When You're Here

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ah, there you are, traveller. Come inside, hang up your coat. put your feet by the fire and I shall bring you what you so desperately seek rude tales of magic

Previously on Rude Tales of Magic, murder most foul at the Linsingham Estate. Don't worry, our heroes cracked the case, found the murderer, and have been escorted off the property. It's late at night. Day two of their journey. Everyone's rugged, they're tired, they're worn thin, and they're still trying to find Albie's parents' house in the teenage woods. Milker, a farmhand, is leading them to the edge of the property ruggedly.

Everybody's tired. All right, so it's the end of the property here, so y'all are good to go. Thanks, Milker. Milker, before we go, I have one quick question. I fancy myself a bit of a chef. Is there any milk of yours I could take along with me to sort of, I don't know, mix into some foods? No, I'm sorry. Okay, thank you very much. So I could get a sip for the road? No, you can't get any sip. I'm boned right now. Oh.

You can try to get a sip, but it's all dust. No, not worth it. Dust would come out. A powder. Oh, is it powdered milk? I'd do that. No, it's like a bone. Oh, wait. Sorry, is this on your emotional spectrum between cold, sour, and powdered? Yeah, so it goes, there's cold. Cold is good. There's sour. Sour is bad. And then there's empty, which is emotionally it's like a neutral state. Okay. So it's normally powder. It's not normally powder. It's just when I'm empty, it's powder for a little bit.

And then my sweat turns into milk. Well, it's getting hot out here, so let's move along. Thank you so much. Isn't it nighttime? Yeah, it's nighttime. Sorry, no, I'm just covered in fur, so it's hot. Apologies. I'm always hot. I don't have nerve endings. Look at us. I don't know either way. We shouldn't be deciding the weather. It's the middle of the night, so, you know, go on your way now. Okay, thanks.

Okay, bye. I'm taking Peepus' little hand and waving goodbye to Milker. He's gone. He's turned around. Oh! Bellow! Yeah. You kept the cloak. Hell yeah. Did he even notice? No, he didn't ask for it back. He didn't say anything? I wonder if it has special powers. We never asked how it magically waves around. And it's still doing it. I guess it just has to look cool. It's still magically, like, just a little bit, just like a slight breeze.

While you walk, it's not noticeable at all. Because that's just like a cloak would move while you walk. Awesome. But if you stand perfectly still, you can tell something's up. I love it. Is Detect Magic a thing then? I could identify the spell, but I don't want to right now. The mystery is gone. I also know Detect Magic, and yeah, I don't need to.

This is beyond detect magic. I can detect magic. It's obviously magical. I don't need to. I can also identify it. I can know the specific charm on that cloak. But I don't care to know. I think it's a simple glamour. And that's what makes Mr. DeBones be the notch above the wrist. He can break down what he can and can't do in a way that makes sense for everyone. That's what I've always admired about you, Mr. DeBonesby. You are quite the teacher in your own stranger.

Actually, speaking of Mr. Bonesby, can we walk ahead for a second? Yeah. Wait, are you calling dibs? No, no, no. What's dibs? They walk ahead and... we have a private moment between these two. Yes. What is it? You look up, by the way, you look up and it's a beautiful full moon out tonight. The stars are out tonight. It is a warm.

beautiful spring night and you can't help but feel that something special is in the air. I can see what's happening. Okay. All right. I don't have a clue what's going on. Look, I just wanted to ask you a question. When we were back in that room downstairs with the body, do you remember when you did the thing where you were like, magic is happening in this room? Yeah. Right.

You said that I... That was detect magic. But then you also were able to have like a... Didn't you tell me that I'm emanating infernal magic? Yeah. Do you have any other... Do you have any information on that? Is it permanent, or could it potentially be gone? Give an intelligence roll. 19. Ooh! Yeah, you can tell that some sort of demonic presence has chosen her to...

act as its conduit. Well, from what I could tell, and what certain research has led me over the years, I would say that my best guess is that some sort of demonic presence has... chosen you. I'm a chosen one? Yes, and these arrangements don't typically work out in the long run, but in the short term you'll find yourself blessed with many a power and strength.

wonderful abilities. And in the short, when the short term turns to the long term, you'll find yourself hating the deal for the rest of your life. Oh, well, maybe though, right? Because maybe it'll just be great. Of course. Cool. So that means I have to stay in the good graces of said demonic power to continue to have the...

Very powerful magic I have? Probably that's how that works. Okay. That's usually how the demons make many deals. They love a deal. Any idea how I could, like, bind this and then not, you know? You want to get out of it? Well, I want to keep the magic and get out of it. I can't get out of the deal. I don't know that. Okay. I'm sorry. No, it's all good. Thanks for your help. Certainly. I've tried...

This feels like something special is happening, but this feels like such a mundane moment. I'm like, the stars are so gorgeous. I suppose. Oh. Maybe it's just me. His teeth chatter and the wind sort of blows through him and you hear a xylophone play on his ribs. It's like boom, boom, isn't it great to be crazy? Lovely. Oh, my shirt came open.

The wind blew through my skeleton bones. Let's just wait for everyone else to catch up here. Meanwhile, in the back, I'm like, oh my God, I think they're going to kiss. Wow, that would be crazy if someone in our room kissed. We're like five feet apart from each other. It would be really weird if someone in our group kissed another person in our group. Hey, if they're into each other, I say go for it. Wow! Albie, are you okay?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Okay. I have no problem kissing my little flip cup. I love you. That's what we're talking about, right, everyone? Mr. The Bonespear, I love you too! Let me kiss you! That was my little flip cup again. Stir fry, let them have this. Oh, right, of course, Bello. I'll make my way to the back of the line.

It doesn't have to be a line. We can just walk. As Stir Fry makes his way to the back of the line. You're for no reason walking in single file. The road is like plenty wide. As Stir Fry makes his way to the back of the line. You sort of pass under... It's dark out. There's a full moon, so there's a certain amount of light, though. But you sort of pass under shade. And as you all keep walking, Stir Fry does not emerge from the shade with you. Ugh, great.

Yeah, so problem solved. He's dead now. How far are we from your parents' house? That's a wrap on Tim, everybody. He never learned how to play. Thanks, guys. Can I take some of these sandwiches off the road? Absolutely not. Yeah, we need those. Great, so I look around and I say, wait, did we... Where's Flip Cup? yeah where is flip cup oh wait what was that what's the bird's name again stir stir walk fry stir fry oh my bird yes yeah where's your bird

I don't think we should call him your bird. That feels... He hasn't... It is stir-fry? It's stir-fry. Okay. Yes. That's right, that's right. Where is he? I don't know. I walked back under wherever that shade cover was coming. Great. You see in the shade, you see an enormous spider web. Yeah, it's gross. It's massive. It is way bigger than any spider web.

you had ever seen before. Are the threads thicker? Yes, they are quite a bit thicker. I'd say they're about finger thickness. I shadow box at it for a second because I know no one can see me. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a private moment with Spiderweb, and as you look up, you see that you're about a foot away from Stir Fry looking directly down on you. Ah!

Sir Frank can speak. He's just been caught in this web. Funny story. I'm stuck. Well, it's no fault of my own, you see. Would you mind just pulling me off? Yeah, no, sure, of course. How did you get all the way up there? I'm reaching for him, and I'm like, got a grip on his two. Yeah, can you make a strength check? Yeah. Uh, 14. Uh, okay. She's not very strong.

Yeah, that's not going to be enough. Okay. So he gets stuck, and you actually, in doing that, your hand gets stuck. The rest of you, you're not stuck up in the web, but your hand. Dealer's choice, really. It was whatever one you want. One of your hands is stuck now in the web right next to Surfry. I have dark vision. Can I see what's happening over there? You can see. They're pretty deeply. It's dark out.

obscured by shadow. You can see that they're over there, but you can't get a clear picture, really, of what's happening. Could I see any of the shadow boxing? Yeah. Nice. Okay, great. This sucks! Well, you don't know that he saw! No, no, no, I mean that I'm stuck. Oh, okay. Oh, the real thing. I hear her yell and I wander over. Okay. So you sort of, like, you amble over... You mosey over, you gamble down to the spider web.

