Dial E for Elf

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hello, all you stinkers and freaks, and welcome to the graveyard where we buried subpar storytelling. In the mood for a tale to delight and astound? Well, I have just the thing. It's a story from the pages of this ancient tome to which I am chained. Its title? Rude Tales of Magic. Previously on Rude Tales of Magic, our heroes killed a big blue glowing heart in the earth. After killing it, they escaped from its lair and journeyed on to try to find...

Albie's family's house, a safe haven in the middle of the teenage woods. However, they were waylaid by two extremely waspy elves who demanded that they come with them to solve the murder of their brother.

Our heroes now are on the path to the Linsingham Estate. I dare say that these elves are Protestants. What? Yes. I believe their form of Christianity is rather a step removed from the sort of Orthodox Catholicism. Do we really have to do this? I mean... I dropped religion. That's not what I meant. Oh. No, I mean, like, can't we just... I really am a little anxious to see my family, and I thought we were... That's where I thought we were going. Do we have to solve a...

Murder? I would prefer not. Okay. Well, that's not why. Now I feel like we should... Is somebody whispering about an elf murder back there? Yes, that's where we're going to solve your murder. Yeah, well, I just wanted you to know I could hear everything you were saying. Look, we were just talking about the fact that, you know, we kind of came out of a harrowing experience and... Right.

And, you know, I kind of wanted to go see my family and make sure they were okay. Family? That's so interesting because my own family was murdered. Okay. Not the entire family, you understand. Right. My twin sister's here with me.

I don't believe we've introduced ourselves, have we? I don't know. That was a genuine question. I don't remember. I don't believe you have before you do. I'm Buckley Linzingham. He's introducing himself. He's introducing himself. That's right. And this is my twin sister, Addison Linzingham. Yes, that's right. I'm Addison Linsingham. I have the same vocal affect as my twin brother Buckley. Wow. Okay.

Well, I also technically am a twin because I have a litter mate. And I would like to see how she and the rest of my family are doing. I didn't know you were a twin. Yeah, I have like... I have a lot of siblings, and some of us came out at the same time. Do you also feel a pronounced connection to your twin siblings? No, not really. Oh, really? Because it's like my brother and I can finish each other's...

Cool. Sentences. I saw you nudge him. Yeah, and I said it too. Great. I nudged him and he did nothing. Our voices are very similar. You have to understand when I'm up here, I'm Addison. When I'm down here, I'm Buckley. I understand. That's very helpful. It's going to come up a lot. Okay, great. But like that right there, that was Addison, even though I sort of cheated. Yeah, because I... I...

I don't think, I'm not, you see, I'm- I put myself into a bit of an acting corner here. Now there we go, now that's Addison, yes. Yes, this is me, I'm Addison. Yes. Yes, I'm, yes. I'm in a room with an acting ceiling I can't quite reach. Oh, right, right, right. But anyway, our... That's Buckley. This is Buckley, yeah. Oh, you can tell just from looking at who's talking. Much deeper now, though. You can tell, right? Much deeper, yeah. Making a better choice. Okay, well, that's enough notes.

Switch back into Addison again, I believe. No, I was Buckley the whole time. You guys are playing one person the whole time. You know, it's a little...

It's not a walk in the park, you know. Anyway, our older brother Vance was murdered. Is the body still out? Out? This is my brother you're talking about. No, I'm s- I'm not- I don't think that's- I just don't understand why you need a couple of strangers to- You're quite more than a couple. Fine. I don't know why you need exactly five strangers. There's five of you, plus a baby, plus a little monster. Plus a baby and a little bird. This monster is an aberration. Alright, you know, I...

It's a lot of attitude and not a lot of explanation as to why exactly we need to be the ones to solve Vance's murder. Because he was murdered on the grounds of the Linsingham Manor. And everyone at the Linsingham Manor is a suspect. We can't solve- the mystery on our own because we all suspect each other. We need unbiased observers. Great. My sister and I are suspected because we're next in line to inherit the manor. Well, if I may ask, who do you two believe to be the vicious murderer?

I'll tell you who. We believe the murderer to be Sloane Langley Thatcher. Sloane Langley Thatcher? You haven't heard of Sloane Langley Thatcher. I know, but I want to react. All right, fine. You can react to it. Sloane Langley Thatcher? She was Vance's Betrothed. Oh, now that is exciting. That's a female name? I love that. Yes. I love that. It's rich. That's really nice. Somebody might have gone to preppybabynames.com and you might be meeting a lot of the results of that.

What's a .com? What? What's a .com? Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, you got me. But may I ask, why would Sloane want to kill her betrothed? Because she was his fiancée, and it was a loveless engagement. They were poorly matched, you say. Wait, did they say that, or are you just assuming? Like, did you just observe that? here is dirty. To them or to you? To anyone. To anyone. I'm getting the sense that you guys are really judgmental. Were you just being judgy? Am I judgmental? Does a bird fly in the sky?

Not Flip Cup, not yet. Yes, meet my little friend Flip Cup here. He's not quite a bird and can't quite fly, but he'll be up in the sky if you toss him like so. No! I caught him. I'm very agile. No need to wait. Was that an ad for Flip Cup? Yes! You're like pitching Flip Cup to me. Flip Cup! Yes, he can't fly, but he's still up in the sky. You can throw him. You can throw a bird. You can throw a plane. Or you can throw Flip Cup. Pardon?

I will part bear. You can get one nowhere. He's my little friend. I'm begging you, shut the fuck up. Ow! Are we trying to sell Flipkart? I'm not buying. I'm not interested. You have so much money, though. Me? Yeah. Yes, I have plenty of money. And the money's in it for you if you help us solve the case. Oh. Oh. No, I assumed. Oh.

How do a thousand gold pieces sound? A thousand gold pieces? Yes. I said we help solve this matter. We have the money. You don't worry about your family. You can give some of the money to your family, for goodness sake. I vote yes, I vote we saw this frickin' murder. All right, that's one four. Yeah, I'm... Sorry, Albie, I'm in. One four, two four. I want to check this out. I'd love some money.

That's 3-4. Well, if Cordelia's in, I'm in. That's 4-4. It doesn't matter what the lizard says. Well, he's holding his tiny little hand up. And I turn back into Bella. The devil! Wow! Wow. I know what a tiefling is. I'm just racist. Oh. Yeah, I'm a no. Yes, and I'm the bad guy for instinctively disliking Elle. All right, so...

We're here. They turn a corner and you find yourself in a 30-acre clearing of well-manicured lawns and elegant topiaries. In the middle of... the extensive ground sits the Linsingham House, a 400-year-old mansion featuring Tudor brickwork and Jacobian architecture. Of course, in this world, that brickwork is called... What a mix of styles.

Well, look, I looked up the house from the favorite, and I'm modeling it off of that. That actually just goes a long way to explain what this place looks like. Now I see it. Yeah. For those who haven't seen it. It features Tudor brickwork and Jacobian architecture. In this world, of course, that brickwork is called northern style, and that architecture is called Derekish, after the emperor who popularized it. Emperor Derek the Tall.

Emperor Derek was eaten by crows, which is said to be why crows seem to flock to Derek-ish style homes. There are fountains, a hedge maze, and an archery range on the premises. There is a great hall, a study, bedchambers, a dining hall, and stables. That's the gist of this place. Wow, just imagine the bedchambers in there. Oh, you're gonna love these bedchambers. Yes! One for each of you. And when I say one for each of you, I mean one for the five of you who I consider a person.

Wait, so we're all going to share a room? Yes, we're going to be sharing a room. Well, wouldn't that be fun? Telling us little ghost stories and laughing with little secrets, sharing crushes and all that. This should be fun indeed, I'd say. Who do you have a crush on? Who do I have a crush on? Yeah.

We don't have to talk about crushes. No, we don't have to talk about crushes. What? Let's talk about crushes. Do you guys want to talk about crushes? I mean, I thought we could do it tonight, but I guess we could talk about it now. No, I don't want to talk about crushes. It's not like I have a crush on anybody. You have a crush on your twin, don't you? What? There's nothing wrong with it. Do you have a crush on your twin? No. There's nothing wrong with it.

No, there's nothing wrong with having a crush on your twin. I'm Addison saying that I don't have a crush on my twin. So both of you agree. Both of you agree that there's nothing wrong with having a crush on your twin. If you had a crush on your twin, which I don't have. You don't have it. They don't have a crush because they're in love with each other, obviously. Bonesby, do you have crushes? I did once.

No, but what about right now? No. Who are you crushing? Yeah. I crushed the idea of having a body again. Or my magical facilities. See, nobody wants to talk about this anymore, so... I think we can all agree it's normal to have a crush on your twin. Hey, Buckley. Thank you. Yes. So you said, like, you suspect everyone in the house. Yes.

There are probably other people besides Sloan? That's right. Like a whole cast of characters? Wacky suspects? Yes, of course there is. For example, a human, a really like... poorly taken care of. He has a big beard and a wild look in his eyes. Hagrid? Walks up. No, he's not like Hagrid Dimensions, really. He's a smaller guy. He's real wiry. in terrible posture, he walks up to you. All right, are you the detectives brought in? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Hey, what are your names then?

I'll be. Alright, good enough. My name's Milker. Milker? Yeah, Milker. I'm named after me job. I milk the cows. Oh, I was right. It's Milker. I do other stuff too, but I mostly milk the cows. Okay. Hi, Milker. Hi. How are you? Fine. I just want to say, uh, to get started, I didn't do it. I'm innocent of any wrongdoing. Of course. Oh, actually, Milker, do you have any milk for this baby named Peepus? Yeah, it's got a little bit of milk on me. Oh. On you? Yeah, on me. On me person.

