You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin'. If you're stuck in a relationship quandary Or if you're looking for sexual harmony Hey, everybody. As you can probably tell from the sound of my voice, I am sick. Here's what happened. I took a bus to a train to an airport and then got on an airplane and flew to another airport where I got on yet another airplane and flew to yet another airport.
where I got on a train to a bus that got me home, and somewhere along that line, that long line, somewhere on one of those planes or trains or buses or in one of those airports, or train stations, I managed to contract the new COVID variant that's going around. So to the small number of people out there I saw in those airports and on those planes and in those...
trains and on those train stations wearing masks, you were right to be wearing masks. And the rest of us, myself included, who were not wearing masks, we were wrong. We luckily recorded most of this show before I got sick, which means you're not going to have to listen to me sounding like Bobby Kennedy for the next hour and change after we get through the intro. This is our first show.
In Pride Month 2025, and it feels like in addition to everything the Trumpists have managed to destroy, they've also managed to do something some of us thought was impossible. They have managed to... Decringe Pride. It feels like this Pride Month is an important one. This is going to be a great and necessary Pride Month. We're going to need people out there.
in the streets. It feels like we're going to have some great pride parties and great pride protests, some great pride parades and great pride marches. And I am here for it. So much so that I'm coming out with some pride merch, which is not a thing we've ever done before around here. But this year we're making an exception because someone here at Savage Love.
Inc., someone at headquarters, asked me what I would want to see on a Pride t-shirt this year. And I said the first thing that popped into my head, fuck this shit. That's what I think. The pride slogan should be this year gesturing broadly at everything going on. Fuck this shit. Fuck them. Fuck throwing trans people out of the military. Fuck what they're doing to the Kennedy Center.
Fuck what they're doing at the NIH and CDC. Just fuck them. Fuck this shit. Fuck all of this shit. Fuck what they're doing to queer immigrants. Fuck what they're doing to not queer immigrants. Fuck. This shit. That's what I wanted to see on a pride t shirt. And you know what? You can see it on a pride t shirt right now. You can get your fuck this shit pride 2025 t shirt.
at savage.love slash shop. Perfect shirt for Pride 2025, which is going to be a protest and a party. And also perfect shirt for maybe having brunch with your ex or just... Standing in line for your iced coffee, wanting to let everybody else in line know how you feel about everything that's going down right now. And how do you feel? If you feel like I feel, you feel like... Yeah, fuck this shit. SavageLove.shop. Get your fuck this shit t-shirts while they're hot and while this.
Shit requires fucking. I had some more thoughts I wanted to share about pride. Something complicated, a little constructive, inter-community criticism. But you know what? I'm going to save it. for later, maybe later in the month, maybe after Pride Month is over, maybe an after action report for Pride. Gonna save it. Right now, gonna spare you the sound of my...
voice in this condition and just get right to what's coming up on today's show. What's coming up on today's show? Tons of your cues, cues like... A woman in an open relationship had a messy breakup with one of her partners, but her monogamous pals aren't showing her any sympathy. What can she do? What does she have a right to expect from her monogamous pals? Also, we hear from a straight man who...
likes giving blowjobs who wonders if that somehow disqualifies him from identifying as a straight man. And we hear from a woman, a sub in a DS relationship who's Dom. whose male Dom has asked her to peg him. Is that possible? Can a sub peg a Dom? All that and more, more of your questions on today's show. Also on today's show. Our guest, Jeremy Alder. Jeremy Alder is a comedian who took a long and winding journey.
to the stand-up stage. He was raised a fundamentalist Christian. He was homeschooled, married off young, became a pastor, and at some point came to his senses and left that life behind to become. a comedian, and a good one, and a pro-queered one. May seem like an odd guest for the first week of Pride Month, but when you hear what Jeremy has to say, you will agree that he is a good guest.
for the start of Pride Month. Listening to Jeremy will give you hope for, yes, even the Pride counter protesters that you're likely to confront if you go to Pride. Jeremy Alder and I, we talk about the disaster. of homeschooling, buying guns for loved ones, and having a slutty phase after leaving the church. Yes, Jeremy had.
One of those. If you're a micro listener, you'll get part of my conversation with Jeremy Alder on the micro. To hear the entire thing, you're going to have to become a magnum sub now at savage.love slash subscribe. And oh, speaking of subscriptions, becoming a Magnum sub, we are making a deal for everyone for the month of June. We are offering Magnum subscriptions at half price. You can get yourself.
