Down for the Count

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ah, there you are, traveller. Come inside and hang up your coat. put your feet by the fire and I shall bring you what you so desperately seek rude tales of magic Previously on Rude Tales of Magic, your school, Polaris University, was wiped off the face of the earth due to a sorority ritual gone wrong.

You were the only remaining students. You were quickly greeted by a floating demon lord named Strayed Plances who commanded you to leave this place. You put up a little bit of resistance, but ultimately you realized you were outmatched and... You left, but not before he killed your friend. Now the remaining members of your party wander through the teenage woods. You've been walking for a few hours now.

The sky, already overcast, has begun to darken, and the dense emerald green foliage, heavy with moisture, covers the sky. You feel the mud and the ferns beneath your feet as you walk on through the verdant forest. Earlier you were... talking. You were amped up from the fight, but after the last few hours, everyone's sort of cooled down and things have grown pretty silent. Frederick walks up to Albera. I have a question. Yes? For who?

You ladies. The demons seem to make an insinuation that some sort of... Oh, I know what you... Prayer or spell or... Ritual. Ritual, fantastic word, was used to summon him, which caused the entire university to disappear. Yeah. To be fair. To be fair. That is true. We've done this. Yes. I feel like we've done this ritual a few times and we've never. I'm going to throw it out there maybe eight times. Yeah. And we've never disappeared a whole school.

No, not that we know of. Not that we know of. What was your question? Is this your fault? Oh, yeah. I think so. I think so. Yeah.

Fantastic. What do we do to fix it? Well, I mean, classic call. Classic call to the journey, right, Hiro? Journey where, dear? Here we go. Journey where? Wherever this adventure takes us. I mean, right now we're in teenage woods. The where might have come to us. Yeah. We are in a new where. Do you guys want to go see my house? Where's your house?

Oh yeah, her mom makes great food. She makes so much food. It's just always sitting there. It's like farther into the woods. But you know where. Yeah, I know where I live. We're not utterly lost. No, I don't think so. I mean, like... It looks the same outside. It looks the same outside. Because we could go back to my frat house. Yeah? What's there? Well, uh, beer? No. But also shelter? No. Okay. No.

I mean... It's pretty dope. We won't be going to the frat house. Okay, but sometimes they're a cool thing. It doesn't have to be like so much judgment, Mr. DeBonesby. Oh, no! We just won't be going. All right, let's just take a vote. This is exactly like our conversation. Friday night. No, I agree with you. Let's take a vote, right? Whoever wants to go see the Dawn household, and hopefully my parents are not there but left food out, raise your hand. Aye. Aye. Then also aye.

You ruined a beautiful harmony. Wait, no, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I was saying I because you said I. So it was sort of just letting you know that I am taking my cue from... Don't you like to sing? Well, yes, but... We were doing a beautiful harmony and you ruined it. No more talking. I'll go, too. Oh. Oh. Wow. Okay. Um, cool. So... I mean, like, if you think your mom has room for me.

Oh, God, I mean, it's just like a revolving door, if that was a reference I could make. Let's go! Oh, yeah. Uh, yes, uh, let's go!

spin around in your personal space. You guys have formed a circle and almost right next to you a tall, dark, gaunt figure stands. He's surrounded by mist. And he's like almost silhouetted in the overcast gray sky and trees above him. He is a... tall, dark figure. He has slicked back, dark hair, sort of like sunken eyes. He has like dark circles under his eyes. He's extremely pale. He's gaunt and he's sort of like shaking.

a little as he, he's dressed in the fine clothes of a noble though. And he has like a long cape. And he, he sort of like, you all wheel over and look at him and he like reels back in shock. What? What's up? Oh, I think you must have misunderstood. It's just going to be like the... Five of us. Oh, is this a closed meeting? Also, where did you come from? Oh, but I... Okay, it's a great question. Okay, so I'm so confused as of earlier of what is happening. I am, uh...

I'm looking for a meeting. I am thinking it is Friday, yes? Oh, yeah. It's like 7 o'clock on Friday. All the clocks disappeared, but yeah, it's around 7. Clocks are gone? Well, the whole school disappeared. Okay, it's like, we can all assume it's reasonably close to 7 o'clock on Friday. Hey, it's 7 o'clock somewhere, my man, right? It's 7 o'clock.

It's 7 o'clock right here, I am thinking. Okay, yeah. Somewhere is right here. You were saying 7 o'clock somewhere. I'm getting stressed out. Do not have a watch. Okay, look, I'm not saying we are needing to know exactly, but it's generally 7 o'clock. Yes, yes, it's 7 o'clock. Okay, great. I asked a simple question. I get complicated, Dan.

I didn't say anything complicated. Okay, well, I am chastising group as a whole. Okay, anyway, we're going to go. Wait, wait, are you with me? Is meeting closed? Can I am of attendance? What meeting do you think this is? Are you friends of Bethel? Who? Who? Okay, no, I am seeing what this is. Okay, Count Ivan is making a big mistake. He has apologized.

Count? You say you're count? That's nobility. Friend, we should probably listen to this man. The more noble, the better, in my personal opinion. Isn't that right, Mr. Bonesby? That's a real philosophy. What? I'm sorry, the Bonesby, you say? Yes, hello. You are of the Bonesby's? Yes. You are of the Bonesby's? Yes, of course. What are you doing in this area? I've come to go to school. Wow, fantastic. Good luck with that.

You are the, that is fantastic. You are, I'm sorry, I'm not, I'm like having trouble placing face of yours. I know the Bonesby's. Oh, yes, mine melted off in an incident. Oh, that is how I am not knowing you. I am seeing and now you are having skeleton face. Oh, you are a bones face. Ironic. You love it, right? It's good? We like this? We not like this? What is temperature of your face?

You know, I'm trying to figure things out about how to best present it. Sure, sure. I don't know if we mentioned this, but I'm currently wearing a giant powdered wig. Oh, yeah. Go ahead and describe physically. Oh, yeah. Bonesby wears really nice clothes and is always trying out different wigs and rouge makeup, different sunglasses. On his cheekbones.

fake eyeballs. He's got some issues with his presentation. Right now he's wearing a, he has a very tall powdered wig that he's wearing. Does DeBonesby see right now through like empty sockets? Yes. Okay. It's magic. Yeah. Okay, wow, yeah. No, I'm loving wig situations. Thank you so much. Very exciting. You don't even have to roll for that. You can just, like, tell.

clear to the naked eye, that this man before you is dressed very similarly to Frederick de Bonesby. You're not recognizing me. I'm you. I'm so sorry. Are you... Are you...

I'm Count Ivan Gretzky of the Gretzkys. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We are sworn to you! Ah, of course. I mean, we are a lesser house, but we are house, man. Oh, that's so good. I haven't actually, you know, I haven't been at the house in so long. Well, that is what we are having in common. I have not been at the house for so long for either. So, um, uh...

What does that entail? Your house won't mine. I haven't looked at the paperwork in age. What are you asking specifically? What's our relationship? Oh, wow, you are really... You're not even doing with niceties, are you? You just do not know me. Dude, he's like one of your bannermen. Oh, fuck. Yeah, no, I am Batterman to you. Oh, you're him. Yeah, when the Bonesbys go to war, the Gretzkys, they are first in battle. That is our house motto. It's first in battle. And you're the Duke.

No, you're the count! The count! I am the count! Yes! Count Ivan Kretzky! Ivan! Yes! I still don't remember you. I'm so sorry. That's fine. It was clear. It was extremely clear from your behavior that you do not remember me. Yes, I have a fine... I am looking a little different than...

Probably, if you had, you know, I am one, I'm probably a little old for you, too, actually. What is your age? You are forgiving me, I'm having a tough time. No, totally understandable, totally understandable. I'm having a tough time placing you. I'm 92. Oh, 92. Okay, I am seeing why this is... We are not two ships at night, okay. But different nights, because I am 146. Yes, you appear to have been vampirized, yes? Okay.

Okay, it's open secret now. Listen, I'm a skeleton man, baby. Yeah, no, okay. It's a thing that is a shame for me, and I am made to leave. No, no, no, no. I am vampire, you are correct. Oh, cool. You have the accent. Yes, it's true. I used to have different accents. I got bit by a vampire. He pumped the accent into me through my veins. And I cannot get it. I can never be clean, no matter what.

I am looking for meeting. I am thinking of time right now. I know I need to go. My feet are smart, and they know I need to go to meeting. What meeting? Well, I'm not supposed to say. Well, you said Friends of Bethel. Yeah, Friends of Bethel. Oh, I thought it was Beth. I thought you were talking about Bethany. No, we don't know. He doesn't know her. I was like, yeah, but I'm going to wait this out. Is Bethany just like his schoolyard chum of yours? Yeah.

graduated two years ago so i graduated from where you go to school where are you where is your school polaris university i am not a hearing of this you've never heard of it never have it crossed my ears What do you... Well, I know what's happening is I am going to a meeting. I know I have to have a meeting in this area around this time. A few hours ago...