I got a little bit of milk in me, too. I taught myself how. That's wonderful. Yes, I did. Yeah, thank you. Taught yourself how? Yeah, I taught myself how to lick teeth. So you've got it in you now? Yeah. So you need to lactate. I don't need to do nothing. I'm happy you have it in me.

In me, out of me, it's all the same to me. Do you want to express that? What do you mean do I want to express that? Do you want to get rid of... I've got milk inside of me! Do you need to pump? No, not... Yeah, do you need to pump? No, I'm fine. Take care of it myself. I understand they can be quite uncomfortable. No, I'm fine. I'm sorry, are you offering... I've learned to relish the feeling. Are you offering our tiny...

Oh, you got a baby on you, do you? I hadn't noticed. I literally started this conversation by saying... Well, I was thinking about something else, wasn't I? Have you ever tasted it? Me on milk? I always taste me on milk. That's how I know it's good. I had to know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to know. The angrier I get, the souder it gets. That's why I try to keep myself in good spirits. Does it make it sweet? Well, if I'm in good spirits, you don't want sweet milk.

Why not? You want normal cold milk. It just gets colder. It comes out cold. It comes out cold. It's cold. Milker, I think something might be very wrong with you. So the scale is cold to sour. Cold, not sour. Okay. So you've never had, like, a really nice day and it came out chocolate or something? No, nothing like that. Milk, let me ask you a little question. The recently deceased, shall we call him,

What were your feelings on the man? Oh, can't say I was a fan of the man. No, you weren't a fan of him. You're not a fan of Vance. You're not a fan of Vance. Did you like the rest of the family? Not particularly. But they pay me and they let me stare on the cows.

And you taught yourself how to lactate. Yes. That's fabulous. I watched the cows do it. I figured it wasn't that hard. Have you ever talked to a cow? They're not a genius. Can we try some? Some what? Bellow. Bellow. Well, I said a few different liquids. Which one do you want?

The milk. Which milk? The cow milk, the bull milk, or the milk or the milk? I mean, I think if we're asking, we want to try the milk or milk. No, we don't! Thank you, Sternberg. Why is this suddenly a we thing? How are you now curious? I'm first in line. I'm first in line. No, me first. No, me. Me. Boys, boys. He like pulls his nipple out. There's plenty of milk for both of you. The good Lord saw fit to give me two.

How hairy is that nipple? Excuse me? How hairy is... I'm... More than you want. Great. Alright. It's track. Alright, on the count of three. One, two, three. There's a good lad. That's cold. It seems like you had maybe kind of a downer of a morning. Yeah, that's right. That was a little melancholy. Yeah, because I got sort of a sour under, like an undertone. I'm not into this. But it was cold.

It was very cold. It was a bit sour. Do you eat a lot of mint? No. Guys, this is the first person we've met since we got to the manor, and you just... Suckled at him. Honestly, supposed to be identifying weapons probably, and that could have been poison. I have a big milk mustache, just for the record. Oh. I soul. Albie feels weird. Yeah.

All right, so I'll be taking any weapons you have on you. You have to take our weapons? Oh, yeah, we couldn't have you killing everybody. Whoa. Okay. Well, there was just a murder here. You know, it's on high alert. Okay, so I hand over my bow staff and my darts. Oh, thank you very much. I hand over a crossbow. I love that. I hand over my scimitar. I'll take it. Uh-uh.

I'll hand over my crossbow, but everything else is just... You seem as simple as chef, so I have to keep my chef wear on me. Oh, you've got to have your chef's tools on you, don't you? Exacto mundo, my man. Certainly. Anything else? I'm afraid I can't simply... Oh, relinquish the power of my mind. It's the only weapon I have. Is it a weapon? I cast magic spells as offensive measures. Okay, just promise not to do that. I...

I promise. Alright, you're all good to go. If I promise not to use my craft, may I have it back? No. Damn. Something about you I don't trust. That's a great take on you. Yeah, right? That's really observant. It all comes from you have a beak.

Yes, I do have a beak. Oh, yeah, and so when you suckled from me nipple, it hurt like hell. Oh, right, I'm sorry. That's beaks that are not meant to... You don't have a mammal's mouth, you know? No, no, no, no. I'm not a mammal. I'm a bit of a bird indeed. Yeah, I caught that when you were drinking milk from me.

Yes, with my harsh beak. Anyway, I'll be catching up with you guys later. Bye. Wow, we really got a lot of clues out of him, didn't we? We certainly didn't. Oh, wow, I see you've met Milker. I wiped the milk mustache off. Where were you just now? Uh, nowhere. Did you just walk out of the hedge? Their hair is all askew. No, nothing. Did you switch outfits? No. Well, your outfits are...

Part backwards. It's the style. Oh, they were making love. No, we weren't making love. With their bodies. Absolutely not, we weren't. Who were you making love with? I was making love with a ghost. So you were making love. No. You made love with a ghost? You both separately made love with ghosts? Right this way! The doors swing open to, you guessed it, opulence! Oh, baby, this is a beautiful home. This is the fantasy version of MTV Cribs. You like marble? They got marble.

You like tasteful wooden furniture? Oh, they got plenty of that shit. You want an indoor fountain? You fucking got it! It's in this place. There are statues galore. One of the first things you see is a- marble statue of an elf with a dour look on its face, and there's a golden plaque beneath it that says, The First Linsingham. Name, unknown. Last name, Linsingham. you see many beautiful paintings up on the wall. There is a dragon fur pelt.

on the ground knowledge it's very rare uh and as you would have probably guessed for a dragon to have fur in this world but they found one and they killed it and they used its fur That's how rich these people are. There is a single hound obediently sitting at the foot of the massive staircase. I'm talking, this is a...

50 feet wide staircase that just leads up to a balcony. You like chandeliers? You better, because there's two of them in this place. Typically, you walk into a rich person's home and there's a chandelier. You're like, this is a... Nicest place I've ever been in your life. There are two, two chandeliers in this home. One is made of pure silver. The other, pure gold. Any bronze chandeliers? Not in this place. This isn't a dump. No. There are, uh...

As I said, there was a fountain in this place, but I didn't really go into enough detail about the fountain. There is a peacock drinking the water out of a fountain in this place. An indoor peacock. Obviously, there's outdoor peacocks in this place, but this indoor peacock is wearing...

a tiara that's right there's uh uh there's treasure chests with open if they're open they're not even concerned about people stealing from them open packed with treasure there is gold all over the place there is even a uh there's some magic artifacts up on display there is a uh a wand up on a A marble pillar. And there's a gold plaque that says, many believe this to be the first magic wand. It's on display. You can touch it if you want to.

You know, that's how that's how nice this place is. They're not even concerned about they don't give tours of this place. It's just for them when they're at home to look at this magic wand, which many believe may be the first magic wand. There is a a stuffed griffin. in this place. It's in a... It's up in a...

You know, the expression on its face says, I was killed while I was asleep. But it is, you know, it's in a pose to suggest that, like, I was a real badass. I was killed on some sort of safari. There are all sorts of, there are even creatures that, uh, that... None of y'all would recognize...

from your travels or time in the world of Cordelia. And you think, you know, maybe an immoral taxidermist just sort of, you know, jammed a few animals together. There's a tiger with a man's face? That's illegal! He's up on display in this world. Oh my. Gorgeous. No, look. Look who it is. It's Pigsley, our butler. Oh. Yes, very good. Hello, my name is Pigsley.

You looked up his name on this website too? No, Pigsley was all me. From the mind that brought you Poopus. The exactly similar name, Pigsley.

We're going to hit that wall real quick. Pigsley is a human butler of extremely advanced age. He has... Uh, he's almost completely bald, but he has very, very thin white hair and deep lines on his face. Are you, uh, uh, may I help you? Oh, well, first off, um, hello, could you... Is there a safe space for our baby peepis? At Linsingham Manor, no space is entirely safe. Wow. We do have a nursery. Great. I feel so rude.

We didn't ask Milker to milk Peepus. I did, and instead you guys decided you were going to suckle at him. Oh. And it was unlike anything I've ever seen. To be fair, I thought we were all about to follow... get in line, you see. No, I know. It was clear that you were expecting a real lineup. It felt like we were, like, everyone was really excited about it. Yeah, yes. I felt that, too. It seemed like, like...

The whole town was like, oh, we got to get the milk. I completely agree. I'm handing Peepis over to Pigsley. Thank you, baby. How lovely. I'll be putting this baby in the nursery for safekeeping. In the meantime, is there anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable? Well, so you said nowhere in the manor is entirely safe. Nowhere in this manor is ever entirely safe. So what's not safe about the nursery? The nursery? Yeah. It's...

The safest part of the matter. Oh, good. Great, great. It's all a little bit safer now that Vance has finally died. Was he a villain? Vance was a bit of a villain, yes. You'll forgive me for breaking the butler's oath by speaking ill of a former... a master. I will not. I rolled the dice. I cannot believe this. I took a risk and it didn't pay off. Where are you on this stir fry? You know the code.

