Fools Crush In (LIVE in Brooklyn)

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ah, there you are, weary traveller. Come in, come inside, take off your coat. Put your feet by the fire, and I shall bring you what you shall... Wait, what? Oh, there's a traveling band of minstrels and storytellers here also in the inn today. What a wonderful treat. And the continental breakfast hours have been expanded through lunchtime. Your cup runneth over! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the front of the Inn's Fire, Christopher Hastings! Ali Fisher!

Carly Monado! Trim Tim Platt! Jo La Paul! Good evening, everybody. All right, how's everybody feeling? Good. This is a live show. I'm not going to act like you're not there. Okay, great. So our... I'm going to let our heroes go just down the line and introduce themselves. We'll start with Joe. Just say who you play and what they look like.

I'm Joe Lepore. I play the role of Bello. He's a dashing young bro of a tiefling. We've really sexualized him. Having gone back and listened to the first episodes, that was... put on me. I did not, I did not like. Oh yeah, by me. Yeah, I did not like say like, I'm playing Bellow, a hot character. I was like, I'm playing Bellow. And people were like, you're hot. Sorry, actually, you established you're gorgeous.

That happened. You established you're gorgeous. We both did. No, but there's like a seedy dimension to it that I am responsible for. Branson's ultimately responsible for it. He's got beautiful indigo skin. There it is. A couple of sexy horns. A tail, which we don't talk enough about. We think about it. We think about it. And just a... I don't know, just an undefinable it factor. All right, that's enough of that. Chris. I'm Chris Hastings, and I play the...

Let's do the voice. I play the skeleton man, Frederick de Bonesby. I've been stripped of all of my flesh and my skin and my hair and my fat. And I suppose that's what I look like and I'm a wizard. All right, Allie. All right. I'm Allie Fisher, and I'll do the voice. I'm Cordelia Sasquatch. Yeah! She did it! You go to a dark place. I know. It's a whole thing. So I look like a Sasquatch. She is very tall. And as it turns out, in building this character,

remarkably thin. I didn't quite calculate it right. But she's also got an amazing jean vest on, jean boyfriend shorts, and... She's probably next to Albie. She's got the lavender haircut. Oh, yeah. Edgy lavender haircut. Yeah. Hey, Carly. Hi, I'm Carly. I play Albie. Dawn. I'm a little fawn. I'm spunky as hell. I got a cute little braid. I have a fun...

Like, it's a tuning, but it's fun. It's like, she invented athleisure, like, low-key. And, yeah, there's a lot of feedback happening for some reason. Alright, Tim? My name is Tim. I play Stir Fry. He's a little crow man, a little kenku. I've always thought of him as like... between three and four feet tall, but I don't think that's confirmed. It's up to you. Does he shrink when he's like... Wet. Yeah, probably because the feathers will make it look... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A foot of that is just a big fluff, you know. I also say he has a ring with a B in it, and that's important. And I think he has, what's the only thing, he's got a hood. He's probably got a hood.

He's got a hood. He's got a hood. Great. And it's great. So all of these characters who you just heard described to you, they all awake in a strange and distant land. As you, all of you, uh, look around. Actually, let's have, uh, anybody want to roll an investigation check? Sure. Yeah. Natch twin. Whoa! Okay, wait, Carly, just out of curiosity, what'd you get?

Nat, 11. Okay. So, Tim, did you roll? I also got a 20. Jesus Christ. Wait, wait. Yeah, everyone roll. Something's up. All right, I got a 13. Okay. A lucky 13. 19. Okay, so fellas You guys really see the hell out of this place. Bella and Sir Fry especially. This is a Albion Cordelia. You got sleep stuck in your eye. But you... You look around and there are, it seems like you're up at the top of like a mountain peak of some sort, but it's not cold. It's not snowy. It's like a paradise.

There are blooming spring trees everywhere. There's clouds all over the place. There are birds, like paradise birds. They're in every tree. There's natural springs. This is a beautiful location you guys find yourselves in. Stirfryer, are you seeing what I'm seeing? My, my, my. How the things can fly. Don't get jealous, bro. I am too late. Wah! We didn't go to sleep here. Huh? It looks wonderful. Don't get me wrong. We didn't fall asleep here. Does it look wonderful? Oh, yes. It does.

Oh my gosh, this sounds... Okay, it looks a lot like... Okay, there's a chapter in the book that I carry around about Cretus called Do You Know Cretus? And it talks about the peak of a mountain and that... That's basically it, but I'd like to imagine this is exactly what it looks like. I thought you'd retitled that book Yes, because you just wrote Yes on it. Very large.

That's not... I didn't retitle it. I don't have that power, unfortunately. Albie, Albie, I know you talk about him all the time, but who is Kretis again? Before she can answer... A voice you've never heard before greets you with a hello. That's right, it's my entrance music. Sorry, sorry. Pleased to make your acquaintances. My name is Zimbarney DeMilo. That name again is Zimbarney DeMilo.

Oh, daddy-like. Hi, daddy. I mean, um... Whoa, okay. All right, I got you. You got me? No, it's not dibs. My name's not daddy, but... If all of you want to call me daddy, I wouldn't say no. Well, I would love to call you daddy, but I must first check with my good friend, Mr. DeBones. Mr. DeBones, you may call this fine gentleman daddy. Why not? Yes. Fantastic. I shall call you daddy then. That's one daddy.

I don't think I'm going to call you daddy. Bello, Bello, call him daddy with me, please. Sturf, I'm not going to do it, bro. Please, please, call him. He's not my daddy. I'm hopping all the way, I'm like hopping over, over Bello, like back and forth. I'll roll, I'll roll, I'll roll the check to see if I can. 19. That works better than what you described. Sorry, was that a 19 hop check? Yeah, cool. I did an acrobatics check. I just wanted to let you know that I know what I'm doing. I grab.

Albie's arm and pull her aside. I don't have to call him daddy if you don't want me to. Is this like a you thing? It's not a dibs thing. Are you sure? I promise you I don't call dibs on this guy. Okay. Zimbani! Yes! What is going on here?

Well, I have more to say than the daddy thing. Are you sure? Yes, you're welcome. Thank you. So this guy that you're looking, you don't need to roll an investigation check. This is a, this appears to be a middle-aged human man. He's very short and squat. He has wings. He has like a dove's wings coming off of the back of him and he wears a diaper.

And he's sort of like hovering a few feet off the air, off the air, off the ground in front of you. He's balding. He's got bags under his eyes as he greets you. He's like, ah, yeah, that's right. I wanted to welcome all of you here to Mount Crush. By your appearance, I was afraid for a moment we were in the Christian heaven. No. Christian heaven exists in this world, but you're not there. We all know it's one of the worst heavens. Of course. That's why I was worried. So, did you say Mount...

Crush? Yes. Originally it was called Shangri-Love, but we thought it was too on the nose. So you settled on Mount Crush? I didn't settle on it. I didn't name the place. I don't know. I don't know. Hey, Cordelia, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, I'm right here. Help. Do you want time alone with him? No! I assure you I'm available for time alone. I'm sorry. I will keep my voice down. Okay. What do you want help with? I...

I'm a little scared of where this is going. I'm terrified. Okay, good. What do you need? Well, I don't need anything. I have an offer for you. Oh, hold on. Okay. Before we hear your offer, I gotta know. How'd we get here? How'd you get here? Yeah. Why, you woke up here. Oh, okay. What do you mean, how'd you get here? Fair enough. Yeah. Why don't you look foolish asking a question like that? Boy, is your face purple? Because your skin's blue. Right, no, I get it.

That's an okay one. It's true. You know, I've always said sleep is a boat. You sleep one, you close your eyes and you drift off to a... Ignore my bird and tell me what's going on. Sure, sure. I, uh, well, I, uh, I wanted to make an offer to you guys. Uh-huh. We play a little game, and in exchange, I give you riches untold. Tell us. Wait, tell us what they are. When you put it like that, 10,000 gold apiece. That's a lot, right? I think so.

Pretty good, I heard? Yeah, on a scale of bad to untold, pretty good. All right, you drive a hard bargain. 50,000 gold apiece. Wow. Wasn't asking for more. 70,000. Wow. Nobody say anything. 100,000 gold apiece. No, it's too much. It's too much. Quiet, you. 120,000 gold apiece. Well, pardon my French, but tra-la-la, this is nice. No, we have to calm down.

This is too much wealth. I couldn't spend it all in one lifetime and would have to pass it on to my heirs. No, we could just get so many crop tops. Wait, does that mean you want kids? I'm just asking. I mean, I haven't really thought about it, but maybe probably someday. Cool. I'll eventually ask everybody. I grab. Wow, this is fraught. Hey, for no particular reason, why is it called Mount Crush?

