Before we start this week's show, I just want to say our hearts go out to everyone in the Los Angeles area who's been affected by these wildfires which are still burning. People have lost their homes, loved ones, possessions, pets.
I know people in LA are really pulling together right now. A special shout out to my friends in LA who've opened your homes to people who've lost theirs. Terry and I made a donation to World Central Kitchen, which is feeding firefighters and displaced people in LA right now. and to the Wildfire Recovery Fund at the California Community Foundation. I recommend both of these charities. If you're in a position to help, please do. Okay, now we're going to start the show.
if you're stuck in a relationship quandary or if you're looking for sexual harmony The feast of the ice! Happy Feast of the Ass to all who celebrate. I've heard from people, I've heard from listeners who are having special Feast of the Ass parties tonight, where they will be exchanging glazed bundt cakes, the traditional Feast of the Ass treat, and...
spending the day or spending the evening or the night with loved ones or sitting on the faces of loved ones. For those of you who aren't caught up on your love casts, for those of you who missed the show that came out on Christmas Eve, December 24th. and my interview in that show with medieval historian Dr. Eleanor Janaga. Quickly, to summarize, the Feast of the Ass was an annual holiday, a feast day celebrated by Catholics, and this was a...
at a time when all Christians were Catholics, you know, what my grandma called the good old days. And this holiday was ostensibly held. The excuse for it was... the flight of the Holy Family into Egypt after King Herod ordered the execution of all boys under age two in Bethlehem when he heard that a king had been born in Bethlehem.
Mary and the baby Jesus, with Joseph at their side, fled into Egypt on the back of a donkey, an ass, and the holiday officially celebrated the donkey's role in saving the life of baby Jesus. who his father sent down to earth to die for our sins, but not yet, later. Three decades and change later. But really, as Dr. Yonaga explained to us,
On the show, December 24th, the Feast of the Ass was a party for people who needed a party in mid-January. The Feast of the Ass fell off the calendar centuries ago, which left us without a festive holiday to look forward to between Christmas and Saturday. Valentine's Day. So we decided here at the Lovecast to bring back the Feast of the Ass.
And to do that, to make the Feast of the Ass a proper modern holiday in our proper modern calendars, we had to give it the trappings of modern holidays, the things they all share, the four M's, as I like to call them, merch, munchies, mascots. and music. I arranged for the first three M's. We're selling Feast of the Ass t-shirts and hats at savage.love slash shop.
It's not a holiday under late stage capitalism if someone isn't selling you shit. So until Target and Walmart decide to get in on the action, we will be selling you feast of the ass shit. It's too late, of course, to get your feast of the ass hats or t-shirts for this. year, but you can order hats and t-shirts right now for next year and wear them all year long to help raise awareness before Feast of the Ass rolls around again in 2026.
Munchies, got that covered. Glazed bundt cakes are the traditional feast of the ass treat because I said so. And we've been encouraging people to order their feast of the ass cakes at sissycakes.com. But in a pinch, sticky buns and donuts. Also acceptable Feast of the Ass treats. And of course, I created a mascot for Feast of the Ass, Buddy, the Feast of the Ass donkey. Buddy is to Feast of the Ass, what Peter Rabbit is to Easter, and Cupid is to St. Valentine's Day. And Buddy...
as a girlfriend, Rose. Rose and Buddy. But the last M, that last M, it was the most problematic M for me. Music. I love musicals, but I am not a musical person. I couldn't write a Feast of the Ass song. on my own. So we challenged our listeners just three weeks ago to come up with, to write, to compose, to sing and record. Feast of the Ass carols. And boy, did you, our listeners, did you ever come through so many great, hilarious, amazing Feast of the Ass carols. We can't...
play them all here, but I tell you what we are going to do. I'm going to play snippets from three or four or five of my favorite submissions, and I'm going to share an amazing discovery. found in the collection of medieval music manuscripts at the Bodleian Library at Oxford. Now, we've already played one of the submissions, The Feast of the Ass Hymn, which we played at the top of the show, written and performed by Daniel Mertzluft. Excellent job, Daniel. Very moving. Love the hymn.
But hands down, my favorite Feast of the Ass Carol submissions were the ones that captured... The quality of those songs written for Rankin and Bass, stop-motion animated Christmas specials made during my childhood that we all imprinted on, shows like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Here is the ballad of Buddy the Ass from Matthew Hardy.
Jolly and fat, round and hairy, stubborn but sweet. A good friend of Mary who was heavy with child, but he carried that lass. Talking about Buddy. Buddy the ass. His pink, rosy cheeks spread wide when he's smiling. Gives you a wink, you'll find quite beguiling. He likes cucumbers. Better than grass. Buddy is hungry. Buddy the ass. Buddy is friendly. Patient. and hoping knows good things will come to an ass that is open open to friends alright
Matthew loses a couple of points for getting the lore wrong. Mary wasn't heavy with child when Buddy carried her into Egypt. Jesus was an infant already born. But otherwise, perfect feast to the ass carol. Matthew, four stars. Another great example in the Rankin and Bass style, asses are for feasting from the amazing Jack Leshner and Andy Monroe. Way back when in Bethlehem wonders came to pass. See the blessed virgin sitting on her ass.