I do know the courage. That was quite shameful of you, Bigsley. Thank you. If only you had understood what he had put me through in life. He's still going. What is it? Who runs this manor that this servant is allowed to keep speaking ill of his master? Perhaps we pretend to let this one slide just so we can hear some more clues. Very well. It was an elephant.

was murdered. So you've been with the family for a long time? Yes. And you didn't like Vance? No. I've been with the family for 70 years. Wow. Congratulations. I started when I was 70. Wow. Wait, what? I'm sorry, what race are you? Human. Incredible. Yes. Wow. It is incredible. How have you reached such an advanced age? I'll tell you how!

No, it's not funny. It's not a Looney Tune. Is it the milk? It's not the milk. No, if anything, the milk has shortened my lifespan. Yes, obviously. One time I drank that milk, never again. Everybody's trying the milk. I'm not going to. Let's promise each other we're not going to drink. Did you not drink the milk? No. Then you're a stronger man than I. I'm a woman. No one's pretending it's not remarkable. It's a remarkable thing. You don't have to drink everything that's...

It's remarkable. Well, why not? I've drunk many a strange thing simply because it was odd that it existed in the first place. Bubble gum juice? That's a strange thing I drank. Would you like any bubblegum juice? Yes! I could procure you some.

Do you have any other snacks? Yes, I have a manner of snacks. Can we have some? Yes, what are you in the mood for? A sandwich or something? I'm in the mood to solve this freaking murder. You were asking about my advance, didn't you? Yes, please. You see, I... Vance, as a little bit of a prank, forbid me from dying. And I, those of you familiar with the butler's code will remember.

If a master forbids you, you must not do it. But you seem to have broken the code now that he's dead. Death does not absolve me of the code. Oh. Did you know that before he died? Yes. I'm well versed in the butler's code. Can a new master release you from those bones? Yes, but good luck. Why? Who's your new master? The Linsinghams.

My new master, my current and old master, the Linsingham family. Would that be Buckley and Addison? Yes. Let me ask you a question. Do you have any suspicions of who cued the man? I don't know, but I tell you this. I'm glad that he's gone. I think you can understand how severely I feel if I'm breaking Butler Code to say this. I wouldn't even break Butler Code to die. But I will break butler code to say that this was a terrible man. Can you give us an example of something that...

Bade him from dying. Totally, totally. But like. Which is how it should be. Mr. DeBonesby. DeBonesby walked, he's like walked away. He's so upset with this butler breaking butler code and he walks back to give a comment and then he turns back around. He'd tie my shoelaces together. He'd go for a handshake and then move his hand away quite abruptly. This is a real... Which is his right! This is right to do! As your master!

Wide range. If you will allow me a moment of indecency, he turns around and sort of shows you the top of, just above his waistline and his back. This tale is from how he would pull on my spine. He pulled on my spine until I had a tail. Oh, wow. Wait, what? Yes, this four-inch protrusion. Is that a thing that can happen? I didn't think so. It's a thing that did happen, though. Who would you suggest we speak to first? Perhaps the lady of the manor. Is that Addison? No, no, no, no. Bunny.

Bunny Linsingham. Their mother. Is she a snow bunny? No. Is she like a whole thing? She is a whole thing. Amazing. What's her hair like? Tell me right now before we see her. I must admit, beautiful. Naturally. I do like hair. There are those who suspect that she dyes it, but I know the truth. I'll never tell. No! That's just a joke. I will tell. It's natural. Wow. Wow. Wait a minute. That might be him not telling. My sixth sense here. Do you have a...

Crash on a bunny. I wouldn't dare. Tell us. A woman like her is far above my station. Oh, this is so hot. She's below and above. She's 999. She doesn't look a day over 700. And I... Look every single day of my 140 years. I mean, look, yeah. Look, you can admit it, I know. Yeah. Yeah, we know. Sure, there have been stolen glances, but nothing more. Oh my god.

You got to go for it. No, I don't got to go for it. You got to. I could be killed. No, you got to. Did none of you grow up with servants? What are you doing? I just walked away again. He's so upset. I grew up completely alone in the woods. Listen to me, man. Yes. You're only going to be 140 once. You have to tell her how you feel. True. That's what they said about 135. It's almost summer. You're only going to be 135 once. Tell that to 136. It was the same shit. Oh.

But Vance is gone now. Yes, Vance is gone. It's a new era for you, right? Perhaps, yes. Maybe it's an era of love? Buckley and Addison don't have his choleric temperament. Is he a baby? What? Was he a baby? No, he's talking about the four humors. No, not colicky. I'm talking about the four humors. Are they more phlegmatic? A long disproven science. I see, I see. They're not phlegmatic. They're sanguine. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I myself am melancholic. Yes, can we? We know, we know. If I may speak for the good person, may we see this bunny? When she's good and ready. Do you want us to put in a good word? Do you want... Do I want you to put in a good word? That's rich. That's richer than Bunny herself. So, yes. I'll put in the good word for you.

But we could tell her... You could tell her nothing without me. Do you want to say that if she's dating anyone? I know if she's dating anyone. I know she's not dating anyone. That's what people think all the time. She's a widower. She's not dating. I know she's not dating. She killed her old husband. Here's what we'll do. This lady is crazy. Did you just say she killed her husband? Look, it would never happen. Wait, was Vance her husband? Did we just solve it? No, Vance was her son.

She killed her old husband for being one-sixteenth human. I'm every bit human. It would never work. But you're a different guy. Yes, I'm a different guy. Here's what we'll do. It's super easy. I'll take this piece of paper and I'll write on it. Do you like Pigsley? And then I'll make a box for yes and a box for no. Don't do this. She won't associate it with you at all. Look, I know because of my explosive personality you think that I...

I'm a showy guy and that I love shows of affection like that, but you're making me uncomfortable. Okay, but what if I up this ante a little bit? Along with a piece of paper, we'll provide a... pen with which for her to write a check I'm begging you not to do this oh oh oh I've got this will make it better I'll add a maybe box in these 70 years I've carved out

little bit of respect i could get from her it means the world to me i won't have you tarnish it you all really really need to figure out the the whole social structure between masters and servants It's true. One of my personality traits is literally I'm oblivious to etiquette and social expectations. Well, I'm giving you the answers right now. And my personality trait is that I talk about my hero and aspirations to everyone I meet. Hey, do you know Cretus? Yes, everybody knows Cretus.

Yeah? Has he ever been here? No. No? I'm just familiar from the stories. Do you have any books about him? Yes. Can I go see them? Not until the murder is solved. What about the sandwiches? Now you have to solve them. Oh, the sandwiches? He like runs. He's still carrying the baby.

That's fine. So Peepus is... Be careful with Peepus! You look up at the top of the enormous stair. It's a very grand staircase. And a beautiful, demure elf in an enormous dress. She's dressed like a southern belle at the top of the stairs. Hell yeah. Describe her hair, please. Start. It's strawberry blonde curls. They're tightly wound, but they've loosened up a little. She has an enormous bonnet.

In her hair and a fan, like a parasol that she's holding. Not a fan, a parasol. Inside? Yes. Amazing. Yeah, she has a parasol inside. I declare, who is that down at the bottom of the stairs? Wow. Greetings, milady. Yes. My name is Sloane Langley Thatcher. Pleased to make your acquaintance. She drifts like beautifully and effortlessly like down the stairs. Her head doesn't bob up and down. She just like drifts to the bottom.

Aye, aye, aye. Miss Thatcher. A pleasure to meet you. A pleasure to be met. So sorry for your loss. We're so sorry. I thank you for your kindness. What are your names? My name's Fry. The thing of it is my name. It's stir fry. I step in front of stir fry. Yes. Yes, my name is Count Frederick de Bonesby. A count. Of course.

I'm Albie. We'll all talk about it later. This is my servant, Sir Fry. He's very excited to be in your lovely home. Are you of the DeBonesby family? Yes. I don't believe I recognize you. Ah, that is because my face has melted off of my bones. I didn't want to say. I appreciate it so much. I'm Albie of the Don family and we've been your neighbors for years. I don't believe I'm familiar. I'm Cordelia. You might have me mistaken for a Linsingham.

Oh. I am not a Linsingham. Sure. I'm from a different family. Yeah. The Thatchers. Great. And what was your name? Oh, I'm Cordelia Sasquatch of the Sasquatches, but I've never met another one. She's my best friend. You've never met another? How very alone you must feel. No, I got friends, and then when I'm alone, I don't feel bad about it. Don't feel bad when you're alone. No. Interesting. And what, pray tell, is your name? I make eye contact with the rest of the party and say, I'm Billo.

And aren't you a vision in blue? Yeah, people say that that's what color I am. Charm to make your acquaintance. Anyway, it's nice to meet you. It's nice to be met. How can I help you? Well, um, slow enough for me. Maybe so. We may call you by your first name, of course. I prefer to be called Miss Thatcher. Miss Thatcher? We'll call you, of course, Miss Thatcher. I understand. We were just trying to solve your late husband's birth. My fiancé. Of course.

You were never wed. You don't always have to talk first. If you don't know what to say, it's actually very polite to just hold back and reserve.

Let that be a lesson in your learning to speak. Yes, Mr. DeBonesman. Who found your fiancé's body? Oh, well, that would be pubic. Come again? I don't think we've met Pubic yet. I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting Pubic. I have not had the pleasure. And who is Pubic? Oh, a house goblin. I'm guessing, yeah, not an elf. Not an elf. Pubic. You keep goblin.

Yes, we keep goblins. Rude creatures. Now this is getting exciting. They are very rude, but we think that we civilize them. I've never met a goblin. Never? Yes, we did. Our bunkmate was a goblin. Wait, what? Yeah. Tilda. You flashback really quickly. You have a memory of Tilda saying, I'm an ugly gnome! Stop!

