5 Things to Do When Your Boss is Upset You Negotiated

(00:01):
Welcome to Negotiate Your Career Growth. I'm Jamie Lee, and I teach you how to blend the best of negotiation strategies with feminist coaching so you get promoted and better paid without burning bridges or burning out in the process. Let's get started.

(00:15):
I'm really stoked that some of y'all are listening to this podcast and starting to take action. I know because you tell me and I love it. For you as a professional, you take pride in doing your job well. You've always been conscientious about doing a good job, and maybe that's since your school days, you were always like, I wanna get an A, I wanna do well. And now that you are in the middle of your career, maybe you've been promoted once or twice without you even asking for it because you put out high quality work or maybe you got promoted when you changed jobs, which is fairly normal. And now your real life realizing you want to take more control over the growth and over the direction of your career. Because when you have more control, more agency, more voice, you also have more agency, more control over your own personal life.

(01:17):
So perhaps you have never advocated or negotiated for your own promotion, pay raise, career opportunities, but now you are starting to because you're realizing, yeah, it feels uncomfortable. Yeah, it's awkward, but that's not a sign you're doing it wrong. It's a sign you're starting to build new muscles for self-advocacy. Now, speaking of muscles, just the other week I took a strength training class at my local gym and hear me out, this is relevant. There were dumbbells, kettlebells, basically lifting heavy things mixed with pushups and pullups. Usually I only do some very light, low impact exercises like yoga, swimming, walking, and I do jog sometimes. And it's kind of funny because I like to go really slow. I don't enjoy running fast <laugh>, I like to jog slow enough, but just enough to feel the breeze in my face. I love that. And my boyfriends, they laugh at me.

(02:28):
They're like, how could you be running or jogging so slow? I'm like, it's my pace. Then the other week I challenged myself to do something out of my wheelhouse. I challenged myself to go to this weightlifting strength class. You know, some of you challenge yourself to build new self-advocacy muscles. And I challenged myself to build my triceps <laugh>. And in the middle of that class I was feeling good. I'm like, yeah, this is fun. I should do more of this. This is challenging. It's different. I enjoy it. But the next morning I woke up and I was so stiff all over the place in so much pain all over my body, especially my upper body because I don't have a lot of upper body strength right now. And that was because I had worked muscles. I didn't even know I have <laugh>. And that post-workout pain is similar to post advocacy jitters.

(03:37):
You know what I'm talking about? Post advocacy jitters is when you experience some nervousness, some doubt, some tension, some anxiety after you stretched muscles you didn't even know you had after you asked for what you want. Post advocacy jitters is normal. It's part of the process. It's also like when your muscles shake and they, and they, they like tremble when you hold a difficult yoga pose. I think post advocacy jitters is like that. It's not a sign you did it wrong. It's a sign you're making an effort. It's a sign. You stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone. It's not a sign that you should stop. It's a sign that you can perhaps take a pause, reassess, make tweaks as needed and keep going. Too often when we feel these jittery emotions like nervousness, tension, anxiety, doubt, or like, oh, it must mean I'm doing it wrong.

(04:45):
It must mean I'm not good enough. But no, it could also just be a sign. You're on the right track, right? I had some post-workout pain. That's not a sign I should stop. It's a sign like, yeah, you need to do more of it. Sometimes post advocacy jitters is intensified when you ask for what you want and your boss looks unhappy or gets upset. This happened. It has happened to me earlier in my career. It has happened to some of my clients and it has happened to some of you listening and some of you starting to advocate for yourself. So today I wanna talk to you about the five steps that you can take so you know what you can do and what you can say in these situations because you want to continue the working relationship, right? I'm assuming it's not your intention to make demands and then quit and then storm out the door if people are with you. No, you want to continue the negotiation process because negotiating for your career growth is not a once and done conversation, right? Negotiating isn't just like, well, I'm asking for this, and then they respond in one way or another and you're like, okay, well that fails. So I stop. No negotiating for your career growth is an ongoing process. And if you want to learn more about the key steps in this ongoing process, please do check out my earlier podcast episodes, especially episode 2, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 21.

(06:44):
So sometimes when you're starting out with a new exercise, whether it's lifting weights like it was for me, or advocating for your career growth at work, it's only natural that your moves are, how do I say this? At least in the beginning, just a bit rougher on the edges, right? My, my kettlebell moves were not what they could be, I was just starting out. And you don't make the same kind of moves that an expert with years of experience would make. So sometimes it does happen that what you say just doesn't land the way you hope, ju it just doesn't land the way you expected it to land. So if your boss is less than happy, if they look upset or they say things that upset you, here are five steps that I want you to consider. The steps are, number one, establish the facts of the situation, the specifics of your conversation, and also you know the whole situation, facts of the situation.

