You're listening to the micro version of The Savage Lovecast at Savage.loaf. One way we keep things positive and upbeat at the top of the show every week is by talking about the do's. What to do? Where to do it? Who to do it with or with whom to do it? But this week we're opening the show with some don'ts. Don't fuck your students. I'm talking to teachers here, but if you are going to fuck your students, I guess do be pretty and do be straight and do be a woman
and do be fucking your students in the state of Missouri. That's the lesson I'm drawing from the case of Haley Clifton Carmack. There used to be a math teacher at Le Kay High School in Le Kay, Missouri, until she got caught having sex with a 16-year-old male student and got caught using other students as lookout while she was having sex with that 16-year-old male student, who she marked up by leaving deep scratches all over his back. Clifton Carmack was arrested and prosecuted,
but somehow she's only facing three months in prison. I'm thinking a male teacher, Gait Orstray, who had done the same and like Clifton Carmack, had fled the state to avoid a rest. Yeah, that math teacher would have gone to prison for a lot longer than three months. For the record, 16 is the age of consent in 30 U.S. states, but it's 17 in Missouri. But even if that student of hers had been 17, it would have been a crime in Missouri regardless.
As it is a crime for teachers in Missouri to fuck students and by law, the students consent, even if their 17 cannot be used as a defense. Nor can the parents consent. In an odd twist, the father of the student, Clifton Carmack, statched thoroughly raped, was himself arrested, because he knew about the affair his son was having with his math teacher and didn't report it
to the authorities. And yet another bizarre twist, Child Marriage, is legal in Missouri. A bipartisan attempt this year to end Child Marriage in Missouri failed to make it out of Missouri's state legislature again this year. So in Mo, at the Mo, a parent can consent to their teenage child marrying an adult, which is not okay, but a parent can't consent or even turn a blind eye to their teenage child having sex with an adult. Also not okay. Make it make sense, Missouri. Make it make sense.
All right, another don't you probably don't want to go see if you're not me, the new production of Sancta, currently playing at the Stuttgart State Opera House directed by Austrian choreographer Florentina Holdzinger. During the first two performances of the nearly 100-year-old opera about a none, 18 audience members required medical attention after fainting, were experiencing extreme nausea during the production, which according to news reports and reviews, many of them
very positive. Features like all of Holdzinger's productions and all female cast, and in this case, a live piercing onstage, unsimulated sexual intercourse, also known as just sexual intercourse, aka actual fucking naked nuns on roller skates and tons of blood, fake and real.
Mercifully, unlike some other shows directed by Holdzinger, her production of Sancta, an opera about a horny nun who asks to be walled up in her convent for her sins, this production of Sancta, doesn't feature as previous productions directed by Holdzinger did, quote, fresh, excrement,
close quote. The show, which premiered in Austria earlier this year, has been accused of insulting the Catholic Church in Catholic sensibilities, but as Holdzinger, who won't cast answers that can't urinate on cue as she told the Guardian, her production of Sancta is, quote, an exploration of the kinship between Catholics and BDSM practitioners, two groups that, again, quote, share a belief that joy and pain are intimately connected, and those who suffer will find redemption.
I am not going to be in Stuttgart during the run of Sancta at the opera house, but if I were, it would be a due for me. If anyone out there listening saw the now sold out production in Stuttgart of Sancta, please give us a call and let us know what you thought. And finally, the biggest don't of the week for young straight men out there. Don't take dating advice from Stephen Miller. Miller is Donald Trump's most odious advisor, which when you look at the people
who surround Trump is really saying something. Miller was the architect of Trump's family separation policy, a stain on our country right up there with Japanese internment camps, and Fox News host Jesse Waters who thinks there's something gay about using a straw to drink a milkshake because he got a sock at this exchange with Miller when he was on his show earlier this month. We're getting a lot of text from women about Miller and his appearances and his appearance.
