These journals represent years of communicating one-on-one with the Lord . If I were to let you flip through them which , no , you'd see a progression of gratitude and thanks to anger and frustration . And God helped me because I was sick .
A deep pain in my belly led to scans and tests and one surgery after another , and I journaled because that's pretty much all I could do . My pain , my surgeries , my recovery times , the medications I was on forced me into a fetal position on the couch . Five surgeries in ten months , 13 scars across my abdomen .
The pain that I started with was nothing compared to the pain that I was feeling after the surgeries . These surgeries were supposed to help me , but the physical pain now was compounding with growing emotional pain .
Getting a quick kiss goodbye for my kids as they headed out the door with whoever could drive them to school , because I couldn't , or nodding my head in thanks to whoever was bringing me dinner that night because I couldn't cook , or trying so hard to make my mouth form the word so I could read Good Night Moon to my baby , because I couldn't .
I felt like a ghost in my own home . I was a ghost with a heavy presence , taking up space in the house and in all of their hearts . And I could feel it . There are several of these journals where you almost can't read the handwriting . It's so shaky . Maybe it was all the anesthesia or the pain meds or my low blood pressure . That plus my feelings .
The scribbles in here may not seem like a big deal to you , but to me and to Jesus they represent our relation deepening in intimacy because of the pain . They're gold . I don't know about you , but I grew up believing in God .
I grew up going to church and for most of my life I kept God on a cloud somewhere with a white beard and Jesus on the cross and the Holy Spirit as a dove or a flame or a breeze in the pages of the New Testament . I've also known pain all my life and for so many reasons I've given pain and shame more access to my heart than Jesus .
I wonder if you do that too . Who's your closest friend ? Think of his or her name . Think of their face . Try to remember when you first met them . Was it polite and awkward , or did you just hit it off right away ? Either way , over time you learn more about each other . You got more comfortable with her .
You started telling her stuff you'd never tell anybody else and giving her space to do the same with you . It's funny how we do that , how I do that with people but not with the Lord .
I keep him at a distance , loving and honoring and showing up for Bible study , showing up for church , but friendship and intimacy with Jesus Not so much , until the surgeries . Pain ushered me to the feet of Jesus in a new way and I unloaded my anger . I shared my fear , I confided my most secret hopes and I cried . Jesus became my friend .
The time here in these pages is evidence of a building relationship that still amazes me , because it's not just me talking at God , but God responding over and over again . I was still in pain . Nothing had changed there . In fact , one of my scars was still itchy and oozy , refusing to heal . But God was next to me on the couch .
He was showing up and I scribbled it all down . He was showing up and confirming his word and , through friends , texts , and I would scribble it down .
We got to the point where I would read through my devotionals and write out the verses in them and then sit with those scriptures and wait in them and wait in them , because I was noticing how God would come for me in a chickadee singing on the deck , or beyond coincidental chocolates from a friend , or an actual nap uninterrupted by hurt .
I was looking for him . It turns out he was waiting on me , I was meeting him and he was meeting me . Do you know people who visited Jerusalem ? They all have the same reaction , the same takeaway that it brings the Bible to life for them . Walking through the towns Jesus walked through , it brings the Bible to life for them in a real way .
I've never been to Jerusalem or Galilee , but walking through pain brought the Bible to life for me . When I read Luke 22 , when Jesus says look , satan has asked to sift you like wheat , but I've prayed for you that your faith may not fail and when you turn back , strengthen your brothers and sisters .
I take the warning from my friend Jesus to look out , and I look out . I know what that sifting feels like . Do you ? I'm not even in those words , but I've prayed for you . I inhale those . Jesus is praying for me . He's praying for you . I want to encourage you to change how you see pain in your healing story .
Along your journey to healing , maybe allow pain to be a path that takes you to Jesus . Remember when I asked you to think of your closest friend . Part of what pulls you closer is the hard stuff being in it . Together , I pray . The hard stuff pulls you closer to Jesus .
He wants to cry with you , be mad with you and sit with you as you scribble all the way to peace . Run off to meet Jesus . Tell him the problem , ask him why he didn't come sooner , why he allowed that awful thing to happen , and then be prepared for a surprising response .
I can't predict what the response will be , for the very good reason that it is always always a surprise , but I do know the shape it will take , jesus . Jesus will meet your problem with some new part of God's future that can and will burst into your present time , into the mess and grief , with good news , with hope , with new possibilities .