But we are here now, us two Not too proud to say aloud I want just this and nothing more to do I'll make a bed with you and I'll rest my head on you We'll lose sleep in a better way Pretend that nothing matters but today Hey Pacific, how's it going? Hi, doing well. How are you doing? I'm good. Hey, so we're going to do this little chat for both your listeners and my listeners about our two shows before we like showcase some stuff.
So let's kick off. Let's do some introductions because I think like some people are going to know you and some are going to know me, but like not both. So Pacific, tell us about yourself. Who are you and what is the SCP? archives oh god i thought i was gonna be able to turn this on you and have you go first oh gosh okay you want me to go first let's jump right in yeah uh
Hey everyone, I'm Pacific. You probably know me from the introductions of SCP Archives. I'm also a podcast producer at Bloody Disgusting. I produce all of our in-house shows like...
Dead Space, Deep Cover, Mayfair Watchers Society, The Dead, and a bunch of other shows. But I've been in fiction podcasting for like almost a decade, which is crazy to say. And yeah, I... make a bunch of shows including scp archives um which maybe you're listening to this on that feed right now uh but for those of you who don't know scp um scp is this weird internet project it's been around since like the early aughts
where a bunch of people write really horrifying sci-fi fiction from time travel to monsters and so much more. And they upload it onto this wiki, which is free for anyone to like add to and contribute. and our podcast we take those episodes from that wiki we give them a full cast a bunch of sound design original music and we turn these uh really horrifying wonderful sci-fi stories into these like full cast productions
And it's a really fun time. Eleanor. Yes. What do you do? So I'm Eleanor Hyde from Audacious Machine Creative. And I am also a podcast producer. Pacific, I think you and I have been doing this.
roughly the same amount of time because i also i think that's right i'm coming up on 10 years um and i think you and i originally met when i was producing unwell a midwestern gothic mystery and we were both sort of floating around in the like horror space um but uh the show that we're going to talk about today is world gone wrong which is a fictional chat show about two best friends who started a podcast to talk about how fucked up the world was.
But this is fiction. So they're fucked up world has like werewolves and aliens. And we just did an episode about whether or not unicorns can be classified as an invasive species. We've got one coming up about a haunted TTRPG game. So all kinds of like weird supernatural stuff showing up in their world that then they are unpacking and talking about. So yeah.
That's my show. Real quick, can I just express something that I love about, like, World Gone Wrong so much? Oh my gosh, of course. World Gone Wrong came out just over a year ago, actually, last March, right? Yeah, yeah. And it is... I think in a way most media hasn't hit yet. The perfect pandemic piece.
um which depending on who you are listening to this thank you that might be either very exciting or like a big turnoff for you yeah let me explain why you should listen to this show anyways um at least in my experience joe i woke up Every day of the pandemic, I would like doom scroll through the news for like an hour to start my day. And then I'd like roll out of bed, sit at my desk.
do a little bit of work kind of poorly because i was like depressed and drained yep and then like because i felt like i wasn't getting anything done i would just like sit at my computer from like 9 a.m until like like seven eight sometimes nine p.m just like doing half a day's worth of work and then i would like go back to bed and i just had this like terrible cyclical loop and i just felt so
stuck um and like i have a house with roommates and like we talk about it and that was like some momentary relief um but otherwise it mostly just sucked yeah now the thing that i love about world gone wrong is you take a world that is so draining and so tiring and is just kind of like terrible as the new normal yeah and you have these two really wonderful characters
that are able to navigate it in a way with like i don't know good humor and good spirits and like it just it when i first listened to uh the first couple of episodes it just made me feel like one kind of like oh i can relate to this i know what this feeling is and two like it was such a relief to just kind of like laugh about all the terrible things that we just went through i mean honest to god we started working on this show and i would have described it as a
show about processing the trauma of living through the pandemic and sort of that that experience. I'm pretty sure the episode we're going to put on your your feed is the very first one, which is sort of set in this moment where it's like, this has just happened. And our two characters try to answer a question about what do you do if your Pekingese has been bit by a werewolf?
