You're listening to the micro version of The Savage Lovecast at Savage.loaf. How do we do it? I got that question yesterday from a reader and then got it again at dinner from a friend. How do we do it? How do we make it work? Me and Terry. Because not only are we, me and my husband, not only are we open, something some people can't make work, not something everyone has to make work. It's not for everyone, but not only are we open, we're poly, and not only are we
poly, we are kitchen sink poly. The expression is actually kitchen table poly defined by modern intimacy as a type of polyamorous metamorphor arrangement in which all people involved can sit down at a kitchen table and spend time sharing a meal together, wear a cup of coffee. I slipped up once on the show and called it kitchen sink poly and people made fun of me, but you know, I think kitchen sink poly actually captures the type of polyamorous arrangement we have here.
Because we don't just have the occasional cup of coffee at the same table together. Me and my husband and his boyfriend, we live together. Seems to me there's kitchen table poly occasionally get together for a cup of coffee and then there's everything and anything kitchen sink poly where you live together like the three of us do. And when someone asks me how we do it, weirdly, I always think of my mug. It's the cup I drink my tea out of every morning and have for 30 years. It's
done the special. It's this ugly squat white ceramic thing with Expo 86 written on it in large blue letters. Terry's parents bought it at the Expo 86 World's Fair in Vancouver, British Columbia, 1986. Somehow they came along with Terry when we moved in together and I started using them and me being a creature of habit and routine. That mug became a part of my daily routine and important comforting part of my daily routine. It's my mug. It sits on the counter by the tea pot only I
am allowed to use my mug and I'm a little psychotic about it. I will admit but my mug. One morning shortly after Terry's boyfriend Tom began spending the night but before he moved in, I walked into the kitchen and gasped because Tom was pouring coffee into my mug and I'm a tea drinker in the addition to not wanting anybody to use my mug. I certainly don't want coffee in my mug. Terry heard me gasped and looked up and then Terry gasped and Tom looked at us and was like,
what the fuck am I doing wrong? And I said to Tom, you can have my husband. You cannot have my mug. Terry with a stricken look on his face, I think he was hoping to wait a little bit longer to have the my husband as a little nuts conversation with his new boyfriend. Terry explained that Tom was free to use every other coffee cup in the kitchen and every glass knife fork plate chair bed dildo
whatever in the house. But only I got to use the XBO86 bugs. You know that famous story about Van Halen burying an item in their contract when they were touring giant arenas in the 1980s with elaborate stage shows and the item in their riders said that there had to be a bowl of M&Ms in
their dressing room with all of the brown M&Ms removed. And how seeing the bowl with no brown M&Ms set the band at ease because it meant that the venue read their rider and took it seriously because if they got something so small, right, like the bowl of M&Ms with no brown M&Ms, the band could trust that the venue got the big things right too, like fireworks and the moving parts of the stage and the flying platforms. And I kind of feel like that's me and my mug.
It's a little thing kind of a pain in the ass thing like removing brown M&Ms from a bowl of M&Ms. But when you see that people can get the little things right, it gives you confidence that they can get the big things right too. So I told my friend at dinner the story about my dumb mug and how Tom, my husband's boyfriend, took it seriously. Not only never used my mug again, he looked
out for my mug. We used to have two of them, one broke. I was seriously grieving losing one of those mugs because I am a weirdo and I was worried that if the last one broke, I wouldn't have a mug anymore. I would be mugless and have to drink my tea out of my hands or something. And Tom, Tom and Terry would put my mug away for me when I was gone, when I was off seeing my boyfriend, put it away for me to keep it safe, and then set it back out for me on the counter when I got home.