Are you sure? You're a goblin. What? No, I'm an ugly gnome. No, you're a goblin. I've been through this before. I think I know what I'm seeing. I think I know what I'm seeing. Flash forward. Here's a picture of my family. See, all gnomes. I don't. I don't see it. I'm closing my eyes. I don't see it. No, I've lost the history. I'm a bully. I think, I think she... No, you must have been right. Okay. Well, we're here to solve a murder. How did he die? He was exsanguinated. We know what that means.

We don't. In layman's terms... All of their blood was taken out. But you need that. He was a husk. Sorry, I talked before I heard you joke. Oh, he's a husk. Was it a... Do you think it was a... V-v-v... V-v-v... Sectomy? No, I very much doubt that. Cordelia, you're... You're so funny. He was intent on having heirs. Okay, I'm sorry. Intent. In that case, was he a vampire? A vampire? Yeah. I doubt that very much.

But were there any little fang holes in his neck or something? We looked for them and didn't find any. There were no wounds. There was no wounds that we could find. And yet there was no blood. A classic locked blood mystery. Did he drink any of Milker's milk? Yes, he drank his milk all the time. Did he ever have an issue where, like, he would pee out all his blood?

Where he would pee out all his blood? Yeah. No, he would just pee out a little bit of blood after like a kidney trauma, but nothing more. Checks out, checks out. So that just wasn't a combination. What? That wasn't something that happened to him all the time. That he would be outbound. No. He didn't pee out blood. Because you see, if it had been a common thing, then he would have peed out all his blood. That's the exsanguination. We could assume he just had a big pee that left him dead.

Exactly. But now since we've learned that he doesn't do that, we'll just take that right off the list. Do you do this professionally? Okay, this was a murder. We believe it to be a murder. It's just important to get these things out of the way because you have to eliminate all the improbable things. Improbable things and then the improbable... It's a whole saying. I suspect pubic.

Well, can we meet him? You suspect Pubic? I do. What would he do with all that blood? Well, Pubic, you see, was, uh, Pubic was in charge of the hunts. And Vance was out on a hunt when he was killed. Oh. The only one with him was Pubic. Were they riding on any steeds? The horse was found nearby. Okay. And was executed, as is our custom. For failing to return with his master? A horse should protect the master. Yes, of course. Mark, well, there's only...

There's so much a horse can do if something's going around sucking the blood out of people. Well, did you all? Hopefully this horse did its fair part. Was the horse armed? No, Frederick. Sorry. I see you having a... Busting a fucking nut back there, but not everyone's gonna matter. Oh my god. Put that away. She fans herself. You must destroy an animal that does not protect its master. It is the only way. It's the only way to be kind to the animal. You're...

You're terrible. Well, no, we think that it would be cruel for the animal to live on in guilt. It's not a perfect system, but it's the best we have. You're beautiful. Thank you very much. A compliment well-meant and well-received. You are not striking out with me. Mr. Brunsby, you did well that time. Such a strange little bird. Tell me, Bert, do you fly? No. You see, apparently my people have been stripped of flight for something we did against a great god. Such a beautiful thing to fly.

Yeah, so I've always wanted to. You see, I used to not be able to talk, but then... Elves are creatures of the ground. Unless... No. What? Unless we were to fly. I hope not. But then, do you know how to make... To be perfectly honest, Sloane... Again, I would prefer Miss Thatcher. Miss Thatcher, of course. I've always wanted to fly myself. Perhaps we could find an arrangement in which we both could... Can we meet pubis?

Pubic? Whatever. I don't know his name. Why, you need only say Pubic's name three times for him to appear. Okay, let's all do it at once. Pubic, pubic, pubic. What's up, motherfuckers? A, uh... disgusting, vile little goblin dressed like a fox pushes his way past, out in between Buckley and Addison. He like pushes them apart like they're like doors in a saloon.

And he walks towards you guys proudly and confidently. He sort of like leads with a crotch. He's like, what's up? Oh, so they were hunting him. Oh, for the fax hat? Yeah. Yeah. They dress me up like a fax and chase me around. Wait a minute. How come? That's fine. That's fine. Okay. What's up? Why'd you say my name? Say my name three times. What do you want? Hey, we just wanted to talk to you, man. Hey, what do you want to talk about?

Don't call me man. Sorry about that murder thing. What did you call me man for? I thought we had maybe a rapport. Nah, we don't have no fucking rapport. You gotta earn it with me. Real quick, so sorry to interject. Yeah. Does anybody in our party happen to speak Goblin? The grasp of English is, well, you can hear it. I speak infernal. Oh, I can speak goblin. I speak goblin? Yes, I can speak goblin. Let's talk. Please converse in goblin. Oh, no. Yo, what's up, bish?

That's not goblin. That's just a weird, you're doing like a weird dialect, like a regrettable voice. Stir fry, if you can't speak goblin, that's okay. Stir fry, that was common. I can speak goblin. All right, all right, all right. Let him open. Okay, yes, please. You want me to speak Goblin to you? Yeah, and then I'll speak it back. This is Goblin. Hey, what's up man?

Okay, yeah, that was a little better. You got a real accent. Yeah, it's not natural to me, but I just, you know, I can speak it. It's not the best accent for sure, but we can agree I'm actually speaking the language. Okay, yeah, what do you want? Well, I just, well, first of all... Oh, you proved you can speak God? You can hang, I guess. Yeah, I can hang. What do you want? What's your problem? I just interject real quick. Now, isn't it nice that we don't have to pay attention to the goblin?

Wait, hold on. I speak common. I heard that. I don't go into a fugue state. I just didn't want to listen to him. He doesn't speak for all of us. All right. Hey, so what happened to Vance? Like, who killed this guy? Oh, yeah, his blood got sucked out. Yeah, we heard about it. So it sucked out. How did it get sucked out? I don't know. We couldn't find any wounds, you know? Exsanguinators are the word weird. Yeah, but I don't have that.

That word's not a goblin. Yeah, it's in Latin. Sanguinos means it's blood in Latin. Shut the fuck up! Oh, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Embrace. You alright, man. Yeah, you're cool, you're cool. Okay, but who you fucking think did it? Who you think did it?

I think he did it? Yeah. I think he fucking did it himself. You think he killed himself? You think he exsanguinated his own damn blood? I think he threw like a weird... Like a spell or something? Oh, fucking something. I don't know. Hey, I have another question for you. Yeah. Sloan's a...

Babe, right? Yeah, babe, she's hot. She is a bi- I mean, I feel like she's actually gonna like me, to be perfectly honest. Yeah, you think that? Yeah, you should go for it. You think I should go for it? I mean, mine's fucking well. Are you fucking with me on Sheila? Yeah, she's weird as hell, though, dude. Oh, really? She's weird. She seems-

No, she's not out there right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I got you. Hey, who do you have a crush on? What? Who do you have a crush on? I feel like I know who everyone's got a crush on. I don't know who you got a crush on. The Butthole Queen. Who the hell is that? That's the guy. Wait, you don't just be a goblin when you don't know the Butthole Queen. Meanwhile, we're all eating the sandwiches. Yes, sorry, I've returned with the sandwich. Our teeth met pubic. Yes, yes. We summoned him.

How? What's up, you old piece of shit? Yes, hello, pubic. All right, I'm done talking to you. Best friends. Wait, you're gonna talk to me? Is that what I'm saying? What? No, I was talking to Paisley. I gotcha, I gotcha. What did you learn? Sir, how's your progress? Oh, this guy's fucking alright. I mean... I mean, he's got a good answer. He thinks Vance did it to himself, but by a spell, right? He says there's a spell or something?

Yeah, I see what happens with a spell. Some sort of spell of some sort. A suicide spell? I suppose so. A suicide spell? That's what I think so. Did Vance do spells? Yeah, Vance did a spell or two. Did anyone examine Vance's body for magical residue? Yeah, we didn't find any. I think we need to examine that body. I think we need to see the body. All right, it goes to the body. Awesome. Can we finish our food? No. I'm assuming there was no pool of blood around him. Nope, no blood.

The blood was just gone. How did you know the blood was gone if there was no exit wound and there was no blood on the ground? You see the guy with no blood? You know. Soup's pale. Sorry, does anybody in the house suddenly appear like rather rosy?

Hmm. Like heavy with blood? Honestly? No, not like heavy with blood, Rosie, but everybody was a little happier. Everyone was happier? Spirits have been way higher. It sounds like he was a bummer to everyone. Yeah. Pubic. Somewhat of a villain. I'm pubic. You said my name and my name is Pubic. Great. Let's say that Vance didn't kill himself. Who would be your first choice to have murdered him? Like if someone had to murder him. Like if I had to pick someone? Yeah. Like if I had my druthers. Yeah.

I guess I would probably say the person I most wanted to have killed him was Bunny. Bunny? Yeah. His own mom? Yeah, his own mom. Well, so far everyone we've met has ties to. Does anything happen when you turn a thousand? Oh, for elves? Yeah, for elves. Yeah, you die. What? Yeah, you die. Really? Yeah. Is it possible that you don't die? You turn into a beautiful dream. Oh. Oh. It's nice. It's beautiful to watch. Why don't we discuss this all further tonight at the reveal?

