You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un. Have you been naughty or nice? If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual... There's one shopping day left until Christmas, if Christmas is a thing you do. And that shopping day is today. Today is December 24th, Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all who celebrate.
Hanukkah kicks off tomorrow, which makes this Hanukkah Eve as well, which I'm not sure is a thing. But to our Jewish listeners out there, you have one shopping day left too. But we've all got 21 shopping days left until our favorite holiday rolls around, the Feast of the Ass. The Feast of the Ass is celebrated on January 14th every year.
Or it was. The Feast of the Ass is an old Catholic feast day, a holiday on which Catholics remembered and celebrated the flight of the Holy Family into Egypt. Mary and the baby Jesus rode there on the back of a donkey and ass. And it was a holiday meant to celebrate the donkey's role. The Feast of the Ass fell out of favor a few centuries ago. It kind of disappeared from the calendar, which was...
Too bad. Those medieval Catholics, they were on to something. We need a holiday during the dark days that fall between Christmas and St. Valentine's Day. We need something to look forward to. And the Feast of the Ass used to be that thing. And since Catholics aren't using it anymore, I propose we make it that thing again. Which is why we are bringing Feast of the Ass.
I've been wishing everyone a happy Feast of the Ass around here for the last few years. But this year, we're going all in. We are going to make Feast of the Ass the mid-January holiday we all need. To do that, we got to give the Feast of the Ass the things all holidays have. And what do all holidays have? What do all holidays need? The four Ms, mascots, munchies, music, and merch.
You know holidays arrived when it's been commercialized, so we're going to do merch first. Beautiful Feast of the Ass hats and t-shirts are available now at savage.love.shop. And they have a donkey on them. An ass, because Feast of the Ass is...
plausible deniability here. It's still all about the donkey. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. The donkey on the t-shirt and the hat makes it possible for you to wear your feast to the ass hat in public. And if anyone gives you grief, you just tell them what medieval Catholics...
told priests on January 14th every year. It's all about the donkey, Father. All about the donkey. If you're thinking about something else when you hear somebody say Feast of the Ass or you see somebody in a Feast of the Ass t-shirt, that's on you. Now, mascots. Very important. Christmas has St. Nicholas. Valentine's Day has St. Valentine. A little on the nose there. Easter has Peter Cottontail, a.k.a. the Easter Bunny. July 4th has Uncle Sam. New Year's Eve has, too, Father Time.
And Baby New Year. And the Feast of the Ass has Buddy. Buddy. The Feast of the Ass donkey. That's who's on our Feast of the Ass hats and t-shirts. And just like Santa Claus has a wife, Mrs. Claus. Buddy has a girlfriend. Buddy has a honey whose name is Rose. Buddy and Rose. Rose, Buddy. The feast of the ass donkeys. Now, munchies.
All big time holidays have special treats associated with them. Christmas has Christmas cookies, gingerbread houses. Easter has chocolate eggs, marshmallow peeps. St. Valentine's Day has those. Sweetheart's candies with little messages on them and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate. I was brainstorming with a friend, another Catholic boy, what the feast of the ass special treat could be. And he's a candy and pastry person who suggested...
Feast of the ass, sticky buns, which sounded good, but then we both remembered sticky buns already have a holiday on Good Friday, the Friday before Easter, the Friday Jesus gets. Nailed to the cross. Snuff Friday. Good Friday. Catholics give warm buns with white frosting crosses on them meant to symbolize the suffering of Christ on the cross.
for our sins. So as kids, we were encouraged to eat these delicious buns while we sat and contemplated Jesus being slowly tortured to death by hot Roman soldiers in little leather miniskirts. You know, when you think about it, kids who were raised Catholic that didn't turn out kinky when they grew up, those kids were the freaks. All right. So that was a long way of me saying no to sticky buns at the feast of the ass treat, even though it seems kind of obvious. Instead.
