You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here. A very important part of my job, one of the ways I think I actually kind of maybe do truly help people is by encouraging them to have realistic expectations. Single or partnered, monogamous or open, vanilla or kinky, people with realistic expectations have more satisfying relationships.
Because, and I don't think this is rocket science, realistic expectations can be met. More than met. Better than met. Realistic expectations can be exceeded. unrealistic expectations by definition are unlikely to be met completely unrealistic expectations can literally never be Another important part of my job, feeling sorry for people. And honestly, I do feel sorry for people whose unrealistic expectations have screwed up their relationships and I do what I can. Week after week.
month after month, year after year, to help people see that their unrealistic expectations are screwing up their lives. So let's say you're one of those people who wants a monogamous relationship. You have my full support. You don't want your partner fucking other people. That is a perfectly realistic expectation. You don't want your partner to wanna fuck other people?
Sorry, that is an unrealistic expectation. And when you catch your partner looking at someone else or watching porn and break up with them and call me in tears, I will feel sorry for you. And not just because that's part of my job, but because I am a human being and I feel sorry for other human beings that are in pain.
and then after i express sympathy i will patiently explain to you that your expectations were unrealistic and you might want to consider a reset or let's say you're one of those guys who saw an impossibly large ass toy on the website for the impossibly large ass toy store and you expected to get that impossibly large
Ass toy into your ass, but you couldn't because it was impossible. I will feel sorry for you when you call in, maybe from the ER, and I will do what I can to help you reset your expectations. around what a human ass can and can't do so that you maybe attempt a slightly more realistic ass toy after those fissures heal.
Or let's say you're very kinky and you have a very vanilla but GGG partner who's willing to go there for you. Great. But expecting to get pegged or mummified or deep fried or whatever your kink might be every time you have sex. with your vanilla partner that is unrealistic and you're going to be disappointed and i will feel sorry for you when you call in and i will do what i can help improve your life by resetting your expectations
I will also remind you, of course, that being GGG is a two-way street. Oh, and here's a really hard one. You lost interest in sex, cut your partner off, didn't release your partner from the monogamous commitment they made to you years ago, the commitment they made back when you did want to fuck them, and then your partner cheated on you, and you call in to complain, feeling sorry for you, yeah.
that's going to be a struggle but i will try And then you and I will have a chat about how unrealistic your expectations were.
what else what else impromptu anal unrealistic expectation like second marriages impromptu anal is an example of the triumph of hope over experience i'll feel sorry for you we'll try to help piv leading to simultaneous climaxes unrealistic but not impossible expectation I will feel sorry for you, mostly for you ladies who feel pressured to pretend and I will try to help, I have tried to help, reset expectations around simultaneous climaxes.
So, to summarize, not rare for me to encounter someone with unrealistic expectations. Rare for me not to feel sorry for someone that I've encountered with unrealistic expectations. but it happened this week not a caller thank god so not someone it's my job to help tim pettit is a Trump supporter in South Carolina. And I'm going to let WPDE ABC 15 News, South Carolina's most trusted news source, take it from here.
A mistake on a Donald Trump keepsake might be funny to some. But it wasn't a laughing matter for the couple who paid more than $600 for the Trump-branded watch. watch right now go to get trump watches dot com It's Trump time. Pettit bought the watch after hearing an ad like that one on the radio with the president's voice. hawking the watches and I was curious so I went on to the website
GetTrumpWatches.com. Pettit picked out the pink inauguration first lady model. It has a pink and it has little fireworks on it. Melanie Pettit likes the style, but it's what this watch does not have that makes it stand out. I noticed it right away. The T is missing. It just says R-U-M-P. So it should say Trump. Should say Trump. Instead. It says rump. She has a $640 rump watch. I'm very disappointed. I want it to be a special thing for her.
and we had expected that it would have the integrity of the president of the united states as unrealistic expectations go expecting integrity from donald trump that's what Tim says there he expected integrity from Donald Trump.