And you see two of your friends, one completely caught in the spider web and another's hand stuck to it. Ah, Monsieur, Monsieur Bello, you found us in our little situation. Yes, we both have been stuck in the web and would not mind a bit of hope to remove ourselves from the... sticky situation, lest, of course, Madame Spider finds us too soon. I'm assuming, of course. Madame Spider?

I'm a bit nervous because I'm stuck in a web, you see. Wait. A big spider must have made this big web. Yes, Bello. Very good. Don't look at me like that. He's so smart. I get it. Yeah, I see what you're doing. I know. I have dark vision, and I'm not dumb. Are you being a jerk? Yes, he is. Sorry, as I'm talking, I'm like... I'm excited to free my friends Albie and Flipkup. what the wait wait while this is happening I am trying to like

kind of prep for a roundhouse kick so I can kick my own hand out of the web. Sure. As you are prepping for that, you feel a lot of vibrations on the web that don't appear to be coming from any source that you can visually identify.

You don't think I'm your friend? Well, not if you're being a jerk. Guys. On guys. So that was the wind-up, and here's the swing. An enormous... Just giant. We're talking like Great Dane-sized spider. No! This is my friend. It's... It's arm? Claw? I don't know what a spider has. It's leg. It's like all legs. Yeah, it's leg reaches out and sort of gets you by the throat and starts to pull you upwards. Help me! Help me! Hey, spider, you get off or I'll give you my beak!

Spit, spit, spit. I spit. I spit on the spider. Spit, spit, spit. Get out of here. Better do something. Do something. Are they in reach? Could we hear it? Could we hear this? Yeah, you can hear all of it. He's screaming now. You've spit on a spider. And you know what I'm going to say? Let's have the three of you who are next to the spider now. I'm going to have you guys roll for initiative.

I am a 22. Oh, wow. Okay. I'm a 10. Okay. 11. Great. I gasp and say, that spider's almost as big as a Great Dane. And then I draw my scimitar. Cool. Your iconic battle line. Put it on a shirt. I rolled a 21. Not natural to hit. That's fine. That hits. Three points of damage. You cut it in spider blood.

shoots out. It's pretty high pressure. No! Radioactive spider? No, not radioactive spider. You're imbued with no special properties. We're just all Spider-Men after this moment. After this encounter. It would be a pain in the ass for me to DM. It was just... Five Spider-Men. What if we're all insanely powerful characters? But racked with guilt. It's icky, but it does four damage. More than I was expecting. Don't hurt him, I say.

Are my hands free? One of your hands is free. One of them is still stuck. Oh, so I'm still attached. So I am being. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. So, okay. So I have a hand. in the web, and I also have my neck being pulled in the opposite direction by the spider. The spider's leg that was cut, released. It, like, recoiled. Oh, okay. So your neck is free. But the spider was trying to kill you, so that was what it was trying to do. Yeah.

one hand is stuck to the web, but the other hand is free to attack. So let's say my right arm is stuck in the web. I'm going to kick with the left leg. Up. Up towards a spider. Up towards a spider. Can you do an athletics check for that? Yeah, I can. Five. Oh, jeez. Okay, that doesn't work. You go to kick, and it doesn't work.

And I mean, there's no consequence. It just doesn't work. Okay. Okay. I'm going to take a bonus action. I'm going to try to cook to kick with my right leg. And in so doing, I'm trying to throw enough weight behind it that I can also. pull my arm free yeah can you do an athletics check for that as well yeah

Okay, in going to do that, you do get your hand free. You do make contact with the spider, and you're going to knock it off of the web, so the spider is no longer on its preferred terrain. Ha-cha-cha. Cool. The spider has now fallen onto the ground. Okay, so I'm like kind of aiming with my heel to like jab it in the face. Five damage total. Yeah. You can feel you like...

You fucked one of its eyes up. Yeah, I did. It's got eight eyes. Now it has seven eyes. You really got the sharp part of the heel down into one of those.

Eyes, the spider like, hisses and recoils. It's now, uh, it's stir-fry's turn. Mr. DeBonesby, come help me, please. And in the meantime, I'll take this thing apart myself. Five is what I got. Okay, that doesn't, you're going to miss. Jesus Christ. Okay, well. That's fine. You shoot a stray arrow. But the spider, what's good for you is the spider is not, there's nothing in between you and the spider right now, and the spider is not like.

Missing the spider doesn't mean you might accidentally hit somebody else. You're sort of aiming into woods. So you hit a squirrel that we'll never meet. killing it instantly. You get one experience point. We don't do experience points, but you get one experience point. Even when I miss, I get to hit.

That's me blowing on top of the... Stir-fry blowing on top of the crossbow. Okay, cool. The smoke that... There was no smoke coming from the crossbow. Of course. You just blow... Yes. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just wanted to make sure we underlined what happened. Yes. I can speak to animals. Did the squirrel have any last words? Yes. What did the squirrel say? My... Goodness. Oh boy. Profound. Oh, it was so polite. My goodness.

We'll put it on your grave. In all my ears. All right, make that one a shirt, baby. All right, you kill. Yeah, so you hear that. And that's what finally draws me into it. Oh my gosh, something must be going wrong over there. Oh. Mr. DeBonesby. Yeah. I think our friends are under attack. Oh. You guys, um, you're going to miss this round of combat so the spider goes.

And it's going to attack Albie out of revenge. You got its eye. I earned it. It doesn't totally register what happened with Sir Fry. So it's going to lunge at you and take a bite. It bites impotently at nothing. So I am going to make decisive eye contact with the spider, and I say, time to get a taste of your own medicine. Do you have talk to animals? No, I don't think so.

Oh, I do, but I'm not using that. Okay, great. I just want to make sure. Spider looks at you with, like, unknowing eyes. And I cast Entangle on it. Oh! It tastes of its own medicine. Grasping weeds and vines sprout from the ground in a 20-foot square starting from a point within range. For the duration, these plants turn the ground in the area into difficult terrain. A creature in the area, when you cast the spell, must succeed on a strength saving throw or be...

strained by the entangling plants until the spell ends. Oh, okay, so the spider's on the very edge of it. Right. That's very convenient. But what about the people in the web? They got free. They did? Yeah, I'm not free. I'm free, but he's not. Oh, yeah, stir fries.

I'm gonna get entangled. I mean, he's already entangled. I hold my hands out, and I stretch my fingers out into, like, a grasping position, and a green glowing tendril sort of... leap out from my fingers and go into the ground and then the vines rise and wrap around the spider, the leaves sprouting from the vines as they grow and wrap around.

You see the spider struggle. Flashing over to Albie and her internal monologue. What's going on here? This is so embarrassing. For a second. Okay, so when the light hits. When the light hits Bello, Albie cannot breathe. And then when the vines start entangling the spider and they're coming from Bello's hands, she's extremely jealous of the spider. Whoa, cool. Yes. Now, stir fry, meanwhile, is also becoming entangled.

So you're not only caught in a spider web from the top of you, but the bottom of you is now entangled on the ground. I am looking at Bello and then looking back at the spider and looking at me and looking at Bello and looking at me. And then I'm thinking back to him being like... You said, I'm here for a flip cup. Oh, yeah. And I'm looking. Then there's like a bell goes off my head. I go, Bella doesn't like me.

First time you've ever had that thought about it. So in order to be fully restrained, Stir Fry and the spider both have to make a strength saving throw. Okay. And they have to beat a 10. A three. The spider, luckily, is entangled. Nice. It's cool what happened. All the vines and shit grab its legs and sort of squeeze them together.

it's sort of knocking the spider off balance and knocking it over. And then the tendrils sort of, they come up and they grab the spider also. So it's not only like hogtied, but it's also restrained the top of it. And it just, it bites and bites at the air. All right, you're still in combat if you'd like to be. It is now Albie's turn. I'm going to take my bo staff from...

off my back and drive it into its face. Describe your kill of this spider. I took the bo staff off of my back and I twirled it around and then drove the blunt end of it. in kind of in the middle of the cluster of spider eyes trying to go like through the skull basically oh cool you can see in like from the gentle glow of the vines the little green glow you can see the reflection of the bow on every single

remaining eye, like right as it goes in. There is an explosion of spider blood acid, some of which goes on to the vines restraining stir fry. I'm looking back and forth at everyone right now. And I go, he isn't like me. She isn't like me. And then I try to scramble out of the vine and go, Mr. DeBonesby! Mr. DeBonesby! And I'm on the roll. I have a 16. That's enough.

