The Cave and The Mistress

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ah, there you are, traveller. Come inside and hang up your coat. Put your feet by the fire, and I shall bring you what you so desperately seek. Rude tales of magic.

Previously on Rude Tales of Magic, Albie, Bellow, and Stirfry navigated the characters and chaos of the delighted wife to hunt down clues as to the whereabouts of Albie's missing family. Discovering a lead in the name of a local crime lord, Scrum Fabulous. Meanwhile, Cordelia and Frederick abandoned the crew to walk the streets where they had a disastrous and deadly encounter with the local police force.

We open on a dank cellar, somewhere in the heart of Soaking Valley. Ancient stones glisten with eerie sweat as putrid water drips down cold walls covered in moss and mold. The sound of rats spawning in stale pools of blood can be heard over the dire din of footsteps and death rattles. It's here that we find a badly wounded Cordelia. crammed into a cell designed for criminals half her size. Her poorly bandaged arm is hooked up to a makeshift life support system.

Tubes run in and out of vials and tinctures of diluted healing potions, a pale white potted houseplant, and dimly glowing liquids, all culminating in a thick hose which feeds into Cordelia's bruised arm. Will you read a little bit more? You want me to read a little more? Yeah. Okay. So you've got to see before you die a child grabbing an apple from a tree. Okay.

This is the number two site that no commoner should miss. Mm-hmm. Now, you see, I'm a commoner, so this is the list for me. Yeah, I think I am. I think I am, too. You're a commoner? I think so. Um... Are you the devil? No. Are you sure? He's like, he's wide-eyed. He's like, will not look away from you. Are you sure? I, I truly believe that the devil would know.

If they're the devil, and I don't think that I am. Maybe the greatest trick the devil ever played was on his self. Okay, I heard myself say it. You're probably not the devil. Yeah. It's just because you... I was there. You made something happen with your hand and... A black thing came out and a bunch of us died. Excuse me. Yeah, that was a mistake. I thought I was putting out the fire. You have that kind of power? I guess so. How come you making mistakes? Oh, I don't know.

Because mistakes are part of life, I guess. Yeah, I guess so. You killed me, brother. Oh, man, I'm sorry. Yeah. I have a friend who just lost her brother and it was really bad. Oh, yeah. Oh, I can... I also lost me brother. Yeah. It was really bad. I know, and I'm the monster. Yeah, you're a monster. I'm sorry. It was an accident. It wasn't intentional. I can't tell if you're lying to me or not. You seem nice. I'm not, but...

You're not nice. No, no, no, I'm not lying. Was you a monster? No. I know you're a monster. No. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't go. I'm not going anywhere. Oh, I misread your body language. I misread. Wait, what's the third one? The third one? Yeah. You gotta see a pig fall asleep. Oh. I actually saw that earlier today. You did? Spilled milk. Oh no. It spilled milk when it fell asleep? The name of the pig is spilled milk. Oh. It told you its name?

No, we named it. How do you think pigs work? I don't know. What do you think the intelligence of a pig is? Pigs are whatever you call them. I can't even picture a pig. You can't picture a pig? Oh, you've got to see that. If I could take you out of your cell, there's a pig just around the corner. Could you? No. Are you sure? We gotta keep you here. The witch hunter's coming. The witch hunter? Yeah. Oh. We gotta study you. Oh no. They're gonna cut you up. Oh. I mean, I'm sorry.

Are you? You know, it's gonna be a little accident, like how you killed me brother. Oh, it's not an accident. This sounds intentional. Eh, this one's intentional. What's your name? Pardon? Your name's Pardon? Yes. No, it's not. Yeah, me name's Pardon. It's not. I don't want to tell you me name. I know, but like, do. Draco. Yeah, me name's Draco. Is that funny to you? No, I'm gone.

I'm coughing. Yeah, me brother's name was Baco. Oh. Oh, yeah, don't laugh at that one. No. Um, Trico. Because you had a friend with you, like a pet or something. Oh. He was doing, you know, he was doing the spells. We know the spells. Are you talking about the bone man or the cat? The bone man. Is he alive? Or is he still dead? Was he ever alive? What's his deal? Which we couldn't get like a read on him. Getting a read on him is impossible.

is impossible but i think he's like animated reanimated he was doing wizard shit and we know that so that's just you know what he did just straight up illegal but gonna kill him you know that's like how that goes i mean A bunch of cops are dead. Yeah, but also... We were just going to shake you down. What? Yeah, we were going to shake you down. So who started this chain of crime? Oh, I don't know. A horse thief.

I'm sorry? A horse thief started the chain of crime. We couldn't find him. We're going to shake you guys down for the fine. Which was not a big fine, by the way. Not that you asked. No, we didn't, because we shouldn't have had to pay it. Well, you did. You know, that's how it goes. Cops rule, everyone else drools. That's what we say around here. Anyway, you killed a bunch of us, which was disproportionate. I'm sorry about Baco. You sorry about Baco? I am. Were you sorry about Marcus?

Which one was one of the other ones? Oh, no. You sorry about Little Petey? Was there a small one? Nah. He just had a rough day. Oh, he's just like small. He was really broken up about you killed his friends. Yeah. Do any of them like diners? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just going to keep an eye on you until the witch hunter gets here. I'm going to cut you open and see what makes you tick. Because you didn't do wizard shit. You did other shit. I know.

Would you read me something else? Yeah. Okay. So, uh, what do you want? There's a paperback over there. You want me to pick up a paperback? Yeah. Yeah, let me just pick up a paperback and start reading some prose to you. It's, um, Charlotte's Web. Charlotte's Web? I can see it. It's right over there. Somebody left it. Oh, Charlotte's Web, about the woman who lies so much. She gets a web of lies, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

It's very steamy. Chapter one. Charlotte was in a bit of a pickle. And the truth wasn't gonna cut it. Oh my god. As he begins to read, you look up and you see your cat. There's sort of a window to the cell and your cat is sort of hanging out in the cell. Not in the cell, but in the window to the cell. I wave at the cat.

He looks up to see the cat that you waved at. What's that cat doing there? That's my friend. Your little friend? Well, no, I don't do friend, but that's the cat that I hang out with. Get it out of here. It's not in here. It's at the window. Draco.

What's going on? I'm mad at you. I have every right to be. What's going on? You're right. You're right. I think I've been pretty reasonable with you. Can you just tell me what's going on? Literally the only thing I need to do, I need to keep you alive so we can cut you open. Okay.

Everything else from that is a bonus. I'll tell you what's going on with Charlotte. Okay, good. Charlotte. She over-exaggerated her own abilities, right? Of course she did. Charlotte said that she had job experience. She didn't. Anyway, you see the cat is like trying to signal you with its tail. It telepathically speaks to you. Okay, there it is. That's helpful. You also can initiate this link with the cat as well. I'm not sure that she knows she can do that.

Well, now you are. Now that you've been told the cat has done it. What seems to be the trouble, sugar? He screams, too. Draco screams. What's going on? Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. Scary moment. No, I just can't believe Charlotte lied on her resume. Oh, yeah, you're not supposed to do that. Right? So what Charlotte did was she, when they had to contact her old boss, she had to get a friend to pretend to be the old boss. Then the cat again is going to try to...

You getting read a story? I am. I'm sorry. Junior? Yes. I... You could say things other than how you rely on the kindness of strangers. Well, I have always relied on the kindness of strangers. I know. I can say whatever I want. Amazing. Fresh. We could work on that. Yeah. Hey, can you get me out of here?

I can try. What do you want me to do? I could use a healing potion and a... Okay, well, you're hooked up to a healing potion. Look at that arm. You see, you're hooked up to a healing potion IV. Okay, okay, okay. Cool. So check. There you go. Thank you, Junior. Oh, sassy. Did you do that? No. Okay. But I didn't stop them. Thank you for not stopping them from keeping me alive. Okay, well. You are a little imp. I'm a lot.

Okay. You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps. Is here just my life? The cat body I'm in. Oh. Ooh. Hmm. That's fun. This used to be a different cat. Oh, are you sure? The soul was ripped from its body when I came in here. Everything comes with a cost. What do you want? Oh, God, I can't. I'm going to shake that up. I'm going to think about that later. I wouldn't linger there.

Um, will you come sneak in here and see if you can find a key? You want a key? Or can you open up doors? I can't open up doors. I'm a cat. If any cat can open up doors, that'd be chaos. Cats can do anything. No, cats can do a lot, but if cats can open doors. They do that thing with their paws where they like shove it under the door and then like pull it. You want me to do that?

With the jail cell door? No, if cats could open doors, society would be structured different. You're right. I can go look for a key for you. I can get your friends here too. Can I ask you a question? Yes. Are you from the bottom half of the world? It depends on how you got the world laid out. Okay. I'm telling you I'm from hell. Okay. I just met the South. I have no need to be coy about it. We're friends. I'm from hell. No, I just met the South.

