You're listening to the microversion of the Savage Lovecast at Savage.Love. Addison Smith got engaged everybody. Smith, you know, Addison Smith, the host of InFocus with Addison Smith. Smith on the Real Talk Radio Network. That's Charlie Kirk, and Rudy Giuliani and Steve Bannon's outfit. His show is on every day. I checked. It's an actual show on every day from 3 to 4 AM.
So, yeah, not exactly Prime Radio real estate. Addison claims he's the youngest talk show host in America, and since I can't cut Addison in half and count the rings, there is no way for me to verify that. But what Addison may be most famous for, at least as of last week, was the tweet he posted announcing his engagement. Pride Month is so defeated. Addison tweeted out along with a photo of him proposing to his girlfriend in June. And his girlfriend apparently said, yes to the mess.
What Addison would have us believe the assertion he's making to his followers is that gay people don't want straight people to be straight, that we don't want you to date each other, get married or have kids. And like so much else from the right, the pure projection. They don't want us, right wing straight people don't want us, don't want gay people to date or get married or have kids. We're fine with you getting married and having kids and doing all of the things love his love, as they say.
But I think the most important message here, the one Addison was really invested in getting across, is that Addison Smith got engaged to a lady with lady parts. But I gotta say Addison, Addie, Addie, baby, if all you're thinking about when you get down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend is how much the guys, whose dicks you totally don't want to get down on both knees to say.
Sock are going to be saddened to learn. You're marrying a lady, which means they're going to have to find other guys. Maybe it pride, which remains undefeated to suck their dicks because Addison Smith is a lot of things. The youngest talk show host in America and a troll in a homophobe. But Addison Smith is not a cock sucker.
We all know how this ends, right? Addison Smith, right now, is running around bragging about how he totally owned the queer to lib tards because his tweet did get a big reaction. I'm not online, but Addison is young, and so Addison doesn't know how this story, how stories like his almost invariably play out over time. He may not know where and how this ends, but we know where and how this ends. It ends in a truck stop or in a bathroom or in a hotel room or in a rent boy.
Speaking of pride, which I predict will outlive Addison Smith's marriage and Addison Smith's heterosexuality. There is a bakery here in Seattle that is selling rainbow croissants. That look amazing. They look so amazing when I saw them online. I went, got some. I don't know how they do it. It's a normal croissant on the outside, but it becomes this little pride parade of a croissant when you pull it apart.
Like the end of Addison Smith's story, the jewel toned colors of the rainbow flag are baked in. I saw another post on social media about pride last week. A lesbian, I'm thred saying that she didn't like listening to the complaints of right wingers about all the rainbows everywhere in June.
She didn't want to give the haters an inch, but after riding a rainbow stripe subway card to the airport and boarding a plane covered with a giant rainbow decal and being handed a rainbow cocktail napkin along with her pride themed pre-flight rainbow cocktail. She found herself wondering how much affirmation was too much affirmation and where the affirmation ends and the marketing begins.
I was thinking the same thing as I waited for the light to change at the rainbow stripe crosswalk under the rainbow banners hanging from the light poles wondering whether the cop in the rainbow stripe squad car was going to give me a ticket if I decided to j walk on my way to the bakery to pick up some rainbow stripe croissants.
Yeah, yeah, sometimes a lot of rainbows that's the complaint of corporations and city governments ignore us put up the rainbow flag we feel slided if right wingers scare them off see but light we feel outraged by the betrayal. But when they pile it on we feel. Hey, Trinized somehow the sweet spot not too much rainbow not too little rainbow just the right amount of rainbow has never been hit.
That said, it is really easy for us in the west to be cynical about this stuff about pride about the rainbow cocktails and rainbow subway cars and rainbow croissants and be jaded roll our eyes. I was reminded of that when I got a call this week from a listener in keve i'm just going to play the call for you now. Hi, Dan. At the beginning of your next episode, can you please please talk about the pride march the equality pride march in Ukraine.
