Class Dismissed

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start? Thumbtack knows homes, so you don't have to. Don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin? Or what that clunking sound from your dryer is? With Thumbtack, you don't have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top-rated pros, see price estimates, and read reviews all on the app.

Download Thumbtack today. There you are, traveler. Come inside, hang up your coat, put your feet by the fire. And I shall bring you what you so desperately seek. Rude tales of magic.

When the things that birthed the gods were young, they tried their hands at creating reality. After some trial and error, they started on a second draft. But their first draft of the world... forgotten in a damp corner of creation, clung to life like mold on bread. That feral world of wild magic named itself Cordelia. You find yourselves up at the top left corner of Cordelia. Our story begins in Polaris, a medium-sized city named for the god of going to the bathroom.

Polaris, the god, just a little bit of backstory for anyone interested. Polaris is the enemy of his twin sister, Natura, the goddess of just letting piss and shit fall out whenever and wherever. The two gods are said to be locked in an endless struggle in a separate plane of existence, and they pay little attention to the affairs of mortals. All right, back to the city of Polaris. Polaris University was founded during the Golden Age of the Empire and remains functional to this day.

Originally named Lexicon Matters School for the Brave for its founder, Lexicon Matters, the school was quickly renamed for the city of Polaris after Matters was caught eating his daughter and refused to apologize, saying, quote, I have done what no man before me has done. I have founded a college. Am I not entitled to one unforgettable dining experience? The university is known for its wide range of schools, including Slaw School for the Arcane,

Cynthia Pepper Institute of Culinary Arts and the Yuval and Dolly College of Bardic Studies. The college is also home to an independent monastery run by the monks of no nation. The monks recently completed a complex religious ritual which allows credits to transfer over to the rest of the school, leading to an influx of new students in the monastery looking to double major. The current year...

is 497 after a fair. Our story begins on the last day of classes at Polaris University. If none of you go there, whatever. But I already talked with you and you do go there, so it's a big day for all of you. We open on a fawn. She's in the office of a monk, and they are in the middle of a discussion. The monk is a human monk.

He's middle-aged. He looks a little older than he really is, honestly. He doesn't look great. He's got graying hair, sort of olive skin. He's really rubbing his temples as he talks. uh, to this fawn as he says, uh, okay, uh, just, uh, uh, just one more time. I, you want to, you want to choose a concentration, right? Cause you're at the, I'm sorry, we got a lot of new students.

at the monastery what so you're at the end of your second year yeah okay and you're looking to uh so you it's about time you got to declare your major yeah no i know what i'm gonna pick already okay yeah okay yeah i'm gonna be a yeah i'm gonna be a monk of the four elements Okay, yeah, that's actually, we don't offer that one anymore. Oh. I'm sorry if you. No, come on. That's a, yeah, that's like an outlawed. It's not even, I mean, it's not. We mean outlawed.

Well, it's an outlaw. It's a dangerous field of study. It's like to. Oh, I get it. I'm winking. I get it. Right. I see your wink and I understand what you think I'm saying. No, no. It's a it's a dangerous man is not meant to. Yeah. No, I'm no I'm no man. No, I know you're not a man. Yeah. I mean, because you're a fawn, obviously. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to break here. Carly, can you describe your character for us right now? Yeah. You're talking to Albera Albi Don. Nobody gets her name pronunciation correct on the first try. She's got... beautiful auburn hair pulled back into a punky little braid. I have little baby antlers sticking out of my wide forehead. I have like little dapple.

white freckles like a little deer on my face. I am tall enough that my feet should reach the bottom of the floor in my chair but I'm pushed back because I'm so excited and they're just sort of dangling while I talk. And I'm wearing like a kind of tunic-y, very brightly colored monk outfit. Great. Yeah, my monk has the same tunic on. It's a little more...

It's sort of like a burnt orange, I guess. My monk, by the way, if this comes up, great. If not, who cares? His name is Bento. Bento looks back at Albiri. He's like, look, I don't know if somebody... led you to believe that you were allowed to. We had one guy major in that. Yes, Cretus, the hero monk. Yeah, I know Cretus. Yeah, I know Cretus. I mean, I don't know him, but I know him and I'm going to follow in his footsteps. So I kind of have to do.

the thing of the four elements. Is there not another field of study I could... Not really. Nothing. No, I just... This is... Not like a, like a solar month. You don't want to do like. I'm sorry. What's your name? Bento. Bento. Have you ever. I take your hand.

Have you ever... Whoa! No, I've been through this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. No, I'm gonna... No, no, I got in big trouble. I can't. I'm by a string right now. Okay, I'm consenting to holding your hand right now. It doesn't matter. It literally... Because they did before, too. Okay, well, I'm standing... standing up right now. Okay. I jump out of my chair and there's a light shining from somewhere that you can't see the source. Yeah, we're looking to get that fixed. Yeah. We gotta...

Sort of a makeshift sunroof. Light is just trickling down on me and my eyes are just like sparkling. Bento, I don't know if you've ever had a dream, but I have one and I'm holding onto it real, real tight. And I need you. to let me follow in the footsteps of my hero monk, Cretus, okay? And he learned...

The way of the four elements, okay? And I'm also going to learn it, okay? And if you don't teach me, then I will find another independent monastery in a matriculated university that will. Oh, you'll find another monastery in another university? Yeah, that's what I'll do. Name one other university.

in all of Cordelia. They don't exist. This is the only one. We have outlawed. We've done everything we can. I'm telling you. You have a dream? Yes. Do you think I didn't have a dream? Tell me about it. I did have a dream. I had a dream to be seven feet tall, and it didn't happen. You know why? Because people don't become seven feet tall very often. It happens, but not very often. I feel like you're being really flippant.

With my dream. I am not being flippant with your dream. The whole point of being a mom, you're not even, you're halfway done yet. Look, you need to break down. your dreams and your wants and your desires and you need to be at one with the present moment. Having a dream is not being one with the present moment. Having a dream is being one with a future moment that may or may not ever come. Okay, that was really cool. Yeah, I'm a pretty good monk. Yeah. Not that you asked.

I'm pretty good at some monk stuff. Okay, well, I just need you to know that whatever route I take, it's pointing in a very specific direction. So I can't promise that I'm not going to learn how to be a monk of the four. elements even if it doesn't happen here i'm gonna really need you to promise me that you're not gonna be a monk of the fort fine i promise you promise yeah do you mean this promise no oh okay well i guess i can't make you mean it look just uh

Study up. You got finals tomorrow. Yeah, I'm going to ace them. I'm sure you are. You're very enthusiastic. Yeah, thanks. How are your grades? Perfect. Your perfect grades? Yeah, they're perfect grades. That's possible. I'm not saying it's not possible. It's not. I've seen the grades of a lot of the students. It's not likely. Well, I'm not every student. You're certainly not. Okay. Again, the field of study you wish to major in is literally outlawed. Okay.

So good luck. Thank you. And I hope I can talk you into picking something else. I take your hand again and shake it. I can't do this. No, no. Absolutely. Get out. Okay, I got a long line of monks down the hall. I gotta talk to them. Okay, thank you. Okay, you're welcome. I'm gonna follow my dreams. I hope you don't. You encouraged me. No, I don't. Don't say. I don't want to. Oh, boy. Oh, he's fuming. The uh...

Let's say the camera. The camera pans across the beautiful quad of Polaris. There's somebody throwing a frisbee. Somebody's playing a lute out front. It's like there's a lot of dudes. They're barefoot. Uh, somebody's painted themselves entirely blue for like, it's not clear why, but he's definitely, somebody's completely blue and you can tell he's not supposed to be blue. Uh, and as we, uh, the camera swings around, there's like a ton of, there's willow trees everywhere. There's a really like.

good looking place there's like uh there's gray stone everywhere there's a gentle breeze it is early spring right now Flowers are starting to bloom. Everybody is outside. It's a beautiful day on the quad, but we're not on the quad right now. We're at the Dean's office where he is chewing out a tiefling by the name of Bellow.

Joe, do you want to introduce Bello? Yeah, Bello is kind of slouched in the chair. He's had this meeting a couple times before already. He's been here before. He's got blue skin. um as is the demon way he's got bright red eyes um he's wearing you know uh polaris university sells a line of like um beautiful Polaris university sweatshirts with like the nice Polaris university crest at a high markup. And then, you know,

Some guys who live off campus also sell a line of like sort of ratty sweatshirts that just say P you on them that the administration does not look kindly upon. But that's what Bella's wearing today. and he's looked like he's had a long night. Great. The Dean is, when I say the word Dean, it's the guy you're imagining when I say Dean. It's the...

You remember the principal or the vice principal from Breakfast Club? Got it. Let's move on. All right. He is furious at Bello. God damn it, Bello. How many times do we have to have this meeting? Sir, I don't know. I'm really trying to be different. It's not going to happen again, I don't think. Oh, you're trying to be different? Yeah! I'll tell you what you're trying to do. You're trying to...