See the humble carpenter riding his as well. Two heroic donkeys hear the tale they tell. All asses are for feasting. Everybody knows. Think of Donkey Buddy. Think of Donkey Rose. Trekking through the desert. Waiting for a treat. asses off for feasting let's eat oh my god i love the callback at the top of your number
Jack and Andy to I'm Mr. Heatmiser from The Year Without a Santa Claus, another Rankin and Bass classic. Four stars. Love it. Next up, also in the Rankin and Bass style, Pat Pat from Al Fisher. All year long we had to wait. Now it's time to celebrate. Grab your bundt cake, have a blast, the feast of the ass. Ass is left and ass is right, thrusting front and back all night. Front, back, front, back, not too fast, the feast of the ass. There's Buddy, the donkey and Rose.
They dance on their toes or fall to their knees like church. Sew down your T's and festive merch. So much fun. Love it, Al. Love it so much. Four stars. Then there's this delightful. Celtic, tinged, real, love the ass from the amazing singer-songwriter and past Lovecast Live guest, Shirley Gnome. Hark the hawing, hear the sound. The holy house rides into town. Celebrate by going down. Now it's time for feasting. But he is our donkey muse. She also likes taking
All right, we're moving into an entirely different style here. I love this one. It's called No One Goes Hungry from singer-songwriter Stefan Wiener. It's in the style of a folk rock Christmas carol from one of those 1970s TV Christmas specials, maybe something John Denver might have sung with the Muppets. When Jesus was just a wee baby, Mary and Joseph set out from Bethlehem riding to Egypt.
with the angels singing from the clouds. So today we honor that safe passage with a celebration so unique. down for the winter in between each other's cheeks oh no one goes hungry Thank you, Stephen or Stephan. Forgive me if I mispronounce your name. Amazing work, love. No one goes hungry at the fabulous Feast of the Ass. And finally, there is this amazing find. Turns out...
One piece of music survives from actual Feast of the Ass celebrations centuries ago. A madrigal that might have been played at Feast of the Ass parties after Feast of the Ass church services were over has come down to us. Oh, the ass or oh, le cool in the original French was discovered in the archives of the Baudelian library at Oxford University. We had it translated into English and we may have taken some liberties with the lyrics here and there. We had to work in.
and rose and bundt cakes. And we are so proud to bring it to you, Oh the Ass, performed for us here by the Calipygians. With child and yet but still a lass Her virgin tongue He told us who was to come prepare for the Feast of the Acts. Born on a beast, we honor, we feast, for the lowly donkey called Buddy. He and dear Rose, the companion he chose, who bare the Lord's load bright and runny. Such a sweet, sturdy ass. Steadily he did steer her into the rear of the manger where...
She did lay With a hee-haw and pray When came light of day Our Savior was born So he came The joy now we take. All frosted with white like the snow But more than a treat The ass we must eat To remember the donkey And show the hours. Remember. Can we prepare for what was laid bare on that most holy evening? Being for best to receive him Happy Feast of the Arts. Thank you to the Calipygians for that recording.
Oh, the ass for bringing that ancient madrigal back to life. And there are more people wrote and submitted so many great feast of the ass. carols. We were blown away by the response. I can't play them all here, but we are going to make a collection available. Our top 10 Feast of the Ass Carol submissions. to listen to them, to hear all of Pat Pat and Asses Are for Feasting and Love the Ass and more, go to savage.love or check out the show notes for this episode where you will find the link.
And you know what? At the end of today's show, at the very end, after the outro music is over, we're going to play our favorite... Feast of the Ass song are number one in its entirety. To find out who hit number one on the Feast of the Ass charts, be sure to keep listening after the outro is over.
All right, coming up today on the Lovecast, tons of your Q's, lots of my A's, and joining me on the Magnum, author, podcaster, and substacker Rebecca Wolfe is here to talk with me about the new Nicole Kidman film, Baby Girl, which is doing for Light DS. play what 50 Shades of Grey did for hardcore BDSM mainstreaming the conversation. Wolf is on the magnum that you can subscribe to at savage.love but we've got tons of great stuff for you micro listeners too and it all starts now.
This episode is brought to you by Blueland. Going eco has never been easier. Revolutionary refillable cleaning essentials, eliminating single-use plastics. Right now, get 15% off your first order by going to blueland.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Foria. Foria, makers of Awaken Arousal Oil, Intimacy Melts, and Sex Oil. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com slash savage and using code savage at checkout.
This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it. Hello, Dan. Long time fan from Canada here chiming in about your choice of foods to celebrate the Feast of the Ass. I have to say, I really don't think bundt cakes are the way to go. So if you'll just indulge me and feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt or maybe even a chocolate sprinkle.
