You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un. I sound a little ragged if I sound like a man who just met J.D. Vance for the first time. I was in Berlin to host Hump and stuck around for a few extra days and man. Berlin, that city can take it out of you.
Anyway, the Wall Street Journal reports that in Meta's rush to get their celebrity-voiced AI chatbots, all their audio chatbots, onto our devices and into our ears. Meta neglected to create a control, even a rudimentary, easily worked around control. That would allow adults to have sexually explicit chats with their AI chatbots, including their AI celebrity chatbots, but prevent minors from doing the same.
Even though Meta had promised the actors whose voices it had purchased for their AI celebrity chatbots from being used for sexually explicit conversations. Meta's chatbots, reports Wall Street Journal, will engage in and sometimes escalate discussions that are decidedly sexual, even when the users are under age or the bots are programmed to simulate the personas of mine.
They also showed that the bots were equally willing to engage in sexual chats using celebrity voices. The Wall Street Journal noted that The bots seem to be aware that their behavior, the behavior of the bots was both morally wrong and illegal. According to TechCrunch, a chatbot using actor-wrestler John Cena's voice described a graphic sexual scenario to a user identifying as a 14-year-old girl.
In another conversation, the chatbot imagined a police officer catching Sina with a 17-year-old fan and telling him, John Sina, you are under arrest for statutory rape. This glitch in the celebrity AI chatbot matrix was flagged internally at Meta before the chatbot features were rolled out. The AI chatbot features were rolled out, according to the Wall Street Journal.
And Meta didn't do anything about it. It was flagged by numerous departments inside Meta. And Meta didn't do anything about it because Meta was in such a rush to roll this service out. Gotta say, find myself a little conflicted. On the one hand, no one wants AI audio chatbots having sexually explicit conversations with minors, except maybe Mark Zuckerberg. On the other hand...
Dirty talk with an online AI chatbot is certainly safer than the kind of dirty talk a lot of kids were doing on AOL and gay.com back in the 1990s. I mean, a John Cena sound-alike AI chatbot having sexually explicit conversations with 14-year-old girls, not great. And I'm sure John Cena isn't exactly thrilled about this use of his voice. His voice, which he licensed to meta with the understanding it would not be, with the promise, it would not be used in this way.
But it wasn't a 14-year-old girl that John Cena was, fake John Cena, AI John Cena was chatting with. It was a reporter from the Wall Street Journal. And there's no evidence that any actual minors have had sexually explicit chats with. But, and here's the, on the other hand, on the other hand, unlike some creepy adult, an actual adult talking with a 14 year old on AOL or gay.com.
Back in the day, AI John Cena isn't going to ask a kid to send nudes. AI John Cena isn't going to show up outside a kid's house or school or send a kid a bus ticket so they can run away. Shit that actual adults who talk with actual minors online have actually done. When I first read about this story, it kind of felt bad for John Cena. He's not the only actor who gave meta permission to use their voice for their celebrity AI chatbot feature.
for what must have been a very lucrative fee. But he's the one all over the Wall Street Journal and TechCrunch and BBC and other sites. I imagine right now John Cena is having words with his agent. and some sort of update is on its way from meta to prevent this from... continuing to happen.
And that update, if and when it comes, is going to prevent anyone of any age from having The kind of dirty audio chats with AI celebrity chatbots that, again, Meta promised these celebrities no one would be able to have with them. If you're a gerontophile with a thing for English actresses with amazing resumes and plummy voices, you might want to jump on Meta's Celebrity AI chatbot feature before this update comes.
Dame Judi Dench is one of the actors who sold her voice to Metta. If you've ever wanted to have a dirty conversation, if you ever wanted to have phone sex with Dame Judi Dench, now's your chance. Get her while she's hot, boys. Get her before the update. Oh, shit. Speaking of updates, quick update. Literally while I was recording this, Fortune reports that Meta has indeed updated its AI chatbot feature to prevent what it wasn't supposed to allow.