(07:52):
And separate from your thoughts, your opinions, your doubts, your worries, your anxieties. And then step two, think about who decides what and why. So some people like to consider this stakeholder mapping, I guess in this very specific situation, you would also consider decision maker mapping. And then number three, consider the invisible context so that you can place your own perceptions, your own reactions, your own emotions in perspective. Number four, call out the elephant in the room or clear the air by having a frank and honest discussion so that you can diffuse anger, tension or confusion that you may have unintentionally contributed to creating. And then finally, you want to offer solutions. At the end of the day, negotiation is a series of conversations to arrive at an agreement. So sometimes you just need to offer some ideas, some suggestions to move the conversation forward. This is also just a really smart and strategic way to manage up.

(09:08):
To illustrate these points, I want to give you the tale of two bosses, two bosses, Sam and Pat. Yes, I have intentionally thought of gender neutral names for these two bosses, <laugh>. Um, so let's go with Sam first. Let's say you report to Sam, who is senior director at this organization. You have ambitions to get promoted to director. And in a previous performance review with Sam, you and Sam both agreed that one of the areas for improvement in your professional development is developing skills for front of the room leadership or presenting and facilitating discussions with clients and stakeholders. And you and Sam collaborate on this recurring client presentations. You've been handling the bulk of the prep work, you know, the data analytics, the visualization, uh, the prep work that goes into the presentations. And at the end of the most recent client presentation, you've decided you're gonna advocate for what you want.

(10:23):
You're gonna advocate for more opportunities to be in the front of the room. So you approach Sam and tell Sam, you know, I like to take on more of the facilitation next time so that I can work towards my professional development goals. And you are expecting Sam to say, yeah, of course. I'm so glad, I'm so glad that you brought this up. Let's make sure you're supported and I'll see who else can take on some of this prep work so you can start doing more of the facilitation. Because yes, you and I have agreed this is what you need to work on, but no, this is not what actually happens. You're taken by surprise when Sam gets upset and says, well, who's gonna do the prep work? Now how could you do this to me? How could you be so selfish? Something like this has happened to my clients.

(11:20):
So let's work through the five steps. Number one, establish the facts. The facts are that you have done the work you were asked to do and you went above and beyond by taking on more of this prep work. You didn't say you were gonna stop doing the prep work. You asked for something that you wanted. You asked for something that both you and Sam had previously agreed you need to work on. And the fact is that Sam had opinions about what you asked for. And we can observe that. You know, when Sam said, well, how could you do this to me that Sam was taking it rather personally? So let's notice that and let's move on to step number two. Think about who decides what. In this situation with Sam, you and Sam had both decided that you, that it would be advantageous not just to you, but to your clients, to the organization, for you to work on the professional development goal of more facilitation, more presentation, being more front of the room.

(12:39):
And why did both of you agree? It's because when you are able to better connect with and facilitate client conversations, it helps clients achieve their goals faster. When you are better utilized, it helps clients achieve their goals faster and helping clients achieve their goals faster is the mission, is the whole purpose of your organization. That's the whole point. And I think this is the key thing here. This is the key thing that, um, in this hypothetical situation that I've painted didn't get fully addressed, right? You wanna start with why? I know Simon Sinek has a book called Start With Why. And also in workplace negotiation, in your self-advocacy, you wanna start with that why, right? When you address, Hey, I'm asking for this. It's not just for me. It helps us address clients' goals faster and which is how we address our organization's goals faster, right?

(13:44):
That's how you make yourself advocacy and act of service. But in this specific situation that I painted that had been overlooked, because again, we're talking about situations where you're just starting out and you're so eager to advocate for yourself that you are just making the moves that are not quite smooth. <laugh> not quite at expert level. So another thing to consider is that in these client presentations, the senior director or Sam, I was giving, uh, Sam in my mind the role of the title of senior director, Sam ultimately decides who faci facilitates which part of the presentation. So with that in mind, let's go to number three. Consider the invisible context. The invisible context. The thing that we wanna call out here is that there is this unspoken assumption from Sam that you should sacrifice what you personally want, that you should keep your head down and just do what you're supposed to do.