Our audience at prime time believes you're some sort of sexual matador. What do you have to say for yourself? Well, let me give advice to any young man that's out there. The, I'm married now. I have children, but I wasn't married that long ago. I was single. I was in the market. If you're a young man, it's very important in election season who's looking to impress ladies to be the alpha to be attractive. The best thing you can do is to wear your Trump
support on your sleeve show that you are a real man. Show that you are not a better. Okay. Right. Be a proud and loud Trump supporter and your dating life will be fantastic. Okay. First, no one is getting text messages from women who are horny about Stephen Miller. Those women, those text messages do not exist. Matadors, sexual matadors. What's the sexual matador? A matador frustrates, torments, and then kills a bull. So I'm not sure what a sexual matador is supposed to be,
but it's definitely someone women would run from not toward. And I'm sorry to be the bearer. I think good news being allowed and proud Trump supporter if you're a man isn't going to get you laid wearing your Trump support on your sleeve per Miller's advice will only result in you
having a fantastic dating life. If your idea of a fantastic date is an evening at home alone with your phone in one hand and you're dick in the other, and I have dated a prove it, according to a new poll from Generation Lab that surveyed 1,000 American adults between the ages of 18 and 34, fully 45% of women would not date a man who voted for Trump. Only 17% of women
would be willing to date a man who voted for Trump. And dating is about odds and in a sexual marketplace where your actions and beliefs are repulsive to almost 50% of the people you might hope to date and only attractive to 20%. Yeah, you are not going to do well. As Matthew Eglaceius put it, Matthew Eglaceius writer, sub-stacker, big stats and trends guy, young men should know that if you vote for Trump, you're basically never going to get laid. This is an alarming trend that we've
noted here on the show before. More and more young men are supporting Trump, more and more young men are identifying as Republicans, while more and more young women are identifying as Democrats and liberals and progressives and supporting Harris. The gender gap that's always been there,
Democrat Republican, is now a chasm and increasingly young women won't compromise. They won't date young men who vote for adjudicated rapists like Donald Trump, which is going to result in the short and long run in more unattached unmoored single young males in our society, which is
dangerous and destabilizing. As sociologists and political scientists have long observed, single males with no romantic prospects are easily radicalized by populists and authoritarian, which is why Stephen Miller is going on TV and encouraging young men to do exactly what will ensure they never get laid per Eglaceius. Still, I hope I do hope young men backing Trump
take Miller's advice and wear their support for Trump on their sleeves. Hell, I want them to staple those red hats to their heads because that way young women who don't want to date Trump supporters, most of them, most young women will be able to see those Trump supporters coming. Oh, and the election two weeks away, two weeks from today. If you're in an early voting state,
please vote now if you haven't already. And while we're on dues and don'ts, do vote Harris, do vote blue, no matter who don't vote for Trump, don't vote third party because that's also a vote for Trump and voting for Trump. The ultimate don't. All right, on the show today, tons of your cues, lots of my A's and our guest this week, comedian, Des, Bishop.
We talk about his new stand-up special sex moves that might surprise a straight man like him, straight guys, into butt stuff on the receiving end, play parties, and so much more. There's a little of my conversation with Des on the micro for all of my Convo with Des. And Add Free Shows and Invites to Savage Love Live and more perks become a Magnum subscriber right now at Savage.Love. All right, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you
by Helix Sleep, the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind. Right now, get 20% off a mattress purchase, go to helixleap.com slash Savage. This episode is brought to you by field, an app where curious people come to connect, download field on the App Store or Google Play, and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it. Hi, Dan. I'm Ali, 30s married, Sussan. Calling about my experiences with possibly borderline
sex work and how it might be impacting my marriage. I started dating my husband in my early 20s, got married after seven years, and now we have a one-year-old child, and we've been totally monogamous the whole time. We have an okay sex life. I'm still very attracted to him physically, and we have good chemistry, you know, so that makes me come. But things are pretty repetitive, and the frequency has cut in half since our son was born, so we're lucky if we have sex twice a
month now. After my son was born, I needed to get back in touch with my identity outside of being apparent, and I started studying burlesque over the past couple of months. I've had opportunities to dance in a few amateur shows and small local bars, which end with performers stripping down to a
thong and nipple tassels. My husband has been supportive of me doing burlesque. Since entering a burlesque community that includes many queer women and NB folks, I've even had the confidence to come out to him as bi, which is something I've known my entire adult life and never told anyone. He was surprised, but he took it pretty well considering that we're monogamous, so it's kind of irrelevant. One thing that came up recently though is I had a burlesque show at a very
atypical venue. I actually performed at a large local sex club, even though I only walked through the club long enough to get to the green room and the stage. I can't stop thinking about it. I was so worried that the venue would be sketchy and make me uncomfortable, but they had really good boundaries, and it actually made me feel like more of a safe space than a lot of the night clubs I'd been to before. When I came home and I told my husband, he was pretty quick to judge and say that it's
kind of a weird kink for people to want to have sex in public. I didn't say to him, but I guess I'm kind of an exhibitionist and the thought of going to that club again, either as a performer or even as a guest with my husband, seems so exciting to me. I just thought it was so cool to see so many people come through with their bodies and their sexuality, and I thought to myself how I wouldn't even mind him poking up with another woman there, given that there would be no strings attached
in that kind of circumstance. And it's really the only venue I might even have the opportunity to realize my fantasy of being with a woman, which is something I assume would never happen for me. I've already exposed my husband to so much through coming out as bi and by performing. Will I be pushing him too much if I suggest we ever go to a club like this, even if it's just in
baby steps? I'm really glad for you that you found this outlet, Burlesque, and that dancing, and becoming a part of the Burlesque community and meeting some people who are out and by and non-binary helped you find the courage to tell your husband something that you'd known all your
adult life, that you're bisexual. Listening to your call, I just awakened the social conservative in me, or just the conservative in me, I'm not a social conservative, not at all, because I just kept thinking about whether this is the right time, not to have your own individual passionate
pursuit of dancing at Burlesque, but to force this issue with your husband around public sex, around opening up your relationship, around you wanting to go to this sex club, not as performer, hustled into the green room and then onto the stage, but as a client, as a guest, as an attendee, of a sex party, because you have an infant, you have a one-year-old, a year, nine months ago, and change you and your husband decided, let's grab all your DNA together and have a baby.
