You're listening to the microversion of the Savage Lovecast at Savage.loaf. Many dangers and young adults are not going to like rivals. Alex Hassel, one of those straight guys, women find hot, but gay men do not. The reason one, episode one, close up of a man's ass. And it is not a shot of an ass in repose. It is a shot of an ass at work. The camera pulls back to reveal Alex Hassel's character, Rupert, having sex with a woman
on the Concord and the bathroom. The Concord was a supersonic jet that used to fly from London to New York and back in less than three hours. The Concord taken out of service in 2003, after never making a profit and then suddenly starting to crash a lot. With that opening sequence, it doesn't chase off all the teenage viewers, at least the ones pulled by UCLA, the montage at the end of the first episode, which featured every
main character fucking at least one other main character. That should do the trick. It was almost too much for me, and I carried a porn festival twice a year.
So anyway, this new study out of UCLA, teens and screens, found that 63.5% of young people between the ages of 10 and 24, which is a pretty broad, spread, age-wise, and includes people who are not teenagers, but 63.5% of the young people, more than 1200 of them, pulled, wanted to see more platonic relationships on their screens and fewer romantic and sexual relationships. That's up from the 51.5% of young people who told researchers the same thing last year.
By reaction, no one is forcing anyone to watch Saltburn against their will unless you count Terry, who I made watch Saltburn with me against his will, and he's still pretty mad about it. And no one has to watch rivals either, or the latest re-re-re-boot of cruel intentions. As Brooke Barnes points out in the New York Times, there seems to be a disconnect between what young people tell researchers they want to watch and what young people are
actually choosing to watch. The sex lives of college girls is popular with young people, as is the enane Emily in Paris. Tell me lies, a steamy soap about college kids, popular with young people, as is heart-stopper and anti-steamy soap that doesn't have much sex in it or any sex until late in season three, but does have an awful lot of making out in every
episode. And then there's sex education in Euphoria, also popular with young people. Yalta T. Oles, the founder for the Center for Scholars and Storytellers, which is based at UCLA and conducted this study, doesn't think kids are saying one thing to researchers, like her team, and then doing another. The problem she argues is the programming on offer is
based on what adults think young people want and not what young people actually want. Hollywood Storytellers, she argues, base their work on their own memories of their teenage years. Back when teenagers were having a lot more sex, but I've been to Hollywood. I would argue that a lot of what makes it out of the screen is what Hollywood Storytellers wish their teen years looked like. Back to Oles, teenagers, she concludes, are watching a lot of the
sexy shit on TV because they quote, have no other choice. Don't they? They haven't changed the name of Antique's Roadshow to Antique's Loadshow last time I checked and I just checked. And if you can't watch the golf channel without thinking about Arnold Palmer's penis, that's a U-problem, not a programming on the golf channel problem. In fact, there's a lot of programming out there that doesn't touch on sex or center sex. Now, what I detect
in this study is our old nemesis, the externalization of the internal conflict. If you find it hard to resist temptation, the temptations of internet porn or rent boy ass or the latest re re re reboot of cruel intentions, it's hard not to resent the thing or the person that tempts you, be they camgirl or rent boy or faceless Hollywood executive. But I get it, I do, I do get it. There's so much sexual content coming at us or available to us
at all times from all directions on all our devices. And that shit can be hard to resist and sometimes we wish there was less of it. Sex is a part of life. It's a part of the stories we tell about life, friendship, platonic relationships, also a part of life. And those relationships, friendships which are often more lasting and just as are more fulfilling even than our romantic relationships, pick up and read the other significant others.