We are going with something that will seem just as obvious after I say it out loud. Glazed bundt cakes. Bundt cakes were invented in Minnesota in 1950 by David Dahlquist, who worked at the Nordic Ware... bakeware company. And as of yesterday, bundt cakes weren't strongly associated with any given holiday. But as of today, as of right now, glazed bundt cakes are the traditional feast of the ass.
treat. They are the gift you give to the person whose ass you want to feast on. We're not selling Bundt Cakes in our merch store, but we do have a Bundt Cake recommendation. I asked my followers on Blue Sky to recommend bakeries that ship good bundt cakes, delicious ones, glazed ones. And Tracy jumped in to recommend a local woman-owned bakery in Louisville, Kentucky that makes and ships.
The best glazed orange bundt cake that Tracy has ever tasted. The name of this baker, that cinched the deal, the name of this bakery, sissycakes.com. So we are... Unofficially partnering with sissycakes.com. They don't know we're doing this. They're going to find out, I bet. We are encouraging people who want to send glazed bundt cakes to their feast of the ass sweethearts to get your bundt cakes at sissycakes.com. The orange juice cake. Tracy says it's amazing. The bourbon orange.
cake looks good too, as does the Kentucky nut cake. All buns, all glazed, all the official cakes, sort of unofficial cakes, actually, of Feast of the Ass. Last thing we're going to need. And we're also going to need to crowdsource this. Music, a song. All the best holidays have a song, usually featuring the holidays mascot. Peter Cottontail has a song. here comes peter cottontail hopping down the bunny trail hippity hopping easter's on its way
Santa Claus has so many songs. This one's my favorite. Santa Claus is coming to town. And for Feast of the Ass, we need a song for Buddy. You know, all the best Christmas carols were written by Jews. Let It Snow, Santa Baby, Walking in a Winter Wonderland, Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire, Silver Bells. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
And more. So if you're listening and you're Jewish and you're a singer-songwriter and you need something to do this week, besides Hanukkah, because how long does it take to light a candle and spin a dreidel, write us the Feast of the Ass carol we need. Work in Buddy. That's a requirement. The Feast of the Ass Donkey and maybe Rose, Buddy's Honey. And a glazed bundt cake mention would be nice because, you know, glazed bundt cakes are the traditional Feast of the Ass treat.
And if you can get it to us by January 10th, and it's good, we will play it on the show that comes out on January 14th. Yes, January 14th, Feast of the Ass this year. falls on a Tuesday. I realize it doesn't sound like a lot of time to write a song, but Mariah Carey and her writing partner, they wrote, all I want for Christmas is you in 15 minutes. If they could do it in 15 minutes, they could write that song in 15 minutes, you can bust out a feast of the ass carol in two weeks. I'm confident.
that we, you out there listening and all of us here at the Lovecast, Lovecasting, I'm confident that we can do for Feast of the Ass what we've already done for Pegging and Monogamish and GGG. We can. launch it. We can make it happen. We can bring Feast of the Ass back by getting the merch, eating the cake, and writing the song. The Feast of the Ass It may not be able to compete with Christmas because we all know what Christmas is. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer It's the most wonderful time of the year But Feast of the Ass could become the second most wonderful time of the year. Or the best time you're going to have in January. Particularly this January. The bright spot we all need to lift our spirits during those...
dismal weeks between Christmas and Valentine's Day, which are probably going to be a little extra dismal this year. So let's have some fun by figuring out who we want to send those glazed bundt cakes to and those t-shirts and those hats and who we want to spend. January 14th with this year, celebrating the Feast of the Ass. And hey, figuring out who you want to send a glazed bun cake to on January 14th is a pretty good way of figuring out who you want to spend Valentine's Day with.
on February 14th. The Feast of the Ass, it's coming, people. Dare I say it? Let's all make the Feast of the Ass great again. All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your Q's, lots of my A's, and joining me on the Magnum. Dr. Elena Yanaga, medieval historian who specializes in sexuality, gender, culture, and empire, returns to the show. I invited Dr. Yanaga back to talk about...
