You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un. if you're stuck in a relationship quandary or if you're looking for sexual Husbands you can't leave. Pregnancies you can't prevent. Politicians you can't vote out of office. That's the GOP agenda for American women.
I've talked about this before. I'm not going to belabor it now. But I do want to quickly run through these three items on the GOP agenda for American women, an agenda a distressing number of American women voted for. Last month, not a majority of American women, but still.
I want to run through it again because they're beta testing an alarming fourth agenda item that I do want to talk about today. Item one on the GOP agenda, husbands, you can't leave. They want to end no fault divorce, meaning a woman. would need her abusive husband's permission to leave her abusive husband. When no-fault divorce was first introduced.
California adopted the first no-fault divorce law in 1969, signed into law by Ronald fucking Reagan, now law in all 50 states. Joanna Grossman, a professor in family law at Southern Methodist University, explained on NPR. that suicide rates among women fell, rates of domestic abuse fell, and fewer women were being murdered by their husbands after we got no-fault divorce in all 50 states. The GOP wants to reverse all three of those trends.
Because conservatives are alarmed that fewer women are choosing to marry. And they've convinced themselves that making abusive marriages harder for women to escape will somehow make marriage more appealing to women. Item two, pregnancies you can't prevent. Obviously, they ended the right to abortion. Women are dying. The stories out of Texas and other blood red states are appalling.
And they're coming now for your birth control pills. The same groups and activists that successfully ended the right to abortion want to end contraception too. Item three, politicians who can't vote out. They keep talking about how things would be perfect around here if women didn't have the vote, which means repealing the 19th Amendment.
This idea, yes, it's being floated by fringe lunatics, but have you been paying attention? Donald Trump is currently filling his cabinet with fringe lunatics. The fringe lunatics are running the show. Well. Now we can add something else, a fourth item to the GOP agenda for American women. Currently being beta tested out there in the wilds of the internet. No unnecessary orgasms. Only orgasms that make babies. Only...
His orgasms should be tolerated because having sex for pleasure, having sex for fun, even when cis men are having sex with cis women, it's kind of gay, dude, when you really think about it. Which is what a guest on the Luke Beasley show, a fringe lunatic guest, yes, but again, the fringe lunatics are running the show. Anyway, Luke himself is a progressive who talks to right-wingers.
And he recently interviewed a young Republican MAGA straight couple with the guy sitting there, the smug look on his face, wearing his MAGA hat, and the conversation turned to sex. The best part about having sex is reproduction. Seriously, like I don't value sex because of an orgasm. I value sex because I know that I am going to reproduce and have another baby. It's why as soon as we got together.
Like she's off birth control. As soon as we got married, yeah. As soon as we're together, it's like no birth control, nothing, because I'm not going to have gay sex. And like gay sex is more than just like another man and a man. It's just like the idea of looking at sex is such a materialistic thing and just like, oh, well, like.
we just have an orgasm and that's fun or whatever no like dude sex is about having children it's about having babies like you are you pump yourself full of birth control and then you have sex with your wife and like There's no purpose there except just pleasure. That's the only purpose. Where to start? Okay, first...
Straight men can't have gay sex with their wives. Having sex when you can't conceive because you're on birth control or you're having non-PIV sex, that doesn't make you or the sex you're having gay just because it was... And when you really think about what this guy is saying, which I don't think this guy has done, he's basically arguing, I guess, positing that gay sex is defined by pleasure, which I am willing to concede.
I'm not willing to concede, however, that straight sex, when it is defined by pleasure, is somehow gay or gay adjacent or sus. When I was a kid, there was a huge debate about... recreational sex versus procreational sex. This was the culture war of the 1960s and 19... that recreational sex was not okay. That was just sex for pleasure. That was what gay people did. Procreational sex, that was what straight people did. And procreational sex...
kind of exonerated sex entirely for straight people. It made it all okay, it made it all good, because at some point, a baby might happen. Yeah, I get it, and I'll embrace it. Gay sex, just for fun. Straight sex, mostly for fun, but occasionally to reproduce. Still, the same people who say two men can't make a baby also run around saying that anything is possible for God. So I am going to keep inseminating my boyfriend and my husband is...
going to keep inseminating his boyfriend and all four of us are going to pray for a miracle. They happen every day. Look, the mistake people make, the mistake this guy is making is kind of a category error. Some people look at sex. the excess of it, the way we want so much of it, but we can only have so many babies if we're having the straight kind of sex. And they think, what is all that excess desire?
