¶ Intimacy is more than sex
, vulnerability , real authenticity , connection . On this episode of Sacred By Design , we're diving into intimacy issues . As we begin , it is important to know that intimacy is more than sex , absolutely .
This is so important because we really don't talk about it , we don't really unpack it . When I first learned about this , that there's all these different faces of intimacy , it was so encouraging to me , for myself , for my marriage , because intimacy issues in marriage are very common .
We have so many people coming to regen women who are struggling in their marriage . It often has to do with intimacy . When we say that , i don't just mean sexual intimacy .
Some aspect of intimacy . What do we mean by intimacy ? This is a great time for everybody to grab a pen and paper as we look at six different aspects . If you didn't know , here are six different aspects of intimacy . Understand that each area is important and each one is complicated .
It's really important , too , to make this point . Each couple will have different strengths and weaknesses . They may vary according to seasons . One couple , a couple , may have maybe really good at having activities and things that they do together . That's something they don't have any problem with .
They can go out , they can have fun , but they really struggle with the emotional intimacy . In another season of their marriage they may find that it's flip-flopped . Every couple is going to be unique and even your marriage is going to be unique . You're going to go in and out of some of these strengths and weaknesses .
That's good to know . Let's start with emotional intimacy .
This is a big one . It's very
¶ The definition of emotional intimacy.
foundational . We probably think oh , that's so obvious that emotional intimacy would be important in marriage , but we'd be surprised how sometimes we really don't intentionally work at that or have it . Emotional intimacy it requires a certain amount of transparency and openness . It involves connecting emotionally and vulnerability . Some of us aren't very good at that .
I'm thinking of a certain partner . What's a great way to grow an emotional intimacy kit ?
It's so foundational And we want our marriages to be a place where we have freedom to express our emotions , where we have freedom to receive another person's emotions . And it's true , as you know and I know , different people have different levels of comfort with emotional intimacy .
Some of us thrive on it , want more of it , and others are like , yeah , okay , we've talked about this for five minutes , i'm done . So we need to really understand our partners you know where they are and honor the differences , and that can be hard . We kind of just want to say why aren't you more like me ? Why can't you do this ?
But so how do we encourage each other and say let's figure out a way that this works for both of us ? How can I get my emotional needs expressed and heard And how can I honor that ? this is hard for you .
Yeah , that's good . I was just thinking for my husband . When I become too much , it's like a red flag .
Oh yeah , red flag goes up .
Yeah , yeah , yeah . And that's just a hand signal of like I'm emotionally overwhelmed . Same here .
¶ How to build emotional intimacy.
But my husband just looks at me , like you know , because I can get very intense and it's hard for him And we're learning , but we can honor each other , like he can kind of say that's enough And I can say , can we have a little bit more ?
and you just work it out And you work it through All right , so physical intimacy .
Can I give you an example of emotional intimacy that's really really helpful . It's such a simple thing , but John and Julie Gottman , who are people I highly recommend their books about marriage talk about how simple steps to build emotional intimacy turn towards one another , turn towards one another .
It seems so simple , but one of the most powerful steps in emotional intimacy is when your spouse says something like look at that beautiful bird . You don't just go , hmm , you say wow , that is beautiful . Somehow you acknowledge that they just said something that means something to them . It's called bidding , it's a bid .
So these ongoing bids , you know , or someone comes home and they really have really had a hard day and you don't jump to . You had a hard day , you know . You say , oh , okay , tell me about it .
I don't want to talk about this anymore . I'm kidding , sorry , everybody .
So , anyway , it works . It works , it's a really simple . So turn towards one another and respond to one another , rather than do nothing or turn away
¶ Physical intimacy vs. Sexual intimacy.
.
That is so simple , but so I can feel .
I'm here to tell you that it really works .
So yeah , okay , so then , gosh , and there's five more to go . Physical intimacy , but this is not , is this ?
sex . It's not sex , okay , and it's really important to separate the two .
apart from sex , having physical intimacy so important And we know this right I mean some of us more than others but the tenderness that can come from holding hands or giving each other a hug or kissing each other Hello or goodbye or you know , any kind of that physical touch , especially for people who have that as a , as a love language .
it's really important And people have different needs there . but it's good to know what is your spouse's desire for that , what's yours , and how do you make that a part of your marriage .
Okay , yeah , okay Well , but this can lead to sexual intimacy , and often it does , right , but it doesn't have to .
And I think that's a big thing to remember that physical intimacy does not have to lead to sex . It can just really be holding each other , hugging each other , kissing , and then of course it can . And you know , sexual intimacy is beautiful and it's very important and it's very unique for a married couple .
I mean , it is a beautiful shared self giving and trust , and it's not just physical , it's spiritual , it's emotional . And this can be challenging for couples , especially those of us , those of people that we know , who come here , who've had betrayal . It can be very hard to build that up again , but it's important .