It was the world's shortest and probably most essential pride march we walked for 100 meters were allowed to walk for 100 meters we literally crossed a street but every single step. meant the world to us there were queer soldiers who are protecting our land and our people on the front lines every day there were. The last ones of soldiers there were queer people of Ukraine who.
We just want to live in a free country. And just want to get away from the Russian colonial anti gay propaganda and agenda so please it would mean so much to so many of us if you just share your words of support. I'm reminded to my fellow Americans the authoritarians here who threaten our democracy and our freedoms they first fell in love with Putin and Putinism when he passed russia's don't say gay law in 2013 that's how much they hate us still.
Which makes pride and all of it sometimes ridiculous excess necessary and important and meaningful still so happy pride everybody a shout out to all the brave LGBT people and allies who marched in keves pride parade earlier this month.
Your bravery you're longing to enjoy the freedoms we have here and sometimes take for granted even as they are under threat your bravery is an inspiration to queer people all over the world so yeah i'm going to shout out my listeners and keve i'm wishing you a happy pride and a free and whole liberated Ukraine.
Quick programming note we're going to be on vacation next week me anancy in the tech savvy at risk you are heading off to enjoy the holiday in a secret undisclosed location so we will not have a new love cast for you next Tuesday magnam subs next Tuesday we'll get a new sex and politics my conversation with Amanda mark hot senior political writer for salon look for that in your feeds magnam subs.
On Tuesday if you'd like to become a magnam sub you can become a magnam sub right now at savage dot love slash subscribe. Alright coming up on today's show on the micro tons of your cues lots of my a's and joining me on the magnam Leo Herrera is back he has a new book out called analog cruising Leo is on a mission to get gay and by men off the apps and back into the three big bees the bath houses the back rooms and the bars.
Leon i talk about what apps did for us what they've cost us and how gay and by men can strike a balance between the apps and IRL cruising all that coming up on today's show this episode of the savage love cast is brought to you by dipsy dipsy is an app full of hundreds of short sexy audio stories designed by women for women get an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipsy stories dot com slash savage.
This episode is brought to you by helix sleep the very best mattress designed with your comfort in mind get up to 30% off a mattress purchase plus two free pillows at helix sleep dot com slash savage hi diann I am a woman in my early 30s married to a man.
In his early 30s we've been together about 10 years now and have been either talking about or acting on non monogamy for about the past five years my question is around how to make sure we're consuming reputable and quality content when it comes to topics like non monogamy sex sexuality etc.
I asked this because my husband and I have very differing interests in non monogamy for me it's more of a hobby for him it's more of an identity and the last year my husband has really leaned into this identity and has been taking workshops and classes and done some coaching sessions and I think that's great more recently he approached me about a coaching series he wants to start with a woman who talks a lot about divine femininity and mass.
And that's a lot of masculinity and coaches men specifically to usher them into their dark masculine it's a lot of terms I'm unfamiliar with but it raises a lot of red flags for me because I grew up in a really religious and extremist environment for the first 20 years of my life and so now I tend to really stay away from anything even remotely spiritual.
I had been the same but obviously that's starting to change but I do have a lot of concerns when it comes to people spouting their ideas as fat and I get a little tingling about is this a cult and I recognize that could be my own triggers but when I looked into this woman more you know I can't really find any credentials I can't really understand what training she's undergone to be able to offer these coaching services
at a very expensive price and I recognize that in the sex positive and you know sexual sexual space there may not be credentials or licensures that people can point to and I totally understand that but it brings me back to my question of how do we make sure that we stay open minded and our sex positive but how do we take in content from sources that are quality and and reputable and not just the musings of a future cult leader.