And so the stakes are really high here, it's not just about you and not just about your husband, not just about you too, as a couple, as a going concern, but you too as parents who have taken on together consciously, the awesome responsibility of seeing this kid through to self-sufficiency. Having an infant, I think it's a really great statement about who your husband is, that he and you two together have made the time for you to go out there and do Burlesque and get back and
touch with your body. And I think it's great, I think it's really imperative for parents, even new parents, not to lose their sense of themselves and their individuality and their identities as parents. I think it makes parents better, calmer, more confident, loving, and attentive
parents to their children when they still have some time off alone or together. But an infant, a one-year-old, you're still in that really high pressure, high intensity relay race stage of parenting where this kid is with one or the other or both of you at all times and one or the other or both of you together need to be paying attention, taking care of the kid. And it's like a
baton that's constantly being passed back and forth and it's really stressful. And so I just, I worry for the kid that if you march in there and give your husband the speech, I want to eat some pussy, there are some sexual adventures that I want to have that I want to go on together with you including going to this place that you just told me you're kind of squicked out by even if there's a low probability of that conversation ending in a kind of relationship extinction level event,
that low probability is still a high consequence potentially. So I would encourage you to slow your role. Next year and a half, at least, so the kid's a toddler now, particularly as you have the kind of husband who steps up and does his fair share, hopefully his equal share of the child rearing and to the to the point where you have nights off to pursue this passion of yours, credit to your husband, credit to you, but you not take that for granted and you wait a bit,
you wait until it's not too high pressure. And then you can say to your husband who may have marinated on it a little bit, a lot of people when it's not their idea, you know, a kink, a
place to fuck your thing to do will have an instant, ooh, no, I would never reaction. And I encourage people when somebody lays their kink cards on the table and they're not your kinks, not to say no, which kind of sex negative culture teaches us to say no, not for me, not the thing I want instead to say, oh, because you don't know how you might feel six months or a year
down the line after you've thought about it. And so yeah, maybe a year from now your husband will be like, after hearing a few more of your stories about your performances and this club and other venues more open to attending. But I wouldn't push it right now. Hey, Dan, Magnum's up here. I've been dating this guy for about four months now. He's an international PhD student in my town. We've talked it right linked about his home life back at home
in Ghana. We have spent a fair amount of time together like anyone would when they're first dating. I would like to spend a little bit more time with him, but respect his busy school work inside Hustle's schedule. I was just happened to send him a funny real thing when your man is too busy, maybe you should ask him if he's married. Well, come to find out he is. He's from Ghana and his wife and his four-year-old son both live there. He is trying to support them as well as himself
here. So I respect that. We did talk about all this in a very civilized manner. He explained to me that it was just expected culturally that when they got out of college that they would get married and therefore they did. It was asked of him from his father and so he committed to marrying her. They have never lived together. They've actually only lived in separate countries. Most of the time they've actually been married. Culturally, I do know this is an expectation and I can respect
traditions in culture. He stated that he wasn't sure if he would get a divorce or not. He's not sure if he's really even given the marriage a real shot. He just wanted to see what the future holds and go from there. The problem is now what? I feel kind of betrayed that he didn't tell me all the subprime. He said he wanted to but he didn't want me to think less of him or treat him differently. I care for him but I also can't wait around for him either. I am looking for something long time.