(14:56):
Well do what you're asked to do. Asking for what you want for your personal, for your professional growth is selfish. And I wanna acknowledge, I wanna highlight that this, this assumption, this judgment about you being selfish is a rather gendered judgment. Women more often than men are accused of being selfish and often by other women because in a society where men get an upper hand, men tend to continue to get an upper hand or systematically favored for power and authority. Women are held down and they're taught, they're conditioned, they're socialized to be selfless, to be humbled, to be quiet, to not be selfish. You know, selfish gets weaponized against women often in our society. Unfortunately, not many managers of any genders are aware of these invisible contexts. And when they're not aware, they're not able to do better. And when they're not aware, they're unwittingly perpetuating these gendered stereotypes, the gender judgment.

(16:27):
And so, you know, this is a hypothetical situation, but something very similar happened to one of my clients and it was very upsetting that was very emotionally jarring to be called out and, and to be openly judged as being selfish when she was like, well, I mean this is something that we had agreed upon, right? Instead, it was almost like a slap lap. And so another thing that we wanna acknowledge here that often and perhaps more times than we'd like other people, people like Sam, react to our requests from irrational and emotional place, rather than responding from a neutral, logical, or an objective place, right? Instead of saying objectively, oh yeah, those are the things that we had discussed. I remember that instead of that, Sam's like, well, you are being selfish and how could you do this to me as if it's a personal affront?

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And unfortunately, many folks in people, leadership, people who manage other people, got to those positions, not because they're the most logical, not because they're the most objective people who can assess requests from other people from a level-headed place, but because they were really good at doing a job that didn't require managing other people. And these folks like Sam, have personal and professional struggles. They have frustrations. They also bring their unquestioned biases, their unquestioned gendered stereotypes, you know, that they have unconsciously from our patriarchal society. And so they are often feeling stuck and overwhelmed and they don't know how to resolve that on their own. And what unfortunately often happens is what Brene Brown calls chandeliering pain. Chandeliering pain is getting mad or attacking, or you can even think of it as punching down on people who can't fight back. Chandeliering pain sometimes happens when the reaction to the request is outsize.

(18:47):
It like doesn't really make sense given the context, given you know, the situation. And so Sam saying, well, how could you do this to me? How could you be so selfish is a form of chandeliering pain. So when I coached my client who had experienced this type of pushback, this type of very upsetting response, I coached her and I, and I offered two things. Number one was the reframe. I suggested to my client to imagine this boss, this, you know, let's just call her Sam <laugh>, that's not her name, but let's just call her Sam. Imagine that person not as this like mean, towering, powerful person who's got a vendetta, who's angry with you. But see that person as a three-year-old, as a little toddler who's sobbing, who's upset cuz they've been denied what they've asked for. They've been told, good girls don't ask for what they want.

(19:58):
Yeah. And for my client, when I guided her to see Sam in this new light, it helped her kind of connect to this compassion, not just for herself who's also feeling hurt, but for Sam, who had been conditioned to think that she, you know, they can, they cannot ask for what they want, they're not supposed to advocate. It's a selfish thing. And I also gave my client some tough love. I highlighted, I brought her back to the fact that yes, you did ask for what you want, but you didn't frame the ask as a win-win. It wasn't really an act of service the way you phrased the ask. You made a request and you said, I want this for my professional development. Even though right unconsciously she remembers that, yeah, this isn't just for me, it is for the betterment of client results. It is for the achievement of organization's mission and purpose.

(21:03):
And sometimes the job you have in these workplace negotiations is to call out, is to spell out what seems so obvious to you that you're like, why do I even need to say it? Sometimes that's the job you have to take on. You have to call it out that, hey, yes, it's gonna serve me, but actually it's also gonna serve the clients, stakeholders, our organization. This is for us too. So number four and number five. Number four was call out the elephant and offer solutions. Here's what I suggested to my client. Listen, this is very upsetting, understandable. And here's one way, here's a suggestion. You can simply apologize. Now here's what I mean it, I'm not telling her, I wasn't telling my client to take back to say sorry for having advocated for what she said, but acknowledge, just acknowledge that it wasn't the best way to approach this particular subject.

(22:15):
So apologize but not take back what she asked for, but as a way to diffuse the anger. I know some people think that women shouldn't apologize ever, like we apologize too much. And I do agree some of us do apologize way too much and it's sort of detrimental to our own confidence and career growth. But at the same time, I don't believe that to be feminists is to deny our messy, imperfect humanity. Humans sometimes make mistakes. And when we're, when we're just starting out building new muscles that we didn't have before, sometimes we don't phrase our requests in the most articulate or most considerate or more effective way. And listen, I've been teaching self-advocacy and negotiation skills for more than a decade. And guess what? I'm a messy human and I still make mistakes. It's human to have blind spots. And for me, I have found that it is most aligned with my own sense of integrity to simply own up when I sometimes make a mistake to own up when I make a mess and say, yeah, I made a mess <laugh>, or I didn't say it the best way I could.

