You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un. All right, maybe we don't do the thing. Some listeners loved do the thing. My proposed slogan for Democrats, something that can fit on a hat. Apparently some voters need to see it on a hat to believe it. But some of you didn't love it, and some of your criticisms were fair. It does come a little close to do nothing and might be easily spoofed.
But some of you kind of seem confused on the whole concept of campaign slogans and what they are and what they're not. Yeah, as some of you pointed out, Donald Trump is certainly doing things, terrible things every day. But all campaign slogans are vague and open to interpretation and need to be defined on the campaign trail by the candidate. Remember, yes we can.
what did obama mean by that yes we can wet yes we can have candy for dinner yes we can have a three-way Yes, we can have a health care plan cooked up by the Right Wing Heritage Foundation as an alternative to socialized medicine. which will then be condemned as a socialist plot by that same Heritage Foundation? If a Democratic president, who happens to be black, should embrace that plan, their plan? Yes, we can. That was Obama's slogan. That was Obama's health care plan.
And Obama, on the campaign trail in 2007 and 2008, he got to define what he meant by yes, we can. I could have run for president on a promise to make America great again and defined making America great again as bringing back 1950s levels of unionization and 1960s top marginal tax rates. You know, in the 1960s, you didn't see billionaires shooting pop stars into space for a reason.
Bring back those top marginal tax rates. That's what I would have meant by make America great again. But I didn't run for president on a promise to make America great again in 2016. Donald Trump did. So he got to define what he meant by that. Or, in 2024, lie about what he meant by that. So the Dem candidate in 2028 will get to define what they mean by their campaign slogan, whatever it happens to be.
If they run on do the thing, a phrase I literally keep hearing liberals and progressives use when they talk about. housing and renewable energy and blocking Trump. So yeah, I'm going to keep pushing, do the thing until someone comes up with something. better. But if and when a Democrat decides to run, then Canada gets to define what they mean by their slogan and the things they intend to do if elected. And hey, I gotta say, it was really nice last week to see a Democratic senator.
Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen, do the thing. He said he was going to fly down to El Salvador to demand a meeting with Kilmar Armando Arbreza Garcia, a Venezuelan immigrant who was denied due process and then... disappeared into a for-profit hellhole torture gulag run by a dictator pal of Donald Trump's. Van Hollen was told, after he said he was going to fly down, not to bother flying down, not to do the thing because he wouldn't be allowed to meet with Garcia.
Van Hollen did the thing. He flew down anyway, and he met with Garcia, and it was huge news. Someone besides Donald Trump, a senator from Maryland that most people had never heard of, dominated the headlines. for a couple of days and drew more attention to Garcia's plight and the plight of hundreds of others. including Andre Jose Hernandez-Ramero.
also rotting in a prison camp in El Salvador, that same torture gulag in El Salvador. He's a gay makeup artist who has denied due process and deported on the word of a corrupt cop. His story is... harrowing and scary. And Trump is threatening to do this to American citizens too. to see Tammy Baldwin, the lesbian senator from Wisconsin, and Richie Torres, the gay congressman from New York City,
Do the thing. Do the same thing. Do the thing Senator Van Hollen did. Get on a plane. Go down to El Salvador and demand to meet. With Romero, if Democratic elected officials all borrowed a page from Van Hollen, if they just went nuts and started doing the thing, including things they were told not to bother doing, just doing all sorts of things. Democratic elected officials might impress voters so much we won't even need a hat in 2020.
All right, Berlin, Montreal, Ann Arbor and Bend, Hump 2025, the spring tour is in you this weekend. New York City, Albuquerque, Minneapolis, Bremerton, you're up next for a full list of cities that Hump is coming to and streaming options. And the trailer. The trailer's amazing. Go to humpfilmfest.com. And Magnum subs save the date. Our next Savage Love Live is Wednesday, April 30th, noon Seattle time.
not a sub and want to come to the next Savage Love Live, become a sub now at savage.love slash subscribe. All right, coming up on today's show on the micro, great questions like, Should someone keep organizing three ways for themselves and their partner when they're doing all the work and their partner's getting all the attention during the three way? And what do you do when a so-called friend pounces on your man immediately after your breakup?
