Brothers Keeper

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ah, there you are, traveller. Come inside and hang up your coat. put your feet by the fire and I shall bring you what you so desperately seek rude tales of magic

Previously on Rude Tales of Magic, our heroes encountered and then fled the horrific demon Kevin. Before he was absorbed by the shambling terror... Albie's brother gave them one clue as to the whereabouts of Albie's parents. Something about an inn in the nearby Soaking Valley. A true rat hole of a dive called The Delighted Wife.

After two days of recuperating without leaving your rooms, you awake to find yourselves refreshed and maybe even a little eager to get a move on. All of you, that is, except you, Albie. You've spent your time and the delighted wife mourning and meditating, barely speaking to anyone. But you awake now to find yourself alone in a vast field that stretches as far as the horizon. Hello? Hello? Nothing answers. Oh, um... I'm, uh...

I'm nervously trotting along. I'm running and I'll run pretty far in one direction and then just sort of wait and listen and I don't hear anything. Cool. Do you want to do like a perception check? Yeah. Ten. All right. You look directly in front of you and you don't know how you missed it, but there is a vast and for some reason familiar looking mountain staring right back at you. You can't tell why, but you can tell it's looking at you.

Hello? Hello. Don't be afraid. Okay. Okay, I'm not. Hi. Hello. Um, are you? You're Albira Dawn. Do you know Kretis? Kretis? Yeah. You only have a limited amount of time with me. Do you know him? Do you want to talk about Kretis? Or do you want to talk about something else? Um... You just went through something. I don't want to talk about that. You can talk about Kretos if you want, but I'm not going to talk to you again. Who are you? I'm the Earth. Oh my god.

Is this what I think it is? I don't know what you think it is. I think this has to do with Cretus. Does it? I... I reach my hand out. And I extend my fingers and I look at the mountain and I say, move. The mountain moves. Oh my God. I knew it. The mountain moves backwards. I pull my hand down to my side. The mountain moves back to where it was. That was pretty good. Thank you. You're welcome. Are you sure you don't want to talk?

About Casper? We can talk about Casper. I don't think I want to know the truth yet. Are you sure? Well... He said that I was dead, but I wasn't, so I'm just sort of... I feel like maybe he's not dead, but I don't want you to tell me if he is. When somebody dies, they go into me. So I know if they're dead or not. Would you like to know? I take a deep breath and I put out both my arms and I say, open up. The mountain splits in two.

What do I see in there? Just the sky. Shit. That's not bad. You broke a mountain in half. It was pretty good. I know, but it's not what I wanted. I can tell you or I cannot tell you. But if I don't tell you, I can never tell you. But if I do tell you, you can never not know. If you do tell me and I don't like the answer, can I change it? No. Then don't tell me. Are you sure? I'm sure. Okay.

Where are my friends? They're fine. Okay. And you're 100% sure I have to go. You don't want to hear about Casper. It sounds like you want to tell me. But I just don't want anything you don't want. I look down at my hands and I just sort of open and close my fists. And I close my eyes and I just... Say, tell me. Tell me. He's out there. Go find him. He's out there? And as soon as the mountain says, go find him, it erupts. It's a volcano.

But out of the volcano comes you. You wake up in a cold sweat. You're in an inn. What's going on? Oh, yeah. Cordelia is in the room with you in this inn. You're in a bedroom. What's happening? What's going on? I get up and I'm holding my crossbow. I get out of bed and I just start putting my gear back on. Are we going? We gotta go. Okay. Hang on a second. Gulp.

I just had a drink of water. No time, we gotta go. Okay, we're going, we're going, we're going. Are we getting those other people or are we done with them? What do you mean done with them? Like the other people we were with? Our friends? I'm not there yet. What are you guys talking about? You look down, you see Bella was sleeping on the floor. Oh my God. Jeez. I almost stepped on you. I said bad things about you. What?

Not you. Never mind. It's fine. How much attention is Bello paying to me right now? I mean, I'm looking at you. Okay. I feel like I kind of just tapped my toe on your stomach. like really lightly just to see how hard it is. You mean your hoof? Yeah. How did it feel? I don't know. I'm still asleep, I think. That groan you just heard, you hear it comes from the closet.

Stir Fry, are you in the closet? Yeah. Good morning, friends. The door swings open. You see Stir Fry is hanging upside down in the closet. Oh, wow. Stir Fry waves enthusiastically and there's a little flip onto the ground. where he is now standing up. And in so doing that flip, he has put his backpack on top of him. Do you see what I'm saying? Can you do an acrobatics check for this? Yeah, sure. I'm really good at acrobatics. Great. Fucking prove it. 20.

20, right? Yeah, I rolled 20. Plus 9. I got a 1, but plus 9 is 8. Nah, dude, it's a critical fail. Okay, so I do a flip and then... I basically flip my head straight into the heart. Cool, you roll a d4. Yeah. Good morning! Is it morning or is it the middle of the night? It's about 11 in the morning. You take four damage. Okay. Good morning, everyone. Oh, my God.

There's like a thin stream of blood rolling down at the top of your head. I'm used to pain. Good morning, everyone. Stir fry, put pressure on that wound. It's all right. It's breakfast. Anyone want some breakfast? My dude, you're bleeding a lot. Breakfast for anyone? I'll take coffee if you're getting some. We have to go. Oh, okay. Sorry, we're going already. Where are we going?

Casper's out there. We're going to find him. But Casper wanted us to come here, right? Well... Hold on. He wanted us to get a... What? Casper's out there? Yeah. Albie, did you have a dream? I... It wasn't a dream. Did you have a dream? It wasn't a dream. It was a vision. Oh. It was a vision, and I know that Casper's out there. Okay. And I'm supposed to go and get him. Then he's out there. Let's go.

Are we bringing the bone man? Oh. Of course, of course we bring Mr. DeBonesby. I mean, obviously he kicked me out of his room last night because he wouldn't want me to stay in the same bed within years. But we have to bring him along. He's Mr. DeBonesby, come on. He had a momentary lapse of judgment back there. He's DeBonesby, come on. He's a great guy. He gave me everything I know how to do. Didn't he get a two-bedroom? He did?

Yeah, I think so, right? Dungeon Master here confirming, yes, the Bonesby is alone in a two-bedroom. He said there was no room for me in there. It's okay, stir fry. There's room for you here, but we gotta go. Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, stir fry. Wait, is he seizing? You hit his head so hard. Just put your hand on that cut. I'm not...

I'm not sneezing. I'm not sneezing. We know you're not sneezing, but there's like blood running down your beak. You're crying and you're bleeding. I'm going to take my huge hand and just put it entirely over the top of his head and face. Stir Fry looks up to you like a cat looking up for his owner who is a... about to give him food. What we need, Mr. DeBonesby, and trust me, he'll be better tomorrow. And by tomorrow, I mean today.

Okay, fine. At that moment, we cut over to DeBonesby in a luxury suite. This is a much nicer room in this inn. There's like cotton blinds and the... yeah, it's sort of like a cotton curtain and, like, the sun is very gently coming into the room. It is a really nice room. He's on a, he's got, like, Egyptian cotton sheets, feather bed. Yes, and I pushed... Both beds together. Yeah, he's really splayed out on the bed. He's got a ton of extra space. All right. I feel the light caramelization.

of my ivory bones in the morning light, and I say, Steph-Eye! Yeah, Steph-Eye, you can hear it from the other room. Steph-Eye, I'm awake! Stir Fry, don't make him breakfast. Stir Fry slowly takes Hordelia's hand off his head. He picks up his backpack and goes, looks at everyone and goes, Coming, Mr. The Bonesman!

Stir fry. I rush over the room. Go in the room. I start to take out pots and pans. I make a little fire. You gotta make a little fire. Good morning. Can we follow him into the room? You're more than welcome to. Okay, I run into the room and I'm looking at the fire. I'm looking at stir fry. I'm looking at...

I can't even look. I shriek. I'm like, my wig's not on yet. I'm not even looking at you. I'm disgusted with the whole situation. I dive over the other side of the bed. I run in. And I say, Stephanie! I'm taking out potatoes and cutting them up and putting them in little pans over the fire. Stir fry. Stir fry. I need my things. Oh, your things? Yes. Wait a minute, Mr. DeBernstein. If I'm to be entertaining guests at this hour, I'm in no position. We have to go!

And as I say that, I unwittingly cast a gust for the first time and I blow the fire out. I just and I just say from behind the other side of the bed where you can't see me. I am not. Able to receive guests at the moment. Well, we're going, so you can either get your stuff together and come with us, or you can stay here. Bello walks into the room. I think they serve breakfast downstairs. We're going! We're going! Get out of my room!