A subscription, you can become my sub now or treat a friend who's curious about the show to a subscription. Make a friend my sub or torment an enemy with a subscription at... savage.love just go to savage.love slash subscribe Half off, just $25 for a year's subscription. It gets you all of the Savage Love cast, all of Savage Love, invites to Savage Love Live, struggle session, and more. And hey.
For the record, and again, and I mean this from the heart, we appreciate all of our listeners, magnum subs and micro listeners alike. Thank you for being here. Despite me being sick as a... dog and really regretting not masking up on all those airplanes and buses and trains. I'm glad you're here and I hope you enjoy the show. Nancy, let's get to that first question.
This episode is sponsored by HIMSS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at HIMSS.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Foria. Foria, makers of Awaken Arousal Oil, Intimacy Melts, and Sex Oil. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com slash savage and using code savage at checkout. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com slash savage and get on your way to being your best self.
Hi, Dan. I'm a married woman in my mid-30s in the U.S. in a polyamorous marriage. I'm calling with a question about how much I should reveal to one of my partners about my relationship status. So starting summer of 22 up until last July, I had a boyfriend who lived in the same city as me. We had slash have a really wonderful close relationship. And then he moved away to another state for grad school last summer. Since he left, we keep in close touch.
visited twice. I've done lots of dating, trying to find another boyfriend and he has dated minimally. Right now he's really focused on school and he's talked about how he hasn't been feeling in the best emotional state to date.
In two weeks, I'm going to visit him for close to a month. And as of a few weeks ago, I met someone new and it's going really well with the new guy. From the beginning, I was transparent about my plans to visit my former boyfriend and he's totally down to keep seeing me when I get back. So now I'm wondering how much about the new guy to reveal to my old boyfriend.
I like to be open and honest, and when sustaining multiple relationships, it feels like a best practice. However, I don't want to unnecessarily give my old partner negative or uneasy feelings about a new relationship. that may ultimately peter out and not amount to anything significant. I'm confident that this information wouldn't change his desire for me to visit. I feel like it just might throw off our vibe.
My concern is if I'm not open and honest now, then later down the road, I'm going to be asked why I didn't bring it up sooner. So what do you think, Dan? And if you do think I should tell him, do I do it over the phone before I go or in person when I'm there? Open and honest is good. Honesty is the best policy. But sometimes sparing is caring. And I think this is one of those times. You are... allowed to see other people, pursue other potential new partners.
That's understood. That's explicitly allowed. He's allowed to do the same. You know he's not doing the same right now because he doesn't have the bandwidth. Emotionally, he's off at grad school. Maybe the workload is crushing and he just doesn't have. the time or the space to pursue other partners. So it's really great that you're going to see him for a whole month so that he can have some romantic and sexual attention that otherwise at the moment.
He's in his life. He's not going to get elsewhere. That's good of you. Do you need to tell him that you just met somebody else? No, no, because you're allowed. somebody else's. And he's allowed somebody else just because he's not exercising his option at this moment to go find somebody else doesn't mean that you've lied or taken advantage or leveraged.
reasonable assumptions he might make about you against him to get what you want. You're allowed to pursue other partners and that's what you're doing. And you're caring. You care about him. You're sensitive to... where he's at right now. And you might not want to burden him with the mental image that you're in the NRE stages with a potential new guy that you're excited about.
That does seem, though, like something. You're asking whether you should disclose that in advance of going to see your boyfriend. He's still a boyfriend of yours.
for a month and i don't think you need to disclose that in advance i think you should go you should hang out at some point in the natural course of conversational events when you get together with long distance partners that you have open non-exclusive relationships with, at some point during the visit, who you're seeing, what you're doing, whether you're seeing anybody, whether he's seeing anybody, will probably come up.
And you can say to him when it comes up, do you want to know whether I've been dating anybody else? And he can opt in to knowing or not knowing at that moment. But right now. Yeah, right now you don't need to get out in front of this because you already have permission to do what you're doing right now. And he has the same permission.
from you he's told you he's not seeing anybody else that may or may not be true since he last told you he wasn't seeing anybody else and wasn't interested in pursuing anybody else he might have met somebody else and stumbled into something with somebody else that he's going to tell you about when you get there too. But yeah, for now, nothing here to disclose. Nothing here that hasn't, in a sense, already been pre-disclosed or pre-allowed.
And you're right. Things with the new guy, things with Mr. Amazing It's Been a Month guy could run their course before you see your old and still current boyfriend. So why get out in front of it when... It might not even be a thing you need to disclose because this might not still be a relationship with the new guy a month from now, a week from now, a day from now. Hey, Dan.