The importance of holidays like Feast of the Ass to the people who once celebrated it. What did it mean? Where did it go? And am I allowed? Are we allowed, since the Catholic Church isn't using Feast of the Ass anymore, are we allowed to take this holiday about one biblical ass and turn it into a holiday about eating ass? All right, let's get to your first call.
This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Adam and Eve. Right now, go to adamandeve.com slash savage and pick any four sex toys for just $20. This is such a great deal. Go to adamandeve.com. slash savage right now without delay and get what's coming to you. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Dipsy. Dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women.
for women. Get an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. download field on the app store or Google play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it. Hi Dan. So I'm in a semi new relationship with a great guy. We have great sex. But he's into BDSM, and I'm a total novice when it comes to this type of sex. I think the most dominant thing about me...
Embed thus far is that I am a top. I can take control but Not to the level that I think he probably enjoys I've already started the process of having a dialogue with him about this just to see where he is at with it. But I want to get educated. I want to learn more about it. There are lots of books out there that you could read.
about kink about bdsm about dominance and submission playing well with others lee harrington and melina williams the funny dom's guide to kink by the funny dom different loving a classic the world of sexual dominance and submission
by William Brame, Gloria Brame, and John Jacobs. SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, another classic BDSM, Dom Sub SM educational book. But the book you really got to crack open is Your boyfriend, like you can't read about a scene or a kink or the way something could go in somebody else's sex life or somebody else's dungeon or relationship or dynamic and then just.
throw that at your boyfriend. You say you've already started a dialogue. All right, grab a couple of these books, read some other books, get online. There's lots of online tutorials. There are literally... kink education accounts on Instagram that have to use a lot of euphemisms, less Instagram's algorithms, toss them off where you can get a kind of general idea of what might be expected of you if you're going to move into a more
dominant role. And top is a good place to start, but there are lots of subtops out there. Hey there, subtops, subtops, you exist, you're valid. So just the fact that you're a top when it comes to
Anal sex doesn't mean that being dominant necessarily will speak to you or work for you. That said, as I've said 100 million times on this program, there are two kinds of guys you meet at... IML or MAL or Folsom, Berlin, Folsom, San Francisco, you meet the guys who were tying themselves up when they were 12 and you meet the guys who fell in love with those guys a decade or more later.
But still, there are a lot of people out there who are in the dominant role, who landed in that role, who grew into that role because they met somebody who was a sub. And then... it really is a little bit of a paradox because the sub has to lead. He has to show you what works for him. He has to share his fantasies with you. What your boyfriend can't do and what I worry he might be doing if this dialogue is...
difficult to have if you're embarking on this dialogue and it feels like you're pulling teeth or begging him for information is he can't ask you to go read Larry Townsman's The Leatherman's Handbook from 1970-something, and guess what it is in that giant book of kink play scene scenarios.
that's really an old guard Leatherman kind of SM manual, might work for him and then just try it. He can't ask you to take a shot, to fire blind. He's got to... with you create some scenes he'd like to explore some marks you as the dom as his fantasy dom
Will at least the first few dozen times you play have to hit? And then you'll get an idea of what works for him, what he responds to. And you can begin to improvise. You can begin to, they call it in BDSM, push the envelope. Then you can begin to... roll out slowly while soliciting consent in the scene in a dominant way, some surprises for him, some things that...
You have a good sense he might like based on the things you've already done that you know he liked because he told you he liked them and wanted to do them. Congratulations. You got a kinky boyfriend. You can be a great kinky boyfriend for your kinky boyfriend. You can become the dom that he fantasizes that you might be. But it's going to take time. And it's going to take not halting, stilted dialogue, not him dropping hints in the hopes that you'll just magically become the dominant.
boyfriend that he wants. He's really going to have to show you and tell you and hold your hand and lead you until you're ready to lead. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by adamandeve.com, who want you to start having more and better sex immediately. Adamandeve.com is America's number one trusted source for sex toys. Their site is loaded with an amazing array of...