You say you can respect other traditions, other cultures. All right. Can you respect another tradition, another culture to the point that you never meet this guy's family? He respect his culture and those traditions enough to be his side piece forever, which is kind of what I think would happen here. You say you want something serious. You say you want a commitment. I'm guessing after four months you weren't sending him a funny marriage means without
an ulterior motive, but you were dropping a big hint there. Then the conversation went in a direction where you found out that this guy that you've been seeing casually for four months is married and has a kid. I don't know what the beginning of your relationship looked like. Was it casual? You say he's getting his PhD and he has a side hustle. Maybe this was in his mind and he assumed it was also in your mind a casual thing and he didn't necessarily
need to disclose this because he wasn't interested in anything serious. It wasn't available, obviously, for anything serious. It turns out you want something more serious. I sometimes joke about not a joke. I mean it. Laying your kink cards on the table at around six months. Well, here you are four months in and he laid his wife and kid card on the table. You say that he told you he's not sure he's going to get a divorce. Also not sure about whether or not he wants to give his marriage
a shot. He's told you he's never lived with this woman or even been in the same country with this woman, but somehow they were together at some point long enough for him to impregnate her. And at this point, this tipping point, I'm beginning to think, I'm not sure he's going to get a divorce. That means he's not going to get a divorce. That he may be now telling you what he thinks
you need to hear to continue to date him, to see him, to hang out with him. And so respect for other cultures and traditions is great, but you also have to show have some respect for what you want out of a relationship. And it seems pretty clear you're not going to get what you want out of a relationship from this guy who at the very least is going to be seriously encumbered for the rest of his life. Do you want to be with somebody who is supporting a family on the other side of the
world? If indeed he stays with you on your side of the world, then if he doesn't divorce this woman, he can't marry you. And then how does he stay on your side of the world? I think to protect yourself, you need to look at this as a cultural exchange. You need to look at this as potentially a successful short term relationship. And enjoy how much more time are you willing to invest in this guy?
You know yourself better than I do. Can you stop making an emotional investment in this person and just enjoy time and attention and someone to hang with and the dick until you meet somebody else. I mean, if he's got a wife on the other side of the world, I think you should be free to date other men on this side of the world in case one might come along, wants what you want, which is a serious commitment and not a secret second family. And to be clear, you will be the
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Hey Dan, 38thsysmail here. I got with my partner really a year ago and we dated for a little bit and I decided that she wasn't the one for me and I couldn't fully commit. So we kind of backed off and became friends. We kept hanging out and we were like really good friends and then we went to Burning Man together and started hooking up and one thing led to another and we were
right back to where we were. I needed to either commit to her or stop. It was a really hard situation for me but I ended up on, hey, what if we entered into a polyspace and I could fully commit to that and she could move in. That's what we did. We took a lot of time to make our relationship foundational and read all the books and podcasts and we want to hand fold dates and
she has another partner that she sees every once in a while and I saw some people. Anyway, this summer there was a tragic accident and I accidentally left her dog in my car and he passed away. It's been absolutely brutal. I'm feeling emotions from grief and sadness and hurting her
and also guilt. My whole world has been turned upside down. Anyway, she's really been struggling with it because I am the person that did it to her but also the person that she cares for and she told me the other day that it feels like she's sleeping with the abuser and she's just
not sure if she can get over it which I understand but I've also been like, let's move forward in this relationship and let's continue along the polyspace that we've been in but she's just not there anymore and she just wants me to fully commit to her and show up for her which I could never do at the beginning of the relationship. That wasn't what we agreed to but I understand that she's going through a tough time right now and I know I can't fully commit to her. It's
the feeling I've had in past relationships. I guess I just have commitment issues or I just don't feel like she's the one that I can fully commit to but she's an amazing partner. I love her and she loves me and she's more of our best friends but it's why the polyspace just made so much sense and we were really navigating it until this tragedy happened and anyways I don't really know how to proceed or what to do or how to take it to give her the space and also hold my integrity
to what I know I need as well so I love your show. Any advice would be much appreciated. I have to reject one of your premises. You keep discussing a polyamorous relationship as if that is somehow antithetical to a committed relationship or the opposite of a committed relationship or not a committed relationship. A polyamorous relationship with this woman that you describe as your partner that is a committed relationship. It's just not a sexually or emotionally exclusive
relationship so it doesn't sound to me like you have commitment issues. It sounds to me like you and this woman who's dog you killed are in conflict about your preferred relationship model. You want an open relationship. You want a polyamorous relationship and what she wanted at the start and you are unable to give her was a monogamous relationship and so she even though she's the one with another partner and you've only had a couple of flings I guess a couple of pieces on the side
here and there even though she's exercised her right as the partner of someone in an open polyamorous relationship to have another partner is not what she wanted and now that you killed her dog use a lot of passive language like the dog passed away you killed her dog now that you've