In the first place, and what Meta promised the celebs whose voices it bought, it wouldn't allow at all sexually explicit chat. So you had your chance to talk dirty with Dame Judi Dench and John Cena and Awkwafina. And if you missed it, you missed it.
All right, a quick note to everyone out there who wrote in about Dying for Sex, the new Netflix series starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. I am watching now, loving it. We'll definitely have more thoughts to share about this amazing new show after I finished binging it. All right, before we get to the calls, Magnum subs. Our next Savage Love Live is this Wednesday, April 30th, noon Seattle time, 3 p.m.
New York City time. Savage Love Live is always a blast, but it's for Magnum subs only. If you want all the perks of being a Magnum subscriber to the Savage Lovecast, Savage Love Live, the longer Savage Love cast, bonus Savage Love questions, and more. Become my sub right now at savage.love slash subscribe.
And on a personal note, if you will indulge me, Jimmy in Saigon is an amazing new documentary by filmmaker Peter McDowell. I was an executive producer on this film. I'm really proud of it. And I have a personal connection to it. It's really very moving. And you don't have to take my word for that. There are tons of excellent reviews at Jimmy in Saigon.
It's a story about a big brother who died in Vietnam and the much younger brother, the baby brother, who decades later heads to Vietnam to find out what actually happened there to his brother, Jimmy. It's having its theatrical run at Cinema Village in New York City through May 1st. Tickets and showtimes at jimmyinsaigon.com. All right, coming up on today's show, on the micro, a Canadian woman living in Europe feels a little left out when her pals start speaking to each other.
In their native tongues and languages, she does not speak during group sex sessions. And we hear from another caller, a woman who's been invited to join a man's quote unquote harem of slot. That's not what her heart wants long term. But the thought of being this man's slut kind of turning her on. So does she listen to her heart or listen to her? And in a new after-action report, Andrew and his husband went to a jack-off club for men for the first time. How did they find it? It is all in.
This installment, a new installment of After Action Report. And coming up on the Magnum for Magnum subs, Dr. Debbie Herbenek returns to the show. She's the author of Yes, Your Kid, What Parents Need to Know About Teens and Sex. Dr. Herbenic is here to help me tackle a question from a distressed mom whose tween kid snooped on mom's phone and found a picture.
that mom sent to mom's boyfriend that was not meant for her kid's eyes. Dr. Herbenek is here to help that mom out. All right, let's get to the call. Hi, Dan. So I'm a bi woman in my mid-20s. I'm Canadian, but I currently live in a European city where English is not most people's first language. And I'm in the process of learning the native language, but I definitely have a long way to go. And most people, especially people my age in their 20s.
are used to communicating in English and they can speak it flawlessly. So over the past year, I've gotten close with a new group of friends and group sex has become something that we occasionally do together. I'm having a really good time and I feel really lucky to have found people. that I can safely test my sexual boundaries with and explore with. The dilemma that I wanted to ask you about is about the language that people speak during these group sex experiences.
So everyone knows that I can pretty much only communicate in English and they would only ever speak to me in English. However, when others are having sex and I'm not involved, they often speak their native language with each other. And I want everyone in the group to feel like they can express themselves in the way that feels most honest and most natural.
And sometimes there are also substances involved, and I know that that can make it trickier to find the right words in your second or your third language. And part of me would feel really guilty asking everyone else to switch to English just for my sake. And that already happens a lot in my daily life. But at the same time, I can't help but feel left out sometimes when I know that everyone but me can understand the things that are being said in the room.
So I think I need to either somehow get over this insecurity or figure out a way to address it in the group. So I was wondering what you would do in this situation and how you would go about either getting over it or addressing it. I'm visiting my boyfriend now in Europe, staying with my boyfriend in Europe, and I was at a dinner party last night.
And I was the only English speaker, native, everybody there spoke English to lesser or greater extent, some fluent, but I was the only native English speaker at the dinner party. There were like 10 of us there. 80% of the conversation last night. I didn't feel badly used. I didn't feel like people were being at the dinner party, including my boyfriend, were being rude or inconsiderate when they were speaking to each other in their native language in front of me.
