You're listening to the micro version of The Savage Lovecast at Savage.loaf. The New York Times had a story this week that I wanted to highlight because it confirmed a couple of my priors. There's been a lot of that
going around in the last two weeks. A lot of people out there looking for stories that confirm their priors and I guess I'm no exception. But I didn't find this particular prior confirming story in the news, politics or opinion sections of the paper, which is where most people are finding stories that confirm their priors since Kamala Harris lost the election to Donald Trump two weeks ago. No, I found this piece in the travel section and it's not about the election or fleeing the country. It's about, well,
it's about tourists who travel to places to have sex with other tourists. The New York Times can't call it sex tourism because that term has very negative connotations. Sex tourism is typically used to refer to people who go someplace far from home to commit a sex crime. Which forced the New York Times editors to go with a somewhat clunkier descriptor of this piece, this story about tourists going places to have sex with other tourists, maybe a local or two isn't a story.
a story about sex tourism, it is a story, according to the editors of the New York Times travel section, about how, quote, the tourism industry has embraced the sexual wellness trend in the years since the pandemic ended. The piece, under the headline, traveling for a cuddle or more at European sex parties, opens with Olivia and her husband who traveled to Venice back in February to attend a sex party hosted by a female-focused
sex party club called Killing Kittens. They went to help them reconnect with each other, sexually after many years of marriage. The couple, writes as Mae Benjamin, was finding it hard to do anything spicy at home, what with their two teenage children around and the dirty laundry piling up. But instead of a gondola ride or a canal side dinner, the story continues.
The couple made their way to a private Venetian palazzo where around 150 guests, sip champagne and ate oysters while listening to a classical pianist and a string quartet while downstairs, a dungeon master demonstrated spanking and other basic BDSM techniques. All right, prior number one of mine confirmed by this piece, Mr. and Mrs. Olivia, doing what I'm constantly telling couples and long-term committed relationships to do.
If you want to get that sexual spark back, go on a sexual adventure together. At the start of your relationship before kids and laundry start piling up, adventurous sex is effortless because at the start, you're the adventure there on, they're the adventure you're on. But at some point, to get that sense of adventure back,
to get back to adventurous sex, you got to make an effort. And if you have the money, that effort can look like flying to Venice for a sex party where the ticket prices started at $630 per couple. Prior number two of mine confirmed by this piece, when you make plans to go to an event like that and gay couples, we were going to sex parties like that long before the pandemic. The reconnecting starts before you get on the plane. You get horny, an anticipation of
the adventure you're about to have together. You get horny thinking about what you're gonna do and you start fucking before you go. And then once you get home, you think about the adventure, you just had and it keeps you horny and you keep fucking. Or as another satisfied customer said about the sex party, he attended in Paris, this one hosted by a group called Pinkie Promise, where did they get those names? The electricity came home with us. Exactly just like I told you it would.