I am feeling very confused, feeling like I need to lie down, feeling like I do not have enough blood, which I know I don't. But I am getting his meeting around here. Am I in the wrong place? Do you see friends of Bethel? What kind of friends and what kind of person is... I'm not supposed to talk of it if you're not... Well, are you not the banner person of my... Good Mr. DeBernsey right here. Oh, actually, I'm not the banner person of Gretzky. I was kicked out of Gretzky house.

So I voluntarily get bit by vampire because I'm sick and I'm going to be dying soon. I figure I'll extend it. I mean, look at me now. I'm good as ever. But I say I allow vampire to bite me in my neck. He does it.

I turn into a vampire. I go to my family. I say, look, I'm not dying anymore. And they get a horrified look on me. Yes. You are as good as dead to us. Oh, no. Because of your look and your lifestyle and your manner. Basically, the way you're supposed to act and how you're supposed to treat others. Well, my desire for blood. Exactly. like losing his soul.

It's controversial in the Empire community if you lose soul or not. What is soul? Can you hold soul? Did you guys just like book meeting space at the university? Is that why you're here? You keep saying university. I'm not knowing what this is. So like up to... like four three or four hours ago there was a large university right here with

you know, a bustling student life. Right here? It was multidisciplinary, yeah. Polaris University. It's new? It's brand new school? It's very old. Very old school. Yeah, it used to go by another name. Lexicon Matters school. Have you heard of that? Lexicon Matters school. Maybe I've heard of Lexicon Matters as infamous person. Yeah, he wanted the ultimate Dunny experience of eating his daughter. Oh, yes, I know of this.

He's the guy who wants to eat his daughter. I am not so hot on this. Wait, what did you say? What? He's the guy who wants to eat his daughter? who wanted to eat his daughter. He did it. No, it's not a past tense prayer. You are barking up wrong tree there. It's not that. But yes, definitely Ted Bundy vibes. There are so many meetings at this university, so if you gave us more information about the meeting the other day, perhaps we could help you. What I'm telling you is I do not remember.

meetings. I'm saying I know I must go to meetings. I know I haven't worked out in schedule. I had goal hours ago and now I have been lost and confused. And I'm wondering if you are meeting? If I have meeting here? I think we've made it incredibly clear that we don't know what your meeting is and we're just here. Okay, well, some of these meetings, if you guys are not in club.

No. You're not friends of Bethel. No. It would be incredible if we could pull off a lie at this point and tell you. No, we're not.

I mean, you can try. You can try to roll a deception check and see if it goes over my head. Okay, let's try it. I have given you nothing to make you think I am a smart dude. I will roll a deception check? Yeah, go for it. 20. You got a natural 20? Yes. Okay, well. Let's hear what you do that automatically works to break my mind. Wait, did you say friends of Bethel or friends of...

Beth. Oh, I say friends of Bethel. Oh, my mistake. You weren't hearing friends of Beth. My mistake. We all thought, I winked to everyone, that you were saying friends of Beth. But friends of Bethel... Stirfry, there's something in your eye. Yes? Don't. There's just something in your eye? Yes, what is it? Oh, it's... I don't... Yes, yes. Oh, I don't see it anymore. Okay, thank you. We are actually from Friends of...

Beth, we are. So we are that very group that you were looking for. And so perhaps we can now find something for our own benefit, which is perhaps a place to rest. Yes. Mm-hmm. Okay, so... We have meeting here, and then I give you a place to rest. Yeah. Great. Let's do it. Let's have the meeting. That is what has to happen now. If you are friends with Bethel, we have to have our meeting. Yeah, and I'm Bethel. You're Bethel? Yeah. Hold the phone! Uh-oh! Wait, what's a phone? Uh-oh! Shut up!

Guys, does this vampire seem very anachronistic to you? Okay, look. Okay, look. The genie knows who Groucho Marx is. You just got to roll with it. Makes Jack Nicholson impressions. It's fine. It's okay. You are Bethel? You are long dead founder of secret society? I look over at stir fry for any indication of... Yes. No, this is not part of that role. This is a new fuck-up. You sit in this one now. You are the long-dead founder of a secret society for people with addictions? I'm, uh...

I'm looking back at stir-fry. Say the secret words. Say secret words of society you founded. Bethel, Bethel, Bethel. Oh, fuck no. That's Bethel, Bethel. Come on. No, you know what? Roll for that. Roll for that. Nine.

Nine? Nope. Okay. I see through this. This is bullshit. Give me the strength to be good. Just trying to be good! Trying. And trying? And the... Peace? To... Except. I don't, why am I letting it go? You were wrong from beginning. It begins with serenity. It doesn't have strength as last part. And serenity. No, too late. Too late. You guys have fucked up big time.

If you guys are not in group, that means I have no allegiance to you guys. And you guys are pumped full of blood right now, which I am of starving nature for. Can I cast charm person? You can fucking cry, but I am pissed off right now, guys. You messed with the serenity prayer. You have to beat a five. I have to beat a five. I got a 14. Ooh, he's got that serenity, baby. Close, but you just squeaked by. You know what? I have been granted serenity to suck your blood! No!

Wait, wait, wait. What? Wait, wait, what? Wait for nothing. Roll for initiative. Wait, sorry. No, we just didn't. We also didn't understand. What do you mean you didn't understand? I thought that was what you wanted. I thought you wanted. We're the friends and family of people who go to the friends. Are you pulling an Al-Anon on me right now? No, the initiative check has begun. Everyone roll for initiative.

Bello, you can go first. I'm going to pull out my scimitar. Okay. And I'm going to take a swing at this old vamp at 21. Yeah, that hits. And I say, we were just trying to be friends. Okay, he has no time to respond because it is Stir Fry's turn. Okay, so I'm going to take out my little crossbow and fire it at him. Okay, that hits. I'm going to say to him something like,

Direct hit. Not bad for a friend of Beth, bitch. Okay, it's friend of Bethle. If you're going to riff with me, do it right. That's what I was saying. Okay, well. Oh, you were fucking with me. I was fucking with you, nasty freak. Oh, nasty freak? Yes, you nasty freak. Jesus Christ. Okay, well. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, you praise your own beheader. We know Christ in this world as well as we know Christ. We know Meowth, we know Christ in this world.

It is Cordelia's turn. He sort of like, he like takes that in and he sort of, he like rises above it. He sort of like maturely agrees that like stir fry sort of embarrassed himself a little bit there. It's Cordelia's turn. I want to fight you last. Okay, so I still think I have bubble magic, so I'm going to cast a bubble around you, which is a minor illusion, and you have to do a saving throw. No larger than a five-foot cube. How tall is this guy? He's like about 6'3".

It's around your head, then. Great. You make a bubble around his head? Okay. That's what you do? Yes, I do. And you have to use an action to examine it. And then the creature can determine it's an illusion with a successful intelligence check against my Spell Save DC. It is now Frederick the Bones Beast's turn. So he's got a bubble around his head, and Frederick strikes. All right, I'm going to cast Burning Hand.

So if you make a dexterity save to beat a 14. Oh, baby, 20 with modifier. All right, so I make my hands into a fan shape, and I... Blast out. Hot fart. Oh no! It is now Count Ivan's turn. He is going to make an unarmed strike. Stir Fry was the rudest to him, so he's going to make an unarmed strike on Stir Fry. Stir Fry, what is your AC? 15. Okay, it's going to hit. Fuck. It's going to do seven damage. Jesus Christ. So I have nine hit points. Now you have two hit points. My chef!

Friend, Mr. Bonesby. Friend, but there's still gumption in me yet. I'll still take this nasty one out. So I have a multi-attack. I'm going to do the second attack on Frederick. This is for not remembering me! He misses. Ah! So he's like, ah, fuck! Okay, well, now I wave my throat. I chatter my teeth away. Um, I am going to, um, swing at him with my bow staff.

Yeah, go for it. I'm going to go right for the old bod. Oh, yeah, that hits. And then a one damage. So I swung at him with my bo staff lengthwise, and now I'm going to do a little spin kick at him. And I say, call to action! And it's a 12.

Oh, that's pretty, okay. Uh, that hit him pretty bad. So the first, the Bo Staff, like, hits him just, it, like, hits a finger or something, like, stubs his finger, almost, it's like, oh, fuck, son of a bitch, like, oh, Jesus Christ! And then you really hit with the call to action thing, and where do you hit him? Um, I hit him right in the sternum.

Okay, yeah, so he's just... Fuck! It's Bellow's turn. Great. Bellow pulls out with his other hand his quarterstaff and says, Your organization should be accepting of newcomers! And then I go to strike at him with my quarterstaff by, like, hitting the same spot Albie did. Just trying to, like, stake him. I'm also hoping that there's, like, a red hoofprint.

Yeah, you can leave a red horse shoe. You can't see it. It's like he's wearing fine clothes, but like on his pale like body underneath. Yeah, you've left like a red hoof print. Oh, and that's a five to hit. And that's going to miss.

Yeah, but I said a thing that was cool. And it hurt his feeling. You definitely, like, that found purchases. My hope was that I made him think. You did. You did make him think about his relationship to this organization and how it treats newcomers. It is Stir Fry's turn.

Uh, Stefania's, like, walking backwards, uh, with a, like, sort of limping backwards, but he's got his crossbow, he's taking advantage of his arms. Well, try this one on for size, my bloody gentleman. And then we'll do a crossbow at you. But I'm going to say that line again because I think everyone wants to hear it again.