Oh, it's a 15, really, but you're free. You have to kick him when he's down. He's not down! He's getting out of the vines! I pull myself out and sort of brush myself off. I look at both Bello and I go, hey. We have to stop meeting like this. And then rush out. I feel like he thinks I don't like him. Albie, I'm here. Are you okay? Hey!

As Cordelia finally gets there. I mean, this was a few seconds. We slow it down for combat. As Cordelia gets to the scene, she is suddenly... Out from the brush behind her, another spider, even larger than the one before, reaches out and is going to take a bite at Cordelia. No! Giant spider just took a bite at you and missed. Wait, can I try talking to it? You can try talking to it. If I'm speaking to animals, can I talk to a spider?

I don't know why you couldn't. It's an animal. I mean, spiders aren't insects. They're arachnids. Be it arachnids or animals. Hmm? Arachnids are animals. Tim just wanted to make sure we knew that. Yeah, he wanted to flex, but there's no. Well, spiders are actually not insects. They're arachnids. No one said insect. This isn't talk to insects. Okay. Okay, just making sure. Here we go. It's cool that you knew that. Thanks. Okay, ready? Yeah. Hey! Die! No, excuse you. Die!

Are you trying to eat us or are you just upset with us? Eat you! Oh, okay, guys, we have to run. What? What do you mean? What did he just say to you? I just, I thought there was a misunderstanding. There's not. We're food here.

Yeah, of course we're food. He's a wild animal. They want to eat. Don't of course me. You never know. He takes another, he's going to take another bite at you. Dang. And I really, I turned around to talk to everybody. He's going to do one damage to you. Ouch. On a bite, and he, he. He's got a bit of your arm in his mouth. A lot of fur, too. Oh, yeah. That's why it's only one damage. He gets more fur than me. Ouch. Okay, so I'm going to try and launch...

With my bow staff, like pole vault and kick at the spider. Okay, yeah. Can you do these moves you're describing? You're going to need to do like an acrobatics check for that. Hell yeah, that's my specialty, baby. Okay. You're gonna... This doesn't... Sounds like your specialty is comedic timing. I'll take it. So you go to pole vault over Cordelia. The pole lands right on her foot.

I'm sorry. But like thrust forward from momentum, you still fling yourself directly at her. Pushing both you and herself onto a spider screaming die at her. Oh my god. It's the spider. This is an opportunity. The spider is going to grab at Cordelia. I'm sorry. It's really funny when someone yells bellow. Yelling. The spider is going to wrap four of its legs around Cordelia, entangling her. Honey, no. Pardon? Honey, no.

I cannot be reasoned with! Am I in this, like, lock, too? Because I was on top of... Triple spoon? Oh, yeah, you're gonna be in it. You're gonna be in it, too. I'm a middle spoon. I'm going to hit it in one of the legs that's gripping onto Cordelia with my scimitar. No, you're not. Critical failure. Jesus Christ, what's happening tonight? What is going on? So you're going to take a swipe and you're going to hit Albie with the scimitar. She's right. You're on top. That's who would be hit by it.

Can you roll for damage? Also, can you fall under the pile? Yeah, please. Enough of you. Just crush it. Oh, three damage. To me? Yeah. I rolled another one, so you get three damage. You're going to hit. I'll be in the leg. You nick her pretty bad. Ow! Sorry, I'm trying to help. What's happening? I'm going to yell chill, and then I'm going to do the move that I saw Mr. DeBone's video once.

I successfully copied, which is burning hands. Cool. So I hold my hands with my thumbs touching, fingers spread, a thin sheet of flame shoots forth. So I'm, like, doing this and then just putting it behind me. Yeah, yeah, and I see what you're... So for the listeners at home, she's making... taking the, you know, the index finger and the thumb together in that, like, sort of triangle. And then she's just, like, Hendrix at Woodstock. She's just, like, right behind her head.

And then you're casting Burning Hands. Yes, exactly. Okay. It looks amazing. That's going to work. Awesome. You fucked that spider up, but good. You, like, burn its face. The face would be right there, so you burn its face. Great. Does it stop saying die? No, it's just that there's like a gurgle to the die, and I was like... Well, you did. I mean, what do you think was going to happen? You're absolutely right. Wow, you really fucked that spider up. Pretty good. It is now Albie's turn. All right.

What is my situation? So there's a Cordelia sandwich, and you and the spider are the bread. So you're on top of Cordelia facing right down into Cordelia and a spider who is wrapped around both of you. Hey, don't... Panic. I'm gonna kick the spider between your legs. Watch my junk. What? Just generally. Okay, I- okay. Watch your junk, Ably. Bello! Ably, you hit me in the- Ah! Ah! You-

Hit me in the freaking leg! Die! Die! And now you can't even get my name right? Albie, whatever. Albie, don't kick her junk. Okay, I'm not going to kick her junk. I'm not crying. Shut up. Thank you, Bella. You now can use your bonus action to kick the spider in its junk. It's a 20 to hit. You kick the spider right in its juicy stuff, and the spider screams in agony. No! No! Stop, stop, stop!

Okay. I can't hear it. Oh, yeah, that's true. Only Cordelia. You just hear a spider like... You got him. Okay, it is now Frederick Sabonesby's turn.

All right, so this entire time Frederick has had his back to this action, he's been pondering the night sky when Cordelia was like, is there something special? And he was like, hey, look at this star. Take a look and see if there's anything interesting going on with the constellations. But he hasn't seen it. and he hears the spider scream at that point and he turns around and he just goes, oh, giant spider. And he shoots a firebolt at it. Wait, wait. We're on top of it. We're on top of it.

Oh, he's already rolled. 25, Beachy. You're gonna hit everything. Huge bonus. Holy shit. You turned around, you zoned in on the spider and just... Killed all your friends. Nine damage. Okay. Surprise! Just a... thin ray of flame just right from my bony fingertip. No, it's a beam. It's a bolt. It's not like the fan. This is a more precise strike. But you are now on top of a burning spider. She already lit it.

on fire. Whatever it was, I turned around and I said, oh, a spider, and I shot it. Yeah, no, this was a cool move that we should be celebrating. Frankly, I'm upset with all of you in real life over this. Good job, Joe. However, as you do that, another, a third spider emerges from the other side of the road. You can hear, because you cast the spell, the spider screams, what's up? Ah!

Die! Die! Die! The spider didn't realize we were here and was just coming to visit its friends. It doesn't matter. If we had just run away when I untangled the first spider, we wouldn't be dealing with any of this. What are you saying?

to run away. You didn't say to do anything. I thought it was obvious. I didn't think someone was going to try and kill a defenseless wild animal. It's Durfri's turn to make a move. I see the new spider coming. I'm stuck, right? You are not entangled anymore, but you are still stuck to the web, your shoulder. But you do have the mobility to fire your crossbow and things. Yeah, I'm shooting the one that's coming. But I'm not saying much because I'm suddenly very sad. Aww.

You guys don't know this there. You guys don't know this. We're the players now. So you now roll a d20. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A two. So I want to try to get myself out of this. of this mess. So here's what happens. I'm sad. It's a lift, shoot, fail, drop, knife, up, start chopping. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm gonna...

Yeah, so you have to... Can you roll a 20? I'll do... It's a dexterity. Yeah. Eight. No, you definitely have a dexterity. Oh, plus five. Plus five. Okay, that's enough. You do manage to free yourself from the spider's web. Well... Good job, Stephen, I suppose.