How you doing, folks? It's me, uh, world-renowned and beloved dungeon master Branson Reese. But I'm not here to talk about myself. No, oh, no, I'm here to talk about our Patreon, which exists, and you can subscribe to it. You know, if you're liking the show, and I know you are.

You're listening to an ad in the middle of it. I know you're liking the show. What you're going to want to do is hop on over to the Patreon and subscribe. We have got hours of bonus audio content. We've got a separate show. That we have, it's only, it's a Patreon exclusive. We have all sorts of art that is, uh, it's made by the, you know, we've got a few artists in the cast and crew. And, uh, we've got exclusive art just for you, just for the patrons. We've also got a Discord.

which is, it's popping off. And if you want to get invited to it, all you got to do is join our Patreon. And we got a real special treat. We have something called Elf Lords. If you subscribe at a certain level, we will thank you by name on the show, which I'm about to do right now. That's a huge thank you. to J.D. Cohen, a massive thank you to Tony DaCosta, a just unbelievably big thank you to Juliette Mandeville, and to either, this name is either Butterick or But Eric.

You know I'm going to go with But Eric. I just, I got to say thank you so much. To all of our Elf Lords, we thank you. And if you'd like to be an Elf Lord, you know, it's just a click away. Patreon. Get clicking. canto por favore here the wealthiest elf in nethermerk a man of my exquisite taste pays a lot for a lot of things but if there's one thing i refuse to pay a dime too much for

It's wireless telephone service. If you're still overpaying for wireless, it's time to say yes to saying no. At Mint Mobile, their favorite word is no. No contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no BS, which stands for blatant sassafras. Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. Here's why I said yes to making the switch and getting premium wireless for $15 a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest...

5G network and you use it with your own phone. Do it with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. That is all 100% true. What is not true is that I could ever be a real person with a telephone. No, see, I'm an NPC, a non-playable character in this completely made-up entertainment pod. cast but the real man who's playing me is sick of using a different cell phone service that will not be named but charges seventy dollars a month plus fees

Mint service is just as good and would save me, uh, him, $55 a month. Ready to say yes to saying no? Make the switch at mintmobile.com slash rudetails. That's mintmobile.com slash rudetails. Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month. Limited time new customer offer for first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Hello again from your best friend and most beloved Rude Tales character, Grundle.

The bog monster who doesn't stink anymore. Now that my nose holes aren't completely overwhelmed by my own stink, I've really come to love the smells of fall. Campfires, mulled ciders, pumpkin. A false smell I don't like is a human body. After playing football, raking leaves, or going hunting without a bath for days, those human bodies get stinky. And that's why they need Mando deodorant.

From your pits to your perineum, Mando's got high performance odor control and sweat control that actually lasts all day. Forget those colognes that just mask the stink. Mando blocks odor before it starts. It's one stick, two jobs. It's not magic. It's science. Hello, C. Hastings, the world-renowned voice actor of Grundle here. I actually use Mando all the time.

So much so that when I used up all the free product they gave me, I went and I bought more. Yeah, I actually paid for this product that I'm advertising. No other product has kept my disgusting organic sweat machine from stinking like Mando has. And that's all there is to it. I'm even wearing it right now.

Mando is a deodorant that was re-engineered to stop odor before it starts. It uses gentle mandelic acid that eats up odor-causing bacteria before they even have a chance to stink up your life. And the Clinical Strength Sweat Control handles both sweat and odor for 72 hours. After just 12 hours, underarm sweat was reduced by 92%. No more worrying about sweat stains or those embarrassing pit rings. Just all-day freshness and dryness.

Mando's starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice, like mini body wash and deodorant wipes, and free shipping. As a special offer for listeners, new customers get 20% off site-wide with our exclusive code. Use code RUDETALES at shopmando.com for 20% off site-wide and...

free shipping that's s-h-o-p-m-a-n-d-o dot com please support our show and tell them that we sent you with that code rude tales mando's got you covered with deodorant plus sweat control say goodbye to sweat stains and hello to long-lasting freshness

You're led by Pigsley into a secluded room down a long, foreboding hallway. There are many framed pictures of different members of the Linsingham family going back hundreds and hundreds. of years their eyes seem to be following you as you walk down the hallway the hallway is lined with bookshelves full of books and uh priceless vases and all sorts of sculptures and arts. There are chandeliers all over the place. There's an expensive carpet and the walls are like a dark...

deep mahogany wood. Do the portraits all have the basic same face and then a few flourishes of personality? One's got a cowboy hat. You can see the Linsingham. the look of their faces. One of them is, his name is Tex Linsingham. He looks a little different than the others, though. He's on the back of an A-bomb waving his hat. Right this way. Pigsley takes a book marked Treating Your Butler Well and he pulls on it and it reveals a secret entrance.

The entire bookshelf, as he pulls it, it sort of swings forward, revealing a hidden doorway right this way. But Mr. Pigsley, what if someone wanted to read that book? It hasn't come up. Can we bring our sandwiches back there? Yes, you can bring the sandwiches. I love secret stairways. He leads you down a... He pulls a lit torch off the wall and leads you down a... a dark stairway. It feels like there's, it's all, uh, uh, like white light, like bleached stone.

everywhere it's very very cold the temperature drops abruptly as soon as you start walking down it's a thin staircase that starts to curve and turn and you find yourself before too long it's uh formed itself into a spiral staircase You walk down the spiral staircase and you find yourself emptied out into a room. It's about 20 by 20. It's not very big. It's freezing cold and it's also lit by torches.

On the room is a single stone slab where you see the body of Vance Linsingham laying completely nude. Yes, if you'd like to examine the body, it's right here. It's as cold as a sip of milk down here. Yes, well, ideally, isn't it? A happy sip of milk? Yeah. I crack my finger knuckles on my bony hands. And I cast... Detect magic on the body. So you cast this spell and it, you feel, it's not, there's nothing visible happens to you, but you feel it, like a sixth sense suddenly.

Everything along the walls, you feel that there's some sort of magic coming from there. You feel a trace amount of magic coming from Pigsley, specifically his hand. And you're actually getting a ton of magic. Like if it's like a heat map, like the way the Predator sees something, it's like red, red, red coming from Cordelia. She's just like bright red. And you can tell that it's infernal magics. Oh.

Well, a different clue for a different time, Cordelia. What? You're piping hot with infernal magic. But I'm not getting a ton of clues as to the body. Pigsley, I have a question about your hand. Yes. Magical. No. What is it? The hand itself is not magical. I'm sorry, I should have warned you, the torches are magical. Oh, that'll do. It's a relatively minor charm. They burn, but they do not cause warmth. Yes, yes, I'm familiar. I just...

I don't need the x-ray. You are beneath me instead. And nothing really on the body. Nothing on the body. Mr. DeBonesby, am I magical? You get nothing. Of course. And we're getting something off the walls. Oh, yeah, there would be the torches lining the walls. Just more of the torches. They provide light but not warmth.

A bit of a devious spell of my own design. You designed it. I cross to the body. Can I do an investigation check? You certainly can. There's nothing lingering on the body. If magic was done, it is long gone. 12. Oh, 12, yes. So, as like me, you can see that the body is nude. You see he's... He's devoid of any body hair whatsoever. Whoa. Completely smooth. A smooth man lays before you, nude. His long blonde hair lays slack.

He has a now serene expression on his face. And for a 12, you can tell he's uncircumcised. Can I do a medicine check? I lean in real quick. Honestly, for a three, you could have known. Yes. Can I do a medicine check? He's not cut. You can do a medicine check. I got a 17. Okay, great. There is... Examining the body, you can tell that there is... He was not poisoned. Okay. There was no... You can tell that he was drained of his blood and that the blood was...

Yeah, it wasn't like poison. Nothing replaced the blood. He's simply empty of blood. Okay. Wow, he really is empty of blood. And no wound. No wounds. Does his breath smell like milk? Were you, you were doing a medicine check? Yeah, I just wanted to see if there was any obvious kind of anatomical, physiological. I guess you might have noticed there was his right ankle.

Okay. Right beneath the bone of the ankle, right on the heel. Right in that sort of fleshy spot, there were two very small, clean incisions. Oh. Guys, check this out. What could have made two incisions with no... Well, I believe... Shoot your shot, come on. I believe it would, of course, be a vampire. A foot vampire? What manner of pervert are you describing? Vampire bats often bite into the heel of...

of horses and stuff like that. Oh, so you think it was a vampire bad who got all of his blood? I'm just saying that vampire doesn't have to go in the neck. A vampire can go from any which way to get blood. Also, if it was a bat on his foot, he could just, like, kick it with the other foot. No, I'm not saying it was a bat. You sort of are. You sort of are. I'm just saying that there's a tradition of bloodsuckers going for the heel.

I mean, I would have assumed that his heel was shod. Pigsley, that raises an important question. When Vance was killed, were his heels shod? Yes, his heels were shod. What are you thinking? Please. I'm sorry. I forget myself. A Linsingham out on a fox hunt with unshod heels. It is a good one. Going on a fox hut without shoes. I'm cold. Yeah, me too. Yes, we should come from here. I think we've gathered all we could. We'll reconvene in one hour's time for the reveal. What's the reveal?

You're going to reveal who the murderer was. Oh, we are? What? Yes. Well, we haven't even talked to Bunny yet. Okay, well, you were paid detectives. You can talk to Bunny during the reveal. Wait, we can talk to one of the potential suspects during the time where we're supposed to... I assure you, Bunny is innocent of all wrongdoing. Is that your head, your noggin, or your heart talking? It's both.