Oh, the South? Yeah. It works different in Cordelia. Okay. I think you get to accent some sort of scattershot here. They sure are. Okay. Well, you know, that's a note for somebody else. Not me, though. It's just you. That's right. Okay. What do you want? You want me to get a key for you? Yeah, can you see if you can get... Why am I coughing in my head?

I don't know. You're pretty fucked up. It's bad if you're thinking about coughing. I'm not coughing out loud right now. Maybe you wouldn't be coughing in real life so much if you weren't coughing in your head. Goodness. Maybe you're psychosomatic. Am I fine? I just sit up and try and pull the healing thing out. Okay. Hurts really bad. I'm going to have you roll a d6. Oh, fuck. Six. All right, you take six damage. Fuck me. You ripped a healing potion out of your arm. There's blood everywhere.

Draco stands, what are you doing? Oh, you're trying to die so the Witcher can't cut you up. He like jams the healing potion back into your arm. No one's dying on my watch unless I want them to. Well, what do you do? You ripped the RV out of your arm. I did. Of course, wouldn't you try and escape? You'd clearly value life because you're upset about Bako. Yeah. So you understand, I'm trying to escape, yes, but I won't anymore because I'm really hurt. Yeah, don't do that. Then fuck you up.

I basically ripped my arm off. The cat sort of... communicates with you again. Now, I wouldn't... God, he screams. What's going on? I'm sorry, I just remembered Charlotte. Oh, yeah, because she lied on her resume, right? That's insane. Okay, so, her friend, the boss called her friend and her...

friend had to be like, oh, yeah, Charlotte worked here. The problem is Charlotte hadn't been in touch with her friend beforehand. Charlotte's not the most responsible character in fiction. She'll have to be. Well, she should be. You know, this is sort of a moral...

Anyway, the cat talks to you again. All right, I'm going to talk to you again. Don't freak out. I could try to find you a key. Yeah, why haven't you yet? Well, because I don't think it's a good plan. I have my own opinions. Then tell me your plan, baby. I think I should get your friends.

Get them here. Get them to break you out. Oh, well, I think they're busy, though. What are they busy doing? I don't know. You don't know? Well, look at you. This is very polite of you, but I think they should come get you. I think Albie might come, but... I don't know. It's like she's on her own mission, you know? No, it's just fine, man. You're in trouble. Let her come get you. So is her family. So what? Aren't you family? I don't know.

Well, it's only one way to find out. So you're going to leave me? I'm not going to leave you. What if this witch hunter person shows up? Well, they better come back. Okay. I just need your permission. I can't do a whole lot without your permission. Okay. And you'll come back? I'll come back. Even if they don't come? I'll come. I'll warn them if they're like, we're not into it, we're not feeling. I'll come tell you. What happens to you if I die? What?

What happens to you if I die? I just become a bodega cat in the other side again. Oh, nice. Yeah. That's fun. Okay. Okay, go. Okay. But if you see a key on the way, just... get it and turn around I mean look I'll keep my eyes peeled for keys that couldn't hurt to find sure thing okay I'm gonna go get your friends and then as he leaves you hear Draco and that's when Charlotte knew She was in some deep shit.

Morning breaks at the Delighted Wife. Albie, Bellow, and Stir Fry, they all awake with the dawn. They're two of their friends, Frederick de Bonesby and Cordelia. no less name given, had gone missing the previous day. After some searching for them, they finally turned in again at the delighted wife, and they are woken up by the dawn breaking in through the window.

Okay, it's time to go. Can we go? Yes, okay, if it's time to go, let's go. Oh, what? Sorry, just... I can't even believe you were able to fall asleep. We only slept for like, it feels like we only slept for like two hours, right? That was two hours that we weren't out there looking for Cordelia. Yes, and two hours we weren't looking for Mr. DeBonesby. Listen, I know you guys are really freaking out about this, because... I'm not freaking out! I'm not freaking out!

None of us is freaking out right now. No, we're freaking out. We have a healthy amount of... We're normal and you are strange. Yes. There's a knock at the door. Pound, pound, pound, pound, pound. Indecent. I don't give a fuck, motherfucker. Open the door. It's breakfast. Time! Albie, like, makes a huge production of walking over the door and opens it. A familiar halfling stands at the door, rosy-cheeked with strawberry blonde curls. It's Pipsy Pepsi, folks. Behind him stands...

strong Pepsi who has two wooden planks. His head and his hands are in like stocks basically and he has a sign around him that says failed to bring breakfast. Strong Pepsi stands behind. Pipsy Pepsi, his head is downcast, and Pipsy Pepsi says, Let's go, motherfuckers! Breakfast is ready! What is it with you guys and breakfast? We love to serve breakfast! It's the duty of the Pepsi brothers to serve breakfast!

Yeah, what is it? Yeah, I saw my fat dick when I went to sleep! I looked out, I couldn't miss a thing! Pipsy, you... I haven't seen my toes since puberty, motherfucker! Oh my god, I like this guy. This guy gets it. I'm quite distraught, but I like you. Jack and Jill went up a hill to suck my righteous cock! Yes, Pipsy! What? We're not going to do this. Because it blocks the view of your toes? Yeah!

That's the idea. Fine, I'm gonna just, I just, let's just eat breakfast. Yeah, all right. Yes, we should eat breakfast. Unless Bello's not ready. I'll give you guys a minute. Thank you. Yeah, you guys earned a little bit of respect for that bar fight yesterday. Oh, thanks. I actually started that. Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, badass. Yeah. Did you kill anybody? I could have. That's a no. That's a strong no.

No, you would have said yes! I didn't do a follow-up after. Oh, you didn't do a follow-up after? You didn't kill anybody! Speaking of strong, are you okay, bro? I failed to bring breakfast. To whom? To Skeleton. What happened? Did you follow them? Yeah, I followed them out into the street. Where did they go? He told me to go home. But where did they go? Away. Why didn't you say this before? What, because you didn't ask?

Wait, I'm sorry. What direction did, um... What direction did Mr. DeBones be going? I'm not so much like a left and right guy. Right, okay, just, well, can you just lead... Can you point... If we walk outside, will you point to where he went? I'm not allowed to go outside anymore.

Because I didn't bring breakfast, I lost my going-out-side privileges. Could you, like, draw a little map? He can't draw, motherfucker! Why? I don't know. You can fucking ask him. I shouldn't have spoken for him. Hey, Strong? Yeah? Why can't you draw?

Too dumb. Oh, strong. Yeah. You gotta believe in yourself. No. You know, this reminds me of a friend of mine who I recently tried to potty train. Hey, Bello. Yeah? Can we, like, get this show on the road? All right, if you guys need a minute to get ready, I'm gonna close the door.

Thank you. Maybe a little bit of privacy. You've earned that. Thanks, Pipsy. Yeah. Thank you, Pipsy. Thank you, Pipsy. I'll fucking kill you one day. Okay, there we go. Yeah. That's the kind of language I respond to. I thought it might be. Hey, fuck you. I'll slit your throat, my boy. Hey, fuck off!

That's my throat! I need that! Fuck off. I'm not kidding! Oh boy, I'm gonna wipe my ass with your skull one day! Yeah, I like it too, the way my skull feels with all your ass shit on it. Whoa! I don't know how to... All right, don't have time. It's a busy day. Slams the door. Star Fry. He brings out the bad in me. I kind of like it. Wow. On the other side of the door, we briefly, we see Strong talking to Pipsy.

Whoa, strong. What's going on with you and that guy? And Pipsy says, Ah, he brings out the Batman. I kind of like it. Now I go back. I ship it. All right, well, I'm ready. Okay, good. Bella, you're wearing fewer clothes now. Well, I mean, I was sleeping. I can put on a shirt. No, don't. You see in your window there is a very old cat with a sort of a tuxedo coat.

Sitting in the windowsill. It sort of pushed open the window. I quite like the view. Shoo, get away, cat. Okay, so Albie, the hair on the back of your neck stands up because you can smell on this cat the scent. of your best friend in the world, Cordelia. I don't know if it's a combination of your monk sense or your wild nature or the fact that, you know, she's a Sasquatch in a jean jacket who never changes it. But you can smell Cordelia on this cat.

Wait, Bella, wait, wait, wait. Huh? Hey, hey, do you know my friend? Cordelia? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, I would have told you that. Oh, I guess I jumped the gun. No, that's fine. That's kind of a thing I do. No, you can give a whiff. Go ahead, take it in. Fresh. What is she, by the way? Cordelia? Yeah. Am I looking at a gorilla there? Am I looking at a bear? She's a Sasquatch. She's 35. She's 35. And a Sasquatch. 35-year-old Sasquatch. Yes. Junior, what did you get yourself into?