Peepus, it is Peepus' turn now. Peepus, abandoned in the road. I understand you guys are being attacked by spiders. There's no judgment. But, you know, a baby is abandoned in the road. He's lived a full life. Not anymore, he hasn't. Pepis once again pees in the direction of the chaos. He's got seemingly an endless stream ready to go. All right, it is now the burning spider's turn. It's going to go to take another bite at you.

Okay, it had advantage and it misses sincerely that time. It really means it when it misses. However, the new spider that just started screaming die, die, die lunges for Bellow. Whoa, hey, dude. Do you speak? I do no speak with animals. I have not cast it. Okay, great. So you're just hearing in the terms. You're sympathetic. Right.

I'm a druid. I'm a druid. Well, we'll see because a spider is lunging for you right now. A massive giant spider is coming for you and it misses. So it sort of like takes a... Takes a bounce at you and, like, doesn't really hit. It, like, falls short. Oh, good try, bro. Its butt is in the air like a dog. And now it is. Bella, it's your turn now.

I'm just going to swing at it with my scimitar. Sure. 22. Great, you hit it. Four damage. All right. I love, love this. Just a little slash right at the face. It is now Cordelia's turn. I'm going to try and do like a classic self-defense sort of like. Punch back with my elbow. Go for it. 18 plus 5, 23. This, after it was burned twice, this is what kills it. One.

Describe your extremely anticlimactic kill of the spider. My elbow just goes straight through. But I expect it to be much harder. I didn't hit it very hard, and yet.

My elbow just goes straight into the belly, and it's pretty upsetting. The spider's last words were, I'm prognant! We are not taking all these babies with us The holidays are around the corner. I hope you all don't mind my friends, but I thought I'd give you all of you your gifts early. Oh, I don't mind at all. I'm your wife. Mando. I got you all Mando brand deodorant.

Mando was created by a doctor who saw firsthand how normal BO was being misdiagnosed and mistreated. Normal BO, do you think that we smell in a normal... In an abnormal way? You see, Mando uses mandelic acid that stops odor before it starts, and it's clinically proven 72-hour odor control. And also, is it me, Chris?

I have taken it on long camping trips when I can't shower, and I can personally attest to it lasting for 72 hours. Sorry, sorry, Chris. I just have to check in. You sat down and thought of each of us and thought, what would a thoughtful gift for each and every one of us would be? every time was deodorant. Yes, well, because Mando deodorant is safe for the whole body. Pits, packages, feet, and alley everywhere in between. Excuse me?

How dare you? Don't talk to our friend like that. Me, Ellie Fisher. Well, I'm sorry. I don't mean to single her out. All of you can surely appreciate that you can choose from three formats. Invisible spray, solid stick, and invisible cream. I'm just right. Are you saying that my back smells? Are you saying that my groin smells? I'm so excited to rub invisible cream.

all over my belly? My smelly belly? Well, I should hope so because it's available in four cologne quality scents like bourbon leather, Mount Fuji, Pro Sport, and Clover Woods. Mount Fuji? Yes! Branson it's clinically proven to control odor better than shower with soap alone 12 hours after a shower the average man's grundle odor level was a 5 out of 10

Ask me what I thought of your grundle. With Mando, the average grundle odor level is a zero out of ten. Carly, I have asked you that. Okay. I'm sorry. Quick question. I'm not putting deodorant down there. Is that a problem? Have you all been putting deodorant down there?

Yes. Tim, I've been slopping Invisible Cream down there since I was a kid. I love Mando so much, I actually bought more of it for myself after the freebies they sent me ran out. That is true. You gave us free gifts? You didn't buy us the gifts?

Mando's Starter Pack is perfect for new customers or to secure some last-minute stocking stuffers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice like mini body wash and deodorant wipes, and free shipping. As a special offer for listeners, new customers...

Get 20% off site-wide with our exclusive code. Use code RUDETAILS at ShopMando.com for 20% off site-wide and free shipping. That's S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com. And please support our show and tell them that we sent you with that code. Rude Tales. Mando's got you covered. With deodorant plus sweat control, say goodbye to sweat stains and hello to long-lasting freshness. Don't let the meat sweats get you this holiday season. Right, folks?

It does smell like Mount Fuji. Your family and friends will thank you. Hiya, folks. It's me, Branson Reese from seconds ago. You know, I'm here. I have a very exciting ad for you guys. This ad actually, it comes in from... a listener of Rude Tales of Magic. That's right. If you want to put your ad up here, you can do it. For example, here comes this one. Try harder.

is an automated video game coach for League of Legends. It analyzes all of your games with a pair of artificial intelligences and offers up personalized advice for how to get better. Unlike other coaching sites, TryHarder looks at over 1400 metrics each match and compares you to millions of other players using the same role in Champion. Don't play League of Legends? Well, try harder is a great way to learn fast. Try it out for only $9.99 per month at www.tryharder.gg.

Or check out the free blog with tier lists and posts from highly ranked coaches if you need to save money for stir fry merch. Just because you'll die for flip cup doesn't mean you need to die on the rift. We can help. Try harder. Be better. Hey, uh, folks, while I got you here, I got you as a captive audience.

You think you're not, but that little red dot on your forehead, we got snipers trained on you, so don't skip forward. I just wanted to thank a few more elf lords, and so here it goes. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to give a big old shout out to Joseph. Lachance. I gotta thank John LaBelle.

Michael McNamara, you know we're thanking him. Alex Green, of course, has been thanked by us in this moment. Steven Lazaro, that's a big thank you from the Rude Tales crew to you. Jasper Rosenberg, not so fast. We're thanking. you

That's it for this week. If you want to hear your name, think like that. Maybe become an Elf Lord. And, you know, if you're an Elf Lord and you didn't hear your name, don't worry. We're getting to you. But the show, we got to keep the show under a certain time limit. So we can't.

thank everybody all at once but we love you and we cherish you but privately for the time being we're getting to you all right i love you hundreds hundreds and hundreds of spiders just pour out of it these lucky for you are not giant spiders these are just

baby, normal-sized spiders which just sort of pour out of it. They don't appear to be interested in you. You got some spiders on you. I mean, there's no two ways about that. You're not getting out of that. But many of the spiders just sort of scatter and run away. Oh, God. Are you okay? I feel disgusted. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry I kicked between your junk. That's okay. You guys are still in combat, however, as a... There's another spider. Albie, it is your turn.

The spider, so you guys, the spider's legs sort of like... They're trying to curl. It's now in the dead position, which is the exact same position it was in anyway. But there is now no resistance as you try to push away, so you can get out of it pretty easily. There is, however, an almost entirely healthy giant spider right next to you. I grab my... bo staff because it had probably fallen to the side and I start running towards the other spider it's probably

10 feet away. Yeah, I'm going to swing at it with the broad side of the bow staff. But before I do, I look at Bella and I just give him a look like we're going to talk about this later. 22 to hit. Oh, great. You hit it. So you hit it, and this is only for Cordelia. Cordelia sees the spider sort of take in the babies, and the spider says, I'm a daddy, right as you broadside it in the head. Oh, no, don't. How much damage do you do to this new parent?

How much damage do you do to this, Daddy? You do two damage initially. Yeah, so I came at it with my bo staff sort of wheeled back like a baseball bat. Yeah, you hit it hard. I hit a cross, and then I used that momentum to do a round half. What is that kick where both legs leave? Like a helicopter kick? Yeah, it looks really cool. Great, I'll take your word for it. Thanks, yeah.

Customarily, you give a cigar, but this is hit him in the head. Love tap on daddy. He screams. He's just like, ah! And... It's now Frederick the Bonesby's turn. Another spider. I make a little mote of flame, and I flick it at the other one, turning into a firebolt. 23. You hit him. Yeah. Great. You do six damage. Oh, no. That's a nine. Sorry. Oh, boy. Okay. It is now. It is stir fry's turn. I hate this.