Excuse me? Mount Crush. Why is it called that? I had like a cough thing going on. Oh, are you okay? I was just buying time. I heard you. It's called Mount Crush because it's the place where... Your love's desire comes true. Here, watch this. He shoots Albie with an arrow. Oh my god! No, wait! Wait, wait! Sorry, hold on. I didn't explain the full concept. I dropped my scimitar. No, very aggressive gesture on my part. Sorry. My nose is bleeding. Are you okay?

I should have explained before I shot the arrow. Big time! I'm holding my scimitar out to you. Whoa! Put it away. Tell me what's going on. Why'd you shoot my friend? Well, because these are crush arrows. Whoever is hit with these gets a crush. Oh, but you hit Albie?

What do you mean, but I hit Albie? I just, what happens if you already have a crush, theoretically? She already has a crush? No, that's not what I'm saying. I didn't say that. Albie? Wait, Albie has a crush? No, I don't know what you're talking about. Wow, I really walked into something here. What happens? Well, hypothetically, you develop a crush on somebody. Okay.

So what if someone did have a crush and got hit with one of these arrows, though? Why, then it would just hurt. Okay. I won't confirm or deny. Okay.

I'm moving on. That's right, you're on a magical mountaintop where crushes are the rule of law. We have sort of a love-based economy here. Whoa. Yeah, it's cool. But we also get 100,000 gold. There's also gold, though. The gold is meaningless to me for that reason. What is... What do you want us to do for this gold? I want you to play a game of truth or dare. Oh, no. No? That's fine with me.

Yes, no, I would like to play true today, and here's why. Number one... Number one, adventures occur when we finally reveal how we feel. Number... Can you shoot him with a arrow? Pardon? Can you shoot him with an arrow? Sure. Something's happening here. And what did he say exactly, Claire? There's a man with a bow over there. Tra-la-la. Oh my, I lock eyes with a toucan. Okay, yeah. The toucan looks at you and squawks.

She doesn't even know I exist. Oh, my God. Yeah, this is a non-sentient toucan. Damn. Say, Daddy. Yes. Daddy's my name. Shooting arrows is my game. Who's that strange little number up there? Oh, the toucan? Yes. I didn't name it. It's a wild animal. That which is without name longs to be named, and that which who has no lover longs to be tamed. Can I try that again? No.

Wait, are you asking if you can try to say that again? Yeah. No. Tim, gotta remind you, there's a live audience here. Yeah, we'll fix it in post. Okay. All right, so is that a yes or a no on the truth or dare? No, hold on, because, like, usually, like, when I'm, like, you know, when I'm, like, with my friends and we're, like, playing truth or dare, it's not like, you know, like, people just sort of get bored and it ends. Like, like...

How do we... Are we supposed to win Truth or Dare? Yes. Oh. You're supposed to win Truth or Dare. Sorry, the harp was set to a minor chord there. But I assure you, you're in no danger. Oh, good. Oh, great. Yeah, definitely. Sure. Hardly worth mentioning. Well, then how do we win truth or dare and take all of this money that you don't care about? Well, why don't you just play the game and we'll find out? Great, do it. But I'll begin.

What? Albie? Oh, Albie wants to begin. Do you want to begin? No, that's not, no. I've got to dare for you. Wait, are we starting? Wait, wait, wait, yeah. Yeah, we've already started. Wait, are there... Are there rules? Yes. You have to pick truth or dare. Okay. If you pick truth... You have to tell the truth when asked your question. If you pick dare, you have to do the dare, no matter the consequences. But we're safe.

Yeah, but you're safe. Great. Seems like a pretty low stakes situation. Yeah, you'd think. With a high reward. Yeah, low stakes, high reward. You'd think that, wouldn't you? And you'd be right. Let's begin. Anyone want to start us off or I have questions for all of you? I'll go first. Sure. Truth. Alright, here we go. Bello wants to do truth, does he?

Should I do dare? No, you already picked truth. Oh, right. Albie is sweating buckets right now. All right, you've got to be honest. You think I'm cool, right? I have to be truthful? You've got to be honest. If you lie, I'll know. I mean, for like a guy in a diaper, you're pretty cool. What's that supposed to mean? Well... Bello, be honest. You're in a day, man. I'm looking for a yes or a no here. Oh, you're not cool.

I'm not cool. I'm sorry. Ooh, that steams me. That's why I can't call you daddy. Ah, I see. Well, I appreciate your honesty. Bello, you have succeeded. Now do I get to... You can, or you can give it back to me, and I'll ask somebody else one. I'll give it back to you. All right. Any brave volunteers want to go next?

Stir fry wants to go. All right. That's one for stir fry. Stir fry, baby. Truth or dare. I first want to say I was refraining because I wanted you to go first, Mr. DeBonesby. The fact that you knew what I wanted just makes me feel so good and I'm so seen by you. He's a great man, Mr. de Boningsby. When you ask him to dare, you should be, dare to be great, and he'll do it with spades. Noted! I pick truth, daddy. I pick truth indeed. All right.

Stir fry, what's your least favorite thing about Mr. DeBonesby? Oh no! Oh no! Just a moment. Yes. I don't care for this question. Noted! Give him another one, diaper man. No thank you! Well, I guess my least... Well, you know what's funny? It's supposed to be just staring at you with completely blank eye sockets. Giving away nothing. Yeah, yeah, so I guess...

My least favorite thing about it, he's done so many great things for me in the past and continues to do so in the present and future, both days. I would say my least favorite thing about the Bonesby is... I'm going to tell the truth. You've got to tell the truth. Or we don't get too much money. Well, he's yet to show me how to fly. One of the many he promised me once we...

me to speak that I could fly. But I know that all these little things to do. I know it's on the list of things to do, so I'm just, I, I, I'm not, that, it's my least favorite thing because it only has happened yet, but once it has happened, it'll be one of my favorite things he's ever done.

So your least favorite thing is he hasn't taught you to fly. Mama mia, that's my answer, daddy. And you complain about that in much lower-stakes situations anyway. Well done. Thank you, Mr. Bonesby. Now I make you proud. Pretty good, stir fry, but not good enough. Now you've got to do a dare. I have? No, you did a truth.

Because I failed the truth. How did I fail the truth? Oh, you did the truth, but I didn't like it. And now I'm making you do a dare. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. So wait, if we play by the rules, but you don't like our answer or our execution of the dare, you're just going to make us do another one? That's absolutely right. Okay. Wait, do you think he lied? Do you think there are other things he doesn't like about DeBonesby? I don't think he lied. I just underestimated the depths of him.

I thought he was capable of something he isn't. It's your first mistake. And I will own up to it. I fucked up there. All right, I'll take your little dare, and I'll shoot it through the moon. You're going to shoot something because I want you to take this arrow and shoot one of your friends with it. Oh, my goodness. You've been officially dared. So if I shoot one of them with this arrow, then they have a crush.

Yeah, then they have a crush. How does the crush work? What do you mean? Well, we didn't see how Albie's crush manifested because apparently she already has one. Maybe it didn't work! Right, exactly. Sure. And Stir Fry, being a bird person, a canku, fell in love with a tucan in the trees, which was ineffectual, as the wild animal cannot return its affections. Right. How's it work?

Well, you look at somebody and you get a crush on them. All right. Simple as that. Happens all the time, actually. Anyone at all, eh? Anyone at all. Well, Daddy, looks like it's your day for love. What? I shoot you. You shot me. Oh, I don't like this. Not one bit. He's just looking at the ground. I was looking at the ground. Oh, that's good ground. Oh, I want to kiss that ground. I want to do all sorts of stuff to that ground.

Interesting. You can't avoid a gaze. You'll fall in love with something. That's right. I tried it on one guy. He closed his eyes. Fell in love with the back of his own eyelids. Awful. What happened to him? Why, he lived a long and happy life. His crush was always near him. That sounds great. It was pretty good. All right, stir fry, you did it. Anyone else want to go next?

Okay, I will. All right, Cordelia. Truth or dare? Truth. Cordelia, if you had to kill somebody here, who would it be? And why? Um... And you can't do me. Okay. I know you were lying. What about the toucan? Come on. You might as well kill me if you're going to kill her. Okay. Um, well then, probably DeBonesby. I understand. I look bonestrous. Well, no, I just mean he's already dead. Just my looks.