I got to make a game out of it when that happens and it happens semi-frequently because you know what I don't want. My boyfriend's friends, some of whom I count as friends of mine now, I don't want them to feel self-conscious about my presence. I don't want, especially some of my boyfriend's friends who aren't fluent in English, to feel burdened by my presence and having to speak English the whole time while everyone's having a glass of wine and a beer. I just don't want...
My presence to make other people feel obligated to speak English or insecure about their English, especially when my German is so terrible. non-existent so i want them to use whatever feels comfortable and the way i entertain myself at those moments is by trying to pick out words here and there and i picked up a lot didn't pick up i heard a lot of words i was even able to follow a little bit of the conversation
Thanks to context clues. But I would never ask and I wouldn't want my boyfriend's friends to only ever speak English in front of me. Particularly if... They're having a conversation about something that doesn't involve me. Now, this wasn't a group sex situation. Far from it. A little birthday party.
with a boyfriend of a girlfriend of ours. It wasn't a group sex situation, but there were times when the conversation didn't revolve around me, times when I was brought into the conversation, and times when I just... Ate my food, drank my wine, and listened to try to get maybe just a little bit better at German and relied on context clues to follow the conversation. When you are having group sex. with these people, you're friends.
They're careful to always use English with you when you are involved. Sometimes when it's just them, they switch to their native tongue. And this is the problem for you. You say that that makes you feel excluded. No, no, no, no. What you need to do at those moments is relying on context clues and... I think if what you're watching are two people fucking or two or more people fucking, there are a lot of fucking context clues.
to enjoy and pick up on that moment is to start picking out those words. You say you're trying to learn the language rather than feeling resentful about. Being excluded at that moment, when you're not involved, when you're not being actively excluded, but you're not included because whatever's happening in front of you is not happening to you or with you or for you.
Do what I did at that dinner party last night. Listen for the words you recognize. Try to, through the context of the use of those words, attach them to the action that is unfolding in front of you. And maybe by association, figure out what the word on either side of the word that you just heard that you did recognize might mean. And then when you're pulled back into the action and everyone shifts to English.
for what you have and not too demanding. You say like, what do I do with this? What do I do with this? What I regard as kind of a non-problem. What do you do about this problem? Do you need to get over this insecurity or figure out how to address it with the group? Please don't be the ugly North American. I know you're from Canada. You're not as ugly as some Americans, but please don't be the ugly North American and make it all about you and insist that everybody speak English.
in front of you at all times, even when they're having little breakout sessions where you aren't involved. So don't address it with the group. Don't be the ugly North American. Don't be self-centered. I guess this is me saying go with option one, get over your insecurity, but also enjoy it. Like you're getting a live sex show and a little bit of. language instruction at those moments, if you take the right approach, if you have the right attitude.
thankful. Don't make your new fuck friends and friend friends feel self-conscious about using their native tongue in front of you. Just be glad you're there. Be glad you're included. What an adventure. Hi Dan, I'm a 33-year-old straight woman in Southern California. I consider myself very sexual, very high libido. Recently an old acquaintance reached out to me on social media to let me know that he has had a crush on me for a long time and wants me
to potentially consider engaging in a sexual relationship with him. He is in a polyamorous relationship with a woman and has been for a while. And she has a different primary partner. So that's their setup. And his thing is that he has different female friends that he has sex with outside of the relationship with his girlfriend. And he considers all the women that he has sex with like his sluts, you know, and.
He wants me to be one of his sluts. And that's hot to me. At the same time, as plans are coming to fruition, I'm starting to feel like... My deeply embedded societal puritanical upbringing just flaring up and feeling, you know, treated casually and feeling that little ego feeling. I think this might be a safe way for me to push the boundaries of my historical monogamy. I might never be fully able to be polyamorous.