I've missed so many times it bums me out, so I take out my butcher's knife and then start doing a little daffy duck. jumping around to get closer to the... Sure, yeah. To get closer to the spider bite. At least Akenku is capable of this. Yeah, but it's very lackluster, so it's like... And then I'm trying to... I'm going straight towards his head with my big butcher's knife, right? Cool, yeah. And I'll roll my dice.

He goes for it, he misses. It's now Pepis' turn. Wait, I just want to do a cunning action and pick up Pepis because I'm worried about him. Okay, there we go. How cunning indeed. So I mess and I'm going, one more thing I've messed up today. Well, I know I can take care of the young. Bonus daddy. Cool, yeah, so you pick up Peepis. Daddy. Cunning daddy. Peepis, maybe you would like me. Cool, you pick up Peepis, who is, there's just like a direct stream coming from Peepis.

He takes his action now and continues pissing. I don't mind. He's just a child, you see. Is he facing you? What's the position that you have Peepus in right now? I was thinking I'd pick him up and hold him, cradle him. Okay, so there's like a stream coming directly up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Can you roll a dex save? Eight plus five. All right, that's enough. Okay, you... A stream is coming right for the face, and you get right out of the way.

Not that easily. It is now the surviving spider's turn. He's burned, and he's screaming, too. He's like, ah! He's going to go for Frederick, who seems to be the cause of the fire. He's running over in your direction. No, no, no, no, no, no. A burning spider is running towards you with all it's got. All right, it's Bello's turn. Real quick, is the spider, would you say the spider is, like, live and fit, or does he...

He's a fit spider. Okay, so he doesn't have, like, a spider dad bod. They look good. Are you checking out the spider? No, I'm just asking. I'm just trying to, like, paint the picture. Checking out that daddy. Checking out that daddy. Spiders aren't dads. They're arachnids. That's a wrap on Tim. That's a wrap on Tim. Leave the sandwiches, please. I don't think they accumulate fat either. I think this is just a spider. Cool.

I'm going to run, and as I do, I'm going to pull out my quarterstaff, my scimitar, and I'm going to attack him with my quarterstaff. And then I hit him for five damage. Okay. Oh, daddy. Hate to see it. Daddy don't like. New daddy in town. It's Cordelia's turn. And I really whacked him on the butt, I want to be clear. So you got him hard. Spanked him? Spanked daddy.

It was not a, it was, even if it was close, it was not a kill strike. It was a. Yeah. It was like a disciplinary. Yeah. Okay. And so Cordelia, you also, you hear my body. You alone, you're the only one who hears this. You're like trapped in a prison office. I'm not going to share that with anybody. I don't think they need to know. So my bow.

just hits him directly on the other butt cheek. The one that Bellow did not hit him on. So we've established that this spider has human butt cheeks. One cheek. Does it have eight butt cheeks? No, no, no, two butt cheeks. No, it's a human butt cheek. And the hue, it becomes like flesh colored at the butt. So it's like a gag butt. Cross hatching. Yeah. I love this world of fantasy so rich.

You're right. Yeah, and fucking shit comes all out of it. It, like, pours out of this, like, fleshy-ass butt. Taylor, let's take that one back and get it clean. Taylor's left the building. We all left hours ago. Taylor's face down to the East River. Voluntarily. Yeah, he walked it. His final words were my goodness. Okay, so you hit with the crossbow.

You hit Daddy. Yeah, that's a... Carly just passed around a drawing of Daddy, which we'll put up for the Patreons. Ooh, Papa's got a brand new Daddy. Daddy's got a brand new Papa. I'm trying to kill Daddy here. Daddy cannot die. You hit daddy in the ass, killing him, and you hear daddy's last words, which were, I'm pregnant! And, uh... spiders spill out of him. Wait, what? Oh no. Don't kill daddy. No, I'm the only one.

He was aware that he was claiming to be father and was father. It's fucking spiders. Who gives a shit? Hundreds of spiders pour out of him. But he was on fire, so many of the spiders die instantly. The smell is horrible. It's like a burning tire. Oh, my God. I killed a family. You killed a nation's worth of food. Jeez. Oh, my God. I'm so hungry. That's just true. Yeah, let's just go to Albie's house. I just want to be done with this. May I just say, everyone, perhaps I should apologize.

I was the one who got stuck on this web and that caused all this, well, turmoil and it seems like everyone's a little frustrated with each other. I'll s- Kill myself if that's what everyone wants. No! Okay. Mr. Brunsby, you're right. If it's what he wants. No, no one wants you to kill yourself, stir fry. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't your fault. How did you get stuck in the web? You want to know how I got stuck in the web? Yeah. Well.

It looked like a basketball hoop, but I always thought it'd be fun to be the basketball mid-swish, you know what I mean? No! I'd hate to be a basketball banked off the backboard. Ouchie mama, I would say. But to go into the swish, that'd be like taking a bath in diamonds. And so I thought, well, maybe I could see what it feels like. Oh, ouch. But smooth diamond soft ones and so and so I thought and so I thought

I would brush my elbow by and just taste for a moment what that swish would feel like to ride basketball, of course. But! Then things didn't go out in my favor at all. Turns out it was not a basketball hoop. It was a web of spider. And I not a basketball. But one who I thought was friend.

Turns out to be foe. Do you think that we're your enemy? Well, what Mr. Burnsby always told me is that the more you... I've given you... Let me quote you, Mr. Burnsby. You ought to say, I've given you the gift of speech. Now don't burden others with it. And so I think I've learned that in this case, he's right. It's been a bit of a burden on all of you.

Stir fry I was trying to help you out of the web. I'm not mad at you I'm mad at the spider and now I'm looking at bellow the spider who attacked me Just like the other two spiders attacked me. I don't normally attack spiders and she's be very performative i don't normally attack animals at all because you know oh so you admit it A drow emerges from the brush. A what? A dark elf. Whoa. I'm sorry.

All right, so a drow, a dark elf emerges. He's dressed in a rustic peasant garb. He has a large, wide-brimmed straw hat, and he has a straw sticking out of his mouth. My spiders! My beautiful spiders! What did you do to them? You gotta be kidding me. I gotta be kidding you. You gotta be kidding me. You killing my spiders and you admit to it. They attack?

They attacked us! I don't... Oh, I'm sure my spot has attacked you. I'm sure you're totally innocent. What is a drow doing above ground, anyway? Well, it's nighttime, isn't it? It won't be forever. Yeah, I'm not going to live up here. I'm just, I got some spiders I gotta move through town. It's a little faster to go up above ground when the sun's not up. Sorry, why do you have to move spiders through town? Oh, okay, the third degree here.

Okay, maybe I move some spiders above the ground. Maybe I'm working for somebody. Maybe he pay me a little bit of change. Maybe I'm in a big trouble right now because you killed my spiders. Hold up. So are you...

So you're like a... Are you saying that you're a spider rancher? Yeah, maybe that's a... You could say I'm a spider rancher. Well, then, boy, do we have a deal for you. Hundreds and hundreds of baby spiders, and we'll give them to you for a pre...

Pretty small, pretty price. Baby spiders are no good to me. I need the big stuff. I need the primo spiders. Those things take three or four months to get that big. Sorry, we tried to just leave, but they were insistent that we die, die, die. What are you...

doing out on the road at nighttime? We're adults. We can be out on the road at nighttime. I'm not saying you can't be out on the road. I'm just saying, what are you doing on the road? I'm on the road myself at nighttime. I understand. I'm just saying, I move my spiders at nighttime so that I won't hurt anybody. I'm not an evil man. WELL BEHATED US, YOU PIECE OF SHIT GIVING US A BAD TIME! WOAH! A PIECE OF SHIT!

Yes, you yell at us, your spiders tried to kill us! We were having a professional, albeit I admit, a pretty heated conversation, and you call me a piece of shit? Yes, because you shouldn't blame us for defending ourselves against spiders that tried to kill us to death, and then we... the favor of offering you so many baby spiders look at you look at you people there's five of you right now i got three spiders they're no match for you you make sure work of them i see this guy

This guy's a skeleton, he's pretty scary. Yes. Yeah, you probably messed up my spiders pretty good, didn't you? I lit a couple on fire, I did. Okay, there we go. So you can make fire and stuff. And you, you fucking...