Taking care with that mug is silly as it sounds was a sign that we would, he would, the three of us could take care of each other because Terry has his own mugs, which is how I think of the small ways in which Terry needs to be cared for as does Tom. So I told my friend, think about what your mug is and your partner's mug and your partner's partner's mug, the riders and your contracts, the little things that you and your partner and the person he's seeing can do to show that you
care about each other and you are taking care of each other. Think about what your mugs are because if you can do the little things right, if you can get those little things right, even little things that seem silly or arbitrary, you'd be more confident that you're going to get the big things right too. Sad post script, got a message from Terry recently, be a text, there was something he wanted to tell me before I got home so that I would be braced, very apologetic text.
After 30 years, he knocked my last Expo 86 mug off the counter by accident and it shattered. We had looked around online years before, after the second to last one broke so we could have a backup but could never find one. I guess they didn't make millions of these mugs for Expo 86. Posted about it on Instagram and the internet came through for us. Two very kind people directed us to a small junk store in Vancouver that had three of them. We bought them all,
but still I am the only one who gets to use them. All right, coming up on today's show, tons of your cues, lots of my A's and joining me on the Magnum. Dr. Carlton returns. He's the internet's favorite butt stuff and queer sexual health doctor, co-host of the new podcast, but honestly, Dr. Carlton is here to help me tackle some of your questions about butt stuff. We also talk about the new monkey pox outbreak. Also, Magnum subs, watch out and your feeds this week for a new sex and
politics with California State Senator Scott Weiner. Sex and politics is just one of many perks for our Magnum subs. If you want to get sex and politics, if you want to join our Savage Love Live Zoom Hangouts with other listeners, if you want the longer ad-free version of the show and the longer Savage Love, the column. If you want to support the work we do here, become a Magnum sub. Now you can try out being a Magnum sub for just eight dollars and if you like it, you can join us
for a year for just 40 dollars. No matter how you listen to the show though, micro listener, Magnum listener, we appreciate your ears, the time you spend with us and your support. All right, let's get to your calls. This episode of The Lovecast is brought to you by the Good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website blog or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash Savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Savage to save
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That's n-o-c-d.com. Hey Dan, Paula here from East Coast of Canada. Just a quick question about the LGBTQ plus. Where does Pauli and Marie fall into that? Should there not be a P in the acronym or Alphabet or whatever you want to call it? I've heard it should be represented under queer, but maybe I don't understand queer versus gay. But where's Pauli and Marie and all that fall on the grand scheme of
things? I've always been of the opinion that if it's something gay person can do, lesbian person can do or lesbian couple or gay couple or a bisexual couple can do, then it isn't a sexual orientation. And obviously, Pauli Amriss is an agenda identity. Straight people can be Pauli, gay people can be Pauli, lesbian can be Pauli, bisexual people can be Pauli in the same way that straight people can be kinky or gay people can be kinky. And yeah, so I don't think P belongs in this acronym. I don't
think being Pauli Amriss makes you queer. That said, Diana Adams from the chosen family lost center he's been on the show a bunch of times has really walked us all through and opened my eyes to, well, I was always consciously aware of this. The fact that a lot of people in open or Pauli Amriss relationships face discrimination based on how they live their lives. And so are indeed, you know, people whose jobs people have their children taken from them being Pauli or open is weaponized
against people in contentious divorces by angry X's. And so Pauli Amriss people can be oppressed or persecuted based on their relationship model or structure. And that kind of does argue for tossing a P into the acronym, even though you know those right wing trolls are going to say we put that P in there for pedophile still still I kind of sort of don't think it belongs in there. You know, I read Molly Rodden Winters book more about her and her husband opening their
