62: Show Them the Love of Christ

Tommy Tighe 0:18 St. Therese of Lisieux once said, "The value of life does not depend upon the place we occupy, it depends upon the way we occupy that place." Welcome to the 62nd episode of St. Dymphna's Playbook, the SDP if you want to be cool, a production of the Grexly Podcast Network, my name is Tommy. I'm a cradle Catholic, a marriage and family therapist, a husband and father of five boys four on earth and one in heaven. Love you, Luke. And I'm here to fill the void of Catholic conversations about mental health because I want every single person listening to hear that you have value you have worth and you are needed, no matter what place you might be occupying in the world right now. We like to kick it off around here with a quick refresh of our notifications. It's time for St. Dymphna's Mentions. First up, I wanted to share the news about a new law that creates a nine eight hotline for mental health emergencies. Let's get the lowdown from NPR. President Trump has signed into law a bipartisan bill to create a three digit number for mental health emergencies. The FCC had already picked 988 as the number for this hotline and aims to have it up and running by July 2022. The new law paves the way to make that a reality. It provides funding and a resource boost to the capacity of local crisis centers to handle call volumes. Right now many people end up relying on 911 for these emergencies, and the cases are handled by police and hospital emergency departments. But often the person can be helped just by a conversation and we don't have to dispatch police. So I can't say enough about what a blessing this will be. When it comes into being a national crisis line number we'll do so much for our nation. It'll help save lives help keep the police out of mental health crisis situations unless it's absolutely necessary, and will really make a difference in the way we respond to mental health crises. It's always such a blessing to see good news in the mental health world and this is definitely going to be one of those blessings. Onto the next topic, physical exercise and mental health. We all know that getting our bodies moving helps our mental health but how far does it go? Six abc.com share some interesting new news. We think of exercise as being good for our physical health, but is it it's just as important for our mental health, especially now during the pandemic, it's vital to simply move more because physical activity can help lower stress, improve concentration and boost your mood. Some experts say the repetitive movements of swinging your arms or pounding the pavement can even help interrupt negative thinking. I think they mean walking, not literally pounding the pavement with our arms. You don't have to go out there and run a marathon but find something that you like. It can be brisk walking, dancing, Tai Chi, and even active gardening adults should aim for at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day, three to five days a week. But remember, you can always start slowly, maybe just for five to 10 minutes a day until you build up endurance. So I know this might go without saying but it's a really important reminder for most of us who experience mild to moderate depression or anxiety. The more we allow ourselves to be sedentary, the more our mood will dip and the more our anxiety will overwhelm us. So try and get moving as much as you can. And if you find that your depression or anxiety keep you from finding the motivation to even do that, consider that it's time to reach out for help to a therapist or to a doctor to help get yourself started. So each episode I'm going to introduce you to a saint who can help us along our journey with mental health and wellness as Catholics it's called friend requests. And today I'm here to talk a little bit about St. Charles Borromeo. Born in 1538, a descendant of nobility Charles was the third son in a family of six children. He actually received the tonsure at just 12 years old a sign of things to come and his Wikipedia shares. Charles told his father that all revenues from the family owned Abby beyond what was required to prepare him for a career in the church belong to the poor and could not be applied to secular use. He would go on to become an incredible figure in the church named a cardinal in 1560. He organized the third and last session of the Council of Trent. But in 1562, when his brother unexpectedly died, his family begged him to return to the lay state in order to have a family and keep the family name alive. It was a difficult time for Charles but through prayer, he decided to remain with his state in life and always keeping the life and death of his brother at the forefront of his mind. He converted To even more seriously to his Christian life, he died at the age of 46 and now stands before the throne of God prepared to intercede for all of us who face difficulties and continuing on with life after the death of a family member. We like to close out this part of the podcast with a prayer. Almighty God enlighten my mind to know the mysteries which your Church treasures and teaches, move my heart to love them and my will to live in accord with them. Give me the ability to teach this faith to others without pride, without ostentation, and without personal gain. Amen. And now you can't do therapy over Twitter, but I'm happy to take your tweets and help you explore a bit in the hopes of finding a light in the darkness It's time for Twitter therapy. Anonymous gets us started: Our 15 year old is experiencing gender dysphoria. I'm told to love him but he totally rejects me because I use his dead name and incorrect pronouns and won't put him on puberty blockers not even sure what love him means if it means acquiesce, I cannot do it. My husband uses his new name and pronouns. No doubt our child is suffering and we're in therapy. We just feel trapped. Alright everyone, let's join together in prayer for this family. This child facing these experiences the parent trying to discover the path God wants them to take and all individuals who are walking through a similar experience. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen. Thank you so much for sending this in anonymous. And Please be assured of our continued prayers. This is something a lot of listeners asked about. So I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. I usually like to start with this. If our children know how we feel about this idea. And if they know what the Church teaches about gender or sexuality, etc. There seems to be little point in arguing about those teachings one, because they already know it intellectually and two, because they may be presently closed off to the ideas we're talking about. So it would only serve to hurt the relationship. Instead, the best approach seems to be to show them the love Christ has for everyone no matter what. So they can see the power of true Christian love. Receiving the message of Wow, my parents loved me a lot. Even though I'm engaging in this life that they feel is off the road I should be traveling seems to say a lot more and impact the person and the future relationship in a much more positive way than badgering them with the teachings they find difficult to hear and accept at this point. It may be helpful to remember that experiencing gender dysphoria is not a sin, and is not a sign of God loving those experiencing this any less. He loves our children with an infinite love We can't even imagine. And our job as parents, even though it's so hard when our kids are heading down a path we don't understand is to show them God's love through our love for them. I think the fact that it would be hard to use a different name or pronoun is something you can bring up. It's always best to have an honest discussion about how hard it is for everyone especially focused on our feelings and making sure to use I statements so that our kids don't feel blamed right. For example, saying something like I hear what you're saying about how you prefer to be addressed. But I'm having a hard time because I feel so attached to the name you've always gone by. So I hope you can understand why it's hard for me, but I'm willing to hear where you're coming from, and I'm willing to try to meet you where you're at. I would definitely recommend continuing couples therapy if that's what you guys are doing. I think you referenced that. Because it's really good to explore where you both are at and to make sure that you're on the same page and working on communication techniques to help conversations go as smoothly as possible. And remember, we're praying for all of you. Another anonymous is up next: I've unfortunately fallen into the temptation of casual sex. This is in part due to an abusive relationship I had and haven't fully healed from I'm working on it in therapy, but I'm nervous to go to confession. Since the last time I went, the priests scolded me for having premarital sex. Do you have any advice or words of encouragement for young adult singles struggling to do the right thing in today's dating culture? Friends, let's pray for anonymous and for everyone trying to navigate dating in today's culture hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus, Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. I understand and have so much compassion for how difficult the situation is in today's culture and Please be assured of my prayers moving forward. First of all, I want to say how awesome it is that you're involved in therapy and getting into the work of finding the healing and Happiness you so deeply deserved. I hope that therapeutic process brings you peace. So your question of do I have any words of encouragement, my main thought is this, God loves you, no matter what, no matter what behaviors we may have fallen into, no matter what past trauma we may have experienced, no matter how broken we are. God loves us. God loves you. And he understands everything that you're going through. He understands that things that are behind all of our sins. And we are forgiven in the sacrament of confession, no matter what kind of scolding we get from a priest, even though it really hurts when that happens. But don't be discouraged. Don't despair. always trust and believe that even when you fall and make mistakes, and have regrets, God has a plan for you. And just the fact that you feel a desire to do better is proof of God's love and presence working in your soul. As for dating in today's world, I'm sure there are better experts on this topic than me. But I would just remember who you are a beloved child of God. And you deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated like the blessing that you truly are. And to be with a person who wants to do everything they can to help you become who God made you to be, and to help you get to heaven. A third anonymous wraps us up. I'm someone who lives in depression and is in recovery from alcohol and substance abuse. I've been seeing an individual therapist for close to a year. I'm so excited that everyone emailing is in therapy, what a great thing. And I've gotten a lot out of the work, I really like her. But over the last couple of weeks, I've started to get the unnerving feeling that she's losing patience with me. This culminated today in a session quite unlike anything we've ever had, which she suggested we end early so that I could spend some time thinking about what I wanted to get out of therapy. And