And it's hilarious, but it's also very much meant, it was very much written as a, trying to capture the experience of the pandemic started six days ago and- what do i do yeah just like there is no good information what do i do exactly and
Yes, that kind of losslessness, right? And I think I was very excited to work on a piece of creative work that was going to process all that stuff that I'm carrying around from that period of time. And then the further we've gotten in, the more... more it's like no this is just about now so you know like we had it we had an episode recently where like someone one of our writers i feel bad that i can't remember who wrote this joke but like someone wrote a line about um Uh...
everything's so crazy and now canned corn is illegal and I don't know why. And I was like, oh God, it's so funny and it so perfectly captures what it feels like to live through this Trump president. presidency you know it it feels like i'm rolling a dice and every day like i'm getting some crazy horrible like events of like
Oh, I didn't expect – I expected a terrible thing, but I didn't expect this specific terrible weirdness. But yeah, despite all that, I feel like – I worry that that sounds like a lot of doom and gloom. Well – This show is so – light and joyful and like it's become such a comfort show for me and i think i was thinking about the fact that like uh your show i would call horror and i wouldn't oh absolutely you know and i wouldn't call world gone wrong horror World Gone Wrong is a show of-
It has a lot of monsters in it, but it's not, and we have like one or two episodes that I would, I'm like, Ooh, this one's a little scary, but like, it's, it's not a horror show, but I do think there's this thing that.
about going to fiction and sometimes specifically going to horror to try and like metabolize the stuff that is happening to us that feels awful. That like... absolutely that like we all live through this world where we're like some of the awful things happen are like um i watched this shitty thing happen to somebody on the bus and some of the bad things are like
a war that i'm watching happen on the other side of the world but like all of that stuff you have to metabolize in your brain somehow and i think um It's one of the reasons I think people like horror storytelling, like horror as a storytelling medium and like monster stories is that it is this opportunity to sort of
work through those feelings of like god some of the stuff that happens in this world is awful and like our two shows are doing that in totally different ways like ours is a little more upbeat and like um optimistic in the way that it moves through this stuff but it's I think it's doing a similar thing like trying to reach for a similar thing they I think they're
two sides of the same cathartic coin right totally um where where i think your show does this wonderful thing that i think some of the best art does in that like it gives you kind of real applicable solutions for some of the things in the world if not maybe here's how i fix this you know at least here's what i can do about it or like here's how i can react to this in a healthy
productive way, you know, that isn't laying in bed, doom scrolling through Reddit for 12 hours every day. Whereas, you know, SCP, at least for me, Sometimes I get those days where everything sucks and I'm tired and I feel this bubbling rage deep inside of me. Yeah. And I think a lot of the catharsis comes out.
let's say explosively um but you know it it's the kind of catharsis of like no no like you have some power you can affect some world even if things are grim which they often are in the world of scp you know there are foundations that you can kind of rely on and there there's some way to fight back you know everything in the scp universe has a solution that solution is generally like crazy over the top government and military action but great you know what at the end of the day
The monsters are captured, they're contained, they're securely protected in a deep military bunker a thousand miles under the Earth's surface. And there is something kind of like... relieving about knowing that hey here's this horrible monster that has destroyed towns and you know caused chaos And here it is in a box where it can't hurt you anymore. We can kind of study it. We can take a step back. And to your point earlier, we can kind of abstract this horror of like...
the hopelessness and the, you know, feeling of like, again, being lost and, you know, say like, no, no, no, here's what you do. Here's the instruction mail. Here's how you keep this. monster in this box this problem has an actual solution yeah yeah exactly for as horrible and as terrifying and as big as they get sometimes here's here's a solution for you yeah for sure
For sure. Well, I think that gives a pretty broad encapsulation of both of our shows and kind of how they react to the horrors all around us. But there's a couple other things our shows have in common. I think most poignantly, both our shows have a very, I think, deep... queer connection to the broader queer community yeah tell me about world gone wrong how how is is queerness and like the the lgbtq community yeah represented in your show for sure um
Yeah, and I think we wanted to talk about this because we're going to be putting this out into the world during June, which is Pride here in the States. Topical time. Exactly. So I think both of us are like, yes, let's talk gay things. Yeah. So, you know, there's a way in which I feel like being a queer person, I'm like, yeah, pretty much everything I touch gets kind of queer, just like it rubs off. It's, yeah, I mean, it's part of, yeah, I don't know about.