Bust my balls, aren't you? I didn't... I don't even know what I'm in here for. You don't know? No, I haven't... I've been... What's that shirt say? Wait, this is because of the shirt? Yeah, it's because of the shirt. Every... Yeah, I know everybody has one. Yeah, everybody has one. Because you're selling the shirts. I'm not selling them. You're not selling them? No. Then who's selling them, Bello? Some dwarves I know. Some dwarves you know? What are their names?

I'm not gonna... Yeah, you're falling on your sword, aren't you, Bello? No, what? An honorable man till the end. Ooh, you really steamed me. I thought you were mad... Yeah, I'm mad at you. You're selling shirts! Hey, listen, can I be honest with you? Yeah, be honest with me.

It's been a long semester that I have not been paying attention to my classes. Yeah, that's clear. I got your transcript right here. Straight C's. Ooh, you're smarter than this and I just know it. Yeah, but that's why I'm trying to study for these finals for once. You're trying to study for the finals. Yeah, I have to- What a convenient excuse. Isn't that what you want? I got half a mind to expel you. You know how many problems you've caused for me? How many years has it been here, Bello?

Three? Three years. And at four years, you're supposed to graduate. Uh-huh. Well, I wanted you out of here the moment I saw you. That's really hard to hear. Yeah, I bet it is. You know what's really hard? Having your dad killed by a demon when you're a little kid. Hey, you know what's really hard? That's hard, and that happened to my dad! Hey! Hey! Hey! What?

Stuff's happened to lots of people's dads, okay? You don't have a monopoly on dad stuff. No, my dad had it really hard. He was a good dad to me. My dad! He had it real hard. I just found out that my dad got eaten by a gelatinous cube, man. So maybe back off. Oh, he got eaten by a gelatinous cube? Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm... Real sorry to hear that. My dad's corpse is floating in jello.

I don't need to hear what's going on with your dad right now. You've been causing- You forced me to hear about what's happened to your dad. Yeah, because I'm the dean. I can do anything I want. Is what you want to do talk about your dad to kids? Sometimes. It helps me work through stuff.

I have a tough relationship with my dad! Again, he was good to me, but I was not always the best son, and that's tough for me to handle. Hey, Dean, here's some advice. What? Maybe take a stroll over to the School of Psychology. Oh, don't you dare use my own school against me. I acquired this school in a hostile takeover. What? Yeah. Wait, are you the dean or do you own the school? Shut up! Bello, you are on thin ice right now. Get out of my office. And if I have...

any pretense to call you in here again. It's your ass. You understand me? You better fly right. Yes, sir. Yeah, that's what I thought. Say hi to Mrs. Dean for me. I will. My last name is Dean, and so is my wife's last name. She took my last name, but I didn't make her. She wanted to. That's fine. That's a fine choice to make.

Yeah, my last name is Dean because my dad was a Dean too. And he was really good to me. And he died. Yeah, normal. It was in his 90s. It was a pretty good life. Wait, your dad died in his 90s? Yeah. Wait. Have you been lying to kids about what happened to your dad? Wait, what did I say earlier about my dad? Did this conflict with something? You said that he died violently when you were young. Yeah, he died violently. Okay, no, no, okay, that's good. Yeah, he died in his 90s. Somebody killed him.

He had an enemy and he died. So he died violently in his nineties when I was young. He had me when he was in his eighties. But wouldn't you agree that like, that's not something to feel. traumatized by because he lived a- uh- DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE HE LIVED A LONG LIFE HE LIVED BY ANY ACCOUNT IN THE WORLD OF CORDELIA

Like, if you make it past 50, you're doing great. He made it to 90. You should feel thrilled about the lifespan your dad had. I'm sorry that it didn't overlap so much with your life, but he did about the best he could, and you should feel grateful for that.

Get out. Okay, bye. As we sort of travel into a poorly lit... underground room where a uh a crow a small crow person and a um an ornately dressed skeleton person are uh they're moving around sort of surreptitiously in the dark as a campus security guard bursts into the room. very quickly, the campus security guard. This campus security guard, let's say he's in his 20s. He's like a student campus security guard. He's still got acne.

Yeah, you can have acne in your 20s. He's in his early 20s. He's got acne. He's nervous. He's not sure what's going on. You can have acne in your 30s. Amen. That's true. Yeah, I get acne. All right. Edit the thing where I get acne out. All right. A young campus security guard bursts into the room. What's going on in here? Hello. My name is Frederick.

And it's my pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. My name is Mr. Rom Alceris. I'm going to call you Douglas. What? Listen, Douglas. Okay. We're in the middle of very... Important work here. But this is where all the answers to the finals are kept. Oh, Douglas, you should listen to my good master, Frederick. He really knows what...

best for you. I'm going to stop you mid-sentence to have you guys introduce your characters. Just give a quick little physical description of your characters. You go first. Well, my name is Frederick de Bavinsby and I'm a skeleton man.

And I tried to become a lich, you see, but unfortunately, due to some means beyond my control or comprehension, I do not become a powerful undead lich wizard master, but instead all of the magical power was stripped from my entire body as well as my skin and my flesh and my fats. And now I'm just a skeleton man. And now I'm on the run and trying to relearn magic once again. Yes, and I am Stir Fry.

Kenku. You see, I tried to steal years ago from my master, and he told me he liked the cut of my chip, so he put a little spell on me, giving me this power of speech, quite different from most Kenku, yes. A rare... Canco indeed. I'm short. I look like a crow. I've got a little ring on my finger. The ring has a wax bee on it. A bee inside wax. But I think it's all gold. If I may.

A bird man broke into my house and was very scared, and I made him my personal chef. Okay, yeah, I got it. So you guys aren't supposed to be in here. This is where we keep all the... The answers to the finals for the School of the Arcane? All of the answers. And why should anyone be restricted from those answers? Well, because you're not supposed to know the answers yet because you're supposed to take the final.

Well, won't they be knowing the answers eventually? I mean, once the final comes back, the answers are sort of a free-for-all. If anything, we're just shortening the time between when the answers will be known and... When they won't. Yeah, you're not supposed to shorten the time, though. We have the time sort of all worked out, so it's like the right amount of time. What is time? Frederick, wouldn't you agree that time is such a strange nation?

Again, call me Mr. DeBensbit. Yes. Yes. As my bird was saying, I should know the answers now. Right. I mean, ideally, you guys do know the answers now because you've been paying attention in class. And, you know, so you just take the final and then we should be all set. Of course I know the answers for everything in class, but I was hoping that I could... Oh, take a look at some things I could know, say, other classes further on. Listen, I want to learn everything in this library.

Oh, so you're just trying to learn really quick, right? Yes. Okay, I just need to ask you guys to leave, though, or I can get a little bit of trouble. Can we, like, work out a deal or something? Of course. You can pretend you didn't see us. Okay, but what do you do for me? I'll cook you. What? No! No! He like pulls out like a wand that starts glowing red.

I'll cook you a cake. A cake or a pie. You cook me a cake? You bake me a cake? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What's wrong with you? That's a gift. That's a gift. A cooked cake would be terrible. No, what? You're gonna boil me a cake? Wait. You can be, you can be. I guess you could boil a cake. I'd be interested. You want me to say I'll bake you a cake? So when I said cook you a cake, you thought you can't cook a cake. You can only bake a cake. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I thought. You need some answers yourself. I need some answers from you right now. Boil me a cake. I want to know what it's like. He's got the wand like right to your throat and it's like glowing hot. Boil me a cake. Okay, Douglas.

Boil him a cake, stir fry, just do it. I will, and it will be the best cake you've ever had. And Mr. Bonesby, if I may say, I think you'll like the cake very much as well. And everyone will like the cake, and the cake will be delicious. And they'll all go, who made such a great cake? And it will be me, me, stir fry, the kanko, and I...

I'll make you that cake, and you will like it so much, and your friends will come back. Yes, yes, they'll come back, and you'll sing songs about how good the cake is. If you could just lower that wand from my neck one moment, please. Oh, God, you sound like you're passing something. I am not, I am. Okay, yeah, I think I got the bullet points of that. You boil me a cake. Yes. I'll just keep reading these books and it won't hurt anyone. And I don't tell anyone.

Yeah. And if anyone asks where I got the boiled cake, what do I do? No one has to ask. You'll have eaten it. You'll love it. Okay, I'm going to need you guys to, uh... Keep reading. Yeah, just stay in here, okay? Very well. Douglas, you've done a fine job today. Thank you. I wish you well. Thank you. All right, Douglas puts his wand down. He looks around.

He walks out with his back, like he's always keeping front-facing to you guys, walks out, closes the door, has a private moment with himself where he thinks, Douglas, you're doing a really good job standing up for yourself. I've already forgotten that's not his real name. Yeah, he's accepted Douglas as his real name. He's so weak-willed that you renamed him. Yeah, we didn't have to roll anything on that. No, that was an automatic.