He's already dead. Oh, that's true. That's fair. He's an asshole. Oh, what? So that seems appropriate. No. Yes. What a common opinion. Yeah. Exactly, so, but I don't have to. Hmm, no, you don't have to. I don't know why I asked you as if giving you the option. Yeah, wait, maybe I could make you do that. I'm done. My turn is over. Well, not quite, because I didn't like that one either. I'm going to make you do dare now. Wait. Wait, I just want to, real quick. Yeah. You.

So the only answer you liked so far was when Bello said you weren't cool. Yeah. I need a guy like him to kick my ass every once in a while. Okay. I'm not afraid to talk tough. Okay. Bella's a straight shooter and I like his style. Bella, where did you get that candy? I don't know. It was here in this paradise. They're called sour belts, and it's something called a California delight. Oh. I've never. Sounds sexual. Yeah. All right, they're not paying us. Let's go.

All right, Cordelia, in your hand, you will now see a button. Awesome, yes! Well, there's more. You need to press that button. However, you have the option of not pressing the button. Here's what you know. If you press that button, it'll make you feel incredible. Oh. And... And what? And then if I don't press it? Then you'll feel normal.

Oh. So your choice is you feel normal or you feel incredible? So the dare is a gift with a rule? Yeah, yeah, I guess the dare is a gift with a rule. I gave you a button. But no command. Pardon? No actual dare. Oh yeah, I dare you to push the button. Oh no. Did you just give me a present? Maybe. Okay, I'm going to push it. Push. Great. Albie, can I have you roll a d6? Yeah.

Oh, no. Two. You take two damage. Feels pretty good, right? Yeah. Press it again. I dare you. No. No. All right. DeBonesby, can you roll a d6? Four. Ooh, you take four damage. My bones. Cordelia, how you feeling? Great. Is everybody feeling this? No. Yes, but bad. Feel worse. Wanna press it again, Cordelia? No, Cord. Hey, Cord. What? What? Maybe you're not noticing what's going on. What is it? That hurt physically for me. Oh. Yeah. The bones pushes it.

This is like that. Whoa! All right, stir fry. No, roll a d8. Two. Well, OK. Roll a d6. Roll a d20. 11. Yeah, you take 11. Yeah, you make a lot of damage. Oh, I feel so much better. We should all get in on this button. Wait, everybody stop pressing this button. Why? It makes you feel good. Wait, it makes any of us feel good? No, don't! I throw the button off the mountain. What? What's going to happen when that button lands? Oh, shoot. Is it still connected to us? It might still count as a press.

Wow you really fucked that one up Cordelia You threw the button off the mountain? Yeah. Ooh, that steams me good. You have wings. Why should that matter? I'm lazy. Oh. Am I going to fly down there and get it? Why not? It's a long way. You guys will wander away. Yeah, probably. Did anybody get hurt when I pushed it? It seems like it's fine.

Fine, Mr. DeBonesby, no harm done. Just a little pain is all, Mr. DeBonesby. Stir fry your eyes are bleeding. The pleasure you took from pressing that button was well worth whatever small amount of pain came my way. Fellow, heal him. I'm sorry. Are you smart enough to understand that connection? Me? Let's see. Yeah, roll an intelligence. Let's see. Eleven. Yeah.

11. And I have zero. I have plus zero for intelligence. OK, great. Yeah, you know what happened. Well, we can't be too sure. And thank you for checking. We are in a strange land after all. I appreciate that, Mr. Bones, before. If I had not known, I would have pretended to indeed, as you know well about my little mimicry. Lies. My little lies. I'm trying. LB is, like, pushing.

clumps of feathers back on to stir fry. They're popping up like, okay. All right, who's next? I'm going to cast Cure Wounds on stir fry. All right, go for it. Give it a shot. He's going to regain 10 hit points. Yay! Unfortunately, nothing happens. Whoa! What? No magic? That's right. You guys don't have access to your magic here. And I'll tell you why. You're in a dream world. That makes more sense than almost anything else. Is it all of our dream?

Pardon? Is it all of our dreams? Yeah, you're having a shared dream. Is this one of those things where if you die in the dream, you die in real life? It certainly is. That's the rule for every dream. It's the rule for the Matrix, too. Mr. Zimbarney, can I just let you know? Please! Mr. Zimbarney is my father's name. You can call me Zimbarney DeMilo. We're not related. Great. So...

You're not related? My first name is named after his last name. But you're not related? No. It's different in dreams. Okay. So here's the thing. Yeah. Just so you know for next time. Sure. When I asked you, how did we get here? Right. And you said, You woke up here? That was pretty misleading, wasn't it? Yeah. So just like next time when someone asks you that, just tell them right away. It's a dream world. Hmm. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. Do. Do it? Yeah. Roll a charisma check.

I'm stealing this. 14. 16. Okay, I will. I guess that would only be polite. Yeah. I guess there was nothing to be gained from not telling you guys this. Yeah. Okay, from now on, I'll be straight with people that they're in a dream world. Thank you, Zimbarney. You're very welcome. Who's next? Albie? What? Albie, all eyes are on you. Um... Truth or dare? Dare. All right, your dare is pick truth.

Whoa. I dare you to pick truth. I don't know, Albie, if you can't do it, that's okay. Don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. I'll do truth. All right. Truth. You're sure you want truth? Oh, no. No, I'm not. Sure. Well, you picked it. All right. If you insist on truth. Albie is like palming one of her darts. All right. My question to you is.

What if I change my mind? You change your mind? You want dare? Yeah. All right. Your dare is to pick truth. Okay, I thought maybe you'd cycle through a few options. No. Okay, truth. So, who's your crush? Um... It's a dream, so I think you can get away with it. Don't look at me. Why do you know things? I see the way you look at you. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I see the way you act. Um, my crush, uh...

It's on the same toucan that Sir Fry likes. I guess I also like animals. You what? Whoa. Yeah, I guess. That's messed up. Yeah, I messed up. That's my truth. She does. She told me. Albie, you broke one of the rules. No. I was very specific, although I was being intentionally misleading. There are only two rules, maybe three. I don't remember.

One of them, though, I do remember was, if you lie to me, I'll know. Okay. You lied to me. Maybe. And so now I'm going to give you a choice. You can either tell the truth. Uh-huh. Or everyone else in the party will take 10 damage. Oh, my God. What's it going to be, Albie? This is... You gonna protect yourself or hurt everybody? Maybe even kill them, I don't know. Stir fry, how many hit points do you have left? I'll die. I'll die. I'll be, I'll be.

I'll be fine if you want to do it. And then we can just go. Cordelia will live and Stir Fry will die and surely go to hell. Christian hell? Not Christian hell. That place sucks, baby. I want tree hell. Tree hell. Tree hell. It's a bunch of chainsaws. Yeah. That shit's badass. I think that shit's badass. I mean, I'm not in charge of it, but yeah. Tree hell isn't the one that's burning.

No, trees don't have a problem with that. You'd think, but they don't. It's a part of their life cycle to burn every once in a while. I thought Tree Hill was like a furniture showroom. Maybe that too. I gotta be honest, I was bluffing. I've obviously never been to tree hell. Wait, wait, you didn't tell the truth. What? You didn't tell the truth. Yeah, it's true. So that means that you have to do something that we want. I don't like that. And I'm picking it.

Yeah, but I don't like it. I'm picking it. Sorry, too bad. Those are the rules. You set them up and you have to follow them. Albie does not have to say who her crush is. Oh, thank God. Whoa, that's what you wanted to do? I thought you were going to hurt me. This is great. Oh my god, I got off of that easy. You had infinite power at your hand. Oh my god, it felt so good. It almost felt like the button. I do want to hurt you.

All right, Albie, you got off the hook narrowly. Oh, thank you, Cordelia. But using my powers of deductions, I'd guess that you have a crush on Frederick the Bonesby. What? What? What a pickle. Stir Fry said, I see the way you look at him. And it was either Frederick or Bellow. Don't be stupid. I don't have a crush on DeBonesby. I have a crush on... On what? Who? On what? Exactly. What do I have a crush on? Why our friend Flip Cup. Flip Cup's a baby, you pervert.

And so if being a pervert is a crime, then send me to jail. It is that I will. It's definitely a crime. All in good time.

This is definitely worse. Flipkump pops out of my little pocket, just looking around, because he heard his name. Cordelia, only you can hear him say, come, come! I made of cum! Oh. He's saying hello. My crush. Hello, crush. Yikes. Well... Well, that took a turn. And I want you all to know that I feel completely fine despite being insulted twice in this dream world. What a guy. Frederick, you're next. Thank you.