uh your experience like growing up or maybe kind of when you found uh your queer connection but like growing up in denver we have a very like active queer community and we have had that for a very long time longer than a lot of places in the us yeah i grew up in boston similar yeah okay so you know like growing up there's always um at least for me there's a lot of like information about it and you know it was never like a huge secret people were
pretty open accepting and growing up i also knew a lot of queer people which i think kind of helps like you know really slowly like introduced me to a lot of these ideas and helped me kind of find like the language that i needed but yeah to your point like being a queer person and being a creator kind of everything i touch has like a bit of yeah some of my identity some of my thoughts and beliefs in it right
Yeah, for sure. I mean, there's like very simple ways in which World Gone Wrong is a very queer show in that like, our two characters are both queer people. And That's threaded through them and their responses to the world around them throughout. But I think the more interesting thing thread to pull on there is. This is largely a show about friendship and about the relationship between two best friends and how important and...
romantic even that relationship can be. And there's a way in which I think for me and for Jeffrey, my co-producer on this show and co-creator on this show. I think of that as a queer thing. It is not exclusively queer, but there is a way in which my experience in queer spaces has informed... The way I think about friendship and the value and sort of.
The way you can treat a friendship as being equally sacred to a romantic relationship if you choose to. And I think for me, living in queer spaces has given a lot of... Bandwidth for that to be a thing that we do together, like building queer community often looks like my friends. have an equal value in my life to my romantic partner or partners.
And this is a show that I think really, really showcases that without ever coming out and sort of like saying it. It is a show about two friends who are... placing that relationship really centrally in their life um in a way that frankly is like reflective of relationships in my real life and i was excited to um tell a story that felt like it really honored how special that can be no that that resonates you know definitely like growing up uh you know i
I feel like there's a lot of expectation of like, oh, you know, if you're in a relationship, that's where all of your focus, all of your time goes. And like, that's the most important person. And, you know, you can have that. You can have a partner that is. you know, the most important person in your world. But I think a lot of people forget that you can also still have a good social network and friends in your life and people that you care about, you know, just as much in a different way.
Which, yeah, I think in a lot of modern society is maybe lost or at least was lost when I was growing up. Yeah, totally. Well, and I think also like there's these ways in which. expansive queer conversations about stuff like asexuality or polyamory have really informed the way that I think about friendship in ways that has been like only positive.
right um sure and i think like that's i i really want to like honor the way in which like that's pretty queer and i think that's awesome yeah no i mean again you know it's it's pride month i think it's really important to to showcase like some of the
really good positive things that you know uh this community has brought into like our lives right yeah that's not just like i would like to be uh treated as a whole human being and marry the person i want to marry i also like expansively feel you know continue to feel more whole and that's awesome yeah and i you know i think going back to uh something you said earlier uh bringing this right back into horror yes um a lot of uh a lot of horror you know kind of
becomes a a vessel through which you can like identify grief and like process really difficult emotions um and as i i'm sure a lot of our viewers know you know uh the SCP community is very queer. And a lot of writers on the website are members of the LGBTQ community and have a lot of different identities. And that's something that... you know one is represented in our own team as well but also like in a lot of the stories that we choose to tell um there's been a couple that
you know a bit more like personally and localized you know less about a big scary monster but we've covered stories that are just about one person's kind of like personal journey of growth and how like they come to terms with
their identity, how they'd like to be presented. And, you know, they also base the, uh, they face the very like true kind of horrifying battle of like what it means to say that out loud. And, you know, maybe get pushback on that too because not everyone is always welcoming which i think leads us to the the other side of pride which is you know obviously pride started as a protest many years ago and has a very long um
history you know that has not always been peaceful and has not always been uh super happy and warming as it is now yeah for sure um but all that to say we have two very exciting shows uh which
React to the horrors of the world in very, very different ways. And I don't know, I'm super psyched to share them with... your audience like share my show with your audience and your show with mine um because i do think there's some great overlap here and i hope people will really enjoy what they get to hear yeah whether you've had a tough day at work and need to nuke a monster out of
orbit or you know you just kind of need to vent to a friend about werewolves ruining your city there's uh there's solutions here in uh in both of these shows We can help with both those problems. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think that's a pretty good introduction to our shows and perhaps maybe even a little bit of ourselves as creators. All right. Well, you can find SCP Archives on Spotify. Or on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Bye.
searching scp archives i'm sure it'll also be linked in eleanor's episode and you can find world gone wrong eleanor all the places you find podcasts yeah uh world gone wrong a show about friendship living through the apocalypse come check us out and if you do be sure to say hi either in the comments on spotify or you know maybe even in an apple review but thanks so much for tuning in and listening and uh hey Happy Pride. Happy Pride, Pacific. Happy Pride, Eleanor.