Yeah, he'll go home, and later when he speaks to his family, they'll call him by his original name, and he'll say, oh, it's Douglas.

We go now to an on-campus sorority house. We are at the campus of Mothra Tau Delta. They are about to begin a... tradition that they have before finals every year, the day before finals. Everybody in the sorority gets together, they dim the lights, and they have sort of a ritual. that they go through to hopefully bring good luck for the finals. This ritual is being led by the queen bee of this sorority, Rena Hanawari.

Oh, demonic father, hear us as we pray. And I'm sorry, is everyone paying attention right now? She looks over at a Sasquatch. Allie, I'll let you describe this Sasquatch. Oh, yeah. So. The Sasquatch is Cordelia, and she is huge, or typical for a Sasquatch. She's about eight feet tall. Although she's medium. Right. According to- By the rules of 5e, she's medium. Fair, but she's never met another Sasquatch, so she doesn't know if she's tall or short for a Sasquatch. You know what I mean?

And she's gorgeous. And she has lavender, like a really edgy lavender haircut. And she has brown fur. And she has light brown eyes with goat pupils. So they're like sort of square, like rectangly. Like long ways? Like horizontal. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And she's 35. And she's like very chill. I think she's wearing probably like a crop top with a jean vest over it that has like the arms cut off. And then... some like boyfriend jean shorts on.

Wow. And may I ask, 35 for a Sasquatch, is that like the equivalent of something? Or is that straight up 35 for them is 35 for us? It's very similar to human. One to one? Okay, cool. This is a 35-year-old. Cool. Yeah. So she looks over to Cordelia the Sasquatch. I'm sorry, are you paying attention right now? Yeah. Really? Because it feels like your heart's not in it. Oh, it is. I'm here. Yeah?

I'm here. I just see like, cause like you sort of like staring off into space earlier. Well, I was looking for Albie. I was waiting until she showed up. Oh, cause not all of us are present right now. Okay, well, that's technically the rules, so I will allow it. Okay, cool. Great. Thank you. Okay, I need you to remember who's actually the head of this sorority. I'm so sorry. Can you just remind me?

of who the head is? Yeah. Is this a real thing that you're doing right now? What? Okay, my name is, uh, Reena Hanowary. Do you not know me? No, I know you. Sorry, you're the head? Yeah, I'm the head of the sorority. I just, I forget. Because you remember how the previous head graduated? Yeah. And there was a ceremony and she said that I would be the head now. Do you remember that? Her eyes are like so narrow right now. You don't remember that, do you? Are you? Are you?

Are you sleeping? Are you high? No. No? No. Okay. It's okay if you are. Thank you. And I know I'm not high. Okay. Because it just seems like it's a little late in the year to not know that I'm the head of this. Are we doing this? A lot of stuff would have come up. Yeah, I think we're going to do this right now. Like in front of everybody. What? In front of who?

In front of Organa? Yes. We cut to Organa, who is an extremely, she's like a, what's the, Goliath, thank you. She's a Goliath, who's like sitting in the corner. And Organa goes, it's actually totally fine if you guys do this in front of me. No. Yeah. Okay. All right. Look, Rina. Yeah? Let's just chill out and wait for Albie.

And then we can all be in the ritual together. Isn't that great? Wouldn't that be fun? I'll be at five seconds, though, okay? Okay. Five. What? Four. We're giving her five seconds? Three. Yeah. To show up? We don't even know where she is. Two. One. Here I am. Oh! Everybody fucking flips out. This is a weird thing. That's cool that that happened. Sorry, I was waiting outside and I heard you say the five second thing. Hi. We're like hugging and kissing. Wow.

I'll be. Oh, it's so good to see you. So we're actually about to do the ritual. Yes, I'm ready. Great. Fantastic. Okay, everyone hold hands. Our heavenly demonic overlord. We ask that you stay with us. You don't have to do the us, guys. That's me forgetting. Okay, I have this mostly off book. Okay.

congratulations thank you we ask that you stay with us we ask that you stay with us and guide us and guide us during finals during finals and we ask that you give us an unforgettable summer and we ask that you give us an unforgettable summer and if we fail you And if we fail you, may blood run from our eyes. May blood run from our eyes. And may the heavens fall from the skies. And may the heavens fall from the skies. And may everyone we have ever known or loved. And may every...

Everyone we have ever known or loved Be buried alive Be buried alive And they cannot die And they cannot die And they're covered in spiders And they're covered in spiders And the spiders cannot die either And the spiders cannot die either. Bless us. Bless us. Hell rules. Hell rules. All right. Yay. Suddenly a ripple moves through the room.

Every single living person is frozen in space and in time. Cordelia, who is not frozen, looks around in horror at all of her friends as they are completely motionless. Looks of joy or fear or anticipation are frozen on their face. Nothing is moving. She looks around looking for somebody, somebody, some sort of a friend or someone to tell her that something...

this is okay, what's happening, or that the reality is not just suddenly fallen out from under her feet. She looks around and into the eyes of Rina, who moves suddenly and slowly. Her eyes sort of... Dilate. Something is happening to her eyes. Suddenly, Rena's head turns with a start. It's almost as if her neck is broken and she looks directly at Cordelia. The eyes of a stranger look out at her.

What are you doing? Renna? Renna? Who the fuck is Renna? Apparently she's the head of the sorority, but I completely forgot that we voted for her. Okay, I don't fucking know who her sorority is. What? I'm not Renna. Hi, are you? Okay. You know who I am?

No, I'm shaking my head. Okay, yo, you shaking your head? Well, I'm shaking my head yes right now. Or I'm shaking somebody's head yes right now. Who is this person? Rina starts to feel around on herself. Oh, I'm a lady. Oh, boy. Stop it. Okay, I stopped. I was figuring it out. Okay, so. Okay, so I actually, oh boy, I got a lot of stuff for you right now. My name is Cheddar. Albie? Albie? Albie is completely frozen. Shit.

Hey. How you doing? I'm good. I got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you. Okay, I'm listening. So, I'm sensing something sort of magic in you. You like that? Yeah. Okay, yeah, you got a little bit of latent magic ability in you, and I'm feeling there's something there. I can, like, sculpt it, you know?

You're looking at me like I'm crazy or something. Yeah. No, I mean, this just has never happened to me before. Okay, that's why I was the first one to get to you. Well, you're pretty special, so it's a pretty good deal that I got to you, right? I must be somebody who's pretty cool, right?

Well, that's what you're right. I am. I'm a cool guy. My name's Cheddar, and I've got a once-in-a-lifetime business opportunity for you. Okay. Yeah. So I'm actually opening up this little restaurant, and the restaurant...

This is the fun part because it's like restaurants. Who hasn't been to a restaurant? You know what a restaurant is, right? What's your favorite kind of restaurant? I'm like a diner. Oh, like a diner? Okay, that's what I'm doing. I'm opening a diner. Oh, nice. But I'm opening this diner in hell. Pretty cool, right?

I'm a demon. Oh, yes. I'm inside of your friend's body. Are we friends? Who is this person? You know, it's complicated. It's complicated. Actually, can you see her thought? Like, can you see her opinions? I can read her surface level thoughts. Oh, she don't like you. Yeah, okay. Oh, she's jealousy. What? Really? Oh, yeah.

It's sweet, I guess. Yeah, that's nice. If you want to read sweetness into that, you can. That's actually nice. She's pretty petty, though. She wouldn't extend that courtesy to you. That's okay. I feel like I can go one way on this. You'll really be the bigger man here. Oh, I picked right. Okay. I'm huge. Oh, that's f- Okay, you joke about it. I don't feel like it's mine to joke about. That's-

True. Okay. That totally checks out. Yeah. So I'm opening a restaurant in hell. Yes. I'm thinking it's, I'm calling it the other side. She's jealous of me. I don't care. I'm sorry, but like, can you read what specific? Specifically? No! I don't know. Maybe you... I don't know. Is it my tood? Maybe it's your tood. Maybe you're a cool dude with a bad tood. I don't fucking... I barely know you. Yeah, but you can guess that I am that.

I don't know. You seem okay right now. I thought you said I was special. I'm Megan. I'm giving you the hard sell. Are you flirting with me? No, no, no, no. I wouldn't. Wait, no. I wouldn't if I could. Maybe I would if I could. I just can't, though. That's the important thing. I cannot. It would.

It would destroy you. Because, oh. I'm a demon. Oh, right. It's nothing personal. It just would be bad for you. And this is a business interaction. And I'm keeping it professional. Thank you. Lawson learned. Uh-huh. Well, I say lesson learned, but nothing's ever happened to me. I'm a demon as far as virgins can be. Whoops, I mean to say I'm a virgin as far as demons can be. Oh, okay. I guess...

As far as versions go, though, I am a bit of a demon. I ain't never got it wet. Okay, so I'm opening a restaurant. It's called The Other Side. It's in hell. And I was wondering if you could maybe drum up some business for me? Well...