Anybody can call themselves a life coach just like anybody can call themselves a sex expert or an advice columnist there is no credentializing agency there's no bar exam there's no better business bureau rankings there's no union all there is is your got and if your got is telling you that this very expensive series being taught by this woman about divine femininity and dark masculinity is a bunch of creepy woo woo nonsense that perhaps traffic sin or embraces or reinforces
gendered stereotypes about male and female souls and you want no part of it don't fucking go doesn't sound like you can stop your husband from going there's some need in your husband to make what you guys are doing non monogamy and open relationship not just the relationship model that works for you guys but some who hire calling elevated emotional
play not which he now exists as a nominogamous person as you can hear probably the tone of my voice that kind of gives me high of a little bit maybe for the same reason it's setting off your body sense I grew up in a very fundamental Catholic fundamentalist Catholic evangelical Catholic home and there was a lot of woo woo about all sorts of things encountered a lot of people who were telling me
to believe things to take them on faith or to believe them because they were saying them you know encountering people who would pretend to know things that even I as an author could figure out that no one could actually absolutely with any certainty know that thing that this person was telling me that they knew for sure and that I was a bad person for having doubts or
questions and yeah so you know I'm one of those people who left the church and then found some church that had less of a problem with my homosexuality to meet my to fill the shape hole in my heart I just went out there to find some boys to fill the boy shaped hole in my ass instead and you and your husband your husband didn't need to make this woo
about nominogamy could just go out there and find some human shaped people to fill the non monogamous holes in your lives or your psyches or your relationship but no your husband wants to give it some transcendent meaning wants to attach importance to it in this particular way that shouldn't bother you you know you shouldn't police the books or podcasts that he listens to but at the moment your husband starts writing large checks
the some life coach woo woo guru that involves you that requires your consent because your husband you and your husband I'm sure your finances are
commingled intermixed and the spending that you engage in as individuals is something that the two of you together need to come to some rough agreement about of course everybody in relationship there there shouldn't be a veto power absolute veto power that one person has over another person spending everybody should have some mad money in the relationship that they can spend on shit that appeals to them that may baffle or mystify their husband see my husband shoe collection but
large checks to some cult leader potentially you might want to stage a little intervention right there you might want to do your due diligence not your screw diligence your due diligence and if your husband refuses to do his own due diligence on his own half as he contemplates writing these large checks to this woman you're going to have to do it for him and you may have to confront him with the evidence
you might find that this woman possibly not saying she is but possibly could be after you do your due diligence you might discover that she is a charlatan and you will have to throw that down in front of your husband I'm a woman calling from Canada in my 30s I have a question about telling my in-laws about our polyamorous relationship so in several years ago my husband and I started conversations about my bisexuality and the potential for me to explore this by opening up our relationship
over a year ago I'm an awesome woman and we're now in a loving relationship my husband is very supportive and gets along well with my partner and the relationship between my husband and I has never been better now for the confounding variables my husband and I have a singleton and twins nine and under and we live together with my in-laws this includes a father-in-law with advanced dementia
my husband girlfriend and I would like to be open about our arrangement with my mother-in-law my husband and I would like to involve my girlfriend in our daily lives more she believes in our she's already enthusiastically involved with helping out with the kids my mother-in-law is open-minded and prides herself in being a rebellious soul but she still is a victim of her generation in some ways she just turned 70 we are open with many of our friends and some family
we're currently lying by a mission to my mother-in-law however by not keeping her or bringing her into the loop also the longer we go without telling her the worst her reaction could be in the case that she finds out in some roundabout way and we can't really fool my girlfriend into our lives more without telling her a singleton how we all live together I should also note that my girlfriend and mother-in-law have met many times in sort of a social situation
different social situations and my mother-in-law seems to genuinely enjoy my girlfriend we don't want the in-laws to move out as we plan on caring for them as they age in place additionally my mother-in-laws and awesome support with our young children and as an important member of our family we also spread the care for my father-in-law across all the adults in the house we want to continue to foster a loving household for our family include my girlfriend as another support to all of us