And is faking an orgasm ever okay? And joining me on the Magnum, comedian and author Zach Zimmerman has a new stand-up special coming out today. Me and Zach, we talk about comedy. We talk about a very important rite of gay passage. That first time a younger gay guy pulls your dick out of his mouth and looks up at you with big brown eyes and calls you,
And we give a little sex advice to a woman who's lying, cheating husband, gave her chlamydia, and then lied about that too. Tons of great questions on the micro. My conversation with Zach is for Magnum subscribers only. Become a Magnum sub now at savage.love for the longer podcast, the full column. Savage Love Live, and more. All right, Nancy, hit me with the first question.
This episode is sponsored by HIMSS, affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at HIMSS.com slash savage. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by the iRestore LED face masks for glowing skin. For a limited time, my listeners can save $205, $205 off iRestore face mask with code SAVAGE at iRestore.com. Hi, everyone. I have a beautiful partnership with my partner. We're both bisexual.
And back in the fall, we had a pretty rough time, have since repaired quite beautifully. But back in the fall, I was going through a lot of growing pains, and so was he, and we broke up for a little bit. And while I was in that kind of grief stage of breaking up, I had a friend. who was quite close to me and he helped me through it very much so. And I shared a lot of personal information with him because he's my friend. I was going through a lot.
One of the things that I shared is that my partner, ex-partner at that time, had expressed that he wanted to have sex with my friend. And behind my back, my friend... reached out to my ex-partner at that time to see if they could have sex while my friend is comforting. And I confronted him about it. We had a conversation. I told him I was pretty hurt that he did that behind my back while I was actively grieving my partner. I feel like if he had waited months...
Or like, if we hadn't have gotten back together, there was just no time in between him comforting me through this breakup and then reaching out to my ex-partner at that time. So fast forward. We're eight months back together. I've had a conversation with my friend, but I still just don't trust him. My friend, that is. Am I overthinking this?
I have repeatedly stated, I've gone on the record again and again, arguing against the kind of heterosexual straight land taboo against your friends dating or hooking up with. Friends dating exes is really common in the gay community, really common among lesbians, really common in queer land, in part because We're a tiny percentage of the population. There's so many fewer of us. And there are a view that we don't have the luxury of declaring our exes out of bounds.
to our friends. One of the gay superpowers actually is setting your friends up with your exes and your exes up with your friends. So maybe your gay friend was Operating under a gay cultural norm or thought he was when he reached out. to your temporary ex, your momentary ex, as you were confiding in him, as he was comforting you about the breakup to let him know that, hey.
Just found out that you were interested in me and I'm interested in you and maybe we should make this happen. Yeah, that was... Not okay. You know, there's friends dating exes and exes dating friends and setting your exes up with your friends and vice versa. But that doesn't happen. instantaneously. That doesn't happen in the throes of grief during the breakup. And a friend who you're confiding in?
Yeah, you were sharing with him. You weren't telling him that your then ex-boyfriend, that one of the issues that you two were hashing out was his attraction to your friend. That wasn't actionable intelligence you were offering him. It was... A detail. And your friend thought he was being your friend. You thought he was being your friend. But in that moment, your friend's only real friend was his dick.
He was thinking with his dick, thinking for his dick. He wasn't taking your feelings into consideration. He was only taking his dick's feelings, Juan's knees, into consideration. Yeah. Yeah. Might have been fine. You said it might have been fine if it had, you know, if the breakup had been permanent. It would have been all right with you if your friend had
hit on your X. You hit that maybe it would be all right if your friend had hit on your current now that you're back together again at some point in the indeterminate future. But yeah, what your friend did was very... very deeply shitty, was very opportunistic. It wasn't how a friend behaves in a moment like that, even if a friend is tempted.
If I could have been the little angel on his shoulder at that moment, I would have said, dude, don't do this. Don't slide into your weeping friend's ex-boyfriend's DMs. Not now. And if you had to say something to someone, he could have said to you, oh my God, like, this is awkward because I would totally do your ex-boyfriend. I thought he was hot. And maybe you would have been like, go for it in your grief and your anger.