You're going after my spider? You're saying that the spider started it? Be the bigger man. Walk away. I couldn't. I was stuck in the web. Oh, you were stuck in a web. I was stuck in the web. Okay. And I'm a piece of shit? Yes. Wait. Well, I'm a piece of shit who's going to get killed. What? Great. Problem solved for everyone. Oh, problem solved. Let's move on. Okay, so my problem solved. Not even looking at the drow anymore. Like, does not regard him at all. Oh, you make a big enemy on this day.

Yeah, sure, a drought farmer. Ooh, tough step. I'm not just a drought farmer. I have some pretty powerful friends. Yes. They're going to find out. This isn't on me. It's on you. We all know how many powerful friends farmers have. We're not in on this. Classist! Unnecessary. He is classist. You're right. If you guys are walking away, he's getting quiet. It's up to you. If you want to talk to him, if you want to walk away. We are sorry, but we...

We are going to keep going. Yeah, I'm not. Sorry. I'll catch up with you guys. I stay behind with Cordelia. I just keep walking. Where are we going? I stay behind with Cordelia, too. All right. So only Frederick walks away. Yeah, he just keeps walking away and goes, where are we going? I walk with Mr. DeBones.

We're going to Albie's house, Your Honor. Should we try calling you Your Honor? Is that nice? No, that's fine. The camera sort of slowly drifts back to Albie and Cordelia. Like a judge, you see. All right. It slowly drifts back to Albie and Cordelia who are trying to reason with this spider rancher. And Bellow. And Bellow. Sorry, I forgot you stayed back. I'm actually just counting out coupons. I'm trying to get 24 coupons out. Oh, yeah, you got a lot of spiders that are dead.

So that's what I'm working on. You kill my spider, you friend? Make fun of my profession? I'm not going to get killed now. Who's going to kill you because some spiders died? You don't know? No. Okay, maybe I move some spiders for some... Some connected people, if you know what I'm saying. No, I don't. I'm from around here. Okay, so you know the mob of the area? No, I don't know the... You don't know? What mafia? What are the mafia? It's Bad Boys United.

Are they from the teenage forest? I've never heard of them. They're not from the teenage forest, but they got people up in the teenage forest. And they're going to kill you because you lost these spiders? Yeah, I was moving some spiders for them. I'm really sorry. Oh, you're really sorry.

I am. I'm really sorry. Like I said, I'm from this area. I don't make a habit of going out into the forest I grew up in and killing the wildlife, but they attacked us. Well, these aren't spiders from the wildlife. These are from the underdog. There's no indication. There's no spray paint on them. You know how people do that with sheep? I didn't get your name. What's your name? Yeah, my name is Alopecia Castrolliotti.

Wow. Can I call you Al? Yeah, you can call me Al. Yeah, but my name is Alopecia Castrolliati. My last name's new, so I'm not used to saying it. Oh, congratulations. Thank you.

So what do you need from us? What I need from you, I either need my spiders back, which is looking like it's going to be impossible. Tough. I need you guys. Tough. Okay. Okay. That's how you talk to me. I need either my spiders back. I need you guys to pose as big spiders.

I hope that the mob don't know. They don't catch on. Maybe they just need to see the spider. I don't know what they do with the spiders. Option B. That's option B. Or option C, I need something of greater or equal value to the spiders. I guess it's option B. What? Cut to option B. How much are the spiders worth? Yeah. I don't know. The money? You want to know what I'm getting paid for it? No, I want to know what could be of equal or...

Or greater value than three giant spiders. Well, I'll tell you what. I farmed spiders in the underdog. Mm-hmm. And there was three pretty big spiders. Yes. So I'd say I'd put it about a... Six or seven hundred gold each spider. What? Whoa. The big spider, good spider. They listen to me. I have a really great idea, actually. What? Why don't you go back to your farm and get more spiders?

Oh, that's such a good idea. I wish I had thought of that. Oh, wait. The three biggest, best spiders I was bringing from my farm. Okay, so you're bringing one, two, and three. Yes, one, two, and three. Okay, go back to your farm and get... Okay, the four, five, and six spiders don't exist. Well, sounds like somebody's got a bad farm. Okay!

Okay, note taking. Maybe my farm don't have as many spiders as the other guys. Maybe I do a specialized spider that's an especially good spider. That's why I have less spiders and I'm in more high demand. My friend down the street, he got all sorts of spiders and I noticed the mafia don't come knocking to his door asking for spiders.

Ooh, I wonder why. Maybe it's because my spiders are better. Did you ever spit on the ground? Stir Fry is running back, runs a loop around them and goes back. Mr. DeBonesby told me to take a lap. Did you ever ask what the bad boys united do with the spiders? I don't ask questions of what happened with the spiders. So they might even be like...

We don't even know what we're doing here, you know? It might just be for, like, a Halloween party. It might just be for a Halloween party! But those spiders saw us and shouted die on a loop. Like, they're weaponized. They're probably hungry. I was starving to spiders.

Why were you starving the spiders? They need the spiders hungry. I'm done. I'm sorry. None of this would have happened if you weren't going to the bathroom and not watching your spiders. Oh, I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom now. Absolutely not. Oh, I thought this was Cordelia, but I guess it's not. Go to the bathroom.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, buddy. Next time, go to the bathroom and keep the spiders in your line of sight. No, if they smell the piss, they go wild with anger. It's not safe to go to the bathroom near a spider. Tie them up. Leash them. Oh, is that... Leash the spiders? Yeah. Now that's a good idea. Where were you a week ago?

Maybe I have a future in spider farming. I don't know. Yeah, you wish. Speaking of a week ago, do you know anything about Polaris University? What was it at? Okay, so that's a no. This is what we're getting. Yeah.

Alright, it was worth a shot, though. Mr. Jonesby said to do a second lap. He said two. One for me, one for you. So you're not going to help me? I don't think we're going to. You're going to just let me die. Option A is I die. Option B, you dress up like spiders. Nobody said no to that one yet. And option C, you give me something very valuable, very magical. We don't have anything.

Here's what I've got. I've got a gem that's worth 100 gold. Okay, not going to do it. It's something. It's a start, yes. And I think you should... Take it and use it as a down payment on some new spiders and do what you do, which is farm spiders. We'll be thankful that we're not also...

God, I hate to do this, but, you know, hurting you for letting your spiders attack us. Okay, so you give me a gem worth about 100 gold? You give me the cape? You don't give me the cape. Why don't you want to give him the cape?

The cape's going to sweeten the deal and make me less likely that I get exploded. Fine, you can have the cape. Okay, I get the cape, I get the gem. You got anything else that maybe sweeten the deal so I don't get killed so bad? Anything from the bird? I'm back. I've got two children. This one's peepish, not mine. Ours. And this one's flip cup. Mine. Okay, so I'll take her to the gym. Take her to the cape. And I guess I'll... I hope I don't get killed. We hope so, too.

Good night. It was a pleasure doing business with you. I just watched those spiders attack you, you fools! What the heck? That's right. I'm not a kindly drow farmer at all. We didn't think you were. Who are you? You didn't? No. You didn't fall for my ruse? Well, I didn't think you were kind. No, yeah, true. No, I tried to unload some seeds on a rube.

Okay, well I wasn't a Rube. Who are you? Ah, I'm glad you asked. Oh my goodness. What? Nothing. I'm winding up. We spent so much time talking to that guy. And now I have your gem in your cape. I haven't handed it over yet. No! Give them to me! Wait, no! Why are you serious? I need them! Let's run, let's run! No! Run! No! Who was that guy? This isn't the last story! From Carlito! Master Bandit!

All right, he can't catch up to you. Does he try? He's winded. You look back, he's like got his hands on his knees. He's like breathing deeply. Is he a drow? Yeah, he is a drow. Oh, God. Are we, like, how far, how far, I guess, I'm guessing we just keep going until we feel like we're well clear. Here beyond him.