Prior number three of mine confirmed by this piece, most of the couples jetting off to these kinds of parties are monogamous. Or they're believed to be monogamous by the family and friends they allow to assume they're monogamous. Their neighbors and co-workers, they think they went to Venice in February to ride around in gondolas in the pouring rain. So as I've said about a million times or more to
people who tell me they don't know any non monogamous couples, you actually do. You know couples who are non monogamous, you just don't know, you know them. Couple of quick concerns about this piece, jetting off to Venice is great but not sustainable, environmentally or for many people financially. These sex parties, they have enormous carbon footprint. And I'm not throwing stones from my glass house. I have flown places to fuck, but the more people who fly to Venice, the sooner there's
no Venice. And Venice is already choking on tourists. There's a certain poetic justice in thinking about tourists who come to Venice to choke on other tourists, but there's still tourists choking Venice. Also, killing kittens events are all you can eat, but they don't serve breakfast, lunch or dinner. So again, not everyone can afford to reconnect like this. Another price you pay, along with meals and hotel rooms for an sexual adventure like this, greater risk of contracting an
STI or spreading one. Welcome to being an event asexual. You've got to be a little bit more vigilant about your health. If you go to events like this, get tested before and after. If you get something, get treated. And if possible, notify your sex partners. Then I got to say one last little reservation or consideration. If every time you want to reconnect with your spouse, if every time you want to get that spark back, you have to fly to Venice or France or Berlin, you're probably not
going to reconnect with your spouse that often. So you'll want to find a way to have adventures a little closer to home. I realize local sex parties are scarier because you might run into, or run through your boss or his wife or her wife or your presumed to be monogamous neighbors, or parents. Damn it. I was trying to talk you into a local sex party and I just talked myself out of going to one. Finally, got to love this comment. I'm the New York Times top comment on
this story, which also confirms the prior of mine. We can get a ways to orgies in Venice and Paris and the GOP wanted you to believe the economy is weak. Yeah, my ultimate prior, the GOP lied to you. They lied to us. They've been lying to us for 50 years about everything. All right. Coming up on today's show, as ever, tons of your cues, lots of my A's and my guests
this week on the Magnum Tracy Shorn, AKA chump lady. Tracy was betrayed by her husband turns out, he was leading a secret double life, cheating on her, putting her at risk, other crazy shit. And now on her blog, her podcast and in her book, Tracy is a fiery, foul mouth advocate for as she calls them, her fellow chumps. Tracy is a critic of the reconciliation industrial complex of which she thinks I am a part, not a fan of couples, counselors, authors and advice columnists
who encourage people to maybe think about taking a cheater back. I don't usually argue with my guests, but Tracy and I really got into it in a passionate but polite way. It can be done. There's a little bit of my argument with Tracy on the micro. All of it is on the Magnum. If you've been thinking about becoming a Magnum sub, this might be a good week to do it. And speaking of my subs from now until December 31, year-long gift subscriptions to the Magnum,
Savage Lovecast are half off. That's only $24 for a year of Magnum Magic, which includes the longer ad free show, Access to Lovecast going back to 2006, Sex and Politics. And we have a new sex and politics coming out later this week, where I do a little election post-mortem with writer Peter Rothplats. What else so much else? Savage Love Live Zoom Hangouts discounted hump tickets, all of Savage Love's struggle sessions and more. Our subs help us keep the good sex content coming
here. They also help us keep the lights on and the tech-sabby at-risk youth fed this holiday season, give your loved one or how give your worst enemy a gift that won't end up in a landfill, give them the love cast. All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Liberator, Makers of Pillows, Shapes, Wedges and Furniture for new and exciting sex. Just for Black Friday, Liberator is offering an additional 10% off site-wide exclusively for our listeners.
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Better Sleep starts now. This episode is brought to you by Forria. Forria, Makers of Awakened Arousal Oil, Intimacy Meltz and Sex Oil. Get 20% off your first order by visiting forriawellness.com slash Savage and using code Savage at checkout. Hey, Dan, Nancy and the tech savvy youth. So I've been dating a guy for about two and a half years. Our original connection was through Kink. It's developed into a more serious relationship. We
live together in a small town. We are open, although we don't pursue it because primarily we're lazy. But anyways, he travels for work and he has disclosed to me that when he's traveling, he visits Asian massage places, also known quote-unquote as wax shacks. And I have shared with him that while I think it's great that he's finding pleasure and he's getting a some bodywork done at a good price, I just concerned about the ethics of how these workers are being taken advantage of as well as
a probability of being sex trafficked. And he's assured me that he tries to find quote-unquote legit places that don't feel too creepy. But I have some judgment about it. The other layer of that is he also has been really transparent about his interest in race play specifically with Asian women. I know that some of the porn that he watches is pretty extreme where there's a lot of racial flares, a lot of degradation. You know, he really likes people doing kind of gross things for him,
as he identifies as a dom. And that doesn't align for me. And while I don't entirely understand it, I accept it and feel really happy that he shares openly. But the problem is I think that the overlay of the two, the combination of the whack shack and then the knowledge of what his primary kink orientation is, they're kind of influencing me to be pretty judgmental. And I don't want to end the relationship because it's really quite healthy and wonderful. But I also just,
it just doesn't align with my values a lot of that. And so I'm just really having a hard time deciding what to do. I think I don't want to think about this question. I don't want to think about your problem and your boyfriend. But you have tasked me with thinking about your problem and your boyfriend. And the reason I don't want to think about it is because I'm not really allowed to say anything about race play into a microphone that isn't feed that man into a woodchipper.