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Go take a look at adamandeve.com slash savage to see what four toys will be yours for just 20 bucks. It's the only way to get this offer once again. adamandeve.com slash savage. Go and get it. Hi, Dan. I'm a cis bi, 47-year-old female in a five-month DS poly relationship.
who was a sex worker in my 20s. I started stripping when I was 17, did porn, was a feature entertainer, did clients, partied, all the things. I was also very good at what I did and honestly enjoyed many aspects which shouldn't be diminished. I've stepped in and out of the BDSM scene over time and perhaps, not surprisingly, have some sadomasic kinks. I got my first job outside of the industry at 30, and I worked my way up into a successful career.
I earned a master's degree at an Ivy League university. I took a break from sex and dating for five years to work on myself and my education. Post-graduation, I got the career of my dreams, which I absolutely love. I am extremely proud of the work that I put in, and I'm so happy with who I am today. My background helped drive me. Nonetheless, there's this fear of sharing this and the consequences that come with that.
Post-grad school last year, I finally thought I might be open to the possibility of exploring the BDSM scene again. I met my current partner, and we fell fast and hard. I led him into my life, and I trusted him to care for me. He's my sir and my daddy, and I gave myself to him in ways I never had before with anybody else. I told him about my past, and things began to turn.
He says it takes his power away. It's demasculating, and the sickness of learning new details, bit by bit, fills him with fear that is debilitating. It's taken away our power dynamic. I'm with a man who has a whole playroom and is an expert at so many things, but he won't engage with me in that way because he cites a loss of power and fear he feels with me. You can imagine how that makes me feel.
I've asked not to talk about it or try couples counseling, and he was less than receptive. He's dug in on this, and he's made it clear that this will not go away. But to work through this, he wants to know everything. Every detail. He's given me an extensive list of questions to answer that I find absolutely degrading. Here we go. How old were you when you started stripping? When prompted that decision?
Where were the contributing factors or things that you had not shared with me yet? How long were you a stripper? Was having sex for money outside of porn a regular ongoing part of your work as a stripper? How many men have you had sex with, professionally with or without pay? Which I feel goes to that whole question, why does he want to know my number? How many women? Sex includes giving, receiving handjobs, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, or using toys. Like, I don't know what sex is.
How many threesomes have you had with two men? With a man and a woman? With a woman? How many gangbangs have you had? Three or more men and you. How many orgies have you had, including six or more men, women, or a combination of both? orgies with only women, four or more. All right. All right. I've heard enough. The list of questions goes on and on and on. And you know what? There is an alternate universe where I might encourage you.
to answer each and every one of those questions but in that alternate universe your sir your daddy would be into this he would be turned on by who you were by the sexual journey that you were on that eventually brought you to him. And he would want to know the answers to these questions because it made his dick hard to know the answers.
to these questions because he was in awe of you and your sexual experiences and your sexual history. And there was something about hearing about it from you where then he reflected back at you admiration. and arousal but what you're getting back from this guy is i'm a i'm a i'm a daddy and i'm a dom and i'm an insecure bag of slop and i'm also controlling and i'm also
going to use these things or I'm using these things. I'm using your sexual history, not to, as your dom and your daddy build you up, but to dismantle you. to take you apart piece by piece. Do not fucking answer these questions in this universe with this iteration of this man. Because each answer you give him is not going to satisfy his curiosity. It's not going to make him feel more secure in the relationship. Each answer you hand him is going to be a stick that he is going to
beat you with. And not in a hot, sexy, consensual, punishing, my sub kind of way, but in an abusive, controlling, emotionally abusive way. Run from this guy. You are a kinky 45 year old, gainfully employed, highly educated woman. You are in demand. You can write your own ticket. Great. This guy has a playroom and the sex was good and there were good experiences. You can look back at this relationship when you end it as.
a semi-successful str it was good for as long as it was good and then it was something came up that disqualified him from being in your life and this is it and in a way this is a favor that your sexual history is doing you by identifying him as somebody that you can't trust with the power you've invested in him you now know
What it may have taken you much longer to find out that he's not worthy of your submission. He's not worthy of your time, of your pussy, of your anything. And you need to get the fuck. rid of him. There are other guys with playrooms out there. And if you find a hot guy who's got a great Dom streak, you can build a playroom together with that guy. You've got a job. You've got the money. Build your own fucking playroom. You do not need to keep fucking this one dude.
just because he has a great playroom fuck that there are other guys out there who will regard every dick you sucked before you got to his as an achievement as something hot and sexy and wonderful and interesting and complicated about you that makes him more excited to be with you. Not a weepy bag of insecure slop who's attempting to weaponize his precious feelings to shame and control you.