Potentially. You're offering me a job? Yeah, I'm offering you a job in exchange for I give you some power. Yeah. I know you've got latent ability. I give you a little bit more. I give you a little slice of what I got. I like a slice. You get a bigger and bigger slice the more you do. And all you got to do is either you...

kill people, or if you're not comfortable killing people, I understand not everybody's comfortable killing people. If you don't want to kill people when people die, I just need you to leave. I'm going to give you a little bag that's going to have a never-ending supply of coins. Is it that bag that you're holding?

Or is it a different bag? The bag that you got on you right now. Oh, yeah. The one that just appeared in your hand. Yes, this is true. That's for me. Look in there. Okay. That's a never-ending supply of coins. Ooh. Okay. Those coins. Wait, is this money? Don't spend it. You can spend it but don't spend it.

Not a lot of places take it. It's going to be a whole thing. Okay. It's going to completely fuck with the world if you spend it. All right, all right, all right, all right. Just take those coins. When somebody dies, pull those coins on their eyes, okay? On their eyes. Oh, yeah, okay. And then that's a little pass, that's a little coupon to go to the other side when they go to hell. It's a coupon. It's a little coupon. It's a little coupon, yeah.

Okay. So I'm going to give you these coins. You put these coins on somebody's eye when they die. In exchange, I give you hellish powers. Hell yeah. Okay. Oh, she did do it. I love that. That's exciting. I've always wanted magic. Yeah, you're going to get it. So, uh. In exchange, I got one more thing for you right now. I'll give you a little, it's not like a thing you can hold, it's a warning. For you and yours, I would get the hell off of this campus as soon as possible.

Something extremely bad is coming! Oh... Is it worse than... Boys than me? No, yeah, sorry. No, I get it. I'm a demon. I know, right? You seem to know. You could hurt my feelings, actually. I bet you got it in you. And I'm not the strongest person emotionally. Oh, no. That's okay. I'm working through it. Okay. So what's going to happen is you got to get the hell off of campus right away. Okay. Anyone you care about, bring them off campus. Okay. Because stuff's about to go real bad. Can I...

Can I ask you a quick question? Do I have to do this for the rest of my life? Goodbye! He like cracks out and Reena's like neck goes back to normal. She looks at you weird. I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Yeah. What were you saying? I was saying, I'm sorry. Reena, I have to pee. Excuse me? I have to pee. Okay, well, you can just go to the bathroom. Reena? Yes. I just want to bury the hatchet.

Albie, I'm coming to the bathroom with you. Okay. That's the hatchet you wanted to bury with me? Great, yeah, water under the bridge. Very good. Great, okay, bye. Okay, bye. So you two, you leave out the front door of the...

Sorority. This is sort of an old house. It's sort of like off. It's on Sorority Row, but it's like the last house in Sorority Row. There's a bunch of dead trees around it that never bloom. It's really the gothy house. You guys are right outside of it, and the door closes right behind you. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. What? Wait, did you actually have to pee? Yeah. Why did you leave me outside? What? Sorry. Okay. Look at this pouch. I pee outside. Oh.

Okay, we don't have to have a moment every time I tell you this. I know, sorry. Okay, look. Okay, actually I need to tell you we just have to get off campus. Oh my... Okay. I think we should go. I really have to go. I know, but Rhea turned into a demon. Wait, what? It's a really long story, but I think this is like a hurry situation. What about finals? I think we should just go.

Okay, I'm peeing in front of you. I'm sorry. No, that's okay. You're just going to have to follow me around this tree and you're just going to have to tell me in a way that makes sense because it's a really big deal that you're asking me. I just declared my major as a monk of the four elements. There's no stopping me. So I have to ace my final and I'm peeing while I'm saying this. Wait, did they let you do that? No. Well, I think it was a test, honestly.

You're telling me that during the ritual, which was like, I didn't feel a thing, by the way. Yeah. And you're peeing now? Yeah. Sir, excuse us. No, I know him. I know him. A man in a tall top hat walks by. Chris, voice him for me. Incredible. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Goodbye. A bunch more students come by. Hey, LB. Hey, yo, what's up? Get your pee on, girl. Thanks. It's a long one. A senior is walking by with a tour group. They're sort of touring Polaris University.

So actually, yeah, if you guys look over to your left, you'll see Albirah. Hello. Hey. This is a student here who is in her own way honoring Natura, who is the god of just letting piss and shit fall right out of you. Everyone say hello. Hi. Hi, I'm not taking a shit, just pee. All right, and we're walking. Can we go? We have to just get off campus. I'm just going to trust this. A demon came into Rina's body.

She's jealous of me. We will talk about all of it. Oh, my God. I always knew it. Did you? All right. Well, I'm doing this. I take your hand. I'm doing this because I trust you. Great. And because you're my sister in arms and we're destined for greatness together.

But I'm going to be really upset if I wreck the final. Yeah, you're not going to wreck the final. We have to just get off campus for a bit. Okay. And then we'll just see if any of this is true. And then if these coins disappear, maybe it never even happened. Okay. Clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop. All right, as they're walking off campus, thank you.

cool looking party house on a uh it's covered in ivy and vines uh and the camera just zooms right in through the window breaks the window oh boy uh it zooms right into the window and we see uh bellow it's him and uh there's a dwarf there's a gnome uh there's an elf like all bros they're all boys like hanging around him uh they've really gotta like tell me more tell me more

vibe. Every single one of them has the same slicked back pompadour haircut as one of the halflings speaks up. Bello, baby, what's going on? Is the Dean cracking down on us or what? He mostly just has some issues in himself to unpack, and it's not really our place to be that for him, you know? Yeah, I guess I can see that. And then the dwarf speaks up and goes, Arrgh!

Where's the kegger we're having? Guys, I'm sorry. I can't really... I don't think I can really help with the kegger this weekend. I kind of have to study. What do you mean you have to study? Guys, I don't know. I feel bad about this. You know I love keggers. Yeah, you love him more than anyone. You specifically majored in druidic studies so you wouldn't have to worry about your studies. But now those studies, they've become a priority.

You gotta be kidding me! What happened to you? You used to be the coolest guy right off campus! Gary, I promise you, I'm not kidding, my man. You call me by my full name, Gareth. Gareth. My man, I promise you I'm not kidding, okay? This is important to me. I gotta learn this druid stuff. There's real shit happening now. We need you to say it right here and right now in front of God and everyone.

Are you a bad boy or are you a good boy? You know I'm a bad boy, but sometimes a bad boy has to do good. Ah! He spits on the ground. Take it back! Sometimes it happens, okay? You know what happened to my family. I was kicked out of me mountain for being too bad. Can you say the same? Well, we're not from a mountain. Hypothetically, would you be kicked out of your mountain? Yeah, what kind of-

What kind of mountain would you be if you was a mountain, huh? If I was a mountain? Yeah. Wait, are we talking about, like, if we would be mountains, what kind of mountains we would be? Or...

why we would get kicked out of the mountain. No, I got confused. I woke up from a nap. I mean, we can talk about- Sorry, we're real hard to keep on focus, this group. You know why? Because we're bad. We don't pay attention to the rules. Yeah, I get it. We're probably pretty messed up right now. Yeah, we're pretty messed up, but what kind of mountain- How are you?

We know what kind of mountain you are, dude. A big one, dude, with snow on the top. Yeah, David, why don't you take a lap around the house? Yeah, dude, I can run so fast. I know you can. Listen, I know right now it seems like... He fell in a hole! And that's typical. Yeah, I know, I know. It's just, you know, that's a bad dude, you know? Yeah. I tell him to run around the house and instead he falls right in a hole.

Listen, I know it seems like my priorities have changed, but I promise you, once I find out what happened to my family or slash save them, then it'll be back to party time. But you have to understand that... If my family's gone, then, like, I can't even, like, pay tuition. Hey, bruh? Yeah? What kind of mountain are you at?

Okay, I'm like a big, dark mountain, and it's kind of ominous, and there's sort of always lightning crashing on it, you know? This is amazing. And it's even like, at the tippity-top, there are even little... craggy, uh, craggy, like, horns, like me. Mountain horns! Mountain horns! It's pretty badass, right? Is he saying? Wait, I can't hear! Is he saying what kind of mouth he is? I'm stuck at all!

Yes, I'm saying what kind of mountain I am. All right, you won me over. Cool. I'm not going to mutiny you. Okay. Not today. We're going to go back onto campus right now. We're going to cause a ruckus. I want you to sit here at our... off-brand frat house or unauthorized frat house. I want you to think about if you're a good boy or you're a bad boy. You're torn between worlds right now. Alright, bad boys. Let's go on campus and fuck something up. Davo, you stay in the hole.