Raina Cohen's really terrific book about friendship, maybe some Hollywood executives need to pick it up and option it, friendships, those kinds of platonic relationships. They do get short shrift in the stories they get told in the movies and on TV. So maybe we need more buddy comedies for the boys and more movies and TV shows about women whose friends are their friends and not their rivals for the girls. Maybe a Kaden Alley reboot
next, not another cruel intentions reboot. Alright, coming up on the show today, tons of your cues, lots of my A's and joining me on the Magnum Ace Dad is here. That's Cody Dagle Orion's coming on the show to talk about their new book, The Ace and Arrow Relationship Guide. And we discuss micro labels, whether straight identify asexuals are queer and whether ace folks are obligated to disclose their asexuality when dating known or suspected allos aka non-asexuals
or just you know, sexuals. That's on the Magnum also coming up for Magnum subs this Thursday a new sex and politics, Tim Kekko founder of the onion mile boss at the stranger and host of the brand new podcast, mush love joins me to talk about politics and mushrooms and do something I know Tim is good at give a little sex advice. And hey, don't want to dwell on it because everybody knows it next Tuesday election day next week show comes out on election
day. I remember what election day 2000 was like how stressful that day was and I solemnly promise that we will not be talking about politics on next week's show at all. If you need a break next Tuesday and you're going to need a break, remember the long wait for
results. We're pulling together a freaky show to take your mind off things. We're going to keep it weird in a good way on next week's love cast and you can help if you have an extra weird or crazy sex or relationship question or problem or hypothetical send it in by recording your question now on your phone and emailing it to us at q at savage.love or drop by savage.love and you can record your question and upload it directly on our website.
And finally vote blue no matter who from the top of the ticket herds waltz right to the bottom of your ballot and remember friends don't let friends vote for third party grifters because a vote for third party grifter candidate is a vote for Trump. Alright, let's get to the calls. This episode is brought to you by field an app where curious people come to connect download field on the app store or Google play and find out why so many of
my listeners are already using it. This episode of the love cast is brought to you by the good folks at square space. They make it easy to build a beautiful website blog or online store head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hey Dan and team by poly guy from Western Canada here. I've got a little bit of a situation.
I live early and I have one home on my property and I've been building a home next door by myself and I've been getting work traders now and that and so I trade room and board in exchange for labor and they live here and we share meals and they bring them out to have fun and things and how this really great Italian guy for a few weeks has been really
helpful. He's got some carpentry skills and him and my fiance who I live with have been developing some attraction for each other which they brought to me and I was encouraging of exploring but they asked what I needed to feel safer on that and I said oh I just need
you to take it slow because of the proximity you know we share several meals a day together he's working for me all the time and because of needing to be in the space with them all the time I asked that every time they escalate a little bit they check in so you know
flirt check in with me see how that's landing then why don't you guys make out and check in with me and see how my nervous system is doing so that I can stay safe and regulated amidst this new situation of all of sudden potentially having a live in partner here
live in lover anyway a couple days ago when I was at work instead of just making out they hooked up and I'm feeling really betrayed and disrespected and angry and I'm wondering down if you get some advice about how to approach the situation in the conversation that
I need to have I've been growing myself and work I've got a couple jobs and just hanging out with friends in the evenings so I haven't seen them both yet had a small conversation with my partner and just expressed how angry and hurt I was and who's apologetic but
I still feel quite betrayed and unsafe so how do I go about having this conversation part of me wants to support my partner because I had a hard time finding sexual attraction for other people this guy seems unique and seems like there's really good chemistry
obviously so I want to support her and that because she's new to Paulie she's just had a few hook up to festivals and things but I also don't want to override my own needs and disrespect myself and be in a space where I'm with these two people who have expressed
in a way that shows a lot disrespect for me so I feel a lack of trust there so how can I have these conversations when it's happened should I just kick this guy out which I would not like to do because he's super helpful in my house and I've been overwhelmed with
work but I need to feel safe at home. The rules that they agreed to that you laid down for them weren't observed they owe you an apology but what I hear you saying about wanting to encourage your girlfriend as she explores polyamory is that you would have given them
permission to do what they did if they had continued to mother may I you to that point I'm asking you with every new development for your explicit permission you would have granted them that permission you were on your way there and they got carried away as horny
people who are allowed to make out often do and wound up going all the way all the way to that place that you probably would have let them go had they asked for your permission and so what do you do now well seems to me that you grant your retroactive position you
grant permission retroactively to cover what they did after a moment of making it clear to them that you were hurt and that the rules that everybody agreed to were broken then you need to zoom out and ask yourself what were the rules that everybody agreed to or