relationship and going from an open relationship to a more polyamorous relationship. And as I read my rodens Winters book which I really enjoyed at no moment at no point did I think, ah Molly and her husband my fellow queers. They're very clearly a straight couple in an open and poly relationship. And don't we want people who are straight and complicated to still identify as straight to complicate what it means to be straight or the assumptions people make
about being straight. If anybody who's straight diverts from the heterosexual married monogamous missionary position in the dark model to some other way of living if they crash out then of being straight identified aren't we then seeding to this idea of straight all of these really restrictive assumptions that confined straight people in a certain way of living or expressing themselves
that isn't good for straight people. Isn't it better for straight people to realize that they can have options that their relationships are theirs to mold and form and they can opt in to monogamy or non monogamy just like queer people do or gay or lesbian or by people do and still be straight just like gay people can be monogamous and married and have kids and only have sex and missionary
position in the dark with their same sex partners and still be gay. So I'm kind of con adding a P to LGBTQITS plus to a certain point we're just going to have to sing the alphabet song and call it a
day and it does seem a little ridiculous and I think it does no service. I think we should get out there and we should fight for the rights of people who have different relationship models, different family structures as Diana Adams is out there fighting but I don't think we should tell gay people who want to be monogamous or straight people who want to be polyamorous that they're not
really gay or not really straight. They are complicating assumptions others might make about what it means to be gay or straight and we people who are queer can certainly recognize in the ways in which some straight polyamorous or couples or thruples or straight people in open relationships might be
persecuted. We can recognize that the people who are persecuting them are motivated often in the same way that they're motivated to persecute queer people for doing it differently for stepping out of line for rejecting the bill of goods that was sold to us or told to us was the only acceptable way to exist sexually, romantically, socially and be allies but I don't want to say to straight poly people that you ain't straight because I don't want to give social conservatives
straight. I don't think they own it. Anyway, one last thought, you know, queer gay, what's the difference? Queer has always been since 1990 when queer nation distributed queers read this at the New York City Pride Parade. It was suggested as an umbrella term that could unite us. Queer is like genus gay lesbian by trans think of it as species. Your homo sapien, homo is your genus sapien is your species. Queer gay is my genus in species. Queer is what is a term that for many
embraces all people who are gender and sexual minorities. It is not a term anybody has to use. It's not a term everybody likes increasingly. There are gay and lesbian and by any trans people out there who reject queer as an umbrella term, man, we can never settle on anything language wise in our community can we. But I think we can all agree that while lots of poly people are queer, not all poly people are in straight. Hi, Dan. I'm starting a new relationship with someone and I
really, you know, I really, really care about this person. He's just everything I feel like I just mesh with. My previous short-lived relationship was with a Dom who brought out some of my submissive tendencies in the end. I found it all too scripted and it just felt like too much role play not real. However, how do I transfer the better parts of that experience to this new relationship?
It's very new. We haven't even slept together. So I respect your opinion and I know you're the one to ask about this and I just don't want to completely abandon things I discovered in that winter relationship. So if you could address that, that'd be awesome. I think there's a lot of vanilla like me who are starting to stretch at this age. D.S. Dom sub play. Dom sub dynamics in the context of a committed relationship that's more than just play. Think of it like salt and astute.