The same Donald Trump who in 2016 had to pay out 25 million dollars to the people who were defrauded by his fake university to expect that Donald Trump, the Donald Trump who went on to peddle shit coins all the way back to the white house in 2024 that may be the most unrealistic expectation of all even more unrealistic than the impossibly large ass toys Even if I were inclined to help, and I'm not, there's no helping people dumb enough to spend money on Donald Trump watches
So I'm going to stick to helping people who can be helped. I'm going to stick. to reasoning with reasonable monogamous people about their expectations and talking sense to bottoms whose eyes are bigger than their holes people who can be But if I did get on the phone with the rump watch guy, I might offer to buy it off him.
Seems to me that a rump watch is going to be worth a lot more money one day, like one of those stamps with the upside-down airplanes on them. That rump watch is going to be worth a lot more money someday than a Trump watch ever will be. And if I owned a rump watch? Melania Trump rump watch? Pink rump watch? I would wear that watch. I would wear it out to the gay bars with my hetero awesome fest t-shirt.
all right coming up on today's show a man explains to his queer friends what actually goes on in bath houses putting an end to their plans to visit one a divorced woman struggles to explain to her four-year-old daughter why mommy and daddy don't live together a bear with some kink experience but no sexual experience is ready to lose his actual virginity But the men he's meeting take one look at him and reject him because of his size. What can he do or do?
Differently and then on the magnum only Katie Simon author of the upcoming tell me what you like an honest discussion of sex and intimacy after sexual assault Joins me to talk about the different ways survivors of sexual violence reclaim sexual pleasure and how their partners can help
and magnum subs we've got a brand new sex and politics for you this week joining me on sex and politics sandeep kashik and david hyde the hosts of blue city blues whose entire show is about how blue cities blue cities which we rely on to turn whole states blue to flip whole states into the democratic column drifted rightward toward trump in 2024 and what blue cities and the democrats and libs and progressives who run them
can and should do about that watch for it in your feeds on thursday new sex and politics all right let's get to the first call this episode is brought to you by helix sleep makers of my mattress well my mattress says and your next mattress or mattresses if you like me need more than one Right now, my listeners get 27% off site-wide, plus a free bedding bundle with any Lux or Elite mattress order. To get your new mattress and your free bedding bundle, go to helixsleep.com slash savage.
This episode is brought to you by Dipsy, an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women. Right now, you can get a 30-day free trial plus 25% off your annual subscription when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Beam's Dream Cocoa Powder, a delicious drink packed with all natural ingredients that help improve sleep.
For a limited time, Beam is offering my listeners up to 40% off. Go to shopbeam.com slash savage and use code savage at checkout. So I'm in a group chat where a bunch of queer people talk about going out to clubs or whatever, just socializing. And recently this idea came up of, hey, a few of us might want to go to the bathhouse.
Now, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in this chat who had been to this particular bathhouse before. So people were asking questions, what is it like? And I gave an honest morning. You know, it's a bathhouse, it's clean, but not the cleanest place in the world. Consent is complicated. Is somebody going to grab your dick or your ass without you explicitly giving verbal consent at some point? Very possible. And I've never seen any trans men there. I don't know if it's a trans-friendly space.
So I shared all of these things in the chat, just as this is a fact of going to this space. And it sort of shut down the conversation. I was surprised. And now I'm kind of like, should I have not shared the honest truth of what it's like to be in this place? It can also be very fun. But I just felt you should. have that warning all my friends should have that warning before you know showing up and say maybe you're a trans mask person you get turned away at the door
Was I wrong to share this wording? Should I have shared it in a different way? Was I too harsh? I was just trying to level set before going into a space like that, but it seems like maybe I went too far. Is there no one on the group chat that you can't back channel to? You can't have a sidebar with?
no one that you're close to that you can't ask hey like people said they wanted to go to this bathhouse and I like had been and I shared and it seemed to the crickets after that did i say the wrong thing maybe somebody on the group chat has a better idea but i have a couple of theories that i'll share with you i mean there is the risk that
it was something about your tone maybe you were coming across as condescending or paternalistic or patronizing all possibilities nothing about your question nothing about what you said to me makes me think that any of that could possibly be true it's also
possible that no one was really serious about going to the bathhouse. A lot of queer people will joke about going to public sex environments, joke about going to a bathhouse, and they didn't mean it. And when you jumped in... with the assumption, the animating assumption, that everybody was serious about going to the bathhouse and sharing all of this.