Fuck this. Don't fuck this guy. Stop fucking this guy. But, you know, fuck this guy and run from him. This episode is brought to you by Dipsy to tempt you to go check.
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Hi, Dan. I have a pretty kind of sensitive question here. I'm a twin. I'm in my mid-30s. And basically, I got married about 18 months ago. And my husband is amazing and great. And yeah, that's all perfect. I love my twin sister. She's absolutely great. I worry about her sometimes because she's, well, she's never had a boyfriend that I know of and I would know.
We went to the same university. We worked together for like six years. So we're super, super close. And I'm probably guilty of this. Sometimes I ask her a lot about like how the app's going. are you going on dates? And she says yes. And she tells me about the apps and stuff like that. And I got a little over curious when she was staying at our house, like maybe.
two weeks ago and when she was in the shower I may have gone through her phone and then I saw that she did not have any of these apps downloaded that we talked about now maybe she's got them on her computer I don't know but I just feel like The dates that she told me about were lies. I'm not sure. And I'm just worried about her because I know that she wants to have a family and kids. And I just feel like she should.
get out there and maybe not just tell me she's getting out there but I worry about her a lot and I want her to be happy so I don't know if I'm like forcing the issue but Yeah. I don't know whether I should say to her, like, do you want me to set you up on a date? Like I know lots of really nice guys in my work, so I could totally do that.
But yeah, our mom has offered in the past to set her up. She's just not into that at all. But yeah, she's a really great and beautiful person. And yeah, I just wanted to be happy. So any advice? Is your sister unhappy? Based on the facts in evidence, which is just an anodyne statement from your sister that she might like to have a partner and kids someday, I don't think...
We can jump to the conclusion here that your sister, just because she doesn't have in her life what you have in your life or what you and your mom might want for her, is unhappy. Leave your sister the fuck alone. Stop. Digging through your sister's phone. Why might she be telling you she's on the apps and going on dates if she's not? Well, your sister could be asexual. I'm recalling something I read and ace.
advice dad's book recent guest here on the podcast about how one of the ways asexual people are brutally oppressed in our culture is allonormativity that everyone is expected to want marriage and family and kids, or at least romantic partners, or at least sex, and people who don't worry that they will be seen as broken or damaged or mentally unwell, and so they will tell people.
Who want those things and have those things. And oh yeah I want those things too. I would like to have what you have someday. And they don't fucking mean it. But they're saying what. They think their family needs to hear, their friends need to hear, the culture wants to hear from them. And so just stop, just stop.
Your sister if she wants to go on dates will download the apps. Your sister if she wants you to set her up with people will tell her that she wants you to set her up with people. Stop spying on her. Stop invading her privacy. And stop for just a year as an experiment. Stop giving so much weight to what she tells you she wants and give some weight to not what she says, but what she does, her actions.
and assess without projecting onto her your values and what would make you happy, whether or not she's happy, whether or not she's content with her life as is. And if she is, just back the fuck off. Back a thousand yards off. Leave the football stadium. Leave her alone. And yet be in her life and support her. And if she confides in you about being unhappy and single, you can offer some encouragement.
and advice but if all you're getting from her is oh yeah one day maybe i might like and then she doesn't do anything about it but she's not unhappy take no for an answer. I don't want what you have. Sometimes people have a hard time saying that. Sometimes people who would rather be alone, would rather be single, would rather be childless say, well, tell me that they feel judged and shamed.
by their family and friends who have kids, who have partners, who have families for not wanting any of that shit and they don't feel like they can be honest with their friends and family because their friends and family take it as a personal attack. that that kid doesn't want what this other kid wants. Are you saying that what I have isn't wonderful and valuable? No. She's having a hard time saying if she is asexual or aromantic.
that she's content so back away the fuck off leave your sister the fuck alone don't look in her phone ever again respect her privacy and If she wants somebody in her life, she'll figure it the fuck out for herself like you did, like all adults do. This episode is brought to you by Field. It seems like so many of my listeners are talking about and using Field these days and with good reason.