and for us to her as an aside we'd like to explain our arrangement to the kiddos but we can't really do that without grama knowing too any advice on how we might approach this conversation in hopes of getting my mother-in-laws
buy-in do we need some sort of permission or okay from her as a valued member of the household I'm thinking my husband should lead the charge in this conversation my mother-in-law doesn't have a great history of being a good communicator she sometimes resorts to passive aggressiveness there's a
chance that my mother-in-law will see this arrangement as very selfish or foolish especially on my part because it is her son after all if she has a really negative reaction it can mean losing her support with the kiddos and the household in the way that we've been enjoying living together now
because of my parents passing my mother-in-law is a primary family support with the kids and also we just really appreciate having her around and love her very much but if she has a negative reaction there could be some serious consequences I get the feeling that
it would probably be okay but why not pass the question by you Dan looking forward to hearing what you have to say if half the family knows that you're an appalling amorous triad with your husband of more than a decade your girlfriend of more than a year and other friends know and people in your
orbit know your mother-in-law is going to find out so it isn't a question of whether or not to tell your mother-in-law when you guys began coming out to other people you tipped over some dominoes that would eventually mean you told mom told your mother-in-law so you might as well get out in
front of what is inevitable here that your mother-in-law is going to find out about your girlfriend and also what would be beneficial to you which is your mother-in-law knowing about your girlfriend so you can fold your girlfriend more fully into your family life you seem to be placing too much
emphasis I mean too much concern with your mother-in-law having a negative reaction to the fact that you'd never mentioned whether she knows you're by or not but the fact that you and your husband her son are an appalling amorous relationship with another woman and yeah I guess there could
be fallout from that if your mother-in-law takes her husband who is suffering from dementia and you and your husband have signed up to help care for it through the end of his life and herself who you signed up to help care for through the end of her life is she gets really fucking upset and
decides to move out all right the only person she's really fucking over in an enormous way if she were to do that is her so I'm not saying you should regard their dependence on you as a kind of leverage but I think her awareness of their dependence on you and your kindness and generosity
is going to factor into her thought process after you come out to her as poly and in a relationship with another woman she is going to have to weigh if she is prejudiced against poly people or by people she's going to have to weigh her prejudices against the people that she has come to know and
this is always how queer people when we come out to our family and friends who didn't know we were queer it's how we win because we're standing in front of them we're a person that they know in love maybe they were taught to believe things about the kind of people we are that they never would have
challenged there were never would have been a moment's cognitive dissonance that caused them to reassess but now they got to reassess because there's what they believe there's their prejudices and there's us they're loving daughter-in-law who helps to take care of her ailing husband
and this woman your girlfriend that she's also come to know and to like so I would have some confidence in the lived experience of so many other queer people even if the initial reaction of your mother-in-law is a negative one give her some time and some combo of reassessing her
prejudice and the face of the people that she's come to know and love and depend on and some awareness perhaps slightly subconscious awareness of your generosity kind of but also her dependence on you in this stage of her life yeah that's a lot of things that add up to a little bit of perhaps
motivated reasoning on your mother-in-law's part to get past this and accept you now that you're a package on the porch she has to sign for it's a fate to complete you're in this relationship and be wonderful if she accepted it right away signed for that package on the porch right away
but if it takes her a little bit of time oh my god we've all fucking been there my mother who is golden about gay stuff pee flag mom rainbow bumper stickers on her car never had a rainbow bumper sticker on my car initially didn't ever want to meet any guy I was dating she came around
and came around fast so if your mother-in-law has a negative reaction do what so many queer people have done in the past take a deep breath let her ask all the questions that she needs to ask given if they seem insensitive or unkind answer those questions as calmly as you can model for
her the love you would like to receive from her and give it a minute oh and I've been there very recently my husband's boyfriend who lives with us didn't tell his parents that he was dating a married man for the first three years of their relationship and it was scary and nerve
racking when he finally came out to them about the relationship that he's in and last Christmas they were at our house for Christmas Eve for dinner they had a lot of questions for us they had concerns I would have been concerned if they didn't have concerns they had concerns we addressed