Basically, people are into race play often over the years when we've gotten questions about race play. It's not from some awful white person who wants to engage in race play or just again to engage in race play tinged with as it almost always is degradation and eroticized white supremacy. On some unsuspecting person of color sex partner often when I get calls about race play almost every call I've ever gotten about race play. It's a white person who's been asked to engage in it
by a person of color by a black person or an Asian person who's turned on by it. A lot of people's fantasies, almost most people's fantasies, almost all hinky people have sub-e fantasies. And a lot of people with race play fantasies that are sub-e are people of color with race play fantasies. And again, all the calls, most of the calls I've gotten about race play are from a white person who's uncomfortable with what a black or Asian person has asked them to do or say during sex.
Yours is the rare call about race play where it is the white person in the dom roll who is interested in race play. I'm not saying that that's a black swan event. I'm not saying that that. Those people aren't out there that they don't exist. Just they usually don't call and they didn't. He didn't. You did and you're the partner. So what do you do? Well, this makes you uncomfortable. You worry that he may be patronizing, whack shacks, jack shacks, massage parlors. We're not everybody working.
There's thrilled about working there and that is possible. You could be doing his due diligence and not doing it well enough, not motivated to do it very well because he wants to go more than he wants to find out that he shouldn't go to this particular jack shack that he's interested in going to or he could just be lying to you about doing any due diligence about the places he patronizes at all. I will say that if he does go to a place the odds that he is engaging in active race play
in deas degradation scenes with the masseuses in an establishment like that. Probably now is probably not a lot of conversation going on and you can't control what's going on between his ears while he's getting a massage. What he might be thinking about or fantasizing about. Which means you just have to like I wanted to after listening to your call. Not think about it.
If you're not going to break up with him over his fantasies and problematic kinks and nobody chooses their kinks we choose how we act on them and we can act on even problematic kinks in non problematic ways with a consenting adult partner or partners ideally whose interest matches
our own who isn't just going along with something that may be doing them psychological damage because they want to please you or because they need the hundred dollar tip you can encourage him to tip and tip well that might make you feel the less guilty about what he's doing on the assumption that the establishment the woman he's tipping is working for isn't seizing her tips which does
sometimes happen. Yeah don't think about it or break up with him those are your options like he's going to do this he's probably going to do this even if you told him you didn't want him doing this or you forbid him from doing this ever again going to these places and you can't reach into his erotic imagination you can't reach into that motherboard and gank out his problematic sexual
fantasies about quote unquote race play. Don't think about it if you're not going to break up with him over it just will yourself not to think about it which is what I'm going to do now I am not going to think about your question or your boyfriend anymore. This episode is brought to you by liberator I am excited to be able to talk about liberator on the show because liberator makes great sex pillows wedges bolsters furniture and more all great stuff that can add hot new dimensions and
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dot com let them know the love cast set you by using the promo code savage and getting that discount again i'm a mid 30s polypan person from the Midwest and i have college to talk about monogamy dorms that fall into polyamory and was wondering what your perspectives
would be about how people in polyamory tend to fall into the relationship escalator default monogamy standards while in polyamorous commitments with other people how to address that situation in the kindest way while adhering to the campsite rule of leaving this person better than
when you found them i find that many people don't have the dtr conversation defining the relationship and default to we are now a couple we now text every day we now see each other every week or demi-weekly or every other week where they have expectations of what this relationship is supposed
to look like just based off of previous relationships in monogamy or maybe not i'm not sure so again what's your perspective on this are these monogamous norms is this just a preference for people i'm curious what a poly a pure poly relationship a poly relationship untainted by default
monogamous settings would look like for you if a text every once in a while or seeing somebody once a week or once every two weeks is an unrealistic kind of monogamy style crushing expectation if it's a relationship you got to show up for that person and yeah that can