Little salt adds flavor. Some people like things to be very salty, but it is possible even for people who enjoy salt like salty foods to oversalt the stew. Your last relationship that involved some D.S. play, there was too much salt in that stew. And so what you want to say to the next person that you're dating is I began to experiment with some power exchange. Dom sub, you don't give any specifics about what format it took, but you should share that with your new partner and say,
I really enjoyed this. And if this is something you wanted to explore too, I would be up for it. And then you get to figure out your sodium level that works for the both of you. You know, sometimes people who want D.S. play want to kind of 24, 7 or always on the, just stick with the stove and the cooking metaphor as front burner, always in the foreground, the submission and domination. But most people, people I've known who have D.S. dynamics in the
context of committed romantic relationships, it's kind of on the back burner. It's a low kind of thromb, it's a vibe. And sometimes it's brought to the foreground, sometimes you crank up the heat, but then it becomes a real relationship and a normal relationship. And maybe not quite as salty relationships that could be in those moments. And now my metaphor about salty stew is getting really bizarre. But what worked for you in the D.S. play that you enjoyed with your last
relationship? How do you bring that into your new relationship? You identify what worked for you and you share that with your new partner while you're at the same time, getting to know them, asking them what they're interested in, what they enjoy, sexually, what their kinks might be. So you're not just saying, here are my kinks, here are my needs. Let's figure out how we had to do my kinky things and my needs get met. But also at the same time when you're talking about your kinks,
you're asking them about theirs. Because what you're doing during that conversation is saying, hey, I want you to be GGGG for me, you should always at that moment say, and I am GGGG, I want to be GGGG for you too. This is my thing, not my only thing, but it's a thing that I enjoyed I'd like to explore more. What are your things? Sometimes you have that conversation, you find out there's a lot of overlap that back to the cooking, back to the kitchen, back to the stew, that their thing is
the lid for your pot. Then you get to figure out how much fucking salt you want to put in whatever it is you guys are cooking up together in that pot that is the two of you. Good luck. Ready to move from enthusiast to entrepreneur? Right on! Make sure your website's leveling up with you and use Squarespace. Start a completely personalized website with the new guided design
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savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage. Hi, Dan. 34-year-old cis-pan woman calling because I've always just had a hard time coming. Sometimes I think this could be my fault because I didn't spend enough time exploring my body and finding it will work for me. I spent most of my late teens and
early 20s having what I would call performative sex because I was just faking it. But this was because of me because I was embarrassed that it was taking me so long and it just wasn't happening for me. I didn't want the other person to feel bad and I still wanted them to want to have sex with me. Even when I was on my own, it was just taking me too long. I don't have an hour to rub one out and I didn't enjoy most of the toys that I was trying so I almost never even masturbated.
But I want to be clear. I love sex. I'm very adventurous. I've enjoyed most things that I've tried. It feels good. It's mentally stimulating. I'm just not getting over that edge. So I get married and a couple of years into my marriage. My husband and I start having some trouble and just spice things up. We start incorporating toys and I discover section toys instead of the vibrating ones and oh my god. Dan, the things I can do to my body with these toys.
If this is what people have been experiencing this entire time, I cannot believe that I was missing out on this. And about a year after starting to incorporate toys, my husband figures out the magic formula to go down on me and make me come. Unfortunately, that marriage is over now and I'm finding myself back at square one. I'm trying to get out there. I'm meeting people,
fooling around a little bit and it feels good but I'm just not coming. At least I'm coming when I'm on my own these days but feels awkward to bring up the idea of using toys with a new partner and trying to coach them through what I think that my ex has been used to do that got me there. I just don't know. Is there something I can do to make things more sensitive down there? Or how can I bring up the idea of using toys with a new partner? I don't want them to feel like
they can't make me come but it seems like they can't. And I don't have six years to train another person and life is too short not to be coming. Young men arrive at partner sex, young straight men, young men seeking opposite sex partners. They arrive at partner sex experts on their own orgasms
because they have been jacking off for years and years. They know what it takes. They know what their plateaus on the way to that point of orgasmic inevitability feel like they know what the point of orgasmic inevitability feels like because they brought themselves to that point over and over and over again far too often because young women girls aren't I don't know encouraged by
the culture in the same way. They aren't sent signals that they too should masturbate and explore their bodies all too often young women arrive at partner sex in sort of the same way you arrived at your marriage in expert in their own orgasmic capacity what they need but works for them what gets them off what makes them come. You eventually figured it the fuck out you know now what it takes.