Try this one on for size, you bloody gentleman. Can we just get a little more coverage on try this one for size? Sure, sure, sure. Try this one on for size, my bloody gentleman. Cool. I think we might just keep you a little after to get different takes. Taylor says no. Oh, no? Two more. Two more. We're going to nail it. Try this one on for size, my bloody gentleman. Well, that was the one, but let's do one more just for safety. Just for funsies. Go nuts.

Try this one on for size, my bloody, bloody gentleman. Oh, too bloody. Oh, that was good. Okay. Yeah, let's do one with no bloody. Try this one on for size, my gentleman. That just sounds like flirting. It does a little. But, I mean, maybe we want to explore that. Let's see what happens. Flirty retail. All right, let's roll. Flirty retailer. So I got 12. Okay. That hits. You guys are fucking him up. All right.

Cordelia, it is your turn. Okay, so I saw Frederick do Burning Hands, so I'm like, I'm gonna try that. And I can do it. Oh, great. Oh, yeah, you're, like, learning your spells. That's fun. Boom. There I am. Thumbs together. And I'm like, I saw Frederick do this. I know what's up. So then I shoot it at you. Unsuccessful. I make my dex save. It doesn't work. Yeah. Great. What is with the farting fingers with you guys? You guys are such stinky fingers.

You should consider it not being this way. And I give my thumbs up to Frederick because I assume I successfully replicated exactly what the spell was supposed to be. It's Frederick's turn right now, too. No, no, no. We're trying to produce flame. Oh, wait. Let me show you.

Let me show you all. I take a single finger in the shape of a, ooh, a pistola, and I shoot white-hot flame in a stream at the vampire's face. What, uh, how much damage are we talking to me right now? Nine. Nine damage. Nine damage. That's how you make a flame. Okay, uh, you are, at this point, he is... I don't know if you guys have been keeping track. I certainly have. Uh, you've been doing a...

shit ton of damage to this vampire. The flame finally like scalds him. His like eyebrows burn. It's a little like, like Marvin home alone. It was like, ah, He screams, he falls down, and he is on his back and backing away. He's like, please, please, I yield. Enough. Please have mercy. Okay. Okay. For real? Well, let us join. What, you join? Wait, no. No. Wait, what are you doing? I think I lost the thread. Do you have...

I feel like I've been questioning a lot of choices I've been making in my life. Maybe this isn't a group thing. Maybe this is just a bellow thing. Maybe this is rather just a bellow thing. If you are feeling like you might want to go to meeting, that is best time to go to meeting.

You're right, but also I feel like there are a lot of things on our plate right now. School disappeared. My family's dead. How convenient. There are always things on your plate. When things are bad, it's best time to go. When things are good, it's also best time to go. What are we doing here?

What are we doing? Oh, I was bleeding for my life! Okay! Are you- are you allowing it to do me? Oh yeah, sure! Okay, jeez! No! No! No? What? No! We'll kill the man! I'm gonna- I'm gonna shoot him again. Wha- I got a 12 that time. You got a 12? Yeah. That does hit. Okay. Another flame out of my fingers, baby. How much damage we talking? What? Okay. Thank God.

You have him down. We're all on the same page. He's down to one hit point at this point. Never trust a hungry vampire. Frederick, he's not putting up a fight. I am working on it. I am working on improving myself. I am trying my best. Please. I am in... What can I do? Stir Fry walks up to... Can I make a...

He's yielded, so you don't have to roll for initiative if you want to do something. Stir Fry walks up to him with the same crossbow and puts it right in front of his forehead. Albie jumps in front of you. What are you doing? Put it to his heart. What are you doing? This man tried to kill me. He nearly succeeded. He will pay the price. I've always wanted to kill a count. Isn't that right, Mr. DeBonesbury? Here's what we want.

Okay, yeah, let's see our terms. We'll let you go, but you have to tell us if you noticed anything weird today when you were on your way here. And not like, ooh, my tummy feels weird. But like, was there a flash of light? Yes. Well, in nature of flash of light. There was no flash of light, but there was, like, huge breeze. Okay. Huge, like, wind moved fast through trees, you know? Where were you coming from? Uh, is my home. Which is? Nearby.

Okay. We've got a crossbow pointed at you. Okay. That's why I'm not trying to give you directions to my house. You probably run in some infernal circles. Do you know anything about demons? Yeah, I know a little bit about you. What do you want to know? Well, we think some demons stole the university. What did you talk all this about the university? There was a university here, a big university. How did you not know if you live in the neighborhood? There has never been university here.

What? What year is it? It is the year is 497. Why? Oh. Oh. But you're saying there was never a university? There has never been university. I'm thinking I would know if there was a university. Okay, wait. Separate question. Demons you've known. Sometimes they grant favors and then they don't want anything in return, right? Demons? Yeah. Demons are not. You're getting favors from demons?

Depends on demon. Demons are running gamut. Some demons are loads of fun. Some demons are real motherfuckers. Albie's ears are pinned back and she's starting to get really anxious and nervous. And she's like, I want to go to my parents' house right now.

Okay, is this part of the deal? You want me to take you? No, you are not invited. You can go. I'm excused? Wait, no. He's given us information, now let's put him aside. He's made what he wants clear. He wants to hurt us. So now he's given us information, and we can be rid of him, yes? Stir-fry! He can go his own way. I cock back my, uh...

my crossbow. Please, I will be good. I will only eat animals. I will only drink blood of animals. I think not. I'm going to do this, guys. I'm going to... Can I elbow you in the face? Yeah, you can do whatever you want. I'm going to elbow you right in the beak. What's your AC? 15. Yeah, no, I got over an 18, and I have a plus 5.

Oh, yeah, that's going to hit you right in the beak. So I did. Oh, no, I knocked you out. So Albie's like, just chill out, okay? And I wind back, and I elbow you in the beak, and it knocks you clean out. Mr. Bonesby. Great, you land on the ground with like a wet, gentle thud and like wet leaves and ferns like sort of like...

rustle out and you have like, you're not dead, but you have like X's for eyes and like your tongue's sticking out. And you're like muttering. Okay. So I'm thinking you guys are, uh, not so close a friend, right? I think we're done here. Okay. Would love to be rid of all of you. Great. Yes. Feelings mutual. Can we, guys, can we please get going? I'd like to go and make sure. I just want to go.

Should be like trying to decide how I feel about stir fries problem. Oh, I can probably pick him up. You know, he he's been scheming. You heard him. He's my personal chef. He's not supposed to be scheming. I'm just wondering if he'll be humbled by this, enraged. I think he'll do whatever you tell him.

Maybe you give him to me as a gift and I drink his blood. Okay, we're done. Seriously, we're done with you. We're done with you. You said only animals. You said only animals. I am looking at big-ass crow on ground and I am thinking this is fair. That's fair. Okay, well, I'm a big-ass deer. gonna try to eat me you're not a deer what are you are i don't know what you are you are i'm a beautiful fawn satyr i'm a fawn yeah what are you like straight up do you have like human characteristics

This is rude. This is rude. I am not trying to be- So rude. Oh, I am at one hit point and we are talking about manners. Okay. Okay. Yeah, that's what it's come down to. We're talking about manners. Yeah, well, it's come to the- Look, I- Fine, I will not drink your girlfriend. So I lean down and I touch Stir Fry. You get 1d8 plus 2 hit points. So I'm back? Yeah, you're back. Albie is trudging off in the direction of her home. B, I'm going to run after you.

Cordelia runs after her. So does Bello. Cordelia, when she runs, is majestic. Same with Bello. Is it like the footage of Sasquatch? Yes, it is exactly like that. But really fast. Like, sped up. She always, like, looks back at the camera. She's always caught. Okay, so Cordelia and Albie have headed off. I'm with them, too. You're with them. And meanwhile, Frederick and Stir Fry, what are you guys doing?

Frederick's with them. Okay, great. He's completely forgotten about the other two. Oh, I really should follow them. Well... Yeah, get out of here. I'm still on ground. I'm still helpless on ground. Nobody helped me. Will you help me? I kill you. Please. I need help, please. I'm helpless. 17. All right. Roll for fucking damage, man. Two plus five. Okay, great. You get me unconscious. No one affects Mr. Fry, asshole.

Wait for me, Mr. Bonesby! Wait for me! It's proper night now in the teenage woods. You hear the hoot of owls and a lone wolf howl off in the distance. Not as far away as you'd like it to be. You look up at the sky and it's pitch black. Not a single star in the sky. There's a crack in the clouds and the moon peeks out. And then... Back in it goes. It's a little too quiet in the woods, though. It's almost as if the woods have turned off.

I can't quite put your finger on it, but something's wrong. When you look over your shoulder, there's nothing there, but once you look back, you have the strange sensation that you're being followed. Eyes seem to be following you in the distance. Maybe they're just lightning bugs. It's impossible to tell. It's really dark. Bellow casts a flame in his hand to provide a little bit of light.

Cordelia seeing this casts a five-foot tower of illusory flame in her own hand. It's way too big. Did you just learn that? Yeah, I'm just, I'm really good at picking up what I'm seeing. Okay. That's great. Thank you. How long did it take you to learn this? Well, I've been in school for like three years, so.