Is that your name? Are you Junior? Yes, she gave me the name Junior. My real name is unpronounceable. Okay. Can we hear it? Pardon? He just told us. But can we hear the unpronounceable name? Oh, sure. By the beak of my nose. Quite the name. Anyway, Cordelia is a...

She's indisposed at the moment. Where is she? She's in jail. She's quite in jail. In jail? She's as arrested as you can be. Well, where's the jail from here? We gotta go find her. You can't just walk into the jail. What's she in for? Murder. Oh, that's the wrong Cordelia. Then our Cordelia is very kind and respectful and nice. Is she? Because the Cordelia I'm thinking of is pretty kind, pretty respectful.

Pretty nice. Also seems to have no control over her magic. Maybe killed six cops. That sounds like our Cordelia. No, I know we're talking about the same Cordelia. It's a Sasquatch. Come on. By any chance, did you also see a... Mr. DeBonesby. Oh, the skeleton? Yes, the skeleton, Mr. DeBonesby. I stole a glance. Where is he? He's in jail, too. Oh, Mr. DeBonesby. Now he would get in jail. He's a nasty man. Are they friends now?

What? Are they friends now? What? Why are they hanging out? It's good. Wait, why is this a problem for you? It's good that they're together. It's not a problem. I'm not just... It's just I'm noticing. Okay, seems like I walked into something. You guys got to go to jail, right? You going to get my friend out of jail? Yes, we have to find her. Okay, great, because I'm loving not living in... I've said too much. First word, you have to go to breakfast.

Okay, can we do a dine and dash? Seriously, I have very little patience for this whole exercise. I'm just worried about what will happen to Strong if we don't enjoy this breakfast. Why do you care about Strong? We should be caring about Cordelia. Well, we know where she is now.

Why? Cordelia's in jail. We have to go. We have to get her. And they're going to do an autopsy. What do you mean they're going to do an autopsy? So you know how when somebody's dead, you cut them up? Uh-huh. Trying to figure out what's going on in there? Uh-huh.

where she gave the cops quite a confusing moment. They called the witch hunter in. Who is the witch hunter? Oh, you don't want to know. Okay, well we have- I mean, the name is this, you know, you can guess who the witch hunter is. A hunter of witches. Yeah. What are they going to do to Mr. DeBonesby? I do not know. Might as well go in there and get him though, right? Okay. If that sweetens it, go get Mr. DeBonesby. I do not care. Junior, we're going. Are you coming with us? Oh, no. No? No.

What? Okay. It hurts me to be away from Cordelia too long. Me too. Oh, yours is sweet. Mine's mechanical. So... You guys can, uh, here's the thing. There's two ways to get into jail. Okay. You can go in the normal way. That's the way Cordelia and the skeleton man went in. So you can make the crime be taken. You can commit some crimes. You can go to jail. Or you can always use the sewers.

What about a just visiting? You know, like a... A just visiting? Yeah, like a... Tell us about the sewers. You are from a different city than this one. They do not have visiting. You want to go to the sewers? Tell us about it.

Uh, it's a nasty place. Full of nasty freaks. Well, it seems like perfect for the likes of us. We can be pretty rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Rancid ourselves. Ooh, you are excited by yourself. I don't know. I like to get nasty. No, it's fine to be. You can be a nasty boy. Can I say it again? Yeah. Rancid ourselves. Stir fry. I mean, I know you're sort of like. leaning into it right now, but it does seem in like the past 18 hours you've been away from DeBonesby, you have mellowed a little. No, I'm not mellow. I'm... Okay, so I'm gonna get out of here. So...

The thing about the sewers is every toilet leads there. Thank you. You're very welcome. Do you need anything else? Tell Cordelia I love her and I'm coming for her. Um, I do have a question. Yes. So toilets, every toilet leaves there. Yeah, every toilet does. It's just that- Any John will do. They're usually pretty small holes compared to a person. Oh. Do we need to shrink? Do we need to shrink? I didn't think of that. I guess you could potentially shrink down and go into a toilet.

You could do that. There are other ways in. I'm not thinking of any. Okay. I've said a lot. I want you guys to go to jail. You could get arrested. You could shrink yourself down and go into the toilet that way. Or you could maybe find a bigger hole that leads into the sewers. Let's find a bigger hole that leads me to the sewage. Yeah, I'm definitely on the team of bigger holes. Shrinking, yes. Oh, big holes. All right, this is team big holes.

The Big Hole Boys. There we go. I'm sure this will ping me later is a thing I shouldn't have said, but for now. The Big Hole Boys? Hope it doesn't catch on. It's the name for the group. All right. I'm off. And remember. I have always relied on the kindness of strangers. I give you a pat. Oh, do not ever touch me again. I did not like that. I'm sorry. It's okay, but don't do it again. Okay. So, I guess we'll go...

Find the sewer. We should probably get breakfast first. Yes, absolutely. Just to make sure that the others don't get hurt. And, well, did you really mean what you said? You think I'm different than Mr. DeBonesby? I've been saying this. to you for like days now that he's not a good influence on you yeah and then right before we all went to sleep you sang us that little song

Well, don't tell him that. I felt like in the moment it made sense to signal it to us. Door swings open. Chop, chop, motherfuckers! Okay, okay, okay. You lay down the stairs. You have a relatively uneventful... You can tell the mood of the dining hall. It's a little less chilly than it was yesterday. You've earned a little bit of respect. Fighting works a little bit like currency.

in The Delighted Wife. And somebody, one of the three sisters that were there earlier, the half-orc sister, she smacks Stir Fry on the back really hard. And she does a, hey, go get them, tiger. Today's waffles are really good. Yeah, you guys are just eating breakfast and enjoying yourselves. Breakfast is good. Strong seems especially happy that you guys are eating breakfast. Roll for breakfast. Everyone roll a 20. Oh, boy. Do I add any modifiers to my breakfast roll?

Do you have a Hungry Boy score? Yeah, yeah. Actually, a plus three. Okay, great. Yeah, add three to that. I rolled a two, which kind of makes sense. Ooh, yeah, you got a bad breakfast. I had an 18. Stir fry, you have a breakfast to remember. Everything. Everything here is covered in meat. I got an eight. Okay. You have a medium breakfast. I mean, it's like Goldilocks here. We got this too hot, too cold. But stir fry, yours is just right. Belo?

Yeah. You want some mimosas? Yeah. Can we have some mimosas over here, please? Somebody say they want some mimosas. My man, the Pepsi. It's me, Senator Pepsi. Hello, Senator. How are you doing today? I'm doing very well on this fine morning. I heard that somebody said they wanted mimosas. I must extend an apology that we did not have the mimosas for you ready to go. Oh, it's no trouble. Well, you say that it's no trouble, but to me it's a little bit of trouble.

Hey, I know how you could... How could I do what? I would love to hear you finish that sentence. I love the beginning of it. I know I'm going to love the middle of it and the end especially. I am excited for... Oh, okay. Um...

Now, I fear that you must have lost your trail of thought because of what I was saying. Here I go. As soon as I have a moment. So you're ready to go. I am ready to go. Well, I warmed you up. So if this is a good sentence, I must take a little bit of credit. Elby, you can do it. Thanks. If I wanted to hail Polaris in like a big way.

Ah, if you wanted to use the bathroom. Yes, where? He looks at Stir Fry with that for sort of no reason. Stir Fry, no, he's not. I see that Stir Fry knows that Polaris is the god, he looks at Bella, of going to the bathroom. Sure is. And also, I know it. Well, of course you do, because you are the one to make the reference. I am proud of myself for knowing the reference to that very popular minor god of this world. Yep. Where...

Where is the plumbing in this place? I must applaud you for your discrepancy. You did not just say, where's your John? Where's the head? Where's the can? Oh, there's so many ways I could have said it, but I said it the way I did, and I'd love an answer. Well, and I love the way you said it. I think I'm going to have to actually introduce that to my own vernacular, because as you understand, when I'm talking to the customers, the customers are e-

eating food! And, you know, I'll tell them, I'll say the bathroom is that way, and now they'll picture in a bathroom, but when I say you hail Polaris, that's fun. Yes, so perhaps more specifically than just... bathroom I would love to know where you Albie is completely thrown by this guy I would love to know where you keep like where the like the pipes go

Where the pipes go? Yeah. Now, this is a curious question. I never have investigated it myself. Well, let me just say, Santa, you see, our good friend Albie here, when she goes to the bathroom, she goes to the bathroom. Well said! And I would add that... My brother, Bukkake, when he goes to the bathroom, it is a tragedy. A national tragedy.