Okay, sir. I love you. Ha ha. Yeah, let's all say we all love each other. We all love each other. We all love each other. Everyone look each other in the eye and say, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. In my heart, I look you in the eye. I love you. Oh, Davo, you're excused. All right. I think I'm actually going to go outside and read my druid books under the tree. Yeah, all right. Do what you want. Great. Bellow walks outside.

You exit your off-brand frat house, and while your brothers begin to walk back onto campus, you turn towards the great willow tree in the yard and begin looking for a quiet, shady place to read.

You sit down beneath the tree and rest your back up against its old rough bark. You feel the cool grass on your skin. For a moment, the thought passively enters your brain. This is nice. And then... it's gone for one deafening moment all of the ambient noise in the world goes out all the noises you didn't know you were hearing Since before you were born, turn off. Like the moment when your refrigerator turns off and you realize it had even been on at all. For one horrible instant.

There is nothing. And then it's back! All at once! Every sound nobody ever thought to name, it crashes into you like a car hitting a brick wall. The churn of the sky, the heartbeat of the soil. It all comes back to you in one exacting moment. And in that exact moment... you hear one of the top 20 worst sounds you've ever heard in your life, Davo screaming to you from the bottom of a hole. What happened? Davo, Davo.

Weary traveler, I see you leaning forward in your seat, entertained by these rude tales, are you? Well, then I must tell you that this is only... For there is another, a stranger, an even ruder tale yet. Join Rude Tales of Magic on Patreon. and gain entrance to a realm beyond pleasure and pain. Experience delight and decadence unknown to the old flesh. Come and see us there, traveler. We have such sights to show you. Conto por favore here, the wealthiest elf in Nethermerk.

a man of my exquisite taste pays a lot for a lot of things but if there's one thing i refuse to pay a dime too much for It's wireless telephone service. If you're still overpaying for wireless, it's time to say yes to saying no. At Mint Mobile, their favorite word is no. No contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no BS, which stands for blatant sassafras. Probably.

Maybe. Maybe not. Here's why I said yes to making the switch and getting premium wireless for $15 a month. Our plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's large... 5g network and you use it with your own phone do it with any mint mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts that is all 100 true

What is not true is that I could ever be a real person with a telephone. No, see, I'm an NPC, a non-playable character in this completely made-up entertainment pod. cast but the real man who's playing me is sick of using a different cell phone service that will not be named but charges seventy dollars a month plus fees Mint service is just as good and would save me, uh, him, $55 a month. Ready to say yes to saying no?

Make the switch at mintmobile.com slash rudetails. That's mintmobile.com slash rudetails. Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month. Limited time new customer offer for first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. What happened? Devo! Devo! I heard a sort of ding! It wasn't like a ding, but it had the flavor of a ding! Devo! Devo! Just hold on a second. Just stay in the hole, okay? Okay!

You're probably safer in the hole right now. Safer? Help me understand! No, just, like, why don't you sit there and think about what kind of mountains everyone would be. Okay! Okay, so... Yeah, but think about it quietly. Okay, okay. Okay, great. I'm looking around trying to, like, see if people are, like, have just moved away and I...

I lost them in the flash or like, I'm looking for anyone. Your house is alone in the woods right now. You were at the end of a street. Your house is fine. It seems completely unchanged. Although if you want to go back in, you can look around at the house. Sure, I'll go back in and look around in the house. Great, you notice, actually can I have you roll, first roll of the game.

Let's do some stuff. Let's have you roll a 20. I want you to roll a perception check. Yes, that's going to be a five. Great. We're off to the races. So with a five, you notice that something's wrong. A lot of the pictures of the group are missing. If it's group pictures that you were in, you and Davo are the only ones in the picture.

Where did all my bros go? So a lot of it would just be like lines of nobody with just you in one corner and Davo sort of towards the back. I mean, in retrospect, these turned out as like great photos of just me and Davo, but... I'm worried about my friends. There are also no, whereas once like PU merchandise used to be everywhere, all the merchandise is gone. Am I now shirtless? Oh, yeah. Describe your torso.

In detail. How many abs do you have? 12? Is that possible? I mean, yeah, I guess you're half demon. Delish. Okay, I'm going to go upstairs. OK, great. The it's the same as before. There's like all of the there were like pennants and things. Those are all missing. There's some a lot of pictures of just nothing. There's a lot of pictures that seem to be now landscapes that once would have had people in them.

I'm really scared. Uh, Davo? And then a green mountain with a cross on top. Hey, Davo, Davo, Davo. You're like poking your head out a window. It'll look down. Hey, pause. Pause the mountain stuff. I'm sure you're doing great work. Hey, none of our bros are down there with you, are they? What? Huh? Huh? Oh, damn. They're gone. Probably drinking beer. I wish I was drinking beer. I miss running. I'll try here.

Okay, Davo has hit his head on a low-hanging branch. Let's say Davo had ten hit points. He's reduced to one hit point.

I need a drink! Oh! Davo, just stay where you are, okay, buddy? No problemo! Okay, a small mountain. More of a hill, but we know it's a mountain. Davo, as he talks to Albie and Cordelia, sort of wander by. They had also nearby had just sort of wandered off campus. Wait a minute. What's up? Where's the street? the street you were on comes to an abrupt end and suddenly it's just like overgrown trees and grass, like right at the end of that street.

Okay, I think this is what I was talking about. This is what you're... So the demon. Did I get to that yet or we were just talking about the jealousy thing? The demon. You started to, but I was really way more interested in the other stuff. Right? Isn't that interesting? Yeah. Okay, you guys look up and you see a... fucking hot ripped blue tiefling with red eyes. What's your hair like? This is important. It is. My hair is also blue, but like a darker shade of blue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't see a lot of it because I'm wearing a baseball cap. Did the baseball cap have PU on it? It did. Okay, so now you're not wearing a baseball cap. Okay, so my hair falls... Freely, it's like shoulder length. Pretty gorge. Yeah. Is it like wavy? Is it like in condition? Yeah, definitely. Okay, well. Yeah, it's got some nice volume.

Great. Albie gets a nosebleed. Yeah. We get a real hot guy looks out the window at you guys. And since you're up like a story or two, you're like almost eye level. To him. And you get a nosebleed? Yeah. Yeah, go for it. Yeah, you get a nosebleed. Hey. I can see your nips. I mean, um, uh. Don't we have class together? Uh, I think like a couple. Yeah. It's me, Albie. Did you guys see what happened on campus? Give me a line. I need like a line.

Can you like a cool thing to say? What are you saying? Yeah, okay. Say nice abs. Nice abs. Thank you. All my friends. We're here. And then when that flash happened, they disappeared. Yes. I'm going to come down. Okay. I'm going to come down and maybe we can look around and see if we can find other people. Yes. Because I'm worried. Because also it's going to be night soon. All the beer's gone from the house.

There's a rocky mountain and a mountain covering trees. Is that one of your friends? Yeah, he's the only one that's still here, but he's working on a mountain project right now. A mountain of ice. You can just slide down. What? Hello? Hey! Hey! What's up? I'm just thinking about mountains and missing my friends. I love to run around the house. You're covered in-

Are you covered in blood? Yeah, I hurt myself. Hey, there's a man in a hole covered in blood. He, um, the Davo... his like neck twitches just like you saw earlier time doesn't necessarily or time yeah sorry time freezes again And Devo looks at you with no longer stranger's eyes. It's Cheddar's eyes. Oh, what did I tell you? Hey. Hey. Holy shit. Did I fall down in a hole?

My whole body hurts! This sucks! I don't like this one, bitch! Yikes. What happened here? You got off campus! Yes. Good. Barely. Well, I wasted a lot of time. I mean, well, to be fair, I'm not still sure. I don't know what's happening. Are you a virgin? Was that...

part of what we were talking about. Oh, jeez. Is that the only thing you remembered about me? There's a lot about me. I'm sorry. That was stuck out. Look, maybe I never had sex, but that doesn't mean I never did other stuff. Okay. Although I never did. Okay. Cool. Is that what... Do you want to talk...

No, I don't want to talk about other stuff I never did. I wanted to make sure you got off campus. Thank you for checking. Yeah, something bad happened. Look, I got my coupons. Good, good. I'm going to need you to travel far and wide and put those on people's eyelids. Great.

When you guys did that little ritual, you did it at the exact wrong moment to do it. Yikes. Shit, shit, shit. Yeah, no shit. There's a lot of people in hell listening when you guys pray. And I know you guys do it as like a joke a lot of times, but it's not a joke to us. so timing was pretty bad a pretty bad dude heard that okay so here's the thing normally nobody reacts to it and it's just kind of a legit thing we do yeah no we know you do it and we don't take it seriously either okay but

There was a little bit of a crunch in the moment when that happened. You did it exactly when you shouldn't have done it. Okay. I would have warned you if I knew who you were, but I didn't. Yeah. When you did it, it made me know who you were. Oh. Does everyone in hell know who we are now? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, whoopsie-daisy. A lot of people in hell know who you are. Okay. So just, you know, heads up. How powerful are you in terms of hell?

