¶ Rediscovering Sacredness After Betrayal
Welcome back to Sacred by Design . I'm so glad you're here . I'm Andrea , and today I have Anne with me , and if you are new to Sacred by Design , if you've been with us from the beginning .
I am excited about this second season because what we're doing is we're going back to help you understand where Sacred by Design came from , what it has meant to us , what it means to us , and hopefully we can convey what it could mean for you .
And so this conversation is meant for women who have experienced betrayal , and whether you are that woman or you know a woman who has experienced betrayal , we're diving into . What does it even mean ? How can you even hold words like sacred and design when you've experienced the shattering of betrayal ?
And that is a loaded intro , I feel like , but necessary right trail , and that is a loaded intro , I feel like , but necessary , right , so necessary , and thank you for allowing us to go .
Go there for betrayed women and tying in how sacred they are in the midst of been so fracturing and unbelievable and wrong , but to allow them to be seen and heard and reminded of how sacred they really are , and even the words fracture and design , right off the bat , feel so no like .
How does that even go together ? So which word , which word like sings to you when we think about these women who've experienced betrayal ? Is it sacred ? Is that the one that needs the most tending to ? Is it design ?
Oh so worthy and precious worthy , precious sacred , that their very essence is sacred . Their very personhood is honorable , and what happened to you was and reminded of your sacredness , Because that is going to be the beginning of your own personal healing in this process .
I love that reminding . I hope that this serves as a beautiful reminder for them . It's almost like you can like a turning of their face of like oh , no , no , no . Let me tell you again how sacred you are .
Yes , let this podcast be just a time to sit down and say what , what are you saying ?
Let me hear that again , because you're finding yourself probably in a very disorienting state and you , you can't even really right now , maybe even come back to your own self and so , right , like , yeah , we are , we are for you , we are here , we're going to take our time in this episode , because it's hard to even take in these words , I'm sure , yeah , if
you're finding yourself at a new discovery or you're , you've been sitting in a knowing of something for years . I am so glad you're here yeah , yeah .
So how about that woman who has been sitting with this knowledge for years ? What is the ? What does it look like to move towards sacredness , to understanding that for herself ? How does that happen ?
Can it happen ? Oh , it definitely can happen , but it comes first through a lot of tears and a lot of grief , support .
You know a good group of women co-therapists , just unpacking what they heard , what they experienced , the disruption of this attachment to their spouse , and then it was torn apart , so grieving for a long period of time , right the , the break of trust , the break of attachment to the person that they're , they're the most bonded to .
So first you grieve that and then you kind of come to your own decision to like I'm going to dive in to just my own self , like who am I to in this process ? Which is amazing , when that light bulb can go off and that that inner discovery of I matter , here I matter and I I want to rediscover myself in in all of this .
We have to . We have to slow down and talk about grief , and I know that that word is something we just would love to just plow through and keep going . But grief can be sacred .
It can be sacred and necessary to sit in it and to mourn and to cry and allow yourself to be human and sit in it and not alone you know , with a trusted friend , a trusted journal and a sacred space with Jesus too , not alone .
I feel like , for a woman who's been betrayed , loneliness would feel so big , so , so big . So , as she's , what is it ? Is she redefining ? Is she rediscovering her sacredness ? Is it ? What is the word there ?
First being reminded that it's true and friends , scriptures , time alone to to be reminded of that , to hear it , it's like , wow , I . I don't feel like I'm sacred because , um , I've been second , I've been third , I've been four , and so I don't feel sacred . so then you're , you're reminded , you're , you're breath , breathe .
This is breathed back into you , your , your body settles , your spirit settles , you're grieving , and so you're then allowing it to kind of like your heart to crack open again , to love and to be loved and to be seen and heard and understood and acknowledged that this was really wasn't the way it was supposed to be .
And so your heart cracks open and Love comes in . God's love comes in , others' love comes in , and then you can begin to imagine being sacred again , that you are sacred by design .
If there is anybody to do that . And oh gosh , you hold things , you hold space . You hold space so carefully and so honoringly . If that's even a word you do , you just do it so well .
Um , am I assuming wrong or too much when the word sacred to me feels a little gritty because they're sacred vows that were broken , there's that sacred bond that was broken , and so I feels a little gritty because they're sacred vows that were broken , there's that sacred bond that was broken , and so I feel a little defensive for her of just don't give me that
word . I don't like that word .
It's a valuable word , but it probably like we're sacred . The vows were broken . The vow to you made by your , you know , trusted partner was broken and jesus has come to repair your identity , your person , your value . Separate from that , but it's in conjunction together . I mean the repair of repairing that , repairing what's sacred , the sacredness that was broken .
So it's both and like repairing the sacred vow and restoring what was taken from you , and that's like a divineness , like a divine essence that you still have you own , you encompass it , and that's what I hope for women that have been betrayed to know that they hold in them , given to them by God .
Oh man , know that they hold in them , given to them by god that oh man , and hit pause and rewind and listen to it again and again and again yes , that is so and that you are sacred , but the vows were broken and yes , yeah , I'm kind of taking this in too , as we talk yeah , I'm very tense right now , like my ankles are crossed .