We do not like when he does it. He does it as seldom as possible, but every time he does, it's like the inverse of a holiday. Well, that's one fantastic to know. I think what we want to know is the biggest place to drop our load. Well, drop your load is a slightly different thing. Now when you say drop your load, are you in an amorous mood?

What? Now, there's certainly no judgments here, but I do fear that you are in the wrong establishment. If you're looking for a bordello of some sort... No, no, we're not looking for... We're not looking for... But I hear all this wild talk of dropping loads. He didn't mean it that way. Surfer, are you... He just meant, he just meant, like, if not a- Are you warmed up?

If not pipes, then maybe a well? A well? Now, that's an interesting question. Unfortunately, we do not have a well. What we do have are bathrooms of three sizes. We have bathrooms for the small, and I must admit, I myself use this bathroom. Oh, okay.

When you're in there, you know your family. We have bathrooms for the medium. This is for most medium-sized creatures, which I would include all of you in. Oh, thanks. And we have bathrooms for the large. Well, after this... Now, let me tell you this. Bukkake, although he is a small creature...

must legally use the bathroom for the large. And the less said about it, the better. Well, then I suppose I will have to go and discover it for mine and self. And you have my blessing. Thank you. I wish you good travels to the big boy bathroom. Thank you.

I'm a big boy. Senator. Next answer. I hope I can provide it for you. Where can we go to get shrunk? Albie is pushing away from the table and looking at it. Now, if you want to get shrunk, there's probably two schools to fly. Can I get a little bit of a chalk wipe? Oh, wait. Mosa. please. Oh, dear. Where are my manners? I assume you guys are walking away from Senator Pepsi. Okay, great. I'm spent with him. So you guys walk over to the big boy bathroom. Thank you.

Okay. It's the bathroom. It's down the end of the hall. There are three doors. There's a small door, a normal-sized door, and a big sort of barn-style door. Albie pushes the large door open. Okay, cool. You walk in, there's a giant hole in the ground. It smells absolutely disgusting in this room. Okay. There is a little sign up on the wall that says, please be considerate. And use the spray. There's a little spray on a table. Albie pinches her nose closed. For Cornelia! And hops into the hole.

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Listen, me, Chris, I have taken it on long camping trips when I can't shower, and I can personally attest to it lasting for 72 hours. Sorry, sorry, Chris. I just have to check in. You, like, sat down and thought of each of us and thought, what would a thoughtful gift for each and every... one of us would be and your answer every time was deodorant yes well because mando deodorant is safe for the whole body pits packages feet and alley everywhere in between

Excuse me? How dare you? Don't talk to our friend like that. Me, Ellie Fisher. Well, I'm sorry. I don't mean to single her out. All of you can surely appreciate that you can choose from three formats. Invisible spray, solid stick, and invisible cream. I'm just right. Are you saying that my back smells? Are you saying that my groin smells? I'm so excited to rub invisible cream all over my belly.

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out of your grundle. With Mando, the average grundle odor level is a zero out of ten. Carly, I have asked you that. Okay. I'm sorry. Quick question. I'm not putting deodorant down there. Is that a problem? Have you all been putting deodorant down there? Yes. Tim, I've been slopping invisible cream down there since I was a kid. I love Mando so much. I actually bought more of it for myself after the freebies they sent me ran out. That is true. You gave us free gifts? You didn't buy us the gifts?

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It does smell like Mount Fuji. Your family and friends will thank you.

Hello, folks. It's your revered and feared Dungeon Master, Branson Reese, here with our producer, Taylor Moore. They let me out of the attic. Hi. Yeah, but just for a minute, just to do this one ad read, though, and then it's back to you with the portrait of me. ages do you like i'm talking to the listener here do you enjoy rude tales of magic

Well, you know, we're leaving space for you guys to answer, but that's not how the... Look, if you like Rude Tales of Magic, you're obviously, you're probably, you're a vile criminal. You live outside of the law. And we got a podcast for you. It's called... Neo Scum. Neo Scum is a, it's fast, it's loose, a lot like Rude Tales, it's a wild, comedic romp.

It is a Shadowrun podcast. It's set in the near future. Yeah, it's like a semi-apocalyptic cyberpunk future. And the Neo Scum crew, I love these characters so much. They're riding this weird tricked-out... semi-truck across to sort of... barren weirdo American landscape. It's hilarious and it's brilliant. It's fast and loud and funny. I love it a lot. It truly is one of my favorite podcasts that exists and I can't get enough of it.

And I think I would recommend to new listeners, if this sounds interesting to you, and I think it might, that you go to neoscum.com slash starter. And that's where you're going to find like a primer on the show. Some really good jumping on points for new listeners. And they have a best of 2017 and a best of 2018 episodes. That's like a really nice amuse-bouche teaser, sort of an appetizer. Do I like it?

Yeah, they've got some audio hors d'oeuvres there for you. There's some light spoilers, but I think you're big boys. You can handle it. Yeah, you can handle it. Big girls don't cry. Big girls listen to Neo Scum. Enjoy it.

I haven't been covered in shit like this since one of our many problematic hazing rituals. I'm so embarrassed. Okay. Albie, it was very brave of you jumping first. Thank you. There is a small stream to the side of you and a tunnel that's about 10 feet tall leading forward. Albie nervously rushes over to the... to the stream and tries to watch herself all the while giving darting glances to Bella. She is mortified. Okay, let's go. Wait.

How do we know which way goes to the jail? It only leads one way so far. Let's go that way. Okay. Better when you probe him, so. Thanks, man. Say, can I ask you a little question? Yeah. Yeah. This is all hypothetical. Yeah. I just... Hey, I'm not suggesting anything. Stirf, this is a safe space. What would happen if... I don't know. We saved Cordelia, and then we... Are you considering leaving Mr. DeBone? No!

Oh, not at all. No, I think it's... I'm just asking what would happen. I would never betray him. I'm just wondering what would happen. What do you think would happen? Do you think he'd care? I think I'd... Well, I think I'd never learn to fly. I think I'd maybe... Because he told me I'd learn to fly. Did he promise you you would learn how to fly? Oh, yes, but...

He also told me he'd teach me to speak. He'd teach me to speak. Right. And so he told me he'd learn how to fly. Hey, Stir Fry, I think whatever you decide when we get there will be the right decision for you. I was, I'm not, I'm just, I just was asking the idea, just bringing up as a, as a. academic conversation. Halt, trespassers! As you have been walking down this tunnel, again, it's about 10 feet high. It smells like absolute shit. You see the trail leads to two doors.

There's a large wooden door to the left and a large wooden door to the right. Two dwarves stand in front of them, one in front of each tunnel. One... is dressed in black and one is dressed in white uh both of them are caked and shit though but originally you know black and white uh one of the dwarves looks at you says trespassers who goes there Do you know Kratis? Excuse me? Uh, I'm Albie. Okay. Uh, who are you? I am Balbor. Hi, Balbor. Hi, Balbor. Hi Bell Borg! Hello! I'm Bello. Okay!

I'm Stir Fry. I don't need to know who you are. Didn't you ask? You said who goes there. Okay, you got me there, got me there. And this is our friend Albie. Okay, well, I was already introduced to Albie. And that's Bello. I'm Bello. And this is Stir Fry. What business have you? What are you guys doing down here? We're guarding the sewers. From what? I am Balbor, and this is my twin brother, Alex. Hi, Alex. Hi, Alex. Do you know Kretis? No, I don't know Kretis. Not personally.

Where are you guys trying to go? The jail. I'll tell you this. One of these doors leads to the jail. The other leads to certain death. Certain death? Which will it be? The one that goes to jail. Which of the doors will it be? The jail door. The jail door or the death? But which is which, travelers? Is this like a riddle thing? Because one of us always lies and one of us always...

Always tells the truth, but which? Okay, so... You're right. One of us always lies, and one of us always tells the truth. What are you going to ask us? Albie takes out her bow staff. Okay. Whoa! Balbor. Yes? Am I hot? Oh, very good question. But remember... Everyone knows the answer to this! You only get the one question. Don't do this!

Do not do this. You get one question. Which is it? Tell us which door leads to the jail. Not so much a question as a demand. Yeah, sorry, you gotta play by the rules. Which door... leads to the jail. Who are you asking? And do you know if it's the liar or the truth teller? No, I don't know. I forget how this game works. I don't know how this game works. There's only one correct question. There may be others, but there's only one we know of.

Okay. One of us always lies. One of us always tells the truth. Guys, guys, if the one who always lies says... If I ask them both... This is the worst possible group to get this question. If I ask them both if I'm hot... And the one that always lies. But that's the one question. You'll just know. That is a subjective thing. Now I'm thinking more about it.