33-year-old male here. I consider myself straight, but I have questions about that. You know, I do enjoy giving oral to men from time to time, but I just have no attraction to men in general. It's almost like I'm only attracted to their... They're appendages. And so does that make me by definition bisexual? Because it just doesn't feel right to say that because I do feel straight with an oral kink, I guess I would say. Another question here is that...
I'm married, and I have been married for some time, and it's been monogamous up until this point. I have shared my desires with her, and she's open to that, so she's allowing me to explore that on my own. And my question is, how can we do that safely? You know, we're concerned certainly about health concerns and then people trying to hurt us or me. And then in addition to that, how do I keep things anonymous?
How do I keep from my family and friends knowing what's happening in my home? And then how do I tell other men that I like to do this without telling them? how I flirt with men in a way that lets them know that I'm interested in this. All right. So you like to suck dicks. You're a guy who likes to suck dicks. That's not a straight guy.
You're not straight. Are you bi? Are you pan? Well, depends on the definition of bisexual that you're referencing. I always go back to Robin Oak's definition of bisexuality. I call myself bisexual. Robin Oaks writes, because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted romantically and or, that or is very important, sexually to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same.
degree seems to me that definition of bisexual you qualify the old definition of bisexual or what people used to use bisexual to mean or were understood to mean when they used bisexual, was equally attracted to people of both sexes, sexually and romantically, could fall in love with anybody regardless of their sex.
And that ain't true for you. And that ain't true for lots of other bisexuals out there. That's why today we talk about people who are bisexual, but heteroromantic or bisexual and biromantic or bisexual. and homoromantic, and those guys are out there. You're not one of those guys, but you're a guy who likes to suck dick. You're allowed to identify as a straight guy. When it comes to sexual identity, there's always a little bit of rounding up because...
A lot of us may be primarily attracted to people of one sex or one gender, and there may be a little squish around the edges. There may be that occasional exception out there for some guys who are... almost exclusively attracted to women or cis women every once in a while. There's just a really pretty boy who pings on their sex dar. Dick pings on your sex dar. You are into dick.
You could call yourself a heterosexual phallophile, I guess, if you want it to be exhausting. But you can just call yourself bi in a very limited way. You're attracted to men or men's appendagi. but not attracted to men emotionally, not attracted to anything else about men, but you're into that. And I think that makes you kind of buy.
As to your real question, like how do you get dicks in your mouth without opening your mouth and asking some dude to put his dick in your mouth? I mean, there's the internet for that. Ever heard of Craigslist? That was where it's straight. identified guys who are into guys or into dick or just wanted to suck a dick or get a free blowjob used to go. Now there's Grindr and Sniffies and Scruff. You can find other guys out there.
who are looking to be serviced. No reciprocal, they call it. There are other guys out there who you're the lid for their pot. They're looking for you. But yeah, it's not your friends and neighbors and coworkers. It's not random UPS delivery drivers standing on your porch that there's some cologne you can wear or some secret handshake you can deploy that puts it across to them that if they wanted a blowjob...
They could empty their sack in your mouth. No, no, no, no, no. That's not how sucking dick in adulthood works. Occasionally that's how it works in high school or worked in high school and everybody was closeted in high school and there would be like... erotic tension and somebody would go for it. I do not recommend that. I live that. It's not fun. But there's risk. There's risk. Risk of sexually transmitted infections, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia.
can be transmitted orally, also the skin-to-skin sexually transmitted infection, HPV, herpes, there is some risk here. However, sucking dick, very low risk. no risk practically for HIV infections. If all you're going to do is suck a dick, you don't need to get on PrEP, but you're going to have to take some risks. Go suck some dicks, get tested regularly, get on the apps.
And if you're nervous about other people taking screenshots, yeah, that is also something that could possibly happen. And so... If worst case scenario, anybody in your life, your family, your coworkers, your friends, finding out that you sucked a dick every once in a while would destroy you, destroy your marriage, destroy your life, then that may be an unacceptable risk.
But the world is full of people who are online looking for sex, looking for blowjobs, looking to give blowjobs. And the world is not full of people constantly outing randos.
and strangers who might be looking for blowjobs or to give blowjobs on the internet. If the world were full of people who were doing that, we would hear about it basically every day. Front page of the New York Times every day would just be a list of the people whose... got caught out there looking for dick over the weekend and that's not the front page of the new york times on monday so unless you're famous unless
There's some reason to out you. You're a towering right-wing political hypocrite. You're an anti-gay politician who wants to suck a dick. Nobody's going to go to the time or effort to out you. So, you're bi for dick.