feel like an obligation and is kind of an obligation but if you're happy to be in that relationship and free to end that relationship if you're not but if you're happy to be in that relationship it shouldn't feel crushing to respond to a text every once in a while or send a text every once in
a while and show the fuck up once or twice a week and fuck that person or hang out with that person or watch a movie with that person so i'm just really curious about how you're framing this because you're saying you're in relationships and poly relationships okay what does a poly relationship
look like in the absence of seeing that person or communicating with that person i don't think seeing someone that you're seeing is somehow monogamy coded or communicating with somebody that you're seeing about when you're going to see them or just that you were thinking of them is also
somehow monogamy coded or relationship escalator adjacent in a way that would make a polyamorous person or a person who practices polyamory i don't think people are monogamous or are poly in the way people are gay or are straight i think that poly is a relationship model that works for people
monogamy is a relationship model that works for other people and there may be times in a person's life when a monogamous model worked for them time in the same person's life when a polyamorous model or an open relationship model might work for them i don't think poly and monogamy are
identities or sexual orientations they are relationship preferences anyway a little digression there so you describe a text every once in a while seeing somebody that you're seeing every once in a while as somehow unrealistic expectations about what a
relationship is supposed to look like and i'm just again turning this back to you and asking you what does a relationship in the absence of those perfectly reasonable minimal expectations look like are you in a poly relationship with somebody that you don't call text with or see
unless you happen to run into them all relationships require some effort in maintaining and sustaining them and some attention and i guess you could describe those as obligations and maybe describing them as obligations ruin them for you but those obligations shouldn't feel like obligations in the context of a relationship that you're happy to be in and again free to exit if you're unhappy to be in that relationship but guess i don't quite follow the premise of your question then you're
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hello den and ante i'm a 39 year old gay man living in Toronto, Canada i'm currently in an open relationship with my boyfriend and we've been together in nearly two years this is my first relationship in a long time so after so many years of being single sharing my life has been an
adjustment but we're in a really good place we love each other very much we're crazy about each other and we're even making plans to move in together a recent challenge has been sex up until recently we were only doing things like oral and jerking off and but i had been telling them for
a while that i needed more and he wasn't ready to get there yet he had never had anal sex never had anything up his butt and the few times we had trit he wasn't getting much pleasure out of it but after giving him a lot of patience and time and all we talked it out we're finally in a good
place and we're having a healthy sexual relationship the thing is is that he's just starting off as a bottom and i'm an experienced verse bottom and we're progressing slowly in that area the thing though is that he wants to be able to top me and the situation is though he has a small dick
and i have a big dick and he can't really penetrate me and i'm not going to lie i would love to have my boyfriend penetrate me because i love the sensation of getting fucked but so i was hoping that maybe there was something you could recommend and tell me that we could try for the record i do
own dildos and that i do use them myself i'm i'm experienced with that but it's not quite the same of getting fucked by your partner so i was hoping there was something you might be able to recommend because the only thing i can think of right now is he wears a strap on i just want to
jump in here right at the start and say you and your boyfriend were having oral sex and jerking off together mutual masturbation and you weren't fully satisfied because you also wanted to have anal sex and now you are you are fucking the shit out of your boyfriend and the way you
describe your sexual relationship now is finally we're in a good place where we're having a healthy sexual relationship uh if you were satisfied with mutual masturbation and oral sex there wouldn't be anything unhealthy about the sexual relationship that you had with your boyfriend there are guys
out there gay guys out there who learn into anal at all dr. Joe court finally gave them a name to rally around sides and i just don't want to equate you know having anal sex in the context of a gay relationship with having a fully realized healthy sexual relationship you know a fully realized