that you demanded everybody agreed to or asked everybody to agree to where they reasonable rules rules that horny adults who are allowed to kiss and make out and touch each other could under that particular making out and horny and pressed together kind of circumstance
honor I'm not saying whether they should have bothered them they absolutely should have they owe you an apology it sounds like you've gotten an apology and what do you want like what's your your bigger one you wanted them to ask for your permission before they hooked
up they didn't is your bigger want you want this guy to stick around and work on your house you want your girlfriend to feel like she has the ability to hook up with other people that she when somebody comes along that she desires that she can with your support and
permission granted and advance act on those desires okay well I think one of the ways you could demonstrate that to your girlfriend that she could have asked you for your permission is by giving her your permission recognizing it was a party file or an offense of a trail
bringing it under the penumbra of the permissions that you'd already sort of granted them as they were tip towing up to doing what you were going to tell them they could do in the first place if only they'd asked and they didn't ask tell them it was okay tell them feelings
were hurt let's not do this this way in the future with this guy or anybody else but it's okay what have I'm not gonna break up with you I'm not gonna send him away I will eat this I will get over it help me get over it if you guys apologize one or two more times
and then I'm gonna you're gonna I'm advising you to drop it and then it happens again it becomes a pattern of behavior where your girlfriend telegraphs to you that a mother may I approach to fucking around or touching other people isn't gonna work for her because
she would rather ask for forgiveness than permission if something about asking for permission is a problem for her and it is for some people asking for permission can feel like a libido killer of the de-rotisizing of the moment somehow and so maybe you just give her blanket
permission like when she's feeling it because she doesn't feel it very often to go for it because asking for permission having to ask you for permission is going to generate a lot of conflict in your relationship because she might get carried away and this could become
a pattern and so I'm saying if it becomes a pattern then it's a problem and you have to decide whether exit this relationship or not but if it becomes a pattern it could also be an indication that how you're asking your girlfriend to manage desire and sex and
eroticism doesn't work for your girlfriend and if you want the girlfriend you've got you may need to make an adjustment to how you're trying to manage outside sexual contact in your relationship and it should be a mutual agreement of course but the agreement you
came to didn't work they should apologize you should forgive hopefully fingers crossed in the future she'll ask for permission but again if it becomes a pattern that you can't ask for permission then she's got to go or this rule's got to go.
Good day Dan and crew long time listener and magnum sub here coming to you from a small Australian city I'm in my mid 30s sis woman I've been with my husband since we were in high school while I would not recommend anyone try that at home it's somehow worked out
for us and we're really solid team. Over the past couple of years I've come to recognise that I'm bisexual and I've spoken to my husband about wanting to explore this further apart from my first kiss in high school I haven't been with a woman and our relationship has been
monogamous apart from a few three-sims with a male friend of ours a few years ago despite trying to be supportive the idea of me seeing women on my own has been hard for my husband to get his head around I haven't pushed it because his mental health has been pretty bad recently and I don't want to add more strain and also selfishly I don't want to blow my chances of getting what I want by stuffing up the timing.
So a couple of days ago my husband brought up with me that he'd been thinking about this recently again and that he'd be okay with it I was really surprised I asked some follow-up questions were there any caveats rules boundaries he wanted to discuss and apart from some general
kind of courtesy and consideration things there are as an aside we also had really beautiful lovely passionate sex that night because surprise prize that level of trust in me and security in our relationship is really fucking hot. So I guess the ball is in my court now to actually do something with that permission slip and so of course now I'm scared and a bit lost I've been with him for 20 years I've literally never flirted with anyone I've never really been hit on much even though I'm outgoing
and not terrible looking and I make friends easily and I think that's because I've always just sort of shut down any attention from people before and even begins I think I've projected an era of unavailability and I friend zone people immediately upon meeting them.
I get along with people I do heaps of fun things with others and by myself but I don't know how to do those things with a mindset of seeking potential partners or demonstrate my availability without being a creep or a pest but yeah the real issue for me is figuring out sort of how to flirt respectfully how to demonstrate availability how to actually make something happen.
I don't want to get a rep in my small community of queer people here in my small town being on the prowl or making people uncomfortable when they're just trying to have a nice time. It's too small a place for that but if I keep my current patterns I'm going to end up with a bunch more friends, new friends and no partners and no clue how to convert one into the other. So yeah I'm excited and I'm scared I don't want to just go through life playing it safe but I don't know how to make this happen.
A graph recently rocketed around the internet how couples meet in the US and it follows trends from the 1950s up until the 2020s and the way couples met before the internet came along through friends through family at work grade school grade school.