You can identify as straight and then you can tell somebody whose dick you want to suck when you begin to have that conversation that you're not as straight as you let people assume you are and that you're complicated and you like sucking dick. You're one of those guys who likes to suck dick. But you're not going to, dick isn't magically going to appear next to your molars. You're going to have to ask for it.
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early 30s cisgendered female here based in California. My partner, who's a cisgender male, also early 30s, is... Gotten kind of into butt stuff, which is really exciting for me. I identify as a switch. He's my dom and I adore him. But I'm afraid that when we start doing butt stuff. And he's a recipient that I'm going to start shifting into my dom headspace. That's like where I've explored that most with male partners in previous relationships and dynamics.
I think the quandary that we have is how does one do butt stuff with their male dominant partner without it feeling submissive for them or possibly triggering the more dominant side for me? Subtops are a thing in gay land. Some people identify as subtops. Of course, the kind of mental image of somebody who's topping someone is they're taking their pleasure. They're fucking the bottom.
The bottom is in the passive position and the top is in the aggressive position, the active position, and the bottom is just the cum dump and the recipient. But a subtop is fucking the bottom for the bottoms. pleasure, right? So you can be the subtop in a pegging scene where your dom wants his ass fucked.
And it's not about your pleasure and the fact that you don't have nerve endings and the dildo that you're fucking your dom with is going to, I think, emphasize that a little probably more clearly or starkly than... it not being about the top's pleasure would be if there were bio dicks involved you're gonna fuck your dom in his ass on his orders because it's what he wants for his pleasure and he's gonna
get off. He's going to stroke himself. He's going to come. He's going to stay hard. And you're going to keep fucking him until he tells you, you have to stop. And his pleasure is centered. That's what subtops with Dom bottoms or power bottoms.
do their dicks are just dildos their dicks are tools that are being used by the bottom to please the bottom and pleasure the bottom there's no reason why you can't take all of that sub top dom bottom energy and just transfer it or embrace it in your existing ds dynamic with this guy just because you're doing the fucking doesn't mean it's about
you or that you're in control or you're in charge somebody can be tied spread eagle to the bed and somebody can ride that guy's dick is that guy the dom in a scene like that no You could be tied to the bed wearing the strap-on dildo and your dom partner can ride your dick to his ass's content. You're obviously not the dom in that situation. So.
Not too hard to understand. And as a woman, you should be able to wrap your head around this. I hope there are times when getting fucked, having PIV, is about your pleasure. And you taking pleasure with the tool that is that man's dick from him. But your pleasure, even as you're being fucked, has been in past experiences centered. I hope you've experienced that.
You're going to give that experience to your dom when you peg him on his orders. And you will still be in that moment when you're following his orders, his sub. Are you fortunate enough to be sleeping with a lady? Treat her like the queen she is and treat her to some Foria products. Sex oil. It's fun to say. It's even more fun. to use awaken arousal oil is like a juicy warm-up that helps you get really turned on increasing your pleasure
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or use code savage at checkout. That's F-O-R-I-A wellness.com. slash savage for 20% off your first order. I recommend trying their new massage oil combined with their awaken arousal oil. You can and will thank me later. Hi Dan, I'm a 38 year old straight woman and I'm recently divorced. I just got out of a 15 year marriage. I was raised an evangelical Christian and got married very young and grew up with some really restrictive views on sexuality and relationships.
over time started walking away from that worldview and my husband did not. So we parted ways amicably. And since then I've been really kind of exploring my sexuality, exploring different types of relationships and feeling. like some bodily autonomy for the first time in my life, which has been great. I've found myself in this really great, like
kind of casual friends with benefits situation with a man 10 years younger than me. So he's 28 years old. Our friendship is very intimate and special and we have great sex and we've talked about it. We've... had the define the relationship conversation and agreed that neither of us is in a place in our life where we want or need a really serious relationship. And so we've agreed that it's not exclusive and we're just going to continue to be.
casual friends with benefits. But recently he sent kind of saw some evidence that I had slept with someone else and admitted that he was jealous. And said, I know that we've agreed that this is an exclusive, but just so you know, I'm not seeing anyone else right now. And I lied to him and said, Me neither. I have like a two part question. What do I do with the fact that I lied? I don't like that I lied to him because I really care about him. But I, you know, I don't know that.