them their concerns were resolved and now everyone's on board and it's nice and it's wonderful but we had to walk through that very small fire you might have to walk through a very small fire yourself in the end for that Christmas Eve dinner with everybody there it's worth it this
episode is brought to you by helix sleep makers of the best mattress in the world also known as my favorite place my mattress where I wish I was right now and we'll be soon the helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses including their award-winning lux and ultra premium elite
collections the helix plus a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers and the helix kids mattress designed for growing bodies and endorsed by child sleep experts to figure out the best mattress for you go take the helix sleep quiz online just takes a couple of minutes your personalized
mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge and for peace of mind helix offers a one hundred night trial so you can try out your new helix mattress and a 10 to 15 year warranty Terry and I love our midnight lux mattress because it is big enough to accommodate
both of us also big enough to accommodate very special guest stars and that mattress can handle everything and everyone we throw at it and when it's time to sleep it is by far the most comfortable mattress we've ever slept on helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners go to helix sleep dot com slash savage that's helix sleep dot com slash savage 30% off this is their best offer yet it won't last long go get that new mattress because with
helix better sleep starts now hi Dan I'm a cis head lady on the west coast I'm in my mid 30s I'm calling because I have a friend that I love and care about so much and then there's her boyfriend who I just really strongly feel is not good enough for her mainly because he is dealing with some
intense mental health issues and is not ready to get therapy or see a psychiatrist and it's putting a lot of pressure on my friend to be his sole emotional support and it's really pissing me off I'm struggling with how I can bring this up to her in a loving way that is helpful to her and
doesn't just feel like I'm shitting on her boyfriend because he's not a bad person he's unwell but he's also refusing to get better and I feel not treating my friend the way she deserves to be treated shit on your friend's boyfriend shit away let loose however you put it however you try to couch
or frame it if your friend reacts defensively takes it in the wrong way even if you set it in the nicest possible most considerate careful way they're gonna regard it they're gonna take it as you taking a huge fucking dump on their boyfriend and their relationship and so you might as well
just be direct say the thing that you want to say your boyfriend is unwell your boyfriend has mental health challenges you are not a therapist you are not a counselor you are not equipped to provide him with the help that he needs he's on firing you are at the fire department
and yeah sometimes you have to hear from someone else outside your relationship that what you think is going on inside your relationship is obviously to others not good not good for you and in the unnot good for him if he regards her is the reason why he doesn't have to seek help from a professional
or seek the kind of help that might get him better then the longer she's there beside him the longer it delays him getting the help that he actually needs sometimes we get into our head that this person who is on fire we can't walk away from because they're on fire and if that person
realizes that we are staying with them because they're on fire they don't have an incentive and this can be a subconscious process a conscious process to put the fucking fire out if I know so long as I'm unemployed or unhealthy or fucked up or reeling that you will be there for me how do
I keep you here for me I keep fucking up I keep reeling I keep being unhealthy so that you continue to dance attendance upon me it can be consciously a manipulative strategy to keep somebody in your life to trap somebody in a relationship on the part of someone who's unwell but I think often it's
to subconscious toxic codependent dynamic and if that's what's going on in your friend's relationship she might not be able to see it or might think that no one else can see it and hopes to that in time she can persuade him to get better that she can magically fix him herself somehow
and hearing from you that she probably can't do that and that she needs to get out of this relationship for her own sake and his that might be what she needs sometimes we need permission from someone else to do a difficult thing a hard thing a thing that we think makes us look bad I
abandoned him when he was unwell we need permission from our friends from our family from our support network to do that difficult thing that we worry others might interpret as a negative about us and to hear from your best friend that not only am I not going to see it that way but that it is a
positive that you will be if she dumps him on your advice have you take this shit on her as she'll be taking care of herself and perhaps persuading him to go get help to take care of himself in a way that she is not able to take care of him yeah so shit away be direct send her
the link to this episode of the podcast that she can hear your question where you're unselved consciously speaking to your friend by speaking about your friend and listen to my response to it's a difficult position that you're in this is a hard thing to do and I feel for you but this is