But, like, it'd take you three years to learn how to do this. Produce a flame. It took a while. I was not focused for most of the time I've been here. I've been sort of cramming the spells the last couple of months. Oh, yeah. Classic. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just really good at it. Wow. Do all your Sasquatch friends know how to do that too? No, I've never met another Sasquatch. So I don't know.

Oh my god, you two are totally crashing on each other. I just wanted to say it. I'm just going to say you two are totally... From my perspective, it seems like you two are totally crashing on each other. And then I run behind Mr. Bonesby as if I wounded them and need protection. Yikes. When I was a flesh and blood man, I gave this bird the ability to speak.

I was a more accomplished magi at the time, and it was no trouble at all. And I wonder if my current state is punishment from some sort of gods for doing so. How long did it take you to learn to produce flame? The first time around? A couple months. Would my...

pretty good at Arcana and research and stuff like that. Would I be able to identify that she's just casting illusions without formally casting identify, or can I kind of recognize? You got a pretty good handle on what's going on. You've seen stuff like this before. Yeah, all right. You are a very... accomplished spellcaster. Thank you. Hey, Albie. Oh, what? You may wish to research, perhaps, School of Illusion.

School of illusion, maybe. But if she's already so good at this fire, why would she also need to learn illusions? Yeah. Just a hunch. She's nailed fire and bubbles. Why would she need to worry about illusions? Yes, of course. Just a hunch.

Okay. Sorry again about the bird. As this conversation moves on, you guys get to, Albie, you notice it first. There is a giant, like... almost redwood sized tree that has been upended and uprooted and it is blocking the path. home there's sort of like a uh a beaten path the path that you typically take to and from school you're not the only person who takes it it's like sort of a public well-trodden path and a uh a tree a massive tree is blocking the way of it you notice now

Wow, look at that tree. I see this tree. Albie, did you see the tree that you're looking at? Yeah, I can see it. Really creating a beautiful sonic landscape here. Describe this tree. You guys, it looks like a big tree is in our way. That tree's bigger than many trees. Yeah, it's a huge tree, and it's in our way. Look, the tree is 12 feet tall. It's got a huge radius. It's massive. It's blocking the path. The roots are, it looks like it was freshly uprooted. Okay, can we send the bird?

to go see if anything's on the other side. I can't fly, my friend. I can't fly. What? First objective, get to Albie's house. Second objective, return the school. Third objective, notify the Department of Public Works about this tree and the path. I'm already trying to climb the tree. Okay, great. Okay, you do pretty well. You're, like, getting up there. There's not a lot of, like...

It's a pretty bare base of the tree. There's no, like, branches or anything until, like, way further down. So I call up to her. Albie. Albie. What? Yeah. Can you help us? Let me. Let me get up to the top first. Okay, you're doing great. Thanks. So as you have that conversation, there's not a lot to grab. You're doing pretty well, but you start to lose your grip and you sort of slide down.

the side of it you don't take any damage or anything but you're just like not quite able to cross the tree i got you and then i got it i got her she lands gently in your arms yeah you we see the camera like pulls back and we see she never really got further up than your height at standing. You were sort of like just looking at her the whole time. You're very tall. With my hands up. Yeah. Thank you. I can totally...

I can totally do this. I want to try and do like a pole vault with my bow staff. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. All right. So I'm like walking backwards to get enough distance and then I ready my bow staff. I whirl it around, and I start charging towards the tree. Twelve. Okay, yeah, that's going to work. You charge towards the tree. Okay. You launch yourself, and just a clean, beautiful arc. You let go.

You're never more than three feet from the edge of the tree. You just make a perfect arc right around. Yeah, no, I think it's right. You go right at it. You can imagine what I'm saying. It's beautiful. Yeah, it's beautiful. Like she cleanly describes the arc. Yeah, it's the same arc. It's the same.

fucking angle of the tree is that you get right over to the other side uh and you land and as soon as you land you realize you're on the other side of the tree everyone else is on the other side of you and you are face to face with a uh pretty spooked owlbear oh

An owlbear, of course, being a bear-sized animal with the aggressive nature of a bear, but the face and sort of claws of an owl. I'm going to... Without realizing what Albie is dealing with, I'm just quickly following behind her and trying to climb up the tree myself. Great. Can you roll in athletics? Yeah, I got a 15. You got it. You're over. But while you're doing that...

The owlbear is going to strike. It wheels around. You've activated its fight or flight. It was minding its own business. It wheels around and looks at you and makes... sound and it uh it just like extends its neck it has like owl neck abilities instead of bear neck abilities so it's really you like it's got a fucked up neck situation it spins its like head around and then just comes right at you and bites you

So it's going to... It hits, and it does... It just takes a clip of you. You move back pretty quickly, so it gets a little bit of your arm and does two damage. This is exactly how Steve Irwin died. So I already have my... Bo staff ready. So I'm going to whirl around and try to hit it in the neck. A 20 to hit. Yeah, it hits. And it is six damage. Oh, boy. Okay. And then I'm going to roundhouse kick it to the face. Oh, sure. Why not? Yeah. That is going to hit, yeah. And it's two damage. Okay.

So you sort of, it comes for you. You wheel back and you fuck it up. While this is happening, I would say, Bello, you sort of, you crest the tree and you can see what's going on down below you. Great. I leap. I see what's happening. I see the attack, and I yell out, Elby, watch out! And then I leap down. from the tree and land in like a perfect like super badass combat role. It's like flawless. You're not the DM.

Wait, how do you land? Describe how you land. Like a perfect combat roll. Like I land and I tuck and I roll and I come out in like a perfect awesome fighting stance. I'm actually gonna have you roll a charisma check for that. Okay, great. That's a 19. That's a performance. Yeah, that's charisma. So that actually goes better than you described it. You tuck and you roll.

And as you roll, like doves were on the ground and they like, like a John Woo film, they like fly out in slow motion as you pose. And the owlbear looks at you and just like involuntarily, like its cloaca opens up and just like. a mix of piss and shit just like falls out the back of it and it screeches with a

I feel like Albie shouldn't have looked, but turns around and goes, Damn. I turn to Albie and I say, Don't worry. I think I remember. We learned about how to deal with these in druid class. What? And I reach into my little satchel and I pull out a Tootsie Roll Pop. No, no, no, these exist. I unwrap it. I want to see what he's doing. I know what he's doing. I unwrap it and I start to, and I lick it. Cool, you lick it? Yeah. The owlbear looks at you very...

It is still in like a fight mode, but it looks at you sort of like with confusion. I give it like two licks and then I hold it out to the owlbear. The owlbear's eye is narrow, and it looks at the Tootsie Roll in your hand. I'll point out that it is a cherry. Oh, you said it's a cherry? It's a cherry-flavored Tootsie Roll pop. Okay, great. So it looks at it. It, like, takes you in for a little bit.

It takes a lick, it takes a one, a two, and then it bites your hand. It bites your hand for, I'm just gonna... Bite your hand for four damage. I yelp, and I turn back to Albie and say, I'm not a good student. Cool, the owlbear is going to take a swipe at you now. And so what's your AC? My AC is 13. Okay, the owlbear hits. So it is going to do... Dude, I'm sorry. It's going to do nine damage. Great. I'm dead. You're dead? So, Tim.

You play stir fry. You're the cook to my DeBonesby who enjoys your efforts. Exactly. Who enjoys the efforts. Yeah, enjoys the efforts. In real life, I... like to cook very much and don't have a bird servant. No, you are a very good chef. You have cooked for all of us a few times now, and each meal has been not better than the last, but it's all been good. That's very nice of you to say.

I swear to God I wasn't fishing for a compliment. But part of that is that I love to make cocktails. And I love to make cocktails for my friends. But I often find that it is a bit of an expensive hobby. You have to get a whole bunch of different spirits, a whole bunch of different types of mixers, your syrups, your citrus, your herbs, perhaps, if you want. So...

I am delighted to have been handed a solution to this problem with Shaker and Spoon, which is a subscription cocktail service that helps you learn how to make handcrafted cocktails right at home. Well, this is really cool. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I mean, you say, Chris, you're already making handcrafted cocktails at home. Well.

This makes it a lot better because you basically get a subscription box and every box comes with enough ingredients to make three different cocktail recipes developed by world-class mixologists. All you need to do is buy one bottle of that month's spirit and you have... And you can skip or cancel boxes at any time.

And this is great because this is stuff like you'd only want to order this at a bar. You'd make a simple thing at home if you had the opportunity to. But now you have the opportunity to make something so much cooler. And you, who like to host, it means you can host us with special drinks that are better than what you'd want to make. Better than what I'd want to make? Yeah, it's better than what you would want to make. I'll tell you what I want to make is these cocktails from Shaker and Spoon.

Yeah. Invite some friends over, class up your nightcaps, or be the best house guest of all time with your Shaker and Spoon box. Get $20 off your first box at shakerandspoon.com slash rudemagic. And I swear you all need to do this or this. This ad is for nothing. Truly, go to the website, shakerandspoon.com slash rude magic, and you get $20 off your first box. And if you don't like it afterwards, you can cancel anytime. You're practically drinking for free at that price. I think you are.