Excess fucking, all that extra fucking. What is it for? What does it do in gay relationships and straight ones? What purpose does it serve? Pleasure, of course, is a perfectly legitimate end unto itself. When it comes to sex in the context of a relationship, building a relationship or sustaining a relationship, sex releases the love hormone oxytocin or the cuddle chemical as they call it at the Cleveland Clinic.
levels rise during sexual intimacy and flood our system. They flood our already flooded basements when we have an orgasm. And that is important if you're in a relationship. with somebody that you have kids with because you fell in love, you had kids, you want to stay in love and looking into each other's eyes every once in a while while your systems are flooded with oxytocin that you created and provided for each other. Yeah.
That takes the edges off the conflicts of living with someone day to day and parenting with somebody, which is stressful. You need those moments where you stare into each other's eyes and make each other come. Gay people. We have sex for the same reason straight people do 99.99% of the time. What gay people can't do is deny that pleasure, mutual pleasure, is important, practically the whole point.
If sex is only for pleasure, as it is for us, you can't be in denial about what sex is for, why you're having it, or what your responsibilities to your partner are. You're there to have a pleasurable experience and you are there to provide a pleasurable experience.
If straight men start telling themselves, telling each other and telling themselves that they're there to make the donuts and nothing else, they're just there to bring sperm cells and egg cells together to reproduce, then her pleasure, a woman's orgasm, doesn't matter. In fact, since a woman's orgasm
isn't strictly necessary, prioritizing her pleasure at all, going out of your way to make her orgasm happen, which you have to do when straight people have sex with each other because PIV is not enough for 75% of women. Yeah, if you tell yourself that's a little gay. and you're MAGA and a homophobe and you don't want to be any kind of gay, not even a little bit gay at all, that's going to be a problem in your marriage if you're married.
which you may not be if you come to believe this for very long. I don't want to offer this particular MAGA idiot any advice. I don't want to help get him out of the corner he's painted himself into with his dick here. Because I don't honestly want to make being with him any more tolerable for his poor wife, who sits next to this guy during the interview looking not pleased. Which I imagine she's not, literally, not pleased, never pleased. But on the off chance...
She wants more and better? And the off chance she wants to get off once in a while? Oh my god, lady, get out. Leave him while you can. Leave him while no-fault divorce is still an option.
All right, coming up on today's show, tons of Q, lots of A, and on the magnum, everyone's favorite bisexual, solo, polyamorous, black, queer comedian, Ashley Ray is here. Ashley Ray, comedian, author, actor, online sleuth, joins me to talk about... inviting podcasters to your sex party and why that is always a mistake, exchanging nude photos with online randos, and...
We do a deep dive into the new Netflix documentary about JonBenet Ramsey. And if your first thought was, who the hell is JonBenet Ramsey? Fear not. Ashley explains. It all. And from now until December 31st, year-long gift subscriptions to the Magnum, Savage Lovecast, half price, the longer ad-free show, Sex and Politics, Savage Love Live, discounted hump tickets, struggle sessions, the full column, and more.
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All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Liberator, makers of premium sex positioning, pillows, shapes, and furniture for sex. Use the code savage at liberator.com to save an extra 10% and make your holiday season unforgettable. This episode is sponsored by HIMSS. Affordable access to ED treatment all online. Start your free online visit today at HIMSS.com slash savage.
This episode is brought to you by Foria. Foria, makers of Awaken Arousal Oil, Intimacy Melts, and Sex Oil. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com slash savage and using code savage at checkout. Hey, Dan. I'm a gay trans man in his early 30s, and I am seeking advice on how to be part of the gay men's community as a trans man.
Before I transitioned, I was actually known for being someone who was confident and strong. But since going into gay men's spaces, I've been really intimidated. Like my inner saboteur wonders if the guys are silently judging me or laughing at me because I'm trans. Like, oh, look at her coming in here trying to be a man. I'd never fuck her. And like I hear the way cis gay men talk about pussy and it's hard not to feel like I'm disgusting to them because boy pussy or not, I have one.