Yeah, the actual structure of the riddle. Because we only get one question. You get just the one. One of us lies, and one of us always tells the truth. Yes, one of us always lies, and one of us always tells the truth. Wait, so... Wait, wait, wait. Both of you said that?

Uh, yeah! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

One of us lies. Yes. And the other one says, and one of us always tells the truth. Yes. Alex said one of us always tells the truth. But I'm saying it too. One of us always lies. One of us always tells the truth. Yeah, I can confirm. One of us always lies. One of us always tells the truth. So you're supposed to do the same thing? What? What do you mean? So the one that says, the one that says one of us always tells the truth.

is the liar. But here's the thing, Bello, they both said the same thing. They both said the same thing, and if that is true, then one of them couldn't have said it. Oh, oh, oh, because it's a lie. Wait, wait, uh, starting now! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I agree you didn't say. Hey, you do it. Hey. Nobody always lies or always tells you. It's your whole deal. It's your whole deal, dudes. Come on, please. Give it up. Give it up. Albie throws a dart. at Balbor. Roll for attack, I guess. Eight. Eight, you miss him. Okay. What was that for? I'm so frustrated!

Frustrated. Why does everything have to have something stupid attached to it? Alex steps forward. He puts his hand over Balboa. Okay. Just take the left door. You guys trying to go to jail? Yeah. Just take the left door. How do we know that you're not the one who always lies? If anyone has, just tell us. Tell them.

that we did this the right way. Okay. You guys are willing to just take this guy's word for it? I think it's like, I think like, I think they're pretty upset. I think they're pretty like ashamed. I'm pretty upset. I'm upset. I'm embarrassed. I'll be, I'll be. Look at his eyes. He's crying. My eyes are covered in shit.

I take my feathers and I brush off your eyes. Oh, thanks. It's okay. Can you look into my eyes? Okay. See how I normally look? Do you see anything in my eyes? No, you're okay. Do I smell like shit? No, Albie. Albie. Today sucks. Albie, you smell really good. Hey, look. We smell like shit, too. You think I smell really good? Stir Fry puts up his arms to the brothers. They get it. You think I smell good? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think you smell good, too.

Okay. Okay. Whatever. Yeah, it's not a big deal. Um... Okay, thank you. I guess we'll just go through that door then. Yes, thank you. Just the left door if anyone asks. Thank you. Don't tell them the answer to the riddle. What would the other person say? I just have curiosity. Which one do you usually want to be? Do you guys trade every time? Yeah, we trade off. Which people always think I'm the truth teller. And they always think I'm the liar! Yeah, that makes sense.

Sometimes I'm telling the truth, though. Right. No, we get it. We get it. Okay, thank you. Do you guys ever drink at the Delighted Wife? Yes. Oh, maybe we'll see you up there sometime. Yeah, we take breaks from down here. Yeah. All right. Here we go. We climb up through the potty. All right. You go.

You take the door to the left? Yeah. Great. You find yourself in a room. The room is no bigger than a minute. It's a small, cramped little room. And on... It's full of radiation. Oh, God. In the room, you see a turtle, a turtle person who is sitting quietly. Okay. You see a... A turtle person sitting in the room. He looks up happily. Ah! Well met, travelers. Well met. Well met, sir. Yes. Welcome.

Do you know who Creed is? No. Okay, I just had to ask. Sure. How can I help you? We're looking for jail. Excuse me? Yeah, there was a... We're plumbers. There was a plumbing issue with jail. Whole deception check for this. 17. Wow. I must be having trouble with the pipes. Jail. Yeah. Do you know which way it is to jail? Yes. Can we get there? First, a riddle. Oh, come on. There are three doors in front of you. A small door. A broad door. Uh huh.

and a narrow door. Albie, Albie, he got this. Stir fry, stir fry got the poop out of your ass. You're okay. Why don't you take a seat? You want to take a break? You're excused from this one. Anyone want to take this? Anyone got a like a real riddles guy? Yeah, sure. We're a couple riddle guys. Yeah, we're definitely a couple riddle guys. We're like the riddle guys, basically, in the group. Yeah, Bello and I, we're the riddle guys. We'll see. Okay. Alright. Here.

Is the riddle. Okay. Okay. The three sons. A wise man was on his deathbed. He called his three sons into his room and posed a riddle to them. explaining that whosoever answered his riddle to his satisfaction would claim his inheritance. He should have just like told him he loved them. The three sons listened intently as the father spoke. What?

is as round as a circle and as straight as a line it costs you no money and yet if you lose it all is lost it can only be seen from certain angles you can heat it up But this is only what fools would do. What is it? The eldest brother, trim as possible and taller than certain trees, spoke first. Why, father, the thing of which you speak... is a human life which encompasses infinite experiences but only stretches out in one direction. It can only be seen

In retrospect, and only fools would live in too hot a climate. That's not what I thought. The father frowned. Very wise answer, wise answer. However, the father frowned. You were always too trim for riddles, he scolded. The second brother, wide as two men, spoke next, loudly and confidently. Of course our dear father is describing time. Time is infinite, and all things to all people.

So it fits these descriptions. The mention of fools heating it up is a reference to hot time, a disgusting local custom. The father looked at him sadly. You have done a bad thing, answering in this way. The youngest brother, medium in every way, save for his very expensive hat, spoke last. Father's words suggest an abstract concept, but I know better. Owing to my time as a man of society and influence, Father describes a weird window. It is circular, but has some straight lines on it.

It costs no money because it was already installed in the house you moved into. But all is lost. All is lost because you'll lose your deposit if it is stolen. It can only be seen from certain angles due to an error with the window. And only a fool would heat a window up. That is my answer. The father smiled. That is also not correct. None of you have answered my riddle. The father then died peacefully and his sons fell into poverty where they also died peacefully. Which door will you choose?

The medium door, the wide door, or the narrow door? Okay. Is there a hat door? A couple questions. The medium door has a hat above it, yes. First off, I didn't get your name. Ah, yes. My name. Is lost to time. What? Oh, I'm an old creature, you see. Call me what you will. No, you must have a name. Don't you remember? Think about your time as a little boy. What did your mama call you? Why, she called me Little One.

And so I will call myself Little One. Oh, that'll do, right, Sir Fry? What door do you choose? Is there like a consequence for choosing the wrong one? And just to be clear, did this riddle have anything to do with whatever doors we're picking? Why yes, each door represents a sun. But all the suns were wrong. Are we choosing one of their answers by... They were all wrong. Yes. Oh, so we're just picking a door. None of the doors. Well...

Are there other things in the room, perhaps? Can I kill you? Yes, but please don't. I'm a weak old man. Yeah, it feels bad. Killing me would give you nothing. Bella's going to look around the room. Sure, roll an investigation check. Natch Twent. You look down. And you see that the tortle is standing above a trapdoor. Hey. Yes? You should be careful and step away. Why? There's a trapdoor underneath you.

My heavens! He stands to the side. He knocks on the door. Sounds like there's a path down there. Great! Okay. Can I go? Yes. This sucked. Wow. Sorry, Eddie. I wasn't doing it for your amusement. I mean, as far as sewer... Then why? Albie, I mean, as far as sewer riddles go, it was pretty good. Would you like another riddle? No. Yes. The bear and the hammer.

I open the trap door. While outworking on improving the woods. I go down. We stay because we're Riddle Boys. All right. You two. While out working on improving the woods, a carpenter was attacked by a bear. Oh no. Having only the tools of a carpenter, he defended himself with a hammer. Why, the bear asked him, would you think a hammer could stop as powerful a beast as I? It's not that I think, responded the carpenter, so much as I react. Who was the fool?

Well, I think I think I think the I think the cop It was a trick question. I was the fool for cheating on my wife of 700 years. Okay, let's go. The love of my life. But now I stay in the sewers. What was her name? Shut up. I take out a hacky sack I've had the whole time and go, hey, Bello, look, look, look, look. I throw it down. Bello leaps after it head first. Great. Before I go down, I go, one question before I leave.

Yes. You were wrong in your first riddle. Why? The trim always wins. He has a moment by himself completely alone. This gives me much to think about. He turns and he opens the trim door. He walks through it. To where? Well, that's another story. All right, you guys are... All right, you're through the trap door. You land. There's about, you know, there's like a six-foot drop. You land onto wet.

cold cement. There is something's growing down here. You are in a narrow passageway. It is very, very dark, very cramped. You have to travel single file. And it's like that for the next eight or nine minutes. You're just sort of moving. forward. It doesn't branch off in any other direction. You seem to be...

gradually, gradually sloping downwards as you go until finally you find yourselves face to face. The chamber sort of like opens up and you find yourself in a wider space and you are face to face with a giant old... heavy-looking wooden door. I want to open the door. Okay, cool. The door makes a loud creak sound. You guys walk through the door. You look up and you take in your surroundings. It's clear you're not in the sewers anymore.