Demons. So you don't know me, but that's a very rude question to ask a demon. Oh shit, I'm so sorry. That's a very rude one. I'm sorry. Roll a 20. Fuck. I got a 13. 13? Okay. I'm okay. That's fine. You didn't hurt my feelings. I'm sorry. But you could have. You're right. You could have touched. You got close to a nerve. A nerve. I should have realized that. But to be fair. There.

I'm oblivious to etiquette and social expectations. That's one of my personality traits. Look at this. Look at that. Inspiration die. Yay! It rolled on one. Oh no! I threw an inspiration die at you and I got a critical fail. Okay, I pissed my pants. Oh, no. Luckily, these ain't my pants and I ain't going to be here too long. How have you never done stuff? What do you mean? I'm sorry. How have I never done stuff?

I'm sorry. That's a rude one. You don't have to roll for that. That hurt my feelings. And I knew that etiquette. Hoink my feelings. I'm going to get out of here. Okay. You're welcome. Bye.

Wait, what about your restaurant? It's Davo again. Yeah, but you got piss all over yourself. Whoa! Beer! Someone poured beer on me. Oh, thank you, Lord. Thank you. I got my wish. Beer. This hole's looking up for me. Albie and Cordelia and Bello and Davo are wandering back.

through the campus, which is no longer a campus now. You are just in the woods. There are a lot of evergreen trees. This is, you are technically in a, not that anyone asked, you're in a temperate rainforest right now. It's a very lush area. The campus has returned to what it was like before the campus was built there all those years ago.

Branson, what time of day is it? The time of day is late afternoon. Let's say you guys have spent about an hour or two just exploring all the nooks and crannies of the campus. Under the canopy, is it pretty dark? Yeah. Great. So I'm going to cast, I'm going to cast produce flame. Ooh. Which creates a little, a little. fireball in my hand to sort of light the way. Oh, great. We got a little light source. Yeah. That's very nice. As you do this, you come across...

You walk to a part of campus that might be it feels familiar to you now is you're having a difficult time placing where exactly on campus you were. And you walk past what appears to just be a stone area. There's just like completely flat on the ground and it's stone instead of grass. I'm going to walk onto it. You can just hear there's sort of an echoey echo in your footsteps. You can tell underneath you there's like empty space.

It almost sounds hollow. Yeah. Yeah, it does. I start like stomping my hoof on it to kind of hear. Yeah, as you do that, you hear there's like a knock that comes back. Whoa. Ooh. Wait, hold on. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Cool, you completed the pattern, so you left nothing for the other. Wait, Albie, Albie, hey, try it again where you...

Where you don't do the last two knocks. You stop me because I don't count them, okay? Okay. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock. Stop. Let's flash back a few hours to... stir fry and uh frederick are in this uh they're in this room and uh uh the now named douglas has just uh backed up out of the room very

Very skilled, Mr. DeBonesby. Very good. You sure put a stop to that one, yes. Of course, with my help. Many would say you couldn't have done it without me. But now that I have said that, I also say that... I'm going to go back to reading the books now. Yes, of course. The natural thing about boiling a cake. You don't have to boil the cake, friend. I would like to boil the cake. What faculties do you have here to boil a cake? Well, I'll spit into a bucket and I'll...

I'm not even listening. I'm going right back to the bucket. I'll keep speaking and rise it. As this happens, you guys feel a weird sort of shudder. It's almost like there were tremors in the earth. What are you doing, stir-fry? Do you not feel the shudders? It's ribbed through the walls. Very strange, indeed. But, of course, that won't distract me from my goal, which is boiling you a cake.

The door swings back open again. Douglas comes back in. Hey, there's like a tremor. Was that you guys? Are you doing something in here? No, we felt it as well. You did? Yes. Did it scare you? Can I ask? No. Okay. I'm just asking, like, if you, if somebody was scared by it, do you think that would make them bad? Yes. Yeah? Yes. Oh, it didn't scare me. I was brave about it. You were scared. No, I wasn't scared. You sure? Yeah. Well, well, well. What?

No, Douglas, this is interesting to me. You said you weren't scared. Did you want to know if it was okay to be scared? That seems rather strange. So Fry, how's that cake? Yes, of course. You have to forgive my bird. I taught him how to speak, and now he thinks he's smart in general. Like Meowth. Oh, yeah. Like Meowth. From the old story, yeah.

The old story. The cat who learned to talk. The cat who learned to talk. Sure. So could you do magic? Of course I can do magic. You can? Could you do some for me right now? What would you like to see? Can you do, uh, can you make fire? Yeah, just fire off a flame bolt. It's a cantrip. It's no big deal at all. Whoa! Oh, that was radical! Thank you. That was really cool. Very easy. Yeah?

Could you teach me to do it? No. No? No. Okay. He's standing half in the doorway, and as he does this, he is split in half. Ay, caramba. Half of him is suddenly just, like, torn from existence. The doorway fills in hard with stone. And the other half of him, like the front half of him, looks at you with an expression frozen on his face. By the blood of my beak.

He just, like, blood comes out of his mouth. Well, that's the end of you, Douglas. And he falls. Half of him falls over forward. Mr. DeBurnsby. Will you still be needing that cake? No, you never really needed to make the cake. I must admit, I am a rather... Not scared, of course, but perturbed. What's going... Arm is shaking. And our friend Douglas is now... Well, he looks a little more like you. Half a man? Well, no...

No, just... You know how I feel about commentary on my look. Yes, of course. You know, more bone than man, which is not half a man, but just a different sort of man indeed. We seem to be trapped. No, I think there's a magical transportation involved, either through time and space or both. More likely both. Are you sure that you didn't do anything about it? You were looking at spells. Perhaps you... Maybe you've gotten your magic powers and... No, this works only.

Nothing that could produce this. I wasn't even practicing. I promise you, you will. You'll get back to your former glory. If my name ain't stir-fry. You made me, so you'll make yourself again. And that I promise. I'm looking for affection I'm looking for acceptance and I have a bony face that gives no expression oh yeah there's nothing black eyes staring at him but I'm like stressing I'm like stressing my eyeballs to see if I can sort of get it out huge like arcrum beads of sweat are flying off

Do you guys want to roll for perception for the room? Oh, yeah. I got a 21. Oh, you got the lay of the land. So, Frederick, you look around and you can tell something about this room. The architecture doesn't match the rest of the school. It looks a little bit more, from what you know of the world, it's a little bit...

It's almost ancient in its... It's not ancient necessarily, but it's much older in its design than the rest of the school. Has the room changed? The room hasn't changed. Oh, it was always like this. It was always like this. It was always an old room. Okay. And it's only now that it's been recontextualized that you're sort of looking around and noticing that there are tally marks all over the wall. And you see the word lexicon written over and over and over again.

Is all the stuff still in the room? The grades are gone and the answers to tests are gone. 70% of the books have disappeared. All of the shelves, the books have just fallen to the ground. And that's it. But it's just you in this room with these books. I'm going to just grab a random book to check it out. Cool. In the book, you see it's extremely old, and there's writing in there. Oh, hell yeah. That's a classic book, baby.

What but a book. In the book you see, the book is called The Account of My Innocence by Lexicon Mathers. Yeah, we'll save that book. Yeah, sure. In the book, it opens up with greetings from the past. Just like every other book. By Lexicon Matters. The Account of My Innocence by Lexicon Matters. Greetings from the past. By now, I'm sure society has advanced to a place where all of us eat our daughters. But... I shake my head and... Not yet. Not yet. But it wasn't always like that.

There once was a primitive, barbaric time, the time I find myself trapped in now, when a man couldn't enjoy an unforgettable meal. How could someone deny him that unforgettable experience? I know what you're probably saying.

How? Oh, you stopped. You don't. I said that and then I kept reading. Okay, cool. You tear through the book. The book is just all about how like everyone should eat their own daughters. And these are probably like preparation methods for like how to eat your daughter the best. It's. It takes you about two hours to read through the book. We have nothing else to do. Yeah, why not? Time enough at last. After reading for about two hours, you hear a knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Is there a second part to that song? They did the whole thing. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. I think you just do it again. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock. As you do a nurse. Then you say hello to the nurse. Oh, yes. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock. Hello, nurse. Okay, let's try it. Okay. Hello, nurse. As you do that, you hear a knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Oh, that makes sense. Do it. You do it. I'm scared you do it. Okay, I'll do it. Whoa! Who's down there? Hello, my name is Frederick the Bonesby. I love this guy. And my name is Stir Fry. Uh-oh. Are you a teacher at the school? No, I'm a student. Oh. We're trapped in a room with no door out and many fascinating books by the founder of the university. Well, the whole school has disappeared. That...