But I wish that we had longer I wish that I were stronger I wish a million things before we have to go Thing is, it's not that hard. Okay, but it's not straightforward either. The calendar isn't really. All you have to do is lie to a period track app one time and bam, there it is. Never caught by surprise again. Oh, hey. Right? It's called a cycle for a reason. Not like it stops. Yet. Oh, no. Yep. Although, scientifically, how would that even... How does anything happen these days?
Who are you recording? I am, are you? Hello and welcome to episode one of World Gone Wrong with Malik and Jamie. I'm Malik. And this? Jamie. I'm Jamie. So, like we said, this is World Gone Wrong. And we are here to discuss and explain our ever-changing reality in ways that inform and entertain you. You know, the listener, who will hopefully exist at some point.
Fingers crossed. My dad said he'd listen. Ooh, then hello and welcome to Jamie's dad. Hi, dad. Ooh, what if we narrowcast this? Did a whole episode just for your dad. Yeah, it'd be like IT jokes, gardening tips, recipes for squash. I don't know. know how to hand mend something. I need to know that. Listen, he's getting into it. Maybe next episode.
So we are here. Yes, I am your dashing Chicago correspondent. And Jamie is your equally dashing co-host broadcasting all the way from scenic small town Colorado. How is it out there, Jamie? It's hot. Have you seen the news about... Yeah. Are you guys okay? I mean, I assumed when you didn't answer the call, like, screaming, but... We are. Okay. Answering your first question? It's weird. Are you okay? How's Chicago? Fine. And weird.
So the show! I think we said we would look at the current moment, everything that's happening, and take it one catastrophe at a time. And today's episode, we were starting simple with werewolves. Werewolves! But before we get into... that. Some quick background, like who are these people in your ears right now? Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. We are two younger millennials, which is to say our world's been rushing down the drain basically since we've been aware of it.
When we first moved in together, we decided to throw a Halloween party. While we were choosing the music, we realized each of us had a playlist of upbeat tunes about the end of the world. And I think that outlook uniquely qualifies us to comment on everything happening now. Okay, two things. Never talk about that party again. And second.
Does that qualify us? Have you heard the boomers try to make sense of this? We are experts compared to them. What else? We met on Craigslist, which sounds like medium sketchy. Only if you say it like that. Yeah. We're roommates. Normally we're roommates. Temporarily estranged roommates. Once and future roommates. Roommates, but right now the room in question is half the U.S. Maybe a third.
There's a lot of West where I'm at. Yeah. Last month, Jamie decided to go stay with family for a while for, you know, the unpleasantness. Now, that is a euphemism. Okay, the great enfuckening, in which all was mercilessly enfuckened. I'll take it. And this show is our little project to keep from going stir crazy and also to stay in touch despite the many cruel miles of American geography that seeks to part us.
For the record, my idea was a group chat. Yeah, but this way I get to hear your dulcet tones and we get to share our thoughts with the world. The world of your dad. Plus, a group chat wouldn't be half as loud. We have a whole, we have a range of decibels to explore. We can whisper. We can shout. We can sing. Oh, that was good. Thank you. Was it A? Sure.
So what are we? What do we want to talk about? I actually have an advice question for us. This is episode one. Where did you get a question from? I may have scraped Reddit. For future episodes listeners, Jamie's dad, feel free to write in. We can anonymize you if something's embarrassing. We're here to help. Is that the name of the segment? Oh, yeah. Okay. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Our first ever segment. It's not hard to tell. The world is unwell. But we are here to help. Ding.
That was incredible. Did you write that ahead of time? Oh, gosh, not at all. That was me living in the moment. So this is from r slash dogs, which you'd think would be getting a lot more traffic since then. I think most of that is in new subreddits. R. Diagnose Me. That's a big one. R. Near Misses. R. Oh God, oh God, oh God, help. Do we think these people are opening Reddit mid-wolf attack? They really could be in shock. Who wouldn't be? Jamie, if you'd like to do the honors. Cool.