But I think that bun cakes are a little bit too niche, a little bit too hard to come by. We need something that's accessible for the people. So I propose donuts. Like asses, you can find them anywhere. They're affordable and they are quite delicious. So I think that that should be the food that we use to celebrate the feast of the ass, especially if you want to make that holiday pretty mainstream. Give the people what they can easily access.
You know, it's a humble food, not unlike that mythical little donkey that carried that mythical little virgin into Bethlehem. I've definitely met my share of assholes. And for the most part, I stay well away from them. But I gotta say, I never met a donut that I didn't want to eat. You make a persuasive case for donuts as the feast of the ass treat. I rise in defense of the humble, not at all elitist, this is the cake pan of Midwestern church ladies, the humble bunt cake. When...
A holiday rolls around. There are special treats associated with that holiday that usually have to go to some effort to make or track down or buy the... fruitcake, those Christmas cookies. There's a kind of Christmas cookie I make for my family every year. Never make it the rest of the year because it's a huge pain in the ass. Christmas, I do what I need to do to make those vanilla ribbon cookies, the Santa cookies.
for my family. And I think for fees to the ass, you can go out of your way to make that bundt cake. But if you don't have access to a bundt cake or a simple bundt cake recipe, I'm going to share one actually. struggle session this week that a reader sent in for Feast of the Ass Celebrants, you can go with donuts. Or donuts can be a Feast of the Ass treat too, so long as they are not.
covered in chocolate sprinkles or chocolate icing. People, somebody just wrote in and suggested that the feast of the ass treat should be those little chocolate stars. They're kind of a candy that your grandmother might have had on hand, little piped chocolate stars. No, no, no, no. We're not invoking somebody said the...
Tunnel of fudge bundt cake should have been the beast of the ass bundt cake instead of the glazed orange. No, we're not associating fudge or chocolate or chocolate sprinkles or chocolate frosting or chocolate icing or chocolate filling. Most importantly, chocolate filling with. The feast of the ass for reasons that are so obvious I shouldn't have to explain them again. So yes, donuts. Cake donuts. Maple bars. Although that maple frosting looked a little bit like Santorum. Gotta say, donuts.
not chocolate donuts, in a pinch. If you can't, go to the effort to obtain sissycakes.com or bake a bundt cake for your feast of the ass, sweetie. I will allow it. I will allow donuts. Hi, Dan. I'm having a really bad New Year's Eve. My best friend in the world joined the Navy about... six or seven years ago. And while he was out on a ship, I can only imagine he got involved with the local Christian contingent there.
He then, about two years ago in June, posts a message about him no longer being gay. It did not go well between us. I honestly think he kind of wanted it not to go well, in part because he knew how I would react, and in part because I think... He saw continued contact with me as being a threat to his heterosexuality and his standing in the church he was involved with. It hurts.
It still hurts even now. And I just need tonight, because my depression is acting up, I just need, I don't know, something I can listen to. in the future remind me that things will get better. It's been seven years since your friend joined the Navy and a couple of years after your friend, your best friend joined the Navy.
Somebody got to him, something got to him, decided he wasn't gay anymore, proving that actually it's being straight or straight identified. That's the choice. And your best friend ain't your best friend anymore. Or that best friend isn't your best friend. anymore. That happens. Life is long. People enter our lives. They're important to us. Ideally, hopefully, if shit works out, they're important to us for the rest of our lives, all of our lives, but
People leave our lives. People exit our lives. Marriages end. Friendships end. People change. People aren't static. And what might have made somebody the right person? to be in your life at the right time and the right best friend for you at a certain time in your life that person may not be that person all their life or all your life and so my pep talk i'm not going to tell you
it gets better. I am going to tell you it gets better, but you know how it gets better. We got a video submission to the, it gets better campaign. One of the first ones, and I loved it so much. And it was this. Latina person who looked at the camera and said, it doesn't get better. You get stronger, get stronger, get stronger.
You sleep with men. Man up at some point. Just get stronger about this. Try to put this in perspective. And be grateful to the universe that this person was a part of your life. when they could be a part of your life, when they were emotionally healthy enough to be a part of your life, and they meant something to you. And you can treasure that memory and you can treasure that time. This relationship, this friendship.
Was one day going to end ended sooner than you might've liked it to end because your friend joined the Navy and lost his fucking mind and his moral compass. And you can't control that. And I recognize you're having big feelings about it. I honor your big feelings, feel your big feelings, and then turn your attentions away from this person. and what they meant to you and how devastated you were by this, what you felt like a rejection, and maybe he targeted it at you.
personally as a rejection. Maybe he made you a symbol of his homosexuality and attacked you. I don't know what that message he sent you or made public was like, but what can you do? Literally nothing. You can do nothing except turn your attentions and affections toward people in your life who make you feel whatever the opposite of this feeling you're having right now is. Focus on...
them, other people in your life, better people in your life, people who deserve your attention and affection and emotional energy in a way that this guy no longer does. So yeah, there's my pep talk. It gets better. When you get stronger, TikTok, time to get stronger. This episode is brought to you by Blueland. Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown away each year? And if that's not bad enough, most cleaning formulas are 90% water.