Right as this happens, a small, even for a halfling, a very small little halfling with strawberry blonde curls, a big sailor's hat on, rosy cheeks. walks up into the room and says, Breakfast is ready! What the fuck? Were you guys setting a fire in here? Did you just say what the fuck? Yeah, motherfucker! I said what the fuck! How old are you? 20. Me too. I'm 20 years old. Oh, you're 22? Yeah. What, do you want to fight about it? What? No, I just want breakfast. Get out of...

Okay, I'm going to go downstairs and get some coffee. I put out the fire. Yeah, follow me, you piece of shit. Hey, don't call her that. I'll call her whatever I want. Are you calling me a piece of shit? Yeah, I am. What are you going to do about it? You called us to breakfast. I'm the only one coming. Yeah.

I'm coming. Who good? Okay, great. Tell your dumb ass friends to get off their fucking asses. They are not my friends yet. What is wrong with you? They're not my friends either. I hope you die in a ditch, you piece of shit. Depones me is somehow, like, wet and, like, clattering, hiding behind the bed. Hey, wet boy, get down here! You can't see me! I can fucking see you! No! You said I'm blind? No!

I hope he puts him in a headlock. Why would you motherfucker? Shut up! Shut up! You shut up! I'll kill you! You know who my father is! You just try to kill me! Just try it! I didn't try to kill you! I can move mountains! I'm trying to- I don't give a fuck! You can move mountains! I serve breakfast! I put my hand over his mouth. Do you know who my brother is? My hand is over his mouth. He's screaming really loud. Right as you say this, a halfling...

who in halfling terms, this would be a fullling. He is the size of one man, but he's a halfling. He walks up. He is, he is, you can. From context, you can discern that this is this little guy's brother who he was just screaming about. He walks in. He has a... He has sort of a Superman curl to his hair and a big handlebar mustache. He is very muscular. He's just, what are you doing to me, brother? Um, I...

Sort of just... nervously release my grip on him. Yeah, let go of me, you piece of shit! They strong! You know what they were doing to me? What were they doing to you? They were trying to kill me! What do you think about that? I was... I wasn't trying to kill him. Was you trying to kill me, brother? No, I wasn't trying to kill him. Wait, wait. Sorry, your brother's name is Strong? No, Armstrong. What's your brother's name? Me brother's name is Pipsy.

Yeah, my name's Pipsy, and don't you forget it! While this is all happening, Stir Fry is slowly going to the closet and taking all of Mr. DeBonesby's things and bringing them to him as he's behind the bed. Cool! Come downstairs now. Breakfast is served. Okay, we don't want breakfast. Breakfast is served. He's like clenching his fists. I'll come have some breakfast. Yeah, you all come down and have some breakfast.

Okay, we're right behind you. I'm gonna fight this guy. What was that? Nothing. Who are you gonna fight? Which guy? Uh, me! She's going to fight me. You see? I'm already bloody in the head from the thrashing she gave me earlier. Guess she wants to hurt me more. Well then finish the job, motherfucker! Hey, fuck... What? Fuck who? Fuck me! Yeah, fuck you! Yeah, fuck me! Yeah, fuck you! Come on downstairs. Yeah, fuck me. I'll come on downstairs. All right. They lead you downstairs.

We cut downstairs to the main hall of The Delighted Wife. It is 11, it's about 11 in the morning, something like 11, 11.30, somewhere in that range. The bar... This is a bar. This is like an inn with a saloon at the bottom. A saloon implies Old West, but it's a bar. There is a Fantasy World bar down there, and the bar is active, and it's hot. It is 11.30, 11 in the morning, and people are at this bar. So Pipsy leads you down, and you see that almost every table has breakfast.

and there seems to be sort of like a continental breakfast. There's some eggs, a little bit of bacon, and... The bar is almost full of all manner of fantasy creatures and sort of bar flies. The bar is being tended by a... like a rail thin human who appears to be in his late thirties, who is, he's shirtless and covered in scars. His head is shaved and he has sort of a, a really closely.

cropped beard, and an eye patch. Does Pipsy take us to tables, or he just sort of leads us downstairs? Yeah, sit your fat asses down over here, you motherfucker! Then he leads you to an empty table. Thanks, Pipsy.

Yeah, no problem. Choke on it. Hey, Pipsy. What? I have a question. Yeah. Is the Delighted Wife like the kind of place where like the like the employees are rude to the customers as like a thing and it's like we're all sort of in on the game? No, I'm not.

Do this. I get in big trouble, but I don't give a fuck. Okay. I ain't got shit to prove. You think I do? He pulls a knife out. Oh, my God. Whoa. You think I do? I slapped the knife. I'm not afraid to die. Oh, fuck. I slapped the knife out of his hand. He goes running for the knife. My knife.

I step on it with my hoof. What the fuck? Give me my knife back! No! Tipsy, maybe you calm down and eat some breakfast yourself. What are you- As he does this, another halfling with blonde hair and a really strong chin walks up and says, Pipsy, what seems to be the problem here? Goodness. How many of you are there? There's seven of us. Are there any wives? Any wives? Yeah. What do you mean? Cordelia, yeah. Also, what do you mean?

Sorry, I'm just waiting to meet the delighted wife. Oh, the delighted wife is long past. You're speaking to the brothers Pepsi. Oh. Are you all named Pepsi? No, Pepsi. Pepsi? Our surname is Pepsi. You're telling me that his name is Pipsy Pepsi? Yes, I am. Yeah, do you have a problem with that motherfucker? My first name's after my last name. I'm named after my last name. Albie, can you hold him? I can't. I don't want to. No, fuck it.

Touch me! I don't want to. Yeah! I got a nail on me somewhere! I get him. I get him. I get him. You're naming something like that. You have to puff yourself up to make up for it. Yeah! Yeah, you get me. It's shit, though, but you get it. Yeah, I get it, because, like, if your name's something like that, a lot of people don't have to mess with you because your name's so funny-sounding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, choke on a knife, but yeah, yeah, that's like the general idea. Yeah, because I bet you actually have a heart of gold, and you're actually kind of a nice guy, but you have to speak as well. Also, so many brothers. No, no, my brother does not have a heart of gold. Sorry, what was your name again? Virtue Pepsi.

Virtue? Yes? Have you seen any other fawns come through here? Any fawns? Yeah. I don't know. I don't pay much attention to the comings and goings of the delighted wife. Despite that. I merely serve. Is there someone who does pay attention to the comings and goings? Well, you'd have to ask the bartender. Okay. He seems a little beat up. Yes. Is that Pipsy's doing? No. Are you sure? That's the doing of our owner. Oh. Let me guess. A disappointed husband?

Just a little joke. I'm sure that name is figurative more than anything else. Stirfryer's still bleeding. Ah, right, from the thrashing you gave me earlier. No, no, no. There's no disappointed husband. The owner of our establishment is named... He leans in and whispers to you, Moira Thousand. Moira Thousand? Don't say it so loud. She'll hear you. Moira Thousand? Stop saying it. Moira Thousand? The more you say it, the more she's going to hear you.

Okay. Do all of your brothers work here, Virtue? Yes. Cool. So we're going to get to meet them all? Yes. You're going to meet all of us individually. Great. Great. I love it. Virtue, is there coffee? Yes. Can I have some? Yes. Will you get it for me or do I need to get it? Well, it'll cost you. How much?

Gold piece. Wait, sorry, we were going to leave. Not before breakfast, you were. Well, now you're telling us we have to stay for breakfast and we have to give you gold for it? Breakfast is compo- No, the breakfast is free. The coffee is a gold piece. That's expensive coffee. Yeah, but the breakfast is free. Do you have tea? Anything else with caffeine that's free? Yes, we have caffeine tea. We have caffeined tea.

Is it free? We've also got ale with a little caffeinated kick to it. I actually don't care. Just give me something with caffeine. All right. Well, I'm not a bartender. You... I'm going to go to the bartender. Okay, I'm coming. You make your way up to the crowded bar. There's a bunch of people. It's tough to get to the bartender's attention. There's one guy.

tending bar and the bar is pretty crazy. There's probably about between 15 and 20 people just like at the bar there. Some people are slumped over. And drinking. There is... You notice a little bit of free space, though, next to a very old-looking human man with a long white beard. And he sits next to a... Especially large, even for its species, bugbear with a blindfold around its eyes. Excuse me? And I sort of wiggle into the space next to them, and I...

I'm like tapping on the bar to get the bartender's attention. Cool. Yeah. The bartender, he looks at you and he comes over. How can I help you? Whoa. What? My friend here wanted whatever free caffeinated drink you have. And I have a question for you. You want a drink for free? I just heard some of the caffeinated drinks are free and some of them aren't. Is that false? I don't think...

that was what anyone said. That's what Virtue said. I thought Virtue said that the... I think he said they were less expensive. Hey, Bello. I didn't realize you forgot this. I've got a busy bar. What do you want? I guess I'll just go with coffee then. I mean, it can be free, but there's a cost for everything. Okay, like, what are we talking about? You have to hurt me. Oh, I hate this. Can't we just drink something else? Well, now that I'm thinking about it, I won't take money.