So, my five-year-old dog, Pepper, got bitten last week. We took him to the vet, and he's all patched up with minimal blood loss. A real rollercoaster of an opening there. I told the vet it was a coyote just to be safe, and I think she believed me. But he's a Pekingese, so my main worry is that when he changes, he'll try getting into fights with much bigger animals. He could really hurt himself. Any suggestions? Wow. Okay. That's a tough one, right?
I think we've all had to brush up on how to evade werewolves in the past couple of weeks, but I haven't heard anything on how to protect a werewolf, or dog wolf in this case. Last week I would have said, hey, are we sure that a non-human animal can even catch lycanthropy? So young. So innocent. But then Bloomfield Hills happened. Bloomfield? Which one was that? You didn't hear about this? It's all over the local news. Mm-mm. Oh.
So, Bloomfield Hills, very rich, suburb of Detroit. Some people out there have horses, not like cowboys, obviously. Equestrians. A horse got bitten? Yeah, it was bad. You don't always think about how big a horse is, how fast it can go. Then you're staring down a supercharged horse-wolf hybrid that wants your blood.
At first, the people there thought they were safe because it was like in a paddock. Oh, but obviously the horse wolf knocked it down. Like so much wet cardboard. Even without the otherworldly strength, I think like a normal wolf wolf could have gotten out. People just aren't prepared for that in the suburbs. What's been bitten in your side of the woods? We had a few bighorn sheep go wolf. They injured some hunters. Someone came back the next day and got them. Also...
There was this raccoon in our yard last week, last full moon. Uh-huh. At first, my dad thought the raccoon had rabies. It was so aggressive. I mean, it could have still been rabies. Are you going to tell me what this raccoon was doing or do I have to rely on my finely honed imagination? Dad said he saw it. It was definitely a raccoon. It had the tail. But he saw it take down a wounded bat.
Take down and then eat. So the upside is no matter what, we don't have to contend with werebats. Again, yet. Yet. It was moving faster than an animal should be able to move, so he didn't get a great line of sight, but he thought it had more of a snout than usual and longer legs, bigger teeth. Ooh, your dad didn't get bit, did he? Oh, he stayed in the house. We both did.
Even if it was just rabies, there's no way we're tangling with that. You know I would have led with that if my dad had mysterious bite marks right now. Yeah. When I say fine, I mean fine. Okay, nobody on the planet is actually doing fine. You know what I mean. We grate on a curve. I know. You have to trust me that things are, I don't know, adequate. In that case, if nobody but the bat was hurt...
Not to get pedantic. Yeah. Werebat. The thought is that were actually means man. A Batman. Oh, wait. A Batman would actually be a big help right now. That depends on which run you're... You know what? Okay. We're not going to get into that now. Yeah. Steaks are high. Oops. Steaks. Wait. Steaks are vampires. That's not a pun. Big relief. Okay. So saving the life of Pepper the Pekingese. Well, the good thing is they've got time.
They've got... At the time of recording, we had a full moon a week ago. Assuming this was posted today, they've got about three weeks. Like I said, unlike werewolves themselves or pod people or... anything else in that vein, the moon cycle doesn't sneak up on you. Three weeks to do what? Get your dog fitted for an extra strength muzzle. Maybe that sounds harsh, but it beats the alternatives. So I have a creeping suspicion you don't know what a Pekingese is.
Well, they're small, right? I'm not saying it'd be easy to find one that fits. It's just, you know. Jamie, my sweet Jamie. What I need you to do right now is pause the show and Google image search one of these suckers. Okay, hang on. I... Oh. Oh. Yep. That is one flat, tiny little baby face. And yeah, he'll have a snout once he changes, but I don't know how you'd find anything that would stay comfortable before and after. Plus, do we even know if...
Okay, so a dog can get the bite and transform, but does that bite still... Does that still spread it? I don't know, but that is like, do not take that gamble. Because like, I'm not saying I'm not worried about this Pekingese attempting to start something with a bigger werewolf. Or even just an actual coyote. Or like a large cat. I mean, these guys really are the size of a lunchbox. But my thing is, if a tiny...
dog wolf bites your ankle and that's enough to spread it, that feels maybe even more dangerous than a really big, even the horse wolf. Like a fanged, muscled horse charging at you with murder in its eyes, you clear the area. But people don't see a Pekingese and think, run. It's like how more people die each year from falling flat screen TVs than shark attacks. Really? Yeah, I forget the actual number, but I think it's around twice as many.