Frederick, truth or dare? Hmm, interesting. It doesn't seem to matter. I tell you what, it does. Oh, great. Truth. All right. Frederick, have you ever been in love? Yes. Oh my god! What? I used to be a person. I know, but you're just so cold. It's because I'm a skeleton man. Not physically. I'm saying emotionally. Am I the only one shocked by this? No, I'm shocked, but I'm also still recovering. Well, listen, it didn't go great. Oh. What happened? Oh.

God, let's see. That must have been 30 years ago. Or more. When you were in your 50s? Yes. I was approximately 56 when I first fell in love. Wow. I was in my fives. Before then, I was so consumed with study of arcane arts and such, as well as, you know, learning how to groom horses. But then when I was... Approximately 56, I met a woman who understood the world in the same way that I did. That we were the best of it.

We would take strolls. We went to an underwater kingdom. Wow. At one point. Did she also know how to groom horses? Of course she did! She was a woman of Station. What was her name? Station. Her name was Station? Yes, of Station. I wasn't allowed to know her first name. My God, we weren't married. I only knew her family name, Station. All right. Anyway, I loved her. She's probably dead. Probably?

Yes, probably. What happened? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Did you break up? I don't remember having to answer multiple questions about this tumultuous time in my youth. My youth? Albie wouldn't be straight about her crush so this is like the first juicy story we've gotten. I told him all the pertinent details and now I'm starting to feel something going over it and I want to retreat.

It's too late. I thrive on gossip. It's my life force. Oh, that's interesting. It's mundane to me. Did you break it off? Did she break it off? Yeah. It never really started, honestly. You went to an underwater kingdom? Sure, that was like a first date. Wait, was this an unrequited affection? No, no, no, no, no. She definitely felt that... Oh, yes. I respect your magical rules, and I will tell the truth. Yes, I believe it was unrequited.

If it was requited, she certainly didn't do the effort to requite. I want to change my answer. What? What? About who I'd kill. Oh, who would you kill? Bellow. No! No, no! Wait, wait, wait. Hear me out. Hear me out. I'm listening. I feel like you'd go straight to hell, but in a good way. Wait a minute. Why are we killing Bello? Well, he's a demon. Half demon.

Right? And so, like, you probably got family. You got family down there. I've probably got family in hell. If I were to go to hell, I would... That is a loaded statement. Just to be clear. So, you didn't change your answer because you suddenly found a soft spot for... You changed your answer because you just realized that if you were to kill Bello, he would go to hell or he just got family. They were connected. Chord. Come on, don't kill him.

Okay, I don't change my answer. Fine. Whatever. You're right. I did already die once. Yeah. Not a big deal. Okay. Unfortunately, Cordelia, I can tell you're lying. I can tell you would kill Bellow. Hey! And so when you said you didn't kill your answer, that's a lie. No, that's not, I wouldn't, wait, what? I think I got you on this one. And if I didn't, it's irrelevant. Because part two of the game is about to begin in five minutes after a quick bathroom break. Thank God.

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Sorry, sorry, Chris. I just have to check in. You sat down and thought of each of us and thought, what would a thoughtful gift for each and every one of us would be? And your answer every time was deodorant. Yes, well, because Mando deodorant is safe for the whole body. Pits, packages, feet, and Allie everywhere in between. Excuse me? How dare you? Don't talk to our friend like that. That's me, Allie Fisher. Well, I'm sorry. I don't mean to single her out.

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Yes. Tim, I've been slopping invisible cream down there since I was a kid. I love Mando so much, I actually bought more of it for myself after the freebies they sent me ran out. That is true. You gave us free gifts? You didn't buy us the gifts?

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It does smell like Mount Fuji. Your family and friends will thank you. So Tim, you play stir fry. You're the cook to my DeBonesby who enjoys your efforts. Exactly, who enjoys the efforts. Yeah, enjoys the efforts. In real life, I like to cook very much and don't have a bird servant.

No, you are a very good chef. You have cooked for all of us a few times now, and each meal has been not better than the last, but it's all been good. That's very nice of you to say. I swear to God I wasn't fishing for a compliment. But part of that is that I love to make cocktails. And I love to make cocktails for my friends. But I often find that it is a bit of an expensive hobby. You have to get a whole bunch of different spirits.

a whole bunch of different types of mixers, your syrups, your citrus, your herbs, perhaps, if you want. So I am delighted to have been handed a solution to this problem with Shaker and Spoon. which is a subscription cocktail service that helps you learn how to make handcrafted cocktails right at home. Well, this is really cool. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I mean, you say, Chris, you're already making handcrafted cocktails at home. Well.

This makes it a lot better because you basically get a subscription box and every box comes with enough ingredients to make three different cocktail recipes developed by world-class mixologists. All you need to do is buy one bottle of that month's spirit and you have... have all you need to make 12 drinks at home.

At just $40 to $50 a month, plus the cost of the bottle, this is a super cost-effective way to enjoy craft cocktails. And you can skip or cancel boxes at any time. And this is great because this is stuff like you'd only want to order this at a bar. You'd make a simple thing at home. If you had the opportunity to, but now you have the opportunity to make something so much cooler. And you who like to host, it means you can host us with special drinks that are better than what you'd want to make.

Better than what I'd want to make? Yeah, it's better than what you would want to make. I'll tell you what I want to make is these cocktails from Shaker and Spoon. Yeah. Invite some friends over, class up your nightcaps, or be the best house guest of all time with your Shaker and Spoon box. Get $20 off your first box at shakerandspoon.com slash rudemagic. And I swear you all need to do this or this.

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This NPC is very close to my voice. No. Weird. All right. I promised you a part two of this game. And it's going to continue now. Thank you for giving us that bathroom break. Sure. I just went where I stood. Okay. You won't believe what the waste of bones looks like. Now wait, we've got a second. What does it look like? What? What does it look like? Better yet, show me. Oh, I suppose I've got a little left in me. Do bones be delicately...

Bends his right leg at the knee, pulling his foot up into his bony hand, and he plucks his big toe back and squeezes out. a quarter inch of marrow, and then flicks it off into the grass. Roll a charisma check. You say so. Well, I rolled a 19, but I'm a negative 3 on that. Still pretty good. 16. It looked pretty good. Wow. I didn't think I'd like that, but I did. We'll talk later.

Very well. I'm usually very private about it, but it's a dream. That's right. It is a dream. I thought there would be a riff there. All right. We all stopped being chatty. Okay. So part two of the game. Part one was truth or dare. Part two. Spit the bottle. No. It's Crush Mountain. It's Crush Mountain. Let's spin that bottle. Cordelia, good guess.

It was a really good guess. I actually have something else prepared, but we've got time for Spin the Bottle. Everyone sit in a circle. Make room for me. No! He produces a bottle in his hand. The name of the brand on the bottle is what's this fucking guy's name? Zimbarney DeMilo Private Reserve.

It's empty. He sets it on the ground. Whoever wants to start us off, give us a spin. The rules are simple. Whoever it lands on, you gotta plant one on them. Well, to be fair, I think we should probably include the toucan and some earth. I love what you're saying. Oh, my God. All right, I'll create a little mound of earth where he uses his hand and he, like, creates a little mound of earth. The earth.

It has a really rudimentary face on it, and the face on the earth opens its mouth. Oh, I love you. Toucan, come over here. The toucan flies over and lands on the ground. Hello, my name is Debra and you can all introduce yourselves and what was your You look like a dream to me. Let's play the game, eh? As I said before, it doesn't have language. All right, who wants to spin the bottle first? Me.

Why you laugh at that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what I was expecting. Do you want to spin your fur? No. You coward? Did you just call me a coward? Yes, I did call you a coward. Do you want to fight me? I will fight you. I'll fight you. I'll fight you. Guys. No, this is good. Let them fight. Back to speck and call, eh? What did you just say to me? Yeah, fight!

I want to spin the little bottle. I am going to slap stir fry on the beat. Yeah, go for it. Yeah. What do I have to roll? Whatever you want. Oh, a natural 20. Oh, hell yeah. You hit him and it's the Daffy Duck. It spins around his head. I'm at your beacon call, bitch. Hell yeah. Albie, that was a good one. Thank you. Usually only I am in control of the harp, but the world harped for you. All right, stir fry, spin that bottle. Yes, daddy.

Nope, not the pen. Roll an eight-sided die. I got it all worked out. Four. Four. One, two, three, four. Cordelia! I just run. Ah, come on. Run towards the side of the mouth. I'll make it fine. Chill out. You're not the naked nameless toucan who also is naked in many ways. In every way. It's a wild animal! I came to the edge of the mountain and decided not to jump off of it.