Oh my god so not just high school sweethearts somehow making it work when I say a thing it's unlikely I'm not saying it can't ever happen and congrats to you and your husband high school sweethearts you made it work you were a couple of the lucky ones a couple
of the exceptions but when you look at this graph through friends through family work at a bar grade school neighbors college all of those trend lines and roughly 30% of couples historically met through friends 20 25% of couples met at work nearly as many met in a
bar out of the club and then along comes the internet 1980 and this line sort of ticks along where people are meeting online and then in the 2000s it begins to climb and after 2010 it's a straight line going straight up that's how couples meet now couples meet online
and some people were circulating this chart and saying quoting somebody's tweet right here this is actually a cultural tragedy on par with the loss of a language cultural tragedy that more and more people more and more couples are meeting online yeah people have fewer
friends these days people seem to be more socially isolated the internet has contributed a great deal to that social isolation but at least on the work front I think we need to give the internet some credit because when you think about all those couples who met
at work you also have to take into consideration all those people who were asked out at work by someone they weren't interested in going on a date with all those people who went to work wanting to do their jobs and be left alone and had to deflect unwanted advances the
ones who met at work where they wound up being couples turned out that was a wanted advance but we had to put up with a lot of unwanted advances at work to get those few couples who met at work to meet at work and it seems to me that that trade off workplaces not
being somewhere where you hit on people or you feel like you must hit on people because you got to shoot your shot and knowing you can get online and do it instead probably made workplaces less less stressful less toxic less of a hostile work environment all right
that's a long regression along the side all you got to do is get on the apps to demonstrate availability get on field put yourself out there in places where just by walking in the door like a singles bar back before the internet came along by entering that space you are
telegraphing to others in that space that they may approach you that you have entered this space virtual in the case of a website like field or adult friend finder physical space meet space in the case of a bar or a club get on the apps put yourself out there
and you will have demonstrated your availability got to say though I feel your pain that air of unavailability that you say that you have that you kind of project this sense of don't approach me and people feel instantly slotted into the friend zone quote unquote
I have that same problem I wouldn't have met my husband if I wasn't hanging out with a friend who forced me to talk to him and I wouldn't have met my boyfriend if it wasn't for the internet we had a long conversation before we ever met IRL face to face face
to garage but that was years later and just the ease of being able to chat online that was easier for me to do I'm bad in person I'm terrible picking up on somebody flirting with me and oh my god there's this story I like to tell where there's a waiter at a
restaurant that I was a regular at for years and I thought he was adorable and cute and a decade or more one husband and one kid later I ran into him at a friend's house at a birthday party and he came up and said hi and we began to talk and all all that time
those months and months and months we worked at that restaurant and I was staring at him because I thought he was cute he thought I was glaring at him so yeah I don't have game game face I have anti game I have shut the game down face so I feel your pain which is
why I'm glad that my friend ginger was at that bar that night when I saw Terry and ginger forced me to talk to Terry which I would not have done if ginger hadn't forced me to and which is why I'm grateful that the internet existed a place where someone like me and
I think we're a lot of like you and I call her could get his flirt on via text and swapping pics instead of face to face where those of us with anti game face you and me you and me both don't tend to excel so the internet put it out there get on there make yourself
available there and have fun and good luck and of course you and your husband fucked like crazy after you shared the septuary gave you permission to get out there and fuck somebody else and it wasn't just because you felt trust and security was also because your husband
was probably turned on the thought of you and another woman together and I think you guys should keep that energy and harness and keep fucking the shit out of each other while you go find that pussy good luck this episode is brought to you by field it seems like so
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will see who you are within your social context start a group chat and find your people with your people there's no limit to how many times you can change your sexuality desires interest or gender identity it field in fact 62% of field members evolved their sexuality
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field because you've heard so much about field on this show from callers not just from hosts i dan savage recommend that you finally give field a try yourself hello i just have a question because i feel like i've heard a lot of stereotypes of gay middle school and high school
bullies there's a lot of gay middle school and high schoolers with bullies and then later on in life they end up having sex with those high school bullies who are making fun of them for being gay and i don't know if i just came up with that or if that's like a real thing that i have heard of