So if your guard is up , though , I mean I'm , it's not , I'm feeling it , I'm feeling on guard . Yeah , does that ? How does that ? How do you work through this ? How do you work through this ? And and ?
boy , I think , just taking both , all of us , just taking a deep breath , you know where do I feel , maybe the thump in my heart , like could this be true ? Could , could I begin to write about this ? Could I draw about this ? Could I , could I talk to somebody about this ?
Because I , I want it to be something that is experienced , because you know you , perhaps we feel so , so torn , like so , you know , I don't know , ann , is this , is this for me ? I don't . Is this for me what you're saying ? Yeah , so it needs to be processed and talked through it is for you yeah , I mean , maybe on a hike or a walk or something .
You know you work this out with god and yourself . Maybe it's , you know , I , I don't know . I'm just picturing like somebody needing like to go on a run and cry this out , yell it out yeah and then this settling comes and maybe it's easier to receive it .
¶ Reclaiming Safety and Sacredness
So now there's two different things , anne , that you're bringing up that are tricky . It's grief and anger . Yes , anger is . It is hard for women to . Is it process , is it face ? Is it name ? We ? I don't know what that is , but that comes up a lot . That comes up a lot . I mean for myself , within sessions , within friends , anger is a hard one .
It is a hard one and it's allowed . You have permission to be angry , you have space and time to be angry . You're allowed , you are allowed to be . You know emotion has the word motion in it and so you know , sometimes anger does need to , you know , to be yelled , to be experienced , to be heard , valued .
Not like that's too much , like that was okay , that's just enough . No , maybe that's not just enough .
I mean , if you're just listening , we have eyebrows going up . Oh , you can feel that . Yeah , oh , yes , you should , and don't don't quiet it down . Yes , you should feel it yeah um , what I love about design is that there's a place for it , right , so there's a , there's a design here .
There's a place for the grief , there's a place for the anger and there's a place for , I mean , for a lot of other things . What is ? Where do we reach first , as a woman who's been betrayed ? We talk about integration here at Regen , bringing your sexuality , your heart , mind , body , all together . Where should women who've been betrayed reach first ?
Well , as you were talking , I think the word safety came to my mind . That's just really what I heard .
I heard myself wanting to say you know , are you safe ?
do you feel safe ? You know , let's , let's find safety for you . Yeah .
I have learned that , in order to feel safety within your own body and your emotions , sometimes it's good to do something that tests that safety , in the sense of a ropes course or rock climbing or something that you're not used to .
That puts just enough of a risk , but that can prove to you hey , I'm still safe , my body did a good job here , my heart is really proud and you know , I just did this thing . What are some safety moves or scriptures or what is a way to achieve safety in moving towards this sacredness again ?
Well , having you know , a safe person to share with and be validated , acknowledged , seen , given . You know , of course you're feeling that way . You know being able to put boundaries up . You know being able to speak about what you need and it being received right .
Am I , am I first safe with you as I tell you my story and you , you validate that I might need to actually put in boundaries in place so that I'm safe and that I'm heard , and that my experience needs to be honored and it needs protection . You know you need to . You know , for example , like sleep separately from your spouse .
You may need to separate for a period of time so that you can re-establish your own sense of well-being . What do I need ? What do I want ? You know , help me out . You know . What else do you hear when I say am I safe ? Do I need ?
safety , just the word voice , that your voice is sacred and that may have been lost or feel quieted in the midst of betrayal .
To amplify your voice through your sacredness , by surrounding yourself with others , by finding safety , by grieving and also this your spouse that has betrayed you , that they're getting help , that they're owning the betrayal . They are walking in recovery . They are not minimizing you , they are not blaming you , they are not defending themselves . That also creates safety .
¶ Restoring Sacredness Through Recovery
As you watch somebody walk in recovery , you can take a deep breath and watch and see are they taking actions towards repairing the rupture .
You've seen this work front row ?
Yes , I have which I am so thankful that I can pass that on to women that I've seen it . I've seen I've seen couples walk in recovery , the hard work of recovery , taking it seriously and , with you know , care , rebuilding trust . I've seen it and I'm blessed by it .
Is there anything else you want to say ?
I mean , I just want every woman that's listening is just to know how valuable and precious their own essence is , their own personhood is , and how sorry I am that they're walking in this place , in this heartache and rupture , and how important their own recovery is grief , honor , safety , voice , you are sacred .
The vows were broken . I love that yeah , well , I love that . You said , it , did I say or did you say it ? I loved it , I thought it was great . It's beautiful and it's just true . It's so true , sacred by design .
My prayer is that this accompanies women who've experienced betrayal and that that grittiness , that residue , can be washed away to reveal , yes , this beautiful , true identity her inherent beauty , beauty in and of herself , and she's been that all along , mm-hmm . If we could hug you , we would . Yes , I know .
I know we would Call us Come in .
You know yes . Yeah we're here . Yeah , that's the beauty of of this work that we get to do . Is this ministry of withness , that we get to be with these women who are traveling really hard roads , holding things that they think they can't or shouldn't be talking about , and yet , and yet , what if ? What if ? It's just the beginning ?
Right , and maybe you're listening for a best friend today . You know , after you listen to the podcast , give her a call , say what do you need , need ? What's it been like ? How can I help ? Thank you , anna well , thank you , andrea this is awesome thank you thank you .