It makes me kind of sad and frustrated that a part of me that I really enjoy using is actually a liability in a community that I really want to be a part of. I've had a really successful top surgery and I've been on hormones long enough to pass as a forever twink. I don't consider myself to be unattractive, but...
When I go to bars or use the apps, I still feel like I'm disregarded as a potential hookup or date mate if I'm acknowledged at all. And it's hard not to be like, it's probably because I'm trans. And I don't expect anyone to roll out a red carpet, but I just want to be part of this community. Like circuit parties, cruising, dancing with my shirt off in a sea of sweaty hot men.
I want all of those things. But when I go, it's always just me alone with my drink, watching everyone. And if I dance, I'm just ignored. Like, I just want to be treated as an equal in this space. The only men I've managed to hook up with are men in bathhouses who are much older or guys on Grindr who claim their... quote unquote, not gay. But I'd really love to just get out there and date, hook up, and just start living my best gay life. Do you have any thoughts or tips for me?
You're in a room full of gay men. You are being judged. Gay men are constantly judging each other. Gotta thicken your skin. You gotta absorb some judgment. You're probably... judging people and making assumptions about other people too. The chief assumption you're making is no one could possibly be interested in you because you're a trans man. And that's not true. It's just not true. There are gay men.
who are into trans men, who partner with trans men, who date trans men, who hook up with trans men, who dance on sweaty dance floors with trans men. You are part of the gay male community. Does that mean? That everybody you encounter is going to be thrilled to see you or down to fuck you or happy you're there? No. But everybody has to put up with that. Everybody has to deal with that.
and you just learn how to function and live with it. You put yourself out there. You'll have a better time and easier time at those clubs where you want to dance without feeling self-conscious if you take the advice I give to all gay men. wherever they fall, trans, cis, whatever, which is when you go to that kind of space, don't go alone. You need to bring somebody with you. It is a way almost of...
Vouching for yourself people are attracted to people who they see interacting with a small group or with their friends or even just with one friend they see you Then as somebody that
who is known and that they might want to know. Somebody who has people in their life who care about them and you look at them and you project themselves into that caring circle and you might care about them too. The current... reigning mr eagle just crowned in the mr eagle contest in new york earlier this fall a trans man there was a trans man who was international mr leather i think at least a decade ago so
Yeah. Trans men are a part of game men's spaces. Like the fucking sweaty shit goes down on the dance floor Eagle in New York city. You are a part. of the community and you just have to psych yourself up and move through it like you belong you and your pussy and your pleasure and however you take it belong and
Part of that is faking it until you make it. I was so nervous when I went to gay bars. Oh my God, I don't like to be looked at. I don't like to be assessed. I don't like to be judged. I was so nervous when I went to gay bars and I went to gay bars a lot alone. I made the mistake you're making now.
I went to them alone when I was first coming out and I thought you were supposed to go alone because that would signal your availability. And it just took me a little while to realize the guys I'm checking out or attracting my interest are not the guys who are. They're the guys who are with their friends, but not in a little closed clump of their friends who are.
friend adjacent who are standing shoulder to shoulder with their friends, but facing into the room, facing into the crowd, making eye contact with people. That's the guy that you got to be. And yeah, there will be some people. Not everybody has to want to fuck you, right? Not everybody has to want to fuck you for whatever reason. Everybody has to treat you with respect and everybody has to make some space for you. I'm sure that when you go to these spaces, there are some men.
in a room packed with sweaty men, others of them, I promise you trans like you, even if you can't clock them, there are men in that room that you don't want to fuck for. reasons, for your reasons, whatever they are. And you know, if there's some guy you don't want to fuck who happens to be old like me or black or whatever.
And it's not that you don't want to fuck them because they're old or black or whatever. You wouldn't want them to make that assumption. You wouldn't want them to leap to, oh, this guy, this trans guy I think is hot, is not interested in me. He's obviously a bigot for X, Y, or Z reason. You just have to...