but i just need to confirm or deny that and um understand where that comes from if that is something that i have indeed heard before because my two friends here are gaslightingly into thinking that i perhaps have made that up in my own head but i'm pretty sure that i have heard that stereotype
before gay men adult gay men having sex with the guys who bullied them the homophobic bullies from middle school and high school that is a thing that happens in porn i'm sure there's probably one or two isolated cases where that has happened in real life and it is true and there is science to back it up that homophobic attitudes and males who identify as straight correlate very strongly with a rousal when viewing gay pornography yeah a lot of kids a lot of boys who are homophobic
bullies in middle school or high school are doing that thing that we see a lot of adult men do that we talk about the adult men doing externalizing the internal conflict and they feel implicated or threatened by the openly gay kid at school or the closeted gay kid at school and they don't want
anyone to scrutinize them or where their eyes are drifting in the locker room and by picking on or beating up the kid that they suspect is gay or the kid that is more easily read as gay they deflect attention away from or so they think their homosexuality or they're conflict about their
bisexuality we're interest in dick but yeah that happens in porn in porn it's kind of for many gay men revenge fantasy for your bully to get out of his knees and beg for your dick or for if you're more of a subbie gay man if ds stop turns you on and you're into submission the idea of
sexually servicing your bully the guy who bullied you in middle school or high school that for some gay men is a huge turn on and while I don't want to say it's never happened in real life the place that happens most of the time when it's represented or discussed or talked about is in
pornography we eroticize the things that we fear yeah there may be this erotic connection for some gay men that forms but but but but but but it is not a thing that happens often which is not to say that anti gay bullies in middle school or high school or up on the
altar and evangelical Protestant churches aren't out there sucking dick later in life or right after the fucking sermon they are there's a great psychology today piece from a few years ago homophobic men are aroused by gay male porn hom it reads in part had a resexual men with the
most anti gay attitudes when asked reported not being sexually aroused by gay male sex videos but their penises reported otherwise basically they strapped their dicks into these things that measure arousal and they showed these men straight porn lesbian porn and gay porn and the guys who reported
having the most homophobic attitudes were turned on not exclusively by the gay porn in these studies but also by the gay porn in these studies maybe some of them were gay maybe some of them were by and yeah externalizing that internal conflict and being a bully the irony here is what I wish
would happen actually is that homophobic attitudes there's something gay about it that if you're homophobic middle school or high school that should be sass people should look at you and think hey what what is wrong with you you have such a problem with the Charlie and Nick or whoever the
gay boys are in your school what's wrong with you not what's wrong with them they're just the gay kids are the gay and the by kid who are dating each other but you mr homophobic something gay about that and if that spread through high schools and middle schools that if you were homophobic if
you expressed homophobic attitudes or beliefs or even worse beat up the gay kid that everybody would think you were gay rather than everybody thinking you're not gay because you're beating up the gay kid if everybody thought you were gay because you're beating up the gay kid maybe that would
mean gay kids in middle school and high school would be a little less likely to get beat up this episode is brought to you by square space the masters of the internet didn't make that copy up I did if you're ready to build a website for the first time or upgrade to
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online there's so much more to recommend about square space but unfortunately we have to get back to your sex questions head on over to square space calm for a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to square space calm slash savage and use the offer code savage to save 10%
off your first purchase of a website or domain that square space dot calm slash savage and use the offer code savage hi then 50 something year old gay guy in Australia here I was in Europe recently and I'd mentioned back to a friend in Australia that there were a lot of good looking men in this
country and he said send me some pics so I managed to get a picture of a two of a good looking waiter somebody else walking there just pictures and one particular tourist attraction I was trying to get a picture of a guy working there and someone behind me another tourist saw it and started making
a whole lot of noise at me in in quite bad English but I got the chest of it telling me that you know he was stabbing his feet and thumping his chest and pointing and waving his arms and telling me that up as it was wrong and I was rude and I should stop it and to delete the photo which I did in
front of him and then his wife got involved and she started going off at me and I think even one of their children was going off at me and so that was kind of the end of that but I started thinking how bad was this thing that I did the picture of the guy was he was fully dressed obviously he was