(23:38):
I wasn't thinking as clearly as I could. And so just, I apologize for my part. I acknowledge what I could have done better and then I do better next time. And I have found over and over again to simply owning my part, acknowledging what I could have done better and moving forward and doing better next time. That always helps me establish a stronger rapport with the right type of people, with the people who are willing to meet me where I am and who want to collaborate and who also say, yeah, it's actually more honest, it's more, uh, it's more, um, congruent to acknowledge sometimes you mess up and then we acknowledge and we move on. So long story short, through the coaching, my client was able to feel more calm, more neutral, more objective after this heated exchange with her boss. And what she did was next time she saw her boss, she approached her and she said, you're right.

(24:52):
I could have approached this request better, I could have made that request better. And I do believe that me handling more of the facilitation will help us achieve the goal that we are all working to achieve. And so here's the strategy point. She apologized, she cleared the air, she called out the elephant, but she didn't take back her request in instead of taking back her request, she made it clearer. She made the why of her request clearer. And what happened as a result is that the next time she was doing more of what she wanted, she got to do more of the facilitation, more of the presentation. You know, she got to do less of the prep work and more of the work that is going to help her advance her career. So moral of the story, sometimes bosses, sometimes people like Sam get upset, not because you did it wrong, but because of the unconscious programming in their brain that they're not even aware of.

(26:09):
And you can just be like, okay, I don't have to take that personally, even if that person takes it personally. I don't have to take it personally and make this worse. I'm not responsible for their emotions, but I can take responsibility for articulating the why behind my ask and not backing away from what I am asking for. Let's go to scenario number two. So we are doing the tale of two bosses. So now let's talk about a different boss, pat again, a gender neutral name <laugh>. It could be a woman, a man, a non-binary person. This is something that one of the listeners is, um, inspired by. One of the questions I got from a listener, she asked her boss for the raise that she was contractually owed. There's everyone signed the contract and the contract said that if she meets these performance metrics, she will be gaining a raise.

(27:15):
And her boss, let's call him Pat, him, her, they, let's call this person Pat. Pat agrees, yeah, you've met the performance metric, but the higher ups at this organization. So Pat's bosses decided to place a temporary ban on a raise on raises to all employees due to issues that are beyond your control, beyond Pat's control. And so now you're a little, Hmm, well, pat didn't go the way I wanted to go and now it just feels a little awkward and Pat seems a little bit more distant and you're starting, you're starting to worry that your relationship with Pat is at risk. So again, let's go through the five step framework. Number one, establish the facts. You show up, you get your work done, you've met your performance metric. The legally binding contract says that you are entitled to a pay raise that you ask for your manager.

(28:24):
Pat agrees you earned it. And if you just review the facts, we can tell you haven't done anything wrong. You've asked for what you do deserve that you have earned. But let's go to number two. Who decides what? It would be amazing if Pat decides on the race and the implementation and the administration of the race. But in this particular scenario, pat doesn't get to decide that Pat needs Pat's bosses to lift the temporary ban on raises. And why is that? We don't know, but we do know that Pat's hands are tied and upper management, Pat's bosses have decide for reasons that are simply beyond Pat's control. So now let's think about number three. Consider the invisible context or placing your perceptions, reactions, emotions in perspective. So it's common that sometimes when my clients are first building their self-advocacy muscles, it's like their first time asking for a raise or a promotion.

(29:41):
They have that conversation with their boss and it goes sort of like the one with Pat where they're told, actually my hands are tied. I agree you're doing a good job, but I can't agree right now. I have to go talk to my supervisor. I have to go talk to the skip level boss. It's sort of above my head. And then my client comes away feeling anxious, unnerved even alienated, a little bit unsafe with a lot of doubt. Like, did I do something wrong? Did I, did I shoot myself in the foot? And I want to address that. Sometimes this happens because of, um, a, a phenomenon that my mentor Carl Leventhal calls survivalist reaction. Survivalist reaction is when you feel that your survival is at threat, when in fact it isn't, right? No one is putting a gun to your head. Your life is not a threat.