Be a little zen about it and extend to other people who don't want to fuck you for whatever reason the same grace you would like extended to you when you don't want to fuck somebody who's interested in you for whatever reason. As I've said before, there are some guys... There's a kind of gayness that transcends sex where it's about gender and not about genitals necessarily. But homosexuality is a real thing. There are some gay guys out there whose gayness is about...
They are homosexuals. They're not just gay. And yeah, those guys aren't going to be guys that want to sleep with you, but they're also not going to be guys that you want to sleep with. Because they won't be into you and into your body and into what makes you special. And so, don't fuck those guys, but don't be devastated that those guys don't want to fuck you. And just as those guys...
who are homosexual, need to have made space and need to make space and be gracious about it for trans guys, you need to allow for the existence of these guys. Not everybody has to fuck everybody. And take yes for an answer. There is room and space in gay men's spaces for trans men. As evidenced by... A trans man being the reigning Mr. Eagle in New York city going, he will be going to the international Mr. Leather contest in May. And he didn't get to be Mr. Eagle by.
hanging back. He put himself forward and that's what you're going to have to do. You have to put yourself out there, put yourself forward. Somebody doesn't want to fuck you. Okay. There'll be somebody else who does. All right. So. There's my pep talk. Get out there. There are guys who are into guys like you. And it doesn't mean in all cases that those guys don't see you as a guy. There are guys out there. gay guys who see you as a guy and will be into you as a guy. You'll get some of those guys.
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I'm realizing a lot of the wrong reasons. I have tended to date people based off of purely sexual attraction. And as I've been in therapy and had... repetitions of patterns over the years I've realized that I'm clearly been dating people based off of my childhood wounds as we do and been inviting people who trigger me and all kinds of things, like more so men with avoidant attachment styles, yada, yada, yada. Long story short.
I'm finally in a very, very loving, caring, healthy relationship. And I really think that this person is the one. We've been dating for a few months now, and we have a lot of future long-term plans, a lot of similar values, and we're just very, very in love. And he is one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. Very kind. caring and unlike most of the types of guys that I generally date. Now, I guess the one small issue that comes with that is that even though he's gorgeous, I...
am less passionately sexually attracted to him. And we have a decent sex life, but it's nothing like other relationships where I had where it was. Very passionate, very sexual, maybe a little bit raunchier. He's very loving in bed. He goes down on me. He's great. He's really good at that. But I find it's like a little bit more boring, a little bit more repetitive, a little bit more vanilla.
And I want to build a stronger, more fulfilling, passionate sex life with him. I kind of don't know where to start. I'm trying to, you know. Learn how to be more physically, sexually attracted to somebody who's so wonderful. We're supposed to jump down the throats of men when they say that women want bad guys and they overlook.
good guys and anybody who claims to be a good guy we're told and everybody argues is ipso facto a bad guy but there's a grain of truth to these complaints that some men make that there are women out there who chase after shitty guys, women out there who are throwing themselves at hot stoves and not pursuing the good, kind, loving, compassionate guys that the men who make.
this argument assume they themselves are or represent which is not always the case so yeah a lot of times when guys are complaining about women just want the bad guys it's bullshit but but not all the time the great truth and There are women like you, caller, out there. There's something about those dangerous bad boys that turn you on. And so what do you do? You found a good, hot guy who loves you, goes down on you, but you're bored.
already. And so your challenge is you either need to turn him into a bad guy, which is difficult to do. Or you need to have some space in this relationship, some allowance to occasionally run out there and bang a bad guy. Obviously. Putting that plug in for an open or monogamous relationship. But you don't have to partner with those bad guys. You can just run up, touch the hot stove, run the fuck away from the hot stove. The problem with a hot stove is that you can actually touch a hot stove.
Put your hand on it, pull your hand away. You can fuck that hot stove and run away. You can't keep your hand on the hot stove. You can't partner with a hot stove because you're going to get burned. So what do you do? You got to make him a bad guy or you got to have...
bad hall pass. It lets you go and enjoy a bad guy every once in a while and be bad yourself. And maybe that would work for him. You know, maybe he's down for an open relationship. Maybe hot wifing or cuckolding would appeal to him. Only one way to find out. That's to ask.