Because it says 12 drinks at home. So that is, at least for $20, that's insane. Pretty darn good. That's college prices, $2 a cocktail. And I'll tell you what, I assume, all right, so they're sending you recipes. They're sending you your fancy mixers, which is what makes your cocktail good. Yeah. God, mix it with Listerine for all I care. You know what? You want to save some money. Oh, I mean, for the price? Yeah. Oh, for the price, mix it with Listerine for all I care.

I thought you were sucking for taste. No, no, it tastes bad. Buy a decent liquor, and I'm sure they have recommendations in the package, and I'm sure that I wasn't supposed to say that. That's shakerandspoon.com slash rudemagic. The owlbear seems little more than annoyed as it lifts an enormous bear claw the size of a piano stool and swats at Bellow, backhanding him away. Bellow's thrown 20 feet. Bellow slams into the side of the tree, debarking it. And then he falls to the ground. Motionless.

Hey, Frederick and stir fry, I think we should give them a minute. I think they might be having a moment, and I want to give them a minute. Wait, so I can't tell you. No, I'm not into him. Oh, I thought you were into him. No, he's into him. I'm sorry. No, no, that's okay. It's totally fine. It's always a little bit awkward, but it's totally fine.

Do you guys have a history of having the same crushes or different crushes? No, it's just been pretty good. Pretty clean history with guys, etc. I do feel bad. Don't feel bad. I just want to give them a couple minutes.

So the cavalry is not coming. You are alone on the other side. He's been knocked clean unconscious, close to genuine death. And this albear is looking right at you. I'm like just sort of keeping engaged with it very cautiously and then I reach into my pack and pull out my pan flute.

Okay. Where are we going with this? Yeah, let's see. What happened? I like sort of brandished it to see if it reacts at all. It twists it. It does like the like little puppy head twist thing. It's like not sure what you're doing. What do you think, buddy? Huh? I sort of put it out to my lips and I go, toot. Okay, it matches. It does a, toot. It like makes a toot noise. Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.

Shit. You again have completed the pattern. I briefly regain consciousness for just a moment and say, you're supposed to let him finish it. It gets upset by that. So then I go... And then I nod enthusiastically and I do it again. And then I clap for it. Can I cut in for a sec? Yeah. All right, so we're hearing this on the other side of the log, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is one of her moves. What? Okay. I mean, I don't know. Does he make that squatch sound?

So you're doing the shave and a haircut with the owlbear. Yeah. So now I cautiously put one foot forward to approach it. Very. Slowly. It's just looking at you. Okay. I approach it again, and I have my hand stretched out a little bit. Okay. Just a little bit. Where are we going with this? I'm going to try to pet it. Okay. Okay, so I walk up more, and I go, shh. Right as you do that, a little homebrew creature of my own, a bear owl, right on your hand.

Startling you. You don't even get to roll for this. You definitely get startled by this, which is the absolute inverse of an owlbear. Instead of having a bear's body... And an owl's head, it has an owl's body. This is a small, wrapped, it's like a, let's get it like, it's a barn owl. And it has talons and the bear, a grizzly bear's head.

This lands on your wrist. The talons grab your wrist. They do no damage, but it doesn't feel good. And it gives a tiny, I'll say a small dog-sized roar. It does like a... And, uh... It, uh... Roars right at you, and it is going to try to take a bite right out of your arm. It's going to try? Do I have a moment to react? You certainly do. Okay, I go, and then I fling it back. As hard as I can. I fling my arm behind my head. Behind my head, not towards the owl bear.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Cool. When you bring your wrist back down, it was clenched pretty tight to your wrist. It looks pretty, like, shaken, and it's like, oh. But it's still attached to your wrist. Cordelia! Okay. I think we should go. You can hear like a bear, like dog barking. This is beyond what I have heard in the bedroom. We got to get up there. Did she make that?

Barking sound from the flute? She's very talented. Incredibly, but I don't think so. So I'm going to go and try and scramble up the... Scramble up the side of the tree. Yeah, you get over there pretty quickly. And the sight of you sends the owlbear into a panic. You see its owl pupils dilate and it's up on its back leg.

It scrambles away and it like runs away quickly. The bear owl, however, is still attached at the, it is like holding on tight at the wrist to Albie. That was an owl bear. I, what? I, yes, I know. Okay, wait, I got this. I got it. I got it. I got it.

produce a bubble. I swear to God, I swear to God, if you produce another bubble, I'm like so supportive of you, but I just don't want to bubble around this thing right now. Way too late. There is a bubble around it. Okay, there's a bubble around it? Yes. It's like pretty immaterial. to this thing if the bubble is an illusion or not. That means it has no concept of what an illusion is. But maybe it'll disorient it. You know what I mean? Yeah, definitely there's a bubble around it.

So it spreads its wings and starts flapping them. Now you are, it is, the talons are like gripping harder and it is going to, what's your AC? I'm sorry. 16. No, no problem.

Well, it's trying, but it's not like breaking skin or anything. Okay. Can we cut back to the other side where... Yeah, we cut back. What's going on? Now is that... Is she supposed to be part of it? I don't... I don't want to step on any toes. I feel like I'm stepping onto my toes now. No, I think we should go see. Okay, that's not the whole thing with them? Lift me up. Lift you up? Yes, please. Yes, of course. I get down on my knees and start creating a little step.

Yeah, and I step on that to get up over the tree. He's unbelievably light, too. He's a skeleton. And I'll just lift up. Here we go. Okay. Yeah, you make it across. You can get to the other side. Everyone but Stir Fry is on the other side now. Now for stir-fry's manner of vaulting this rather tall tree, yes. I run back, and then I got really good...

acrobatics. Yeah, let's give a shot. I do the same like Daffy Duck flips around. But now they're like productive. Yeah, yeah. Oh my god. What'd you get? I got a one. There is no mods for that, my friend. Critical failure. Fails. Okay, so I guess I hit against the trigger. No, no, I'll tell you what happens. You're bouncing around, and as you do that, you hit another tree, which the tree you hit is...

Way up above, there is a little nest full of bear owls. No! In that one of the eggs falls down and hits you on the head. The egg cracks neatly, and out of the top, a little bear owl... sticks its head out and just starts, like, cawing. This, of course... It's going to imprint on him. Oh, it is. Unfortunately, though...

As you do this, you look up to the sky and you see many, many little bear owls start flying out of the tree. It's like whenever you like, there's like a gunshot near a tree and birds fly out. That is what has just happened with a bunch of bear owls who are now flying. There's bear owls all over the place. Do animal handling have any help here? It's going to help that animal imprint on you for sure. Fantastic. I would like to take one of my darts and stick it into the...

owl, the bear owl's eyes. Oh my god, yeah. This is gonna probably pop the illusionary bubble, right? Yeah. It's not doing me any good. What? I'm sorry. I do love you. And I'm just watching with my hands on my hips. We're under some trouble with the locals, have we? 19 to hit. Yeah, it hits. 2 damage. Okay. And it goes right into his eye.

What is the nature of this dart? It's like a little blow dart, kind of. It's like a throwing weapon, but I'm choosing to palm it and drive it through the bubble into its eye. Cool. Do you have an athletics bonus or anything? Or like a strength bonus? I don't have a strength bonus. I have athletics and I have stealth and survival. I also have sleight of hand.

Okay, I'll call this a sleight of hand. Great. What's your sleight of hand bonus? Three. You can add that to the damage. Yay, so five. That's not typically how it's going to go, but that was a cool move. Thank you. I'm going to like.

Set it up to work really well. So you put a, is this a poison dart or is this just a dart? It's just a dart. Just a dart. You put it right through that thing's head point blank. So for all it's seen, there's a bubble. It's confused. Suddenly there is a dart going through its eye. Going out the other end. Hell yeah. How much damage was that? Five. Five? With the bonus. Okay, its head fucking explodes.

Jesus Christ. Whoa, B. The force of that, it like spins around your wrist a few times and then like the feet let go and it falls to the ground. I stomp it with my hoof. Yeah, yeah, no, I get it. Okay. And then I turn to Cordelia and I go, help! Help Bellow! Great. I cast Mage Hand. Okay, so then there's a hand that's rubbing on his face. It's not working, and I don't know why. Try something else! It worked perfectly last time. Do I see? I must have noticed the flock of other...

It's clear for everyone to notice now. Yeah, they're flying around, and it's about to be the birds in here. They're about to start. They're coming down. We're all on the other side of the log? Yes, I'm on top of the log.

Okay. I'm just looking down. I'm like, well, well, well. We gotta get out of here. Suddenly the barking cloud descends on you. A tornado of hair and feathers and flesh and claws and teeth all swarm around you. All around you see open, shrieking mouths biting at you hatefully. The air is heavy with a swarm of violent beasts. What I'd like to do is take a big swing and hit as many as I can. 12 to hit. Okay, cool. I'm going to let you roll a six-sided die. Four. Okay, that's how many you hit.

Yay! You hit four of them. I mean, it's just like the sky's getting dark with these guys. Yeah. This guy's already dark. It's going to be night. But you hit four of them. And how much damage? One. Okay, so that's, unfortunately, that's going to be spread out among the four. Okay. So you don't really do any real damage to them. You just sort of, like, swat them away, but they're all at four hit points. Okay.