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Hi, Dan. I have a question. It's not about my life, but it's about what I hear in the world, which is lube, lube, lube for women. vaginally and I think it's really sad because it makes me feel like a lot of women are having sex without being excited about it and I can understand why There's all tons of traumas and fears. But like, damn, is the advice really just have sex anyway? Like, I feel that...
all this lube is like missing the point of getting turned on. And why is that never addressed? I think that the majority of these women are just in a nervous state.
Am I completely way off? I just feel like the advice should be like, not fuck your feelings, which is what Loop feels like to me. I kind of get it, like just start doing it and then maybe you'll... like it when you're doing it so you'll be less nervous that last next time but it feels like it's just like no forever lube always lube and it's like if
To me, it seems like if your vagina isn't getting wet and slippery, then you're not excited to have sex. Like you're not turned on and that's the problem. So how is that just never mentioned? It's just... Loop. Who cares if you're turned on? Just start having sex. Can you enlighten me? You gotta do the work before you lay the pipe. You do have to engage in foreplay. When we talk about using lube for anal, that doesn't...
occlude, doesn't foreclose, it doesn't get anybody off the hook of engaging in anal foreplay. Why am I talking about butts when you're asking me about vaginas? I have a butt bias here that may sometimes contribute to my lube, lube, lube thing. The issue though, and I think maybe we've overcompensated on emphasizing
The use of lube, the okayness of lube, that some people may need lube, including some people who are women, some people with vaginas may need lube, is that some people do have dry vagina syndrome. Some people also, as they age, just like...
Some men, as they age, will be excited about having sex, they'll be aroused, and the erection won't be there, and they'll need to take a boner pill, and that shouldn't be stigmatized, and it shouldn't be regarded as evidence that he's not into you or not attracted to you.
Similarly, on the flip side, there are women who as they age produce less lubrication. They're still aroused. They're still excited. They still want to have sex. Their partner is still doing the work. We're laying the pipe. And they need to supplement. the vaginal lubrication that they're creating, that their arousal is creating them with a little extra lube because of aging.
That said, you're absolutely correct. Maybe this emphasis on normalizing the use of lube, not just for butt sex, where it was always normalized, but also for vaginal intercourse, is putting it in some people's heads that they can skip right to... penetration and the answer to that is no no you have to engage in foreplay you have to go down on a woman you have to do the things that
you know that you can do because you're an established partner in the context of this relationship or with a new partner who's giving you the info, you need to invest in turning this person on. Yeah, you shouldn't just cut to... dumping lube all over somebody's crotch and throwing your dick into them whether you're having vaginal intercourse or anal intercourse no you need to do the work and you need to be invested in
Their arousal. I don't know how somebody sticks their dick into a person who isn't excited about finally getting that dick stuck into them. That's a very important component. I am a... dig having person. And it's a really important component for me that the person is not just able, but ready, willing and able and excited about getting to penetration. So the point you make is
Absolutely correct. We don't want people out there putting a 50-gallon drum of lube next to their bed and thinking they do not have to engage in foreplay with their female partners. They do. A word about maintenance sex. Sometimes people have sex that they're not that excited about having. Sometimes people have sex. They choose to have sex.
Even though it's not the sex they want to have. They just want to be there for their partner. They want to do their duty. And hopefully that's reciprocated. There are times when their partner comes through for them when the partner isn't horny and they are.
