Number's Lie

Hey everyone, it's Pacific, and welcome to another episode of SCP Archives. We're so glad to have you here, and, I don't know, thanks for hanging out, listening to the show. I don't know. I feel like I don't say that enough. Thank you. We appreciate it. This week, I want to tell you about one of our long-term collaborators. You might know Jesse Hall.

He worked on a lot of our earlier season episodes. He's stuck around. He moderates our Discord. And he's a wonderful audio drama creator. Which is why I'm so excited to talk about his new show, Jesse's Lockbox Anthology. You can find it on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. This show is... So anticipated. It is all Daisy and I have talked about for perhaps the last year, begging and pleading for Jesse to release it. And now.

It's finally out, and you should check it out. Again, that is Jesse's Lockbox Anthology, and you can find it on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. It is a fantastic anthology. Having a little insider knowledge, this story that you're about to hear is fantastic. So go check out the first episode now. And if you do, let just, you know, we say hi.

That's all I got for you this week, but we'll be back next week with more SCP. So up next, a quick ad break, and then this week's episode. Enjoy.

Mrs. Wheeler, I need your help. Hmm. Normally people knock before they burst into my office, Miss Jones. Oh, my... I'm so sorry. It's all right. I'm sure you have a good reason. So let's hear it. I'm not sure this is the right division for me. Something's wrong. I've discovered something, and now I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I can handle it. Tell me what's going on. I keep... I keep having these episodes. Things slow down. I feel cold or hot and...

Then I realized hours passed. Sometimes it's the opposite. I feel like I've been working for ages and I find that it's only been a few seconds. And then there's this thing that keeps nagging. Is that so? Your presence in this department... is a little unusual miss jones but that's why you're here we expected you to experience unusual side effects you're an unexplored territory at least as far as we know

And not just because you're the first agent I know of who transferred in from accounting. So these feelings I've been having, are they related to the medication? The nest sticks? That depends. Well, let's see here. You've been here six weeks. Are you enjoying your job? Actually, yeah, I am. I love handling financial records. I love databases. See, unlike people, numbers don't... Sorry, what was that? Numbers don't lie. Oh. Hmm. Numbers don't lie. Mm-hmm. Well.

The good news is that the episodes of dissociation are normal. When you're first adapting to Class W nesting, the feelings don't really go away. But... You get used to them, as you realize they're a symptom of experiencing things you never have before. That's a relief. I guess it's all just in my head, then. However...

It was explained that you would be required to carry a pen and notebook on you at all times. Have you? Yes. Yes, of course. What was the purpose of that notebook? If I believe I've been exposed to an antimemetic agent, I can quickly copy down my thoughts and observations before suffering information loss or corruption. That's right. It's an absolutely vital defense mechanism. Now, Miss Jones, this is important. When is the last time you saw that notebook? Have you put anything in it yet?

I don't think so. I'm sorry. I rushed in here without thinking about it. I think it's back at my desk. If that's the case, your experiences with missing and associated episodes might not be as simple as adjusting to nestix. I don't... Follow you. Miss Jones, I feel I should inform you that during this conversation, you have stopped mid-sentence to write something in your notebook several times. I have a feeling you might not have realized it. How could I? Like I said, my notebook's back at my...

Why is it in my hand? Eleanor, listen to me. I need you to set the notebook down and slowly open it. But don't look at it until I've checked that it's safe. Okay? Huh. Sorry. No need to be sorry. The fact that you're writing in the notebook means you have strong instincts. You're doing just fine. Ready? Ready. Go. Okay. Try and look now. Thought it would be empty.

Clearly it's not. I don't remember writing this, but it's definitely my handwriting. Yes, pristine, perfectionist, and easily recognizable. No, it's just the same phrase over and over. Then let's go find out. Hey, everyone. Pacific here with a quick ad break and a reminder. For just $5 a month, you can get early and ad-free access to all of our episodes on Patreon at patreon.com slash SCP underscore POD. There's also a link in our show notes below. Up next a quick message from our sponsors.

Hello, hello. I'm Malik. I'm Jamie. And this is World Gone Wrong, where we discuss the unprecedented times we're living through. Can your manager still schedule you for night shifts after that werewolf bit you? My ex-boyfriend was replaced by an alien body snatcher.

but I think I like him better now. Who is this dude showing up in everyone's old pictures? We are just your normal millennial roommates processing our feelings about a chaotic world in front of some microphones. Find world gone wrong in all the regular places you find podcasts. Thanks so much for listening. And now, back to the show. Okay.

Let's do some baseline questions, all right? What's your name? Eleanor Jones. What's your position, personal class, and clearance at the Foundation? Account Specialist, Anti-Memetics Division. Personnel Class C, Security Clearance 2, with elevated clearance for financial documents related to... Oh, you caught yourself that time. Now, focus. There's something there. What were you about to say? I have...

Elevated clearance for documents, financial documents related to department expenditures and... numbers are wrong. That's it. Find what's triggering it. Department expenditures and what. Department expenditures and what, Eleanor? Oh. Department... Department... expenditures.