We know to fear sharks. We think about those pointy, toothy killing machines and we go, maybe a pool instead. But there's no primal part of your brain whispering, hey, that TV is heavier than it looks.
Okay, in defense of TVs, sharks are also not that dangerous. You know, in the time since you left, somehow I forgot you're a self-appointed shark lawyer. I'm... just saying objection your honor i'm just saying sharks have tiny prehistoric brains and they approach the world teeth first because that's how they are made even if a shark tries to bite you and it's frankly is not a given that they will try to bite you you can generally get out of it by
thwapping them on the nose. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that if a wild shark sunk its many gigantic teeth into your one fragile human body, you, Jamie, would be able to thwop? You are so shark week-pilled. If I'm a shark lawyer, you're a shark prosecutor. Oh, shark law, court of sharks. I would watch that show. Take a bite out of crime. Wait, that's McGruff, the crime dog.
That's a separate issue. Okay, wait, sorry. Remember when we tried to explain about the whole cartoon trench coat snitch dog thing to Aditi? So speaking of dogs, speaking of this poor, terrified pet owner. Right, right. There are two main problems. A, Pepper gets hurt. B, Pepper spreads lycanthropy either to other animals or to humans in his circle. All of which is to say, I think step one is to just accept.
That once a month, you have an indoor dog. Wait, so to protect the neighborhood animals, we're locking the dog wolf in with a bunch of people? I don't want to be chased by a squirrel wolf or a deer wolf any more than you do, but like people, Jamie? First of all, if we want to minimize the spread, a bitten person knows how to take precautions and a bitten...
Anything else does not. So the dog owner surrenders to a lifetime of werewolfism. There's a joke here about people looking like their pets, but I won't go there. Second of all... A Pekingese looks like it's about as big as a very large loaf of bread. All you have to do is lock it in whatever room you care about the least. No amount of wolf is going to change the fact that it can't reach the doorknob. What if the questioner lives in a studio? Nobody with P...
Pekingese money lacks multiple door money. Doesn't mean they're spending it that way. Also, the dog could be a gift or from when they had more money. People come down in the world sometimes. Touche. And even if you have a two bedroom, that's still basically destroying a huge chunk of your living space like 12 times a year. Everything at Pekingese height only. And you take your valuables out before.
I hear you, but the floor. Yeah. You are never, ever getting your deposit back. Do you usually get your deposit back? Point. Landlords. Ugh. Go figure, the one thing in the world that doesn't change. You know what else, though? What? We are assuming this little guy can't jump. Probably not high with those tiny little legs. Every inch he can gain increases the zone of destruction. There are drawbacks. I think the solution is clear you do
You drug the dog. Okay. You what? I mean, according to what I've heard, that's already what the rich are doing when they get bitten. Knock themselves out, wake up the next morning a little groggy. So you go back to the vet, talk your way into some supplies, and then every four weeks... You have a tiny, snoring little dog wolf by the side of your bed. Safe and adorable. Talk your way into the vet giving you animal tranquilizers. Yeah. Okay, Malik.
What does that sound like? It sounds very charming because the safety of you and anyone you live with is on the line. Flirt with the veterinarian. That's your plan? Do you also sweet talk them into describing the correct dosage for your dog? Maybe it's more of a bribe. So we're relying on the vet being corrupt. Hey, you've lived in Chicago for years. You know how it is. The fix is in.
And if you get the one honest vet in town, keep in mind, what it's actually going to sound like is not, oh, I'm protecting my living situation from the world's tiniest shapeshifter. It's going to sound like you want to get high. High enough to knock out a Pekingese. A small dog. Hi, baby. Okay, wait. Compromise. We marry your plan with my plan. How? I'm not saying it's a loving marriage. It's more of a marriage of convenience. Malik.
What are the compromises? I'll explain after this commercial break. Wait, wait. We have commercials? Okay, on episode one of this show? How is this even possible? Allow me to explain during our commercial break. Ha ha! you Hello again, and we're back with my brilliant solution. Jamie's plan merged with mine. Okay, so you go to the vet, you don't try to seduce them, and you don't try to slip them a crisp 20.