what friends are for this is a moment like this is when we need a friend to come through for us and say the hard thing you want dirty talk you want hot thumbs rough and wild forbidden fruit my favorite kind dipsy has it this episode is brought to you by dipsy dipsy is an app full of hundreds
of short spicy audio stories dipsy brings scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes and realistic characters discover stories about second chance romances adventurous vacation flings and hot and heavy hookups at dipsy they've also got a growing library of fantasy series with
werewolves regency era historical fiction and very smart to explore the bounds of your pleasure and your imagination I'm actually just a little bit jealous because this kind of thing erotica dirty stories that's my jam but dipsy is really pitched to and centers women come on dipsy
throw as fellows a bone oh wait they have there's a him and him category also a Greek gods category so bone throne guys new content released every week so in between listening to your favorite stories again and again you can always find something new to explore dipsy offers a modern
approach to romance through high quality and captivating audio fiction for listeners of this show dipsy is offering an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipsy stories calm slash savage that's 30 days of full access for free when you go to d i p s e a stories calm slash savage let
them to the love cast sent you dipsy stories calm slash savage hi dad I'm in a relationship with a man that we've been dating almost three years now and from the beginning um we've talked about non monogamy he came out of a long marriage thinking that he wanted to be ethically non monogamous
and we pretty much have been monogamous over these three years except for we have experimented with three sums and he's encouraged me to play with other people um in hopes that in doing so I will kind of shift my perspective on non monogamy and become open to him dating other people so now we're
at a point where he is seeing someone else and he's only been with her three times but every time I have an extremely physical trauma response like sick to my stomach throw up feel like my world is ending a little bit and yeah I feel like I can't do it again and then we go through
a cycle of like trying to be in monogamous again and then he expresses his desire for wanting to try this again and I say I'm willing and then we do it again the same thing happens again and I'm just not warming up to it what I'm wondering is is there a way to change how I feel about him
being with someone else I understand like all the arguments for non monogamy rationally and intellectually it makes sense to me but when it comes down to experiencing it it's like very painful for me maybe from some of the trauma I've experienced earlier in life with relationships my family
relationships as well as with loved ones but as it comes down to it it feels like there's no compromise between monogamy and non monogamy and either I have to find a way to be okay with it or he has to agree to be monogamous or we have to end our relationship which neither of us want to do
do you have any advice I've said before there's no compromise between monogamy and non monogamy kind of a binary you're either monogamous or you're not but actually there are a lot of couples out there who regard we only play together as a compromise between monogamy and non monogamy there
are couples out there who regard we only play together as another like half three sums together with both of us there who regard that not as non monogamy at all that's monogamy we always have sex with each other and sometimes somebody else together but we are having sex with each other at those
times and maybe that's the compromise for you guys between monogamy and non monogamy you say that when your boyfriend of three years is on a date with another woman by himself you have a trauma response you get sick to your stomach you throw up you feel like your world is ending and then
I would like to pipe into say your world didn't end three times you thought your world was ending didn't end he came back world didn't end but somehow that's not sinking in you're not confident that if he goes out on a date with somebody else that the world won't end and he is going to come
back to you just like he's come back to you the last three times but you don't say that you had that response when you had three sums with him you apparently enjoyed the three sums that you had with him and so maybe maybe for the two of you that's the workable compromise for now perhaps
forever between monogamy and non monogamy is that a satisfactory compromise for him though because what he said he wanted going into this relationship wasn't the occasional threesome he wanted an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship so what he wants ultimately is to be with someone
and have the freedom to be with other people not in one offer three sum situations but to date other women and if threesome's are something that you enjoy then having threesome's isn't necessarily much of a compromise for you if polyamory is what he wants only having threesome's
is going to be a significant compromise for him so even though we've kind of demarcated here a middle ground between monogamy and non monogamy still someone is going to have to pay the price of admission here he's either going to have to agree to only see other people with you present and