So your marriage is over you got there with your husband with these suction toys that you discovered your husband was able to incorporate them into partnered sex or into a conolingus in such a way where he and the toy together were getting you off you can get yourselves off reliably every single
time you can give yourself shattering orgasms with these toys so you now know you are now at age 34 where like most teenage boys are out at age 15 you are an expert getting yourself off so you have not fallen back to square fucking one you know now you just have to tell you have to say you have to
don't coach if by coach you mean hint or suggest to guys that you're sleeping with now tell them this is what it takes this is what I need to get off and if a guy can't recognize that even if he's using a tool he's giving you that orgasm then he's not the right guy for you because you need these
tools to have the orgasms that you want to have nobody says to someone who built a house oh you used a hammer guess you didn't want to build that house but there are people out there like oh you had sex and she came but you used to vibrate she didn't really make her you made her come with the
vibrate or you built the house with the hammer guys want to know you know if there's a guy who's invested in your pleasure and that's really the only guy you should be wasting your time on or not wasting investing your time in don't waste your time on a guy who's not investing your
pleasure he wants to know what works for you you know tell him and if he looks at your suction toys and is like you gross thank him for his time hand him his pants and shove him out the fucking door because there's some other guy out there on the dating apps where you met that guy who would
be psyched to get between your legs and use his mouth which is a good suction toy use your suction toys enjoy having sex with you make you come and enjoy coming himself and you don't want to waste a second on a guy that you have to hint or coach or suggest or nudge or lead without him realizing
that he's being led to your box of toys have them out great sorting cat the guy sees your toys doesn't want to have sex with you wouldn't you rather masturbate wouldn't you rather be alone with your porn and hopefully soon alone with someone who is mature enough to meet you sexually
where you're at now which is a place of self-awareness knowledge capability and joy it's you should be joyful that you now know what you now know about yourself and excited to share that with your sex partners and if someone isn't excited to hear it that guy didn't get to be your sex partner
picture this you're in the heat of the moment the attraction is there the chemistry is crazy you are feeling amazing and then all of a sudden it hits you an intrusive thought so disturbing embarrassing or disgusting that it doesn't just kill the mood it shakes you to your core might be
taboo or aggressive and you know it's the complete opposite of what you actually want and who you actually are so you start to worry why did I think that what does this mean about me and worst of all this isn't a one-time thing these types of intrusive thoughts keep coming back popping up when
you least want them to and they don't seem to go away you're distress snowballs until it feels out of control but telling anyone about these thoughts seems to mortifying here's the thing about disturbing taboo thoughts they're more common than you think in fact almost everyone has them but
for people with obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD they tend to feel sticky and cause a lot of anxiety and if this doesn't sound like OCD to you that's because it's misunderstood OCD isn't what most people think OCD latches on to unwanted thoughts and can make you feel like a monster even
though that isn't true but that's what makes it so debilitating the thoughts can feel so real that seeking help can seem like a huge risk and since so few people understand what OCD is really like it can feel like you have nowhere to turn if you relate to this no CD wants you to know you're
not alone they created no CD to help anyone struggling with OCD and taboo or disturbing intrusive thoughts to get the treatment and support they need no CD provides virtual therapy with licensed therapists who specialize in OCD they're trained in exposure and response prevention therapy or ERP
the gold standard treatment for OCD and they understand intrusive thoughts even the ones that feel too shameful to share no CD also accepts many major insurance plans and offers always on support between sessions to learn more about therapy with no CD go to no CD dot com and schedule a free 15
minute call with their team that's no CD dot com to learn more and to book a free 15 minute call hi Dan sorry for the background noise it's pouring down rain 30 ish by woman from small town in Indiana here I am a single mother and breast cancer survivor and I am trying to think outside the
box for ways to supplement my income I have briefly considered starting and only fans however as I mentioned I am a breast cancer survivor and I got reconstruction but ended up losing the implant on my right side and I have some pretty nasty scarring I know that there are people who dig it
people who are into scars and like medical stuff so I would imagine there is an audience for someone like me on only fans but I'm wondering if you think there is a big enough audience for it to be worth starting in only fans this is something that I would be absolutely brand new to