Sometimes heavy stuff about consent being complicated although i do think people who go to bathhouses and dark rooms as leo herrera writes in analog cruising he uses a phrase I used in Savage Love many many years ago and got dogpiled a bit for implied consent in cruising spaces, Herrera writes, touch may be a part of the language of consent.
In a bathhouse, in a well-lit place, of course, there should be eye contact before there's touch. There should be some nonverbal, perhaps, even verbal, ideally, communication before touch. But in a lot of bathhouses, in a lot of public sex environments, Initial touch, a hand on the small on the back, a hand on the forearm, hopefully not grabbing dick or ass, is a part of, as Herrera describes it, the language of consent.
And so people should have realistic expectations about going into a bathhouse or a darkroom that you may possibly get touched by somebody that you would rather not have touching you. The trick is you take their hand away, you move their hand away and... Yeah, that's you withdrawing your consent, but there is a kind of state of implied consent that people exist in, that men exist in, in bathhouses and dark rooms. Anyway, getting far afield from your question.
I don't know. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was too heavy. Maybe you were condescending. But I think what was most likely, Occam's Razor tells me, that they weren't serious and you took it very seriously and did this download about consent, about touch, about whether it's a welcoming space for trans masc folks, and it got a little heavy.
in this jokey group chat and so people moved the fuck on or started a new group chat without you always possibility at a moment like that But again, if you really want to know what the fuck happened, you're going to have to ask somebody who was on the group chat with you privately, one-on-one, back channel, sidebar. Hi Dan, long time listener here. I'm a 44 year old straight woman in the Northeast looking to break a horrendous dry spell.
I haven't had PIV in two years. I'm a sensitive person, easily attached with unfulfilling experiences with casual sex in my 20s. I have been looking for a partner since my last relationship ended in 2021. I had one fulfilling short-term relationship in that time, but since then my sexual encounters in the context of trying to build a romantic relationship have been meh and nothing has gotten off the ground.
I took PIV off the table trying to vet people more, but that has led to a horrendously painful dry spell and I can't wait any longer. i got on field seeking something that is sexually fulfilling still very much wanting but kind of having given up on finding a romantic partner I want sex but I'm scared. I'm worried about getting attached and I'm afraid that I'm trying to go into something making it romantic and it's not.
So it feels really messy to me, but I don't want to live my life without sex. Do you have any advice? How do I uncouple PIV with romantic relationships? I need to get laid. Getting attached is a good thing. It's attachment we all want. The risk is you're going to attach to someone who doesn't attach to you in the same way or for the same length of time that you would like to be attached to them, but that's always a risk.
i think the trick for you is not to try to uncouple piv from romance or romantic relationships i don't think the solution for you is to somehow learn to have impersonal transactional meaningless with strangers i think the trick for you is redefining what a romantic relationship can be what it can look like and i think When people talk about needing a certain kind of sex in the context of a romantic relationship, they have this standard or this idea of
Romance being, you know, a significant emotional investment, a significant investment of time and energy and intention. And yeah, it can be. And ideally, I think. usually is all of that but i know from personal experience it's possible to have a really romantic Two, three week affair? very short-term relationship with someone i know it's possible to have
A romance that lasts a weekend? A romance that lasts an evening? And if maybe you understood guys that you might meet on the apps, on Field or other apps, potential romantic partners with the romance being something that could Be a one night?
Affair to remember or that one night stand with somebody that you felt good about being with that turned into a two-night stand, a three-night stand, and maybe it went on for a month, and at the end of the month it runs its course, or you don't hear from them anymore, and you can be sad about that, but then you can move on to your next romance.