So I'm going to try to cast Burning Hands again, but instead I end up casting Arms of Hatter and Tendrils of Dark Energy erupt from me and batter all creatures within 10 feet. Okay.

Two of them are like wounded very badly by that and like fall from the sky where their wings are like losing feathers really quickly. One of them is barely hurt and the other three are like sort of like... they're hit by it and they seem confused and they all they're all barking at you okay it sounds like a dog park in here whoa frederick did you see that oh yeah frederick's just like being swarmed with birds right now frederick make an attack

They love that wig. Oh, yeah, they're pulling at, like, wig hairs and stuff. I am just panicked and whipping moms around, and I shoot off just like a bolt of flame. Great. Out of my fingers. Just trying to hit something. Knock four bear owls out of the sky. With a bolt of flame from my fingertips. Yeah, they're burning, and they all... This is worse! This is worse! They fall down as, like, freshly cooked, like...

chickens with like bare heads on top. They have little apples in their mouths. Not clear where that came from. I feel like chicken tonight. You're dead. Yeah, you fail your next saving throw. No, no, no, no. All right, Stir Fry, you've got a little guy on your head who you have just bonded with. He just woke up and sort of imprinted on you. Are there any other ones around me?

No, they went sort of to the other side of things. Hello, little friend. It seems that for once, stir fry is the biggest of them all. I will name you Marcus. Marcus Fry. Okay, we go back. The music's a little different. So much pain. It's pandemonium. It's screaming. I'm doing it. Cut back again. Yeah, we cut back again.

Well, that mark is such a little rough. How about... Trimno? Yes, I'll call you Trimno. All right, we cut back to everyone else? I'm amazing! These birds have bear heads! Everybody, we've got to get out of here! so i have a i have a little hunch and i take out my um pam food again and i go

They just start barking, and you made them twice as angry. They are the opposite personality of owlbears, so music infuriates them. They all now have advantage on the attacks they're about to make. You really pissed them off. Meanwhile, Bellow is rolling a death save. Yeah, I rolled a five, so I'm at two successes and two failures. Oh, boy. Okay. Does anyone have any... We don't have any healing. We'll just have to hope the next time I roll, it's okay. Luckily...

Right when things look darkest, especially for Bellow, right at that moment, a swarm of bats sort of fill the air and start. flying around, swirling. This is like a swarm of locusts almost. There are way more bats than there are bear owls. They start, immediately they start going for each other. It is gross. and bodies of animals just start falling from the sky really quickly. You see, I mean, you can barely, it's just like the movement is so quick.

It is frenzied. It is horrible. I'm not even going to do the voice of the bear owls just like shrieking. The bats are shrieking. It is bad news as they all just go for each other. Quickly you get flashes of like six bats sort of like... all tearing flesh from them. Feathers are flying everywhere. Bats are falling from the sky. And in that moment, in a cloud of mist, Count Ivan Gretzky appears. Whoa! We have here.

Yeah, that's right. It's me, Count Ivan Gretzky. Do you remember me? Yeah, we remember you. Yes, we just met you. You look so familiar. You're a friend of Bethany's. Yeah, Bethel. Friend of Bethel. I don't... So, okay, I don't know her. You guys left me for dead! I... Man, I don't know, I didn't really know what you wanted from us, and... I told you what I wanted! To be fair, we... We don't know you, so...

We don't know your shit. You don't know me shit? Yeah. Which is the, where's the little one? Where's the little bird guy? Give me the crow. What are you going to do with him? I wanted your blood. I just point behind me. The intimidation has taken hold. Yeah, you, that's behind you? Peace! He, like, disappears in a cloud of mist and reappears right next to you. I've got it. I'll call you Flip Cup. Yes.

A cloud of mist explodes right next to you. Roll a wisdom saving throw. Six. You're scared. You motherfucker! Ah, yes, it was, um, the count, Red. Yes, the Count, I remember you. You were such a sad man when we left. You were searching for so much friendship. I remember when we left you thinking...

This man needs purpose. This man needs a goal. So I did what I did with you, of course, remember, and now you're back here, and you look fit as a fiddle! You shot me point blank! Yes, and you were about to- I was dead! I was begging for help! And you would have drunk my blood to do the very same thing. Now I will drink your blood. Yes, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, look at this little friend on top of me. Have you met him? His name is Flip Cup.

He looks, he considers it. The thing loves me. You must agree it's hard to imagine why, but he does nonetheless. I want to show him to my friends. How about you let me show Flip to my friends and I'll come right back. I'll come right back so you can do whatever you want to do with me. But... I don't want Flip Cup to see me die, so let me give Flip Cup to my friends, and then I'll come back and you'll do whatever you want. No. No, I'm not gonna do that. Yes. No. Yes. Yes? But...

Yes. No, no. Okay, I tried it. Oh, good. Oh, gang's all here. Oh, hello. Hi. You want to watch me as I do it? Your friend tried to murder me. I can't let you... I can't let you do that. But you could let him! You tried to kill us first! And then I said sorry! I said apologies! I meant it to! I never apologized! That's hard to do! Well, we don't know you, and you came at us out of nowhere. It hurt my feelings!

Well, you hurt my feelings, too. Remember when you struck me on the side? Yeah. That hurt. That hurt my body. And my body is connected to my feelings. I'm sure some in many ways. You and I are quite the same. You're pissing him off. Okay. I want you to know what I... Stop. I want you to know what my situation is. I am humble man. I am on the way to get help for a problem I have.

I am accosted in woods by rude people who make fun of what I am doing, hurt my feelings very bad, and then I try to drink their blood because, yes, I am addicted. And then you attack me? You try to kill me? I reason. I say I yield. And then you leave? And then you leave this? You leave Little Killer with me? Little, uh, little, what's his name? Little, uh... They call me Stir Fry. And this is my friend Flip Cup. On my head.

and he has seen, and he has taught me to be better. You know what? You've taught me a bit of a lesson, as has Flipkab, that now I should be nice. He backhands you. This is, like, infuriating. Ouchie, mama! Hey! And I kind of...

move in front of him again. A grave injustice has been done! I... You need to understand that you're making things worse right now. Oh, I'm making things worse. Yes! What, because I always make things worse, right? Is that how you feel? Yes, of course that's how I feel. It's true! Well...

Then I think you can do something to stop that, don't you? Oh, what can I do? I think you can take a step back and examine your actions and how they affect your interactions with people. Uh, maybe. Or I am powerless over myself. I don't think that's true. Oh, you don't think that's true. No, you're going to meetings. You do not know what I have done.

You're going to meetings? I am going to meetings. So then you're trying. But there was no meeting today, so it looks like I'm half hooked. I'm going to pop my head up and go. Self-esteem comes from esteemable acts. What she said. Would you learn that? I read it on the...

A what? Internet page. An equivalent of internet? Yeah. Town crier come to your house and you hear that? Yeah, that's right. Okay, great. He was yelling it for a while. Right outside your house, okay. Yes, yes. Some yahoo. Okay, well you can say... Jesus Christ. Yeah. Exactly. Sub Yahoo. When I have questions, I wait for Jeeves. You can say the lingo, but you do not know. You don't know!

Everyone mean to me? Then why don't you tell me? You shut fuck up! He points back to the crow. Stir fry. Shut up. Shut up. Look, I'm seeing it. We have a few situations here. Okay, let's talk it out. Look, ideal situation. You give me crow, I drink melancholic blood of crow. It's not ideal for me, but you know, blood for blood. He tried to kill me, I tried to kill him.

Well, I think you've already tried to kill him. I didn't try. I backhand. That's not tried to be old man. Look at him, though. You seem to try to kill a guy. Oh, I killed him so dead. I look at him. He's pathetic. Right. So what are you wasting your time with him for? What? You want me to see some of myself in him? Because he is pathetic and I think of myself as pathetic?

Yeah, I think so! Okay, well, maybe it's a big breakthrough! I think you're doing great! Oh, you think I am? Yeah! I'm gonna start clapping. Don't condescend to me! Oh, I'm so- I wasn't- I am a count! Look, I am needing something. If you do not give me a little curl, give me something. Let's have a meeting!

Let's have a meeting. You want to have a meeting? Yeah, let's have a meeting. You want to sit down and circle and have a meeting? Yeah, I do. No, I did not condescend to me. You have no problem. I'm not condescending. You have a problem? Yeah, I have a problem. What is a thing in your life? My problem is that I have driven...

By ambition and sometimes that alienates people that care for me. Oh, it's good. Thank you. That is a good one. That's tough, right? It's really hard. You want to... You do this? Yeah. You do this for Count Ivan? Yeah, I'll do this for you. If you let my friends go. He grabs you and stir fry by the arms. You feel a horrifying, chilling sensation. You are suddenly as cold as you have ever been in your life. It's over in an instant, though, and you are all on the other side of the tree.