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Get 15% off your first order right now by going to blueland.com slash savage. You won't want to miss this. Blueland.com slash savage for 15% off. Your skin will thank you. The earth will thank you. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Blueland.com slash savage to get 15% off. Hi Dan, is there a respectful way to ask a woman you're dating to gain some weight? I'm a 30-year-old guy dating a 24-year-old woman. We're both queer and live in a major city.
We've been dating for a couple months and things are overall great. She's kind, considerate, beautiful, and GGG. I really like her and enjoy listening to her and her company. And she's expressed she really likes me too. The issue is she's fairly skinny. And it's been getting more challenging for me to convince myself to have sex. even though I love other forms of physical intimacy with her. I'm not a gym rat per se, but I've been working out all my adult life, but I've never...
really had an issue about that in dating. And I've dated folks from different gender spectrum, height, background, and I guess to a decent degree size. But I've never dated anyone with this low of BMI. When it comes to problem solving, I've limited my masturbation to once a week to build up my desire. And I've always limited my porn consumption and social media use to not let it distort my...
thinking and unrealistic expectations of how bodies are meant to look like. I've casually asked her about her relationship with food to make sure she doesn't have a history of eating disorder. And when we're together, I either buy lots of food or cook for us and I have her take the leftovers. So she has food to eat when she's not with me.
So recently she asked me if I want to become monogamous. And even though I'm not seeing anybody else, I asked for some time to think about it because I'm worried this issue will not resolve on its own. Our relationship so far has been very much based on the campsite rule. And the last thing I want is to say or do something hurtful.
So is there an appropriate way to ask her to be more intentional about her diet and maybe start exercising? Or is that not an appropriate request and I should end this otherwise wonderful relationship? So this woman, this woman you like, this kind woman, is so skinny, you don't want to fuck her. You're not that attracted to her. She's so not your usual physical type.
that you're having to game your systems in order to build up any interest in getting with her sexually. You're avoiding porn, you're not masturbating, so that when you do see her... You'll be so desperately horny that you will fuck her anyway, even though she's not your type. It's fine to have a type. It's fine to have physical... It is not fine to attempt to mold people into your type to try to force them to become the physical person or type, the body.
that you usually get with or are attracted to. It's only been a couple of months. I think the kindest possible thing you can do in a situation like this is just recognize that it's not... working out for reasons that aren't yours to attempt to control. You don't get to retrofit this woman. You don't get to edit or change or blow up or inflate her body. to suit you, to fit into your erotic narrative or work with your erotic imagination about the body type that really like...
gets you going. If a particular body type is necessary for you to experience arousal and be intimate with someone or there's... one or two physical types that are libido killers for you. Go seek that physical type that arouses you and don't date people.
that are a physical type that doesn't arouse you because you will eventually find yourself in this position where someone's made a minor let's not overestimate this it's only been a couple of months somebody's made a minor emotional investment in you and has begun a couple months in to start thinking of this relationship as having legs, skinny legs, potentially long-term. And it's just not going to work out. It's not going to work out for reasons that...
You shouldn't rake yourself over the coals about. You gave it a chance. You gave her a chance. You gave Skinny a chance. And it's just not working for you. And if you're at the point where you're like, my options here are. avoiding porn, trying to build up enough of an erotic charge of self-denial and desperation that I'll want to fuck her, or tricking her into eating more than she would otherwise normally eat in an effort to...
Make her ass bigger for me. Yeah. The right thing to do in a situation like that is say, hey, look, I'm really sorry. I really like you. I hope we can be friends. That's the queer superpower. A lot of queer people's friends are people that they briefly dated or even dated for a long time. I hope we can be really good friends, but I don't think that this is going to work out. And it's not your fault and it's not my fault. Her body, unless she is seriously unhealthy and requires an intervention.
Because she does have an observable eating disorder, in which case you need to link arms with family or friends, people you probably haven't met eight weeks into this relationship. But if it's just this is her natural body type and she's just a slim person. thank her for her service, and end the relationship. And keep your feelings about the inadequacies of her body to yourself. That's the sort of thing, even if...
You're breaking up with somebody and they ask you for the real reason. If the real reason is something that once they've heard, they can't unhear and is likely to... Stay with them in a way that could do them long-term damage, that could make it impossible to feel comfortable naked in front of anybody else ever again. You don't say that thing out loud even if it's the truth, even if they beg you for the truth. Sometimes the loving fucking thing to do...
is lean on the white lies that are available to us all. It's not you, it's me, it's not the right time for me, blah, blah, blah, whatever, and spare this person. Because she's going to feel like it's her fault. And if there's nothing wrong with her body, if she's not unhealthy, if she doesn't have disordered eating, it's not her fault. It's yours.
And it's not your fault either. It's just like how you're wired sexually and erotically. You tried to make this work. It's not going to work. And you end it. That's how you honor the campsite rule. You honor the campsite rule by sticking the dismount, by leaving someone in better shape. Then you found them. Be kind. Lean on the white lies. Wind this relationship down. Don't wind it down. End this relationship. That's honoring the campsite rule.