It's not a nice area, but it's definitely more well-maintained than the sewers. You look up at the door behind you, and you see it says, exit to sewers. Are we not in the sewer? Oh, yeah. You're in jail. You turn around again and you see Junior the cat is being held in a cage. I'm so sorry. I ran into a bit of a hiccup. The cage is being held by a cop who looks at you. What's all this then? What are you lot doing here?

Take us to jail. You're in jail. Uh-oh. Yeah, and you're under arrest. Uh-oh. Take us to jail. Okay, you're in jail. You're under arrest for breaking into jail. Uh-oh. Yeah, it's good. It's good that you... Yeah, you should be... That's the right...

response. Uh-oh. Why'd you come and do the sores? We want to see Cordelia. Did you meet all the riddle guys? Yeah. I can't fucking know why they're down there. Oh, if you're a riddle guy, you get it. You just, like, live to give riddles. Okay, so I got a riddle for you. The cave in the-

Oh, hello, ladies and gentlemen. It's me, Branson Reese, to Dungeon Master. You know... that, though, if you're listening to this point of the show. Yeah, this is an ad. Don't skip, though, because I've got something very interesting to say, which is all about how if you're enjoying the show right now...

Folks, you're not even getting half the story because where it's really going down is on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Rude Tales of Magic. That's where the real shit's happening, folks, because we have an active, I mean, I'm fucking active Patreon where we have... Exclusive art, hours and hours of bonus audio. We have chances to get first draft picks for when we do live shows. We also have a Discord, which is popping off, folks. It is...

There's an active Discord, and you can get access to it just by becoming a Patreon. Here's the thing, though. There's different levels of Patreon support, and we have something very special called Elf Lords, which I encourage you to become, because if you're an Elf Lord... You know, there's a million benefits, but don't count them. But there's a lot of benefits, one of which is that I will say your name on the show.

I'll do it even right now. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here's some Elf Lords. We've got Andrew Bain. Bless you. Alex Davis. God bless you. Evan Martin. I love you. Gunday Monday. That's a fun day. It was just Gunday Monday is the name. The rest is me editorializing. I'm sorry and I love you. Casey Floyd. I owe you my life. Anderson Miller. Now that's what I call a real fan. Nick Gronke?

I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. If I'm not, you have permission to yell at me. You are an elf lord. You can do whatever you want. You can send me a picture of a gun. That's fine. I'll grow up. I'll take it. Dan Sheehan. I want to thank you personally, Dan Sheehan. I want to thank all of you personally, but Dan Sheehan, that's the way I phrased it for you. Tim Hoffman? That's a big rude tales thank you to Tim Hoffman. And last but not least, John Biggs.

Everyone here at Rude Tales would like to thank you personally, John Biggs, but I'm the only one in front of a microphone right now, so I'm the one saying it. If you'd like to hear your name said, all you gotta do is become an Elf Lord on Patreon. Or if you're an Elf Lord and you didn't hear your name said, it's coming! you know we got a lot of names and uh only one dungeon master so uh i love you god bless you uh i've talked about god a lot in this ad patreon.com slash root tales of magic

A seven-year-old Frederick de Bonesby sits in the hallway at the de Bonesby Manor. He is opposite in a narrow hallway, an enormous 10 by 20 painted portrait. of his father, Otto de Bonesby, who is triumphantly writing a griffin. Otto looks really good in this painting. It's an oil painting. Young seven-year-old Frederick sits in a tall, uncomfortable chair, his feet dangling off the chair, not quite hitting the ground. Frederick, I'll let you sit with yourself for a second there.

Thank you. I'm a little boy that has all of my hair and flesh and fat. You are, you know, you're a little nervous. You're sort of twitching around a little. And you can hear some talking and some murmurs behind the tall wooden door to your right. The door opens with an extremely loud creak. You're greeted by... Your beloved butler, Worcester, a man in his early 70s, he quietly greets you and says, Your father will see you now. Oh, thank you, Worcester.

Yes, right this way and good luck. Do I know what's going on? You don't. I'll tell you what you do know. You know that... Your father has called you into his study to have a talk with you, which is something that has never happened before. And I would say the last time you spoke to your father was over a year ago. Okay. Yes, right this way. Frederick, good luck. Thank you. I'm glad that I had a moment with Father's picture so that I can recognize him when I see him in the room. Yes, he's...

He's aged a bit, but the man is unmistakable. Go get them, tiger. Yes. He closes the door behind you. He's back in the hallway now. You are now in an enormous... An enormous grand room. There are giant, giant windows looking out over the DeBonesby lands, which are sort of grim and solemn lands far to the north in Cordelia. There is a fireplace and there is a rug with a sort of like a mammoth skin rug.

On the ground, there is an enormous table about 50 feet across the room from you. And at it sits your father, Otto DeBonesby, a man in his early 60s. He sits at an enormous table. He's in a chair with an extremely tall back. The back of the chair goes probably 13 feet off the ground. Frederick, was it? Yes, hello. May I greet you? No. Frederick, yes. I shan't forget losing that fight with your mother, God rest her soul. I wanted to name you Ulfric.

Frederick, do you know the origin of your name? Am I allowed to answer your question? Excuse me? Am I allowed to answer your question? Are you talking back to me? Do you not think that I've been... I just thrust my head straight to the ground. Yes. Look right at those feet. Now look back up at me. Do you know the origin of your name? No, sir. It means one who loves. Oh. Yes, not the strongest name. I shan't argue. Do you know the origin of my name, Frederick?

I don't suppose you do. You've stammered twice now in my own presence. I just fear that my answer may come across as willful or unruly. Oh, may it. Well, I'd love to see a little verve from you. Let's hear it. Your parents gave it to you? Frederick? I'm sorry. I don't want to hear you speak to me again like that. I'm sorry. You are sorry. You've said that how many times now? I'm just weeping. Weak.

Very weak. Oh yes, no, stop. Stop. I'll have Regis stop you. You see now he he gestures over to the side of the table. You see your older brothers. You see Wolfric, who is 14. He has broad shoulders and jet black hair. He is looking. He's a very professional and distant look in his eye. You see Regis, who is 13, who has lighter, curly hair, who's looking directly at you. He has a mostly neutral look on his face because the slightest smirk. Oh, are you done?

Yes, sir. That's what I thought. Frederick, I called you in here. I took time away from my busy schedule to call you into my office, and I wanted to have a little heart-to-heart with you. Thank you. Do you know what we do for business? Do you know how we make the money that affords you the lavish lifestyle you live? I believe it is that we own so much land that we deserve the money.

Yes, it's sort of a passive income. Do you know what we do to retain the esteem of the small folk? I'll tell you what we do. I can tell from your face. You don't know. Yeah, just opening and shutting my mouth. That's right. Look at you. Gaping like a fish. Close it. We breed griffins. We breed them to race them. Oh, yes. That's why, if you look at our banner...

It's two griffins in battle. In days of yore, we battled with them. Now, unfortunately, there's a time of peace upon us, and we raised them. I love the griffin races. I didn't know... Oh, you love the griffin races? I didn't... That's so interesting that you say you love the griffin races. I wonder, how do you think we get good griffins? Do we get them, Frederick, by breeding? Only the best griffins, or do we get them by coddling them? We can't do both? Oh no, we can't, Frederick.

There's only one thing we can do to get the strongest Griffins. Tell me, which is it? You're so clever, you're so talking back to your father. Which is it? Sounds like the breeding. It sounds like the breeding, but you don't know, do you? You've shown me with your actions that you don't know. Worcester, bring it out. Worcester enters, holding in a cage, a small, juvenile, sort of like puppy-aged griffin with two broken wings.

Do you recognize this griffin? Yes. What is, I believe, Worcester informs me that you named it. Yes. And what was the name of this griffin? Double Daddy's Got a Million. Double Daddy's Got a Million? I wanted him to grow up to be such a good stud, Griffin, that he would be a double daddy. Now this is the problem, Frederick. This is where we get into a bit of a conflict, don't we? Yeah.

Do you think that by breeding the weakest griffins, we bring esteem to our name? No, sir. No, sir. Thank you very much, sir. No, sir, we do not. The way that we get the strongest griffins... is by breeding only the strongest griffins and by culling the rest. You were nursing this griffin. Double daddy's got a million. Yes, one day. Suppose you wanted him to grow up into gentleman jazz, my prize griffin.

he would be even better, times a million. Do you know how I got Gentleman Jazz to be the griffin he is today? I'll tell you how. I fed him the scraps of his brothers and sisters. Yes! And now what I'm going to have you do for me today... I'm going to have you put this griffin out of its misery. I want you to give it a dignified death. You give it to it here now, or I'll have Regis do it. Regis? Yes.