Anyway, you've tried holding your pussy back. You tried taking PIV off the menu, I guess. The idea was that to get to the PIV, the guys that you were interacting with... would make the kind of an emotional investment in you that Made you feel better or more comfortable or more turned on more aroused about the idea of having PIV sex with them and it didn't work here you are in a period of Extended sexlessness and you're kind of losing your mind
And so maybe instead of holding pussy back, you need to toss your pussy out there. What you should, however, hold out for, even as you toss your pussy back out there, is at the very least. This person who wants to have PIV sex with you, this person that you may be meeting off a hookup app or just for one night, is willing to make a human connection that makes you feel seen. feels like the tiniest or just a sufficient investment in you as a person and it clicks with your romantic
Now, I don't want to call it a hang-up, because your desires are perfectly normal and understandable and healthy and good. But you can demand. That somebody who wants to get into your pants is willing to see you, chat with you, engage with you, connect with you, and allow for the possibility that it might be a short-term connection. And that can be good. At the very least, you'll get the sex out of it that you want to have.
And you'll be able to have and feel better about having and feel less rejected if it doesn't turn into something long-term, if you can redefine romance. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of the best mattresses. That's why my mattress is a Helix Sleep mattress, because we wanted the best.
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Hi, Janet. I'm the Tex-Rabbi at Rescues. I'm calling because I have a question about how to address something with my four-year-old child. Her dad and I have been separated and divorced for a while. We haven't been together since she was... Literally just round tail. So she really doesn't have any recollections. of a home life where we were together.
for members of doing stuff together, which we still do. We're not the greatest of terms, like we're not best friends, but we are more than capable of being together and in the same room for her. We've taken her to see movies together. You know, we will occasionally have dinner together. It's not on a regular basis, but... I took her away to visit some family recently and when we came home.
We both went to her gymnastics class and then went out to dinner together, all that. So, you know, she's a pretty happy kid. She knows that we both love her. We don't disagree or get into fights around her and she can see us together without it being an issue. She has started asking about getting married and like, are daddy and I married? Why are we not married?
You know, she wishes we lived together, that kind of thing. I always reassure her, you know, mommy and daddy both love you. She's four again, so I reiterate how lucky she is. She's got two rooms with two parents who love her, which means she has two rooms. She gets to have so much fun with both mommy and daddy and we're both here for her. Yadda yadda yadda. The usual. I do feel like I need to start addressing...
The fact that we're not married. And I have told her, like, mommy and daddy are not married. I haven't sent her money and daddy got divorced. Because that's a conflict she doesn't understand. I'm just sort of wondering what advice you have for that, particularly since I do have a significant romantic partner who she's met, who she loves.
She totally adores him. She loves going to the house. She loves doing family dinners with him and his son. So she's definitely not conflating my current relationship with me not being in a relationship with her dad. It's good because they have nothing to do with each other anyways. Thank you for the relationship question. Always nice to get a relationship question mixed in there every once in a while with the sex questions and a parenting question at that.
Your daughter understands what marriage is. And your daughter probably has And on the receiving end of a lot of cultural messaging and signaling, TV and film and children's books that may be in your own home.
that most kids who have mommy and daddies, their mommies and daddies are married to each other and that they live together and while of course you can tell your daughter isn't it great that you have a room at mommy's and a room at daddy's What she likely intuits correctly is that she sees less of mommy and daddy than she would if mommy and daddy lived together.
Your daughter understands what marriage is. If she understands what marriage is, she probably is ready to know what divorce is and can wrap her mind around divorce. She's probably already familiar with the concept of people getting together and splitting up. And so I think you should not keep this secret from her any longer. Right now, because she doesn't think you ever gave marriage to her father a try, that that's something that...