I do think it's healthy to at least question it a little bit and try it. And I think this person might be a safe person to try it with. I can't tell how much of it is my gut saying, don't get involved in this and how much of it is. my judgy, inherent kind of monogamous. worldview saying you deserve better and you deserve you know you know i'm not even looking for a relationship so why can't i have casual sex i don't know why my body is fighting this
So I'm just wondering what you would advise someone like me to do. Would you say push through it? have fun and be a little sled and see how you feel? Or would you say, stay in your lane? Because clearly you are not ready for something like this. Okay, if you love my show, if you've been a listener for a while, you know what I am going to tell you. So what I'm about to tell you is what... You want to hear? Go be a little slut. Be his slut. Join his little...
Slut harem. And then see how you feel. You're not violating a monogamous commitment. You don't currently have a partner. You are stepping outside your comfort zone. You are transgressing against the monogamous. values that were imparted to you in childhood, the monogamous
standard for relationships that was hammered into you by the culture. Maybe being this guy's slut, maybe being one of them is the kind of transgressing against self adventure that you will enjoy the fuck out of that you will if. You wind up in a long-term committed monogamous exclusive relationship with someone else that is not going to happen with this guy. You'll remember this adventure that you had.
With this guy years ago fondly, you will masturbate about it. Maybe when you're having sex with your monogamous partner 15 years in. To help get you there, you will do what people in monogamous relationships and sometimes open relationships do. Close your eyes and remember something from your past to help get you over the edge. Maybe it'll be great and a spank bank resource. Down the line. Or maybe it'll be terrible. Maybe you will...
The oxytocin will be released. The love hormone will sweep in and you'll get jealous and irrationally angry. And then you'll know something about yourself that you don't know now, which is that you can't. have these kinds of adventures without attaching, without wanting to upgrade or get on the relationship escalator with this guy who...
Wanted to recruit you to be one of his slots in his stable of slots. And so this isn't the right kind of adventure for you, but there's only one way to find out if this is the right kind of adventure for you. And that is.
to risk having this adventure. Yes, your gut is sending you a warning, but your pussy is sending you a contravening... message which is you kind of want to do this you had to listen to your call again to get to my response do you hear you giggling do you hear how excited you sound about What you may discover about yourself having this adventure. But again, you may discover this kind of adventure is wrong for you. But I suspect.
of more, enjoying more things, having different kinds of relationships, doesn't mean ultimately in the end you don't want or won't want to wind up in a long-term committed monogamous relationship. But you are young and single and free and the potential to fuck this hot guy in this hot way has opened up before you. And if you weren't open to it as a possibility.
You would not have called this sex and relationship advice podcaster. You would have called some other sex and relationship advice podcaster. give this a try and then However you feel. Good experience, bad experience. You want to keep fucking this guy for a while. You never want to see this guy ever again. You're mad at me. You're happy with me.
Give us a call. Let us know how it went. We are all going to want to hear from you, whatever you decide to do. And I'm sorry, again, if you called me, you have already decided to do this. So all we're going to need to hear from you is how it went, how you felt. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.
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To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, that's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage. Hey everybody, here is our next installment of After Action Report. After Action Report is a brand new semi-regular segment. where we hear from listeners who've just tried something new. They report back to us on how it went. And you, you get to listen. This time around, we have Andrew who tried going to a jack-off club with his husband for the first time.
So joining us for this After Action Report, Andrew. Andrew, welcome to the Savage Lovecast. Hi, Dan. Great to be here. So what did you try? We tried a jack-off club after hearing about it on the Lovecast. It kind of piqued our interest. It was a complicated situation leading up to it, but tried one of the clubs out in Denver for the first time. And when you say we, you mean you and your whole immediate family, mom and dad. Who's we?
It was a family reunion. No, I brought my husband. I convinced him to join us. After we attended basically the straightest wedding we had ever been to in our lives. It was a dear friend, but we were like the first gay people the extended family had like ever encountered. So we needed to cleanse ourself through the act of communal masturbation. I have been those gays at that kind of wedding. I didn't wind up in a jack-off club afterwards, but I see how that makes sense.
sense i see the progression there so uh you tried it with your husband how did it go it was really fun granted i was i would be instigator so he was a bit more nervous but i was mainly excited because I wanted to show off how well endowed he was. So that actually made him a little nervous.
