Cancer, Loss, and Reiki: How Reiki Helped Me Navigate Life's Darkest Moments

R m a, which means that if you haven't taken your Reiki class with a prof, with a licensed Reiki master teacher, you can take five days in a row, level one and two and Masters in July and become a professional member of the Reiki Membership Association if you wish to. And professional membership has certain privileges.

And then on top of that, if you are ever interested in becoming a licensed Reiki master teacher, you need to be a professional member of the Reiki Membership Association for at least a year. So it's one of the steps in becoming a licensed teacher, if that's of interest to you. And that class is offered right here in Campobello, which is where I am right now. And I'm just thinking I can just quickly flip. The camera around and show you where we're at. We're right on the water here.

Whales often join us in class. We can see them out the picture window. And on top of that, I am going to organize a whale watching tour or anybody who wishes to attend that class. Also this summer I have several animal Reiki classes. I have animal Reiki one and two in the end of July, followed by an evening master animal Reiki masterclass. And they're both online and in person. But if you are in person, we can go whale watching around the times of the class.

And I also have level one and two again on a weekend in August, and I have a level one and two in Masters in September. And this is when the whales are all in their fullest glory. So if you would like to join us for any of those summer classes, please do. We would love to have you. And also, if you haven't already sent a a review, if you've read the Reiki business book and you haven't sent a review, if you could do that for us on Amazon, it would be much appreciated.

So I'm just gonna invite everyone listening to bring your hands into Gassho and just activate your Reiki energy. And today we're talking about our darkest moments. So invite each of your symbols to come with you now, and especially if you have it, the distance symbol. And I'd like you to think of some of the darker moments that you've experienced in your life.

And as you listen to the podcast, we'll use the distance symbol, yours or mine or both, to send Reiki to your dark moments and just allow them, the trauma of them to lift and allowing yourself to become lighter, releasing yourself of the burdens. And so we invite Reiki energy to flow into your body now, and if you are carrying any burdens from any of the difficulties that you've experienced because of the ways and worries of the.

You invite those burdens to just release from you now and as to continue releasing as you continue listening to this podcast.

And if you have any energetic attachments as a result of those, we invite the Reiki energy to flow through them on every level of their existence, through all their chords and connectors and sources of power through all their assignments and anyone who's given them assignments and through all of their effects, and to find and release them in a way that's healthy for you and for the attachment.

And so many of you listening may find yourself processing at this time and processing even as you listen to Amanda and I and. As she brings things up that might trigger a memory for you and encourage the processing to continue. And you may find that you're much lighter, that things look brighter, and that your hope is restored. We invite the energy of hope to flow through it all or without hope there is nothing.

And we invite any trauma or injuries that we've sustained to release into the light of Reiki today. I'd like to thank you for the work that you're doing and for the light that you are in the world. And if you have any attachments that have released, we invite. The areas where the attachments existed to connect now with the higher heavens and heal completely Aho Namaste. Thank you, Amen, Shalom. And so it is.

You can stay in this space now, or you might choose to place your hands comfortably on your body, giving yourself Reiki in return, or you may wish to come back. Amanda, you've been through a lot, but it really feels to me as your friend and

So it was a very, isolating time for everybody. But, I had to tell my mom over the phone that I, that I was expected to die and die quickly. My family, all my families, my siblings, everybody, it was, over the phone. Yeah, so that happened then. And then almost a, just a few year or few days, short of a year I came home and found my husband of we've been together 17 years and married 15. He had committed suicide and I found him with the gunshot wounded ahead alive.

It, those are certainly two very deep valleys as far as the soul growth goes. There were even in those really dark moments the amount of light and love that came through I still have a hard time comprehending the kinda light in the dark that we're kind of at play. And really just, this whole idea that life isn't happening to you, it's happening for you. And sometimes it's really, it can feel very harsh what is happening.

From the beginning I was committed to finding the silver linings everywhere I could. And there has been silver linings which is a little bit taboo to say when you're talking about, for instance, about the suicide. To say that there was silver linings to that, and I'm very aware of that. Cancer is easier to talk about than suicide, quite frankly.

Not only has it not spread but you've been able to heal what is there. And of course they caution me that it can come back at any time and it can, they don't know if it's gone. They just can't see it. So that was, it's really been November of 20 since, since November of 2020. And, and they had warned me that if I had any major stressors in my life, that cancer could whip through me then because my immune system would be compromised. And, when you're stressed, nothing works as well.