Are we still heading in the direction of my family's house? That's up to you. Goodness. I would like to, yeah. Where are we going? We're going to my parents' house. I don't know the way. I know the way. Great. We seem to keep getting distracted. Yeah, I know. But to that point, my leg is really bugging me, and I need some healing. I cast Healing Word on Albie. Cast Flirting Word?

What was that, Cordelia? Nothing. Thank you. As you cast Healing Word, the clouds sort of part, and that beautiful full moon really... reveals itself. See, there's that moon again. That's really nice, right? Something interesting. I've always thought that the moon was brighter than the sun. Think of it. It must be a hard dress. Don't do your material. No, do not bring their bed into this. So you, um.

Just think about it. You regain three hit points. Thank you. You guys have just had a pretty long and busy day. It's probably about two in the morning. It was a real busy day. Yeah, a real busy day. You guys had a full one. You know, as I look up at the moon, I think to myself, we've had a long day indeed. In fact, I know I myself have not been in my best behavior. That's why I apologize. I would like, personally, Mr. Bensley, if you would allow, to get a little rest.

You move yourselves just a little bit far enough off the road that you wouldn't easily be detected. The woods are thick enough. You don't have to go that far off. You find a small little clearing and you set up. camp there so uh i think believe cordelia wants to start a campfire put my hands up and attempt to just create like a i'm not doing the burning hands but i'm just trying to create like a fireball and instead i cast mage hand and it basically just

like a spectral hand just hits the ground. So as it goes into the ground, you still can hear animals and you hear a worm. Just say, like, I'm one day from retirement. Oh, my God. I am a master of death. I mean, let's be real. Worm retirement is death. Oh. Mr. DeBonesby, would you do the fire? Yes, I'll do a quick fireball. Great. You guys have a nice little campfire going. It's cozy. It's not a cold night, but it does, like, it's...

It's humid out, too, and it's warm, so the nights aren't the most pleasant thing. I mean, it's a nice, cool night, but the fire doesn't change the... change the atmosphere for you guys very much other than the light is nice and it's warm and you guys feel a little bit more at home uh together in the woods right now i will not take my wig off until everyone is asleep you always take the first watch

It's because I don't have to. I take out my winter blanket and I lay it on the ground so people can say that. I bring a flip cup next to my little face and I go, I'm used. years ago and then get lost in my own world um so before when i was yelling wasn't i wasn't trying to fight with you

It was just, my feelings were hurt because I thought I did a really cool thing when I smacked that spider in the face with my bo staff. Felt like I was probably, like, very Cretus-like. And instead of thinking it was cool... you thought I was being some kind of monster or something and that just it just felt really upset and then you hit me in the leg and I thought you did that because you were mad at me so I'm sorry I yelled but that's why

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't hit you in the leg on purpose. I was trying to hit the spider that was attacking you and Cordelia. I mean, I'm, like, tough. I can handle, you know, getting hit in the leg. It's just, you know, not from a, like a, like I consider you a friend. Yeah, and I guess I was just surprised because I was like, I, you know, I know I didn't pay, you know, I wasn't the best student, but I did like.

In druid classes, they talk a lot about protecting the animals and taking care of wild things and letting them be wild. So I was trying to... deal with the spider in a way that didn't end up in us killing the spider, and then you went and killed it anyway, so I was kind of like, oh. I just thought, I thought we were in danger. And I just, you know, want to protect.

you guys. And also the vines are really beautiful. Just like the light from the vines was very beautiful. Yeah, thanks. I mean, that's just how the spell works. I've seen people cast it before, but it looked really nice. Thanks. Yeah. Look at that moon. Yeah, it's big. Do you like big things? I'm gonna go to sleep. What?

I'm just going to go to sleep. Okay, good night. Good night. I take out my bedroll. And that's when James came up to the biggest peach he ever saw. And he needed to get away from his... evil orange sponge and orange spider. So he went inside the beach. And what did he find? All right, you guys all, one by one, you slowly, you drift off to Slumberland, leaving Frederick alone with himself. Take a look.

and everyone around me, and gingerly take my giant wig off of my bony skull, carefully place it on a cape that I've laid out, and I wrap it up just... very carefully not to smoosh it. And I scratch my head. everyone, it's me, Stirfly. I can't... I can't think of a better person to emulate than Mr. DeBonesby. And my favorite thing about Mr. DeBonesby is his mastery of magical secrets. If you want to experience the magical secrets of rude tales of magic, then nothing beats becoming a patron.

Patreon.com slash Rude Tales of Magic. You'll get secret episodes, unseen pictures, and access to exclusive rude experiences like live shows or our very active Discord. That's Patreon.com slash Rude Tales of Magic. slash root tales of magic. You'll be a mini de Bonesby, my dream come true. Allie Fisher. What's up, Carla Mineta? I want to talk to you about something called Shaker and Spoon. Thank God.

It's a subscription cocktail service, and it helps you learn how to make handcrafted cocktails right at home. I would say that sounds amazing, but I know it's amazing because we had one here at Fortunate Horse, and it was fucking great. Yeah. It came with three different cocktail recipes. They were all...

developed by world-class mixologists and I buy it because they were really good and all you need to do is buy a bottle of that month's spirit if it's like gin or whiskey or whatever you get top shelf you get Whatever you want. Yeah. And you can make 12 cocktails out of one box. That's amazing. And we also tried it with mocktails and it was just as delicious. Yep. The cost for this boon is just $40 to $50 per month, plus the cost of the bottle of your spirit. So it's a really nice...

It's a perfect gift for the holiday season. Incredible, incredible price already, but you also get $20 off your first box if you go to shakerandspoon.com slash rude magic. I'm sorry, did you say shakerandspoon.com slash rude magic? I did. That's $20 off your first box. And hey, you can cancel at any time. So if you decide it's not for you, then you're wrong, but you can cancel. Perfect. Cheers. You can also give it as a gift. Bye. Bye.

All right, you all awake one by one. Frederick is first. Already a wig on. Somehow I've cleaned my clothes. Yeah, we never know. It's, like, never clear the source of it, but he's always, like, immaculate as you guys travel through the woods. All right, and a new day. It has begun. You guys can collect yourselves. When I get up, I shake, and tons of butterflies and birds just fly out of my bird. Oh, I love that. I've hopped around. I'm boiling a bunch of acorns.

A little chef's trick, you see. You boil acorns and it's kind of like coffee. Oh, I'll take some. Wait! What? I'm sorry, just bring it over when it's ready. Yes! Not done yet. Goodness. How is Peepus doing? Peepus! He was up a lot in the night. I had to change him a couple times. Peepus is out cold now. There's a big snot bubble coming out of his nose.

I pick up Peepus, and I'm sort of holding him over my shoulder. He's still asleep on. I'll be noticing. Uh-oh, new dad can tell. All right, let's go this way. How far away are we? Oh, like four or five. Four or five miles. Oh, great. We'll be there just in time for lunch. I thought we were, like, way further away. Yeah, like, yeah. Acorn water is ready. Oh, thank you. It's like coffee, except it doesn't keep you up.

Wait, sorry. It's like coffee, but it doesn't have caffeine? Exactamundo. Who drinks the acorn water? Can I just see a show of hands who drinks it? All right, both of you take one point of damage. Oh, no. Oh, no, wait. You are a good chef. He's a good chef. Yeah, okay. I'm going to take a sip of it, and then I'm like, there's no caffeine. I'm not interested. It tastes good, though, right? It doesn't taste bad. I love this. Thank you.

Thank you. You're surprised by, like, this is, uh, Stir Fry is, like, showing a part of himself that you hadn't totally seen before. You see, like, what he's good at. Oh, Stir Fry. I also sprinkled a little After Dust special...

tasty spice-o on it. Okay, so as you guys travel, Albie, can you roll an investigation check? Or just roll a wisdom check. 14. Okay, you notice as you're getting closer that something is a little off. You're now in a part of the woods that you've been to time and time again. This is not, this is...

familiar territory to you, and things seem wrong. Everything's in the right place. It's almost like you're looking at it from a different angle or something. You can't put your finger on it. Something... is upsetting you a little bit and something feels wrong. And the closer you get to your house, actually, the incrementally the...

relate, it's proportional. The closer you get, the more something feels really, really wrong and off. Wow, Albie, you must be really excited to visit your home. Um, the like hair on the back of her neck is like really bristling. Is your tail twitching? Yeah. My tail's twitching. Jesus. Um, I don't, I don't really know how to explain this, but something definitely feels really weird. Wait, I've been here, right?