If you having the okay to occasionally go bang a bad guy, touch that hot stove, run away, is not in the cards, then you're going to have to make him into your bad guy. And how do you do that? Well, he's kind, he's loving. You say that... You think he's the one. There is no one. There's that .78 you round the fuck up to one. Just have to say that for the record. And so turning him into someone he's not, probably not possible. What you want to do is...
something I talk about all the time, you know, at the beginning of a relationship in one of the sex is really hot and adventurous. It's sort of effortless because they're the adventure you're on. You're the adventure they're on. 10 years in, the sex doesn't feel so hot or passionate anymore because you're not on an adventure. The adventure isn't built in because they're not the adventure you're on anymore. You're not the adventure they're on anymore.
And so to get back to that section, that passionate, sexy feeling, you got to go on adventures together. And that's how you make him into the bad guy that you need. Not turning him into a bad guy, but the two of you. linking arms and going out there into the world and being bad together. And he may be able to hear that. His ego may be able to absorb that without feeling rejected or devastated or inadequate.
You just say to him, like, I'm a really sexual person. I have crazy fantasies. There are things I want to do sexually, adventures I want to have with you, with my partner, things I want to do together. And then go be. bad. Since you can't have a bad guy, second best thing, be a bad girl, be a bad couple, go do bad things with him and you'll see him in a different light and he may grow. sexually he may catch a groove and become a little bit more adventurous you may awaken something in him
He may be one of those good guys who feels like it's his primary responsibility to make sure you feel safe. And what you need to tell him is there's some part of your erotic imagination that needs to feel at risk. And because of course in the context of a committed loving relationship with a wonderful person, they're not going to make you feel at risk. It's not what you want from them. You want them to make you feel safe and taken care of and protected.
But you want that risk. You need that frisson. Your erotic imagination, your pussy needs it. And you can do it together. You can create it together if you can risk opening up to him at least about that. And you can, you can. You can be that couple. He's never going to be a bad guy. But you too, you can be bad.
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We have two daughters, four and seven, so you can probably do the math on that and see we started having kids pretty quickly after marriage. For a variety of reasons, my wife has lost interest in sex after two pregnancies, two births, two breastfeeding journeys.
Her relationship with her body has changed and she just doesn't feel sexy anymore, even though she remains in excellent shape. Volatility in her career since the kids has left her in a state of stress more often than what is healthy. She has... unresolved sexual issues from previous experiences and I think, frankly, some resentment toward men that she never really dealt with.
And honestly, before me, she was never in a relationship longer than two years. And after 13 years with me, you know, probably not all that excited to take me on another spin. I fully concede that. She's not asexual entirely. She will take care of herself on occasion, but according to her, the idea of being with another person in that way is just not appealing at this point in her life.
I'm not someone who can live the rest of my life without sexual intimacy, and she knows that. So she's opened the door for me to get my needs met with other people as long as she doesn't know about it. I've only been in a handful of long-term relationships. I've never really done the casual thing.
I also work full-time, have a house and a family to take care of, and my time is fairly tight, and I don't have unlimited money. So not only does securing enough side action to satiate my needs seem like a logistical nightmare, I'm not entirely sure it's going to be all that fulfilling. This might make me sound like a dork to your audience, but with one exception, I've only ever had sex with people that I love. And that exception was not a particularly enjoyable experience.
My wife and I still love each other very, very much, and we have agreed to carve out more time for each other and find different ways to be intimate and connect without sex. She's going to start therapy, I'm going to continue mine, and we'll probably do some couples counseling as well.
I do not want to break my family apart over this issue. I just, I can't imagine doing that to my kids. But does this sound like something that's salvageable or am I just delaying the inevitable in trying to save this marriage? I can't tell you whether this marriage can be saved or not. What isn't going to work though, what has to go, is the DADT arrangement that your wife wants to impose on you. That's not going to work. Companionate, that would work.