I don't take selfies I've never been in the taking pictures of myself or anything like that I am and medically induced minipause and I've gained quite a bit of weight over the last few years so I'm not exactly confident right now either so I was hoping to get your input see if you thought
maybe it would be worth my time hey my heart goes out to you as a breast cancer survivor single mom struggling to pay the bills I get it and I can get why creating an only fans account feels tempting it feels like an easy route to riches but it's not everybody who is on only fans really has
to hustle you see people you know people get written about when you read stories about people getting an only fans or just for fans you read about really the top not 1% of content creators but the top 0.01% of content creators I've read that the average person with an only fans account makes
about a hundred dollars off their only fans account a month that's not going to make two huge difference financially in your life and I got to say there are a lot of really deeply shitty people out there who enjoy the porn they watch but also very much resent the people
in the porn they watch because they can look at them they can pay to look at them but they can't have them and a lot of people not really post-nut clarity it's post-nut rage that they experience and they will lash out at porn stars porn performers in brutal and vicious ways even porn stars
and porn content creators who are making this stuff they most want to see and will lash out and just say the shittiest most hateful hurtful disparaging things I don't know to avenge themselves because they felt vulnerable you know when they signed up for this only fans account because
here's this thing they desire and that they want and they can't have except through fantasy and having to get out their credit card not making excuses for them just trying to wrap my head around what it is about somebody who will jack off looking at a person fantasize about that person which
they could be with that person and then spend the next three hours dragging that person sometimes doxing that person you don't want that you don't need that energy in your life especially when particular kind of pornography you you think you might be able to create has such a tiny potential
audience yeah there are people out there who have scar fetishes amputee fetishes there are people out there into people with bigger bodies middle-aged people whoever you are whatever you whatever your damage whatever you look like whatever you love most
about yourself whatever you hate most about yourself there's somebody out there who's gonna be turned on by that thing but in your case those guys who are into older women into bigger women into women with scars such a tiny percentage of the guys out there on only fans searching for content
credit card in hand but I don't think the money that you would make would be compensation enough for the risk you would be taking but also almost invariably the grief you would get from some of these guys or the hurt you might feel if you put yourself out there if you really work at it if
you invest in the cameras and the lighting and you take learn how to take these pictures and you just don't make very much money not because you aren't attractive not because you aren't hot or creating good content but just because the audience out there for your particular kind of
content is so tiny that you would never make that much money sharing it creating it and putting it out there and yeah I have friends who've made porn and then have had stalkers and haters and just people monitoring them on the internet and some of them bore up under it some of them just
didn't give a shit they had really thick skins and some of them were really wounded by it and it did long-term you know let them with psychological scars I do think that's something a person has to think about the potential for that kind of inviting that kind of asholdery into your life for
making yourself vulnerable to the worst people on the internet in a way that could be psychologically very scarring so yeah no I don't think you should do this I don't think you should take this risk I don't think financially the rewards are great enough potentially for you to get on only fans
hey damn I just found out that my partner my love of four years is in love with someone else and wants to be polyamorous he still loves me deeply it's not my nature you know to be polyamorous I don't think at least I haven't thought so I like to find my one person and just pour everything
into that person and so far especially with this relationship it's felt like more than enough for me so now I have to make a choice and if I do decide to try this when I feel a little better because someday I'm gonna feel better if I do decide to try going for this because this man
and this relationship it's worth it you know what you are gonna call me you're gonna call me a pod and that's so mean something isn't it it's like it's like it's dead it's gonna take everything I have if I do this like all my strength and generosity and every bravery and I'm gonna have to be
feeling myself so hard and maybe when I get to that point I won't care where you call me but right now it hurts my feelings like if I reject this if I try it I'm like no and I'm sitting with a friend I'm like yeah he wanted me to be a fucking pod but I was like no thanks