Or maybe you would have been like, I will kill you if you touch him. Don't you dare. And you could have laughed about it together. But on some level, your friend knew you probably would rule it out or react badly. And so he didn't ask for permission. And now he has come to you. You say you've had a conversation. Come to you.
presumably asking for forgiveness. And I think you can forgive your friend. You can take your friend back. You can chalk this up to dickful thinking, but I don't think you can ever fully trust this friend again. This friend can be your friend, stay in your life, but this friend is not the confidant you thought he was. Hi, Dan. I am a bi woman who is married to another bi woman. We've been together for over 20 years now. We've been ethically non-monogamous for
I don't know, maybe 12 years of our marriage. And I am having a bit of a problem with the way things have been going lately. We enjoy having regular threesomes together. We almost always. share a partner, you know, we'll play together, we'll play separately, and it's usually all good. But the issue I keep having is that these guys will... All of them inevitably end up being more into my wife than they are to me. And it's starting to hurt. Each successive time that it happens, I end up feeling...
More and more like an accessory than anything else. You know, I'm the one that will go on the apps and, you know, talk to these guys and maybe go out with them once or twice. And it'll seem like we have a really good connection, really good chemistry. But as soon as they meet her, they just kind of glom onto her. And I get it. I do. She is. you know, objectively better than me in just about every way. She's better looking. She's smarter than I am. She's more outgoing than I am.
But I can't help but be hurt every time it happens, you know, and I'm trying to work on myself. You know, I've gotten into therapy. I've lost a bunch of weight. I've tried to. be a little bit more confident and assertive and asking for what I want, but I... I just can't help but get my feelings hurt every time this happens. And it does. I swear to Christ, it's every...
single guy. And I'm not mad at her. It's not her fault. She's not doing anything wrong. She's not trying to do this. I mean, I get it. You know, I fell for her. Why wouldn't everyone else? I don't know if maybe I should just give up on sharing a partner with her or... engage in having extras at all. I feel your pain. Kind of sort. My husband is objectively hotter than I am. My boyfriend is hotter than I am. You would think.
because I was already with somebody who was hotter than I was, that if I went out and got another partner, I might just to see what it felt like in the other direction, get another partner who wasn't. As hot as I was, but that's not what I went out and did. So sometimes I have three ways. I'm not a lot of three ways with my husband. Sometimes I have three ways with my boyfriend. And it's always clear in a three way that the other guy.
However polite they might be to me, however involved I am in the action, that they're more into my husband or more into my boyfriend. And you know what? I kind of don't have a problem with that. It doesn't hurt my feelings the way it hurts your feelings when the guys you get out there and land. You say that your wife is the more outgoing one, but you're the one going out and getting all these other men that you guys play with together.
It hurts your feelings when those guys turn out to be more excited, more attracted to your wife than to you. Doesn't hurt my feelings. In fact, I kind of like. Hanging back a little bit. I kind of like not being the focus. I think it just bleeds over my whole personality. I don't like...
Weirdly enough, considering what I do for a living, which is basically attracting attention to myself, I don't like to have my picture taken. I don't like to attract attention to myself. So if I can just sit back and enjoy the show because the other two guys, one of which is my boyfriend or one of which is my husband, is vibing with. Our very special guest star, as long as no one's rude to me, so long as I'm included too, doesn't hurt my feelings the way this hurts your feelings.
So what do you do? Well, doctor, doctor, it hurts when I go like this. Doctor says stop going like that. You can say to your wife, look, this is just. Yeah, it's kind of shredding my ego as it would shred yours if you were on the receiving end of this yourself. And hopefully your wife is sensitive to your feelings, is considerate of your feelings and will understand that. This means no more shared, very special guest stars. When you want some dick, you're going to go out.
Use your skills. You're very good at meeting guys, meeting up with them, charming them, landing them. You're going to go out and do that for yourself alone, one-on-one, you and your wife. Because it hurts your feelings when you go like this are not going to play together anymore. And when your wife wants some dick. She can go find some dick for herself. Let her do that work. You say she's the more outgoing one. Let her go out and get some dick.
On her own. Look, if it turned you on to deliver your wife to these men, if you were a bit of a cut queen with maybe a small humiliation streak. Doesn't turn you on to deliver your wife up to these men. You aren't a bit of a cut queen and you don't have a eensy weensy teeny little humiliation streak. Nothing about this turns you on.
What's not working is going to keep not working, which means you're going to have to do things a little differently. You're each going to have to protect your ego, to protect your feelings. Erectile dysfunction is not a joke. It's a real problem and if you're experiencing it, you should do whatever you can to help your dick work.