(30:45):
Your survival is not a threat. You just had a conversation at work and the person, the boss, they said some words, that's all that it has happened. And then your brain had, uh, a response which triggered a chemical response. And now there are emotions in your body. That's it. That's all that's happened. But the survivalist reaction happens due to unconscious programming that we all get exposed to from cultural, social, gender conditioning. Let me give you my example. For me. I was born in South Korea and I moved here when I was seven year old, seven years old. So from when I was an infant to seven, I was exposed to social conditioning, cultural gender conditioning of, you know, South Korea. And at that time, I don't know if it's any different at that time it was normal for older people, people in positions of authority to yell at people who have less authority, yell at, you know, people who are younger and if they feel displeased or disrespected, it was totally normal and expected for them to spank you, yell at you, you know, shame you publicly.

(31:59):
And so what this does is, you know, create this unconscious conditioning that, oh, I'm not supposed to have anyone who is in a position of authority. I, I can't have anyone be displeased with me cuz that means then my survival is that threat. So what I'm sharing is that because of what we have been exposed to that we didn't choose or consciously opt into, we may have an emotional reaction or we may misperceive the situation as a threat to our survival or a threat to our working relationship. But let's go back to the specific scenario, hypothetical scenario with Pat. In this case, it's more likely that if there is any sort of awkwardness retention that has more to do with Pat feeling frustrated that his hands are tied, not because the person who asked for a raise did something wrong, right? You contractually deserve and you have earned it.

(33:14):
So let's go to number four and number five. Number four is call out the elephant or clear the air. Have a frank conversation and offer solutions. So here's like a simple script, if you will. Um, if you are in a situation kind of like with Pat and it just feels a little bit awkward right now and there's a bit of like discomfort, you might just wanna clear the air and say, Hey Pat, I didn't intend to make this difficult for you and perhaps I didn't approach it in the best way I could. Or maybe it wasn't the best time given the temporary ban on raises at our organization. And I would apologize for that. And I'm really glad that you and I both agree that I have met my performance metrics and that I earned the raise. So, you know, maybe this is not the right time, but let's think about when would be a better time for us to schedule in a retroactive pay raise.

(34:16):
And what are your thoughts about that? So that's a sample script. And an alternative option would be to also consider or suggest solutions for how you can rewrite your job description or ask for non-monetary, uh, compensation or even have a discussion about new opportunities, new ways that you can grow yourself in your current role. Maybe sort of like the first scenario that we talked about with Sam. Uh, you can ask for more presentation opportunities or anything that's gonna help you continue to grow where you are if you want to stay where you are. So in summary, one more time, the five steps that I encourage you to take and to consider if and whenever your boss is less than happy that you asked for a raise or advocated for yourself. Number one, establish the facts of the situation. Separate your thoughts, your opinions. Subjective meaning making judgments and just like, okay, what has actually happened?

(35:30):
And number two, think about who decides what and why. And when I say why, I just wanna reiterate that why is, is that bigger reason? How what you ask for serves the organization or benefits the client right beyond you. And number three, consider the invisible context. Sometimes the invisible context is that the boss is reacting from unconscious programming and sometimes your own reactions, your own thoughts and emotions after you have flexed those muscles are due to unconscious programming on your part. So we just wanna become aware of it so that we can separate our reactions from the facts, from the reality of who decides what. And then from there, if it makes sense, if it was a little awkward, just call it out. Just have a frank discussion and then you can offer solutions. You can offer suggestions without taking back what you have asked for, without conceding the growth that you want.

(36:40):
But showing up as somebody who is willing to come to the table and offer solutions, offer suggestions, that's really powerful communication. This is really great way to show that you are somebody who can manage up somebody who understands the nuance. Somebody who becomes more resilient, more skillful at negotiating her career growth every time she takes the action. For me, after I went to that one strength training class with the weights and the dumbbells, I was in pain for the first couple of days after it. But you know what? A week after I noticed my muscles are more toned, I feel more fit. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go back cuz the more you build, the more you do, the better you get. And if you have experienced any sort of post advocacy jitters, please know that's a sign you are on your track for growth. I wish you all the best and I will talk to you soon.

(37:42):
If you enjoy this podcast, come to jamie lee coach.com, j A m i e L e e C o A c h.com to get your free ebook. How to ask for a big pay raise and get it. And if you want expert guidance in your corner to help you achieve greater self-confidence and greater career satisfaction as you grow your skills in negotiating, leading and influencing as a woman professional, I invite you to book your free one-on-one sales call with me to find out how executive coaching can help you do exactly that. The link is in the show notes, talk soon.