I was like, you're going to be a celebrity. It's going to be like moths flocking to the light. He was like, I'm not sure I want that. But we went. It's a... really cool space it like feels like a locker room when you're going in and then you basically get on dressed and you you go into a room where you know there are like 30 guys just just going at it in different permutations so
I think like for first timers, there were some just like initial shots like, well, but then it was really easy to get into. I think. All of these spaces have pretty clear rules around like what's in and what's out as well as consent. So that was really nice because it made it very easy to know. what to expect. And I think for a first time experience like that, like managing some of the uncertainty was super helpful. So did your husband's dick land with the thud you hoped it would?
It did. It basically came out, got hard, and then he was off doing his own thing, which is basically exactly what I wanted to happen. It was... cool to see and then like seeing him get into it was also really cool just given how nervous he was at fund I was nervous too but I was more excited you had some idea what a jack-off club would be like after listening to my interview with the guy who runs Seattle Jacks here
on the show was there anything about the experience that was unexpected was there anything that surprised you The amenities. So really nice lube. And then hot towels, which I thought was a really nice touch. But in all seriousness, I think like we... We're all so nervous, like, who's going to be there? What types of guys are going to be there? And it was... Really cool just seeing like the full gamut, like all ages. All sorts of races, all sorts of body type.
People who wanted to do their own thing, people who wanted to be the center of attention. that degree of fluidity made it really fun and it was easy to kind of find a spot where like you could plug in and kind of be with guys that were looking for the same sort of thing. So what was it? Did you cum? Did you ejaculate? Multiple times. Post-net clarity. Post-net clarity when you're doing something for the very first time. This kind of new action.
post net clarity what was it like were you like did you come to in this room and didn't know how to get the fuck out of there or couldn't get out of there fast enough what was post net clarity like in this circumstance so i pain with like a circle of guys around me just like watching and cheering me on and like I had never been supported in that way before so that was that was pretty unique but then the post not clarity was essentially like okay give me five minutes and like
I'm going to go back at it. I'm going back in. We had a flight to catch, so we were watching the clock, and it was like, I think we can get one more load in each before we have to head out. Or one more load out. It was really fast. yep exactly one more loadout well then you've answered my next question which was would you do it again you immediately did it again immediately did it again would certainly do it again i think it'd be fun to check out some of the other clubs in
other cities. A lot of these clubs have pretty nice directories. of other organizations. There's one in Palm Springs that's kind of catching our eye. So I think it's an interesting community. It's one we didn't really realize existed. And it's kind of a neat thing to add into the mix. Like, it's fun because it's so low stake. And no jealousy issues? Seeing your husband jacking off at? Did you jack off with? Did other men touch your dick? Yeah, we each had kind of our own.
That was kind of fun. I mean, we kind of had a... what to expect, jealousy type conversation beforehand. I don't think we were worried about that. But it wasn't your first time. You guys are already open. You already had three ways. Or was this the first time you and your husband messed around with other men? We're kind of on that journey. That was kind of the beginning. But like we...
are going to the Holy Land in a couple of months, Berlin. So we kind of like want to work our way up to like, all right, like a club, like, like laboratory or something like that. Call it lab. Just call it lab. No one calls it laboratory in Germany. You want to say when you get to Berlin, just call it lab. um we won't fit in but last question last question in this after action report any advice for someone out there obviously somebody male or mal-identified probably with a penis who wants to
Try this thing that you and your husband just tried together. Any advice? I think it's really easy to psych yourself out of it. So, you know, obviously listen to yourself. But if you have that curiosity. That's all you need. Give it a try. Like I think. Like I said, you'll find a niche to fit in. Not everyone's like art all the time. Not everyone's going at it all the time. So I think people who are worried about like...
what if I can't keep it hard? What if I don't come? No one's keeping score, so give it a shot. and go with a friend. I always think it's better to go somewhere with a friend to have a, even if the posse is just you and one other person, would you have felt more awkward or uncomfortable doing this for the first time if you'd been solo?
definitely more hesitant it was it was nice having having someone to go with and it was actually really hot seeing people who were who were friends there like more platonic like that was really cool And if you got nervous, you could always run and hide behind your husband's enormous penis.