You have to hurt me. I need coffee. And I need to get hurt. From the back, Stir Fry is showing up.

pee pee pepsi like pipsy pepsi pipsy pepsi uh sir friday's showing pipsy pepsi uh knife tricks um and he's calling over uh hurt him for me too i also want a cup okay um can i just Any kind of hurting? Tell me what you want to drink and I'll tell you what you have to do to me. Okay, two cups of coffee, please. Okay, that's going to be two punches in my neck. In your neck? Yeah. Okay, here I go.

22. 22? Yeah. Fucking nail this guy. Okay, and then I hop over the bar. You hop over the bar and do a second one for the second question. Yeah, give it to me. This one's 14. Why'd you? Oh, why'd you stop? I got a little disoriented. Can we please just have coffee? No, I have a question for him. Sure, but it'll cost you. Come on. What? I'll do it. Just ask him.

Have you seen any other fawns come in here? Maybe an older woman and an older man? I might have. Well, did you or didn't you? You're gonna have to knock the wind out of me. Knock the wind out of you? Somebody's gonna have to! Alright, I'll do it. I'm breathing real easily over here. I guess I'm going to punch you in the chest. Yeah, well, right, but look at her in the solar plexus. Okay, in the solar plexus. Is he still on his back? Okay, I got a 14. He's prone on his back. A 14. 14 again, yeah.

Now he can't talk at all. I know. It was a bad plan. He like gestures over to a door. Go there. Okay. Go there? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. And I give him an extra punch as thanks. Yeah. Oh, yeah! All right, I have to get out of here. I go towards, yeah, we both go towards the door. As they go to the door, Bella leans over the bar and says, Hey, do you do like mimosas?

Yeah. Okay, you guys leave them to this as you walk over to the door. Albie, are we really rushing? Is there a rush right now? Do I need to not wait for my coffee? I guess that's what I'm asking because I trust you and I'll go. Cordelia, my parents! Is that what's happening? There's two things happening. We have to find my parents. Yes. And we have to find Casper. I think he died, boo. He didn't die! He didn't die! It's not that... It's not that...

Normally I would fight you, but we all watched it. I don't need to be reminded of the fact that we all saw it. I'm just telling you, and you have to trust me. I'm never going to look at a paper plane again the same way. Oh, Delia. What? I had a vision and I spoke to the Earth. Whoa. And the Earth told me. Wait, what?

Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah, I have earth powers right now. You have a one element power? You're a monk of the one element right now. I think I have two. Oh, what's the other one? Wind and earth. It doesn't matter. Okay. My parents could be right behind this door. You can get your coffee, but I'm going in. No, I'm coming in with you. Okay, you're a good friend. I open the door.

Right behind the door is a 70-year-old woman who looks pissed off. She looks like she is weathered by the years, and she... You didn't, I mean, you just opened the door. Had you done, had you like inspected the door, you would have seen that it said employees only. She didn't care. Sure, sure. So you open the door in a 70-year-old tough-looking... She has, like, ripped arms. She is on the other end of the door. What the fuck are you doing?

You have amazing arms. Incredible. Don't try this. What are you doing? The bartender sent us here. He sent us here. He said, I'm sorry, I'm looking for my... Lucas? I don't know his name. Punished Lucas is his name. That checks out. Yeah, he probably sent you over here because he knew I'd kick his ass. Bello wanders in and he's got a big mimosa and a cup of coffee. Yeah, this is yours. What the fuck?

What the fuck do you want from me? I want, sorry, have you seen, um, have you seen two fawns? Why would I tell you that? Are you Moira? Excuse me? Are you Moira? Who are you? I'm Bello. Bello? Am I supposed to know that? No. Sorry, we didn't mean... We didn't mean to barge in. We didn't mean to barge in. Can't you read? It says employees only. I didn't see it. I was just... I was getting ready for the day. Are you the delighted wife? I'm a delighted nothing.

Oh. You're not married? Not anymore. Not since I killed my husband. Oh, boy. And I got away with it. Okay. Despite confessing? Yeah. Why? Because when they sent the city guard to arrest me, guess who I killed?

The city guard. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. Cool. It is cool. That's awesome. That's why I got my name, Moyer Thousand. That's how many people I've killed. Hey, where'd you bury him? Is his body still relevant? I didn't bother burying him. I left him in the street as a message to all the other husbands in town. Do you know Cretus?

Yeah, I know Cretus. You do? I kicked him out of here a few times. You kicked him out? Yes. He's a piece of shit. Come on. That's not true. I broke his nose. You broke Cretus' nose? Yeah, I sure did. Well... Hey, I have a question. What? What was your name before you killed a thousand people? Moira 999, asshole. You want to make it Moira 1001? No, no, we don't want that. I got one rule in here. What? No killing paying customers unless they're out of money.

We're paying customers. Are you out of money? No. And then you're fine. Moira, I'm sorry for barging in. I don't know how to... express the urgency of what I'm trying to do here but I believe that my parents were taken into this village and I think they might be here. I don't care. I never knew my parents. Well, what do you care about? I grew up in the circus because of my wooden heart. Is it literally wood? Yeah. You want to see? Yeah. Your heart? She like opens her shirt. She has like...

pretty recently done up stitches on her chest. She's like, I will undo these stitches right now and show you my beating wooden heart. That's okay. Yeah, we're good. You're good? Yeah. That's what I thought. That's what they all say. I kind of want to say it. You do? Well... You're okay, actually. I like you. Thanks. Cheers. Would you tell us about Albie's parents if we, you know, made it worth your while? What could you possibly do? Albie gets an idea.

Her ears perk up suddenly, and she tries to back out of the room. I'll be right back. Just never come back. That's fine. Okay, I won't. I have a question. Do you guys do late checkout at all? She just closes the door. I run over to... I squeeze through the crowd and I move over to Stir Fry. I'm still with Peppy and we're...

Pepsi, motherfucker! And I'm, like, showing him how I cut up the bacon that was for dinner. And if you want to do a fast cut, like this. Surfi! Oh, yes? I have a question for you. Yes? But come over here. Why can't I hear it? You can hang out with me, little dude. No, I don't like you. Why? I don't know. We gotta weigh about you. We could be friends. I don't want to be your friend. I got plenty of friends. Hey, uh, hey, hey, hey, Bello, check this out. I tossed Bello my knife.

Bella catches it. Hey, show him how to do stuff with a knife. I can show you knife stuff. Yeah, I want to see knife stuff. Okay, cool. Stir Fry. Yes? Can you... This is dangerous. I'm just going to let you know. It seems really dangerous, but I'm wondering if you think you can sneak past a really scary lady behind that employee's only door. Why? I think my parents are back there, but she won't. There's no reasoning with her. Yeah. So that was the one you were all talking to over there?

The one that didn't seem intimidated by Cordelia one bit? Yeah, that's her. I just... How about we try some other versions before we... I just don't know if it's the best. No, no, this is why I'm asking. This is why I'm asking. And I appreciate the asking. Sure, sure. I just want to be totally honest in response. No, yeah, you should be honest. I don't want to force you into anything. Seems dangerous. It's probably very dangerous. I heard my head already first. Now y'all have...

You haven't touched your breakfast one bit, have you? A halfling with white hair. walks over to you. He's really like, he's doing sort of the keep on trucking walk. He's dressed much nicer than the other brothers so far. Yeah, is this some sort of problem with the breakfast? No. Now, forgive me my manners, I haven't introduced myself. Senator Pepsi at your service. Is there some sort of problem with the breakfast?

I just haven't had a chance to enjoy it yet. You know, I prepared breakfast this morning all by myself. I slaved over a hot stove. You know, I tried the bacon myself, and it was pretty darn good. So thank you, Senator, for your efforts as a chef myself. I know how strenuous the stove can be. He goes to shake your hand, and I love to hear it, but I just seem to, you know, it just seems like y'all haven't eaten enough of your breakfast. Do you have any, um...

I'm looking for, I don't eat, I eat plants only. You only eat plants? Yeah. Now we got eggs on the plate, and as far as I can tell, an egg is a plant. Okay. What is an egg but a seed? And where do plants come from? Why, they come from seeds. Problem solved. Eat your eggs. I don't... Guys, I don't eat eggs. Never do I, to be honest. You don't eat eggs. It's a nasty thing for people like me to eat eggs. You know what? I understand. You are forgiven. Thank you very much.

His face is like beet red. He's like, I'm honestly embarrassed. I didn't. That's fine. I don't see when people are birds. That's fine. That's fine. And I am, of course. You are a bird, though, right? Yes, though I look in distance. Can't fly. Well, you know, neither can I, so...