killed her dog out of her mouth comes being with you feels like being with an abuser which is you know you would never tell someone to stay with an abuser if that's how she feels she should obviously end this relationship but the next thing out of her mouth seems to be based on
your accounting of the exchanges that you've had with her after you killed her dog seem to be that you owe her the monogamous commitment that she wanted all along or wanted at the start because you killed her dog and I'm sorry I don't want to say this about someone who's grieving the death
of their dog at the hands or car of the person that they love but that seems to me emotionally manipulative that seems to me slightly opportunistic unless you know to be a little bit more generous what she might be saying is right now while she's grieving the death of her
dog that you killed she needs to be your sole focus and if that's the conversation that she wants to have and you're leaving that out I don't see why at this moment you couldn't come through with particularly as you don't have another partner centering this relationship before I don't know the
next three months six months while you work through the pain and the guilt and the grief and the horror of the death of her dog at your hands car that seems to me if that's the ask that she's made a reasonable ask but if it's a gambit now you know if she settled for Polyamory and it wasn't what
she wanted and she's instrumentalizing the death of the dog or leveraging the death of the dog to get you to make the commitment you didn't want to make in the first place well then obviously this relationship isn't gonna work out but of what she wants at this moment is for you to
temporarily focus all of your energies emotional and sexual on each other as you process the death of her dog that's a reasonable ask and you could maybe and I think you owe her that but of what she's asking for is what you didn't want to give her in the first place what you
couldn't give her because it's not commitment you can't do it's monogamy you can't do what she's asking you for now is the monogamous commitment that you didn't want to make and conflated somehow with an inability to make a commitment at all well then obviously this relationship has tragically
run its course and you're gonna have to end it we all have sleepless nights sometimes and let's face it if you are not having a little insomnia right now you aren't paying attention but at least I have and you can have the most comfortable place in the world to toss and turn and that is my helix
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is offering my listeners 20% off all mattress orders go to helix sleep dot com slash savage let him know the love cast that you go to helix sleep dot com slash savage with helix better sleep starts now hi dan two cis women calling from the Pacific Northwest we are in a three person relationship
with each other in a man and are getting away for a cozy week on the bc coast together in a few weeks we've been seeing each other in some fashion for over a year and just recently have decided to transition our various relationship constructs into a committed core relationship with each other
we both have great sex with him individually and the group play is also fantastic further we enjoy all combos of connection when the three of us play together our relationship is progressed and all three of us are very excited about this new dynamic
our male partner is very open-minded in the bedroom and is a very generous sexual partner he's usually an dominant role but he also enjoys watching and being directed outside of that space his interests are craftsmanship delicious food and us of course
what he really loves is to be surprised and we've been able to deliver some fun surprises over the last year we want to surprise our sweetie during our week away leveling up from secretly matching lingerie sets and introducing new toys what would be a good surprise for him during that week
it's okay to get a little wild joining me to help tackle this question because why not does bishop is a touring comedian who's new is special of all people is out now on youtube hey does thank you for coming on the show oh it's great to be here lovely lovely to virtually meet you
I saw your special and wanted to have you on it's hilarious because despite your very ahead of normative material very ahead of unnormative material that you do you gave some really great sex advice period sex advice for young men straight men on handling rejection advice on
navigating casual hookups for guys with one ball you are a straight dude a tall good looking straight white man so you would know better than I how best to surprise a straight dude with a sex move what would you advise I thought this call was so funny because they're like we want to move
on we want to move up from lingerie and I'm like well first of all you guys are in like a polyamorous relationship to women one man so I feel like you guys have already powered up from the from the lingerie so I would when I heard this call I was like god like and I'm either right guy I mean I
feel like if you're already comfortable with polyamory the surprise has to be like an extra person in the mix in my opinion or a fundamentalist Mormon compound kind of marriage like how do you surprise the polyamorous straight dude with two girlfriends that was my thought I was like you know
beyond doing something like entirely inappropriate that might actually be the biggest turnoff of all time for him I'm not really sure I don't actually know how broad his sexual spectrum is I mean if he's very adventurous maybe you want to you know throw in another guy into the mix or
something even if he doesn't get involved because they I was this the call where they said that uh he likes he likes watching right so I I believe that they they said in the call that he likes watching I mean maybe if they want to try to get something into the mix that might be more
exciting for him to watch I get this question a lot and I kind of hate it where people are like tell me a thing to do give me a sex assignment that'll blow my partner's mind and my first thought is always shit in his mouth I'm not surprised him he won't see that one coming
and that was my first thought to you and then shit in his mouth there's no extra like you can't just ask somebody else to assign something to you to do to your lover that will work for them like I you know him better than me or des does yes can make a better safe gas about what he might