And open. That would work. But you're only allowed to have sex with other people so long as you honor this condition that your wife is imposing on you that is... because of how you know yourself and the way you function sexually and emotionally and erotically will make it functionally impossible for you to have sex with other people. That's not a fix. Something to discuss maybe with the couples counselor that your wife.
doesn't want to be sexual anymore, wants to be released from the promise that she made you when you guys... made a monogamous commitment to each other which was to take care of each other's sexual needs for the rest of your lives to meet each other's sexual needs which is a condition i think and a reasonable one a reasonable expectation
of a sexually exclusive relationship. And she is releasing you from that and relieving herself and releasing you of the burden of having to meet your sexual needs, which she's not interested in. But DADT. Might work for other men. Not going to work for you because you are Demi because sex absent, some sort of romantic connection.
You're not interested. That doesn't work for you. That's not sex that you want to have. It may not even be sex you can have. So this is not a solution. And you're going to have to fight about this. You're going to have to come to some other agreement. You're going to have to revisit this part of the conversation. Or you'll have to end this marriage. If your wife could never sign off on you.
basically having another girlfriend, having a girlfriend, having another partner, your companion at marriage isn't going to work because sexlessness isn't going to work for you. And what your wife is asking is going to result in not just a companionate marriage, but a sexless existence for you, that condition that she can never know about it. And it can't be anybody that you have a connection with. Yeah. Yeah.
You're going to have to fight her on that. And in fighting her on that, you are fighting for your marriage. You are fighting to save what it is that you both want. which is your marriage, your relationship, your connection, your history together, the family you've created, the kids you're raising together. You are fighting for all of that. You aren't just fighting to get your dick wet. You aren't just fighting.
to go have sex with somebody. Winning this fight, and it's a fight you should fight, winning this fight saves your marriage. This episode is sponsored by Foria, makers of Awaken Arousal Oil, Intimacy Melts, and Sex Oil. Can you possibly think of a better gift to give your partner than sex oil? Because I can't. Awaken Arousal Oil?
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Hi, Dan. 35-year-old by cis woman calling from Toronto, Canada with a question about healing my relationship with a newfound kink. For a little bit of background, I matched with a gentleman on field whose profile is dedicated to discipline in a very specific way. And in the span of a week, had a series of like really enlightening conversations where I was suddenly processing childhood trauma.
corner than I've ever been and was more adventurous and vulnerable and open and generally feeling really good and the great thing about it was that it felt like I discovered something that was mine like it was something that had been buried inside my mind the whole time. Fast forward a couple of weeks and this gentleman ghosted me under very mysterious circumstances.
Everything was totally normal. He actually put together a protocol for my primary partner to do with me. He checked to see how it went. And then I never heard from him again. Obviously, I have feelings about the ghost thing.
I spoke with a friend that he could literally be dead because of how abrupt his disappearance was, even though I don't think that he is. But the main issue is that now when I go to reach for this kink, What I find waiting for me is just a slew of horrible feelings, sadness, anger, vulnerability, fear in this way that I've never experienced before.
partner. I also have a friend with benefits are both one of the kind, supportive in GGG and very keen to help me explore this thing that I had shared with them I was opening up to. But now... It just feels like the thing has been replaced with grief. If someone tries to introduce it into play, I start crying. I'm immediately stricken with grief when I try to afford on my own independently.
I'm overcome with sadness and anger. So I guess I'm really unclear. I don't know how to move forward. I felt like the thing was mine. And now when I go to reach for it, it feels... not like my it almost it feels threatening almost like i was rejected by the kink itself um and what i had
kind of controlled myself with that well you know what at least you learned something about yourself and you can go and you can take this and do what you want with it but i can't actually anytime i try to do what i want with it I'm smacked over the head with these horrible feelings that are making it increasingly so I don't even want to look at the sex. On the one hand, I want to say...
Bitch, have you ever been dumped before? It happens. You are seeing somebody and it feels like it's going really well and the sex is really great and suddenly they don't want to fuck you anymore. They ghost you. It happens. And if it had happened to you before a couple of times, maybe you wouldn't be as devastated as you are right now, because apparently this is the first time you've ever been dumped. On the other hand, I want to say...
Yeah, kink is big. And DS play, power exchange, that can stir up big feelings, big emotions. And it is often true that... Somebody who thought themselves to be pretty vanilla, primarily vanilla, will meet with or get with somebody who's into kink and there's just a vibe and it opens a door. that they didn't know was there to a part of their sexuality. It unlocks a part of their erotic imagination that they'd never tapped into before. And it all comes pouring out.