I feel like I've stepped in it a bit. You know, you didn't eat the breakfast. That hurt my feelings. But I said the egg thing and that hurt your feelings. So I guess we're back to even. Well, great to meet you. So I just want to finish this conversation real quick with my friend. And I do apologize for it.

interjecting myself into the conversation. Of course. If you need me in the future, just give a big old Senator, where are you? And I'll come running wherever I am. Now, if you're a mile away, I'm not going to be able to hear it. But if you're within the delighted wife, chances are... You'll perk my little ear. Well, thank you, Mr. Pepsi. We appreciate it. You are.

Very welcome. Pepsi is my surname, so Mr. Pepsi will do. Although I prefer you call me Senator Pepsi. Well, of course, Senator Pepsi. We appreciate the country interest observation about our dining. And it is my pleasure to give it. our pleasure to receive it and then once again well then the two of us are pleased yes now that's what i call mutual pleasure um did somebody say mutual pleasure why yes it was me i don't believe

Make your acquaintance. Your name is Senator? My name is Senator Pepsi. Were you elected? No, I was not.

I've simply named after the senators of old. As you know, we no longer have an empire, so the senators are no longer elected. Senators? Yes. Do you have any non-animal food? Absolutely, if you count eggs. But we've been through this hullabaloo before. I don't want to embarrass myself a second time, so I will kindly take my leave. Bye, Senator. Well, and goodbye to you. He goes to shake your hand. As he does this, a...

Goblin, who is wearing heavy makeup to look like a halfling, walks by and goes, I don't believe you've had the pleasure to meet my brother, Bukkake Pepsi. Would you care to be introduced to my brother? I'm just going to say that I do not need to meet Bukaki. He is every bit a halfling, just as I am. Well, I'm a pleasure to meet you. Just wanted to finish this conversation with my friend. I'll be here. I love Bukaki. I'm a halfling.

Why would you say otherwise? I'm not a halfling. All right, I'm going to go get another cup of coffee. Nobody said you weren't a halfling bukkake. Yeah, I'm a halfling. Okay, it's nice to meet you. I eat poop. Okay, okay. Okay, I'm sorry there, Bukak. You know, he loves to kid around. He's got a bit of a sophomore sense of humor. Great. Well, sometimes I just wanted to finish this conversation with my friend. And I wanted to let you, but...

manners dictated that I introduce you to my brother, Bukkake Pepsi, who is my full brother. Oh, of course, this is a halfling from tide to ship. Now, that's an interesting phrase, the origin of which I would love to hear. However, there is no time. Bukagi and I have to... We're needed elsewhere. Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you both. Goodbye! Yeah, goodbye! He leaves.

Oh my god, I'm so tired. Albie, let's just enjoy the breakfast. We have to calm down. I get that you're trying to chase something, but our whole party is... How can we do anything dangerous without Mr. DeBonesby here? Why do you think I care about- Mr. DeBonesby when he doesn't care about any of us, including you, stir fry. As you say, DeBonesby, you hear from the top of the stairs a familiar voice say, The skeleton's got his clothes on! Everybody, a big round of applause for...

Mr. Skeleton! Yeah, Bonesby, like, takes to the top of the stairs, like, the family opera. Stand up, everybody! Stand up! Some people aren't standing. Why aren't you standing? Stir Fry is pouring his coffee, half of his coffee, into another cup of coffee, into an empty cup, and he's rushing up to the Bonesby. Here you go, sir. Well done, well done. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, it is another beautiful day. That guy's a skeleton! Show us your bones.

Oh, yeah, you're losing the crowd. They're getting weird. Hey, I want to see where the eyes are. How come there's no eyes in them sockets, eh? I want to see. Yeah, me kid wants to see eyes. Daddy, I want to see his penis. Let's go. Actually, I'm going to take you home. Daddy, what's a penis? No, you two, actually, I'm taking you two. I know what I saw, but what's a penis? You should know. You're like seven. I saw a penis once.

All right, goodbye! We're going! How convicting that is what the penis is! The door slams and this kid is dead. It's supposed to be his jaw just sort of quivers a little bit, just as I... Blessings of the Lord unto you all. Can you roll a charisma? Yeah, no problem. It's a two minus three. So it's a negative one. There's silence from the crowd. downstairs which is finally broken by fuck you bone man everybody turns and uh

They just stop paying attention to you and they go back to what they were doing. All right, DeBoseby keeps walking down the stairs. Bellow beckons to him over at his table with Pipsy. Bellow has dressed the knife in doll clothes. All right, where are you going with this? So you can do anything with a knife, I guess is my point. That's where you're going with this? Yeah. Fuck you. He walks away. Aren't you guys all sort of...

You sit with each other for a moment. You can hear sort of the din of other people's conversation in the inn. I'm trying to figure out some kind of plan, and I'm just sort of... Sticking my fork in the table and then pulling it out and sticking it in again. I come back in from outside and grab my coffee and sit and look sort of sad and confused. Albie, you hear a voice from the shadows sort of call to you. Hey, dear lady. Me? Yeah, dear lady. What do you mean, me? I don't know. Yeah, it's you.

Okay, yeah. I creep over. Okay, cool. In the shadow, you see a goblin wearing a jacket with a high collar. He has a cap on. He's like, really? He's in the shadows. You're looking for some fawns? Yeah, yes, I'm looking for fawns. Two fawns. Have you seen them? Might have. You're not going to make me punch you, are you? No. Okay. Please don't punch me. I don't want to. Or hurt me. Hurt anybody. Yeah. Um, do you know where they are? No. But you saw them? Yeah. How long ago?

A few days. A few days? Yeah. Were they with someone else? I can't say. It isn't safe here. Should I follow you somewhere? Oh, I had to think about that. No. No? Yeah, don't follow me. Well, what are we supposed to do? Right. There's a basement. Oh, yeah. Is it through the employee-only door? Yeah. Yeah. You gotta go down the basement. I do? Yeah.

But that lady, she punched Kratos in the nose. Did she tell you? She broke his nose? No, she doesn't punch an inch, does she? No. She's going to have to come out here somehow. Yeah, how do I do that? Well, get a bartender out into her old bar.

If we start a ruckus. He runs away on his, like, he just, like, starts running away like a dog. Come on! No, wait! No, wait! No, gotta go! Albie is shaking. She's... like so exasperated by this morning already she's she doesn't really know what to do she just knows she has to cause some kind of ruckus so she's looking around and then she gets up on a table

She climbs up on a table and she's just her throat is really dry and she's just looking around. I will fight anyone in here who thinks they can take me. What? Albie? Who wants some of this? Roll a charisma. 19. 19? Yeah. All right. You really get some attention, a lot of people. look over at you. Notably, you see a extremely like sleek and well-dressed woman. She turns her head over to you in a way that seems impossible. Oh my God. She looks at you with like pretty dead eyes.

And she sort of like struts right over to you very quickly. You see the old man from the bar stand up. You see his bugbear walk over with him. You also see there are three women, a half elf. a half-orc and a half-human at a bar, at a table. They all stand up and they sort of walk over towards you. The old man speaks first. What are you doing? Yeah, I'll be...

What's going on? I'm going to fight. I'm going to fight. I'm looking nervously at my friends, but trying not to show my my like uncertainty here. I'm I'm going to fight whoever thinks they can take me one. one unless you guys want to also fight each other and make like a big deal about it starting with my blue friend over there and I'm winking and pointing at bellow hoping that he takes the bait

Oh. Yeah, I'll kick your ass. Yeah, see if you can try. Albie's heart is racing right now. All right, go for it, yeah. See if you can try and maybe you guys also want to join in because this looks so fun. I jump off the table. I jump off the table and I grip Bella by the shoulders and my mouth is so dry.

Yeah, what do you do? Um, I whisper to him, I'm going to headbutt you right now, okay? That could hurt. I just wind back my head and go for it. Okay, you do a good job. You hit him and it looks like you hit him hard. Oof. Ow. Wow, this is amazing. Everyone should be doing this. The bugbear who's blindfolded just like lifts an enormous arm and just like punches straight to the side and hits the slender, well-dressed woman who like goes like...

And she lunges at the bugbear with her feet. She's, like, kicking at him. Okay, Bello pulls out his quarterstaff, and he's going to whack Albie with it. Critical family. Oh, geez. Not only do you not hit her, but you do hit the bugbear. He misses, and in taking the swing, he hits the half-orc sister, who she then grabs a bottle of, like, a cup of coffee and just, like, smashes it. And she starts swinging at him. You have successfully caused a bar fight. It's like...

sort of erupts into chaos. And as this happens, the door swings open and Moira, uh, storms actually, what the fuck is happening out here?