mutually fulfilling sexual relationship that doesn't involve anybody getting fucked in the ass ever all right to the specifics of your problem yours and your boyfriend's problem your boyfriend knows he has a small dick right your boyfriend knows that when he's tried to
penetrate you he can't quite do it either because he's got a small dick or you've got a fat ass or it's some combo of both you got to work with what you got right and work around what you don't got and he doesn't have a big enough dick long enough dick to penetrate you and you do have a bunch
of dildos laying around this has come up on the podcast a few times recently strap on dildos pegging not just for lesbians anymore even the oxford english dictionary after they added pegging to the dictionary clarified that when the term was first coined in my column that it specifically
referenced a man getting fucked in the ass by a woman with a strap on dildo and now it's not tied to any genders a lesbian can peg her partner a straight man can get pegged by his partner a gay man can peg his partner get pegged by his partner and it does replicate very closely the
feeling of getting fucked because you are getting fucked with a strap on dildo and hopefully your boyfriend would rather succeed at pegging you than fail at fucking you with his dick and you can still pleasure each other and you can get off he can come on your hall and then fuck you with a big
strap on dildo or fuck you with a strap on dildo and then come into your gaping hole when he's done dicking you down dildo and strap on and pegging style but I realize that this is tricky a tricky thing to talk about because there are guys out there with small dicks who know it and are willing
to talk about it and do what they need to do to work around it and work with what they got and there are guys out there who are kind of in denial about it and being honest about what their dick can do for you and can't do for you can really hurt their feeling really traumatized
them because they're so so conscious about the size of their dick but hopefully your boyfriend do you say your 39 hopefully your boyfriend is close to you an age and he has come to love his dick for what it is and is aware of what he's got what he doesn't got and is grateful to the
universe that he lives in a time when he can have the dick he has enjoy the dick he has that you can enjoy the dick he has and he can also have the dick of your dreams and his dreams whenever he wants to strap that dick on to this episode is sponsored by for you makers of awakened arousal oil
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Tracy Shorn a journalist and cartoonist who runs the popular advice site chump lady Tracy is the author of leave a cheater gain a life the chump lady's survival guide to infidelity and she is not full disclosure a fan of mine Esther Perales or Caroline Haxes not really a fan of my latest neologism tally amory which we will get to but first Tracy welcome to the show hey thanks for having
me so how are you at chump who chumped you what's chumping? chumping is just my turn for being cheated on but um I thought all the language around infidelity was really soppy and kind of awful so I mixed it up so um yeah chump just means to be played for a fool and you can't be chumped without a con
artist or a con person deceiving you so so I use the term so some people take offense at it because I think I'm calling them stupid but you know you feel stupid when you've been chumped you know so it fits so I'm chump late I did do a deep dive into your columns after some stumbling
over the one about tally amory and there's a lot of solidarity like yeah you've sort of done that thing that queer people did when we reclaimed baguette dyke sissy and made them our own and terms of affection and in-group signaling by creating this community of people who identify
as chumps people who were played for fools by the men or women but usually the men who were cheating on them and that's the create community you've created there at chump ladies really amazing well thank you yeah I mean a lot of people were kind of looking for a new narrative yeah yeah how did
you come to be chump lady? oh well chump lady came later but my my actual chump experiences I was briefly married to a guy for about six months and I I moved to another state with him for his job with my money don't do that women and six months after we've been bought a house and I move my kid
and all this his mistress of 20 years called me and informed me of his existence and he had a double life going back decades and I long story short it was like a date line special when I confronted him he and to kill me I got out I found myself spending a lot of time on boards giving the kind of
advice I wished was out there and then eventually after I rebuilt my life years later happily remarried for 14 years my husband was like you you should write a book you should start a blog so yeah I kind of took on this persona because all the advice sucked and I still do it because the