Stir fries marching over like a little kid. All right, but I'm standing up to my full eight feet. Okay, I'll jump and I'll do another acrobatics trick. But I have a plus nine. And it's a fine. Plus nine. 13, right? 14. No, 14. 14. 14. You are going to be just shy. Okay, so I jump up and go, and then kiss the air around the chin. Okay. And I fall back down and slam on the ground. That was a large...

Wow. Your friend almost jumped off of a mountain to her certain death rather than kiss you. But I didn't. Let's go back. Anyone else want to spin the bottle? I think it's my turn. Cordelia's turn. Cordelia, spin the bottle. Okay. Wait. That's an eight-sided die. I think that's that one. Seven. All right. That's the toucan. You gotta do it!

Oh, dude. Oh, no. I feel like we're never going to get past this moment. All right. I walk over to the toucan. Sorry, stir fry. I sort of pick it up, but it's... Chest. What? By the chest? Birds are like scoop under it. Birds have like a chest with feet that come out. Oh, I see. It's like. I don't know what I was picturing, but it was bad. Birds have a chest with feet that come out of it? That's true. Yes, don't you go to college. Not anymore.

All right, so I scoop it up, and I'm like, is this okay with you? Oh, she can talk to animals. Oh, yeah, you can talk to animals. All right, here it goes. Eh, mademoiselle. Uh... I immediately... Would you be so bold to plant one on my enormous beak? I am more big than bird! Alright, I dropped him immediately, but... Oh! Merde!

More beak than... I don't actually speak French, so I don't know what that means. All is fair. But when he said he's more beak than bird, I thought that was kind of charming. So I pick him back up, and I give him a... And a kiss on the beak. It seems I have been struck by an arrow on this day. I pledge myself to you. What's he saying? Nothing. We are married. That's right. Did it ring? What's he saying?

We just got married. Wow. Congratulations. Oh, my God. It's a dream. Stir fry, it's a dream. I thought up until this moment, we assumed that Bird was a woman. I don't care. I love the thing. Very well. Neither do I. Okay. So we're married, but we're going back to this, so it's your turn, Toucan. All right. With my enormous beak, I will now spin the bottle. And only you can hear me say this, but here we go. Okay. That is a four. One, two, three, four. Oh, my wife!

I kiss my wife. Okay. All right. This is how you say honeymoon. Okay. Thanks, babe. All right. So I spin quickly. And get a two. Ah, a two. That's stir fry. This game is dumb. You are crushing it with the birds. This is so sordid. Bird rich, but money poor. A stir fry extends his little ring. All right. I kiss his B ring. Thank you. All right. This is going nowhere. I don't know. Someone got married. Can I roll one more time? I hope they try to again.

You can try, but I want to stress I did not plan for this part of the game. Maybe don't try. Five? One, two, three. That's Frederick the Bones for you. Now, we'll move on to the next part. No, no, what's rolled is rolled. You said we'd move on. Mr. Bonesby, I'm... Proud to kiss your feet. All right, well, it's happened before. Okay, okay, okay, that's enough. Wow, I really should have let momentum carry us forward.

Yes, again, he's done this before. I was looking out for all of you. He's like, not even registering. Mr. DeBonesby's feet. Yeah, DeBonesby's not even registering it. He's just like, you all wanted to see this. DeBonesby, I owe you an apology, which I will not deliver. All right. Moving forward, I have a series of... games we're going to be playing. Yay! Okay, but didn't you say that if we won Truth or Dare, you'd give us all that gold? I say a lot of things! Alright! Wait! Was it a lie?

What? Was it a lie then? Well, I'm still going to give you the gold. You just got to do these things too. Okay. All right, here we go. You're all suddenly transported to a completely different... location. Nah, a completely different location. Aye, aye, aye. What is this nowhere? It's a pretty bland, nondescript location. You are, I mean, look, it's a fucking field, man. It's like, you got sky, you got field. There are 12 people, all nondescript. They are tied to the ground.

They are tied down to the ground. It's definitely like we're outside. Yeah, we're outside. In a field, people are tied to the ground. It's like a Windows XP desktop background, plus people are tied to the ground. Yeah, it's a Windows XP desktop. We're in Northern California. Oh, like my sour belts. Why do I, why? No, this is a callback. This is good. Viewers love this. So you see there are 12 people tied to the ground. There is...

Nearby, there is one person tied to the ground. And there is a horse-drawn carriage. That's right. There is a... This is the carriage problem. There's a horse-drawn carriage speeding towards... The 12 people. Uh-huh. What do you do? I'm going to run after the horse. What do you mean? I'm going to try and kick the horse in the face and get it off course. No, that's not how this works. But that's what I want to do. Fine, go for it. Mr. Zimbarney? Yeah. No, Mr. Zimbarney was my father's name.

My name is Zimbarney DeMilo. We keep forgetting. Just call him daddy. No! He'll avoid the whole issue. I will never call a man in a diaper daddy. Wow, they don't have to live. Do we have our magic here? Excuse me? Do we have our magic here? Give it a shot. Okay, I'm going to try and wild shape into a horse. Wow, that works. All right, so you're a horse. Whoopty shit. What do you want? I gallop towards the carriage and try and get the horse off track. Okay. Roll a charisma check.

As a horse? Yeah, as a horse. That horse has a charisma of eight. If you beat it, you can charisma it. 16. Ah, you doubled it. A nine would have done. All right, so you charisma the horse off track. The horse is now, instead of heading towards the 12 people, it's heading towards the one person. Yeah, big win. Perfect. All right, is this acceptable to the group? Is the life of one person? Is that okay? Can't we just untie them?

I don't understand. You can certainly try. Okay. But time is of the essence. I run over to try and untie the one person. Okay. Roll a, uh, roll a dex, roll dexterity. Okay. Uh, 16. 16? All right, you got one of them. Okay. There's still 11 people tied to the ground. Wait, no, I was running to the one person. You should have specified. I did. Abby, why'd you do that? I don't know. That person was safe. Dude, you turned into a horse.

I can do that. What are you going to do? The horse is almost on the person. Are you going to let him die? This is on you. I wild shape out of the horse. Okay. And I yell to Cordelia. Talk to the horse. Oh. Hello, partner. Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush right now. Yeah, wait. I'm running forward to kill this person. Yeah. Did they do something to you? Yes, they did. Oh, it's probably still not worth it. Are you sure? Yes. You know what they did? No. They killed a thousand horses. They killed a...

I can't hear you. That's right, only Cordelia can hear me. Okay, guys. Is it fair? Is this fair? Wait. I'm getting closer and closer. That guy, Daddy. What's his name? Ah, hello. No, you said daddy and I responded. Great. Do we have to tell the truth here? No. Okay, so the horse might be lying, but that guy on the ground might have killed a thousand horses. Yeah, I'm fine with his death. No, that's not okay. What did you say?

You guys have 10 seconds. Bonesby saw, you know, the horse changing thing and thinks, oh, magical work. So he tries to cast sleep on the charging horse. Sure. All right. So he, he, he. throws out his magical dust at the horse, goes, sleep! The horse, theoretically, I rolled up to 35 hit points. Oh, for the horse? Would fall asleep. Yeah, the horse falls fast asleep. While he's like, no, this man, are you kidding me? And he falls.

He falls asleep, but the momentum of the carriage... He was pulling a carriage! He falls asleep, the momentum of the carriage keeps going forward, killing the horse. The horse explodes. This horse's blood pressure was off the roof. He explodes. A family of all children fly out of the carriage. Five a father child a mother child a father child

They're even younger children. They fly out of the carriage. They all fall onto the man who was strapped to the ground. They have very sharp heads, and they pierce him, killing him. The children are killed. The man is killed. The horse is killed. The person you untied is so shocked by this that they go into cardiac arrest and pass away. I got another person untied. I've never seen such sharp heads. Can you guys give me a minute? Yeah. Well, that was something. So.

I'm going to walk over to the one that Albie untied and put coins on its eyes. The coupon coins. Cool. Okay. And then I'm going to walk around to the horse, which is still of a face. Enough. Okay. I'm going to put coupon coins on those eyes. Sure. And then there's the guy who was impaled by a family of children. All right. I'm going to put. Let's go through one by one. Who do you put coins on? All right. I'm going to put coins on.

And then that guy's eyes. And then father child. Is it? Mother child? Is it? Father-mother, or what type of family is this? A father-mother and two kids, I believe I said. All children. Yes. All right, they've all got coupons for a diner in hell now. Great. Cordelia, what are you doing? Um, so it's a, it's a Sasquatch thing.