Carly. Allie. Tell me everything you know about Patreon. Everything I know about Patreon. Okay. It's an online platform. We're on it and we use it to... Give people cool stuff that you don't just get from listening to the podcast. What podcast? Rude Tales of Magic. That's what I want to hear. Yes. So we're on Patreon. If you become a patron.

other people who are listening. You're going to get all kinds of cool shit. This is a really great clubhouse and you want to be a part of it. That's true. Speaking of clubhouse, I mean, one of the perks that I think you get at every level of patronage is you get to join our Discord. which is how you say discord with an Irish accent. Discard. Oh, you gotta join the discard.

I think we're good, right? That's it? Yeah. Settled. That's the only thing you get. And also, do you get it at every level? I think so. What about the $1 people? $1 people don't. Turn us up! Every time we do a bad take, you have to turn us louder. The problem is we're not loud enough. I can still hear my own thoughts.

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It does smell like Mount Fuji. Your family and friends will thank you. What the fuck is happening out here? I, um, my eyes dart over to stir fry and I just sort of like make eyes at him. There's no, I'm not trying. I don't know what I'm trying to communicate. Where is, uh, where Cordelia and Frederick at this point? I'm still sitting in the booth, just holding my coffee, waiting for it to kick in, you know? Yeah, sitting at the booth and ready to leave, honestly. I grew tired of the...

schemes of children. And DeBonesby gets up and attempts to leave the bar entirely. As you do that, you are stopped dead in your tracks by an arrow. that goes right in front of where you are walking. Where you going, Bone Daddy? Bone Daddy's going outside, you old bitch. Whoa! Okay, she like backs up. Okay, thought we were having fun here. Well, I'm not. Well, that hurt my feelings. Well. Her half-human sister.

Who hurt my sister's feelings? I did. Well, then I'll kill you. And she pulls out a sword. I'm already dead, idiot. Yeah, I'll kill you a second time. All right, I'm going to down my coffee and be like, Mr. Fry, we're going. I'm looking back between DeBonesby and Albie and Cordelia. But going... Come on. Okay. Somebody is swinging from the chandeliers. One guy's throat has been slit and there's just like blood going everywhere. He's like, why is this happening? Pipsy Pepsi is...

He is like throwing knives. It's not clear where they're coming from. He's just throwing knives into the crowd. Die! Die! Die! Okay, stir fry. Get in there. I'm going to go distract Moira. And as stir fry is about to grow the room, he looks at it clearly and goes... Protect DeBonesby. Oh, goddammit. So I go back and follow DeBonesby. Cornelia, you have been tasked with protecting him. By the way, DeBonesby has...

Just had a sword, a full-on sword drawn on him. She lunges at you with the sword. She's going to take a swing. She misses, and she just whiffs it. I'm going to turn around and keep walking towards the door. Bones me! Over it. All right. I'm going to follow you out the door. Okay, great. Let's cut over to Albie and Stir Fry and Bello. We've made it to the doorway.

The entrance is on block. You're all in. You get in, you're in the employees only room. It is like a converted washroom. Like it is not, there's not a lot in here. There is a, there's a little day calendar. And you can tell two weeks from now, something is circled, but it's not clear what. But there's sort of like this world's equivalent of Farside, like, or sorry, it's like a monthly calendar, not a day calendar.

So, you know, Moira's got a bit of a phony bone. You can see there's like sort of a square indentation. in the floor where the floorboards are cut differently. I rolled a 19 for investigation. Well, then you can tell that that leads to a staircase that leads to what you got to assume is a basement or a cellar. Could be an attic. It's a basement. Let's go in, I guess.

Okay. This is a big cellar. It is about the same size space-wise as the bar itself. And you climb down and you were in the back of the bar. And so now if you just turn around, it's a bar's worth of space. It's very dark. There's a few torches in there lighting, but it's mostly barrels. Okay. There's some wooden poles supporting up above, but mostly barrels. I start knocking on the barrels. Cool.

And I'm pressing my ear against them and I'm listening for something. Yeah, different barrels are giving you different. Some of them it's like, oh, those are filled with grains. Some of them seem to be filled with ale. Some of them are empty, so it's just hollow. But you can tell that there's like different.

There's vegetables and different things are stored in these barrels. Albie, what are we looking for? We're looking for my parents or any trace of my parents. Bello just calls out, hello? You hear a scurrying. What was that? It's like loud scurrying, too. Hello? You hear more scurrying. It's getting closer. I might take out a pot.

Just to like bop a little thing on the head. More and more scurrying. It's getting closer and closer. It is getting louder and louder. It's getting impossibly loud. Do I have any sense of how big this thing is? You can tell it's pretty big. It's pretty resonant. It's not what I think it is, is it? I don't know what you think it is. It's not. Kevin, is it? You'll have to wait and find out. I start to clutch my fists and I get into a fighter stance. And I'm just holding my ground.

Cool. More and more scurrying. It's getting louder. When you say more and more scurrying, does it sound like more than one? It is one thing. It sounds to be one thing. It is just getting closer. It was coming from what seems like 60 feet away. Okay. What's the ground beneath us made of? Uh, like stone. Okay. I can't do anything to that. My kingdom for a lantern, eh, friend? Uh, Scurina gets louder and louder and louder.

And louder. You can tell it's right next to you. And then right out of an empty barrel pops a four foot eleven rat person. Pops right out of the top of the barrel like a Marx brother. He shouts. Hello! My name is Jerry Mentalgen and nothing in this world. Pisses me off near half as bad as when my diaper soiled. I wish that I was potty trained would be my fondest joy. To be finally a comfortable boy. Comfortable boy. To be finally a comfortable boy.

Uncomfortable boy. You guys applaud him? Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah, hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. Um. Whoa. What you doing? My name's Albie. Yeah? My name's Jerry Mentligin. You heard the song? It's a great song. Yeah? We're looking for two fawns. Okay. Moira sent us down here. Moira sent you down here? Yeah. Okay, so I know you're full of shit. Oh, yeah. Moira didn't send anybody nowhere down here. I know, yeah. There's like a bit of a scuffle. No, it's... I'm a big rat.

What lives in Ocella? She don't want anybody knowing about that. Yeah, fair. What do you want? I'm looking for my parents. Okay. I guess we just want to know if you've known any forms that have come through in the past few weeks or so. So you want information? Yes, that's the word, information.

Oh, well, you came to the right place. Oh, that's fantastic. Oh, good. I know everything that happens in the delighted wife. Oh, fantastic. Maybe this information that we seek is one that you possess. Did Moira really punch Cretus in the nose? Yeah, she broke his nose. Oh, my gosh. Because I corroborated multiple times. Do you want to know why? Because he was being an asshole? Yeah, he was being an asshole. Wait, what does that mean, though? He had a way about him. Okay, so...

He was wrong. I turned to my friends and was like, so he probably was just acting with the sort of carriage of a really... Right. Yeah, right. What's more important right now, Kretis or your parents? You're right.

So my parents, Alfred and Beatrix. Oh, I already answered your question. You asked about Cretus. That was my only question? Everybody gets one for free. Oh, I'll ask a question. No, no, no. Every group gets one for free. No, you just said every person gets one for free. Okay, well, now I'm taking it back. What are you going to do? Do you want a diaper? I have a diaper. He climbs out of the barrel. He's wearing a diaper. Oh, the song made me think... You heard the song? Yeah, I thought...

The song's not that I want to die, but the song's that I want to be potty trained. Oh. Do you want to be potty trained? Who's offering? I am, dude. You want to do this? Yeah. You want to potty train me? Hell yeah. It's a commitment.

We don't tackle this in one afternoon. Well, let me ask you. I don't have my own equipment. You got a potty? You don't have your own equipment? No, I don't have my own equipment. How do you think potty training works? Because I don't know. Bella, can you come here? Yeah, yeah.

I don't think we can potty train this guy. I'm sorry. I'm the only one trying to help. You're the one that got distracted with a Cretus question. Hey, look, I love this guy. This guy offered to potty train me. Now, look, he didn't follow through. I get it, though. Hey, it's...

You know, if we had a party, I would. But do you think you could maybe do me a favor? Do you need to hear the song again? Yeah. You do? I'd love to hear the song again. The first time anyone has ever wanted to. Yeah, here we go. My name is Jerry Mentalgen and nothing in this world pisses me off near half as bad as when my diaper's soiled. I wish that I was potty trained. It would be my fondest joy to be finally a comfortable boy. Comfortable boy. To be finally a comfortable boy.

Oh, boy. Poop of wonder. Poop of shit. Get the fuck out of here. Make the bird go away. Right, I'm sorry, I wanted to play along, but my apologies. And sir, if you want to be potty trained, let me give you this little rhyme. No, I can tell we're the same.