like if it's not shitting in his mouth and bust that move like I can't actually help you here yeah I 100% agree with that I was like racking my brain I was joking with my wife about like I I mean I'm not going to say them on the air but I was making jokes about all these inappropriate
things you could surprise him with but yes at the end of the day what I would suggest is racking your brains about uh some fantasies he may have insinuated over the last amount of time you guys have been together and and make a call uh maybe maybe elevate one up from whatever his
most adventurous thing you've ever heard him say but don't go more than one up because you don't want to like ruin it you know you don't want to you don't want him to be like disappointed you don't want to traumatize him you don't want to put off a fingernail in his butt or something
that is good advice to like one up to go like one step further on themes that have already been incorporated into your erotic dynamic to like push things a little further rather than hit them with something from left field because you just never know what's gonna work for someone or what's
gonna traumatize someone yeah but I will say it's a straight man that adding one extra woman will probably always go down fine that's what he's watching when he they say he likes to watch he means it's them yes if like he's already winning here like yeah how many cherries on this Sunday does
this one guy get I know these women are really like they're going too far with this guy I don't know what sort of hold he has over the I don't know what what sort of mini cult is happening here but or maybe he's got a weak heart and they're in the will and they're trying to induce that hard attack
by shitting in his mouth by busing a move that he did not see coming yeah that people ask me this question all the time like assign me a sex twin it's like I'm sorry I can't do that like a vibrator is like the basic yeah first wrong but people are like give me something crazy and
like well sex toys are subjective like a roller duct tape for some people is a sex toy for most people it's a hostage situation if it's a big one to him and not a sexual situation and so I can't just like give people random sex act assignments or kink assignments or sex toy assignments it's
got to be what works for you works for your partner and ladies you know him better than desert I do what do you think will work for him that's one level up like that's I think that's the one thing I will say is whenever myself my wife we have people messaging on our podcast we always have follow
a questions and you can Instagram me I want to know what you decided to do and what the result was because I it's really more the follow on that I'm interested in because I can't really make a suggestion but I want to know what the decision was I love it when listeners and readers of my column
jump into the comment threads at my website and let us know how it played out so ladies let us know how this plays out a DMS pictures doesn't I will keep them private I will share it doesn't has only but you know what I bet they want their comments shared with the world because this is one of those
calls where people are you know maybe it's it's a genuine question I like I said I get this question a lot but it's also like a kind of look at me question like look at us we're winning here and you guys are you are with for them good for them the comfortability is very impressive when then they came up and you show that surprised me because your whole intro the beginning your affect like the straight white dude tall straight white dude you go after the straight ladies for their
height ism which is you being an ally to short guys because you're a tall guy so thank you for your ally ship on behalf of short guys everywhere I'm also a tall guy you talk about a finger in the bud and like not a lot of straight kind of white dudes your age would feel comfortable admitting to
any anal penetration in their comedy special why did you go there well you know that's actually that bit is like it's sometimes comedians have these like bits that just like they pop up anywhere like so it just fits into so many different routines of mine and I don't know where it came
from originally but I like but play I'm like open but play guy love it don't know who introduced me to it but you know and I've you know some of my friends are into but play we talk about it some of them aren't but the the sort of like the joke about well it's a great joke because it touches
on like a taboo right a lot of men are not comfortable talking about it now I have to say one of the things that a lot of like Gen Z comics talk about is that like eating ass it's like a recent phenomenon so I always go back up like yo bro I was eating ass before the internet but I was
you know I would get my ass eaten before the internet this isn't just your thing but anyway they're more they're more open talking about it so I'd say the average younger guy is possibly more aware of like the the arogenous nature of a of but play but anyway as a routine it just works
because you know it's a taboo people get surprised in another bit that I posted that's not in the special I once asked this guy have you have you have had a finger in his in your ass and he said no and then his girlfriend went liar and the place like the place around and I I love that
because there is a sort of a there's a secrecy around liking it in the butt because as you well you saw it but the punchline is always men think the gay butt is up there and once it's pressed that's it there's no coming back so there's this great concern about it I'm not accusing you of joke that
that is a joke I made in savage love my column like 30 years ago that's straight guys at least then I think straight guys are more evolved now and able to experience pleasure now in ways that straight guys when I first heard writing savage love weren't where they thought there was a switch
that could be flipped in their butt and they could accidentally turn themselves gay if somebody put a finger in there and bumped into that switch which is of course not how it works I'm really grateful to say that I get the question is my boyfriend gay or am I gay from straight guys who
discovered they like butt stuff or like their nipples played with a lot less than I used to get that question oh is that right well that's good yeah because I think the secrets out there right and you know I'm not 100% all in on the positives of porn you know I think it's a pros and cons but