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slash savage for 20% off your first order. I recommend trying their new massage oil combined with their awaken arousal oil. You can and will thank me later. Hey, Dan, Nancy, and tech savvy at Risk Youth. I am a 35-year-old cis woman. So the guy I am currently hooking up with, the sound he makes when he comes. is so off-putting. It is just weird and gross and extreme. Luckily I usually come before him, but man, the sound he makes is really terrible.
Should I just deal with it? I mean, what would I just say? Please help. It's really starting to get to me. I'm going to be talking to Rebecca Wolfe at the end of this episode about... Nicole Kidman's performance in Baby Girl about the movie Baby Girl. One of the things that's really remarkable about Baby Girl is there are the orgasms Nicole Kidman pretends to have. with her husband. And then there are the orgasms she actually has when she masturbates or later in the film when she...
first has an orgasm. Oh my God. This is such spoiler alert shit. Spoiler, spoiler, skip ahead. If you don't want to hear details of baby girl, if you haven't heard, haven't seen baby girl yet, everything I'm talking about happens in the first two minutes. So I'm not giving much away.
But there are the orgasms Nicole Kidman's character has. Romy is the character's name when she's pretending to have an orgasm. And then the orgasms she actually has where she makes these weird guttural animal gross grunting. where she loses control. And it's one of the messages of the film that women are not allowed to be animals like that.
And so your question is about a guy and the weird sounds a guy is making. And what I want to tell you is people are allowed to make whatever sounds they need to make, want to make, do make. They're not in control of those sounds necessarily. just like we're not in control of the faces we make when we're climaxing and you kind of have to be okay with it you can get used to it you can actually do a little pivot where you invest in it because
This is how my lover sounds when I have gotten my lover there. And it may feel strange or off-putting at first if you're with somebody new and they make some. crazy fucking face crazy fucking sound you will get used to it you will acclimate in time you can make a conscious decision to open up to a positive association to positively associating positively correlating those sounds that face with pleasure your pleasure and if you came first you got yours but also your capacity to give them
pleasure. And you will, with a little effort, a little intentionality, you will begin to perceive what now is off-putting as the win it actually is. And evidence of this person's comfort level with you, that they can be vulnerable like that with you in the moment and make those fucking gross, crazy fucking sounds when they're blowing their load. This episode is brought to you by Field. It seems like so many of my listeners are talking about and using Field these days and with good reason.
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Hi, Dan. I'm a huge fan of your show and I'm reaching out for some advice. I'm a West Coast mom of two amazing stepkids and my youngest is a queer teenager who's struggling to understand sex and dating. I'm worried about how he's going to navigate the world. and I'm looking for ways to help him prepare. When should I have this conversation? What tools do you recommend? How do I approach the conversation around PrEP? Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Now. Now is when you start talking to your gay son about sex, gay sex, and crap. Your son is not going to want to talk with you about any of those things. So. It's your job as the parent to figure out what it is you think your son needs to know and then sit him down. And he's going to say, mom, I already know this. I don't need, you don't need to tell me. But they're going to say that whether they know it or not. And you have to push through it. What you say to them is like.
Of course you're going to say that to me, that you know all this, that you don't need to talk to me about it, you don't need to hear it from me. But that's what all kids say because they want to get out of this conversation. So I need to tell you anyway, because you might not know any of this.
And I need to know for sure that you know it. And so the longer you fight me on having this conversation, the longer this conversation takes. You want this conversation to end? Let's have this conversation. without a lot of wrestling about it what does your son need to know well if he's sexually active if he's having sex with men he needs to get on
Prep. He needs to know that he doesn't have to go on prep right now if he wants to use condoms. He also has the outer course option, which is if he's very young and sexually active, he's dating. When the guy says or when he says to the guy, what are you into? He is allowed to say, I am not into anal. And he can remove any risk of HIV without having to get on PrEP for now and reserve.
Big boy butt sex for later when he's a little bit older, when he's a bigger boy. And mutual masturbation, oral sex, they are sex. And they are good sex. And despite the perception. that a lot of gay people, young gay people, inexperienced gay people get from gay porn or they get from sex ed materials targeting gay and bi men.
Really, most of the sex adult gay and bi men have most of the time is oral and mutual masturbation, which present very little risk of HIV transmission. Risk for all the other sexually transmitted infections that he needs to worry about, but... Not HIV, which means he doesn't have to worry about getting on PrEP. If he's going to limit himself to, at least with casual partners, for now, oral.
mutual masturbation. Awkward things for moms to talk with their gay sons about. Things moms might have to talk with their gay sons about. The other thing you're going to have to talk with him about, in addition to reminding him, is we should remind all kids that As action movies are to Tuesdays, so is porn to actual sex. It's a distortion. Tuesdays don't look like Bruce Willis movies from the 80s and 90s.
and real sex often doesn't look like porn occasionally an action movie breaks out on a tuesday but that's not a usual tuesday usual sex doesn't look like sex and porn most of the time something that kids need to know the other thing i always think we should say to kids about sex is or about porn when you watch porn what do you think happened before they started filming and a light bulb goes off in a kid's head they go oh they talked about it
Yeah, they negotiated what was gonna happen, what they were gonna film. It was a conversation first. Consent was obtained in advance. Porn can make it look like sex just breaks out, it just happens. But when you're watching porn, there was a decision to turn on a camera. There was a decision to make a film.