You and I? Yeah, we're about the same height. Yeah. You're a weird little animal. I'm a weird little animal. Yeah. People think they're better than you, don't they? They do think they're better than me. But they're not better than you, are they? Well, sometimes they are, but often not. Well, they're not better than me. Everyone thinks just because I go pee and poop in a diaper.

I don't know how to manage it. I don't think that. I don't think that's wrong. In fact, the fact that you are trying to change it means it's good. Because if you want to be better, that means you are better. How would I get any better? Nobody ever showed me. It's not my fault. Let Bella show you how. Have you heard of... Natura? Of course I've heard of Natura. Well, so if you wanted, you could just... I worship Polaris. Whoa. Hail Polaris. Hail Polaris. Hail Polaris. I wish I could.

But every day I hail Natura by accident. Look, if you want information, I can give you information, but it's going to cost you. Okay, what is it going to cost? Ten gold piece. Great, we can do that. Avoid. A word? Avoid? Avoid. How many woids is the answer? Oh, I stretch it out. Well, you know, such a shame. Because Bellow had such a good idea to...

teach you how to be potty trained. Yeah, you couldn't put a price on that. I guess we can't really afford that now. No, you can't put a price on that. You can't afford it. If you can potty train me. Look, I'll help you. I'll give you anything you want. Let's potty train him. Let's potty train him. We'll do it. You ready to commit to potty trading me? Yes. Okay. Here we go. Roll for potty train. Where's my 20 go? What's the... The modifier? Wisdom.

16. 8. 17. All right, we're going to jump forward three hours. Can I just say that? Forget what we said before. Think about aiming. Don't not think about aiming. I think thinking about aiming might get us in the right direction. I'm trying to think about aiming, but when I think about aiming, I think about thinking about aiming. I don't think you should give up on sitting down where you plan on going. I'm not sitting down. I thought we were...

Standing up like a big boy. I thought we agreed squatting. I thought we ruled off sitting down, but now we're back on sitting down. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't actually use the toilet. Guys, can I be real with you for a second? Oh, now we're being real? Yeah, yeah. Here, let me tell you a trick. When... When it's number one for me, I stand. But when it's number two, hey, I sit just like everybody else. Look, we ain't fixing this today.

I don't think we are. I don't think we're doing it. What about my parents? Did that register at all with you? Does that resonate? One, two, I'm getting lost in these numbers, man. I'm lost in the weeds here. If you have to piss, you stand. If you have to shit, you sit.

Yeah, now, but two weeks from now, I'm not going to remember that. Can we just make it simple? You can squat for both. I squat for both. Simple for you. Well, you have different equipment. You got one hole. Oh, I'm different? You think I'm different from everyone else? You think I'm different than you? I'm not different from everyone else. I'm just like everyone else.

And everyone's going to like that. I'm just like... Stir fry, it's okay. Stir fry, maybe take five. No, Jerry puts a hand on your shoulder. Hey, I get it. You get it. I like the Deluxe. I get it. There's people like me here. You're no worse than anybody else. Exactly. Just because I go use a diaper and just because you have a really bad personality. We're no worse than anybody else. Hmm.

I pull Bello aside. We're exactly where we were three hours ago and I've seen this guy shit three times. I just think if you... If you would let me make the charts, I think he's a visual learner, maybe. I think we've got to figure out another way to get this information from him, or we just have to keep going. You guys are trying to sail a ship that's been sunk.

I really do believe you can get there. But in the meantime, do you think you could answer one more question for us? I'd say you guys are putting the work for one more question. Meanwhile...

Bellow is covered in shit. Anyways, have you seen two fawns here lately, and do you know where they are? That's a pretty good question. But you guys help me out. I want to help you out. I could give you a better question to ask me. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's say maybe I had seen a fawn, right? Maybe two fawns come in here. Yeah. Maybe I know who brought him in.

Okay. Maybe you ask me who brought them in, right? Hey, Jerry? Jerry Mentalgen. Jerry Mentalgen? My name is Jerry Mentalgen. Oh, I thought it was like a first name, last name. Who brought them in? Little guy in town by the name of... Scrum Fabulous. Scrum Fabulous? That's all I can say. Thank you. And if anybody asks you where you found this out, what are you going to say? in the bathroom.

Don't say that. A lot of people have bathroom and me associated in their brain. That's going to get me. You're putting a target on my head. You've got to promise me you're not going to say in the bathroom. I was saying that you would never be in the bathroom because you don't know how to use the bathroom.

Tell him that Senator told us. Senator? Yeah. Senator's a good guy. I don't want to hurt Senator. Okay, Moira. Moira's a good guy, too. I don't want to hurt Moira. Who don't you like? What about Virtue? Virtue? Now there's one. I've always suspected something's up with Voichu. Oh, interesting. Not as good as he seems, right? No, no, no. But you want me to get Voichu killed? Are you saying that whoever...

That if they find out... We'll just say we learned it in an anonymous letter. Oh, that's good. I can't write. You'll never see that coming. Okay, great. That's what we'll say. Thank you. What's up, Bird? You want to talk? What was his name again? Who? Me? Scrum? Scrum Fabulous. Your friends wrote it down. My friends? You guys? We wrote it down.

I got my head turned around about this whole friendship thing. Let's go. Okay. One more thing. Thank you. Hey, you're going to get there. I don't know if I am. I do. We're going to sing a new song the next time we see you. What song? Do-do go in toilet and so do little pee-pee and you will be the one who put both in it. The toilet. Sing it for me one more time. It's music to my ears.

Do do go and turn it and also so do peepee and you will be the one to pour both in it. I want to sing it with you this time. One, two. Three. Let's go. I'll never forget that song. That song.

That beautiful song. Hey, kid. I toss a potato. It hits him. Why'd you throw a potato at me? Go away. Eat it and poop it out. Eat it and poop it out. It makes sense. You eat it and you poop it out. You eat it and you poop it out. Get the fuck out of my cellar. Fuck you. Fuck you. I get it. It's weird that you did that. Okay, well, I would love if you guys left my cell at home. I'm already running out of the stairs. We're going to leave, but as we leave, could I just hear that song one more time?

to go and tell it and yes of course though PP and you'll be the one to put both in it. As you walk up you hear a sad Sort of melancholy voice singing. Close the door behind you.

Mosby! Wait up, wait up, wait up. Yes, Cordelia. Can I ask you a question? Please. Do you see that kid? Which kid? That's one of the kids that left with his dad. He walked out the door and died. Oh! So, those coins on his eyes. Hmm. That's me. Oh, that's kind of you. Oh, well... Sort of a token for the ferryman, sort of religious thing. Okay. So it's actually sort of... There's this guy. He...

He gives me powers. Time freezes to Bonesby's neck. His head just like spins around on his head because it can do this because he's a skeleton. And as it comes to a rest, it's like Cheddar's expression is on the Bonesby. What you doing? What are you doing? This is weird. This is a weird strategy. What's up? What are you talking about me? I... My ears were boiling. Yeah, apparently. Not anymore or not. I don't got no ears.

Look at me! Boom, boom, and he's going to be crazy. Hey, come on. That's his body. That's my body right now. No, it's rude. That's a rude guy. You? Yeah. Oh. I wasn't polite earlier. You were a little bit late when I started talking about you. I didn't think you were coming. I didn't know if you were doing it. I was like a little test. I was like, is she going to do it? Excuse me? I was like, is she going to do it? She did it. Yeah. I was aghast.

I'm still aghast! Look... Whatcha doing? Come on! I'm not sure you even have a restaurant. What?! I've never seen any evidence of it, and I'm starting to think I'm just... Putting coins on people's eyes. Don't you make bubbles come out of your hands or something? What did you say? Don't you make bubbles come out of your hands or something? Hell yeah, I do. Okay, were you doing that a week ago? No, it's not that I don't have evidence that you are...

granting me hellish powers. You think I'm not starting a restaurant? I don't know. You don't know. Look at your hand. That's a cheeseburger. My hair? Whoops. I didn't mean for it to go there, but yeah, I got your hair. I'm so sorry. Pick a bite. Pretty good, right? I really should have asked what the meat was before I... ate a bite of that. Oh, what kind of meat? Do you have, like, dietary restrictions? Well, I just, I don't know. It seems bad. Uh, yeah, that was...

That was somebody who committed the sin of avarice in life. Oh. That's a fella. Okay. Okay, don't have a problem with that. What would have made you spit it out? No, I just don't know what that is. Avarice? Yeah. That's like...

Well, fuck, I don't know what it is. I don't have to know. What's Everest? I'm not Catholic. Okay. Greed. Greed? But there's also one that's greed. This has never sat right with me. We don't have to solve it here, though. Okay. Okay. But that's a burger from my restaurant. Okay. I work hard at this restaurant! You don't think it's a real restaurant? Look, Cheddar, I'm just... I'm feeling a little bit...

sad and confused. Okay. I don't want you to be sad. Look, here's the thing. This world is really intense and traumatic sometimes. Yeah. It's a brutal one, right? There's a bad one up there. Honestly, hell's not so bad. Really? To me. I'm a demon. You'd probably hate it. Oh, okay. No, that's fine. I've got to think about who's my audience here. You know, read the room, Jenna. Like, this kid walked out of this bar, and then he just died. Yeah, he just died.