going back and correcting myself makes a lot of sense. Like that seems like it would kind of cause some like unnecessary damage. But I don't know, maybe that's the right thing to do. I don't know if I just accept that I... did the wrong thing and just, you know, try to do better next time? Or do we need to have another like define the relationship type conversation? So what do I do with that? The other part of my question is, are we being stupid? Are we like,
I don't know, getting too emotionally involved and maybe falling for each other. Because the truth is like... I would feel jealous thinking about him with someone else too. And I feel like we care very deeply for each other and the relationship is very intimate. And I'm afraid of... you know, us getting our feelings all tangled up together and getting hurt. I don't know. Do we like put the brakes on? Do we...
end this relationship before we get too emotionally involved and get our feelings hurt? Or do we just kind of write it out and see where it goes? Joining me to help answer this question, because why not? Comedian Jeremy Alder. Jeremy is a preacher turned comedian whose new comedy album, Almost a Grown Man, is out now on Blonde Medicine, available on Apple Music and Band.
camp. Hey, Jeremy. Welcome to the Savage Lovecast. Hey, Dan. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here. So you weren't just raised evangelical. You were raised in Texas, and it gets worse from there. Yeah, I was homeschooled without a TV or the internet, the whole nine yards. Like when you think of homeschooler, I was the stereotype.
How do you go from homeschooled evangelical Christian kid who grows up to be a preacher to stand-up comedian? I mean, it's a long journey. I didn't start stand-up until I was 35 years old. So it took a while for me to get to it. And I lived a lot of lives before that. So we've had other comedians on the show who were raised fundamentalist Christian evangelical.
And they often have really kind of complicated but loving relationships with their families of origin. The parents who – I don't know. I've – Gotten in a lot of trouble years ago for writing that I think homeschooling should be illegal because I think it's a kind of child abuse. But the parents who kind of shaped your.
life in a way and restricted it are they still in your life what kind of relationships do you have with your folks yeah they are we don't live in the same state anymore so that helps the relationship but i i love my parents we are There's an enormously wide difference between us now religiously and politically, but we still have a relationship. And you're right.
I actually tend to agree with you about homeschooling. I think it is, in some cases, I think it can be helpful, especially for kids who are being bullied in school or have certain neurodivergent... you know, issues that they're dealing with, it can be a good, but in general, yeah, I think homeschooling is very problematic. It hides a lot of abuse. It's fundamentally anti-democratic. It's classist. It's pretty racist, to be honest with you.
I lean towards the same position as you with regards to homeschooling in general, which would probably surprise a lot of people. It would certainly surprise and upset my parents. But I love them to death. But look, no one, no, very few people are qualified. to homeschool their children that is an enormous amount of confidence to have as an individual yeah we won't even get into the unschooling speaking of your parents I wanted to play a brief clip from
your first stand-up special, Purity Pants, about your parents. Okay. Here's how Texas my parents are. For Christmas this past year, they bought each other. Guns. Christmas guns. I honestly think it was a good thing. I think it's a sign that they still deeply love each other. Because I just don't think you buy your partner a gun unless you're really sure things are going to end up well.
All right, this is what stand-up comedians do. They make us see things from a slightly different angle. I had never thought that gifting guns... to loved ones on Christmas could be a good sign about the strength or health of a relationship until I heard that analysis. Well, I mean, you know, it certainly, I think, tamps down a lot of the arguments at the Thanksgiving Day table. Mutual assured destruction. That's right. Let's talk about this question. I find it kind of interesting when people...
back into wanting to end a relationship because it's going so well, because they're catching feelings for each other, and that that becomes kind of a bad sign. I can understand why the call who got out of a... 15 year marriage to somebody who was also raised evangelical, was evangelical when they were evangelical, might be hesitant about jumping into a new relationship while they're still exploring. But to me, this is like, eh.
You guys are catching feelings for each other. Isn't that why we fuck around? Maybe, but if she's on this journey of sexual liberation, it might not be what she wants. So I get that part of it. I do feel like if that is the direction she wants to go, she is going to have to fess up and be honest with the guy. You can't start a relationship with a lie like that. That's just not going to work.
I don't think so. I know a lot of people who started a relationship with a lie, but then like eventually told the truth, but kick that can down the road a little bit, which can make somebody feel that they were misled or deceived. But. you guys hadn't made an exclusive commitment. It was casual. And then he, which is why there's no reason to lie.
Which is why there's no reason to lie. There's no reason to lie. And it's only going to get harder to fess up the longer, the closer they get emotionally and all of that. It's only going to be more scandalous, I think, when it eventually comes out. So I think now is actually the best time. And the caller should say what? How should she frame walking back the lie that she told? Hey, I really like you. I chose to not be truthful because I didn't want to hurt you.