advice sucked and the advice was when I went through it what did you do to make him or her cheat and how are you going to improve yourself to win them back and the number one bestselling book in 2006 when I went through this was Ann Perts and it's an evangelical book my husband's affair became the
best thing that ever happened to me and I just think that's bullshit so yeah eventually I took back the narrative your experience with infidelity is a pretty extreme example of deceit deception a man married you almost under false pretenses obtained you to marriage under false pretenses
was living a double life do you see the distinction between that really kind of crushing sort of infidelity experience or what he did was just so cruel and sadistic and over the top and didn't yeah a negation of your personhood but and the difference between that and like
some married dude who 20 years into a marriage got a hand job on a business trip from Emma Sues it's on a spectrum and I I always come back to what's acceptable for you in a relationship but I would just say if you spend any time on my blog you will realize that I'm a very mild case right I
served like a six month sentence and then you know it's I spent some time less than a year in the reconciliation trenches and I was out and this is a bad blip in my life I learned a lot from it but people come to me with they are heroic getting out of it but horrific stories and I would say yeah
the hand job whatever that's how all the infidelity discourse talks about it I got drunk at a cop I hooked up with a coworker you know your hard ass why can't you forgive that's how we put infidelity we talk about it so one off it's a mistake a casual you know versus double lives and
when I I've got millions I've been doing this 12 years millions of stories got out of my sight and I'm telling you serial cheating is a lifestyle for many people and that's what the Ashley Madison hack revealed the ends of people who have double sexual double lives and and that's just that's
what they do right I am not an outlier and people what what I'm arguing and what people who come to my sight argue is that what you don't know can hurt you especially for women we get STDs you can get cancers so many people have come to my sight who've had prenatal screenings and found
STDs they've lost pregnancies women have had cervical I mean like I'm the big bummer right I'm the keeper of the stories of what it's like to when the dick wanders and what happens it's not just dick that wanders in oh no women wanders you I don't know we got all sorts of cheating people
and to your point about the gender split older women I mean the Google breakdown older women comment you know women over 40 or something comment most of my sight most people who read are between like 35 and 45 but almost half my readership at least if you believe the analytic software I don't
know is men but they lurk so yeah women cheat too sure of course they do it's a human problem right it's not a it's a rainbow nation of fuck with tracy shore and journalist cartoonist leads runs riots the popular advice site chump lady author of leave a cheater gain a life the chump lady's
survival guide to infidelity tracy I had so much fun sparring with you I get questions about cheating and infidelity all the time and I guess I sometimes need a reality check or a gut check or a different POV so I want you to come back okay I'd love to thanks that's fun
this is just a taste of my conversation with tracy shorn tracy and I really go at it it's a hearty healthy polite debate it's all in the magnum version of the show which you can subscribe to and support us over at savage dot love hey dan 35 year old lesbian on the east coast recently married
in a wonderful relationship a few years ago I was in a long term poly relationship of seven years and it had its ups and downs but it really did teach me a lot about communication my personal wants and needs they didn't end graciously though over a christmas break with her family her brother
brother and law and other partner had gotten absolutely wasted and kept the whole house up past 3 a.m. I had finally had enough and asked them kindly to stop drinking and go to bed it was christmas eve and her parents nor me nor my partner could sleep and she had asked me to go talk to
them her brother and all proceeded to berate me say hateful things and set a relationship would never be accepted that I would never be accepted and that I should just shut the fuck up and go back to sleep he is a towering six foot man and was in my face threatening me and I had felt so
terrible after that I had to try and like look for a hotel on christmas eve which was impossible the next morning I had confronted him and he refused to apologize and we got into a huge fight and led to him kicking me out my partner had gone with me as support but she was very unhappy about it
and very unhelpful and it just led to a huge fight between the entire family they made excuses for him so that he couldn't be held responsible because he was drinking there was a big reason why we broke up and I never talked to them again so skip to now a few years later she kind of wants