And you put coins on his eyes. Do you want to know where he is right now? Yeah. Okay, I'll give you a little vision. You see this kid eating, just like in your mind's eye, you see this kid eating happily in a diner that seems to exist outside of time. Cordelia wouldn't recognize... the decor of this diner whatsoever, but you, Allie the Player, would recognize it as like, this is a very mid-century...

sort of like there's like stone walls but like a lot of windows and like googie architecture style like this is a diner this kid is eating at a diner happily with his brother or with his brother and father And you're back. Oh. Oh, you don't like that? You don't like that fine family-style dining? Look, everybody's got to die, and then when they die, you're going to have an unforgettable meal. Cheddar. What? I love it.

Oh, God, you love it. It's good, right? Tell your friends. What a cool. I mean, I don't have to. Yeah, I'll just put some coins in there. Tell your living friends. It's like, you know, you have to wait. Did you design that? Did you decorate? Yeah, I dabble. What a lovely space. Thank you so much. Everybody looked happy. Yeah, I'm having a good time. I work hard at my restaurant. I'm a restaurateur. Is it the meats of the sinners? Are they eating their own?

Meat? I don't fucking. Okay. It's hell. What? It's hell. Everybody's eating each other. Okay. It's good. If you only eat one guy when you're in hell and only get eaten by one guy, you're having a good day in hell. Oh. Okay. Those kids went to hell!

But they seem to be happy. You don't want to know why. I don't think I do. It's not going to be funny. It's going to be bad. Yeah. Let's actually get away from that whole thing. Sure. Yeah. You'll do what we want. So don't stop. What are you telling people about me for? Okay. I'm sorry. I had a moment of crisis. And also, I don't know how to control any.

of this magic or what it does. Okay, I know what I'll do. I'll give you more magic. Okay. I'm not a big control guy, but I'm bigger. I can just amp it up. I mean, I'll take it. You want a little more magic? Are you going to tell me how to use it this time? Oh, you figure it out. I don't fucking know how to use it. Fine. Yeah, of course I'll take it. Yeah, sure. Here you go.

Yeah, it hurts. Don't feel good. No. Okay, you got a lot more magic. You can do more magic now. Okay. Is that good? You want something else? Yes. You do? Well, I don't know you offered, so I'm just assuming there's something else that I can have. You gotta not do this. Okay. You want a little buddy? Well, I have Albie. Okay. You want a weapon? Do you want a book of spells? Do a little cat? What do you want? A cat? Yeah, you want a little cat? I don't know, kind of. Okay.

If you don't want it, you don't have to have it. Well, I don't know. Is it just it's a cat that's going to then follow me around? Yeah, like a hellcat. A hellcat? Yeah, well, check out this little guy. A little imp pops into view in front of you. Oh, that's okay. Nope. Hold on! One second! Okay, I got... Watch this. Watch what I do to this guy. Look at that. Oh! Can't talk no more. Oh.

I feel like I would always know that this person was trying to talk. You want a different one? Yeah. Okay, that guy disappears and a new imp shows up. This one could never talk. Are they all going to be imps or are there going to be other options? Well, he starts as an imp, but then he can look at different things.

Oh. So he starts with it, but this one, he can never talk because something bad happened to him, I guess. Oh, no. Look, none of these are going to be not like that. I'm from hell. Okay, good point. Let's get one that can talk. You want one that can talk? Yes. You want the first one or you want a different one? Let's roll the dice and go a different one. Okay. That one pops away in a new one.

shows up i've always relied on the kindness of strangers done yes hello hi how do you do i'm i don't honestly i'm doing okay yeah yeah okay Would you like a friend? Okay, it seems like you guys are hitting it off. So this little imp, so this imp's going to be an animal, because if people see an imp, they go, fucking ape shit. Yeah. What animal do you want it to be? Good question. I got boy goes to serve. Keep in mind. Okay, okay, okay. I don't have all day. You want me to narrow it down for you?

Yeah. It's like suddenly you're in like a game show reality. You're completely overwhelmed. We have three doors here. Everybody in this world looks like there's like a studio audience. There is a host. The host is the Bonesby, but he's now dressed in, like, game show.

He has like a teal suit on. Great. Okay, we got three doors ahead of us here. Which doors are going to be? There's going to be door number one. There's like a Bonesby, like a Vanna White person who's like surveying door number one. Door number one is sort of a colonial. looking door. It's a white door.

Oh, that door's pretty good. Oh, is it going to be door number two? And it's like a hellish gate with, like, fire behind it. It's like, oh, look at that. What do we think of this one? Or is it going to be door number three? Which is like a beaded curtain. Ooh. I'm just assuming the first door is a horse. That's what happens when you assume is you fuck up. Okay.

Fair enough. What's it going to be? Okay, I think I'm going to go for... Oh, let's check in with the studio audience. What do they say? Number two. Number two. Number one. Number three. Number one. The studio audience is no help whatsoever. What's it going to be? Number four. He zips all their mouths closed. There's definitely a horse yelling door number one. Yeah, there's definitely a horse yelling door number one. Okay, I want door number two. Okay. The hellish one. Here it comes!

The oldest cat you've ever seen comes crawling out of door number two. It coughs up dust. Perfect. And looks up at you and says, I've always relied on the kindness of strangers. Okay, I'm going to walk over to the cat and put my hand out so it can smell it. Yeah, the cat smells it and says, I have the same amount of intelligence as you.

Then in that case, it's a pleasure to meet you. Do you already have a name or shall I name you? Why, I have a name, but I'd love to hear what you come up with for me. Oh, um, I suppose I could call you Cordelia. I'll call you Cordelia Jr., but I'll call you Junior. You're going to call me Junior? Mm-hmm. Well, suit yourself. And as he says, the entire game show reality fades away and you are back.

In front. It is now, you have the old, this is an old black and white cat. Sort of like a tuxedo cat, but it's very old. Yeah, a little tuxedo. He has like a little white bow tie in his fur. And you are standing... Again with DeBonesby, who is now himself. I have this cat. Oh, that's nice. I just picked it up from the ground. Okay. Anyway. What was your question? About this dead child. Let's actually walk away from this. Fair enough. I don't know why that song got stuck in my head.

I think I'm getting tired of schemes that don't consult me. Bar fights and such and random errands to visit families that involve confronting and... possibly monstrous demons that might rip us apart on touch. I think I'm going to leave. Where would you go? I don't know. Go where I feel like I might be.

I might try to find my way back to my familial home and see what's going on there. I have some other friends among the upper echelons. I might call to see if they're still alive in this alternate universe that we seem to be... engaged in but um you know i'm 92 years old and i don't need to be um dealing with these various issues where someone has to start a bar fight to get a clue or

And I've already made my point about the demon. Or dealing with, you know, that elf family or that vampire that you seem to have a relationship with. I'm rather tired of all of it, you see. I have greater ambitions. Hmm. So I'm going to go walk down this road a while. Okay. Maybe I'll steal a horse. Oh. Ugh, horses. Um, the thing is, stir fry.

He'll find me. But I told him that I would protect you. Oh. So I'm just going to walk with you. All right. You seem chill. Thanks. You're welcome. I'm holding this cat. I'm so glad you found it. It looks like he's wearing a tuxedo. Doesn't it? Hey, what? You're going the wrong way. Uh-oh. Oh. Just tell him you already ate. No, I'm not.

You are. I know. I know where the inn is. Just keep walking. Please. Please come back. Strong. What? What will happen to you if we don't finish breakfast? They'll kill me. Are you serious? Yeah, Moira will kill me. Do you think she really will? There used to be 20 Pepsi brothers. Oh. Great, we keep walking. Okay.

He's still following. He's staying about 20 feet behind you. That's fine. All the time. He's just walking in the middle of the street. Perfectly reasonable. It's kind of a little warm. I can't tell. Oh, it is a little warm. I believe you. I don't have nerves. That's fair, yeah. I sometimes have an approximation about what it's like to feel. Oh, yeah? Yes.

Is it because you're monitoring clues from people around you? No, it's just a feeling that comes sometimes. Sometimes, I swear, I even feel what it's like to have lips across my teeth. I ship it. Weird. I don't. Or a tongue or even eyeballs. Oh. Though I haven't had my eyeballs in quite some time. Do you know if...