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Hi Dan, gay guy here in his mid-50s in Southern California. Was in a committed monogamous relationship for 20 years, married to a man. We separated four years ago. I laid low for about two years. started going out to every party imaginable. found my new sexual adventurous side and the leather scene. Nine months ago, I met a guy in his early 60s at a bar. We had sex in the darkroom. We got together later. The sex was amazing.
I'm invited to my first ever fisting event. In my newfound adventure spirit, I went. While on the sleighing, in walks a six-year-old. He was as surprised to see me as I was to see him. After that weekend, we became inseparable. Every weekend, we were having sex for hours, not fisting, still not there, but everything else.
One weekend, he tells me that he has a friend coming in from Dallas. Clearly, it was a fuck buddy. I told myself we have not spoken about what the relationship was. Feeling hurt, I broke it off with a nice call and a kind text. We ran into each other. He said this guy meant nothing. So he talks me and I'm in.
I said, look, we're grown-ass men. I'm coming out of a long-term relationship. Never been in one. I'm glad to give it a shot. We agreed we would communicate and only play together with others at parties. That was our open. He would stay and do the sweetest things. One night, while he's in me, he started crying and said, I've never felt like this for anyone or had sex like this. He would cook, send flowers, packages, pick me and drop me off in the airport. I was all in.
I became a good friend with his roommate since I was spending four days with my guy at his place. Met his friends, which all were from the fisting community. It seemed like these friends were part of a fraternity of gay men, mostly single, who had or are fisting each other.
where everything goes from making out to group sex. If partnered, you are swapped and shared at parties and outside of parties. They also like they have a superior understanding of sex, where fisting is a journey, they call it. It's more like a big fuckfest. I mentioned to him that I felt like I had met all of his old friends. Fuck buddies. He said he had nothing to do with them now and that it was just social.
We get to December. Christmas, we spend the entire weekend together. While I'm out of town after Christmas, I find out that he is on a fisting site and that he has been with two guys separately. in the four-hour lapses that I had gone to my house that Saturday during Christmas. In the site, you can rate your encounter, date it, and they can rate you. I was totally confused. He denies it happened, and then realizes he cannot, and I break it off.
A few days later, his roommate reaches out. He said this guy is distraught, has been crying for days, and if I would talk to him. I stupidly do, but I take him back. Four weeks ago, he's out of town and on the fisting website publishing his location. And now I break it for good. A few days later, the roommate calls me and apologized for vouching for him in December.
He proceeds to tell me that every time I would leave his place on Monday morning, this guy had one or two hookups daily. It did not matter how they looked or who they were. I'm heartbroken, confused, mad, and disappointed. I have lost all of my newfound sexual spirit. I've discovered through this that even though I was enjoying my newfound sexual freedom prior to this lapsus, once I click with someone, I'm monogamous. Certainly, that was not the case for him.
I've been grappling with all of this. Why the lies? My therapist says it's sex addiction. It was my first relationship after my separation. I was not looking for it. Is it sex addiction? Or is the activity of fisting trying to get as many experiences as possible? The site that he belongs to seems to promote that. I'm having a time with everything. I thought that as mature men, things are handled with integrity. I'm numb for now. reasonable expectations. I think people...
should have, need to have, benefit from having, have more relationship success if they have reasonable expectations. There are a lot of things you can expect from a guy you meet in a dark room when you're in a sling. But monogamy isn't one of them. Even the kind of monogamy with an asterisk, the monogamishimi that you and this guy were practicing. Anogamous, but sometimes played together in groups with other guys.
Something else I think we have a right to expect, a reasonable expectation, is that someone is going to tell us. The truth, especially a grown ass man in his 60s, that if he knew that he could not be monogamous with an asterisk, monogamish in the way that you wanted to be monogamish.
He should have leveled with you. He should have told you, hey, fisting this community of guys who fist, this is important to me. Doing with other guys is important to me. This is how I create community. It's how I find. friends. It's how I lose rings and watches. And I want to be with you, but I want to be honest with you. And so, yeah, I am going to keep doing this.
you would have been able to decide to make an informed decision about whether you wanted to be with him under those conditions, under those circumstances. You had a right to reasonably expect basic honesty and direct communication, and you didn't get it. monogamy from somebody that you met on a sexual adventure. I think maybe you have lingering mononormativity from your previous long-term relationship. And maybe you needed to let that go.