working it was a tourist attraction he was an adult clearly it was middle of the day surrounded by plenty of people I had no intention for the picture other than dissenting to my friend back in Australia to say this guy's good looking obviously the people who got upset wouldn't have known
that so my question is how wrong was I to try and take a picture or two of what I thought were good looking young men in public places wow this guy went off on you his wife went off on you his kid their kid went off on you that's a lot of going off on an Australian tourist for doing something
that legally you're allowed to do in the United States at least the ACLU says when in public spaces where you are lawfully present you have the right to photograph anything that is in plain view which would include somebody working at a tourist attraction in Europe the laws are a little
different sometimes a little bit more restrictive sometimes even a little confusing and ambiguous taking photos of people in quote an obstructive inappropriate aggressive or intimidating way may constitute harassment someone trying to photograph you in a sexual way without your consent maybe a
crime obviously upskirt photography a crime clearly illegal but what gets weird about the law in Europe is it states that although you can take pictures in public no one in public no one moving through the world has a reasonable expectation of privacy street photography is not illegal
in Europe it is it seems against the rules to post someone's photograph to social media without their consent and their consent can be withdrawn and I just don't know how that works with a tourist economy where everybody crowding around the trevy fountain is taking pictures that have hundreds of
other people in them potentially who may be recognizable in the photos that they're sharing on social media I just don't know how that could be enforced in a reasonable way all right so you were kind of creeping on people you're taking pictures of hot guys and somebody saw what you were doing
on your phone that you were zooming in on the hot guy who was working there and on behalf of that hot guy they took offense because because they dead and maybe it was tinged with a little bit of homophobia or maybe they regard taking that sort of photograph or taking a photograph with that sort of
reason because you think somebody is hot objectifying them in that way objectifying them with your pixels is taking a sexually inappropriate photograph I mean you were motivated to take these photographs for sexual reasons you wanted to show these hot guys all over Europe to your friends back in Australia but they weren't upskirt photographs you weren't taking pictures of people at a moment when they
had a reasonable expectation of privacy you weren't sneaking around locker rooms with a concealed camera and yet and yet you know I know people who are very good looking who catch people all the time out
of the corner of their eyes taking photographs of them because they're hot and it can make somebody feel self conscious make them feel uncomfortable and so maybe the thing that you did wrong was you weren't discreet enough the person whose photograph you were taking they didn't know you were taking
a photograph but you were taking a photograph of that person in such a way like in a line a tourist attraction where the people behind you could clearly see what you were doing and so that's where you screwed up although I got to say again you didn't do anything illegal what you did was
lawful but in the eyes of the people who blew up at you lawful but awful and they made you delete the photographs which you did not have to do and they had no right to force you to do the only person who could make you delete that photograph I think according to
my cursory reading of the contradictory laws which vary by European country even though they're only you only the guy who's photograph that you took could demand that you delete it from your social media where you hadn't posted it so yeah there are going to be some people out there who
are very strict about consent and would argue that you can take I guess a photograph of somebody standing next to a tourist attraction in Europe so long as you have no intent to ogle them or send that photograph to someone expressly to be ogled but the fact that you were taking these photographs of these guys for ogling purposes makes it a consent violation a minor one and therefore not okay even if legally permissible and yeah some people can be such I don't know so rigid about these things
that they're going to hope that my own you know they're going to expect me to say into the woodchipper with you for doing this which I don't believe street photography is legal in public no one has a reasonable expectation of privacy but I want to emphasize again I really thought that that was
well put in that summary of the European laws about street photography that I've read that taking photos in an obstructive inappropriate aggressive or intimidating way may constitute harassment you were there you were taking the photos you know what you were doing were you being obstructive maybe
it was an appropriate was it a little aggressive we're intimidating or were the people who blew the fuck up at you busy bodies who weren't minding their own fucking business and should go get stuffed hey Dan a bit of a kink and trans politics question for you so I am a trans man and been out for
for a good decade or so I'm a friend who's in a pretty similar boat also trans but identifies as not binary when we were having a pretty hypothetical conversation about an upcoming kink party currently right now we're relevant here I'm single but I'm gay and you out out about
dating and a lot of the guys have been dating are cis and it's not for this kink party and I choked about bringing a guy going on a date with to a private party which no intention to do it but this brought up a whole conversation you know friend was very uncomfortable having a