And breathe. Focus. Okay. Tell me. You asked me to transfer to this department to see if there were any attempts by Foundation employees, departments, or potential insurgents to mismanage funds and cover their tracks with anti-membs. The foundation allets a certain amount of money for payroll based on the salary of foundation agents, so per your instructions, I have been auditing individual department budgets. But there's something here in the numbers. Something that makes my eyes just...

Passover. We're... We're... You've almost got it. The departments are paying on average 70% less for salaries than they should be. It's here, in these spreadsheets. But it's not that people are having pay cuts. It's something else. They... It's that they... There's something wrong with the people. With the names. They're... They're not names. They're... Oh my god, it's Mipsum. I...

Don't understand? Oh, look here. It's a cognitive defense mechanism that makes you not realize data is missing. In graphic design, placeholder text is called Lipsum. When it's anti-memetic, we call it Mipsum. Mimetic placeholder text. Glyphs that are so much like real text that your whole perception just passes over it. Except... Yours didn't. Wow. Over half the names. Maybe three out of four. What department is this?

This one's waste disposal. Let's see, I also have fire services, ops A, ops B, and... I don't understand. Anti-memetics has a staff of 8,000 people. Two-thirds of them can't just be... Chief. Hmm.

What is it? Look. I don't... I don't see what you're... Count. Count the number of people you can see from this doorway. Twenty-two. Again. Count again. Twenty-two. There are twenty-two people in the room. I don't understand what you're getting at, Mrs. Wheeler. These are the same people we work with every day. Again, focus. Count them out loud.

There are seven. There are only seven people in the room. All right. I think I know our next step. Okay. What is it? Do we need to talk to someone about this?

What do we do? Now, whatever it is we need to do, I'm pretty sure we've already done it. Box F. Box F. All right, Eleanor. The information you're about to receive is highly confidential and may distress you. But if it's any consolation, the access logs in here lead me to believe that you and I have discussed this before. Okay. This is a file for SCP-2000. It's alright. Apparently you already have the clearance to read it. You want some tea?

Yes, please. Earl Grey, if you've got it. Yeah, yeah, it cuts all kinds of tea. Oh, boy. Wait. To fulfill its primary mission, SCP-2000 includes... 500,000 bright Zardian hominid replicators. BZRHs. At peak capacity, SCP-2000 is capable of producing. 100,000 viable non-anomalous humans per day with a warm-up period of five days.

It is estimated that the world population, manufacturing capability, agricultural production, and culture can be reset to year 2000 common era levels 25 to 50 years after the procedure is implemented. This doesn't add up. No. The population of the world in 2000 was 6.2 billion people. At 100,000 people a day, for even 50 years, accounting for birth rates and death rates, you come up short. Far too short. About two and three short. A population loss of about 70%. Where are they?

The BZHR also has the ability to implant memories by administration of Class G hallucinogenics and developmental hypnotherapy. Class G hallucinogenics. I'm familiar with these. They're not in your standard amnestics and nestics guide. This isn't just a memory eraser. It's a memory replacer. It's made of anomalous material that makes it as permanent as possible. The memories bind to your brain and don't let go. They should have told me about this. So what does that mean?

It means that the last time the Lazarus Protocol was used, they only made about two billion people out of six. Everyone else is just implanted in our consciousness. On the streets, in restaurants, on the train, in your office. Two out of three just aren't real. They're in our heads. To make our planet feel a little less empty. But why? And in there? What's in that box? Asthma inhalers? And my brother had one of these. Wait a minute. Why are our names on these?

They're class GM nestics. Drugs strong enough to make you forget. Drugs strong enough to overpower nestics. Drugs strong enough to override a living being permanently. Well, not permanently. You managed to beat them, Eleanor. You and your numbers. I've... I've done this before, haven't I? I think we both have. And... I have to? I won't make you.

But I can't stop someone with more authority than me from giving it to you later. Against your will. Maybe that's what happened last time. No way to know.

But I also wouldn't judge you for choosing to live a different, a less unsettling, truth. It's not a truth. Numbers don't lie. Mrs. Wheeler, I need your help. This episode was possible thanks to our patrons. Joining us this week was Daniel Laughlin, Alex Peebles, Andrew Hancock, Tanner Swanson, Hot Potato, Time Lord, Jay Baird, Derps. Baggins Hung Lo. Haruma. The Sparky Tech. Megan McKinn. Winter Rainfall. Colin Wishmeyer. Tom Hansen.

Alex Chapman, Frederick the Reborn Rats, Gaber Nation, Anthony, Travis Fair, SCP-1054, Styx V, and K-Chin. Thanks so much for supporting the show, guys. We couldn't do what we do without you. SCP Archives was created by Pacific S. Obadiah and John Grills. Numbers Lie was written by Sam Spicehood. Sick Toast. And our script was by Kevin Whitlock. Eleanor Jones was Bailey Wolfe. Marion Wheeler was Katrina Messina. Our art was by Eduardo Valdez-Hebbia.

Our dialogue editing was by Daisy McNamara. Our theme song was by Matt Roy Berger, and our original music was by Newt Shabacom. Our sound designer was Chris Hairsby-G, and our showrunner is Daisy McNamara. I'm your creative director, Pacific S. Obadiah, and our executive producer is Tom Elton. This is a bloody FM show. For more information, visit scprchives.com.