Could happen. That that's something that's possible. That one day mommy and daddy might get married and might live together. And that's not possible. That's not going to happen. So yeah, tell her. Tell her. tell her we're so glad that we fell in love and that we were together for the time that we were together because that means we get to be your mommy and daddy and if we hadn't fallen in love for the time that we were in love with each other
You wouldn't be here. Maybe that introduces a little too much existential dread into this conversation. And of course, you should talk with your ex-husband about having this conversation. Before you have this conversation with your daughter Maybe this is a conversation that you and your ex-husband should have together With your daughter, but you're ready. She's ready to know your history she's ready to be told the truth that you were married
And that you're so glad that you were because you get to be her mom and dad, but you're not going to remarry. That's not possible. And she's allowed to feel a little sad about it. This episode is brought to you by Dipsy. One of the best parts of having a partner is sharing everything with them, including your fantasy. Sometimes just listening to a hot story is enough to let your partner know what turns you on, and then things can evolve from there.
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straight woman, 35 years old. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We've been together 18 years, and he was my first for everything, and I didn't really date anyone before him. We've been talking about monogamous and E&M for a while. Finally, you know, pulled the trigger a few months ago. And I got on the apps and, you know, it was not difficult to get dates. And it was great and fun and awesome when it started. But...
I'm having trouble with the fact that When I connect with a date and it seems like he connects with me and we have a really great date, great chemistry, great sex, great emotional connection even. And I'm on a high for a few weeks. And then all of a sudden things change. The first time this happened, that guy went on a trip after seven dates, which were wonderful. And then just... I reached out a few times and then he finally replied saying, oh, sorry, I've been busy, you know.
And my heart was hurt because I couldn't tell what I did wrong. And then, you know, went on a few more dates again. Met another guy that I was really into. He seemed really into me. We would text a lot, back and forth. You know, whenever we met, it was firework. And then again, six weeks in, he's starting to get distant, and I have no idea why. And my heart hurts, because again, I miss him. I want to see him. I thought we had something great. I don't know what I did, and I'm feeling like...
Am I just gonna get battered over and over again in this process? And do I just have to kind of protect my heart more? How do I make this more fun for me without it feeling like heartbreak after heartbreak? You didn't do anything wrong. But let's back away the hell up. You're 35 years old. You've been with your husband for 18 years. That means you two, at least on your side, high school sweetheart. And now, 18 years later, the first time in your adult life,
You're out there. You're putting yourself out there. You're dating. And you're having what sound to me like some very real dating disappointment. You're in a long-term relationship, a long-term committed monogamous relationship. with your husband and that's great and you've opened your relationship up now so that you're both able to get out there and have some new experiences get to see what that new relationship energy feels like you're having
new adventures, exploring new possibilities, and staying together. And all that's great. And you're getting some new dick. Those are the upsides.
when you've opened up a monogamous relationship after many years those are the things that you get the good things that you get but it's not all going to be good things there's going to be the downside of dating too you're gonna get dumped you're gonna get these days because nobody's got no class you're gonna get ghosted from time to time and that's not okay
You're also going to realize that you're into someone and they're not as into you as you are to them and they're going to pull back or grow distant as the guy that you were dating, seeing for six weeks. And just like you didn't do anything wrong, he didn't do anything. He lost interest. You're a 35 year old?
Married woman with a husband at home a lot of the men that you meet on the apps and see are going to assume that It's casual that you're looking for something casual if you're looking for a commitment you should put that out there that's no guarantee you'll get it though because even a guy who's open to dating in a serious way and becoming the boyfriend of or an additional partner to a married woman He might be open to, some guy might come along who's open to all of that and still realize after
four weeks or two weeks for one night that although he is open to all those things and he wasn't lying to you of course you have no way of knowing whether for sure or not he was lying to you but if he was being genuine and he was open all things it's still possible that He just wasn't interested in you long term. So rather than seeing each of these relationships through the prism of these relationships with other men besides your husband, of how they ended, I think you should try to see them.
and place some value and importance on them for how much joy and pleasure they brought you while they were happening. So rather than see the six weeks you spent with this one guy... through your anger and disappointment that it ended, you could say, well, those were some good experiences i got some good dick i got to do some things and experience some things that maybe i wouldn't have gotten to do or experience if this guy hadn't briefly come into my life
but yeah you've signed up for this if this is too painful if the normal churn of dating which is you meet people You click. You fuck. You fuck again. You keep hanging out with them.