And then this, I guess, wouldn't have been a problem. But what you know now about this guy is that he is prepared to lie to you. He is prepared to lie. To people that he says he loves, he's prepared to lie to someone that in a, what sounds like a thousand different ways, he demonstrated that he loved. Who's going to lie to you like that? Can you be with someone whose own friends and roommates?
Well, I guess lie for him in the clutch and then feel, you know, have a decency to feel bad about doing that and then circle back to the person they lied to. On his behalf? To correct the record? To unburden themselves? Sounds like this guy isn't who he led you to believe he was. And you now know.
You got lied to, you got played, you got cheated on. All right, so he's out of your life. You've broken up with him for good. Don't let... a shitty experience with somebody who in some ways was good to you and in other very important ways was not good to you, rob you of the sense of sexual adventure that you. found in the wake of your divorce, in the wake of the end of your marriage.
So get back out there, get back in that sling, get back on that horse, get back on that forearm and, or attempt to get back on that forearm and enjoy yourself. And when you meet somebody in the future. particularly if you're meeting them when you're in a sling, in a dungeon, at a fisting party, and there's a spark and you want to continue to see that someone go into that relationship with reasonable expectation. Maybe not reasonable to expect the kind of monogamy you were familiar with.
in your previous relationship from someone you met at a sex club, at a sex party. Reasonable to expect honesty. Reasonable to expect... the truth, reasonable to expect respect. And you didn't get that from that guy. That doesn't mean you won't get that or can't get that from some other guy that you might meet in very similar circumstances.
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Please support our show. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. iRestore.com. Use the code SAVAGE to unlock your best skin. Hi Dan et al. I would love your feedback on something. I'm a cis woman. I'm in a relationship with a cis man. We're both in our late 30s. We've been together about five years and we've built what is actually a really good sex life. It didn't start out so great. He still isn't my type physically.
But physically, I am very much his type. So we just kind of had a disconnect there and he was self-conscious and whatever. So what I'm looking for feedback on is... I sometimes fake orgasms. And I know that's like a cardinal sin, you know, for a woman who's having sex with a man, you should never fake an orgasm.
you know, it makes him feel good. And don't we do things for our partner sometimes that aren't our favorite things to make them feel good? Because listen, this feels important. I do still have orgasms with him. Lots of them. And usually in the episode or whatever, when I'm faking an orgasm, when I fake an orgasm, that's not when the sex ends. The sex keeps going. I'm usually... goes to a place where I do end up coming for real right so he thinks I had two which can happen
but I actually just had one. He's great. He's not a listener to the show, but he's still really GGG. I, like a lot of women, have... better orgasms or come more easily if I use my vibrator. And he's so down for that. It's not a problem. All the time, my vibrator comes out while his dick is in me or his fingers or his mouth is involved or he's just there, whatever. And it's all good.
But he, you know, is a straight man and likes the idea of getting me to this point of just having this powerful orgasm with his dick and his dick alone. So I don't usually. act like that happens, but I do every once in a while. Is that really so bad? Is that really going to cause very much harm? Let me know what you think. Are you familiar with the term copulatory vocalizations?
I've written about them recently in Savage Love. Copulatory vocalization is something that primates do. Near relatives and humans, we are also primates. The females of the species do during intercourse. screaming, yelling, making a lot of noise, and it hurries the man along. It has this effect on the male.
It also is one sign that maybe we're not necessarily a monogamous species because other animals, other males of the species would hear a female, engage in copulatory vocalizations and head that direction. And by the time they arrived, the other guy... would be done and the female primate would be perhaps interested in or available for.
Other males perhaps with superior genetic material for her. So it seems to me that if you just think of the noises you make or the sounds you make that he interprets as your first orgasm as copulatory vocalizations. You don't have to feel like you're lying or misleading or pretending because I assume that...
shouted encouragement, which is what copulatory vocalizations are, if it's to get the other partner off or closer. I assume they're genuine, authentic, that you are having fun, right? Yes, that is a 100% correct assumption. Absolutely. Yeah, mostly, well, lesbian porn.
I think it's really helpful and important for opposite sex, straight-ish, straight appearing, straight sex having couples to watch a little gay porn together because it helps straight guys wrap their minds around what it takes to have a simultaneous orgasm. which the bottom who's getting fucked, the gay boy getting fucked, will be stroking his own dick while he's getting fucked. If those guys come together, it's because they were timing it, they were communicating.