to reconnect apologize but I'm still sour really after all this time and even when I tried to talk about it with other poly people I was told that it was my fault for not knowing my place in the relationship and the confronting her family wasn't my job and I was honestly shocked by this
response and I think I still carry this weird weight of am I not allowed to speak my peace in my partner's family especially when we were together that long I don't have that issue now and my wife's family is so wonderful but was I wrong for how I handled that situation was it my place are we
not supposed to speak up and someone else's family dynamic so let me get this straight Christmas Eve your brother your partner's brother in law and your partner's other partner are getting shit faced on Christmas Eve it's 3 a.m. they're making tons of noise and your partner asks
you to go confront them and tell them to shut the fuck up and stop drinking and go to bed and you do that and then there's a giant shit show and your partner's brother in law throws you out of the house and then there's a confrontation with the brother in law the next day happy Christmas and
your partner is there and says nothing in your defense leaves you hanging out there hangs you out to dry and so yeah you didn't do anything wrong here you're fucking ex partner did everything wrong here she couldn't face confronting her own family members for reasons that seem obvious now
and deputized you or asked you maybe even manipulated you into going out there and doing the dirty work that she should have done herself yes when it comes to conflicts with family members it is best best practice if the person who handles a conflict with a family member is one of the
original members of that family there's a conflict between you know there's something that your partner's family is doing that's driving you crazy you're driving you and your partner crazy that's something your partner handles they go in there and they talk to their family only on
rare occasions does it fall to the person who is the in law to confront their in laws about the shit that their in laws are pulling but it does happen but it happens rarely and it shouldn't have happened that night because your ex partner should have handled this and they didn't and so
why are you sitting there feeling guilty about what you did that night when you were doing what your partner asked you to do that night if anyone should feel guilty about how that went down it is your ex partner who is a coward and i'm sorry you're out of this relationship you've
moved the fuck on you married somebody else you don't have to reconnect with your ex to bomb their guilt fuck your ex and the poly people that you've met who think that you were in the wrong for confronting your ex partner's family and that wasn't your job I
kind of agree with them not that you were in the wrong for confronting your ex partner's family you were doing what your ex partner asked you to do but yeah as a general rule confronting family is not the job of the person who married into the family or polyd into the family it's the
job of the person who is born into that family but you didn't jump in to do that job without being asked you were tasked with doing that job you were asked to step up and you stepped up and it blew up in your face and your ex's face and then your ex was a fucking coward and just
fucking abandoned you to the abuse of her brother-in-law and brother and her other partner and so fuck your ex don't have anything to do with your ex just don't return her calls you don't have to assuage her guilt about how it went down by making nice with her now fuck her all right time
for listener feedback first up some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love says lust-bane denoxious black queer woman and long time subscriber here i appreciate that you started your call with therapy japh on the last love cast
by acknowledging your privilege and protection assist white men but the longer you converse stand the more white the conversation became just a reminder black women did what we always do which is vote for progress as we did in 2016 we overwhelmingly voted democratic in the
most recent election not to be mean but every time i hear someone say that they are surprised this is america it tends to be someone white great point lust-bane not gonna argue with you about that 92 percent of black women voted for heros up from the 90 percent of black women who voted for
Biden heros in 2020 another group where Dems gained ground one of the few i'm proud to say lgbt voters a demo that of course includes queer black men and women 86 percent of lgbt voters backed heros in 2024 up from 64 percent that backed bydon in 2020 an enormous swing oh my god if
only all voters out there voted like black women and lgbt people says math you to the body shy big Viking looking fella all six seasons of Vikings and the two season sequel are on Netflix now i would also suggest getting into a hobby that's physically active when you feel comfortable
moving in your body you'll be more comfortable in it all around and you'll meet people that's great advice math you quick shout out to no cute name and soft dig the magnificent superstar commenters at sabbush.love both had great advice for our lonely viking caller too long to read or share here
