incident... All essential employees are to make their way to on-site emergency shelters and await further instructions or potential evacuation. The O5 Council has been unable to override any decisions made by the administrator, as this is...
and has always been a dictatorship. Visual confirmation seems to confirm 682 as being successfully terminated. However... The administrator has now caused all-out nuclear warfare, which by current estimates, will result in the deaths of approximately 90% of the human population by the end of the day. God help you. Message sent via consensus of the O5 Council. Addendum 0001.5 Security Footage Overwatch Command Council Chamber 3 Begin Log
The administrator walks into the O5 Council office, the pelt of the beast hanging over his shoulder. He throws it down on the big round table. Several members of the O5 Council gasp. clearly shaken by the sight of the once immortal reptile so easily defeated. The administrator sits in the chair at the head of the table, taking his rightful position as the leader of the foundation.
He wipes the sweat from his brow, exhausted after the fearsome battle he had with the wretched creature. The council members look down at the table, gazing upon the glistening scales in awe of their fearless leader's accomplishment. There are three words etched into the remains of the once unkillable beast, carved by a sword befitting of a king. World's Best Boss
SCP Archives was created by Pacific S. Obadiah and John Grylls. SCP-001-J was written by R. Ryan and Hikorino. Script was by Daisy McNamara. Our narrator is Derek Phelan. Tired narrator was Virginia Spots. Miller was Dustin Parsons. Johannes was Kit Patterson. Dr. Cross was Melissa Lusk. The administrator was Katrina Pessina. 05-7 was Brandon Wynn. I'm your dialogue editor and showrunner, Daisy McNamara. Our theme song is by Matt Royberger.
Sound design was by Dustin Parsons. Our creative director is Pacific S. Obadiah. Our executive producers are Tom Owen and Brad Miska. And this is a Bloody FM show.