And there was an agreement before that was made, before the camera began to roll, about what was going to be filmed and what was going to happen. And you need to have those kinds of conversations with your first boyfriends the same way the porn stars that you're hoping to emulate when you begin to have sex. had those conversations with their co-stars. The last thing you need to talk about is Grindr. You know, when I was a gay kid,
When I was a teenager, my boyfriend was in his late 20s and I was a teenager and that was a wildly inappropriate relationship. And what I thought at the time, although it was a great relationship, he was really good to me. He really helped me. What I thought at the time was, well, I have no options. Nobody my age is out. And my options are no boyfriend or an inappropriate boyfriend. And of course, I chose the inappropriate boyfriend.
And I always thought like one of the good things about kids coming out younger and younger would be is that eventually young gay boys would have the option of dating the other out gay boys in their high schools or their middle schools, just like. Little straight kids have the option of dating other little straight kids in their high schools or middle schools. And sometimes the closeted gay kids in their high schools and middle schools. That's not what's happened.
Everybody I talk to who's 30 or under about their first relationships, first sexual experiences, rarely was it somebody, some other gay kid who was out that they knew. In their social circle or in high school. Rarely. Almost invariably, it was still somebody kind of inappropriate that they met on Grindr when they were, fingers crossed, 18. Which is when you're allowed to get on Grindr.
Some people get on Grindr before they're 18. It's a problem. And so you need to say to your kid, look, everybody you meet on Grindr isn't going to be a serial killer, right? But... You may meet some people on Grindr who are looking for young and inexperienced boys so that they can exploit your naivete and inexperience to get what they want.
you know the problem the thing we never want to think about with young people becoming sexually active is like oh beware of these creeps who want to use you when what that kid is thinking is oh my god i so desperately want to be used
And you need to figure out how to balance that in this conversation with your son. There are people who are going to want to use you. I understand that you want to be used. There are ways you want to exist sexually in the world and give and get pleasure. But you need to be on your guard. And the most important thing that you can do for your kid is tell them they can come to you. What I saw when I was closeted and a teenager and I had a boyfriend who was 10, 12 years older than I was.
When my sister had an issue with her boyfriend, who was age-appropriate, she could talk to my mom about it. And if my sister's boyfriend was telling my sister, if you loved me, we wouldn't have to use condoms.
She would say that to my mom who would blow the fuck up. She would say that to my mom who would call my sister's boyfriend on the phone and blow the fuck up at him. And I couldn't say anything to my mom about what my boyfriend was saying to me because my mom didn't know I had a boyfriend and I couldn't tell her.
Your kid, when he becomes sexually active, make sure that he knows he can come to you. He has a question. If somebody is making him feel uncomfortable, if he feels like he's being pressured, if somebody told him something and said, this is normal, everybody does this. He can bounce that off you and you can Google it together and that you will be the mom on the phone yelling at the boyfriend for your son the same way my mom was the mom on the phone yelling at...
her boyfriend, for my sister. One of the things we pretend we hate about our parents when we're adolescents, but we rely on our parents for. And we're grateful to our parents one day, too. for having intervened, for having interfered. That's what so many gay kids who are closeted don't have in their lives, is the normal, healthy interventions and interference from their parents that they're straight siblings.
or peers benefit from. And that's what your kid has, which I didn't have when I was a teenager. That's what your kid has to such an advantage that you can be there for him when he needs you. That's how you end that conversation that your kid doesn't want to have.
Hey, Dan and the youth. I have a question for you about what I found to be a surprising take on orgasms during queer sex. I first ran into it last year and interpreted my experience as an unlucky one-off, but the exact same thing happened to me this week.
Both were threesomes with other pansexual, queer, and or non-binary people like myself. Both times, everyone else orgasmed before me. During the first threesome, one of the people got up to shower right after they and the second person had come.
The remaining person switched into wind-down mode, chatting to me about random, non-sex-related things for more than 10 minutes until I awkwardly pointed out that I hadn't been given the opportunity to come. Something very similar happened during the second threesome with different people.
After the second person, who was my partner, had come, the person who had orgasmed first got up to shower while my partner started touching me to get me off. The person who'd left to shower returned 10 minutes later and announced they were heading out. My partner and I didn't say anything in the moment, partly out of shock.