so if you're listening mr. viking please go dive into the comment thread on episode nine four one for more support and great advice from the sabbush.love community says invariant blackout to the caller who got the text from her boyfriend meant for the trans sex worker bisexual men exist attraction
to genitals doesn't always have anything to do with attraction to certain genders and you're asking all the wrong questions why doesn't matter if your boyfriend secretly gay or by or straight craving girl cock you should dump him if you can't deal with his inability to be honest with you or himself
about his desires and sexual activity yeah i agree dishonesty that is a problem but gotta say uh i can understand why a boyfriend's gayness secret or otherwise might matter to a straight woman i have a little less patience with women who are paranoid about their boyfriends being a tiny
bit bisexual but i do understand why a woman who stumbled over evidence that her boyfriend might be idbnd into dude but not dick would have questions also an attraction to certain genitals doesn't always indicate an attraction to a certain gender hey i'm the one out here trying to normalize idbnd
but an attraction to a certain kind of genitals does correlate very very strongly with an attraction to members of a certain sex not necessarily an exclusive attraction because bisexual people exist but an attraction nonetheless and i ought to say in addition to what i just had to say
your sexual orientation is relevant information that the person you're asking to make a commitment to you has a right to have so that their decision their consent to enter into the relationship comes from a place a fully informed consent so for more listener feedback check out struggle session
every thursday at savaget.love and now everyone's favorite part of the show might included the part where i shot my mouth and my listeners get to have the last word hey dan i'm a gay trans guy and i am calling about the big ginger viking guy i want to fuck him i can't believe it too you so long
to mention bears though and tell this guy that he really has to meet up with his local bear community sometimes gay pathos is have bear nights just being around other big guys who are into other big guys and who are friendly and nice to you because you're big and hairy and ginger
my ex described me as a twink and i love riding a guy with a big belly seriously hi dan this is a call in response to the viking who called last week who said that he hates his body i'm a bi woman here i'm very tall and i am fat so i understand how he feels because i was that
fat kid growing up too and i'm a tall fat woman now and myself consciousness about my body you still hold me back to i decided to put myself out there anyway even though i was scared of ridicule about my body i put myself out there for dating and play and what i learned was
there actually were a lot of men and women both who loved my big round stomach and my six eyes and my you know big pits and half that was desirable and they treated my body with such luffy reverence that it started to make me realize like no i actually am sexy i'm just not
conventionally sexy or like cosmo magazine sexy but i am sexy and there are people who believe that too hi dan this is a response call for the big red bisexual viking that was really struggling with his body image issues my friend you are my exact type i am a 39 year old bisexual woman
i like my men big i like them rugged i like them bearded and i love the idea of being pinned down by a big red viking and the fact that you're bisexual and i would also get the opportunity maybe to see you on your knees sucking a dick oh my god you are a fucking unicorn and you need to
get out in the world and if you ever happen to be in New Zealand look me up and we're gonna leave it there we've got three ways if you'd get us your questions and comments for future shows you can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savage.love slash act dan or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love or you can call our landline leave us a message at 206 302 206 4 the submission deadline for hump 2025
is coming right up hump of course is the best little dirty film festival in the world anyone can enter in addition to the ten thousand dollars in cash prizes awarded by hump audiences to their favorite filmmakers each filmmaker who gets into hump receives a percentage of every ticket sold
submissions for hump are due by December 6th all the info you need is at humpfilmfest.com slash submit follow me on instagram and threads at dan savage follow me at blue sky at dan savage and you can find Tracy shorn you can find her books her podcasts her advice column and her community
of chumps at chump lady dot com you can also follow Tracy on threads and instagram and twitter at chump lady savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartoonian and me and Nancy in the tech savvy at risk youth we will all be back out to next week my installment of the savage love cast thank you for downloading and hang in there