Because I really care about you. And I regret it. And because I care about you and I want us to have a healthy relationship that's founded in honesty and truthfulness, I need to fess up and say, yeah. And the fessing up is a good sign. And there's a way that you could even argue that the telling of the lie itself.
was a good sign that the lie was coming out of your mouth before you realized why you were telling it. And you were telling it because you re I really like you and I didn't want this to fuck it up. And I realized that I really don't want to see anybody else. I was allowed to, and I did. And then when you got a little jealous, it's like, oh, I really don't want to hurt him by seeing somebody else. And I don't even want to see anybody else because I really kind of like him. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. I think that's absolutely correct. And people do that all the time. I mean, usually when people lie in a relationship. like this, where people do care about each other. It's because you're trying to protect the other person's feelings. It's completely understandable. I don't think it would be a deal breaker. And so it's not a huge risk, I think.
Especially at this point. I think it becomes a bigger risk if y'all do dive in and you become emotionally intimate and you've got a long-term thing going and then you bring it up. Or then it comes out somehow. Or then it comes out even worse.
Caller asks if they're being stupid because they're having feelings. I don't think feelings are ever stupid. I think feelings can be... inconvenient i think they can be sometimes it doesn't feel like the right moment for them but like what can you do you're you he doesn't want you seeing anybody else you don't want him seeing anybody else you're feeling jealous he's feeling just it's almost like
you want the perks of a committed, defined, exclusive relationship around exclusivity and primacy without ever actually, without having to commit, define, or be exclusive. And you can't. Yeah, I think that's absolutely right. I don't think there's anything, shouldn't judge our feelings. They are what they are. And it sounds like they're real and genuine. And I think maybe it could be that you were...
in love with the idea of a kind of friends with benefits situation. But now that you're in it, you realize that maybe that's not really what you wanted. And maybe that's not what it sounds like. Maybe that's not what he really wanted either. So the caller. is 35 years old, 38 years old, 15 year marriage, having her sexual awakening now, having her, I call them come springos.
Now at 35, was there a point at which, you know, you're raised evangelical Christian. I was raised evangelical Catholic and then along comes puberty and it says there's going to be trouble. Right? Because everything you've told, everything you thought you believed is now in conflict with what, in my case, if I can be crude, my dick was telling me I had to have. Right? Did you have that kind of sexual awakening where you were like, oh.
Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, I had it as a teenager, but then I, you know, I got married when I was 20 and married the first woman I slept with. And then we ended up getting divorced. And so, you know, I think I can definitely relate to, in fact, I was 35 when I got divorced and had a very similar. kind of experience i think is this is this woman as i kind of explored that part of myself that it just was off limits for me you got on the internet well
You got on the apps? What is it that you did? What was your explore? I did. I did get on the apps. And I explored just meeting people organically, which was a real thrill. And it's not really done. which was kind of the attraction of like, can I just go up and talk to that woman at this bar, this coffee shop? And it turns out you can. And you got remarried. I did.
How did you meet your second wife? So this caller is like out of a marriage, out of a long-term marriage, evangelical Christian, married very young. I think the caller's fear is... They're going to wind up married again before they're ready to get married again. You wound up getting married again. I'm assuming you were ready to get married again when you got married again. Any words of reassurance for the caller on that front? Oh, sure. I mean, just.
relax, have fun, enjoy yourself. You know, I actually was not thinking I was going to get married again until I met this woman who I was like, oh, I want to be with her for the rest of my life. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't think you can predict these things. So just enjoy it. Take it day by day. Meet as many people as you can. Have fun. And if it happens, it happens.
Your comedy is hilarious. Your special is hilarious. Purity Pants. If you want to find out what Purity Pants are, you should look up Jeremy Alder's first stand-up special, Purity Pants. But definitely check out his new comedy album, Almost a Grown Man, out now on Blonde. Madison available on Apple Music and Bandcamp. Jeremy Elder, thank you so much for coming on the show. Really had a good time talking with you.
There's more of my conversation with Jeremy Alder on the Magnum version of the show. Jeremy takes another call with me and we talk about the ex-evangelical movement. We're having a half-price sale on Magnum subs right now at savage.love. Take advantage, become a Magnum sub now, and you'll get my full interview with Jeremy Alder and so much more. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Mental health, sexual health.
They are intertwined. That's why you hear me recommend therapy on this show all the time to my callers. Therapy can help with learning positive coping skills. how to set boundaries, and how to truly understand and act on your authentic sexual desires. Often the barrier to getting started is finding a therapist that matches you and the issues you're facing. That's why I recommend BetterHelp.