You know you are sharing this exclusive kind of intimacy with just that one person And I , you know I that's really quite profound . I share this with you and no one else . This is for me and for you , and no one else .
I love we've said it here before that intimacy can be said as in to me , you see , and that is a type of intimacy , as you're saying , that we just don't share with everyone .
It's really , you know , a beautiful covenant that we say to each other . I will share this just with you . And again , you know how powerful and profound that is to share something that you don't share with anyone else . And you know it's a broken world . We have different sexual appetites .
There's often differences in a marriage between you know appetites , and that's okay , it's not bad , it's not wrong . We just have to be able to talk about it and be honest about it .
Oh , that's a good conversation starter too . A lot of these have . These could be really great kick starters for conversations with your spouse . Yes , absolutely Yeah . So what I love about this is the conversations is all here , but we're talking about intimacy , and so this leads to our next one of intellectual intimacy .
Yeah , isn't that an interesting word ?
Yeah .
Interesting concept . I do remember that my husband said this once when we were doing a sharing with some newly or engaged couples about marriage , and he said you know what be interesting ? Be interesting . I love that . So there's this idea of seek out new ideas .
If you know your partner's interested in something , listen to what they say or ask them about it , do it together . Listen to podcasts , read a book . You know both my husband and I love birds . That sounds like an old person thing . I guess it . Maybe it is , but we
¶ Recreational Intimacy.
love reading about birds and sharing with each other . That's an intellectual intimacy That's coming together with something that's interesting , that you can learn about , that you can share about . So it makes marriage more interesting because you each bring something unique . Yes , yeah , oh , that's so cool .
It's kind of fun . Intellectual intimacy . I love that . Yeah , The next issue involves fun recreational intimacy .
It really is fun . And you know we really forget that because marriage is hard . If you have children it's even harder . Children really interfere with marriage . I've said that before . It's so true . I love my children And so there can be a lot of just getting through things and you forget that you can have fun .
And so figuring out how you have fun We know a couple who just took up pickleball . They just think it's a blast or having so much fun hiking , going to museums , going to plays , going to concerts , whatever it is Just find out something that you want to do that you can enjoy together .
Okay , i love that you said that , because I know I threw my husband under the bus at the beginning of this . However , the recreational intimacy we both did wake surfing together . Never done it before . We both awful at it . But the willingness to be brave and try something new together . Awesome , i felt so connected . It's awesome . That was so fun .
Yeah , really , and you know , yeah , so be brave , be willing to try something different , and it can
¶ Spiritual Intimacy.
really be a stress reliever . And you're going through hard things and you do whether it's with your children or health or anything they're , you know , like having fun together really is a stress reliever .
Yeah .
We all need that . Oh , i love that . So let's move on to spiritual intimacy , because this is again very foundational , And what I want to say is different marriages are in different places about their understanding and commitment to God , and individuals can be in different places , but that doesn't mean you can't have a spiritual intimacy .
So , even if you're in different places , how do you talk about your commitment to God ? how do you explore having a shared exploration or commitment to God and aspects of living a spiritual life together ?
And so I think it's really you know , each marriage is unique , and so find your way to share ideas and thoughts about God and to figure out how that's gonna be a part of your marriage in some way , shape or form .
You're bringing two unique humans together . to make this marriage So unique makes a lot of sense .
And again , i mean , i really think this is where I wanna just like make a very strong encouragement Uniqueness In all of these things be aware that there's a great temptation and danger to compare . And your marriage is your marriage And you get to create it And you don't have to be like anyone else . You don't wanna be like anyone else .
You wanna be true to your marriage And it's unlike anybody else's And it's up to you and your spouse . You get to create it And so enjoy that opportunity and beware of comparing , because that only leads to disappointment . And you know how it is . You see , think on Facebook . It's a Facebook life , it's not a real life .
And when we compare our real life to Facebook life , we always come become disappointed . So be careful And enjoy and own the beauty of creating your own marriage and don't compare .
¶ Nurturing Intimacy in Relationships
Yeah , oh , i'm so glad you ended with that . Yeah , because , gosh , this is great homework to look at the emotional , physical , sexual , intellectual , recreational and spiritual intimacy . And what is your strength ? Yeah , what is your weakness ? What could ?
be better . Yeah , exactly , you can sit down and have a little date . Yeah Say , i heard this podcast . It was really interesting . What do you think are our strengths And how do we capitalize on that ? What are some areas that are maybe challenging for us that we could really work on ?
Because this exclusive commitment and connection to each other is holy , it is sacred and it is hard .
Exactly , and it's a gift And we want to nurture it . It's not just going to stay healthy on its own , it has to be nurtured and taken care of .
These are six beautiful ways to approach it . Thank you so much , kit . That's a wrap Time to stretch out your hands , take a deep breath and actually release it this time . If we've touched on something that you want to go deeper with , check out our coaching page to set up an appointment with one of us . Head to our website at RegenerationMinistriesorg .