My heart and Noggin are in alignment. Pigsley, but if we don't talk to her before the reveal, I won't get to ask her our important question. I don't want you to ask. That's why I'm not letting you have alone time with her. I don't want you to ask the important question that will embarrass me.

All right, well then why don't we all retire and we'll meet in an hour? In one hour's time. Okay. We'll just go to our one bed. Should we just walk upstairs? Yeah, sorry, I said it like goodbye, but we all have to walk out of here together. Okay, just don't look at me. My hands are both on fire. It feels good. Mr. Pigsley, do you ever wonder if maybe you're not embarrassed? You're just afraid of being happy? Right this way. He leads you up the stairs.

and leads you down the hallway again and up the grand staircase through the incredible beautiful there's chandeliers everywhere this place oh i'm telling you it's beautiful there is uh there's old uh wallpaper everywhere it's like yellowed but it looks beautiful it's uh there's exposed wood that looks like curated you know And the wallpaper depicts beautiful and famous events in the Linsingham line, like elves saving people.

elves with a ton of money. It's very opulent. That's like one of their most famous moments was having a ton of money. So, Bunny killed her husband because he was a little bit human, right? Yes, 1 16th. It was revealed. So, wouldn't that mean that her kids are 1 32nd human? I'm glad you finally asked. No, that was... What? Yes, that was from a different line. Oh. She remarried after that killing that husband. Oh. I think I just sort of. And with that husband, these three children came.

I just assumed they were fully elvish because I think they would have been real upset if they weren't. Oh, they would have had a pinnick attack, yes. A pinnick. Pardon me, but have we met their father? Uh, no, he died. He turned 1,000 and became a somber dream. A somber dream? Usually it's a beautiful dream, but he was a dour man indeed. When is Bunny's, uh, death day?

It's coming up soon. Is it in an hour? About a year from today. Not today exactly, but a year next week. Does that distress you, Pigsley? Yes. Oh, I'm so sorry. Don't say it like that. It feels like you don't mean it. No, I mean it so much, Pigsley. You've got to make the most of these remaining days. So this is your bedchamber. He opens a room and you find yourself in a...

A room with an enormous bed with a huge canopy. It's like a California king, this bed. It's beautiful. There is one single giant... opulently ornamented uh window which is like gold rimmed and it's looking out over the grounds you can see the hedge maze you can see the fountains you can see the archery range um and there are uh

That's it. There's just the one bed. There is a dresser, and there is a mirror in the room, but otherwise there is nothing. Except for a mysterious stranger standing in the middle of the room. Whoa! Who's that? Who are you? Who are you? My name. You sound normal. I am normal. My name is Blaine. I spoke too soon. Blaine. Yes. I'm just a normal human passing through town.

Can I roll some kind of insight? I want to roll an insight check. Roll that insight check. Yeah, because his accent's pretty fishy. A nine. A nine? Yeah. He appears to be, as he says, you can just tell, you know, an aura of mystery shrouds this man, and he has a long cape. Mr. DeBonesby? No, my name is Blaine. Yeah, I know. I'm talking to my friend.

Ah, I thought you were talking to me. A simple misunderstanding. Certainly. Forgiven immediately. Are you staying in this room with us? Yes, if that's all right. Oh. Um... Albie. Yeah? I might regret this, but... Dibs? Yeah. Yours. Thank you. Hey, Blaine. Yes. You get that this isn't a town, right? This is like a country manor.

Well, yes, but the expression passing through town doesn't literally mean that I'm going from the entrance to the exit of a town. You seem like a guy who says things very literally. Well... When you assume you make an ass out of you and me. Whoa! Amazing! Canonically, this is the first time anyone said that in this world.

I gotta admit, you burned me, man. I really got you. That's very clever. You're a very clever man, aren't you? Well, I haven't really done much to show myself as very clever yet, but I do thank you for the compliment. Hey, Blaine. Yes? Did you also get wrangled into trying to solve this murder? Yes. They wanted me to be a detective. But I said I would rather not. And they accepted my answer. They did? Yes.

They offered me money, but I said, to me, money is no object. Wow. They were confused by this, but respectfully accepted. So are you saying that money is no object because you don't have a lot of money? Well... In a lot of ways, I do have enough money. And in other ways, I could always use more, but I try not to have too much money. Can I make an investigation check on this dude? Yes. See if anything seems odd about him? It does, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Other than like his bizarre manner. Right. And his just a complete neutrality. The only thing that seems strange is his cape seems to be moving just like a little bit. It's like there's like a breeze in here that there isn't. Hey, Blaine. Yes. We're bros now, right? No. We're like friends, though. No. We're pretty cool with each other. I don't wish you ill. What's the deal with your cape? To be honest? Yeah. I don't totally know. Oh.

It moves like that. I found it harmless. What's going on with the clothing that was underneath the cape? Well, I'm wearing normal commoner clothes for this era and location. They look lovely. Thank you very much. I try to wear clothes that fit. Cordelia, Cordelia. Yeah, what's up? You're killing. Thank you. Blaine, do you think I could? Yes, of course I can tell. I know who has credit on who.

Just keep going. You really do have a sixth sense for this. I really do. Thank you. It's very subtle, but very clear if it needs to be seen. Okay, thank you. Very nice. Oh! You're such a good wingman. That's fucked up. Oh, I'm sorry. It's fucked up. I'm sorry. Wings fly. These can't fly. I'm sorry. It's okay. I got out of control. Would you guys like to rest before the big reveal? I've just rested, and I would like to offer the bed to you. I don't need it.

Did you change the sheets? Yes. Thanks. You're welcome. I did not know I would have guests, but I find it's always good to change the sheets just in case. And look, I was right. I just think it's weird that in a huge house we're being forced to share a room with another stranger. Let's not worry about it.

Okay. I think if it's a thing of they're so rich, they don't know how to be considerate of other people. Yeah. They hurt my feelings a few times. I'm sorry, Blaine. It's okay. Blaine, where are you from? Well I didn't expect to go through my whole life without getting my feelings hurt. That would be pretty silly. That would be silly. I'm from far away from here. I've heard of it.

Blaine, do you know who killed Vance? No, I don't know who killed Vance. If I did, I would have taken the detective job. That seems like easy money to me. But just being here and talking to the people, do you have a guess? Do I suspect anybody? Yeah. Yes. Is it pubic? Milker. Did you drink his milk? Yes. Hold up, everyone. I high five. So what did you think of the milk? I thought it was cold, which is good. Okay, we also thought it was a little bit sour.

It wasn't sour for me. We had just like a sour undertone. It was cold. He must have had a sad moment after I drank his milk. Yeah. Interesting. He did say he still had a bad day. What is it with the men drinking these? I don't know. Yeah, I'm going to take a rest, actually. I'm going to pop in this bed here. I have more information on Milker. Thanks. We'd love it. The reason I think that he killed Vance is because Vance killed Milker's wife.

What? Why didn't Milker mention that? Probably because he's embarrassed about what his wife was. A cow? Yes. Oh! I mean, come on. That was so obvious. You're right. His wife was a cow named Bethesda. I love that name. His wife was a cow named Bethesda that Vance had killed out of cruelty. Milker swore revenge.

How could Milker have performed this exsanguination? Well, I don't know. But I do think that he swore revenge. I know because he told me. Well, also we know that Vance drank Milker's milk regularly. So if Milker taught himself how to make milk, and we know that Milker's milk changes based on how he's feeling, maybe that was enough to make his milk lethal.

To Vance. This is an interesting line of thought you're pursuing. I can't wait to hear more in an hour. Okay, you guys take a short rest. You seem hell-bent on not doing it. You take a short rest. We're supposed to just relax with this fucking crate. It's like, we're due to give a presentation in an hour and we don't have it ready, but we're supposed to take a nap for that entire hour instead of working on the presentation.

You can stay up. You don't have to take the nap. Also, it's a California king, but many of us are huge. Yes. Like, I think this is going to be a cozy little nap. I mean, does stir fry sleep in a bed? What? Do you sleep in a bed? I sleep under the bed. In a little sleeping bag. We cut forward to an hour from now. We're in the great hall. The great hall.

It's a long hallway with an extremely long couch along the wall. And on the other side of the wall, an enormous portrait of Vance in happier times. stands before you it's an oil painting of him a single rose is laid on a desk directly beneath it Or sorry, not like a hearth, like a chimney fireplace right beneath it. There's a single rose laid there. And the cool burning fire is in the fireplace. All of the guests sit in attendance.

At the couch, you guys are up. From left to right, there are, you see Buckley, Addison, their mother. bunny who you are seeing for the first time she is 999 years old her appearance is obsessively well maintained She's heavily made up. She has the makeup of a French aristocrat with the white face and the mole. Her hair is not dissimilar to Frederick de Bonesby's, but it's a little bit more of a feminine.

She wears an enormous dress, and she has the harshest features you've ever seen on a living organism. Standing next to the fireplace is Pigsley, who I've described before. Next to Bunny on the couch is Milker. Next to Milker is Sloane Langley Thatcher. Next to Sloane Langley Thatcher is Blaine. And Scooting Around on the Ottoman. is pubic there's a tiny ottoman and he's like riding it around uh just like grunting while he scoots um yes yes yes attention everyone uh

Our five guests would like to make a presentation. They believe that they know the murderer of Vance, who the guilty body is in Vance's murder. And if they don't know... There will be consequences. Oh, of course. Yeah, you'll continue wondering who killed him for the rest of your lives. We'll see. You have the floor. Um... Vance? Was a complicated man. Yes, he seemed to rub many the wrong way. But you know, don't we all rub ourselves the wrong way every once in a while?