Yes, Regis, yes, I'll have your brother do it. I promise you, Regis is not a dignified boy. Try as I might, he's too willful. Well, father... To speak politely, this gives me... Oh, no, no, this is not a conversation. This gives me great taste. No, no, no, this is not a thing where you have taste. I don't care what taste you have in your mouth. Now I want you to kill it. And before you do, I want you to remember these words.

When you help something that cannot help you back, you diminish yourself. Now kill this beast and become a big man. Alright, well, he just looks at the griffin. And then, uh, sort of thinks about it for a second. Looks back up. With what instrument? Your bare hands. The same hands you nursed it with. Very well. Give me the griffin. Worcester brings the griffin to you. All right. Take the griffin out of the cage.

Look at it in the eye. Camera zooms out from this scene, and we see we are in a memory of Frederick the Bonesby, who now sits, 92, a full skeleton in a prison cell. You have been stripped of your clothes and your wig. If you weren't moving, you'd just look like somebody had left a body in there for a year. Just a naked skeleton.

In a prison cell. You are not alone in the prison cell, though. There is also an old man and a bugbear with a blindfold sitting in the prison cell with you. You boys been in here before? Excuse me? I said, have you boys been in here before? Oh, yeah. A few times. The old man is speaking to you. Have to hang out long? Eh, not two more. Very well. Moira sent us in here for roughhousing. Yes, I murdered some policemen. Why'd you do that?

They were hassling me. They were hassling you? Yes. So you killed them? I forgot what they deserved. Did they? Yes. Okay. Well, fair enough. Thank you. So you're in jail now? Seems like it. Alright. For killing cops. How many cops you kill? Last count when the flames started going. That's pretty good. Thank you.

I'm a man of diminished ability, but I am happy to say I'm back on the rise. Do you, uh... You like a flame guy? It's pretty much my most effective offensive spell at the moment. Oh, spells! You do spells. Yes. Nice. I'm a wizard. Oh, you're a wizard. Yes. I'll make a fun of your voice. I'm sorry. Oh, I didn't realise. Yeah, no. I thought you were attempting to rise your station. No, no, no. I don't. I'm happy with me station. Good for you.

I live down in the dirt. If someone has to. Yeah, it's me. Good for you. Thank you. You're welcome. What, are you like a fancy boy or some shit? Yeah. Oh, you're a fancy boy? Yes, I enjoy many fancy things and I am a male. A fancy boy. Well, he's got it. Yes. The bugbear next to him turns and sort of looks at you. He's blindfolded. He's not really looking at you. He's sort of looking in your direction. Mm-hmm. Oh.

Hello, blindfolded man. Oh, sorry, I didn't introduce us. My name's Grandpa, and this here is The Sack. Hello, Grandpa. Hello, The Sack. My name is Frederick de Bonesby. I didn't... don't recall asking? We're gonna be out of here pretty quick and it seems like, you know, no offense. Seems like not a great idea to get too close to you. That's fair. I'm just killing time. Oh yeah, you're gonna get killed. You're absolutely gonna get executed.

Not by the people who let me light all the cops on fire. Yeah, you got a point there, but, you know. Thank you. Why don't you just do a spell and get out of here, then? No, I, as I said before, I'm of diminished ability. I don't have my full retinue. Of Spellcraft, and I, um, nothing I have in my memory right now would work in this specific cell. Oh, come on. You gotta have a cantrip or something. Give us a spell. You wanna see a cantrip? Yeah, you wanna see something. Alright, um, I, uh...

I cast minor illusion to make it look like I'm holding a key out. Okay, cool. Nothing happens, unfortunately. Oh, no. Oh, you know what? That was actually mean of me. I'm sorry. We're in an anti-magic zone. Well, yeah. Yeah, we're in an anti-magic zone. God, I hate them. You see that pig over there?

Oh, you look over, you see in the distance, you see an albino pig with no limbs who is just sort of sitting on like a medieval skateboard. It's got a little oar in its mouth and it's sort of like moving itself back and forth. You see that guy? Yes. Guards call that spilled milk. It's an anti-magic pig. I've seen anti-magic pigs before. Yeah, small guy like you. I'm sure you know. Yes. All mammals.

All non-sentient mammals. There's like a one in a million chance one of them can be born and they've got anti-magic powers. Yes, and they're a valuable commodity. Anyway, the second I'm going to head out, Moira told us to just chill in here for a few hours.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moira outranks the cops here and she sent us in. Oh, wow. That's the woman that I believe my friends were dealing with. Oh, yeah. You guys are the delighted wife? Yes. All right. Well, I'll tell your friends that you said hi before you were killed.

Oh, he gets up. He didn't ask you to. No, I'll do it. I'm going to do it. Unless you don't want me to. No, go ahead. You want me to. Sure, why not? All right, I'm going to go tell him. I'm going to say your friend's last words. He was probably screaming, but his last words to me were, hello.

I wouldn't say it like that. You wouldn't? I wouldn't say. You shouldn't have killed those cops then. He and the sack, just like, they walk up, they bang on the gate, and they say, hey, copper, we did our time, let us out. Uh, cop walks over. Hey, Grimple on the sick. How long you been in here? Oh, we've been in here about two, three hours now. All right. Yeah, Moira said you should do a few hours. Yeah, get out of here.

He opens the gate for them, they walk out, they leave, the guard closes the gate and locks it. And as for you, fuck off. I've learned a lot about fairness in my time in jail, and I have to say, fair. Oh, I don't give a shit, he walks away. Common news. All right, you're alone in the cell. What do you want to do? I suppose I'll inspect my surroundings a little more. Yeah, go for it. Roll for an investigation.

Got a six. You don't see too much new. You're in a jail cell. There's bars everywhere. You can tell that there are other jail cells nearby. They don't seem full of anybody. Seems like a pretty empty jail at the moment. You can tell that there's sort of a winding hallway that leads off into shadows. You can't see anything there. You can still see Spilled Milk, the pig.

And you can see a dead rat on the ground that's just sort of decomposing a few feet away from you. But nothing else. All right. Here we go. Here we go, DeBurnsby. Use that empty skull of yours. Pick up the rat. All right. And I go over to the window. Okay. And I wiggle it out the window. I say, hey, piggy. Hey, piggy, you want a snack? Hey, piggy. The pig sort of looks up at you.

It's sort of, it's using the oar it's got in its mouth to, like, pull itself over on the skateboard. It's getting closer. It moves about four or five feet. Gets a little distracted. Oh, no, no, no. I've got a juicy... Piece of flesh. I got one. It's good. I pretend like I'm going to go eat it. I'm like, ah. It looks disgusted. It starts backing up. No, no, no. It's for you. It's for you. It looks at you confused. It's still got the oar in its mouth. Yummy.

It nods. Yummy here. Yeah, it nods. Yummy here. It opens its mouth and the oar falls out. And it looks down at the oar and it looks at you and it starts whining. I kind of, like, try to, like, mimic putting the ore back in its mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to keep my mouth open to make it look like I'm putting an invisible door back in my mouth while I'm talking, just to be clear. The pig does not follow your movements there. It whines a little, and then its head rolls back, and it falls asleep and starts snoring. Guardsmen? The guard walks down the hallway. What do you want? There's something wrong with your pig. Well, because it's got no arms or legs. No, it looks... Some things don't got no arms or legs. Nothing wrong with it.

That's fine, but it looks like it's dead. Its oar fell out of its mouth, and it closed its eyes, and it's just there now. Oh, no, that's just how spilled milk sleeps. Oh, it's sleeping. I had no idea. Yeah, no, it's just sleeping. You dummy. Yep. You never seen a pig sleep before? No. That's one of like the top three things you're supposed to have seen. Really? Top three? Yeah, did you not see? They had a list come out. The top three things to see before you die. What are the other two?

you got to see a pig fall asleep you got to see a kid picking an apple from a tree and you got to see A big man handing a balloon to a small man. Oh, I've seen that. Oh, you have? Yeah. All right, you're going to be good to die. Later this afternoon, probably. What's... By what means, man? What do you mean?

How will my execution take place? Oh, it depends. Oh, it depends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We might set you on fire. We might hang you. We might drown you. That's very interesting. We might poison you. Ooh.

We have one guy come in, if it's where, on Thursdays, it's not Thursday, but on Thursdays we have a guy come in and he just stabs you with a sword. Ooh, only on Thursdays? Only on Thursdays, busy man. Well, good for him. He's a good swordsman. Ah, that's wonderful. Yeah. Today's not Thursday. No, it's not Thursday.