The person getting fucked was engaged in perhaps some copulatory vocalizations himself, and they were getting closer together, but there was direct penile stimulation that was coordinated with the anal penetration. to get them there. And, you know, so that's one reason straight people should watch gay porn. Like, oh, you want your partner to come during PIV sex? Here's how that's done. Watch these guys have PIA sex or PIB sex.
And yeah, encourage your partner to use a vibrator to masturbate while you fuck them and they're going to come with you, right? But also what you see during a lot of gay porn is really loud bottoms. who are like, oh yeah, oh yeah, as the top is approaching orgasm, but the bottom isn't necessarily. And they're just shouting encouragement. And the top knows that's what they're doing and is fine with it. So I'd like straight guys to watch gay porn.
And be fine with the woman they're fucking engaged in like encouraging noises that are just. because she wants to help get you there and she's enjoying it. And you have an enthusiastic audience of one who's loving it. And that's not having an orgasm. It's helping you have yours, but it's like... legit and a thing and a hot thing and a sexy thing and a nice thing for the person that you're fucking.
to do for you. You are just like, I don't think I even said all of these things in my question, Dan, and you've nailed it. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm like, I can tell that you like it. male partner of mine when I'm noisy about how much I'm enjoying the sex that I'm having with you. So I'm just turning up the noise, right? And it's not a lie. You're turning up the noise and it's not a lie. If you were hooking up with God.
The problem with faked orgasms, I think, is not so much a faked orgasm in the monogamous or monogamous relationship where you're also getting yours, you're getting off, you know, he thought you had an orgasm, you're asking for a second, but it's actually the first, there's a little sleight of hand or sleight of twat going on there. Right. That's not a problem because the problem I think with faked orgasms is when a woman fakes an orgasm with somebody they're never going to see again.
Or, you know, in a short-term relationship or, you know, serially monogamous relationships. And then that guy gets a false impression of like what his dick can do. And so he's with three or four women in a row who all magically came during PIV sex with no additional clitoral stimulation, no vibrator, no oral, no cunnilingus.
And then he gets to the fifth woman in the series of women he's dated. And she's like not playing that game. She's like, you have to work harder to make me come. He's like, what's wrong with you? Every other woman I've ever been with could come from PIV alone. You're broken. And what actually happened is every other woman he's ever been with.
faked an orgasm. He had no idea they were faking an orgasm. He has no frame of reference, doesn't know what a woman's orgasm really looks like because he's never been in the room with a woman having an orgasm. That's the real problem with faked orgasms as a habit is that it sets other women in the future up for being shamed or scolded or just done wrong by that guy that you're faking an orgasm for now.
And so if this were like a boyfriend or someone you just started seeing, I would say, don't, don't fake orgasms. But shouting some encouragement to the husband, letting him think that you're coming. And then having him like stay in the game to get you off, to give you your actual orgasm. I think that's just. Long-term committed relationships sometimes do and I wish straight people could just be honest about it like watch some gay porn together
And you'll see very loud, noisy bottoms who aren't – the guys topping them know they're not coming because there's nothing coming out of their dicks. They're not ejaculating at the same time. But they get very like into the rhythm and into the noise. And that should be okay. And that's not fake. That's real. When you're like shouting encouragement, you're really having fun, right? Right. Yeah, that's a big part of it. I'm not faking my pleasure.
Right. I may be just slightly overperforming. He thinks I'm all the way to having an orgasm. It's just not quite that that far along. Right. Let him think that. I mean, ideally you could level with him about that. fucking the shit out of me and I'm making these sounds because you're pounding me and like you make sounds when you get fucked like guys who've never been fucked don't know that you genuinely make noises when you're getting fucked that aren't necessarily like orgasmic
vocalizations and shouting and screaming, but like, it's not nothing and you're doing it. You're giving me this like, ah, experience. And I wish like. I wish all straight guys had to watch tons of gay porn in sex ed classes to understand how paradoxically how women's bodies work because all the penises is a great big clit and if you want somebody to come at the same time you're coming in them you gotta be hitting that clit or that dick
In coordination with the person that you're fucking or you're not going to come at the same time. Can you, have you ever like used the vibrator while he's fucking you and come with him? Like every time. Yeah. Like the fake orgasm that happens only sometimes, right? Less than 10% of the time.