maybe not have relationships ongoing relationships independent of his relationship with you with other people which is what he wants or you're going to have to agree to work through this trauma response to get a little cognitive behavioral therapy to attach meaning and import and wait to be able to self-south when he's out with other people or another woman by reminding yourself that every other time this has happened and you thought your world was ending and your lunch was coming up your lunch
may have come up but your world didn't end because he did indeed come back to you. Hi Dan here's my question in a nutshell is it possible to have more than one great love in one's lifetime I understand it's not like this just the one out there for us I've loved before I'm in my 60s
I know I love again but last year I fell in love with someone like I have never loved someone before not to this extent this level and he felt the same way towards me but he's married and even though he's unhappy in his marriage for various reasons he won't leave it I can't be a mistress and I
feel guilty even the thought of wishing to break up anyone's marriage no matter how much I want to be with him so I'm dating and there's someone that I'm starting to have loving feelings for but I know it'll never be like the feelings I had for this guy from last year I don't know if I'll ever
feel that again I know it was just a short duration of half a year that this guy and I had an emotional and a very brief sexual relationship and I listed for myself all the reasons why he would not be the best guy for me but still nine months later I'm just not over him I don't want to think
this was all I get for the great love of my life was just a few months is there a chance of having a love like this again life is long and messy and also life is short why not be a mistress I was just listening to a podcast about Nell Gwynn noble blood the podcast Danish Wortses wonderful podcast
about royal scandals and tragedies Nell Gwynn was Charles the second mistress now there are a lot of perks to being a royal mistress the children that Nell Gwynn had with Charles the second were given titles for descendants are part of the British aristocracy that's obviously not in the
offing here because this guy whoever he was is not the king of England and you're not in your child bearing years but why the fuck not why the fuck not be a mistress it may not be the ideal situation but it may be what's best for you not just because you'll get to be with this guy
again but because it might help you get over this guy you ended this relationship after a few weeks after a month and a half I think you said and so you ended it when you were still in the new relationship energy stage the limberance phase you were still besotted the relationship was
new and exciting and perfect and you were falling in love and then you ended it and who knows if you'd stayed with him if you had compromised your values and become a royal mistress maybe after three months a little bit of the bloom would have gone off the roads and you might still have loved
him but maybe that love would have been complicated by getting to know him a little better and then the end of the relationship at the end came would be less painful because you wouldn't be looking back and remembering the relationship as perfect in every possible way because the entirety of the
relationship existed only in the n re limberance stage of the relationship so maybe as a strategy having been this guy's mistress for just a little bit longer if his reasons for staying in his marriage were good ones and there are sometimes good reasons why people stay married and seek
comfort or sexual release or emotional connections outside the marriage there are good reasons that people might choose to stay together and you didn't share any of the reasons that he gave if he gave you any reasons for choosing to stay in his marriage that doesn't make him particularly happy
but if you assessed them and came to the conclusion that they were pretty good and decent maybe even noble reasons for him to show his loyalty to his wife by staying married to her we can show our loyalty to our spouses with things other than our genitals over the long course of a multi-decade marriage yeah yeah maybe you could have been as mistress and I'm going on you're in your 60s yeah you can have more than one great love in your life I don't want to be ages I am almost in my
60s myself I am not throwing stones at anybody's glass house here but you're in your 60s you can have more than one great love of your life but the clock is ticking you are running out of time and if this was a great love potentially in your life maybe it's going to be a great imperfect love
maybe it's going to be a great complicated love maybe it's going to be a great love that requires concession or compromise and accommodation a workaround working around your values working around his wife so he's still out there he's still pining for you my advice would be to get back together
with him all right time for a little listener feedback first up some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage dot love says apple scruff Dan you're a sex expert who is in the know about correct anatomical terminology yet you continue
to say vagina when you should be saying vulva be the change man thank you for the reminder apple scruff I will try to do better in future says patient polyamorous I disagree with dan and nancy on the orgasm centricity of the definitions offered to the caller asking about having sex in all the
national parks if it feels like sex it is sex has been my definition forever sometimes this leads to one sex partner having had sex and the other not having had sex but such as the price of logical consistency also many people struggle with orgasms and taking the emphasis off the orgasm