cis man in the space which would have been primarily trans not binary people at this party and roughly my feathers a little bit because you know me if I were to say date somebody and we were both involved in the kink community I you know of course a plot by partner to hypothetically go to events
whether he's cis or trans and chances are very good that you know my next partner will likely be cis and they're vantage point not big fantasies men in general they argue that there are many many many kink spaces that we both go around in the welcome cis people air go there should be events
that are reserved exclusive before trans non-binary folks but what can I do understand the perspective you know I like for one I feel uncomfortable if a cis guy were to show up to like a trans support group and even as an ally but for some like kink and you sex I guess I feel a little weird if a
partner mind works excluded just by virtue of ironically you how he was assigned a birth so would love your take on this especially with navigating that divide between reserving safe affinity spaces versus really feeling comfortable exploring kink with with a loved one who is part
of a more privileged class as a cis gay man if I were dating a trans gay man and there was a party a kink party a play party that was exclusively for trans and other non-binary folks I wouldn't be offended if my trans gay male partner wanted to go party at that party and go play at that
party that I wasn't the vibe I wasn't wanted at it wasn't for me not every party is for everybody and I get that and so why pick a fight with your friend your non-binary friend about a hypothetical gaysist male partner that you might have in the future that you might not be able to take to another party like this if there's another party like this why lean into that why generate conflict in your relationship with your friend by trying to resolve a non-existent conflict about a non-existent
partner that you don't have yet who is not yet been excluded from a party that you aren't going to yet because that party's in the future is not happening so yeah like as a matter of principle you could lay down a marker that says you don't want to go to any parties where the cis gay man
that you would like to partner with or imagine you will default into partnering with in the future isn't welcome your hypothetical future boyfriend you can refuse to go to those parties for that reason if I were your boyfriend in that hypothetical future though I would encourage you to
go to that party especially if you're the kind of kinky gay man that have an open relationship which is most if not all kinky gay male couples have that kind of open relationship and even among kinky gay cis male couples when it comes to kink parties you know different kinds of kink parties cater
to different kinds of kink interests and it might be true for that hypothetical cis gay male kinky couple another hypothetical that there would be a kink party that one would want to go to and the other probably wouldn't want to go to her one would you know one has rubber gear and loves rubber
and the other partners into leather and has no rubber gear so you can't go to the rubber night like even cis gay male couples may face the same this party's for me and not for you what are you going to do well he can stay home and fuck somebody else that night or bridge bridge or 10 or whatever
and so go to the party don't worry about your hypothetical future gay cis male boyfriend that you haven't met yet and enjoy the party and stop trying to resolve this non conflict with your friend and just put a pin in it like maybe this is something you two can fight about in the future
when you stare down a party that your partner your cis gay male future hypothetical boyfriend is not invited to and hopefully your future hypothetical cis male gay boyfriend won't want to go anyway or will graciously step aside and let you go and acknowledge that hey this party is for people who
aren't like me and so I'm going to respect other people's boundaries and other people's freedom of association rights and go do or fuck somebody or something else I do gotta say though that we're in a moment where and and maybe this is because of power the way large groups of cis gay men
together can get wild in a way that makes other people feel unsafe but we are at a moment when it comes to queer parties and sex spaces where you can have a space or an event or a party that excludes gay men or cis gay men but gay men cis and otherwise can't have spaces or parties that exclude
anybody else because people get really upset when cis gay men do what the trans and non-binary folks who are organizing this party are doing and I understand why the trans and non-binary folks organizing this party might not want cis gay men at it because large groups of cis gay men
is toster and so dick monsters it creates a kind of vibe that can make people who are assigned female at birth or non-binary folks or trans folks feel marginalized or unsafe and so I get it but still since we're having debates about principles here and on principle you're offended that your future
hypothetical gays as male boyfriend might be excluded on principle I just want to point out are we existed a moment we live at a time when you can exclude gay men from a party or cis gay men from a party but cis gay men aren't allowed to do the same hmm something to think about
time for listener feedback first up some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.gov says bgm for all the talk lately of straight guys who are into cock it kind of seems like they're just by I've never heard of a gay man or straight woman who's