I wonder what I'm going to get. It's Friday. It's the fairest amount of time from Thursday. You should have seen this guy yesterday. Wish I had. Yeah, we had him kill somebody. Wasn't even guilty. Wow. Well, you got the guy coming in, you know. He's got to do something. Yes, that's fair.

Okay, well, I've got other stuff to do if you don't need anything from me. I was just hoping that you could check out what's going on with that pig. I don't really feel like I should do you any favors. You killed four of me friends. Oh, it's not for me. It's for your institution. No, it seems like it's a thing for you. Hmm.

Nah. Did you think you were charismatic? No, no. I was going to tell you, yeah, you're not charismatic. It was very clear to me before I looked like this. Yeah. You didn't always look like that. No, I used to have, you know... Human features. Oh, what happened to them? I accidentally removed them in an arcane ritual gone very wrong. What were you trying to do? I was trying to become a powerful lich. Why would you do that? Power. Well, who cares?

I do. But why? Because power's great. That's all you got? You made your whole face go away and all you got is power's great? Oh my god, I would tell me friends about this if you hadn't killed him. I'm out of here. Try to speak to a commoner in their own language without explaining the arcade mysteries of the multiverse, and you get told you're an idiot. Maybe you are an idiot, to be honest with you. Then I said it. No, you didn't, as I did.

Maybe I am an idiot. Maybe I've earned what I've got. You look up and you see that the guard is frozen. He had started to walk away and he's frozen mid-step. Ooh. Magic. Yeah, it's a little bit of magic. A cockroach pops out of the dead rat. The cockroach sort of takes you in. It's got a very casual demeanor about it.

Oh, there was a little cockroach in the rat. I tried to feed you to that pig. I'm so sorry. I don't give a shit. I'm not a cockroach. I'm a cockroach right now, but I'm always a cockroach. Ah. Don't do, don't act. No, no, no. You're shocked by this. I'm spooky. You're very spooky. Okay, good. Yeah, no, I heard you saying you were an idiot. I was just piping in to say you're a big, fat idiot. Oh, thank you, cockroach. Yeah, no problem.

Uh, allow me to introduce myself. My name's Cheddar. Wow, you just went and told me your name. Yeah, who gives a shit? What are you gonna do? You gonna use that against me? You don't abide by those rules? No! This is fascinating. Those are opt-in rules. You gotta be a dummy to opt into that. Oh, wow. Oh, wait a second! I know who I'm talking to!

Hold on one second. Look at you. Look at this mirror. A mirror appears in front of you. Go ahead. Take a look at that. All right. You see your old face in the mirror. Yeah, I know who you are. I haven't seen that face in a long time. Yeah, I've seen it all the time. I see it all the fucking time! Me and my buddies watch the video of you all the time. The video? Yeah, there's a video going around you in hell. It's called Greatest Lich Fails. Oh.

I suppose it's a relief to me. You're a clown to me! That there are more than one lich fails. Oh, no, no, no, sorry. I say greatest lich fails. It's just like a 10-hour loop of you failing over and over again. Oh, different angles, I suppose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

That's the thing in hell, we can see you basically wherever and however we want. When you try to become a lich, everybody's watching. There's like a stadium full of people just laughing and clapping at you, buddy. Huh. Yeah, you fucked up bad! You made your face go away! Not just my face. Yeah, no, you're skinny, you're fleshing your fats too, right? Sure, that's how I says it. Yeah, no, I noticed, I noticed. Anyway, I'm talking to you because you're making my life a bit of a headache.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear it. Yeah, no, I don't- I can tell you're not sorry, though. So, I don't- so fucking save it. I'm telling you, you friends with, uh, you friends with, like, a big scary s-sasquatch? Oh, she's not scary, but she's big. Yes, Gordelia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a friend of mine. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, you got her in a bit of trouble. Oh, no. Again, don't do that. Just say how you feel.

Oh, no. No, be real with me. How do you actually feel about that? I feel, oh, no. I want to hear you say you don't care about her. Oh, well, that's interesting. I think I might do a little bit. Oh, really? Oh, cause your words and your actions don't line up, smart guy! You don't give a shit about her, you gotta throw it into jail, they're gonna kill her! Yes, I generally feel that way. You generally don't care, right? About...

Everyone. Yeah, no, it's very clear. Yes, and I'm used to acting that way. Oh, very good. Okay, I don't give a shit. I literally don't care if you care or not. What I care about is I need you to rescue her from jail. Oh. Well...

All I can do is my little talky-talks. I usually get a lot of magic with the fucking pig over there. Push it away from here so I can use my magic. I can't push it away. I can't get into that thing. It's a locked door to me. What I need you to do is break out of here and go rescue your friend. Okay. I say your friend. Go rescue my friend. It's not really your friend. Alright. Okay, go. You gotta go help her? You have any tips?

Any tips? A locked jail cell. Oh, a locked jail cell? Oh, look at this. Oh, what can they do? He, like, scurries up. the jail cell and he goes into the lock the lock swings open the door swings open and he crawls out he's leaning against it like Bugs Bunny there oh look at that door's open

Incredible. I used my weird little body. Well done. It hurt this thing a lot. I can feel the pain of this cockroach. And you care about the cockroach? A little bit. Because the thing is, when I spend time with people, I tend to care about them a little bit. Because I'm not a fucking sociopath.

Huh. That was a bit of a shot at you. I care about Cordelia, and I want you to help her out of this jail cell. Well, I will do it, especially since you helped me. Okay, great. Is that why? Is it like a transaction to you? I'm learning about caring for someone for the first time, so I'm really going to lean back on the old crutches if you don't mind for a second. You know what, that's fair enough. I came down pretty hard on you. Did you hurt your feelings? Ow.

Yes. Okay, good. That's a start. Oh my... My feelings are constantly hurt. It's the path to growth. Huh. Yeah, so, uh, you get out of here. Help your friend out. You gonna do that? Yes. Okay, good. Thank you, cheddar. Yes, the world's not a transaction, okay? Sometimes you gotta help people, they can't help you back. I'm a demon, by the way. I figured. You're getting a moral pep talk from a demon.

How's that feel for you? It was fucked up, right? It's making me question everything. Yeah, but it is. Oh, I'm getting hit by all sorts of feelings. By the way, a little tip. The blood from someone you loved. Oh? That was what you fucked up. Oh.

It's funny to me. I can tell you have it a moment. I feel bad about how much I laughed at you, which was a lot. The cockroach explodes. Goodbye. Time is back. All right. Let's boogie. Yes, quite the rude tale indeed. That was Ali Fisher as Cordelia. Carly Monardo as Albie. Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonesby. Tim Platt as Stir Fry. Joe Lepore as Bellow.

and Branson Reese as everything and everyone else. Rude Tales of Magic is produced by Taylor Moore, that fortunate horse. He sounds nice. See you next time, weirdy traveler, when you most desire even more rude tales of magic. In the early 21st century, magic reawakened on Earth, and alongside it a new human race with orcs, elves, trolls, dwarves, and others. Humanity became meta-humanity.

As technology proliferated and greatly advanced in the awakened world, global megacorporations seized ever more power, becoming de facto states with their own laws, courts, and armed forces. The corporations attempt to control all aspects of modern life. This has led to a vast and complex criminal underground which works for and against corporate interests. The independent career criminals who do what others can't or won't are called Shadowrunners. The year is 2101. Welcome to Fun City.

Fun City, which takes place in a post-climate disaster in New York City in the year 2101. In our game, a group of friends who live on a boat do their best to get by in the magical... technologically advanced corporate controlled future. We accompany them as they cast spells, hack computer systems, get into and hopefully out of all kinds of trouble.

It is subconscious mind pushes you away. Doesn't even know how much just sort of hits you with like the levitation spell. Cheesy is a perfect opportunity to do what she calls a clam flip. So she jumps in the air, does a tuck, and she really sits on him. She goes, when she lands. Do not ask. Where the money comes from, my friend. Let me tell you something. Anybody with this much money, we don't get it in nice ways. You know what I mean? Typhine casts concealment on the boat.

We got two drinks. We got juice boxes and, of course, milk. Got anything funny in that arm? TK pops it open and pulls out a pair of socks. TK, like, unrolls them and stretches them a little bit and doesn't break eye contact. Is that what they're paying you? It's not worth it. You can find Fun City wherever you listen to podcasts and on Twitter at Fun City Ventures. Artemis, what's the population of New York City?

The current population of Manhattan is estimated at 2.2 million, but the corporate arcologies keep their population data private. The outer boroughs have not participated in an officially recognized census since... Okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Doom and gloom apocalypse archipelago. I get it. So anyways, I trained her to everyone's voice. Doom and gloom archipelago. From your Spotify. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends! HeadGum! So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. Yeah. We talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience members can ask questions about friendships and...

We can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes. We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week.

I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.