When I later confronted everyone apart from my partner, explaining to them that I was hurt my orgasm didn't seem particularly important to them, I got the exact same response from the penis halfers in the bunch. Queer sex is about much more than orgasming, and expecting an orgasm is heteronormative. For the record, I am 100% team D-center orgasms.
but my impression during both encounters was that it was only my orgasm that was decentered. I also find the argument associating orgasms with heteronormativity to be in total bad faith, a weaponizing of queer discourse to perpetuate the orgasm gap. which I would say is actually peak heteronormativity. For me, it's not about the orgasm itself. It's about getting curious about our partner's desire or lack thereof to orgasm. So what do you make of all this, Dan?
Have you or your listeners seen any queer influencers out there saying stuff like this? I am just finding the copy paste between the two encounters really uncanny, and I'm wondering if it's coming from known sources. Second. Do you have any tips about how I might avoid situations like this in the future? Given the rather sophisticated queer discourse that the participants in these threesomes were throwing down before we started having sex,
I had no reason to believe that they'd essentially leave me the same way that clueless cishet dudes did when I was in my early 20s, covered in cum but not having cum myself. You say this was a weaponization of queer discourse to rationalize the orgasm gap. I say the devil can cite scripture for his purpose, an evil soul producing holy witness. Fuck these guys. Don't fuck these guys. Never fuck these guys again. These guys have disqualified themselves from ever being within a hundred yards.
of your pussy when your pussy is out and open for business ever again. Yeah. Expecting an orgasm is heteronormative, says the heterosexual guys who just had their orgasms. Fuck that. No, no, no, no. Fuck that. Don't fuck them. Never fuck them again. Talk shit about them to other women in your social circles, in your lives, if you're in a poly community. So other women know that if they're going to fuck these guys, despite the...
heads up, you gave them that they better make sure that they came first because if they don't come first, they're not going to come at all or come with the assist that they are owed. Look, I get it. Like there is something, you know, a woman.
Can potentially have multiple orgasms. Not all women can women can potentially have more than one orgasm Women's orgasms often will lead to more orgasms a woman is still in the game sexually after her orgasm whether it's the only one she wants to have or it's the first of the several that she wants to have and can have and has the capacity to have women are potentially sexually insatiable superpower dude so you have that one pathetic orgasm and you kind of crash out your body is flooded with
hormones that knock your dick out, make your erection go away. Suddenly things that were really compelling, like shoving your face in someone's ass and eating their whole or a little like, ah, not too interested in that right now. But even if you lose interest in sex after having your single pathetic male orgasm, you don't lose interest in your sex partner and you don't lose interest in, I'm sorry to make it sound transactional, but your obligation to your sex partner.
And to rationalize it with attempting to guilt your sex partner for having heteronormative expectations about orgasms and sex meaning orgasms? Yeah, all sex doesn't have to end with an orgasm. But... That is the option of the person who is having sex with you. You do not get to decide for them whether an orgasm... is a priority during this sexual encounter, particularly if you've just had yours. So there's no mystery here. There's just...
The devil's citing scripture for his own purpose. There are just a couple of shitty straight guys who are weaponizing queer discourse as you describe it. Justify the shittiest of typical... shitty heterosexual guy behavior which is sex is all about me and my dick and the sex ends when i come and if you haven't come by then well that's on you don't fuck those guys
Sometimes you're going to fuck those guys and you're only going to find out they're those guys when you fucked them and after you fucked them and they got up and jumped in the shower. And then you just don't fuck those guys again. But don't let those guys get in your head. You did nothing.
wrong here. You were absolutely the wronged party. You should advocate for yourself in a moment like that. He starts to get out of bed, you grab him by the balls and you pull him back into bed and say, Hey, I need 10 more minutes. Focus. You get yours. You're more likely to get yours if you insist on getting yours. And if he still gets out of bed then, even as you're holding onto his ball sack, let it go. Let him go.
And I know you didn't call them men. You called them people with penises. Maybe they identify as non-binary, but you know what? I'm not going to respect their non-binary identity if they are so in the thrall of such rank. bog-stupid, straight-guy bullshit as I came, it's over. Sorry, that disqualifies you from they-them courtesies, at least on my show. All right, time for listener...
Feedback. First, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Steve McLean, President Biden did not pardon anyone on death row, as you inadvertently stated at the top of the show last week, Dan. sentences were commuted from execution to life without the possibility of parole. Your slip.
Feeds the narrative that the right wing is out there espousing. Forgive me that slip, Steve. I said pardon. I meant commutation. Thank you for the correction. Says no cute name. Avoid an attachment style. Talk is just one more relic of self-help-therity-speak culture going mainstream. Like love languages being triggered every time one doesn't like something. Gaslighting, narcissism, love-bombing, breadcrumbing, trauma, and the like.