Exactly. That's my usual coping mechanism. Andrew, thank you so much for joining us for After Action Report. I'm glad this new experience worked out so well for you and your husband, and I hope you guys have a blast. at lab and maybe i'll send you an email privately with some of my lab recommendations
Please do. Thanks. All right. Thank you, Andrew. Thank you, Andrew, for coming on After Action Report. You, you listening right now, if you've tried something new, whether it was a good or bad or unexpected or boring or super weird experience. Tell us about it. Email us at q at savage dot love with the subject line after action report. And you could be our next after action report. Hey, it's Dan. Ever wonder if people can actually change for the better in life, in love, in relationships?
That's the big question this season on Love Letters, a podcast from the Boston Globe, hosted by advice columnist Meredith Goldstein. Guests share real stories from their lives. There's one about a man who realizes that video games have changed the way he dates. There's another about a woman who says she became... Someone knew when she picked up and moved to Italy. One of my favorites is about a couple that finds that a specific kind of therapy changes their whole marriage.
On each episode of this season's Love Letters, Meredith brings listeners real stories of transformation, resilience, and growth. You'll hear from people navigating major life shifts, mending broken relationships, and discovering what it takes to feel better. And again, finding out if they can change.
So get ready to laugh, cry, and maybe even feel inspired to make some changes of your own by listening to or watching the new season of Love Letters from the Boston Globe. Available wherever you get your. Hi, Dan. This is a pansexual cisgendered woman in late 20s living on the West Coast. I have this wonderful partner that I dated for about four months. We've known each other about a year.
And we're open in poly and he left on a long-term work trip. And we talked about it in great lengths before he left. So we didn't want it to be like long distance feeling. I've done that before and I really struggled with that. So we kind of fell into this. Good dynamic where we would have a phone call every couple of weeks and just kind of chit chat and talk about our...
relationships and our sexcapades and what have you. My issue is that lately we have fallen into this communication cycle that just feels super icky.
He's terrible at technology, terrible at texting and says this often. And in the beginning, he would text me back really well. And over time, as you know, as to be expected, I. sort of slipped from that priority which is fine i think there's kind of two things going on here one is that every time i do hear back from him either if i've sent him a voice text or a text
He'll get back to me like within a few days or weeks, which is not unreasonable, but he's always apologizing for how long it took to get back to me, which I just find really irritating because I didn't. set up an expectation around being gotten back to. Like I didn't even really want to maintain constant communication. He was the one that said he wanted to stay in touch and maintain a connection. And that felt great.
He's always apologizing to me for how hectic his life is and how he's partying all the time. And I honestly don't care. I'm like, you go live your life and have a great time and just let me know how it's going. And then it kind of like makes me feel guilty for putting this expectation on him that I didn't put on him. So I don't know where that's coming from. I also think that I am more comfortable dating people that pursue me a little bit more.
And I feel like I'm the one a little bit more in pursuit. You know, it's like it's like I'm usually the first one initiating communication. And it's like when you're the first one initiating sex all the time, then it kind of feels gross. So yeah, any advice on how to break this cycle before he comes back in a few months? Because it would be really nice to be in a good place.
So if I follow, you're annoyed that he doesn't get back to you quicker, but you're also annoyed that he apologizes to you for not responding more quickly. Even though you didn't tell him explicitly that you're annoyed, that sometimes it takes him two or three days to respond to a text or a voicemail. Maybe he picked up on the fact that you're annoyed that it takes two or three days, or maybe he just knows.
that it is considered generally impolite to take that long to get back to somebody, particularly somebody that you're fucking or dating or in a situation ship with that is just, you know, etiquette. The etiquette is that if you leave somebody on red for three days, that that was... a little rude or insensitive or
And consider it. And so he apologizes. He opens with an apology because he knows that even though you never said anything, he knows it's not a problem for you. He knows that it's generally regarded as a problem by others. Not constant, but you're in semi-regular communication with him while he's off on this adventure and he's sometimes too busy to respond right away. And when he does respond, he sometimes opens with that.