And that may be a time you want some supplemental lube. My position, however, on maintenance sex is that maintenance sex shouldn't be penetrative sex. That if you're asking for maintenance sex in your partner, whether they have... dick or a vagina is coming through with some maintenance sex that is assisted masturbation that is not penetration maintenance sex shouldn't be you get to fuck me
And I'm not particularly excited about getting fucked. Because it's no fun to get fucked when you're not excited about getting fucked. And you shouldn't want to fuck somebody who isn't excited about getting fucked by you at that moment. a handjob, some oral, they sit on your face and you have a wank. There are lots of ways that you can engage in maintenance sex with a partner who's being indulgent without expecting them to sit on your dick or take your dick.
And the bonus to being folks out there who are having maintenance sex, the bonus to being not a pouty brat when you're getting that kind of maintenance sex, when you're getting the hand job or your partner is sitting on your face.
maybe with their underwear on because they don't even want your tongue penetrating them, but they are being present for you and indulgent and patient, is every once in a while that they will begin to get excited. And that maintenance non-penetrative sex will become the penetrative sex you...
might have hoped it would be, but it can only become if you're chill about non-penetrative maintenance sex being the maintenance sex you're getting most of the time during maintenance sex. Anyway, caller. Yes, yes, yes. Lube is great. Lube is important. Doesn't take the place of making sure your partner is thoroughly aroused. Some thoroughly aroused partners do need a little extra lube, just like some thoroughly aroused dudes. Do need that boner pill.
Hi, Deanne. I am a cisgender woman and I am in a relationship with a cis man. We have been together almost a year and we have a pretty fun, open, explorative sex life. involves a little bit of kink and BDSM. We have been talking lately about some of our fantasies and one of the things that keeps coming up is My boyfriend has a desire to have a threesome with me and a trans woman and would really be turned on by that. I am more interested in a...
situation that would involve like an MMF threesome, but he's not as excited about that. So we're kind of missing the mark here on this. He has had some experiences in the past with trans women and men in drag and they haven't been particularly fulfilling for him or enjoyable to the extent that I think is possible because he was pretty nervous at the time and is starting to feel a little bit more like he could enjoy that more fully.
kind of confident about his sexuality and whatnot. I would like for him to have that opportunity to explore his sexuality and to have that experience. Part of what he's interested in is being bottomed. He's actually more dominant with me, though we have explored some ideas around how he could be more in a subposition with me as well.
are talking a lot about this but really are looking for any kind of ideas about how to satisfy some of his... interests and explore his sexuality we are in a monogamous relationship it does not appeal to me to have him go and explore this on his own I think it would be something I'd like to do between us I think he feels more comfortable with that as well So any ideas that you might suggest for us would be welcome. We are definitely looking for ways to kind of keep things exciting and also...
really lean into some of the things that we're thinking about and in particular explore some of these fantasies. If the obvious compromise hasn't occurred to you, which is have the threesome he'd like to have. With a trans woman and then also have the threesome you'd like to have with two men take turns reciprocate Maybe you get to have yours first since what's driving his interest in these threesomes is
Being with a trans woman, you might want yours to go first so that he doesn't suddenly develop cold feet or scruples about your monogamous relationship after he gets his. A little transactional, a little trust your mother, but cut the cards. Good advice. There is another compromise position though, which is there are all of these, some of them porn stars, some of them sex workers, some of them just people living and existing in the world who identify now as
Femme boys. And some of them are like some of everybody, some of them are fucking stunning and they are very. girly in a way that might work for your boyfriend because they're maybe on that trans drag femme spectrum to the point where the dick attached to them is exonerated from masculinity or maleness to the point that he can see bottoming for that person he perceives as femme or feminine or a woman.