That lines up with my experience down here. Are there any windows or anything? No. Is there like an emergency exit? No. Frankly, I'm astounded sound is getting through. That is weird. Maybe it's not a... very thick stone ceiling. No, we're not even yelling, are we? Do you want to try something? Yeah, I want to try driving my hoof through it. Let's see what happens. Okay. Oh yeah, so that's plus five. So 19.

19. Okay, you get, there's like, you do it once really hard and there's like, sort of like a spider web of cracks in the cement form. Going way better from up top. Get out of the way. Out of the way. Good job, Albie. I think. Wow. You keep doing it. You do it again and the ceiling sort of all caves in. You're going to fall doing that. You're right in the center of it. Yeah.

You are face-to-face now with a skeleton man and a kenku. Yeah, so I think I was brushing myself off when I heard him talk, and then I turned around. Hello. Hi. Awesome. Hey, I'm going to stick my head down into the hole. Yeah, sure. You guys see a Sasquatch with an excellent lavender haircut. Hello. Hello. I also poke my head in. Oh, cool. The hottest.

damn tiefling you ever saw sticks his head over. Good lord. Hi. I've got some rope. I'll throw it down. Okay. It smells old in here. Davo like cannonballs in. Whoa! Davo! Where's the drink? Davo, you're still bleeding a lot. Careful, you're so hurt. Davo, you should really sit down. Sit down. I want to run. Oh, no. Okay, roll a d4. I think he has a concussion. I think he has a dead. Two. You fall unconscious.

Yeah, a big bubble is coming out of your nose. Zs are coming out of your head. He needs this rest. He never sleeps. So I throw the rope down. Great, let's climb out. Yes, you first, Mr. DeBonesby. How about my friend Albie first? I wasn't even considering that I wouldn't go first. Yes, of course. I reached my arm down. Do you need to help up? Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. He's unbelievably light. Whoa!

Cool, you throw this man is more than half your weight. You pull him up with ease, though. You're very strong. Yeah, I'm a strong. I'm a strong squash. Whoopsie-daisy. A strong squash. Mm-hmm. Cool. Let's all everyone meet each other. Introduce yourselves to each other.

Well, I'll start. My name is Stir Fry. I'm Mr. DeBonesby's humble companion. I also cook for him, you see. Hence the name Stir Fry. Us Kenku are always known to respond with what people say. He's always going, Stir Fry! I'll go, Stir Fry! Right back at you. Get him the food, of course. Oh, my God. You looked at me with pity. No, no, no. Strange. No, not pity. I just...

Well, my name is Frederick Bonesby. I was once a very powerful wizard. I had my own estate. I rented out farmland to the local farmers and such. I had an unfortunate run-in with some magic when I tried to become a lich. Undead, all-powerful lich. Oh, amazing.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I have a rather skeletal appearance. I wouldn't have said anything. That's very kind. And that's why I look like this. It didn't work. And it actually stripped me of all of my ability of magic, as well as my land and title. Did it strip you of your...

You're like your skin and flesh and fats. My skin and my flesh and my fats. Albie's fur is like standing on end right now. But my bones do stick together through some magical means that I'm not entirely sure how they work. So I've had to become a student again.

learn all of the magical ways that I've lost and I will become all powerful again. Make no mistake. You have a dream. I respect that. And I love magic. My name is Albie and I have a dream too. I'm going to become a monk of the four winds just like my hero, Kretis. Hell yeah, you are. Do I know who Kretis is? Yeah, you actually, you would have heard, I think all of you would have heard of Kretis. Kretis is a big deal, a badass monk warrior who controlled...

Gain control of the four elements. Oh, the monk of the four elements. Yes! His exploits are legendary. His exploits are legendary. Yes, yes, yes. And now a lot of people go around spreading his word at the Creedus Clearwater Revival. You went to that too? We can cut that. No, he said it. It's canon. There's a Creedus Clearwater revival. They're never going to hear it. They're never going to sue us. It's fine.

I travel with my personal chef, Mr. Frank. What are all of your names? I'm Belotheon. My buds call me Bello. I'm just like a student here. I guess I'm studying, like, druid stuff. It's no big deal. No, it's a big deal. Righteous. And I'm Cordelia Sasquatch. I spent the first 14 years of my life in the forest. Sorry, your first name is Cordelia? Yeah. Strange. I've never met a Cordelia before. So...

Okay, so I wandered out of the forest one day into a town and was like, what is this? This is amazing. There's a bunch of wood and it's all structured together. And then there's like folks living in there. Blew my mind. Amazing. And it turned out that there was something called patriotic. So they helped me get a name and it was Cordelia.

And then I hung out with them for a while, and it turns out friendship is awesome, and other people are awesome. Sasquatches grow up alone. We raise ourselves. That must be hard. I don't know. I wouldn't, you know, I don't know anything else. But I've never met another Sasquatch and I've never met another being who's met a Sasquatch. So very excited. Hopefully someday. Knock on wood. And...

Then I decided to go to college. And that's why I'm here. She's 35. I'm 35. And I am Street Plancers. You all look and you see a demon. Completely, he's like burning from the inside out. And he's holding up Davo, but he's still asleep by the scruff of his neck. Hey, excuse me. Are you okay? You are excused. Uh-oh. You look like you're on fire. I am on fire. Should we put you out? No. Oh. I like it. Oh. I'm naturally on fire. Oh, gotcha. Got it? Yeah. You got it? Yeah. Okay.

I'm a demon! Yeah, got that. Yeah, no shit you got that. Leave this place. Why? I mean, why? Are you serious? Why? Well, yeah, like, what happened? What happened? The college is gone. Leave. Oh, end of story? Yes, end of story. You're in no position to demand an explanation from me. Yeah, let's not even worry about what might have happened. Well, first of all, you have to give my buddy back. Do I? Yeah. Or what?

Or you'll be in big trouble. With who? With Sigma Sigma Sigma. Who is Sigma Sigma Sigma? Only the best frat off campus. What a guild of some sort? There are many of us. Many? How many? Well, up until... A few hours ago- MY NAME IS STRAYED PLANCES I AM LEGION THERE ARE INFINITE OF ME STRAYED We're Strayed Plances. Strayed? Strayed Plances. Do you not like the name? No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's your fucking name? My name is Albiradan. Oh, Albiradan. Like, okay. I got a name too, you know.

Okay, okay, that's fine. I was named by someone who loves me. I just think you should know that we have a very active alumni network. Oh, you do? Yeah. You have an active alumni network? Yeah. Well, look at this. He opens his mouth and you see an incomprehensible evil. Yeah, fuck your alumni network. That was really messed up, man. Yeah, it was. You know what? It was messed up. I didn't like that at all. I didn't fucking think you would. Can I have my friend back? Can you?

Are you going to leave? Albie starts doing like a little fighter stance like she's dancing back and forth a little bit. Let's fucking do that. He throws Davo to the ground. Davo! Destiny! Davo! Devil lands on a, let's say a pillow. He's fine. He doesn't take any damage. A pillow in the forest. His two hands go, his face rests on his two hands, a serene smile on his face.

Who defies Strayed Plancers? Is this defying you by keeping my heart rate up? Excuse me, is that funny? Little bird, is that funny? It's the name Strayed. It sounds a little bit like he needs a map, am I right, guys? He like screams and like... Fire comes from his eyes and mouth and fingers. Roll for initiative.

Okay, how close am I to Strayed? You're all within 10 feet of him. Okay, so, and he's flaming? He is floating off of the ground right now, and he appears to be consumed. by flame flames are like coming out of where his eyes and mouth would be and his fingertips like there's like almost a half an inch of space between each of his fingertips and like a small controlled flame out of each one. I'm going to use my bow staff.

And I'm going to try and swing towards, I guess, I probably swing towards his lower body, assuming that's what I can reach with my bow staff. He's just floating like a foot off the ground. He's not like way up above you. Then I'm going for a body blow. Yeah, go for it. Okay. So it is a 10 to hit. So you whiff your bo staff, misses him.

Okay. Completely. He doesn't even look at you. He's just like looking ahead. He's really not looking at anything. He's just like in a trance almost. Okay. So I'm going to do as a bonus action an unarmed strike. Sure. I'm going to try and do like a little spin kick. Okay. And land it. Same space. So that is a 21. That hits? Two damage. Okay, great. It's like hitting a statue or something. He's just extremely hard. He's extremely resilient.

And hard. And you feel the heat from it. It makes you, like, pull back really quickly. Okay. All right, Cordelia, it's your turn. Okay, so that demon was like, I'm going to grant you magic. Yeah. Did that happen already? Yes. And I have no idea what it is. You can just figure it out. Okay. You can aim for something right now. Awesome. So I'm just going to.

I'm assuming something's going to happen. Yeah. And I'm just going to put my hand out and cast accidentally mage hand, which is just an illusion. Awesome. And it's just like a spectral floating hand. So I think it's just going to be like a... It's like a hand illusion. It's just going to fly up towards his face. Okay, cool. Do you have to roll anything for that or does it just work? No, it's a cantrip. Okay, great. So it works.