And there is like smoke and mist sort of just like pouring out from all around you. All right. From a semicircle. Weary traveler, I see you leaning forward in your seat, entertained by these rude tales, are you? Well, then I must tell you that this is only... For there is another, a stranger, an even ruder tale yet. Join Rude Tales of Magic on Patreon.

and gain entrance to a realm beyond pleasure and pain. Experience delight and decadence unknown to the old flesh. Come and see us there, traveler.

We have such sights to show you. Conto por favore here, the wealthiest elf in Nethermerk. a man of my exquisite taste pays a lot for a lot of things but if there's one thing i refuse to pay a dime too much for It's wireless telephone service. If you're still overpaying for wireless, it's time to say yes to saying no. At Mint Mobile, their favorite word is no. No contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no BS, which stands for blatant sassafras. Probably.

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Hello, my name is Count Ivan. Ivan Gretzky. Hi, Count Ivan. Hello, Count Ivan Gretzky. Hello, everybody. I have been addicted to drinking blood for a hundred years. But I have not had a drink of blood for 12 minutes. Thank you. Wait, I pause and hold my hands as if, like, waiting for permission. You can clap. It was good. It was bad. I mean, this was...

It was one year before and broke. I just broke it. I think you're going to get it back. I feel good. You think I'm going to get your back? Yeah. Okay, well, you know, it's not ideal time for me right now. Do you want to talk about it? We go around first. Gestures to his left, which is Albirah. I'm Albirah Albidon. Hello, Albirah Albidon. What's a B?

Hey Cordelia. So I guess I'm sort of addicted to my hero's journey. And sometimes I feel like I prioritize that over, you know, connections with people. that don't share my same vision. And I think that that makes it difficult for some people in my life. All right, great. Let's move it on. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Are we clapping? We do not have to clap every time. It's really a momentum killer. Okay, so hello, everyone. I'm Cordelia Sasquatch. Hey, Cord. Hello. Hello, Cordelia Sasquatch. Hello. Hi. So... I would say because I lived in isolation for the first 14 years of my life, I have since coming into the world, I've enjoyed its delights a little too much at times.

And sometimes it's difficult to understand restraint myself. And then also I don't understand the value of human life because solitary living is great also. That's me. Thank you, yeah. It can be very tough to be lonely. Yeah, but it can also be great. Oh, okay. Well, it's a new perspective for me. All right, but I am... Look at me cross-talk. Okay, it's now a little crow.

Yes, well, I'm still a fry, and my addiction's rather appallative. I'm addicted to helping out Mr. Devonesby, and making sure he gets what he wants, and gets what he needs, and making sure that he lets me know that... He likes what I do and likes when I get him what he wants and get him what he needs.

Through that, I will... I always get happiness through that. Yes, yes, by any means. And sometimes when he doesn't let me get... When he doesn't show me the affection that I desire, that's... You're squeezing Flip Cup a little too hard. Flip Cup, little friend. I didn't mean to hurt you. Well, I believe that's my major addiction, just that Mr. DeBonesby has too earnest of a friend in me. Yes. Yeah, no, good. That's very good. We move on to Devil Boy.

Oh, okay. Moving on to the... Hello, yes, my name is Frederick the Burns. My liege lord. Yes. Hello, Frederick the Bonesby. Hello, Frederick the Bonesby. Thank you. It's been five days since I drank blood. What? What? Sorry, I didn't. That was a surprise. Man has been five entire days without blood. Yes, I was trying an old remedy that I once knew very well that would... Excuse me.

I could restore a little bit of the rose in my cheeks and the flesh in my face and such, but I'm afraid that I wasted that little boy entirely. It didn't do anything. I don't have the skills that I once had. You drink blood from little boy. Mm-hmm. Yes, it's tough, right? I've been there, right? I'm sure. Had not for a year until just now. I didn't drink from person, though, if you guys were curious. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, what?

Drink from elf. Oh. Elf in woods. It was sentient, so I counted, but make no mistake, I have a weird thing with elves. Oh, don't we? Oh, yeah, you have a thing with elves? Sometimes. Now this is good to know. This I like knowing. Elves on people. I'm going to take one giant scooch away from stir fry. I guess I'm also addicted to drama. I like to know what's going on with my friends.

You are a messy bitch. Me? You are a messy bitch. I just like to play the game, the political game, I suppose. I have a question. Is that what I sound like? Is that what I sound like? Because I gave him speech, and that's what he talks like all the time. Is it because that's what I sound like? It's not dissimilar. It's not crazy different. You seem like you're from the same region. I knew it. It's like...

It's like, have you ever recorded your voice into a microphone of magical something or other before and then listened to it? No. That's what it's like with him. Have you ever talked to a Kenku and have them said back what you said to them? That's it. That's it. No, I never have. Okay, well, we are losing train of thought. It's fine. I'm feeling good. I've taken deep breaths. I'm feeling grounded. Why don't we hold hands? Okay. Everyone holds hands.

I will lead us in prayer, which you guys have made extremely clear you do not know. Repeat after me. God. God. God. God. You can all just do it together. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. the strength to change the things i can the strength to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference and the wisdom to know the difference okay

Okay, that's enough of that. Did our wisdom just go up? Pardon? Did our wisdom just go up? No, there was no change to your stats. No, no change whatsoever to your stats. I tell you what, though. I'm feeling a little bad. As far as meetings go, this was, you know, I shoot you straight. This was two out of ten. Pretty bad meeting. We didn't do most of the stuff, but... I sincerely feel better afterwards and, well, that is what it is.

According to some schools of thought, that is what it is all about. Oh, good. Some meetings suck. I'm losing train of thought, though, and I am airing real problem I have right now. Yes, I understand that some vampires have problems with the religious aspects.

Oh, but don't get me started. So when I say God, I do not imagine like men with big white beard, you know? No, no. I definitely wasn't thinking that. It's a different thing for a different person. It's like an AIG or just like an acceptance that there could be something that connects us all together. If that's what works for you. Exactly. Honestly, what I use is weather.

The idea of weather is like bigger than me. I can no match for a tornado, you know? So I was like, so I think of tornado. And similarly, you're no match for a sunny day. I didn't mean it because of a vampire. He looks sincerely hurt. You're like... hurt his feelings. He disappears in a puff of smoke. He's completely gone. You are alone in the woods. I meant it. All I meant is that we are all in awe of a sunny day. I swear. He's gone. I swear. It is. I'm being, I've been punished for him.

That's exactly what it is. What are we being punished for? He just meant that there's something about a sunny day. That's what y'all can battle. He really, he had a moment with you guys that was like a real sincere bod and then you fucking... Rug out from under him. Cordelia's scrunching up her face really hard, and she's trying to disappear. And she makes a bubble. Cord, what are you doing, man? I thought maybe I could do that. I don't know. I don't know where this starts and ends. Okay.

Well, I would really like to keep going. Perhaps we should heal... Oh, yes! Oh, my gosh! I think we all turn and look at him at the same time. Oh, isn't he the one that knows the healing spell? Yeah. Oh. Okay, everybody. Everybody. Look around and see if any of these flowers or herbs or ferns or wet bits and bobs are healing potions. Putting all this together, you guys are able to sort through. You find a bunch of ferns and you find an aloe plant. Ooh.

which is like it's a little hotter climates, but this is a little bit of a different. It just it's got thick leaves. You can crack it open. There's there's like an aloe inside. You're able to put together a rudimentary. a real bare bones healing potion from this. So let's, you've done that. You can now administer the healing potion to Bellow. Okay, here we go. And it heals you. My eyes flutter open.

I look around and I say, oh, thank you guys for saving me, but something happened while I was unconscious. Did it? Yeah, I was the strangest thing. For a moment, I awoke and I saw... A giant group of bats saving us. A giant flock of bats, or whatever the word is for a big group of bats. And it made me think about using the bats as a symbol. Okay, can we get going, please? Yeah, okay, we start to wrap this up. Wait a minute, is he rich? No, we get sued.

As Bellow decides to use the bats as inspiration, you notice the owlbear from earlier, and it is distinctly the owlbear from earlier, is walking back down the path that I didn't run away from you guys from. It is walking back hesitantly.

But it's not just the owlbear. The owlbear now has a saddle and atop it sits a gnome with wild hair. uh, large glasses that like really enhance its eye. It's small, even by gnome standards. He has wild white hair, uh, and enormous bug eyes sticking out from these almost like binocular like glasses, uh, is riding the owlbear. towards you. It is about, I would say it's about 100 feet away from you guys right now. B. Ah! Dips. Dips. He's all yours, man. Okay, cool. Yeah, go.

Go get him. Well, hello. Oh, never mind. I'm 400 years old. Hi. My name is Poopus. Wow. Hello, Poopus. Hello. Uh, uh, uh, what happened here? Poopis, Mr. Poopis, uh, we met your owlbear. Yeah, he was telling me. He told you? Yeah, I can talk to my owlbear. Oh, what did he say? I created the owlbear! As well as all the bear owls. So you created my little friend's flip cup?

You named him? Yes. Oh boy, you're in for a world of hurt, buddy. Oh no. Those things are heartache to raise. Oh no. Good luck. Oh, hold on. Just a tick. Oh, what the fuck is going on with the ground here? He looks around and he sees all of the dead bear owls. Oh, man. All over the ground. We were attacked by... them and then bats attack them. Yes. Bats? So we sort of ran afoul of your bird owls and also a vampire. I was trying to be friends with your owl bear.