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We are all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash savage to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash savage. Hi, Dan. I have a question about maybe grief. There's someone I've been hooking up with for over a decade. It was never quite FWB status. We treated each other well, but we never interacted outside of our meetings. But our meetings were always amazing.
A few months ago, I texted him and I didn't hear back. I also emailed, but no response. Last week, I texted him and the text bubble, which had been blue for 10 years, turned green. And again, there was no response. I know where he lives, and I could go there, but I'm not going to do that unannounced. I can't help but thinking something terrible happened. But there's no way for me to know, and not much I can do. I've googled his name, but it's common enough that I haven't found anything yet.
And I'm sad, and I don't know what to do with my sadness. And because of the nature of the relationship, I've never talked about it with family or friends. So, I guess I'm wondering if you have any advice for what to do. In a situation where I just feel sad and kind of lost. I think you should go to his house. Worst thing that could happen. Best thing possibly that could happen.
would be he opens the door and says what are you doing here and you say i was worried about you you weren't answering my texts or my emails and i was just concerned i'm here to do a swell person check you're a swell person and i was And then you might have to listen as he says to your face that he blocked you on email and blocked you.
on his phone because he didn't want to see you anymore and he was taking the ghosting coward's way out and that'll be awkward and painful but you'll have some closure and then you won't have to worry about him and you'll have to re-evaluate the person that you thought he was over the last decade when you were having these wonderful hookups. Because that's just not how you treat someone that you've been in a long-term relationship with. And this was, you were just hooking up.
never really defined it even as friends with benefits, but you were in each other's lives and each other's bodies and mouths regularly for a decade. That is a relationship. We should be generous with the R label. relationship when we talk about the people that we're intimate with sexually and if that's how he treated you if he just discarded you if he didn't have the courtesy or courage to send you an email that said thanks for all the dick thanks for the great times
but I'm seeing someone now or I'm moving away or I'm a Mormon now or whatever, then that's on him. That was a deeply shitty thing for him to do. Also possible there's something... wrong or that he died or you know this is somebody you only communicated with occasionally and then only to make arrangements to see them in person for the sex that you enjoyed and a little bit of conversation that ensued after the sex. Lives end. People end. Everything ends. And his may have ended.
If I were in your shoes, I would want to know one way or the other what had happened. And I would show up. I would show up for somebody that I'd been having sex with for a decade. And I think you should show up at his place. You may wind up just talking with a neighbor. You may find out something that makes your grief worse, but then isn't just...
It's not grief and mystery. It's grief and clarity if you find out that he died. And if you find out that he just was done with you and didn't have the courtesy of sending you a text message, well, that's going to be a different kind of grief.
But you're allowed to grieve this relationship. You say that you don't have anyone in your life that you can talk to about it. I would find someone if I were you that you can talk to about this. There has to be a friend. There has to be someone that you could reach out to even.
An anonymous post on a subreddit about gay relationships and gay hookups. There are dozens of different subreddits are just about gay relationships and gay hookups where you say this happened and I'm not sure how to feel about it. You will wind up having conversations with people on the internet who've had similar sorts of things that they had to grieve and work through. And your grief is, I'm just going to use the V word here. Your grief is valid.
And it speaks well of you as a human being that you are grieving the end of this relationship. And possibly you may be grieving the end of your friend. Your regular sex partner, your fuck buddy, your FWB, which he could have been in your heart even if you never used that initialism out loud with him. But go. Get in your car.
or get on public transit however you get around the city where you live and go to his place find out what happened and then give us a call back and let us know because I'm sure I'm not the only one who's curious And I want to end this by saying, don't let anyone tell you, anyone else tell you that your grief isn't valid, but no one can tell you that because no one sounds like but me knows about this. Your grief is valid.
And there are others out there who've grieved the ends of relationships and connections like yours. And I don't want you to be the person telling yourself. that your grief isn't valid. Your feelings here are valid and very deeply human. And again, they speak well of you as a person and a partner and a fuck buddy and a friend with benefits.
All right, time for a little listener feedback. And my apologies, the COVID voice is back. First up, a few comments about last week's show from the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says no cute name, Dan. please go back and listen to the caller whose husband's girlfriend's scent was offensive to her. You have completely misunderstood the caller and her antipathy. It is clear that her only problem, or at least the only one she states,
is the odor that gets left on her husband. There is no evidence that she dislikes the woman in general or that she's guilty of some kind of confirmation bias. Lots of us are extremely sensitive to... odors. All right. I went back and I listened to that call and you are right. No cute name. The caller mentioned having a bit of an issue with this woman at the start of the call. I thought.