Do you see the same as you used to, or is it hard to tell? No, it's definitely different, although it still relies on input from light reflecting off of surfaces. But again, I do not have a nervous system. It doesn't interact the same way. Interesting. It's all very magical and mysterious. I wish I had the same level of magical knowledge and powers that I once did, and I would understand it better. But you see, part of the transformation that made me this way stripped me of those powers.

Do you have any recommendations for, like, Magic 101 books? Or do you have any that... Oh, yes, absolutely. I suggest... If you just come back and take a nibble... You can spit it right back out. They won't kill me. But we're already so far this way. We should just be three or four minutes back. And you can come back. I'll even come bring the food to you. And then I don't have to die.

Why don't you go get the food now? Yeah. You gonna run away? No, we're walking at a very leisurely pace, and we've decided not to steal the first horse we saw. Okay. He runs off. Anyway, I recommend Magic 101. Really? That's the name. Oh, funny. Cool. I wonder if they have a library in this town. Do you think it's in a standard library or no?

It's Magic 101. It's not a big deal. It's not forbidden or anything. I know, but I've been through some towns that don't have libraries. Yeah, yes. Where most of the books are owned by private. Homes. Sure, yes. I suppose that most of my knowledge came from a private library for my own family. Is it big? It was. Is it not any longer? It was burned down. Oh. Yes. Local townsfolk determined that I was a monster worthy of scorn and burning down. So in an attempt to kill me...

They burned down my castle and I only escaped with stir fry. I made my way to the university to resume my studies of magical knowledge so that I may grow in power once again and reclaim my home and take my revenge. Oh. As you look up, you see you face a blockade in the city street. It is the city guard. stands before you. They're a pretty rough bunch. It's a mix of humans and half orcs and some appear to be straight up full orcs. They all have sort of these matching caps that say CG on them.

One of the G's is backwards. They all stand before you in the street, and one of the orcs looks at you. Where you going? We're just walking down this road. Yeah, this road's closed. All right. Is there a different one? What, a different main street? Any. This is the main street. Alright. Where are you trying to go? Away. Away from what? The inn, I suppose. Why, did something happen at the inn?

I got bored with it. You got bored at the inn? Yes. Boys. All the boys all sort of like lean in, all the city guards. This one looks like the one we were looking for, doesn't it? Oh, no. I turned to Cordelia and I was just like, uh-oh. Oh, he looks a bit. Yeah, but he don't look exactly like him, right? Yeah, but he fits the description. He's got less skin. Oh, sure. The other guy had skin in...

Oh, that's clearly not him, then. See, I run into this all the time. People just simply think that I'm a skinny man. You're a skinny man, aren't you? No, I'm a skeleton man. You're a skeleton. Yeah, well, you know what I'll think?

I think he used to be the guy that we're looking for. Yeah, this is the guy we're looking for, all right. It looks like his outfit. If you look at his outfit, quite similar to the outfit of the person we're looking for. And I think it goes a little deeper than Skinner. I think he's got a vibe about him. He has the vibe. the vibe of the guy we book this guy then we're off the hook you know yeah all right you're coming with us

He's not going to come with you. No, we're not going to do that. You're going to come with us. No. No, actually, we're looking for a library. Is there a library in town? I've got a library. It's got five books in it. One. Two, three, four, five. That's your fist. That's my fist. Pull together. Punch her in the face and chicken chicken. Oh, bro. Oh.

No, I'm talking about a library building that has books in it, like normal books. All right, come here. He's going to grab the Bonesby by the arm. No! Come on with us. No! Stop! We stop. Stop doing that. No, we're not going to stop. You come with us too. The big orc, the biggest orc that there is grabs you by the shoulders. Yeah. Yeah, I gotcha. Lucky for you, we've got a very well-developed prison library. I'd like to cast charm person on the one who's grabbed me. Yo. He does beat it.

That's a full-on 19. He knows I just tried to do that and he gets mad about it. Oh, yeah. What the fuck are you trying to do? You trying to charm me? Yeah. Nobody charms me except me wife who keeps me laughing all night long. I'm the delighted husband indeed. Yeah, that's me. I'm the delighted husband. Yeah, your wife charms me too. Yeah, she does. She's good company.

as she is. Yeah, she sure is. Every one of us loves me wife. I think she's lovely. You tried to charm me. Yes, I did. You know that's against the law, don't you? No, I'm not aware of your laws. Yeah, it's the law we just wrote. Street justice is what that is. Come with us.

I tried to be diplomatic. He grabs you by the iron. They're pulling you down the street. Well, now I'm going to cast Burning Hands. Yeah, go for it. Yeah, we're going to get aggressive. Because I have to make this shape with my hands where I make like a bird. With my thumb touching, I'm just trying to aim it at him. It makes a 15-foot cone. Oh, that's a huge thing. Then I'm trying to spray a fire around to get him off of me. Cool, yeah.

Okay, that's going to be about 10 guys, including a horse. And that's not going to include you, right? So there's going to be about 10 of them. I'd say, where's Cordelia? Where are you standing in relation to... I mean, we were right next to each other. You're going to have to roll this, too. Yeah. All right. Here we go. Here come ten. All right. Well, everybody who passed takes seven damage from the flame, and everybody who fails... Takes 14.

And they catch on fire. I'm going to have the five guys who didn't pass that. They're the ones who get hit by it. That includes the horse, though. You've just set four guys and a horse on fire, and you've started burning a building on the side of the street. They all shriek. The horse, which is on fire, starts running. It charges forward, pushing two of the guys over. It's also going to push you. I'm going to have you roll a dex saving throw. 15.

You get it. You just narrowly... You're pushed by the horse, but not knocked over. It does push one of the guys over and tramples him. Okay, so I've seen Bellow try and produce water, which I don't... know how to do, but I don't know that. So I'm going to accidentally cast Arms of Hatter, where I invoke the power of Hatter, the Dark Hunger. Jesus Christ. Tendrils of dark energy erupt from me and batter all creatures within 10 feet of you.

Well, how much damage do they do? Because one guy passed that. Eight. The entire city guard. Okay. They do eight damage? Eight damage. Cool. Okay. I'm sorry, man. Too late. He's dead. Fuck. He's... dead of necrotic damage, you see his body turn, like, it just, like, rots from the inside out really quickly while he burns. Oh, man. Shit. I'm so... That was not water. Wow. We really need to get you to a library. You laugh and laugh at that episode-ending joke.

It's a real good one, and you're having a blast laughing at that. The camera slowly pans up into the night sky, and we see the full moon, and then what's this? The camera zips right back down. What the fuck is this? There's like 12 more cops out here. Motherfuckers, you're surrounded. Yes, quite the rude tale indeed. That was Ali Fisher as Cordelia, Carly Monardo as Albie, Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonesby, Tim Platt as Stir Fry.

Joe Lepore as Bellow, and Branson Reese as everything and everyone else. Rude Tales of Magic is produced by Taylor Moore at Fortunate Horse. He sounds nice. See you next time, weary traveler, when you most desire even more. Rune tables of magic. In the early 21st century, magic reawakened on Earth, and alongside it a new human race with orcs, elves, trolls, dwarves, and others. Humanity became metahumanity.

As technology proliferated and greatly advanced in the awakened world, global megacorporations seized ever more power, becoming de facto states with their own laws, courts and armed forces. The corporations attempt to control all aspects of modern life. This has led to a vast and complex criminal underground which works for and against corporate interests. The independent career criminals who do what others can't or won't are called Shadowrunners. The year is 2101. Welcome to Fun City.

Fun City, which takes place in a post-climate disaster in New York City in the year 2101. In our game, a group of friends who live on a boat do their best to get by in the magical... technologically advanced corporate controlled future. We accompany them as they cast spells, hack computer systems, get into and hopefully out of all kinds of trouble.

It is subconscious mind pushes you away. Doesn't even know how much just sort of hits you with like the levitation spell. Sheezy is a perfect opportunity to do what she calls a clam flip. So she jumps in the air, does a tuck, and she really sits on him. She goes, oh, when she lands. Do not ask where the money comes from, my friend. Because let me tell you something. Anybody with this much money.

We don't get it in nice ways. You know what I mean? Typhine casts concealment on the boat. We got two drinks. We got juice boxes and, of course, milk. Got anything funny in that arm? TK pops it open and pulls out a pair of socks. TK unrolls them and stretches them a little bit and doesn't break eye contact. Wherever they are paying you, it's not worth it. You can find Fun City wherever you listen to podcasts and on Twitter at Fun City Ventures.

Artemis, what's the population of New York City? The current population of Manhattan is estimated at 2.2 million, but the corporate arcologies keep their population data private. The outer boroughs have not participated in an officially recognized census since... Okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Doom and gloom apocalypse archipelago. I get it. So anyways, I trained her to everyone's voice. Doom and gloom archipelago from your Spotify. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends! Head gum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. Yeah. We talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes. We are professional friends. We are professional friends.

Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.