sometimes that turns into a long-term relationship 18 years you and your husband have been together it turned into that for you with him but it doesn't always and there's no guarantee And there's no guarantee that somebody that you feel strongly about is going to feel as strongly about you as you do about them and you know for some people rejection this kind of rejection the kind of rejection that you have experienced since opening your relationship with your husband up
is too much, is not worth it. The new experiences, the new dick, the new adventures, not worth... the pain or the possibility of future pain because you might meet somebody today that you click with and it'll run its course in six weeks or six months That pain isn't worth the pleasure, the benefit.
aren't worth the risks. And if that's the case for you, if this is too painful, well then maybe non-monogamy, at least this type of non-monogamy, where you're dating people, making an emotional investment in people, not just fucking somebody every once in a while. Maybe it's not right for you. You can do all the things, eat clean, move your body, meditate, hydrate, but if you're not sleeping well, you won't be at your back. That's why you should try Beam's Dream Powder.
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Hey, Dan. I'm a 22-year-old cis bear from Michigan. Recently, I've been exploring myself and the kink scene in my city and have been really enjoying it. The problem is I've never had a partner or penetrative sex, but I've done other things. I'm a happy guy and that combined my virginity has made me weary of exploring further. I've had a hookup kick me out once after seeing my body and really don't want to repeat that.
Should I not explore kink until I've had sex or am I fine to continue as long as I inform partners? It's fine for you to keep exploring kink despite never having had penetrative sex. The first person you have penetrative sex with could be someone you meet face to face. Body to body.
at a kink event in the kink scene there are some people in the kink scene there are some kinksters out there where your size big guys that is their kink big bearish guys for some guys is exactly what they're out there in the regular bars and the kink spaces looking for you don't want to be
seen as just an object you don't want to feel fetishized by someone for your size but there are people out there who are attracted to big people who also see big people as three-dimensional human beings with feelings and needs an agency, and that's somebody who might be a good choice for your first penetrative sexual experience. That's somebody, if they see you as big and sexy and you're their type physically.
And also they see you as a human being. That's somebody who could be a really great first partner. But no, you don't have to scratch penetrative sex off your list of accomplishments before you're entitled to explore. the kink scene or explore kink for some people kink is sex and sex is kink and yeah You don't have to get somebody's permission. You're a 22 year old grown ass man to go to a kink event and hook up with other kinksters.
Around their kinks and to accept the attentions of men who are specifically attracted to you not despite your size But because of your size you should revel and bask in that As for your fear of hooking up with someone and them rejecting you when they see you, That's where pictures come in. You want to have accurate, representative photos. If you don't want to be rejected by somebody at the door, face to face,
Let them see you before you show up at their door. And then, yeah, it may mean less opportunities to show up at somebody's door, but much less chance of showing up at somebody's door and being rejected there painfully on the spot as you're rejected by that person. That's a strategy, I think. Going to kink events.
being honest with the people you want to hook up with about being at least where penetrative sex is concerned inexperienced or a virgin I think that's your best course of action i think that's your best route toward a good and positive first experience with penetrative sex perhaps Most likely with somebody that you've already enjoyed some play with or a connection around your shared kinks.
Hey Dan, I'm a gay trans man in my early 30s. I'm far along in transition and I pass very well to the point where people don't assume I'm trans even when my top surgery scars are visible. However, I'm on the wait list for bottom surgery, and when I have sex, I prefer to bottom with the front, as I have IBS, and it keeps anal from being a realistic possibility.
When I seek out men for sex in the pre-hookup negotiations, I always explain thoroughly that I am trans, and I explain what my sexual preferences are, and I give them the opportunity to back out gracefully if they would like to. They always say no. We proceed to hook up. They're enthusiastic, and they tell me how hot I am and what a good time they're having and that they enjoy my anatomy.