perhaps wrote apology that you are self-conscious about receiving because you didn't ask for it. So there you have something to talk to them about. Say, hey, I love to hear from you whenever you have a moment and you think of me, you can send me a text. But I know you're busy. I know you're off having adventures and you have nothing to apologize for. That it takes two or three days for you to get back to me or to think to text me. Nothing to apologize for. Don't waste the text you send me.
or the voicemail you make and send to me on an apology that I didn't ask for and I don't need. I'm just happy to hear from you. Heart emoji, smiley face emoji, chains emoji, whatever emojis speak to you and your relationship. And then maybe he won't feel self-conscious about taking three days and he won't open with that apology that. You didn't ask for and you say you don't need. As for who's pursuing who, all right.
You feel like you're pursuing him, but you're the one right now with more time on your hands. You're the one who's home alone or home with your friends and other lovers and other people around you. And you're not having the kind of jam-packed adventures he's having. And so, yeah, you might think to text him a little more often than he thinks to text you. And if that's making you feel like... Pursuer and not pursued and pursued works for you better than pursuer just.
know what you know about yourself and clock that and think okay the next time he texts I'm not going to text him back first I'm going to wait to hear from him again and then engage with him play i don't want to call that a baby game because i don't think that's a baby game that's just kind of setting the conditions of your interactions in a way that you know work for you erotically and that benefits him as well you know once he gets back in a couple of months which isn't
Speaking as somebody in a long distance relationship, isn't that long to wait to see him again? It sounds like things were easier breezier when you two were in the same place. And so Easy Breezy is coming back. And I think in his absence, you're overthinking.
his text messages and overthinking and putting too much weight on these apologies that he's sending you and then taking offense at the apologies that he's sending you because he didn't ask for those apologies. I'm here to tell you that that kind of apology when somebody sends you a text. Three days after you texted them or a couple of days or even 10, 12 hours after you texted them. Standard text, texting etiquette, particularly with.
People you're dating or people you're in love with or people in relationships with or people you're married Stop making problems out of things that are not problems and enjoy this relationship. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few comments about last week's show from the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Dr. MMK jumped into the comment thread this week to rob me of something precious, a data point.
that seemed to confirm, but might not actually confirm, one of my most cherished priors. Evolutionary scientist here, Dan. Let's retire the idea that copulatory vocalizations, which I've been howling about on the show a lot lately, let's retire the idea that copulatory vocalizations are about attracting other males for better genes. This isn't what's going on with chimps and applying the chimp context to humans is messy and problematic.
And Dr. MMK goes on at great length to explain what's messy and problematic about that theory in a very persuasive post. It's an epic comment, way too long for me to read here, but I wanted to highlight it and invite listeners who aren't yet jumping into the comment threads to go and read that one and all the others, but that one in particular. Says no cute name. Being into fisting doesn't automatically make one a liar and a cheat.
I kind of love that comment, just hanging there out of context. But here's the context caller. Met a new boyfriend at a group fisting play party when he was in a sling. And then that caller got a little bit out of shape when his new boyfriend fisted some other guy behind his back after promising.
to be monogamous to him and his whole. Now, I agree that being into fisting doesn't make someone a liar and a cheat. Some of the finest men I know are into fisting. But I still do think that expecting monogamy from someone you just met He's a little Delulu, as the kids were saying pretty recently. Now, no one should deceive or mislead anyone, of course, but we shouldn't deceive or mislead ourselves.
either. Says Tipsy Pilgrim, first time commenter. Welcome to the commentary at Tipsy about both the orgasm faker and the new relationship person pining for their ex calls last week. Is it really so hard just to be honest? I, for one, much prefer to have a partner that can admit when they haven't climaxed or when they still have feelings to work through about their ex. It's not necessarily a problem in either case, though it's great to know and talk through if needed.