Look, no hard feelings here. Okay. I've met bear owls, man. I've met owlbears. I get it. That's what happened. I mean, look at it. He raises his left hand and it's a hook. Yeah, scary, right? I almost lost my hand to your owlbear when I tried to give it a Tootsie Roll Pop. Yeah, well look at this. He raises his right hand and it's his left hand.

I got all fucked up by these guys! Why do you still have your left hand? What do you mean? Why did you just carry that around? You pooped it out the other end! I cleaned it up and sewed it to myself. That's medical waste. Medical waste? Yeah. Oh, say it to this. He tries to flick you off, but the hand doesn't really respond correctly.

I gotta be honest, you seem like a nice guy, Poopis, but this is pretty dark. This is not dark. What's dark about this? I made an animal. You're a gnome that... You're a limbless gnome carrying around your own...

Missing hand. Okay, well, you're a shirtless tiefling who looks good as hell. You know, we can all just say what we see. I'm looking at how all my dead kids are out here. I could be pissed. You guys are lucky I'm not. Yeah, that's true. Actually, I'm... I'm just curious. It seems like you guys took these little guys on a test run. Any notes? Yeah, they're really aggressive. They're aggressive, right? That's the bear head. It's also the owl bodies.

Bears and owls are two very aggressive animals. I was a fool to put them together. Both apex predators in their own way. That's true. You put them together, you get a real motherfucker. Well, not flip, Cap. Flip Cup's different. No, he's not. I tell you right now in front of God and everyone, he's no different. No, Flip Cup's my friend. If you die and he survives, he will eat your body. Well, well...

Mr. Poopis? Yeah, thank you for calling me Mr. Poopis. I have a question for you. You can also call me Dr. Poopis. Are you a doctor? No. Okay. But it doesn't hurt to hear. Gonna stick with Mr. Okay. You can also just call me Poopas. I have a question for you. Yeah, what's the question? Have you ever heard of Polaris University? What's that? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Polaris University. I don't think we're going to a Polaris. A largest, a local major.

institution of higher learning. One of the biggest job providers in the region. Yeah, you'd think I'd have heard. A major center of research. Especially an intelligent guy like me, you'd think I'd have heard of a place like- Professor Pupis, I have a question. Professor Pupis? Yeah. I'm not into-

Professor. Okay. You can call me Dr. Poopas. You can call me Mr. Poopas. You can call me Poopas. Hell, you can call me anything. I can't stop you. What was your question? Dr. Poopas, how long have you been in these woods? Oh, that's a good question. My memory's a little foggy. I feel like I've been here for... God, I feel like I've been here for a few decades. And yet I can't place my home. I can't place... What am I doing here?

Oh, boy, uh-oh, that's a big question. Uh, you're a second creature we've come across who feels rather lost, and... Actually, so are we. We are ourselves rather lost. I'm not lost. I know which way we're going, and we just have to get there. Mr. Poopis, have you always lived in the teenage woods? No, I'm 400, remember? So? I didn't always live in the teenage woods.

So you're familiar with the teenage woods, though? Yeah, I'm familiar with the teenage woods. So we're not totally off the reservation? No, the woods are the woods. You're not off anything. Do you know of any universities in all of Cordelia? Not me, the country.

Well, you hadn't introduced yourself, so I take it from context that your name is Cornelia. Actually, I was looking at the rest of, I was looking at everyone else. Oh, cool. Sort of like an inside joke I wasn't invited to. Sorry. AB conversation, right? So see me later. Okay. Hello. Okay. You guys don't... I can't tell if you like me or not. Oh, well. So premature. That's fine. I'm 400. I'll outlive you all.

I've expended my spell slots. I'm getting rather itchy about it, and it's the middle of the terrifying night, and we're getting attacked every few minutes. I would love if we could continue to someplace safe to rest. Yeah, let's go back to the nest, baby. Thank you so much, Monsignor Poops. Wait, sorry. We have a policy against going...

to men's places if they're called the nest. Yeah, that's like a hard and fast rule. Of the MTD. Well, let me tell you this. The owlbear society that is sort of formed in this nest is largely matriarchal. Oh. I can't really say that it's my place. I'm pretty low-ranking. among these owlbears. My own creations. I'm their god and they think of me as some guy. Wow. That makes me feel way better. Honestly, I'm good with it. I think I can speak first of all. Oh, no. Me think it best.

For us to retire to your nest. All right, let's go to the nest. But I warned you. Oh, no. It's full of owlbears. Owlbears? Owlbears are bear owls. Okay, so bear owls live in the trees. The owl bears live in this place called The Nest. Will they be friendly to us if you...

Are you able to... As I said, I am relatively low ranking. Although I am their creator, I can give you a few pointers. Yeah. If they don't like you, you will not survive the night. How close is this nest? How close is this nest? Nest! High five. It's pretty close. Okay. You guys want to follow me? Yeah. Okay. He leads you down the path, and after about five or six minutes of walking, he sort of...

he is, he's turned around on the saddle. He's leading the, he's letting the owlbear sort of lead the way and he's turned around. He's like making idle chit chat with you guys. Uh, and the owlbear at one point takes a, a left turn off the beaten path just through.

Just through the woods, through the ferns. And he turns around and goes, well, this is the secret part. This is, we're on our way to the nest right now. This is where all of the owlbears in the teenage forest live. So just as a recap for.

Great. Where we are, where we're going. Wow. Yeah, pretty exciting, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. We never would have found this place on our own. It's off the beaten path. Yeah, it's more than just a left turn, though. And as he says that, the owlbear starts to climb up a tree. Oh. So you guys are all invited to follow me. Can you guys climb trees? Yeah. Occasionally. No.

Okay, yeah. Guys, you do not need to bluff or roll for this. Let me know if you can climb trees. I can comfortably climb trees. You can comfortably climb a tree? And I can comfortably carry them. I'm offering you guys some owlbears to ride right now. Oh, sure, sure.

I want to. Although, actually, I'm looking at you. No, come on, I really want to. I really want to. But just physically, you see how you're bigger than an owlbear, right? I do. You're like about two owlbears. But it's like, what if it's like... Okay, do you know horses? Yeah, I know horses. Then there's like ponies? Yeah. So I'm like a person on a pony. Cordelia. What? Just take the no.

Just accept the knowing climb. Okay, I want to touch one, though. Yes, you may touch mine. I would love to ride an owlbear all the way up this tree to get to that nest. While you're doing this, by the way, owlbears are sort of crawling up from under...

turned trees and logs and they're crawling out from the ferns and each of you, including Cordelia, there's like a bigger one with a missing eye crawls out. You're all, you get on these owlbears. And this conversation occurs while you are all scaling a tree. And the All Bears are sort of, they're jumping from branch to branch as we have this conference. You're like missing a lot of what you say. If you remember, there's a hundred of them. And I was, obviously that broke his. You're in and out.

Oh, sorry. It was just the branches. You're jumping. He's going to just stop making conversation with you guys as you jump from branch to branch. And the owlbears finally lead you to an enormous dead tree. that there's sort of like an opening at the top of it, and the owlbears, they scuttle along the branches to this enormous dead tree, and they crest the inside, and they start climbing down the inside.

of this tree you are climbing and uh or you're climbing down and as you go down you can sort of tell that you like you were going further down than the height that you climbed up you've been traveling down longer than you've been traveling up um it's a really uneasy

sensation it's a little bit you can't the temperature starts to drop it's getting a little bit uh cooler and slowly sort of a pale blue and green very cool colors uh pale white starts to like emanate before you there's a lot of mist but as you sort of crawl through that down You bioluminescent plants and algae start to become more and more apparent. You crawl down through the bottom of this tree and you there is an enormous opening and you guys find yourself. It is like a.

It is just like a football field size, like giant empty space. It's probably. 50 or 60 feet from the top of this opening that you crawl down into. It is brightly lit with all sorts of like brilliant, almost like neon, like glowing bioluminescent colors. And it is full of owlbears.

There are owlbears everywhere. There are glowing plants everywhere. There are owlbears in different stages of their lives. There are big owlbears, small owlbears. You can also see owlbears of different stages of development, too. And you can sort of see...

Almost through, like, as you look at the owlbears, you can see the, like, trial and error that Poopas went through to get to... I forgot his name to Poopas. That Poopas went to to get to these owlbears. You see just, like, straight-up owls. You see complete bears, and you see... almost every combination between the two. And as you crawl down, you sort of crawl down, and there's roots everywhere. The roots themselves are glowing. Although the tree above is dead, its roots seem to be alive.

And you are surrounded by owlbears. And there seems to be a giant, beating, glowing heart almost in the center of this space. And it is surrounded. There are just like thousands of owlbears. Welcome to The Nest. That was Ali Fisher as Cordelia, Carly Monardo as Albie, Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonesby, Tim Platt as Stir Fry. Joe Lepore as Bellow, and Branson Reese as everything and everyone else. Ruled Tales of Magic is produced by Taylor Moore at Fortunate Horse.

He sounds nice. See you next time, weirdy traveler, when you most desire even more rude tales of magic. That was a hate gum podcast.