Comes and goes. Oh, you have nothing to feel bad about. Almost every time vibrator comes out, I come with the vibrator and his dick in me or his fingers or something. And it's good. Okay, thank you. I was just having a hard time jibing that. advice that applies to hookups, right? Or the beginning of sex with people like don't fake an orgasm. Don't teach that man that that's giving orgasms to you or other women with what is actually a different situation with my long-term partner.
And sometimes to give a pass to women, sometimes women will fake an orgasm with a guy because they want to get it over with. They want to hurry him along. And they're done. And they know that this is the key, right? That if like they sound like this, if they give him the impression that he's going to wrap it up. That's a legit reason, I think, for someone to fake an orgasm. But like once in a while.
but not routinely and not with guy after guy after guy. You want to be always the woman who's like, look, this is what it takes. And sometimes people want to have sex without coming. There are times I have sex with my partner and I don't come and that's fine. Like you don't always have to come. Sometimes you just want to. give or receive you just want to like do it for your partner and like you're fine you don't need yours now but you'll get yours eventually but like
Yeah, it's the regular routine faking of orgasms and the impression that can give a guy falsely about his dick being magic. And that's what you want to fight against. But you don't have to worry about that in the context of your committed relationship, of your marriage. That's great, Dan. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Thank you for listening to the Lovecast and thanks for calling in. I appreciate it.
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Hey Dan, I just had a question about kind of how much to tell like a new boyfriend about going through a breakup. So I recently broke up with a guy about Five or six, five weeks ago. Very odd breakup. Good guy. I know long term it wasn't going to work, but that doesn't mean a breakup is easy. I've started seeing this new guy who is really quite great and very intentional and communicative, all the good things. And he'll sometimes ask me, like, how am I doing?
And I do have days that I'm still struggling kind of with the breakup, but I don't know how much to tell this new guy because... I just don't know how much it matters to them. He seems very genuine about wanting to know how I am and how I'm doing, but is that something that you just don't bring up? You know, I'll talk to my girlfriends or whatever about that. But like it is something that sometimes like affects me with him on a day if I'm like. kind of still remembering or missing like my
So I don't know, just kind of asking about like how much to bring that up to this new person or to keep it separate. When someone you're seeing now asks you what you're thinking or what you're... feeling sad about, if they detect you feeling sad. And what you're thinking about is your ex and how heartbroken you are that that relationship ended. And what you're sad about is your ex.
lie your fucking face off that is a moment when not only is it in your best interest to lie it's the polite kind thing to do to lie lie your fucking face off yeah no no no you don't tell someone you're dating now how sad you are that the relationship you used to be in the relationship that if you were still in
Would mean you couldn't possibly be dating them. That you missed that guy. You missed that relationship. That you're sad about that relationship ending. No. No. You confide that shit in a friend. You don't tell that to the person. You're dating now, which is not to say that a time won't come when you can't tell the guy you're seeing now how sad you were.
at the beginning of your relationship about the collapse of your previous relationship you tell that to that person that you're dating now when you've been together for years you can circle back and say yeah i was still when we met kind of carrying a torch For my ex, but of course I had the good sense.
Not to say anything to you about that. That's not something you would have wanted to hear. It would have damaged our relationship if I'd blurted that out to you. If I'd answered your questions about why I seem sad at that moment, honestly. So I lied my fucking face off as I should have.
And now here we are three years later and I'm so in love with you. I don't even remember my ex's name. That's when you tell the person you're seeing now about the fact that you were sad about your ex when you've been together. forever, when you've been together for a long time, when it's clear that they're the one that you want to be with and that you're glad to be with and you're glad the relationship you're in before them.
fell apart because you wouldn't be with them if you had stayed with your ex. That's when you can tell the guy you're seeing now about how you're feeling or how you felt past tense about your ex. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few comments about last week's show from the very lively comment threads at savage.love.
Lots of people on Instagram seem to like my suggestion for a slogan, a campaign slogan for the Democratic Party that would fit on a hat. Do the thing. More critics, however, in the comment threads for the show, says Jeremy. I agree the left needs a concise slogan, but do the thing isn't resonating with me. As Dan mentioned, it's ambiguous what the thing is referring to. All campaign slogans are ambiguous. You can't fit a party platform on a hat.
Back to Jeremy. Then once you know, it sounds more like a critique of current democratic leadership rather than a rallying cry or vision that could unite us. Well... Well, it kind of is a critique of current democratic leadership, perhaps an overdue one, or you could look at it as an invitation to new and better democratic leadership. Says RVA Pilot, do the thing. I don't know what the slogan for a hat should be.