All legitimate things, no cute name goes on, but so overused. No one's an asshole any longer. Now they're a narcissist. A person wasn't lied to. He was gaslighted. My friend wasn't swept off her feet. She was love bombed. No one is so insane. secure that they sabotage every relationship they're in they all have anxious attachment styles well put no cute name wished i had put it that way myself and finally says apple scruff
It was kind of off-putting how gatekeepy Dan was being about how people should, shouldn't celebrate, and wish other people well on the feast of the ass. If the day is not meant exclusively for people who eat ass, why does it matter? Anyway, if people want to celebrate with delicious fudge tunnel cakes, to paraphrase Dickens, keep Feast of the Ass in your own way and let me keep it.
in mind. Hey, now, Apple Scruff, I am doing the work here, single-handedly reviving this holiday with the help, of course, of all the singers and songwriters who wrote those amazing beast of the ass carols. Look, I'm just trying to get something wonderful going for people at the least wonderful time of the year, the pothole between New Year's and St. Valentine's Day. I created a mascot, came up with munchies. I got people to make music.
I'm basically the creative director of FODA, Feast of the Ass, and I reserve the right, at least now while we're still getting Feast of the Ass off the ground, to be a little gatekeepy about it. Next year, you can go crazy with those tunnel of fudge cakes, but this year, not allowed, at least at my Feast of the Ass celebration.
All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at savage.love. And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, the part of the show where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners get the last word. Hi, Dan. I'm responding to the caller from episode 949 who has an anxious attachment style. I would like to make a case for the value of people identifying as having an anxious attachment style.
I certainly do. I'm in my mid-40s and have been working on it in therapy for the last 20 years. I'm convinced that these kind of moments of fear and panic of thinking of my partner is this like evil twin version of them. I don't think that's ever going to go away for me. The emotions are just too powerful. What I have learned over the years is ways of self-regulating, of
processing of journaling of grounding. But I was able to do that because of identifying as having the anxious attachment style. of recognizing, okay, I'm not crazy. I'm not a broken person of having all these emotions, but I need to process it in this particular way.
I do think that it can be a good thing, even in the first couple months of a relationship, to discuss some of those needs with your partner. If you're someone like me for whom, yeah, there's going to be some conversations over the course of our relationship where I'm calmly...
asking you to maybe meet some need that is not being met, if you're not up for that kind of thing, then yeah, it's not going to work. And you might as well talk to someone about that in the first couple of months if they're not up for it at all. So yeah, anxious detachment, it's a thing.
Hey, Dan, it's Brian calling from Lincoln, Nebraska. I wanted to comment on the caller who had a question about having photos developed. If you do, in fact, go to Walgreens and have them develop, someone will see them. At least when I worked there, that's the way it was. And they have a policy of not providing them to you. They won't destroy your film, but they will...
Put a note in your packet saying that your pictures weren't printed because they're inappropriate and you won't receive the photos. Hi Dan, this is a comment for episode 949 for the guy who was wondering how he can print off his dirty pictures. The easiest solution would be to just buy your own little photo printer. My grandma bought one for me when I was like 14 years old, just for fun so I could print off.
all the little photography things that I had been working on, and they're not expensive, and then you can just print everything you want at home, and you don't have to worry about anyone seeing it, and it's super easy. And we're going to leave it there. You can record and upload questions and comments for future shows at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love.
or you can leave us a message at 206-302-2064. Magnum subs. Our next Savage Love Live is January 23rd, noon Pacific, and we're going to have a very special guest, my husband. Since January 23rd is our 30th anniversary. So if there's anything you've ever wanted to ask Terry, this is your chance. Tickets for the 20th anniversary Hump Film Festival on sale now. And to celebrate this milestone.
20 years of Hump. We're throwing multiple after parties in Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco produced by our partners at Flora. Get your tickets to Hump before they sell out by going to humpfilmfest.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads and blue sky at Dan Savage. Follow Rebecca Wolf on Instagram and threads at Rebecca Wolf with three O's. And you can find her newsletter, The Braid, at RebeccaWolf.substack.com. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy.
and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week by the installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading. And hey, stick around if you want to hear the winning podcast. Beast of the Ass Carol, which is coming right up. Jolly and fat, round and hairy, stubborn but sweet. A good friend of Mary who was heavy with child, but he carried that lass. Talking about Buddy. Buddy the Ass.
His pink rosy cheeks spread wide when he's smiling. Gives you a wink, you'll find quite beguiling. He likes cucumbers better than grass. Body is hungry. Body the ass. Body is friendly, patient, and hoping. who knows good things will come to an ass that is open open to friends open to brothers open to strangers And many, many others. houses of note. There's Eeyore and Bottom. For too many years, Buddy's all but forgotten. When Christmas is over and New Year's has passed, we celebrate Buddy.
Buddy the Ass. Hey everybody, it's time for the Feast of the Ass. At the Feast of the Ass, we sing this ballad. Then we munch on a nice tossed salad. Dessert is bundt cake with gaping crevasse. That's drizzled with glaze from Buddy the Ass. Buddy's well- Cheeky and funny Comes as no surprise He has a special honey Open to friends Only two lovers. Buddy that's Rosie. More than any other. She's jolly and fat, just like her buddy. An inseparable pair who like to get nutty.
But he's got moxie, Rosie's got sense. We'd love to see Rose and Bud at the Beast of the Ass. When Christmas is over and New Year's has passed, we celebrate Buddy.