You were only going to bribe them with $20? For what? A dog's lifetime worth of tranquilizer? I would leave room to bargain. If you start out high, they don't respect you. And you crave the respect of a vet craving enough to sell. No, I crave the savings. Life is so expensive. Okay, right. Keep in mind, you've got to be able to afford to feed a pint-sized wolf once a month. I really doubt he's going to settle for kibble.
Also the therapy bills for you and everyone you live with. Also that. So, okay, the compromise. You go back to the vet. who may be a wonderful person. I don't know why we keep smearing this imaginary stranger's name. You say, hey, I'm sorry, but my dog won't stop trying to bite at the spot you patched up. Oh. Yeah, you get a shame cone. You, and this is very key, you put the cone on the dog before he transforms. And then you lock him in. Oh, see, this part is...
It's still a problem because not everyone has multiple rooms. But you get where I'm going. You gain a layer of extra protection and your dog won't be able to chew through a door. That would be a lot of chewing. Hmm. How much door could a wolf dog chaw if a wolf dog could chaw door? I guess even if it can't get through, it could gradually weaken the door. So not tonight, but six transformations from now. That's right. A were dog is a pet for life. Don't get one now because it's trendy.
folks. You're making a commitment to a whole lifestyle. Until scientists figure out how to reverse lycanthropy. You think there's gonna be a cure? You don't? How could you undo changing into a different animal every month? Just because I can't describe it doesn't mean it's impossible. I haven't read enough about quantum physics to truly understand it, but we still have all these particles. There's faith in science, and then there's science zealotry.
Look, yeah, we don't really know. We don't know if there's a way to undo this, but given that we don't know, let's say it's a coin flip on a coin we can't see. An invisible coin. All right, what? What do we gain by acting like we're all doomed forever? Even if that's the answer, why live in that space right now when we don't have to? It'll save you the disappointment later. Is it worth living in fear?
Shit. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I mean, I solved the door problem. You have? You put a cone on the dog and then lock him in the bathroom. Even a studio generally has a bathroom door. He's less likely to claw up a tile floor and what's he going to do in there? Bite your toilet? Plus, when he feels the lupine need to mark the territory, that's a way easier mess to clean. I swear, I am not trying to pull coals in this.
But... Do your bathroom doors lock from the outside? You barricade the door. Barricade. It worked in Les Mis. It did not work in Les Mis. That's like a huge part of Les Mis. Wait, Jamie. Remember, the door doesn't need to lock. Neither dogs nor wolves have hands. Oh, we forgot about paws. Okay, not our brightest memory. In our defense, we're not working in our areas of expertise.
Next advice column, I'll find someone whose problem involves werewolves and cooking. The Dewey Decimal System versus the Library of Congress. Women's hockey and the drama surrounding women's hockey. It's not my fault they keep marrying players from rival teams. Or we can do one for me, like...
Help! I'm running from this wolf bear monster and I also really need someone to analyze the themes in this stanza. Okay, show off. Writing, teaching, studying, and performing your poetry Swiss army knife. A jack of several trades. Okay, so... Back to it. We shame cone Pepper, put him in the bathroom, and shut the door until it clicks. Did we just solve it? There's only one problem.
One? Okay, good. That's just one problem. I think my sister said that dogs don't really like having those cones on. You know, it doesn't get to be called of shame if the wearer actually has a good time. The dog might not like it, but if vets do it, then it can't actually be harmful. And I don't think any of us would like becoming a werewolf. You're on Team Cone now? Team Cone and Team Door.
You just, you post a sign over the knob so you don't forget. Not to crack open the door behind which a furious loaf-sized wolf is going on a rampage. You don't even need a sign. Bye. What? What if you have to use the bathroom at, you know, any point during the night? You visit the all-night diner across the street, buy a cup of coffee. Do you know any 24-hour places that are still open every night of the moon cycle these days? And what if they live in the...
suburbs, or the middle of nowhere. Yeah, right. Or any other place where you don't want to be out at night. Yeah, that's not ideal. I guess you could have a designated bedpan. Ugh, gross. That's your line in the sand? I think it is. You know what else we're forgetting? A dog isn't a person. You can kennel a dog.
Kennels! Just put the dog in its cage for a night. You don't even have to trank him or cone him. Although... What? How strong is your average dog cage and how strong is your average dog wolf? Are we talking about a dog wolf or are we talking about a fuzzy basketball with legs? I think we have to assume that even a normally defenseless animal can do a lot of damage if you give it preternatural strength and angry wolf thoughts.