And it can feel a little bit whelming, sometimes overwhelming. And what you wanted, as you rode the rapids of all these kinks pouring out of this door they didn't even know was there, you wanted him to be. with you for that ride to, to, to be there along with you for that ride that in a way he initiated or he inspired.
He unlocked that door. He helped you find it and helped you unlock it or you guys unlocked it together. And now he's disappeared on you and you're left with these big feelings. So yeah, on the one hand, bitch, you ever been done before? On the other hand, I kind of get it. So what do you do? Well, you can get yourself into therapy. That might help. If you're overwhelmed by emotions, you can't quite articulate when somebody wants to.
use fuzzy pink handcuffs on you and you begin to weep. Yeah, that might be time to call in a therapist and unpack this at greater length. Or you can do that thing that I tell people to do, which is closure. Sometimes
Always, closure is not a gift somebody else gives you. It's an action that you take. It's something you give yourself. And you can just say, there are two different things here. There's the anger and hurt and humiliation of... having been ghosted by this person who seemed to be into me and who i was into and made myself vulnerable with and that sucks and i'm going to make a mental note never to do that to anybody else because i didn't like it when that happened to me
But there's all this stuff. There's this kink and this play and these new places I can go with my lovers. And I'm going to go there and I'm going to see these as two different things. The rejection. Oh, it sucks. The kink. Oh. potentially really awesome and i'm gonna will myself to tear these two things apart not to link these things anymore and not allow myself to feel so sad and bad
Which is easier said than done because you got to fucking feel your feelings. And what would be so terrible if one of your other partners wanted to explore some BDSM or power exchange or DS. play with you and you were overwhelmed with these feelings and you cry. What would be so terrible about that? Maybe crying it out is what you need to do to purge.
these feelings maybe enjoying the intensity of the play if not with your the partners you already have maybe kink doesn't work with them for you emotionally but with somebody else and it triggers all of these big feelings maybe eventually Those big feelings will run their course and you'll be left with all of these new toys, these new kinds of sexual play and sexual activity and sexual dynamics that excite you. I would risk it.
Especially with the partners you already have, who care about you, that you know and love and trust. If they understand that going there, going into kink, that there's even a 50, 50, 70, 30 chance. That you're going to end up needing to be held, needing to cry it out after or during. And they're willing to be that person who pivots from...
kink to aftercare or mid-care and then back to the kink? Let them. Take yes for an answer. You're getting two big yeses, two big wins from the universe right now. You've got people in your life who care about you, who want to fuck you, who want to go there with you. And you have these new sexual interests, experiences, capacities that this shitty guy who ghosted you left you with. Don't let the way he exited your life cheat you of those gifts.
All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left in last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love. Says Thingamajig, regarding the dad whose son got in trouble for saying that's so gay at school.
The advice was good, but a big piece was missing. Has dad ever said very clearly to his son that gay people exist in the world as friends and teachers and firefighters and actors and athletes and parents and everything else and that they have nothing to be ashamed of? He needs to. Dan's advice contained a lot of good and important nuanced ideas, but I think dad needs to start with the very basic in this house we believe conversation about bigotry.
being wrong. Another issue people raised in comments, dad needs to back the teacher up on this, which I agree with. His kid broke a rule, got detention. That is how it goes, says dravity for the caller whose girlfriend's vagina. is irritated after five rounds of PIV. It does sound possible that it's just too much sex, but one thing they might try is different lube. Many of the standard drugstore lubes like Astroglide or KY have ingredients that are irritating. to vaginal skin.
Try one that is pH balanced and has minimal ingredients like Good Clean Love or Uber Lube. In my experience, they don't work as well as lubes or feel as good, but they don't leave me all irritated and puffed up afterward. Another possible issue people raise. in the comments if the caller and his girlfriend are using condoms, which these days I assume people aren't unless they say that they are. The caller's girlfriend could have a latex sensitivity.