Hey, Cord, I think all these people tied up passed away in their sleep. Wait, wait, were these real people? Pardon? Were these real people? They absolutely were. No, they weren't. That sleep spell never works. This is absolutely a dream. The horse was asleep. The child family was asleep. Every single one of them was asleep. That's ridiculous. Horses can't sleep and they fall down. You're thinking of sharks.

Ah. It's my opinion that horses can't sleep. Horses sleep standing up. Right, okay. And I sleep upside down like a little bat. You sleep under the bed. I sleep under the bed. Moving right along. I'm going to put coins on all the other 11 people. Sure thing, I'll wait patiently. I have a question. Yes? Was there a... Point to all this. Good solution to... Seem to be a problem? Yes. What were we supposed to do?

I don't know. I wanted to see what you would do. Ah, well, we exploded a horse and killed several people. Pretty neat. Sorry, this has all been, like, fun, but you just told us that, like, these people died. That's right, they did. This isn't as fun anymore, dipe. This isn't as fun as... Dipe? I thought daddy was still on the table. Sorry, no, I was just looking at the diaper. Mr. Zimbarney? Nope. Demilo! Zim Bernie. We were on Crush Mountain. Does this field have a name? This is...

The field of crushes. Oh, makes sense. Did they all have crushes on each other? Is that why they were strapped down for some wicked little game that they like to play? What? Some people like wicked little games when they're strapped. Struck by the arrow of love. Unclear. You guys are all immediately back on Crush Mountain. Yay. Wow, you guys really screwed the pooch on that one, didn't you? I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'd rather play Spin the Bottle than watch...

80 people die again. It's too late. You're all part of my little experiment. Oh. Is this a dream? What? Is this a dream? This is a dream. Oh. Okay. I am a creature of dreams. I only exist in dreams. I thought the stakes got higher, but they didn't. I mean, I think they got higher. I think this is a well-paced adventure where the stakes get higher towards the end. People did die.

I sort of had a big reveal there about the experiment. You're all part of an experiment. Yeah, but it's sort of undermined by the dream thing. Yeah, but if you die in the dreams, you die in real life. Are you experimenting on us or someone else? I'm experimenting on you. But you only exist in dreams? That's right. And I sell my book in dreams. I'm experimenting on you for a little book I'm writing. I mean, what's the fuck? I'm sorry, oh?

a perfectly reasonable plot. But you did say no harm would come to us. I mean, you would have hated episode three and four, for example, if this is outside of the realm of acceptability. I mean, we're going to lose you in episode five for sure. What is this dream gibberish? I have no idea. It's nonsense. Anyway, I'm writing a little book about the nature of people.

Is Kretis in it? No, Kretis isn't in it. Oh, you should interview him. Maybe I will if he falls asleep. Has he ever fallen asleep? Yes. Ah, the man ain't no horse, baby. I absolutely hate you. What's the name of your book? It's called Zimbarney DeMilo. People are inherently bad. By Zimbarney DeMilo. Wait, does it have a comma after the name at the beginning as if you're reminding yourself? It's supposed to.

Anyway, I'm writing a little book on morality, and I needed all of you guys to prove that people are inherently bad. Is this all, like, you know, like, sort of shoddily? constructed pseudoscience or is this like peer-reviewed like you're you've got large sample sizes and like oh boy I'm glad you asked it was supposed to be peer-reviewed but my peers are a bunch of jerks That's why I wrote all the findings out in advance.

And I tried to grab people who were asleep so that they would confirm what I already suspected, which is that people are bad. And you guys did an amazing job of it. Well, wait a minute. That's confirmation bias. That's confirmation bias. Terrible science. It absolutely is, but I'll keep that part out of the book. You can't say that we are...

inherently bad. We wanted to save everyone. Oh sure you wanted to, but you didn't do it, did you? So intentions don't matter? Intentions don't matter. All that matters is the final result. Okay, I kick you in the face. Ouch! You kicked me! Yeah! But you shouldn't have done that, because this is dreams, and I'm a creature of dreams. I can transform into anything I want! He's sort of like Akira's out into like...

a much bigger version of himself. He's still the same guy. He just has, like, tentacles. He's this enormous, like, throbbing, massive guy. He still has his tiny little wings, though. And the diaper just, like, spreads out to a compass. Oh, my God. Yeah, no, this is how dreams usually go. That's right, this dream turned into a nightmare. And now I'm gonna kill you. No! What? Yeah, what do you mean no? I said no!

I mean, I guess you don't have to like it, but I'm going to kill you. You said that no harm would come to us. You said we were safe. You lied. You were safe, and now you're not. This keeps happening. What about the money? What about the money? Here you go. He spits it out. It all lands on the ground. Don't spend it all in one place. Impossible. What if... Unless it's like a down payment on a house or something. No, no. This is like...

I mean, we're set forever. Are we? This is like unimaginable. I'm not good with currency. He just said he was going to kill us. Oh, yeah. Yeah, whenever you guys want to roll for initiative. Oh. I see. I've only lost one love of my life.

I might as well die taking down a big asshole like you. 14. Okay. 10. 12. Albie starts a lot of fights and then rolls real low initiatives. Classic, like, bully. Bully? What? Six. Six? Wait, Bella. Eighteen. He will go last. All right, Bellow, go for it. Okay, he's going to, Bellow is just going to pull out his scimitar. Give it a shot. And he's going to swing at him. Well, let's see if he hits.

He does not. Well, let me know. Seven. Yeah, I mean, he has no armor whatsoever. He's just a big, like, exposed. You hit him, yeah. That's four damage. Okay, great. And he is swinging in the direction of the diaper. Okay, great. Oh, I guess the diaper's armor. We'll get into that later. All right, you cut the diaper. Ah, my diapy! That's where I go to the bathroom. Oh boy, I'm steamed and I will hurt you back in six turns.

All right, who was 14? That was me. All right, stir fry, go for it. All right, I'm going to take out my little crossbow. Uh-huh. I'm going to go, Daddy's diaper is about to be doo-doo-less once I break it up in the doo-doo fallout. What? You're gonna clean my diaper? What a low status taunt. Clean as a baby, daddy. Oh, boy. 16. Yeah, it hits. That is clean as a baby. And 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Wow, I was wrong to call you out for that. That hurt like hell. Where do you hit him?

You know like right where the diaper meets the skin? The diaper line? Yeah, the diaper line. Yes, I hit him in the- I got you right on the diaper line, dada. Oh, that's where my body touches my diaper. I don't like that. I believe Cordelia's next. Yes, okay. So I yell, husband to me! Ah, mi amor. I am not supposed to be in this place, but here I am. Okay, just wanted a kiss for luck. Ah, mwah.

You don't even like him. Sorry. All right, now go protect yourself. Aha, my wife. All right, and then I cast Burning Hands. Okay. So it's going to be... Incredible cone of flames. You have to make a dexterity saving throw against 12. Okay. He makes it. Oh, shoot. Half damage. Okay. So then 3d6, 1, 6, 7, 5, uh-oh, 12. So 6 damage. Okay. Great.

Ah, you burned me. Not liking the tone of this battle so far. All right, Frederick. I will wait patiently for you to go. Oh, no, sorry. It's Albie and then Frederick. Sorry. My apologies. Please go right ahead. Forgiven. I'm going to start by whipping my bo staff around, and I'm going to aim for his midsection, like for his ribs. It is a 14 to hit. That hits. Okay. La la la. Which dice is which? Six. Jesus. But that's not all.

I'm also going to do a flurry of blows. Whoa. And now that I've smacked him across the ribs with my bow staff, I'm going to whirl around and do a double roundhouse kick with my big old hooves. So the first one. They'll kick you. They'll kick you. Sorry, this is... I don't usually make it this far. Flurry of Blows is somewhere on here. It's on the front. Oh, it's on this one.

Okay, it's unarmed strikes. It doesn't matter. One is a seven to hit. That hits. And one is a critical fail. Okay, that doesn't hit. Okay, so I'm going to really whiff it for my last one. She looks cool until the very last hit. That's not the right dice. I need a four. Thank you. Two. So that was eight.

So you hit him in the ribs. I just described this. You hit him in the ribs. Yeah, so I hit him in the ribs with my bow staff and then I whirl around. Ah, my ribs! I whirl around with my left hoof and I jab him in the sternum. Ah, my sternum! And then I get a little, like, off balance. then I sort of overcompensate and do a cartwheel for the last hit. Weird last move. Boy, is your face red. My face is huge. Frederick DeBonesby's turn. You look cool until the last hit. Oh.