That's why regular werewolves are dangerous in the first place, isn't it? Did you see that video from Maine of that guy? Of course. I do think it was probably staged. Based on what? Oh, first of all, I don't, like...
I do not think of TikTok as the home of serious journalism. It's the algorithm mathematically guessing what you're likely to stare at. And second, real special effects people have put out videos explaining how you can fake those visuals. I hope you're right because the way he rips it.
in two. It could be a deep fake. It could be a clip from some obscure movie. I think we both would have said the same thing about werewolves a few months ago. And look where we are now. Look where we are, literally. Look at the rest of it. Like, all the... What did I say before? The great befuckening. These are exactly the scenarios where misinformation spreads the fastest. Everyone's scared and some people think they stand to gain from that.
It's part of the human condition, unfortunately. The look on his face, though. That's why I think it's a movie. From what I've read, the lighting makes no sense for the time of day. Besides, who would film something like that and have the presence of mind to zoom in on his expression? You'd think a bystander would be way more worried about the claws and the, I don't know, collateral damage. You think? Also, the sound quality is suspiciously good. No wind. No ambient noise. Yeah.
It would be irresponsible of us to spread hysteria. Plus, we still owe the questioner a response. They're just some Redditor. They're not going to hear this. They might. I guess. Then I guess we need an answer. Thank you. For what? For providing this segue. Okay, so you do everything.
First, and I cannot believe we didn't mention this yet, you protect everyone else who lives there. You invest in some steel-toed boots and leg armor. Leg armor. Jamie, if you think there isn't already, as we speak, a place on the internet where you can buy chainmail socks, then you and I are on very different internets.
Chainmail socks? Chainmail pants? Tell me you haven't seen some Ren Faire entrepreneur out there. Okay, hold on. The Ren Faire scene and the TTRPG scene are different. Have you seriously never played D&D? I made a half a character sheet five years ago. It was like doing taxes, but with elf magic, which somehow made it less fun. There are all kinds of tools on the internet now. That whole scene really feels like, to me...
No offense. Nerds out of college finding a way to keep getting homework. Says the guy studying for a living. Whoa. It is not for a living if you don't make any money doing it. In fact, it's the opposite of doing something for a living. I am waiting tables and tending bars so I'll have the money to spend on a PhD. No sorcery to speak of, unless you count the power of words and a cold brew coffee. Naturally. Potion of shake a lot and then poop weird.
Plus one to intelligence, minus one to constitution. Minus one? Have you had coffee before? What were we talking about? Leg armor. Okay, yeah, probably that exists. And if it didn't before, it could now, given the massive increase of bite injuries. Right, and you get, I don't know, welder's gloves in case you need to use your hands. And then you cone and kennel your dog, specifically in the bathroom, door firmly shut.
you wait and you hope. And in the meantime, yeah, it's very gross, but you pee into a makeshift bedpan if you need to. Every month. For one night every month. Because this is Pepper, your dog, who you love. It's Pepper. And if that's what it takes to keep him in your life, you do it. One night at a time. And you, I can't stress this enough, you label your pee pan so clearly.
So since I'm the only one of us that has a Reddit account, am I going to have to type all this out? Maybe just link them to this episode. They don't have any responses yet. They might appreciate it. Even the amount of... verbal slapstick that it took us to go here. It could make them feel like someone's at least along for the ride. I feel like that's the main thing we can do right now.
It's part of what makes this slog worth it. The way we can all reach to each other and, even in the smallest ways, remind each other that for every stupid, sad, weird, ridiculous thing that happens to us, someone out there is dealing with some other situation just as befuckened. You're saying no one is alone? Everyone's alone. It's one of the many things that we have in common. I think that's as good as any place to leave off. Yeah! This is Malik!
Oh, and hi, Jamie. Signing out. We know things are getting weirder every day, but we hope you're doing okay. And we wish you all a better tomorrow. Jamie and Malik are played by Hilary Williams and Michael Turrentine. This episode was written by Jessica Best. Directed and edited by Jeffrey Mills Gardner. Our show art is by Carly Fairbanks. And our bangin' theme song is Falling in Love at the End of the World by Olivia and the Lovers.
World Gone Wrong is produced and created by Jeffrey Nils Gardner and Eleanor Hyde. This is a production of Audacious Machine Creative.