But the action Dan mentioned, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro doing the thing and repairing I-95, was possible because that's a federal highway and Shapiro had a partner. in the Biden administration. Sorry, Dan, but finding and removing veto points, which you called for, is easier said than done because it's usually citizen participation in a process that are the biggest veto points. You know, one of the most persuasive arguments in abundance as recline in Derek Thompson's terrific new book.
is that there are too many citizen participation veto points in the process, and liberal reactionaries... have weaponized those veto points to block progress on things we desperately need. Liberal priorities like more housing, green energy, and high-speed rail. Finally, it says Delta, do the thing, lowercase, do the thing. That's great, Dan. but do the thing, uppercase, the thing, that could be mistaken for fucking the 1982 movie monster.
The Thing was the name of John Carpenter's movie from 1982. The titular thing, the monster in the thing, was a shape-shifting alien that could take on the appearance of any life form. It consumed. Basically, the thing could at will make itself look like anyone it ate. And I don't know. Thucking the thing might be fun. I mean, if the thing agreed only to eat people you thought were hot and promised never to eat you.
That wouldn't not suck if your boyfriend could turn into Mike Faced and Matt Balmer and Leo Lewis all in one night. All right. To read more listener comments, go to savage.love. Click on the latest Lovecast or column or struggle session. Scroll down to the bottom where you'll find my readers and listeners sharing their thoughtful comments. And sometimes every once in a while. My readers, listeners may have better advice for a caller.
or letter writer than I did. Check out the comments and join the convo right now at savage.love. And now some of the voicemail Savage Love listeners left on our answering machine about last week's show. Hi Jan, this is a response to episode 963 to the caller who was a little unsure about her friend who had just come out as Pan having a coming out party. One thing that I wanted to mention is that as weird as the coming out party might feel,
I do think that it does offer a form of visibility. And you talk about bi and pan visibility all the time. If bi or pan people are... you know, marrying into relationships that might make them look heterosexual based on the pairing, they might have the assumption from lots of people that they are not bi or pan. I do think that this party is a way of sharing with a wide number of people that she does identify as pan. And as someone who is bi but is married to a man, I...
Kind of like the idea of having a party like that because I think that there are a lot of people in my life who don't know that I'm bi. might be surprised and even just like sending that invite out to them would have informed them of this instead of having to do it. on the side, one-on-one conversations every single time you talk to somebody. So I just wanted to make a case in defense of this person that she is...
In some ways, yes, benefiting from all of the history that has come before her and all of the hard work that people who have come out. had to endure, but she's also, you know, making an effort to make her sexual orientation known to other people, and I think that that is worth applauding even if going to this party might still seem a little bit weird.
This is a response call for the queer woman in episode 963 who was trying to figure out where sudden revulsion towards her male partners was coming from. Caller, are you tracking your cycle? This might offer some insight. Hormones can have a massive effect on attraction, and you might find that this disgust towards your AMAB partners is during the latter half of your cycle, particularly in the luteal phase after ovulation has occurred.
If you're not tracking your cycle, give it a try. It might help you better anticipate and manage these feelings. In the discussion regarding poppers, your contributor suggested that you could dispose of your poppers by throwing them down the sink or down the toilet. I wouldn't suggest you do that because of the detrimental effects that that can have on the marine environment.
What I would suggest you do is simply let your poppers evaporate, or you can take them, if it's safe for you to do so, of course, to your local recycling centre, where your local authority will dispose of them safely. along with other chemical waste. Got a question for me? Go to savage.love slash askdan to record and upload your question directly onto our website, where you can make a voice memo on your very own phone.
by sending it to q at savage.love or you can give us a call at 206-302-2064 and leave us a message. Montreal, Ann Arbor, and Bend Hump 2025. The spring tour is in you this weekend. Berlin, I'm in you too. New York City, Albuquerque, Minneapolis, Bremerton, Washington. You are up next. For a full list of cities that Hump is coming to this spring, go to humpfilmfest.com where you can order tickets, watch the trailer, and if Hump isn't coming to a city near you, stream Hump 2025.
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Terrific new stand-up special, Surprise Me, premieres on YouTube today. Go and watch. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and the tech savvy at-risk youth. And Nancy, we will all be back at you next week when the installment of the... Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.