can lead to more pleasurable and just more sex all right we weren't trying to offend or erase people who struggle with orgasms when we offered that definition of sex we were just doing our bit to help close the orgasm gap the problem for millions of women out there with male partners aren't
all the men placing too much emphasis on their orgasms but all the men out there doing the opposite I think everyone should go into sex assuming it's their responsibility to get their partner off but if the person you're with tells you that they can't always come or don't need to come or don't
want to come we shouldn't regard them as broken or refused to believe them when they tell us the sex that they're having where they want to have is pleasurable for them says soft dig I really enjoyed the conversation with Liz lens and have so many thoughts but the one that immediately stood
out is whether people in happy marriages are actually doing a disservice by not talking about their happy marriages I have a touch of worst case scenario disorders often goes on and I feel you's off to I do too talking about happy marriages can't feel like jinks and things but are we says
off to those of us in happy marriages sort of default allowing bad behavior to be normalized by not talking about our good marriages excellent question soft dig people complain about their marriages are common people who brag about their marriages are somehow sass perceived as overcompensating
maybe that's a script we all need to work on flipping all right for more listener feedback check out struggle session where I respond to listener and reader comments goes up almost every Thursday at savage dot love and now more listener feedback in the form of your response calls hey Dan
this is a comment for the guy who called in asking for advice about how he can make his girlfriend for a partner feel more comfortable with her pussy so that he can go down on her I thought your advice was great and I just wanted to add if she's open to it try carcass panties I have
you know experience was the same thing that this person's partner seems to be experiencing and cross-spannings were a huge game changer for me they do have to be the right cut in order for kindling us to really work when does work it's been great for me makes me feel a little bit less
exposed and the sexy lingerie gives me a total confidence boost so maybe they could give that a shot this is in response to the woman from episode nine twenty one who wants to be a dom to the men that she dates I like what Dan said about kink and exploring kink and negotiation but
I almost got a sense that this woman wants dominant energy without fully going into the kink direction and I want it to just speak to my own experience in case that's helpful I think what Dan said about female led relationship FLR might be the closest label to what you're talking about
or at least what I think you're talking about I'm a man who is a little bit more conventionally feminine in the sense that I like to be pursued I like it when the women that I'm with take charge of their pleasure I like it when my pleasure is still taken into account but it's a little bit
more receptive I like being the one who kind of takes the pleasure so to speak so I don't know if that's exactly what you're talking about but I think that's what I heard you saying and I just want you to know that there's dudes out there who like that I don't think we're the majority by
any means but I I just wanted to speak to that because it sounded like that's what you meant hi Dan this is in response to episode nine twenty one the woman living in northern europe who wants to get more comfortable with the idea for boyfriend talking another woman I wanted to share
that the way that I am comfortable with my husband talking other women is that I have this private mentality of possession which means that I know he's mine and I am loaning him out to these women for a little while I also know that he's a really good in bed and how lucky is she to have
a little taste of my husband and we're going to leave it there we've got three ways for you to get us your questions or comments for future shows you can record your question or comment at savage.love slash ask Dan or you can make a voice memo and your very own phone and email us
your question or comment to q at savage.love or you can call us on our landline and leave us a message at 206 302 206 4 the hump team wants to wish everybody a happy pride and remind everyone that there's no better time than right now when you're feeling pumped after pride to shoot and submit your
film for hump 2025 it's free to enter hump and filmmakers at hump get paid the filmmakers share a cut of every ticket sold and hump audiences award ten thousand dollars and cash prizes to their favorite films submissions to hump 2025 or do by December 6th go to humpfilmfest.com
for all the information that you need of submitting your dirty little masterpiece to the best dirty little film festival in the world follow me on instagram and threads at dan savage follow me at blue sky at dan savage and I am still at the back place at fake dan savage follow lio herrera on
instagram and threads at herrera images also check out lios sub stack lio herrera dot sub stack dot com and go pre order analog cruising his new book now the savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartoonian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth we will all be back at you next week no wait not next week we will all be back at you week after next the brand new edition of the savage love cast look for that in your feeds on july 9th thank you so much for downloading