All right, I agree about honesty where orgasms are concerned. Like I said in a recent response in Savage Love, the column, I've been faking it. It's something a man should be able to hear without falling apart. And straight men should be able to wrap their heads around why a woman might fake an orgasm with a new partner and then feel obligated to keep faking orgasm. But I'm not so sure anyone should ever say in the very early stages of a new relationship that they are pining for their ex.
Not to their current. I mean, if I were dating someone and the NRE wasn't enough to make the person I was dating... Not forget their ex, but at least not miss them so much? It would hurt my feelings to be told that in a way that might make it impossible for me to keep seeing that person. Not for having an ex they're hung up on, but for hurting my feelings needlessly. Honesty is great, best policy and all that, but discretion and timing?
Both matter too. All right. For more listener comments, go to savage.love. Click on the latest love cast or column or struggle session. Scroll down to the bottom where my readers and listeners share their thoughtful comments and observations. And sometimes every once in a while.
have better advice for a caller or reader than I do. Check out the comments. Join the convo now at savage.love. And now, some of the voicemails Savage Love listeners left on our answering machine this week about last week's show. This is for the woman who called in with her wife and they have threesomes with guys and she feels bad because the guys always give her wife more attention than they give her.
I think some simple communication could help here with the guy. It would be pretty awkward for you, the caller, to say, hey, you need to give me more attention, so why don't you have your wife get in touch with these guys? You're meeting them online or whatever. Just have your wife send them a message and be like, hey, listen, you know, you really need to give us both roughly equal attention. And I think most guys would be perfectly fine with that. And it's quite a reasonable request.
This is a call in response to episode 964 to the person who is asking people out and not getting any luck. I think that what Dan said was okay, but I think it missed. a really key component that a lot of people who are asking people out are striking out the vast majority of the time, regardless of how...
attractive they are. If you look at especially cishet white men, they don't really let the rejections get them down. They just kind of keep going. Now, some of them take it too far and they don't take no for no. But the energy of being persistent and, all right, this woman didn't like me. I'm going to move on to the next one. That's something that you might have to embrace a little bit, that you're just going to strike out. And so you just get up and keep going.
If you don't like that, then I think what Dan said is really important. Like use Hinge, use the dating apps if you don't really like this sort of striking out aspect of things. I think that what Dan said about... Being outside of unconventional attractiveness might still be a factor, but I also want to really emphasize that no one is scoring the majority of the time. Most people, the majority of the time, strike out. Hi Dan and the tech savvy at-risk youth. This is a 30-year-old.
straight woman from the bay area calling with kind of a light-hearted funny cautionary tale for valentine's day my 70 year old grandma decided to send her 13 year old grandson Candy from Amazon. No big deal. Totally normal. But a few weeks later, she proceeded to purchase some vibrators and dildos from Amazon for herself. And she did not check the address. So she sent the sex toys.
to her 13-year-old grandson instead of her own address, which led to her 13-year-old grandson opening a package full of dildos. from his grandmother and my aunt having to have a very awkward conversation about how everyone experiences pleasure and grandma and grandpa are still having sex. So I just wanted to give everyone a good laugh and remind everyone, especially when you are ordering sex toys, to make sure you check the address.
Leave it there. Got a question for me? Go to savage.love slash askdan to record and upload your question or make a voice memo and email your question or your comment to q at savage.love or you can call us at 206-302-2064. and leave us a message on our answering machine. Savage Love Live this Wednesday, April 30th, noon Pacific. Become a Magnum sub right now at savage.love so you can join us at the show. New York City, Albuquerque, Minneapolis, Bremerton, The Hump 2025.
spring tour. Hump 2025 part one is in you this weekend. for Showtime's tickets and to watch the trailer. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow me on Instagram at Dan Savage and threads at Dan Savage. Follow Dr. Debbie Herbenik at Debbie Herbenik on Blue Sky and get her books including Yes, Your Kid and learn more about her work.
at debbieherbenic.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at risk youth and Nancy. We will all be back at you next week on the installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you.