And it would still be man enough, boy enough for you to enjoy as a man. Find a femme boy where your boyfriend grooves on. his femininity and you get to groove on his masculinity and meet each other halfway. Might be a taller order to find a femboy who works for him in that way, your boyfriend in that way, and works for you in the way that you would like. a man or masculine person to work for you which brings us back to the solution here is to take fucking turns the thing about three ways is
Usually the first ain't great. It's why a lot of people never have another one. The more you have them, the more you learn about yourself, the more you learn to communicate with your partner about what worked or...
doesn't work and there's conversations you should have in advance of that three-way including with the person you're having the three-way with about taking breaks about the inevitability that the three-way becomes at certain points a two-way and then what the person outside the two-way enjoys the show or the person outside the two-way taps in or asks everybody to take a little break so you can recombine in a threesome position where everybody's getting some attention.
You need to have those conversations in advance of the three-way. But if you have the three-way, even if the first one isn't great, it's a little awkward. Even if somebody's feelings got hurt, there's a little something you have to process afterwards. That sets you up for a more successful second or third. three-way so have the one he wants to have or have the one you want to have first then have the one he wants to have and you'll both be happy and still monogamous but monogamish
You will be monogamous with an asterisk. It is funny how people sometimes define monogamy to mean not I am sexually exclusive with this person, but this person and I only have sex together. Sometimes we have sex with other people together, but only together. I love that definition of monogamy and I endorse it.
All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Shalma M. I'm usually nodding in agreement with Dan, but this episode was not it. The woman who divorced her thirst trap following husband isn't crazy. Every straight man I've dated who follows thirst traps online has issues. Sure, it's perfectly normal to want to look at attractive people, but it's okay to not want to be with someone who is...
pathologically into that. Alright, quickly, the caller who got dumped by his girlfriend, not his wife, followed a handful of women on his alt. Women posting thirst traps, not porn. I don't think that's pathological behavior. What I think is pathological is rounding every man who follows a few hot women on Instagram or TikTok or whatever up to pathological porn addict.
Says Andrew about the guy who thought he couldn't see his cop boyfriend over the holidays because his cop boyfriend was closeted when his cop boyfriend was actually living an openly gay life in the suburbs with his husband.
Andrew says, I'm thinking closeted cop probably reeled in the collar with a kind of fantasy. There are lots of gay men out there who are turned on by the thought of a fling with someone heteroflexible, bicurious, on the down low, etc. And these flings can sometimes be freer of relationship expectations, gay community drama, etc. So I imagine this guy, the cop, has probably had more success on the gay apps with the narrative,
closeted macho cop than he would with the narrative of half of a bourgeois suburban gay couple seeking side peace. Finally, says Dolly, I watched the Lily Phillips documentary and more concerning to me than having sex with a hundred men. was a clearly inadequate production plan. Lily mentioned having a team of nine, yet there were condoms discarded all over the floor. Why wasn't one of her crew in charge of throwing the condoms away and changing the sheets?
And the men who were ejaculating on her eyes? The answer is that strip clubs have better production and better security than Lily did on the set of that film. All right, for more listener feedback, check out struggle session. Well, not right now. Don't check out struggle session right now because I am taking a break from struggle session over the holidays. New struggle sessions will resume on Thursday, January 2nd.
But now, everyone's favorite part of the show, mine included, the part where I shot my big gay mouth and my listeners get the last word. Hi, Dan. I'd never heard the term Eskimo Brothers. In true American puritanical style, it's silly. And that there's a much better term out there, which is fucking law. Someone sleeps with someone that you once slept with, so they are your fucking law.
The phrase we have for that here in the UK is custard cousins. Wiener cousins. I've always used the term macho brothers. Like we're just eating off of the same plate. I don't know about guys sleeping with the same women, but when my girlfriends and I share the same dick, we call each other salami sisters. I find a solid passion against this term as I am in UPAC.
I'm part of the most northern tribe in Alaska. So specifically, terms that caricaturize my tribe and my people just absolutely piss me off. I think I've got the perfect term for...
what Eskimo Brothers is trying to communicate, and it's just not describing people based on who you fuck. I think it's really weird when people do this, because it almost seems like... two dogs that peed on the same tree like there's some ownership to it like you and me have something in common we fucked the same person I think it just should be retired and maybe we don't describe people by who we've fucked in common. But thanks for retiring the term. Eskimo brothers, everyone.
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