But then afterward, they tell me how conflicted they are about having fucked me because I compromised their status as a gold star gay or threw their sexuality into question. In these conversations, even though they're trying not to, I notice they typically use language that associates me more with women than with men, which makes me feel like shit.
And in the end, the fun I thought I would be having turns into an experience that was corrosive to both sides. I know asking cis gay men to fuck a pussy isn't necessarily normal, but crucially, they always agree to do it. And I want to date and find a long-term partner. I am going about it the way most gay men do, which is by hooking up for...
But the more of these experiences I have, the more I feel radioactive, like I'm giving my partners a disease and changing them in a way that they don't want. and that this disgust response I give people is a major impediment to normal, lasting relationships. My question is, is there a way forward where I can keep having the sex I want, the sex that feels best for me, without it becoming a crisis for me and everyone else? Yes, I know it's the most likely thing that you'll suggest, but...
Please don't recommend that I seek out either by men or go T for T. bi men universally treat me like a woman in ways that are very obvious and ways that make me feel insane. And seeking out other gay trans men creates a pretty vicious cycle of comparison and insecurity that I'm trying to avoid, again, for my sanity's sake. I have to say I'm curious as to why you would want to get why you're on a waitlist to get bottom surgery if you are a bottom if getting fucked is what you enjoy Bye.
and you have IBS and you can't be fucked in your ass and you have a pussy right now you make me think of all of my trans guy friends my gay trans man friends who Not one of them has gotten bottom surgery. Not one of them wants to get bottom surgery. And my gay, trans, male friends get a lot of action from Gay man whose gayness transcends Sex whose gayness is about masculinity and about gender expression and presentation and not about genitalia those gay guys
are out there. Not all gay guys are those guys. But as gay men encounter more out gay trans men on the apps and moving through the bars and clubs and in bathhouses and sex spaces out in the world. What are we asking of gay men who are open to or are being encouraged to be open to sleeping with?
gay trans men is to be open to what? Stepping outside your comfort zone to, you know, maybe experiencing a trans man's genitals who hasn't had bottom surgery as masculine but it is asking gay men to step outside their comfort zones and some of those gay men are going to step outside their comfort zones and in that post-nut clarity moment
feel discomforted outside their comfort zones. That's a highly likely outcome when you ask somebody to step outside their comfort zones that they might feel a moment's discomfort. My advice for you, since you rule out
bi guys because you perceive them as treating you in some ways like a woman so you're ruling out bi guys as potential partners and you're ruling out other trans gay men as potential partners because there's something competitive there I don't know about your masculine presentation or
self-conceptions that makes those relationships complicated for you to keep fucking gay men to keep fucking the gay cis men that want to fuck you and to not be so invested in what their reaction might be to not feel so shredded or negated buy it like if some gay dude fucks you you can't control how he's gonna feel about that and you're not responsible if he made the choice to be intimate with you or the fallout or repercussions you are not radioactive and there are gay men out there
who are attracted to trans men who are into trans men who are into pussy they are out there and so i think your best course of action if it's a gay cis male partner that you want is to just keep fucking gay men until you luck out and fuck a few and you're gonna fuck more than one i'm sure of it because i've met these guys i've talked to these guys who aren't weirded out, who aren't saddened to lose their quote unquote gold star gay status because they had sex with somebody with a vagina.
They're out there. genitals right now or I don't want to use a JK Rowling reference here a sorting hat where you can separate the gay men who are have a problem with with somebody who has a vagina from the gay men who don't by fucking them and then if some guy you fucked has the sads or is acting weird
Pull up your pants and go. You don't have to hang out for that. You don't have to help him process the fallout of the choices that he made. And you don't have to feel bad about it. You do not have to feel bad. unless you are pressuring someone to have sex with you which I assume you are not doing You are not meeting people on the apps and then putting a guilt trip on them or pressuring them, telling them it's transphobic if they don't want to sleep with you. So...