whether I was really willing to make changes to address maladaptive behaviors, such as a pension for dishonesty, which we've discussed for many months, I was hurt and I felt ashamed. And I still do. I don't feel angry at her. But I also don't know what to do. I would have told you two weeks ago that I thought that I was making a lot of progress in my work with her and that my life was improving because of it. I feel very uncertain, and alone and terrified about starting over with someone new, and just don't know how I should tackle this. I want to be a good patient, and I want to make progress. Any words of advice or just your prayers would be most welcome. Let's all stop what we're doing and pray for anonymous and everyone reaching out for help and in the process of finding wellness or therapy for peaceful relationships between those seeking help and those working with them. And for clarity in our conversations around such a sensitive topic. Remember almost gracious Virgin Mary, that never wasn't known that anyone who fled to die protection, implore die help, or sought by intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this competence. I fly into the Virgin of virgins my mother, to v2, I come before the I stand sinful and sorrowful mother of the word incarnate despise not my petitions, but in a mercy. hear an answer me. Amen. First of all, I just want to say how awesome it is that you reached out for help and are engaged in getting that help through therapy, you're such a wonderful example to all of us. And you deserve to hear how strong you are. It's also great that you've been finding therapy helpful. I have a couple of thoughts here. So first, these days, it's less and less common to see a therapist for an extended period of time, therapists generally like to work more with solution focused therapy that moves along at a faster pace to address the symptoms that are causing you problems in your life right now. So I'm not saying that everyone should only do brief therapy, especially for those who have experienced trauma, longer therapy may be needed. But just thought I'd throw that idea out there that brief therapy is kind of the the rule of the land right now in the therapy world. Second, sometimes a therapist might use a therapeutic technique to help spur on progress with therapy for depression, specifically, if I've been seeing someone for a while and trying to get them moving in the right direction, but nothing really seems to be working at some point down the road. Once we've established a really good relationship, I might ask something along the lines of what does being depressed do for you? Or what benefit Do you get out of staying depressed? These might sound like abrasive kind of questions, but it's looking at something very specific. Sometimes when we're feeling depressed and saying we want to get better, but then maybe not doing the homework of therapy or not accepting and working on interventions or just not getting better. Despite all of these various coping skills being loaded into our toolbox. a therapist might try to figure out if we're stuck because of some secondary gain due to our depression. So I'm not saying this is you but it could be that this is where these kind of questions are coming from. It might seem paradoxical, but sometimes we can be reluctant to engage in therapeutic interventions even though we want to get better because We don't want to give up the things that are depression gives us attention, the ability to go on go, sorry, the ability to get out of our responsibilities and things like that. Again, that might sound like abrasive or, or like that those things aren't worth being depressed, which is obviously true. But sometimes our brain can trick us into thinking these secondary gains are worth it, you know what I mean? Again, so, like I said, I'm not saying this applies to you. But it's at least a chance for a little insight into why a therapist might ask those types of questions. Now, the best thing to do in this situation is to have an open and honest conversation with your therapist about how these questions made you feel, how you thought things were going, and how the questions being asked really made you question yourself and your progress and the therapeutic relationship you thought you'd built up, this conversation can be a beautiful part of the therapy process. And it can actually be a powerful moment in the relationship you've built. So it's worth knowing that sometimes a therapist might also use these, these really interesting paradoxical questions to spur on the exact feeling that you're having, because they think that a conversation about those feelings can be very powerful and healing for you. So therapists usually like I like to assume the best intentions of people, you know, always assume, assume good intentions, that's such a key to life. And if we assume good intentions, and your therapist then we would assume that there's some therapeutic reason behind this intervention. And it's worth it to bring it up and talk about it because that's where the healing is going to be. So stay strong, and hang in there. All right, everyone. That's it for today's episode. Remember, you can email dm or tweet your questions and situations if you'd like me to address them in the future. I'd be happy to keep you anonymous as you saw in this episode, or not, whatever you want. Be sure to check out patreon.com/Grexly to see all the great things they've got going on and support the cause. And until next time, go easy on yourselves. Take care of yourselves. And if you feel like you're in a place where you can't even bring yourself to pray. Don't worry. I'll be praying for you. And so will St Dymphna. Transcribed by https://otter.ai