That was a bit of an issue in addition to this other issue that she mentioned, the scent issue. On second listening, it was clear that the scent issue was the only issue. I misheard that. My apologies.
to the caller, and my thanks to all the listeners who jumped into the comment threads to point out the error that I made. Says Midnight Rambler, also about the same call. It's almost certainly dryer sheets. The problem with... them is that the scent is from a wax which only melts and vaporizes in the heat of the dryer so it doesn't evaporate like essential oils or regular perfume does.
And it's going to stick to anything her clothes or sheets touch, like, you know, the caller's husband. These scents are also intensely revolting to many, myself. included. Oh, I feel terrible that I wasn't more sensitive to this caller's concerns because I am a scent sensitive person myself. My husband likes to wear cologne, his boyfriend.
likes to wear cologne. They keep their cologne by the front door. And when they're going to wear cologne, they step outside and put it on before they leave to spare me the scent of the cologne stinking up. the whole house. So caller, as a fellow sensitive person, I failed you. My apologies. Finally, says Jane, for the guy with the screamer girlfriend, I am a screamer too. And I agree with Dan that screaming after 10 p.m. is bad form.
Face down in a pillow, blanket, or mattress is my solution. If she, the caller's girlfriend, is face up, she or you can cover her mouth or stick her panties in her mouth or something. Make it power play if you're into that. at all. Great suggestion, Jane. Thank you for writing in. To read more listener comments, go to savage.love, click on the latest Lovecast or column or struggle session, then scroll down to the bottom where you will find my readers and listeners sharing thoughtful
comments and sometimes once in a while having better advice for the caller or reader or listener than I do. And of course, sometimes as today, catching me on an error that I made and calling me. which I always appreciate. Check out the comments. Join the convo now at savage.love. And now more listener feedback. Some of the voicemails Savage Love listeners left on our answering machine this week.
This is for the caller who can't get out of her head when she's having sex with her boyfriend and she's afraid that she needs to come quickly or come on demand or come when he wants her to and she thinks she's getting in her own way. Try... telling yourself not only are you not going to come, but that you are not allowed to come. I find sometimes...
Withholding permission makes something much dirtier, much sexier, much more interesting. And if I tell myself it's not going to happen and I'm not allowed to have it happen, I will make it happen. Oh, hey, Dan, I just listened to your and Randy Rainbow's answer to the guy who wanted to be tucked in after a massage at a hotel. I don't think it's that weird, but I think what is weird is using the phrase...
Damn, that just does make it sound like you said it's a squirrel play, which I don't think it is. I think he just wants to go to sleep. So I think it's had a lot of massages. And I think very simply, this could be achieved by... They probably will bring their own massage table. You can turn down the bed and have it all ready for you. And just let them know there's some money, whatever. And when we're done, I am going to...
leave my eyes closed and find my way to that bed and fall asleep and let yourself out. I think that would be less weird. And like you said, is it leading to something or backing into something if you bring stuff up? Weird. So yeah, I think that's not too weird. I just want to go to sleep after. Hey Dan.
I have a response for the liberal straight Jewish man from Nashville. If there's something you're obviously doing wrong, you should be talking to your friends about this. And not just your guy friends, but your female friends as well. They'll have a different perspective. They'll...
probably be clued into the things that the women you're dating are clued into. And hopefully you've got some female friends who are close enough to you that they're willing to give you comments about your hygiene, about the way you talk, about a number of things that may be at play here. The other thing that could be going on here is you're a great guy, you actually are great on dates, but by the time things turn to play, that's where things go south. The advice I would give you here is...
Your sex life will change when you stop treating sex as a reward for you and start treating sex as a reward for your partner. And really pay attention to them, pay attention to the sounds they're making, pay attention to what they're asking for, pay attention to how their body responds. Check in with them often if they're enjoying it, if what you're doing feels good to them.
and really make it about them having a great time. And I guarantee you, if you do that, you will have a great time as well. All right, we're going to leave it there. Got a question for me? Go to savage.love slash askdan to record and upload your question directly onto our website. Or you can make a voice memo and email us your question or your comment to q at savage.love.
or you can call us at 206-302-2064. Hey, Seattle Hump will have tables on June 7th at White Center Pride and June 28th at both Capitol Hill and Olympia Pride, where you can pick up. free hump tickets, t-shirts, stickers, and some very sexy hump tote bags. The designs are incredible. All the queer swag you could want for free at hump at pride. We're also having a very special pop-up screening June 14th on Capitol Hill and June 19th at the Lumberyard and White Center. More info.
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