It's not on you. You don't have to hold their hands or their dicks or anything else after the fact. And if they're having a reaction after they fucked you that makes you feel bad, get the fuck out of there. Alright, time for listener feedback. First up, a few comments about last week's show from the comment threads at savage.log.
says, I boop noses. For the caller who's feeling funny about playing with someone who works at the Department of Defense, I was literally parking at a DOD facility when I heard that part of the show. There are a lot of us at DOD who are quite liberal, and we make sure we don't find ourselves in slash take morally questionable jobs. We can still support the defense of the nation without selling our souls for it.
So my advice, talk to the guy, give him a chance. He may very well be not just a great rope top, but an all-around good person despite where he works. Says by Dan Bam, for the caller who says she's into men who seem gay. And so I was thinking about dating. by guys and looking for a monogamous one. The caller rightly ruled out men who are actually gay, but thinks this leaves as the only option men who are bi.
There are straight men out there who are pretty camp. I've met several who say they struggle to meet women because everyone presumes they're gay. I would only add, well not all gay men are flamers. All flamers are gay men. Or almost all there are indeed camp straight guys out there.
as a general rule my advice would be that camp guy who says he's straight under 30 probably a closeted gay man odds are over 30 says he's straight and camp might very well be straight my damn band also suggested that you can meet those guys caller by volunteering at theaters which is pretty good advice theaters are where you will find the camp straight guys
Says Ted the bellhop to the kinky single lady in search of quality dick who had guys ghosting on her after good initial conversations One thing that stuck out to me about your call was the mention of condoms
I probably fit the definition of the type of guy you're looking for, but I would rather do quote-unquote self-care than have sex wearing a condom. I wonder if some of the green flag guys... you met who disappeared on you were too nice to tell you how much they hated condoms huh so these guys were ghosting on the caller too nice to tell her how they felt about condoms but
Also, not nice enough not to ghost on her? Hard to square. Alright, for more listener comments, go to savage.love, click on the latest Lovecast or column or struggle session, scroll down to the bottom, and there you will find my readers and listeners. sharing thoughtful comments, and sometimes, every once in a while, my readers and listeners have better advice for a caller or a letter writer than I do. Check out the comments. Join the conversation today at savage.log.
All right, now more listener feedback. Some of the voicemails Savage Love listeners left on our answering machine for us this week. Hey, Dan. I had a response for the woman who called in concerned about dating a guy who worked for the Department of Defense. a little confused by the call honestly just because that department is enormous and there's countless jobs that exist in it for example
My aunt actually worked for the Department of Defense for years as a librarian. I guess I understand the hesitancy in that it's tied to the military and potentially bad people like some of the ones you mentioned. But I would just encourage that caller to think a little more into like, well, what does he actually do? Because again, my aunt worked for the DoD and she was a librarian, not exactly the most toxic job out there.
This is a response call to the military lady on the East Coast. First off, thank you so much for your service. Secondly, you're doing well. One partner who you really like, who you see multiple times in two years is a very high success rate. I was single for a long time. I have a lot of single female friends. I don't know what to tell you, but this is just when you have standards, that's a pretty good success rate. Keep it up. Be patient. Two years is not long.
This is a response to episode 967. There was a caller who thought she might be too butch for the straight dude bros that she's interested in. I just want to tell her you will be so surprised. Even dude bros are truly a tapestry in terms of what they go for. I'm soft butch at this point in my life. Pretty standard mom level androgynous.
I love my dude bro husband. He's never expected me to put on makeup or wear dresses, which I never do. I've always had a really short, buzzed haircut. It's never mattered. And he has a history of dating really feminine women, so it's not his type. Sometimes he'll tease me about not being very feminine, but he married me and he loves me.
What you do have to do is you have to make your flirting with these guys really explicit, like Dan said. So men just don't realize that a butch-looking woman could be into them, but a surprising number are completely 100% okay with it or even into it. and we're gonna leave love slash ask Dan to record and Or you can make a voice memo and email us your question. We're clearing out the Savage Love Merch Club. for some brand new merch including a product that you're going to want to get right now.
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