I guess one of the positive things is that has also sort of you know gotten into porn where you see a lot more of butt play for you know for straight men to watch so you know I I think that's a positive because it just it feels good you know it's hard to you know it's always hard to get
your partner to get involved that's the only thing is that you know it's not just that men aren't comfortable like a lot of straight women also aren't comfortable because for some of them it can be an ik like why would you be into this so that's that that's the other part of it you know you have to get two people that are comfortable doing different things you know and if he's comfortable not put butt play and doesn't think it's gonna accidentally make him gay because there's a button
is asked it's the gay button then she might think it makes him gay because yeah well that's it you know and then send me a letter is my boyfriend gay my boyfriend down to thank you gay right because a straight guy couldn't want that ever and it's not true um you say that you're a butt guy in the show you say you're not a ball guy and it's a hilarious bit and a hilarious story that you share and you know what we're not gonna talk about it I'm gonna tell people that if they want to hear
you're not a ball guy story they need to go watch oh that's special on youtube now and it is worth it it is fucking hilarious um and uh maybe a little traumatizing what you're sharing there yeah yeah it's funny it's it's funny the bits that resonate with people like that that to me is such a
throw away bit but of course for you and this you're living your you're in this world and you go like oh this is great this is like open interesting stuff yeah that's bishops new special of all people out now for free on youtube he co-hosts the podcast burner phone with his wife Hannah burner who
wants a kid which I guessing comes up a lot on the show you host with your wife well actually yeah we it doesn't come up as much as you would think that's just really a bit because she she wants a kid too but she's so busy right now she's happy to delay so right now we're both in our happy place
of similar desires well great thank you does so much um I really loved your special your your hysterical um and don't be self-conscious about it being very heteronormative we want comedy clubs to be safe spaces for heterosexual people too thanks thanks thanks so much and thanks for having me
more of my conversation with comedian desbishop is on the magnum become a magnum subscriber right now and hear it all at savage.love hi dan i'm calling from the pacific north west i am a 53 year old bi woman in a relationship for 10 years with another bi woman and the problem
that i'm having is that her hygiene has gone way down i'm not quite sure what to do i've tried to make gentle suggestions like why don't we shower before we get into bed um we do live together or just making light inquiries i know that she has really severe ADHD and i'm also sometimes not
sure if she's picking up on the clues that i'm playing down and i don't want to or maybe feel comfortable being very direct about her hygiene i just don't want to be mean about it in any way because she's so lovely and sweet and i just love her but i'm having trouble having a sexual
connection with her because she just has smells coming out of the maybe touch area and also isn't brushing her teeth as much as i think she should be i need help i really don't want to end a relationship over something like this and i'm agonizing over it so you're literally contemplating
breaking up with your girlfriend of 10 years to avoid hurting her feelings by being direct about the fact that her personal hygiene habits are slipping for some reason do you see how crazy that sounds don't you think if you were her it would hurt more for the woman that you've lived with
for 10 years who loves you who thinks you're lovely to break up with you to leave you to avoid having an awkward honest conversation that might have hurt your feelings look you've tried gentle suggestions you've tried light inquiries you've tried playing clue professor plum in the conservatory
with the tooth floss you got to stop you got to be direct this is why as people age people in long term relationships people marriages tend to live longer and remain healthier over time than single people because there is someone there to say hey stop complaining about x and go to the
fucking doctor already there's also someone there when it comes to personal hygiene practices to say hey i have noticed you have stopped flossing stop brushing your teeth regularly and this doesn't just impact you and if you were single it would matter but like your breath stinks and you got to
go blast and brush your teeth we will go do that together and stop with the gentle suggestions about maybe we could possibly think about one day before we get into bed taking a shower together perhaps doesn't that sound like fun and say to her you stink i'd said that to my husband and he
hasn't left me and my husband has said the same thing to me sometimes we can't smell ourselves and we need someone to look at us and say oh my god you need to go brush your teeth and that person isn't going to be a coworker it's not going to be your employer ideally it's not going to be a
neighbor it's not going to be hopefully somebody on the bus it's not going to be a telegram from the president on your hundredth birthday it's got to be who it's got to be you it's got to be the significant other it's got to be the person that you love and live with and rely on to look
out for you and to look out for what's best for you which includes flossing and brushing your teeth all don't rot and fall the fuck out of your head which includes saying things like hey you need to go take a shower because i really want to be close to you and this is getting in
the way your butt stinks sometimes are all our butts stink sometimes i'm sure my butt stinks sometimes you can soften the blow by saying this i'm sure sometimes i stink and you know what if i stink you can tell me i want you to tell me if i stink and i didn't realize it and i need
to go jump in the shower but i am right now telling you that and i'm gonna keep telling you that so fuck gentle suggestions fuck light inquiries fuck playing clue start laying it down all right time for listener feedback first up some of the comments left on last week's show in
the very lively comment thread at savage.love says pb5kj to the woman whose husband wants to explore jerking off with guys and maybe an mmf3 some she should read former love cast gas Jane Ward's book not gay sex between straight white men it's fascinating eye opening look at men's