Stop making that gesture. Oh, man. And yet, at the same time, he was nothing if not a brother, a son. A pure-blooded elf? Bunny. sort of adjusts in her seat. And who is suggesting otherwise? Not suggesting, um, Madam... Bunny! Bunny. Forgive me, we haven't introduced ourselves. It's so nice to finally meet you, Bunny. Charmed, I'm sure! I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you!

Of your full-blooded elf son. He was a pure elf! Yes. Like his mother! And his father! Yeah. And his siblings! That checks out. But not! Like my ex-husband! No! Who I had killed! I volunteer this freely! What was his name? David! Well, you know, Bunny, to me... The only real mysteries are one of the heart. And for perhaps to solve this mystery is not about death but about life and love. And so I do have one name I'd like to...

Throw you away. The guilty party? No, no, no. Well, guilty of perhaps a bit too much affection. What? Stir fry. I look at... Dude, it's the only thing we actually know. Look at Pixley. Stryffray, this is not the way. I beg you! I'm making the, like, under my neck. Stryffray, Stryffray, can I talk to you for a second? Pigsley is the name I say. He did not murder your son, but he is in love with you! And isn't life in...

love the most important thing there is in this world? No! All eyes go to Pigsley, who turns ghastly white. I apologize for my imprudence. What? What's going on here? Your butler loves you. He what? He loves you. Me human butler loves me? He's been in love with you for decades. Is that true, Pixley? I... I... I have only the truth to shield me. And so I go willingly to my certain death.

Yes. Yes, I have always loved you. Wow. Since the first time I laid eyes on you. I knew this was a house of crushes. I'm looking at Blaine. I'm looking at Blaine looks like right back at you. Wow, that butler was in love with her. I'll be Blaine. I did it. I figured it out. However, there's a bigger mystery still afoot. Okay. Who murdered Vance? Yes, that is it. That's what you guys are here to solve. That info didn't shake out with that. Wait. There's more. Yes.

It was mutual. It was mutual? Well, it's not up to me if it was mutual. Was it mutual? Will! Higgsley! We'll talk about this privately! Stop singing that awful folk song! At once! I'll deal with my butler as I see fit. Yeah, girl. Pixley! Before I speak to you in private, I must know. Are you fully human? Well, yes. I am 100% human, although I do somewhat look like a little piggy because of my tail.

A tale your son created on me. I did not put that together. That's where the name Pigsley came from. That makes perfect sense. What was your given name? Pigsley. It was a happy coincidence. But, Bunny, think about it. You've got a year left. There are plenty of ways to have a rich and fulfilling relationship without... I'll think about me time left on this earth, how I see fit. You just don't have to, like, mix blood with him, you know? You can still, like...

I'm far beyond me years of getting pregnant. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And he, look, this is gross, but he's pure tears. So you value that? And you agree it's good to be pure. No, I'm just saying. Blood purity. You said it yourself. Blood purity is good. I'm speaking to you. Let's get to blood purity on three. One, two, three. Blood purity. I'm sorry. It was a trap! And you fell for it!

You really did it! That's not fair. Stir fry has a long history of simply repeating what others say. I believe it! That's true, that's true. It's much of my way. Well, good to know. Good to know. I'm filing that away in my mind. That Stairfry and the man who plays him believe in blood purity. It's interesting, Bunny, that you... care so much about blood purity when what we're really dealing with here is a case of missing blood. Oh. It's a very good segue. What are you doing with it?

Where were you when Vance died? I was taking me bath. A blood bath? No. Come on. A normal bath. I have a yearly bath and I took it. Yearly? Yes. We got lucky. Timing wise. Pigsley can verify. I bet he gets. He was watching me the entire time. He thinks I don't know, but I know. You knew this whole time? Yes, I knew the whole time. That's kind of sweet. I knew there was lust in his heart, but I didn't know love. Aww.

Milker, the deceased, yeah, oh, Milker. Yeah, the deceased killed your spouse. How? Bethesda, we're so sorry. Yeah, it's terrible. We're so sorry for your loss. Yeah, he was a rotten man. What a tragedy. He killed me wife, Bethesda. Did you go and revenge him?

I was going to say, you all seem to have a reason to kill him. Did you all do it together? Yeah, that's right. We all did have a reason to kill him, if you think about it. Could you have accidentally killed him with your milk? No, because something else accidentally happened while he was dying. What? I was in the stables tending to the cows and I heard the strangest of noises. What was it? I'll tell you what it was. Great. These two twins we have here. Everyone thinks they're so...

They're so perfect, right? Oh, you said that they have sex with each other. Yeah, I saw them have sex with each other. Yeah, I think everyone knows they have sex with each other. Yeah, that was very... But no, nobody knows if we have sex with each other. You're practically doing it now. No, we're not. Where are your hands? Elsewhere. She has a finger in his butthole. Right here in front of us. No, you can't tell because we're sitting down on a couch. Your face is beetroot. No.

My face is normal. No, we're not. We weren't having sex. Ah, the higher voice. It's the other one. Yeah, it's me, Addison. We weren't having sex, no. We were, uh, guilty of the murder. Would you believe that? Sure. Sure. Yes. Go on, how'd you do that? No, no, you weren't guilty of the murder. You were having sex. You have weird twin sex. And I saw the whole thing. You had sex for quite a long time and I lingered. I watched. What did that do to your milk? What do you mean?

Did it get colder or sourer? I didn't taste me milk right after. You can imagine it might have turned me milk. Dude, I was lonely. Me wife had just been killed. Oh, it was recent. Yeah, she was just killed. Damn. Just killed less than a week ago. Oh, wow. Oh.

So you were pretty mad advanced. I'm still mad advanced. What happened to his foot? What do you mean what happened to his foot? There were two... Small incisions. What? There's like a gasp. Like people didn't know. I can't believe nobody knows. Yeah. No, how are we supposed to know about his foot? The only person who found him was Pubic. Pubic, let me see your fingernails. Look at my fingernails, they're fucking covered in shit.

Not shit shit. Well, some of it's shit. No, some of it's shit. Look at what I've been touching. You can find out. There's a lot of history in these fucking hells. Well, it was a clean wound. Right, there was no sign of infection, so we can assume that... Yeah, that's right, because when I kill somebody, you see how I kill somebody. I still think it must have been a vampire. It's the only thing I think. We haven't... What? What's a vampire? Vampire? Yeah, they drink blood and they have like...

shop teeth. Okay, well excuse me for not knowing every fucking thing. I make a big flourish with my cape. Sloane, where were you when he died? Oh my god. Well, as I said earlier, I was just passing through town. No, Blaine, shut up. I was deep asleep when he was killed. In the middle of the day? During the fox hunt? He wasn't killed in the middle of the day. He was doing a fox hunt in the middle of the night? No, he's doing a fox hunt with the dawn. Oh. As was his custom.

You know, this information you could have sussed out. Can anyone verify that? Why, my own dream journal can. That's airtight. That's an airtight alibi. Which I have with me here. I wrote out dream journal entries for you to read at your own leisure if you want to. You can use them. You don't have to. It was fun to write, so I don't care if you do it or not. I'm sorry. I just want to review this entry from Saturday. Uh-oh. The night before Vance.

Uh, yes. Can't see how that's relevant. Um, I think it might be. Saturday, then last night, Vance was alive. Should peculiar dreams ever fall so far out of fashion as to become illegal I would be ripe for a jail cell of my very own Already in my 200 years, I've seen the ebb and flow of laws and learned to prepare myself for any legal eventuality.

She's learned to prepare herself for any legal eventuality. Well, I just followed the laws. Crouched and ready to change my behavior so as not to upset people. Last night's... Dream was a new one. I was in an unfamiliar location, although my heart told me it was as near to me as my own home. It was some sort of well-manicured town in the teenage woods. This town seemed to have a singular purpose, the logic of dreams, I know. And that purpose...

was further made. It's Polaris! It's Polaris! What's that? Um... But not the furtherment of movement. No, this is the kind of furtherment that one gets when they read a book, or if they do not have the luxury of time, a passage. In the same way that you find yourself moved forward after a read, although your body has not moved more than the customary...

Several inches one moves when adjusting oneself. God, this is granular. But you know what? It sounds just like Polaris University. I wrote it for myself. It was as if this place was dedicated to the progress of the mind. As I walked the grounds, I felt a certain calmness in my soul like I was no longer cornered.

The familiar voice within me begging to run as far as fast as I can was absent. I saw trees that I felt I had named and faces that didn't seem to need anything from me. Uncanny! As I walked the grounds, a figure approached me. This figure was unclear to me both in shape and in nature. I simply recognized it as something before me. The figure greeted me sadly and quietly.

inviting me to say my goodbyes to this place. I admitted to the figure that I did not know this place, and so perhaps I should be saying my hellos instead. Aw. The figure made a gesture that I understood to be crying, although no tears came from it. The figure told me that it was already too late. This place had already been taken from me. This place I kept hidden and safe within my soul. The first and last place I had known freedom and respite. Oh my gosh. What? Sloan. What?

I told the figure not to worry I had never been to this place. The figure told me I was right, although I could tell that this was a lie meant to bring me comfort. Sloan! What? Did you go to Polaris? I don't know what that means! You guys, I think Sloan might be...

