I'm hugging a pillow because the work of becoming whole , walking in freedom , living out your true identity , sounds and is triumphant . The goal is lofty and it comes at a cost . You gave up your addiction and while that is a triumphant yes , it is still a loss . If you have felt it or are feeling that sting , I'm with you .
That sting or ache you might feel from time to time in your walk away from masturbation or pornography or hooking up is a sign that you may be grieving . Does that feel weird to say or does that make sense to you ? There is something both sacred and necessary to naming your grief .
As you heal , it is okay , it is expected that you might miss the distraction , the relaxation , the intensity and the high of your past behavior . Masturbating , pornography , hooking up was an easy way to escape those difficult feelings and you've lost your buffer .
Don't be surprised if guilt might come knocking real loud , even as you consider the idea of grieving the loss of your addiction . And you might think to yourself how could I feel sad about saying goodbye to masturbating when I know the shame that it brings ? Or why would I miss looking up the same porn or people to ease my loneliness when I know how it ends .
Let's ask guilt to leap . Let's ask those questions because it's okay . Grieve the loss of the search , grieve the loss of your addiction . It's part of the process . It's a good part of the process to healing . Just hear me out . Grief will show up in reaction to the intense changes taking place in your heart and in your mind and in your body .
Grief is going to show up as you're making these big changes . So be ready . What would it look like to welcome grief minus guilt ? Because it makes sense . Okay , it makes sense that the predictable nature of your unwanted sexual behavior felt comforting , that it felt safe .
Adjection is predictable and that predictability can feel comforting and safe , even when it hurts you . I know If you've done the work to discover the source behind your porn habit or your pull to casual sex . Knowing that source definitely gives you an understanding of the why and how of your addiction and how it served you .
But that can also feel sad , that can also feel painful . Your addiction no longer serves you . There is a lot of learning and understanding in this sacred process of becoming sexually whole , right , right . There's a lot Understanding and accepting this process of grieving helps recovery to be less of a mystery .
There's a lot of joy in the triumph of recovery and walking in freedom , and that joy is blessed and it's holy . There's a lot of grief in the triumph of recovery and walking in freedom . Your grief is holy , just like your joy .
Dan Allender says the tenderness of God is always present , but the human heart is never more available to God's kindness and presence than when in grief . If you feel grief well up , consider kicking guilt to the curb and instead make a seat next to you for God and allow him to be with you in it . Take time to lament and grieve .
Let's practice what good , healthy grief looks like . Read through the Psalms for some really great examples . Journal , cry it out , sit with it or pray . God , grief is filling my throat , it's gripping my chest and it's swirling in my head . Father in heaven , allow my grief to become an act of embodied surrender .
I've come to the end of how I manage my pain and I'm feeling it . I need you , god . Let me feel the depth of my sorrow , and thank you for letting me feel the depth of my sorrow and for staying next to me . I know that we've talked about Martha and Mary here before , but we're doing it again . So go into John 11 .
This is the scene where Lazarus is dead and Jesus arrives on the scene and Martha runs to Jesus with her grief and says if you had been here , my brother would not have died . And then she defends her faith and covers her . Where are you kind of anger , with knowledge of scripture , with knowledge of Jesus ?
But when Mary walks up , she starts with the same exact words if you had been here . But then she falls to the ground and cries and then Jesus weeps . This , as Kurt Thompson teaches , is an example of when grief is fully in the room , without distraction or debate or denial . That is when Jesus acts . Jesus acts when we name our grief .
There's something both sacred and necessary to naming your grief as you heal . Ask Jesus to help you name it , to weep with you and to move forward from your grief . You're blessed and holy grief .