I have to say, I think that Cordelia's idea of lighting him on fire is excellent. I put my fingers together in a fan of flames! Shooting out! Hot as hell. I don't like that. What's it do to me? Well, I'll tell you what. Beat a 14 with your dex save and I'll tell you. That was a 13. Oh, I'm sorry. You take 11 points of... Burning agony right in your grill. You tell him, Mr. DeBonesby. You show him what's for. All right, you guys got to stop hurting me. No. No, no. Fair enough.

In that case, he's going to, an enormous tentacle sort of grows out of his chest. He's like, that's right, I'm going to take a swipe at every single one of you right now. Ew. And I'm going to, what are your armor classes? 16. 15. 11. 13. 13. And I'm gonna miss every single one of you! You hate to see it. Gross, though. All right. Well, 18. Bellow, your turn. Great. I'm going to cast Create or Destroy Water. All right.

So I create up to 10 gallons of clean water within range in an open container. Okay. I'm going to aim that at his diaper. Okay. We go with this. Just put him off balance. Give him a full dipe. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So. Bellow goes, try a full one on for size, Zimbarney. And then he casts. Great water. Okay, great. The water hits the diaper and he like cackles as he says like, as my diaper grows, so does its absorbency. What a waste of a turn. I feel dry as ever.

Wow. Great. It is great. I feel good. It's stir-fry's turn. Well, if you're full of pee, then allow me to relieve you of the poop. What? Wait, stir fry, what? Yeah, no, wait, what? So in mine, I was saying I was going to clean his diaper. Well, I was saying I was going to clean his diaper, and you filled his diaper. So I was like, you filled it, and I cleaned it up. All right, I'm like slapping myself trying to wake up. Wait, no, don't do that. Don't wake yourself up.

I need to kill you in your dream. I take out my cooking knife. Your butcher's knife? My butcher's knife, yeah. And I'm going to jump towards you and slice you on the tummy. Cool. Do you do like a symbol or anything? Like a Zorro? I'm doing DB for the bones B. It's very... Well, let's see if I can do it. Six. Plus seven. Thirteen. All right, you do the Dead Kennedys logo by mistake. And that is... Except for Donkey Kong. That's nine damage. Nine damage!

Oh, that hurts. And then I'm going to disengage to hide. Oh, where'd you go? All right, Cordelia's turn. Okay, so... I'm excited, and I feel like the Burning Hands thing was working, and then I got very excited by the fact that DeBonesby did it too. So I'm going to fuck up, and I'm going to cast Minor Illusion, but I'm going to cast a flame as if it's exactly the same. Okay. So, eat shit. Don't mind if I don't. Why would anyone want to eat shit? What is this? Okay, it's a phrase. So...

Right? You have to inspect it on your next turn, but it's not going to burn you. Okay, great. So there's just like a fire in front of him. Yeah. Wow, this sucks. There's a fire right in front of me. Albie, your turn. Okay. I'm going to go for another unarmed strike. Go for it. All right. So where am I situated with him? I'm like...

You're right in front of him. Nobody's behind him or anything. I'm going to do my first arm strike. I'm going to try to kick him right in the solar plexus. Okay. And it's a... 19 to hit. Yeah, it hits. Can I have your four? Oh, that's right there. It's a two. And then I'm going to, as a bonus action, roll under him and try to punch him in the kidney. Yeah, why not? All right. And that is a 13 to hit. Yeah, that hits. Okay. And it's one damage. Okay. Yep.

My solar plexus. You almost knocked the window. Oh, my kidneys. I use those to make pee. No, I don't. They don't make pee. What do they do? They clean the pee. Everyone's clamoring to explain it to you. My nice clean pee. I owe it all to them. And you hit them. Oh, I'm going to be aiming for you. All right. It's Frederick's turn.

All right, so Frederick heard that he was like, no, don't wake up. Yeah, yeah. So Frederick said, I know what to do. We must escape his domain. And I start playing Reveille on my rib bones like a xylophone. No, don't do that! Don't make the sound of an alarm! No, no! Sleep, sleep, sleep. He starts singing. Come with me. Stay asleep. It's a world of pure infatuation. Roll charisma checks.

Oop, that does not count. Oh boy. 18. All right, what are we? Modified zero. Modified zero? Six. Great. Nine. 15. Okay, Cordelia and Stir Fry, you start to feel a little different. He sort of starts to like fade out of reality almost. He stops seeming so big to you and like the real normal size guy that he was earlier. He starts to look like that instead of this.

main thing. Otherwise, nothing changes with any of you guys. Stop that! Stop trying to wake up! Stay asleep so I can kill you! No, he's a good argument. Friends, he ain't that big no more. Yeah! He's actually the same size he always was. This is some sort of... Dream. Well, yes, it is a dream. What's a dream within a dream? Yeah, well, dream this. And he shoots a tentacle up into the sky towards your toucan. No! Husband. I only have one husband. You can just...

He gets a three. You son of a bitch. What? Oh, wait, he gets a three. He gets a three. I thought he got three damage. Oh, no, no, no, no. He gets a three, so he completely misses the toucan. That's right. What's the toucan's armor class? Hold on, I'm taking a... Bonus action. I'm a legendary creature and I can do what I want. Damn it, I missed it again. Yay.

Yay, honey. If you try to wake up again, I'm going to kill your husband. You just tried. Yeah, but next time it's going to work. I just like super doubt it, but okay. Just stop trying to wake up. Bella, it's your turn. Okay, Bellow's going to go for his scimitar again. All right. And he rolled a 14. Okay. So that's a hit, right? And then he does four damage. Ouch. Yeah, I know how to use this blade. All right, go, stir fry. If you strike that toucan...

Well, you didn't strike. If you try to strike that toucan one more time, I'll clock you in the nose. Yeah, I'd like to see you try. Well, your lucky day is here, asshole. I guess I'm going to punch you in the nose. Yeah, go for it. He's normal size to you and Cordelia. I've never done an unarmed strike before. Well, give it a shot in front of a live audience. Wow. What do I roll for damage? Roll 20 to hit. We bet you not to do this. I'll use my knife. It's a game for children. I'll use my knife.

Oh, but, uh, ten. I got ten. Ten damage? No, ten to hit. Oh, yeah, ten hits. Okay. Then I'll do... The pyramid. Uh, two... Seven. Seven damage? Yeah. Great. Were you hitting him? In the nose. Like I told him I would. You cut his nose off. Whoa! I didn't like that. My nose is off. Jesus, man, that hurt. Try smelling the poop. Oh, wait, you can't because I've cleaned it up for you. Stop talking about poop. What's with the poop? We don't have to talk about it. Why is it putting it on your turn?

Okay, so while you're distracted, while that's happening, I'm like, babe, babe, babe, babe. Ah, yes, sir. Oui. Okay, go hide under that mound, and I'm going to cast an illusion so it looks like the earth is falling in love with him. Whatever it is for you. Although it breaks my heart to imagine myself in love with another. Just picture...

Him as me. Whatever you say. Okay, get under there. I am under there. Okay, so he's like under the dirt, and I'm going to cast an illusion that makes it look like there's a face on the earth. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I can do a voice coming out of it. but give it a shot okay um so like hey so you're like throwing your voice to do this yeah all right yeah go for it okay hey daddy i'm daddy

It's me, the Earth. What? It's me, the Earth. Yeah, I see you. What's going on? I didn't know you could talk. I just expected you to be much more interested. I am interested. I'm just fighting these guys. I've got to kill them so that I can sell my book and not get in trouble. Oh, wouldn't it be so much more fun if we just hung out? We will hang out. And we'll hang out with the book sale buoying us. I love your dreams. They're great, aren't they? Anyway, I gotta get back to this fight.

Um, no. I'm only here for one second. No, I gotta, we'll talk later. What do you mean you're here for one second? No. Why would you get in trouble? This is a DM question. What are you doing here? I'm trying to get him to be, like, interested and disengage.

Oh, okay. To be like, he has a crush on the ground, right? He got hit with a crush arrow? Yeah, no, okay. But why is your husband involved? That's what threw me off, was what's the toucan doing there? I think he was like under it. It's a mix of like practical effects. And like computer animation. It's like Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings. It made sense to me, which is weird. I don't know. The toucan's like puppeteering the earth.