A member of our alumni association. What comfort did I need in this place? The figure asked me one favor which I granted happily. The figure asked me to say my goodbye to this place I had never visited. Just in case this is truly the end. Those are the only words of the figure that I recall clearly. Pitying the sad, confused figure, I gamely said my goodbyes to this place. Though a murmur's farce, I felt the place say its goodbyes to me as well.

Suddenly, I felt that something terribly wrong was happening. I turned to ask the figure to stop this. I never wanted to leave, but the figure was gone. I reached out to this place, this room, where I had felt so at peace, but it was sucked into the earth. I cried, but it was too late. The last elephant had gone? Oh, that's a reference to another dream. Sloane! What? It sounds like you know about our school. Is it possible that the deceased's blood was on campus when it disappeared?

Maybe he was like... peeing onto camp like he was just over the line and he peed onto campus and then he started peeing out his blood. We met a vampire on campus. Yeah, a vampire could have done it. No, we met that vampire. Yeah, I sort of shot that vampire and got him really angry and then... And he said, and then if we recall, he said he ran away and drank the blood of in hell. I believe that was addressed. But, you know.

Episode two, perhaps? No, I think it was that the blood was teleported away with our university. That makes way more sense. Yeah, what's all this about a vampire, then? So, we met a vampire, and we didn't really know what he wanted, and I sort of shot him and gave him what for. That got him angry. He hadn't drunk blood in a long time, so he went on a spree, and then he went to, uh...

We'll drink blood of an elf. Oh, my God. I can't believe I forgot that. I totally forgot. So it's a vampire? And that, like, just happened, too. Yeah. For us. Oh, my gosh. Okay, yes. Vampire did it. Yeah. Yeah, that's our answer. You're all... Y'all agree it's a vampire? Yes. Alright, so what was the name of this vampire? Shit. Wow, he really made an impression on you guys, didn't he? Boy, do I know all of your names.

Yeah, so you're speaking of slow... Blaine stands up. Was the name of the vampire perhaps count Ivan Gretzky? He like throws his disguise from himself. He's like, that's right, it was me. I was the one who did it and I'd do it again. Except I'm trying not to do it again. Good for you. Because it was an addiction thing. Good for you. Ivan. Good job, Ivan. You did it. You did it. You figured out the mystery. Yes. Good job. I'm so sorry. Blah. Is water under bridge? Oh, I get it. Not for me. Blah.

Excuse me? Like, bleh. No, I just chose crappy name to fit in. I did not want to arouse suspicion. How did my roots do? Did you suspect me? We thought you were a computer. A cute one. We knew you were definitely a weird guy. We just didn't know what you're... How was I weird? Nothing I did was weird. I did everything normal. I was an extremely normal guy. You see, by being that normal...

You made yourself weird. Agreed. No, I think I was just normal guy. I think you guys are weird guys. I think everybody here did not suspect Blaine. Blaine. Everybody here, did we suspect Blaine? They're like, already they're like grabbing weapons from the shelves to go and attack. Nobody kills my older brother and gets away with it. Yeah, that's a big confrontation between NPCs. Yeah, go at it, I suppose. Buckley, Buckley, remember.

Now that your brother's dead, you're in line to inherit the estate. I know. Now that I'm the inheritor of the estate, I can change the rules of the estate. I can make whatever I want legal. Pardon? Okay. You can let Piggly free. No, not Piggly free. I need him as a butler. Piggly, you're twice as forbidden to die as ever. Nice. You know what? It would do me a great favor if you could make...

Incest legal. Yes. Yes, I do. I make incest legal. And now for my first kiss with my twin sister. Buckley, give it up. A chaste kiss on the forehead. He goes to kiss her on the forehead. It quickly becomes something more. Is Addison's finger still in his butt? Yeah, the whole time.

Yes, finally. We're kissing each other for the first time. Okay, nobody needs to be a party to this. Yes, now everyone has to watch. The lawyers, you all have to watch. Can we get our money and weapons and leave? You can get your weapons. What about our money?

What about it? We solved the mystery. Yes, and I made a new law that I am allowed to go back on my promises. I really want to kick you in your face. In that case, I guess I'll let you go with a thousand gold pieces. Thank you. I think that's what it was agreed upon. Well, I'll thank you to leave. What are you going to do with the vampire? Leave him here in our care. We'll make short work of him. This is a cursed creature. But he's trying. I'll give you a choice. Your money or his life.

Oh, let's take the money. Wait, really? Yes. Wait, can he be Blaine again? Pardon? Can he be Blaine again? That's up to him. Um, hey. Ivan. Yeah, hi guys. I'm watching you guys vote on me. A bit of an awkward moment. For the record, I voted that you live. Yeah, I noticed that. I thank you. For the record, I would prefer the money. Yes, I understand. I'm still torn. I just wanted to know, do you feel more like Ivan or do you feel more like Blaine normally? What would help me stay alive? Blaine.

Blaine, you want the Blaine? She likes Blaine. I did, but I don't want it for your life. I just want to know honestly. Ivan. Ivan, all the time. Oh, okay. Blaine was a mask. Oh. Which I can put back on if I have to. That's what you're into. I'm happy to do. It's just like, do we have to keep him? I don't think we have to keep him. No, you don't have to keep him.

I'll spare him for a thousand gold pieces. Ivan, if we spare your life, you have to promise not to suck any more blood, okay? Yeah, I promise not to suck any more blood. For real, though? For real. For real. I mean, I want a promise for myself, but I promise to you, too. It's more important that I do it for myself. I'll vote to keep him alive. Pretty good. We got two votes for me already. That's pretty good. Yeah.

Okay, stay alive. Yeah, who cares, whatever. Stay alive. So you all vote for him to stay alive. Yeah. Well, it's four to one. No, no, I would still like the money, but I don't feel that strongly about it. Four to one, huh? Watch this. He takes a thousand gold pieces and throws it into the fire. It's cold fire. Yeah, well, you can imagine, though. That's how little it means to me. No, you can't have it!

Can we have pupus back, too? Wait, do you mean pupus? Oh, yes, pupus. Do you want pubic? No. I like pupus. I kind of like pubic, too, but we need pupus. We're not going to keep pubic. We need peepus. We need peepus. Pubic or peepus? Peepus. I'll give you a choice. Peepus. No, we peepus. We vote peepus. Peepus peepus a thousand times peepus. Pubic, you're stuck here. Normal for me.

I'm emotionally unmoved, but I've had no arc so far. All right, take Peepis or whatever and go. Well, everyone, I think we learned quite a story today. It's that even in the most unexpected places... Get out! All right, you're ushered out of the house. You have no money, but you did save a vampire's soul. You solved the mystery. Yay. You correctly solved the mystery. I had a few contingency plans for if you didn't, but you did it. You solved the mystery.

And you find yourself almost exactly where you started. You're on the road heading towards Albie's house. Thank goodness. And that's the end of this session. I think the lesson I learned was that you should always remember what happened. As the lights go down on Linsingham Manor, the lights come up on a tavern in a rainy town miles from here, but...

Not as many miles as you'd hope. The name of the tavern? The Delighted Wife. The name of the town? The Soaking Valley. A disgusting, criminal town. It's dark out right now. It's night. and a young human woman with an alien look in her eyes sits at the bar by herself. She opens her jaw, wider than she should be able to, and she splashes an entire goblet of wine into her mouth.

She cranes her head up, and with several bird-like gulps, she swallows her drink. A dwarf with slicked-back, jet-black hair slides up to her at the bar. Oh, hello. My name is Rochambeau. Perhaps you heard of me? He's met with silence. All right, or perhaps you have not heard of me, but I have made some eyes at you and... What can I say I like what I see? Maybe I buy you a little drink? How about that? What do you want? She stares at him silently.

Okay, maybe I just look at this little bar napkin that you have right here. Maybe you have your order written on it.

oh my goodness gracious he looks at the bar napkin what on earth do we have here this is a grizzly note indeed and your handwriting i got to say look i am not one to give notes on handwriting but you have the handwriting of a serial killer As he says that she slits his throat, blood just starts pouring out of his neck and his final words are, what a woman, as he falls dead at the bar.

Immediately, the bartender jumps up at her. She's an old woman, starts shouting at this woman. What are you doing? Get out of here. That was a paying customer. Get the fuck out of here. She pulls out a broom and starts swatting at this woman. The woman shrieks and... She jumps, she pushes her barstool back, and she starts running for the exit. The woman waves her broom at her, and she's screaming, Get out of here! You're banned! You're banned from the Delighted Wife for two entire days.

She chases the woman out into the night. The camera lingers, though, in the bar, and it closes in on this note written on a bar napkin. The note says, Halby Fawn. Stir Fry Crow. Frederick. Bones. Cordelia. Big. And Bellow. Horns. Underneath it is written, Important. If I kill them, I...

Am free. The strange woman runs out of the bar and looks back at it quickly before adjusting herself and brushing off her fine but tattered clothes. They're nice, but they're ill-fitting. She draws her rapier and... Walks off confidently. It's almost a strut into the underbelly of the soaking valley. Yes, quite the rude tale indeed. That was Ali Fisher as Cordelia, Carly Monardo as Albie, Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonesby, Tim Platt as Stir Fry.

Joe Lepore as Bellow, and Branson Reese as everything and everyone else. Rude Tales of Magic is produced by Taylor Moore at Fortunate Horse. He sounds nice. See you next time, weirdy traveler, when you most desire even more rude tales of magic. That was a hate gum podcast.