You throw a hand at his face and that does, it's like when a bird flies at somebody, he's like, oh my God, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. He like flips out at that. So the hand just like goes at him. He like swats it away. The hand like dissipates. Great. He looks like a little shaken and then immediately just goes right back into his like Christ pose with the flaming eyes and mouth and everything. Albie, did you see that? That rolled. That was amazing. It is Frederick de Bonesby's turn.

All right, so I grab my component pouch off my belt and I wriggle around in there and I look for what I need and I grab a handful of sand and I throw it at his face and I go, sleep. Cool. And I cast sleep at him. I thought you were just going to throw sand in his eyes. So it affects up to 18 hit points. So if he's over 18 hit points, it doesn't work. Okay. It's not going to work then. Oh, no. So he just gets sand on his face. He like.

Keeps the same pose and spits the sand out of his mouth. He got a little sand in his mouth, but that's all that happened to him. I take the rest. I move to run behind everybody else. Yeah, sure. It is now his turn. Is this your move? Yeah, attacked and then I ran. It's his turn and he just points a finger. at Davo and Davo sort of like wakes up fire in his eyes. Oh no. And Davo sort of like floats up and assumes the same position.

as him. So they're just, they're about 15 feet apart now on either side. You guys are in between these two. So Davo is on one end and fucking Strayed is on the other end. And they're just floating, and they're sort of even with each other. Although Davo is much smaller, but it's still the same idea. All right. It's Joe's turn. Thank you. I'm going to cast Create or Destroy Water.

Cool. The water falls as rain in a 30-foot cube within range, extinguishing exposed flames in the area. So I'm going to cast it as a rain cloud directly above Strayed's head. Cool. And I rolled a 16 on it. Rain falls onto him, and as soon as it touches his skin, it just, like, it steams. But does he look less cool?

Honestly, he looks cooler. He looks badass now. He is in slightly better shape than you, and he says, leave this place. And as he says it, Davo's mouth too, and the same voice emits from Davo. and says, leave this place. I just sort of look with awe and say, he's in slightly better shape than me.

You see a glimmer in his eyes. He's like, hell yeah, I am. All right, it's Albie's turn. Albie gets a nosebleed. Cool, yeah. You want to use a bonus action after that or just the nosebleed? Albie doesn't quite know what to do because... She senses that she's gravely outmatched, but it's not really in her nature to back off a fight. Sure. So I think she's going to go for another unarmed strike. Go for it. 24 to hit. Hits. And it's a three.

Okay, great. You, again, it's the same thing as before. Do you, like, punch him or kick him or, like, what's the? Yeah, she does another. She's not going to punch him because she knows he's too hot to punch. Yeah. So she's going to do another kick, another spin kick. Cool. Yeah, you. hit him you do that much damage but again like you feel a burning sensation moving through your body it doesn't do any damage but it's just like ah that's hot that's like a hot my hoof is like orange

Yeah, yeah. And you put it on the ground, and it leaves, like, orange marks on the ground. All right. It is Cordelia's turn. I have a crossbow, but I'm just not. Ready to give up on the idea that I maybe have some awesome magic. Yeah, yeah. But unfortunately, I'm about to cast another cantrip, a minor illusion. Great. So I think I can maybe catch this guy. Yeah. So I'm going to try and create what I don't realize is an illusion of a sphere around him. Great.

So if a creature uses its action to examine the sounder image, the creature can determine it's an illusion with a successful intelligence check against your spell save DC. So you're going to cast just what appears to be an airless? Yeah, just a big force field. Can he see through it, or is it transparent? That's up to you, I think. Yeah. Okay, great. No, I think it looks like a bubble.

So there's like a rainbow sort of oily rainbow. Okay, so he thinks he's inside of a bubble. Great, he's in the bubble. You see he's like confused, but it's not like his turn to try this yet. This is all happening instantaneously. So you've like...

There's like a real, like an odd look in his eyes. He's like, what's happening here? It is now Frederick the Bonesby's turn. All right, Frederick is still running away. Yeah. He's just running away full speed, and he's just yelling at me, you're outcast, you fools! Run! No, I got him. I got him. It's fine. Okay. He's now going to use his turn. That's my turn. Yeah. Smartest turn so far. He's going to use his turn to examine the bubble. Yeah. He like.

What's the spell save DC? 12. So he's got to beat a 12. He doesn't. He believes he's trapped in the bubble, and he screams. He like, whoa! He screams, and as he does... Davo screams as well. Davo is just mirroring his every move. Davo seems to have no free will of his own. And he reaches out for the bubble and like...

bangs against the bubble, but it doesn't work. Oh my god, I have bubble magic! He believes he's trapped. Yeah, you don't know necessarily that this is a fake bubble too. It's now Bello's turn. I turn to Cordelia and say, Is he trapped? Yeah, look, he's trapped. I did it. I turn to him and I say, Release my friend. Awesome. And maybe we'll let you go.

I'll make you a deal. I'm listening. If you leave this place, your friend is yours. But you have to let me out of this bubble. Why do you want us to leave this place, though? We go to school here. Not anymore. Why? You're excused. What happened? School's out. Is this because of the ritual? Oh, shh. You. What? You. Hi, what's up? You're the ones who did the ritual. I thought he knew. I owe you a debt.

Oh, nice. Oh shit, yeah, that was us. That was totally us. All right. Did you like it? Did you take our school to hell? Excuse me? Did you take our school to hell? I did no such thing. Okay. I did nothing but appear. Did somebody take our school to hell? Stop. What? Stop asking. Okay. Because, I mean, you said, like, she asked about the ritual. Let me order the bubble. No. Let me order the bubble. We're not done with you, bro. This is a powerful bubble. Wait, what's the debt?

That you owe us. Why do you owe us a debt? One boon. One boon? Your friend or information? Sorry, I have a question. Is a boon a wish? Excuse me? It's a gift. A wish? No, no wishes. But a favor. One favor. Your friend or the information? Wait, we don't each get a boon? No, you get a boon. I get one boon.

Stop saying boon. Are you getting a boon from us? I give one boon a day. You give a boon. Today's not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either. Do we each get one on your t-shirt? No, we say that in hell. That's not. It actually doesn't totally apply. Okay. Okay, well... Wait, are we getting a boon tomorrow? No, no. Oh, yeah. Jesus fucking Christ, you get one boon! Boon tomorrow can be our information boon. I do not know how to make it any fucking clear. Either kill your friend or...

And you don't- and you get the information, or I keep your friend alive and no information. Okay, but here's the thing, we- he's not- really actually our friend. You know what I mean? Oh my god. I'm sorry. What? I love it. I love what I'm hearing. Look, I lived for 14 years alone. People are, I don't know, mildly expendable. Go ahead. Cordelia. Hey, I know you're not in Sigma Sigma Sigma, but we always look after our brothers. Okay.

Don't you always look after your sisters? No, in Mothra... It's a little cutthroat, but... Okay, but my frat is not cutthroat, and I say we keep him alive. Look, okay... If this boon, am I wing womaning you by accepting the boon of saving this guy's friendship? Is that what you want? Yeah. Okay, fine. Okay. Yeah, we want the life of the man. You want the life of the guy? Wow, I thought you were cool. Okay. No, that's fine.

I thought you were cool. You are cool. You're cool. Don't listen to me. I know I have my jean vest. All right. I return your friend to you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. And I return your life to you. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Hey, before you go, I'm like, I'm a tiefling. Are we, like, related? Gotta go. He just disappears. He, like, disappears in a puff of smoke. Okay. You hear a booming voice say, though, like, For real, though, leave this place.

I guess let's go catch up with Joe Bonesby and what? Beak Man. Stir Fry. Stir Fry. Devo, are you okay? Oh, man. You should be dead. Methinks. I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking beer either. Davo bursts into flames. And a booming voice says, never trust a demon. Leave this place. Leave this place. Get lost, strayed.

Did you tell me to get lost? I'm running. I burst one of you into flames. I'm leaving. Yeah, you're leaving. Yeah, you're all leaving. You suck. I could bubble you, but you are lucky. You're lucky you're like... an incorporeal voice right now, bro. And we will talk to you tomorrow for tomorrow's boon. Yes, we need tomorrow's boon. Try and find me. No, find us. No, why would I do it? I'm not going to find you to help you. You owe us boons.

Fuck no. You have to come to us. No. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Don't say that. I promise. Has anyone seen Mr. DeBonesman? All right, we'll end it there. Ha ha, yes, quite the rude tale indeed. That was Ali Fisher as Cordelia, Carly Monardo as Albie. Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonesby. Tim Platt as Stir Fry. Joe Lepore as Bellow. and Branson Reese as everything and everyone else. Rude Tales of Magic is produced by Taylor Moore at Fortunate Horse. He sounds nice.

See you next time, weirdy traveler, when you most desire even more rude tales of magic. That was a hate gum podcast.