Or an allergy. Says Beep Boop about the same call. As a guy with a big dick and a petite girlfriend, I have lived this experience. Aside from lots of silicone lube, being gentle and building trust. What it really came down to was consistently having sex to keep her used to my size, where when that wasn't possible, her using vaginal dilators were a dildo when we could not have sex frequently.
Thanks, Beep Boop, for that comment. But have you really lived this experience? You've been the source of vaginal soreness. You've induced it and you have some... Insight, and we appreciate your comment, but I would say it was your girlfriend who lived it. And finally, a comment on Instagram from Leather Rubber Muscle.
Thank you both, Dan and author Lee Cowart, for the chat about masochism and sadism. It is not every day that a pain pig like me feels so seen and heard and understood. Cannot wait to read Lee's book. Savage Love, making pain pigs feel seen since 1991. All right. For more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday.
That's savage.love. And now, everyone's favorite part of the show, mine included the part where I shut my big gay mouth and my listeners get the last word. Hi, I'm calling in response to the caller who had a psychic connection with a person. that they're not sure how to talk to this with their partner or their wife. I'm a person in long-term recovery, and this caller mentioned that they've been sober since January, and it's December.
Don't want this to sound patronizing at all, but they've been sober since January. Sometimes our brain seeks out other thrills and adrenaline rushes and excitements. compensate for the lack of whatever substance we were using to help us to cope or whatever. And so I myself have had many of what I would, you could even refer to it as like a psychic connection, like a very exciting NRE, crust style, can't help but notice all of the wild coincidences that are happening.
And sometimes what it is, it's our brain looking for little happy moments to give us that excitement that we missed from when we were drinking or using other substances. And it's... probably not worth, if you don't believe that your wife is on that same wavelength as you are spiritually, it might be worth maybe bringing up but maybe waiting and seeing if these feelings subside.
Hi Dan, I'm a tech-savvy at-risk youth. This is a response to a caller that talks about a psychic connection with someone and that it's a bit scary and they're feeling quite a lot from it i want to offer because dan mentioned that he doesn't believe in that stuff which is totally fine i very much do i'm very much like you i have lots of
connections with people in that way lots of psychic experiences lots of clairvoyant experiences and i'd like to offer you something that i learned this year and it's that Not all connections of this nature are meant to happen. Sometimes they're karmic connections and sometimes it's someone from the past that... comes to you and they seem familiar and they feel familiar and they feel so good but it doesn't necessarily mean that you should go for it
It could also just mean that you are looking back at a moment in your past, a past life, whatever you think, whatever you feel about that. And this could be a warning. It could be an opportunity to... Look at that person and think, hmm. i feel something here but maybe that karma is complete maybe i don't need to entertain that maybe it's a person from my past that feels familiar because we've been here before but if i delve in it will really open up
a new can of beans, worms. And sometimes it's just a karmic connection that you're just not meant to go for again. Hi Dan, this is in response to episode 944, the caller who had developed a psychic connection with someone and wasn't sure how to talk to his spouse about it. I'm going to go ahead and say that...
You could probably just have her listen to that call and you'll get to the bit where you describe her as your current wife. And probably after that, no further conversation needed. That should suffice. And we are going to leave it.
There. We've got three ways for you to get us your questions and comments for future shows. You can record and upload your question and comment directly onto our website at savage.love slash askdan. Or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love. Or you can call our landline like it's 1999 and leave us a message at 206-302-2064.
The Hump 2025 submissions are in. We've got hundreds of them. The Hump Jury meets to watch all of the films on Wednesday. Do say a little prayer for us. It is going to be a long day watching a lot of great short... porn films we cannot wait. And then, speaking of things we cannot wait for, the Hump 20th Anniversary Film Festival and Tour kicks off in San Francisco in February. And tickets for Hump 2025, our 20th anniversary.
Hump Film Fest will go on sale tomorrow, December 11th at humpfilmfest.com. Follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage. Follow Ashley Ray on Instagram and threads and Twitter and Blue Sky at TheAshleyRay. Check out her website, TheAshleyRay.com. And to read her deep dive investigation. to the JonBenet Ramsey case, check out her substack, deeptrouble.substack.com.
The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hertunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at-risk youth. We will all be back at you next week on the installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for tap-loading.