into pussy but not women women who are into pussy identify as either lesbians or by our straight men just to frayed to label themselves by it feels like I love cock but only if there's no man involved is internalized homophobia or internalized biphobia in that response I mentioned trans women
who haven't had bottom surgery as potential options for straight identified men who like dicks but not dudes paradise whenever commenters left a thoughtful comment about what's potentially problematic about that take which I will respond to at length in this week's struggle session says mix zombie
dick for the guy with a size queen boyfriend I am a size queen but prefer my partners to have dicks in the smaller to average range taking big dick really turns me on but I want that to be opt in rather than standard with my partners because it takes more prep if I want to go big my partners
can and do use large strap ons or they fist me maybe your guy caller can do the same and finally a very important comment from zico for the woman dealing with a partner with hygiene problems that can be a sign of depression and I wish Dan had mentioned that possibility during the show I noticed
my mother was having trouble with hygiene in the weeks before her suicide but didn't know them that poor hygiene can be a sign of depression my suggestion to the listener is answer that question first before doing anything else and if your partner is dealing with depression help her as best
you can no cute name adds neglecting hygiene can also be a sign of dementia first things first zico my heart goes out to you at the loss of your mother my advice for that caller I said that married and partnered people tend to live longer because there's someone there to say hey you
need to make a doctor's appointment about that thing and get that thing looked at or to say you need to take a shower while I didn't bring up depression or dementia as possible root causes in my response I did urge the caller to be direct instead of dropping hints and being direct as a
way of getting to the root of things but your right zico I should have brought up depression and to the original caller if you're listening if your partner is displaying other signs of depression loss of interest and activities they used to enjoy soleness irritability you might want to raise
that subject directly to for more listener feedback and to try your hand at giving advice yourself check out struggle session every Thursday where I respond to listener and reader comments and post a letter that isn't going to make it into savage love and let you guys give the advice and now
everyone's favorite part of the show the part where I shut my big game out and you my listeners get the last word hey damn calling in regards to your call this week about the woman whose wife had a stinky butt and wasn't rushing her teeth very much I'm surprised you didn't mention
them a day it seems like ever since I got one I can't imagine that I never had one get your lady of the day hey damn this is a response about the man who killed his partner's dog that kind of blew my mind to see that this man kind of has the audacity to be focusing on this and not what
he really should be focusing on but more importantly this woman really needs to take a look and see at who she's partnered with because if she cannot even trust this man to care for her dog what is she see in the future with them like that's something that she really needs to think about and if
I were her I would have cut it off as soon as my dog died hey damn this is in response to the two-colors who wanted to surprise their male partner and apollyamers relationship if he likes to watch them then why don't they make a sex tape for them they could you know do this in a
couple different ways they could record it send it to him a day beforehand you know tease him oh this is what you're gonna see tomorrow they could send it to him you know minutes before hands and then have him walk in right after he watches it all aroused or they could have him
wait on the couch go recorded in the next room come back watch it together you I think there's different a couple different ways they could play around with it but if he likes to watch him why don't they give him an opportunity to watch them whenever he wants and we're gonna leave it there
you've got three ways if you guys have questions and comments for future shows you can record and upload your questions directly onto our website at savage.love slash ass damn or you can make a voice memo on your own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love or you can call
our landline and leave us a message of 206 302 206 4 hump 2024 part two plays in theaters this weekend in New Orleans Vancouver and Palm Springs there is nothing better than an evening of sexy funny kinky short films in the theater packed with sexy funny kinky film lovers to distract you
for 90 minutes at least from the news and since no phones are allowed at hump that means you can't doom scroll during a hump screening for tickets to a hump screening near you or to get a streaming pass to watch hump at home with your friends go to humpfilmfest.com and while you're there click on submit a film to find out everything you need to know about getting your dirty little
movie into the best dirty little film festival in the world that's it. Magnum subs watch for that new episode of section politics which will pop into your love cast feeds on Thursday follow me on Instagram and threads at Dan Savage follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage follow Cody Degel Orion's on Instagram and threads at ace dad advice check out their substock at ace dad advice dot substock.com and their website ace dad advice dot com. Cody's new book the ace and arrow
relationship guide is out now. The Savage Love Cast is produced every week by Nancy Ertunian and me and the tech savvy at risk youth. I'll be back at you next week. Learn installment of the Savage Love Cast. Thank you. As ever for now.