interests in and need for sexual contact with other men no matter how they identify by damfan weighed in on whether sending a plus one on a wedding invitation to somebody no to be poly amorous is polyphobic speaking as a poly person says by damfan if you are in a triad and everyone in the
triad knows the couple then the triad is the equivalent of a couple for the sake of a wedding invitation but most poly amorous relationships are not triads if i have more than one partner and receive an invitation with a plus one i would pick the one who knows the couple best every
additional person cost the couple inviting you to their wedding money is what a lot of people seem to forget and finally says krain reads to the caller whose queer son objects to his mother reading mm romance novels as someone who is an avid reader of queer romance by all different types of authors there is definitely a subset of straight female authors who are writing fetishizing or objectifying mm romance novels and they are doing it because there is a subset of straight female
readers who are buying it okay krain reads point taken but seems to me even if every mm romance novel written by a straight woman for other straight women fetishizes or objectifies gay men where's the harm it's not like these straight women are going to treat the gay men they date as objects because
gay men aren't going to date them and a woman who reads mm romance novels probably less homophobic on average than a woman who doesn't so while i see how this might be cringe and we all know how sensitive teenagers are to cringe behaviors particularly coming from their parents i don't see how it's a problem all right for more listener feedback and to try your hand at giving some advice yourself check out struggle session every thursday at savage.love where i respond to listener and reader
comments and post a letter that isn't going to make it into savage love and you get to give the advice and now everyone's favorite part of the show the part where i shut my big game out and listeners get the last word. then on episode nine thirty seven the abusive boyfriend who wants the dog i think you're totally right it's about control it's about winning i think there's a middle ground here where she can get the dog and she can still let him think that he's one offer to buy the dog they
both know that the dog is better off with her offer a low price fifty dollars and then let him win by extorting you know three or four hundred dollars whatever she's going to pay and then he walks away thinking he's one she gets the dog and never has to see him again hi dan poli amur's
person here with a response to the poli plus one discourse i wanted to point out that these considerations aren't just applicable to high cost events like weddings i work for a company that prides itself on being progressive and queer inclusive i'm completely out at work about being
poli and everyone is super supportive but i know of at least two co-workers who are poli but not out at work yet we use online forums to rcp for things like company picnics or holiday parties previously the forum asked something like are you bringing your spouse i have brought multiple
partners to accompany events before but for those co-workers who aren't out the rcp questions might make them feel like their whole family is not necessarily welcome at these events i emailed our admin folks and suggested trying to find some more inclusive language now the forum simply
asks how many adults are you bringing it costs the company almost nothing to accommodate multiple partners we always have lots of leftover food drinks but it makes it clear that they respect me and my partners and my family system if you're the person of your company who has the opportunity
to make diverse families feel more welcome it might be as simple as adding a couple of words to your rcp form in my opinion this discourse should be less about paying for one more stake dinner at your wedding or whether your guests will have a special person to talk to and much more about
acknowledging that we don't all fit into the same mold and doing what we can to make people in our lives feel seen cared for and welcome hey Dan Nancy in the tech savvy youth calling about the caller who said he had an anxious attachment style i am a mental health professional and a lot
of people make the mistake thinking that attachment styles are fixed identities like a personality style that will have for the rest of their life that's just not true all of us are aiming to have a secure attachment style where we trust ourselves and we trust others so if you have an anxious
attachment style you don't trust other people and if you have a avoid attachment style you only trust yourself so there's no excuse just to say i have an anxious attachment style if this caller is person he's having sex with is making him feel mistrustful and anxious this is not a
trying to lean into his attachment style but to have a corrected experience live with the ambivalence and the ambiguity that comes up with relationships and try to be more secure and we're going to leave it right there we've got three ways for you to get us a question to comment for future shows you can record and upload your question directly onto our website at savaged.love slash ask Dan or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savaged.love
or you call our landline like it's 1999 and leave us a message at 206302 2064. Hump 2024 part two screens in Baltimore this weekend at creative alliance before heading to screenings in New Orleans Vancouver and Palm Springs the following weekend if you need something take your mind off the news
the election an evening of sexy funny kinky short films will do just that for tickets to a hump screening near you or to get streaming passes and watch hump in your very own home going to hump filmfest.com follow me on instagram and threads at Dan savaged follow me a blue sky at Dan savaged
follow desbishop on instagram and threads at desbishop his new comedy special of all people out now and available to watch for free on youtube you can also hear him co-host the podcast burner phone with his wife and a burger and a very special thanks and shout out to the popovers for the intro
music theme music we play each week here on the love cast as well as the out term music you're listening to right now under my voice Tim we still love you the savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Hurtunian and me and the tech savvy at risk youth and Nancy we will all be back at you next week when installment of the savage love cast thank you for telling me it's okay to get a little wild