Yeah, does this, does something feel weird to you? You, uh, yeah, something's up. Okay, yeah, it seems weird. I don't know. It seems a little bit off, but I can't really remember. It feels foggy. This is like the direction we usually come from, isn't it? Yeah. Normally I'm caffeinated by now, though. Maybe that's it. Something seems off. Was something in the acorn drink? There's no stimulants, but is there anything else?

There's the acorn. There's water. There's a bit of that spice I was telling you about. The afterdust? Mm-hmm. Afterdust. Spicerino. So there's meat in it. I don't think it's that. It's like... Is this... I'm a vegetarian, you have to tell me these things. Sorry, is this cremated remains? You gave them boiled acorns with stock in it? Did you like it?

Did you enjoy the taste of it? I did, but I'm a vegetarian. Well, think of it as more, if you don't like con carne, think of it as more like con pepe. Like with pepper? Exactly. Just think of it that way, but it was with me. It was with me. Just say yes or no. If you don't like it, can't I think of it as a comment? As you get, you turn a corner. This has been a few hours now. This conversation goes on. Just like debating.

like what is and what isn't con carne and con pepe. Yes. But we don't hear it. So, you know, we cut to a few hours later and, you know, the conversation ebbs and flows. You guys talk about other things, but always stir fry is bringing it back. to Concarne and Conpepe. And he's finding that all of you are, like, willing to debate and sort of go back and forth on what Concarne and what Conpepe is. But we don't hear any of that.

At the end of this conversation, though, it's sort of winding down. You turn a very familiar corner and you are home. Oh, okay. That was really... That was weird. I guess everything's fine. I was sick, a basketball hoop. Yeah. Yeah, a couple of my siblings play. Okay. Nice. I'm excited for some coffee. I turn to Cordelia. Do I look okay? They worry. Hang on. I'm just going to touch your hair a little bit. Yeah. Right. Okay. You're good. I walk up to the front door. What does it look like?

Oh, yeah, let's describe this house. Fans of The Hobbit will recall a... A little, a charming little hill with a bit of a divot almost carved into it. This is a, there is a gentle chimney coming out from the top. Although there's no smoke coming from the chimney. which makes sense. It's spring. Why would they have a fire going? There are circular pane windows. There's grass everywhere. It seems as if they just built...

this home out of like a mound and allowed grass to over the years accumulate over it. It is spring and the flowers are in bloom, meaning that this house is almost entirely like a bright pink. It's covered in flowers right now. This is the familiar springtime look of your home. You recognize it. There is a circular, sort of a bright blue painted door, which you know very well.

Okay, I open the door without knocking. Great, it is locked. Oh, okay. Do you have a key? Do you have a certain way that you like to knock? There is a welcome mat on the ground, but it's not the familiar, you don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps mat that your family has. Instead, it is a... It is simply a tasteful home. Oh, they got rid of that weird mat. Okay. That's okay. I know another way to get in. I'm assuming there's got to be like...

Another entrance. Yeah, you know, some some hidden entrances. So you're going to take them around a probably about 150, 200 feet sort of behind the house. There is a tree stump with a secret entrance. OK. So I bring them over to the secret stump entrance and then I guess I pull in a branch. However, so what it is, is the tree stump is it's sort of a.

It's a tree stump, but the top of the tree stump is sort of like a door that you can open. But you notice that there's just a bunch of stones, heavy stones on top of the door, which has never been the case before. Oh. Hmm. What's the hell to do? Can you just help me pull some of these stones off the... Maybe we should knock. No. People are in and out.

We all come and go all the time. Okay. Uh, okay. Yeah, I'll help you with the rocks. Thank you. I'll help you with the rocks. Stir fry, would you help him? Yes, sir. Ain't no good running. Okay, great. You guys all work together. You don't have to do a strength check. You pull the stones off, and Albie can now open the entrance to the door, the hatch to the secret entrance. Okay. Nice. Nice. All right.

Here we go. You open the hatch and look down to find standing water in what used to be a secret sort of underground burrow that you could use to get home. It seems to have flooded in. Oh, no. Oh, weird. Wait. It's okay. We'll just swim through. It smells bad. It's standing water. It's been sitting there for you don't know how long. Mosquito. Stinky. Maybe we won't. Wait, let's just go knock.

Okay. Okay. This is really weird, though. It's weird, but maybe they just had an issue with a flood or something. Plumbing. Yeah, it probably...

flooded and that's why they got to get rid of the map. This feeling you had been feeling on the way there is beginning to return to you. When you turned the corner and saw home, you sort of were able to push it to the back of your brain, but it's like, it's really at the edges of your thoughts now. I feel dizzy.

And I just take off and, without completing my thought, run back to the front door. Great. So this is just you. You go to the front door. It's whatever you want to do here at the front door. Okay. I knock really rapidly. Cool. It's really loud. It's sort of like a more resonant knock than you're used to hear.

Then I'd grab the handle and start prying it open. It is still locked. If you want to do a strength check or anything to try to get in. Yeah. Six. Yeah, that's not going to... Okay, now I'm going to start kicking at the door. Great, yeah. You can do... Yeah, go for it. Do another strength check at the door. Okay. Or I could use dexterity, which is much better for me. Yeah, I can see what you would do. Okay, go for, like, the handle, then, if you're going to do that. Okay. Ten.

Yeah, it's not, it's just not budging. By this point, the rest of the group is beginning to, they're closing in on you. Hey, what's going on, babe? I don't know, I don't know. I can't open the door. Do you want me to try? Yeah, please, could you just, I can't open it. Can I try it? Yeah, go for it. 20. Natural 20. Yep. Natural 20. You put your hand on the handle of the door and you pull it, just pulling it right off its hinges. I run right in.

You run into a empty home. There is no furniture. There is no art up on the wall. It does not look like it has been abandoned for a long time. It looks like it was just like sort of left in a hurry. Oh, B. Um. Where's your stuff? Uh. Albie, did your family take a lot of vacations? No, no. There's always someone here. There's always someone here. Hey, Mom! Dad!

Nothing. Hello? It would appear that the mystery of our disappearing university gets more personal. Don't be cute right now. This isn't a funny thing. Hello? You think they disappeared too, Mr. DeBonesby? I'm not allowed to think that, it seems. Oh, my God. Beatrix! Casper! Doug! There's no one named Doug! Don't pretend you don't know them! Don't pretend you know them! They're not here! You are upset and I will walk outside. Casper, Lisa...

What is this, a joke? It's not funny. They're gone. Where are they? Don't you have a sister named Lisa? A sister named Lisa? Yeah. No. Oh, okay. No, I don't know where they- I don't know where they are. They're always here. The house is always full. There's never... Rocks on the entrance. Breathe with me. Breathe with me. I can't breathe with you. I'll breathe as well. I'll demonstrate some breath. Let's go. As he's doing this...

A familiar face sort of pokes his head, cautiously pokes his head around the corner. You see your brother Casper. He looks like disheveled. He seems like horrified to see you. And Casper... looks out. Thank God! Albie? Casper, what? Okay. What the fuck? I was really worried. What are you... You're dead! What are you... What are you talking about? No, I'm not. You've been dead for two years. What? Ha ha, yes.

Quite the rude tale, indeed. That was Allie Fisher as Cordelia, Carly Monardo as Albie, Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonesby. Tim Platt as Stir Fry, Joe Lepore as Bellow, and Branson Reese as everything and everyone else. Rude Tales of Magic is produced by Taylor Moore, that fortunate horse. He sounds nice. See you next time, weary traveler, when you most desire even more. Rude Tales. of magic. That was a hate gun podcast.