Yes, no, I see what you what you're saying is this is very cool. I want to get on board with it. I just had no idea Okay, that's what's happening. What, baby? What are you talking about? Yeah, just let's have a picnic. We will have a picnic. Don't you know I love you? I'm... It's urgent. Urgent? Yeah. More urgent than me killing these guys so I don't get in trouble? Definitely. You sure? Positive. Roll a charisma check, mound of dirt.

I love it when you call me that. I got a 10. Give me like two minutes. No. Can you give me like two minutes? I mean, you say urgent, and I say two minutes is pretty urgent. I feel like, wait, I have a question out of game. How many rounds is two minutes? Two minutes? It would be so many. These are six second rounds, yeah. 20 rounds. You're going to lose me!

What? You're gonna lose me if you wait. No, but you're my smush. What's more important to you? You or these guys? Yeah. But I hate these guys. Well, I hate that you hate them. But I love you. But then it sounds like you should stop. Can we hear all of this? Everyone can hear everything. Are we just stopping? What's going on? Baby, you're embarrassing me in front of my enemies. I'm sorry. Well, you're forgiven. I'm just letting you know how I feel. Okay, well...

I have feelings to take into account too. Right, and I just, you can't, how can I take yours into account if I don't also speak up for myself? Okay, Cordelia's like, what is happening? Bella has sat down. I'm losing status by the second. Me too. Well, I don't want that for you. Look, let's just all...

It's Crush Mountain. That's right, it's Crush Mountain. This is where we met. It is where we met. All those minutes ago. Our first date was here. First date? What are you talking about? We could get married here. Married? Stir Fry starts crying. You want to marry me? Yeah. But where? Who would officiate? I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.

You guys would do that for me? Of course. Yeah, you just have to pick a best man. A best man? Yeah. Stir Fry licks his hands and starts moving back his feathers. He looks at Stir Fry. Freddy, baby, will you do it for me? Will you let us wake up when you're done? I'll let you do anything. I just gotta marry this amount of dirt. Very well. Yes. I am your best friend. I love it.

We got nine minutes to have a wedding. Okay. Okay. Hold my hands. All right. I will. Who's officiating? I am. His form, his massive Akira form drops, and he's just his normal self, and he's holding the hands of the mound of dirt. We really doing this. Yeah, I can't believe how crazy we are. DeBonesby stands behind Zimbarney and just pats him on the back with his bony knuckles and says, hey man, you got this.

Thanks. Albie, come be my bride of honor. Oh, I'll be your bride of honor. My bride of honor? Bride of honor. And I'll be the guest. Ten rows on both sides of pews instantly appear, and there's like a reserve for stir fry sign on the back row. He marches like a little gentleman up to the row. Okay. All right, are you both ready? Yes. Wait, do you want music for when you go down the aisle? Of course I do. I don't care. Okay. I take out my pan flute. Oh. Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot. Toot, toot.

Alright, whatever. Let's do this. Let's have a wedding. Wait, did you want your father here? No, I hate that guy. We're not even related. DeBonesby starts playing I Can't Help But Fall In Love With You on his xylophone ribs. Oh, yeah, great. All right. Zimbarney. That's Demilo. There we go. That's my name. Don't wear it out. Will you have this mound of dirt to be your husband or wife? I don't know what gender the birth is. I don't care. Me neither. Will you love them?

comfort and keep them, and forsaking all other remain true to them as long as you both shall live. This is a DM question. Joe, what website do you have up? It's just... Joe's looking at, like, easyparson.com. Not the easyparson.com I know. It's minted weddings, traditional wedding vows. There we go. Nice. I had the choice of this or the Baptist wedding vows. No, no, no, no! The mound of dirt's like, no, no. I do. Great. Mound of dirt. Yep.

Will you take Zimbarney DeMilo to be your partner? Husband, I guess. Will you love him, comfort and keep him, and forsaking all other remain true to him as long as you both shall live? 100%. You gotta say I do, baby. Okay. I do. Great. Wait! It's the part where if somebody has an objection, right? They've got to stand up. Actually, most ceremonies don't do that part. Well, mine's no ceremony if it doesn't have it. Okay. If anyone...

If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace. Everyone looks at Sir Ryan. Seems like a nope. Baby! Starfry, what are you doing? What? What do you mean? All I mean is... Are you sweet for me? Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure, I'm sweet. I lost the voice. Yes, I'm sweet for you. Unless you're, if you're really, really sure you'll marry the dirt, I'll go my own way. Of course I am. I have no feelings for you. In fact, I said I hate you. Great.

Great, let's steal it with a kiss and be done. All right, and now to kiss this mound of dirt. All right, I feel like Minor Illusion's done by now. Or, I don't know, I guess you have to inspect it, so no. Well, this is going to be an inspection. Okay. Here we go. You may now kiss each other. There we go. And a three. And a one. And a two. And I know what to do. And he leans in to kiss the Mount of Dirt. This does the minor illusion now. It dissipates at this point.

What? You're kissing my husband. You're what? Yeah, that's right. I'm over here. This person. What the hell happened here? Zimbarney, this is the juiciest gossip of all. No. Smooshing someone else's husband at your own wedding? Wait, but no! Unbelievable! I guess how can you say people are bad when you're so bad yourself? This is malarkey! I've been bamboozled!

Nope, it seems a lot like your book really is about yourself, and that's why your name is in the title. No! Twice. No, my name's in the title because I have a massive ego. It's not a study. It's a memoir. A memoir about how you are kissing it. Yeah, stop nosing around and other people's crushes. It's private. No, it's not. It's public.

No, you're okay. I was trying something. You're right. Fine. Crushes are private. All right. Give us our gold and let us wake up. Fine. Take the gold. But I warn you, it's dream gold. God damn it. Which is of equal value to real gold. right? Sure, if you could somehow get it to wake up. Wait. DeBoseby casts charm on like The closest man of gold he can see. What would that do? I'm using dream logic. No, I mean, I just want to see what is charming. All right, so he does the intricate...

finger movements and such and shoots an invisible ray of energy at the pile of gold and he says, my friend, wake up with me. Wake up with me, friend. This is so sad. One of the gold coins stands up and says, Hiya, big boy! Let's leave this place together. You and me? Yes. Alright, let's hightail it out of here. Let's hightail it out of here.

Let's go. All right, you and me. Hop in my wig. A single gold coin and you. I was hoping for more of your friends, but I'm glad to have you. All right, get out of my realm. Wait, husband. What? I'm not your husband. I'm not looking at you. Oh, sorry. As I said, I have a huge ego. I'm looking at you. Yes, mademoiselle. Where do you live? Where will you wake up?

I do not wake up. I am a creature purely of dreams. Oh, man. I cannot wake up. Oh. Would that I could. Yeah. But in many ways, I will forever live with you, won't I? I am a dream of the perfect husband. Definitely. Let me guide you in all of your future dating endeavors. I would love that.

Well, it is the only option I have. Okay. I am bound to dreams. I was born here and I will die here. Is he saying that he likes me too? Yeah, so Cordelia, you're just like squawking back and forth with this bird. Oh, yes, they are not aware of this subplot. No, not at all. All right, we'll go now. Yeah, stir fry. Yes? He likes you too. Gorgeous thing, the toucan. Okay, wait, back up. Yes? Just be cool. Yeah. No. No.

Gorgeous thing, the toucan. Everybody be cool. I'm banishing you from this realm of dreams forever. Good. Bye. That's right. You're all going to wake up? And you're not going to remember anything that happened here. Oh, wait. You've got five seconds. If you have anything on your chest, you might as well get it off now because you won't remember. I did have a crush on Bellow. What? Oh, no, we're still sleeping. Oh, my God.

Whoa! I did not see that coming! You egged me on! You practically egged me on! I really did! Wake us up! And I hold my hands up What? Wake us up. What's the hands? I'm a magic user. Oh, okay. All right. You're all awoken. You awake in a familiar place.

Oh, this looks familiar. Well, to do what a horse cannot to awaken. A lovely thing indeed. Hello, friends. How was all of your slammers? Wait, what do you mean horses can't awaken? No, I've actually... It's something I say every time I wake up. I've heard that. You guys want breakfast? I'll make you all some breakfast. I hop out of my sleeping bag and go out of the... And we'll call it there! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Branson Reese! Joe Lepore! Trim Tim Platt!

Fisher and Chris Hastings. I'm Taylor Moore. Thank you for visiting Fortunate Horse. We'll see you next time with more Rude Tales of Man! That was a HeadGum podcast. Did you know you can opt out of winter? With Vrbo, save up to $1,500 for booking a month-long stay. With thousands of sunny homes, why subject yourself to the cold? Just filter your search by monthly stays and save up to $1,500. Book now at verbo.com.