mother fucker like that's fine but no I don't want to be a pod if anyone has any other ideas if they have more bandwidth than me right now to come up with something a little more inspiring that would be great like something along the like warrior badass bitch queen and also Dan just
a little bit of just some words maybe wisdom from you about all this I've heard you talk about it a million times but now it pertains to me nice to hear from you brand but didn't mean it to be an insult just recognizing the reality of the situation people are in monogamous relationships
they have made a monogamous commitment actively to their partner or they defaulted into the monogamous assumption and then one of them comes to the other and says there's somebody else where I want to explore relationships with other people and so our relationship either has to open
and to come poly or it has to end and a person will sometimes say okay this isn't what I want but I want you more or I don't want to get dumped so much that I will agree under duress to being poly I will be poly under duress p u d pod I think it only bears mentioning that there are
a lot more muds out there than puds out there there are a lot more people who are monogamous under duress because monogamy is the default setting or they went and said I want an open relationship when their partner said no absolutely not a leave you and they didn't want to be left so they
agreed to continue to be monogamous when it wasn't what they wanted or wasn't what made them happy but I think the vast majority I think muds out number puds probably a thousand to one and I think the vast majority of muds out there it was just monogamy what was expected but it's not what makes
them happy or content but they didn't feel like they had any other choice most muds aren't consciously aware of the fact that they are muds so how do we describe how do I come up with a different term for pud or mud that makes you feel like I'm not saying dud or crud which wasn't my
intent at all but I guess you're right it does have a kind of downbeat sad tonation intonation rhythm what about tally pud is something that was imposed on a person somebody is poly under duress because their spouse or partner demanded that they agree to these terms and they
caved so pud is sometimes a person we were turned into against our will pud was done to us pud was imposed on us not something that we necessarily embrace in an active way that's what we do whereas being tally tolerating the open relationship tolerating your partner's other partner
your partner's desire to have an open relationship usually when I use tally it's mean somebody who knows their partner's cheating but tolerated and none of it's above board but maybe tally could also cover people who were in a monogamous relationship the other person
wanted to open it wasn't what they wanted but they're willing to tolerate it and that's something active an active choice they made to help their relationship survive thrive continue to succeed so they can continue to get out of the relationship everything we're getting out of the relationship
it's just this thing that wasn't what they wanted but they are willing to put up with not because their partner demanded it of them but because it was what they wanted they wanted the relationship to continue and so they chose to be tally amorous they chose tally amery
maybe there's that this other word that I've been promoting figures crossed one day tally amery in the OED right there not alongside pegging pnt don't come that close together in the alphabet but in the OED with pegging like I'm a cry or two ask anybody I've ever been in a relationship
with where we've had to have any sort of conversation about the relationship I get weepy easily I feel for you right now and I'm sorry if after your partner had this conversation with you my words came back with that word came back and you heard it in my voice and you felt like I was
putting you down not my intention and I would encourage you if pud makes you sad if pud seems passive if pud seems cruddy be tally instead embrace tally amery I think tally is is that bad-ass bituary all right we have reached the listener feedback part of the program first up
some of the comments about last week show posted in the very lively comment thread at savage.love there is a great conversation on that comment thread about last week show concerning the collar who realized he wasn't physically attracted to someone once he was naked with that person
and then instead of ghosting her or plucking one of the standard little white lies off the shelf he told her he wasn't attracted to her physically after seeing her body there was a lot of picking that collar apart and I think rightly so deserved but there were some people who were wondering if
that collar wouldn't call back to explain exactly what it was about that person's body he didn't like says high estate what would the purpose of that information be he didn't find her physically attractive one can throw words like shallow around but I'm not sure what exactly that means all
physical attraction is shallow all of it is not unimportant sleeping with him is not a fundamental human right if he doesn't want to sleep with her for any reason or at any point he doesn't have to sleep with her so it's not a question about what he thought was wrong with her body or what
didn't work about her body for him it's just a question says high estate about how to let her down gently and their dance advice was great about the collar who was being guilt tripped about showing up at her absentee father's deathbed says compass my father abandoned my mother and I when I was five
years old never heard from him again then a few years ago I got the call he was dying I decided not to travel to see him though he had asked me to do that I wrote an honest heartfelt letter told them of my degrees my family my mother's happiness with my stepfather and then I wished him well
on the next step of his life's journey I also told them what I went through as a child and a teenager and then I let him go thank you for sharing that compass and I have to say I think it was very kind of you to write that letter finally says Michael Newman Dan you mentioned JD
Vance's drag picks in the podcast as I knew you would and pointed out that Republicans aren't against drag when they do it however he doesn't seem to have a drag name maybe savage love listeners could show we have no heart feelings and help him out by coming up with a good one well you know
the internet moves a lot faster than a weekly podcast no one was waiting around to start gaming out brainstorming drag names for JD Vance among my favorites that I saw hanging around social media Vivian Vance sofa Lauren Doris Daybed Nazi Sinatra Ashley furniture Vladimir Futon Courtney
Love seat and perhaps my favorite Hillbilly Eloise anyone of those will do they're all great and yeah JD Vance is gonna need one because I think performing on the drag circuit is gonna be his full-time job after he loses this election in November all right for more listener feedback and
more of my responses check out struggle session I've been taking a break in August from struggle session so I can spend a little bit more time with my family and the great outdoors I promise struggle session will be back and start coming up every Thursday again at savage dot love and now
everyone's favorite part of the show the part where I shut up and I let my listeners have the last word hi this is a response call for the woman who's helping her older mother that up a dating profile I agree with all you and the person you had on giving advice that however
just lost over the thing about scams and really the overwhelming majority of responses of elderly women will get on dating sites are scamming so the things to watch out for if you working in an oil rig is he an international doctor and he not meat so the after money was
in three weeks he must must do it reverse image search and please go see a arp website which has a lot of resources for older people telling them how to avoid scams the woman's mother will get more scammer than genuine responses so it's absolutely something she must must be aware of
elderly people are losing hundreds of thousands of dollars this is for the woman whose father is dying dance advice was spot on I just want to confirm that as someone who's been a hospice worker for the last 10 years it's not entirely uncommon that somebody dies in their children don't show up
because they were a fucking tyrant and or a bigot and or just a fucking asshole and or abusive and you know part of the role of a hospice worker is to go in there as a neutral third party without this entangled history it's it's my job just to help this person die and and I've seen it many times
where the children aren't there or the children are there and it's really awkward and cold and uncomfortable if you do go do it for yourself and maybe you find a moment definitely when your mom isn't present when it's just you and him and you know yeah you can tell him off if that's what
feels right but you could also try to just have a heart to heart and just tell him from your heart the impact that his actions had on your life and do not expect anything from him and it happens more in the movies than in real life but it does happen that you that people might get an apology
or this deathbed reconciliation that does happen people do tend to soften up and open up sometimes before they die so don't expect it but who knows definitely don't go there for that though because it's it's more rare than it is common listen to your intuition in your heart if you go go for yourself
if you don't go that's completely normal and it happens all the time hi Dan this is Ernestine calling from Berlin in response to the question about celery pineapple asparagus and the like I am probably as close to a cum connoisseur or sommelier as you're going to find I'm a sex worker
so I have a wide array of data points to draw from on this topic and I found it really interesting that I worked in the US for a long time and then I moved to Germany and when I moved to Germany the quality of the cum declined precipitously it was suddenly very strongly flavored a lot more of the
time in an unpleasant way not that I mind the taste of cum generally and yes it is a savory snack not a sweet snack but this was like unpleasant and so I started thinking why could this possibly be is it because many here eat a lot more sausages or maybe because they have a lot more beer intake
and eventually I think I've settled on what I think is the most likely explanation which is that people hear smoke a lot more so if you're really interested in having really delicious semen and you need one more excuse or encouragement to stop smoking hopefully that helps
and we're going to leave it there we've got three ways for you to get us your juicy questions and insightful comments for future shows you can record your question or comment at savage.love slash ask Dan or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email your question or
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