But, I survived Maddie's death, my husband Matt's death. I feel like I've, my, my body has proven itself in that regard that it can stay healthy when I'm under immense amounts of pressure.

I work full-time, I run a bunch of businesses. I don't have any, I don't have any health issues to speak of. In fact, I'm probably healthier. I know I'm healthier than I was before I had the cancer. Yeah. So they no longer make predictions for me originally they had said the average was three to five, but that many people go much faster.

They met me, I didn't know, I didn't find out until later that they thought I would be gone within a matter of months because the type of cancer I had was just so aggressive and moving so quickly. So I, my, it's gone and the, even the damage in my bones from the radiation that's been healed, I had issues with my lungs from some radiation damage that's been healed. Incredible. And, yeah. No I'm great.

And I'd like to, we'll share that document of the, all the things you were excited to do, but let's be, let's let people know what did you do from a Reiki standpoint? Because I have to say I was really impressed Yeah.

And that was in December of 2019. Yeah. I, it took me a long time to understand what Reiki was. And I think that was okay in the beginning, my life leading up to the cancer diagnosis. Was really quite difficult and in some ways more difficult than the two years that came afterwards. My husband had struggled with addiction, pretty serious addiction and mental health issues for a long time. I had finally made an attempt to leave him with my children. That had not gone well.

I had to commit him against his will to the psych ward. We certainly battled through the mental health system, not successfully, sometimes together, sometimes apart. He had gone missing for a period of time. He had attempted to burn down my office in one of, during one of his mental health breaks. It was just my stress level was really I was in fight or flight mode continuously. I remember sitting in my rental house with my back against the bedroom door.

My daughter slept so I could watch if any cars came in cuz I was so scared that he would find us. he my husband Matt was just the kindest, most sweetest man, crazy intelligent. But he had, he we found out subsequently that he had schizophrenia. And when he was in one of those episodes it was not Matt and there was nothing, I, there was no reasoning with him. There was, all you could do was wait out the storm.

And and so there was a lot of nights where I waited out a lot of storms in, in leading up to my cancer diagnosis. It was pretty intense. So I remember my first Reiki session feeling. It was like, I didn't realize how heavy my life was and how hard it was until I had that one hour break. And at first that's all it was. It was that, Reiki my hour with you quickly became my favorite hour of the week. Because that's when I got a little bit of work.

Yes. Yeah I did, I had the first session and then I realized it was something that I was gonna need weekly. And also because I just found my tumor I knew that I had known enough about cancer and stress to know that the tumor related and that if I had any hope of healing, then I needed to get my stress level under control.

And I knew enough to know that there was too many balls in my life between the various businesses, between my kids, between my husband that I was gonna need some real coping mechanisms to get through that. And really, I had the sense almost from the beginning that cancer was cancer was part of my plan. And I say that is, I always thought it was like an emergency exit, when I was developing my life plan, it's like, if you get too far off, we'll throw in some cancer.

And that will refocus you on what's important. And if that doesn't work we'll make it terminal. And I think that's what happened. I needed that. I always joke that, cancer wasn't enough. Cancer at 36 wasn't enough. It had to be terminal for me, really to pay attention. Yeah. So Reiki in the beginning it was, it seems so long ago now, but it was that one hour a week. And we talk about how, first it was an hour and then it I could take that piece with me longer and longer.

And by May of that year, I did my level one and two. Six months later I did my master's. For me, masters is where it really I really noticed a difference in what I was able to do on myself. I continued to do my weekly sessions with you. I think for almost two years. We met almost every week unless you were teaching or I was in trial. Yeah. And it really. I knew that if I was going to heal from this, I couldn't just heal physically. I needed to heal stuff from my childhood.

I needed to heal stuff from the, the very difficult marriage I was in. And it was hard because, I'm a divorced lawyer and I used to always think if anybody was in a position, to leave this abusive situation. It was me. And I had all this guilt and shame because I was regularly counseling women to get out of the situations that I was living in. And I, it was difficult, Matt, I recognize that Matt wasn't a bad person. He was really sick. And I have a loyalty to me to leave somebody that was sick.

It, it just wouldn't, it was just incredibly difficult. Because he had such a good core, like he. He was a good person and he loved a lot of people, and he made the world a better place. And he did all of that while carrying an enormous amount of darkness that he tried to shield everybody from. And, as the schizophrenia progressed, it became harder and harder for him to shield us from the consequences of that darkness.

So yeah, Reiki was a light, and then very quickly I realized that it was supposed to be part of what I'm doing here. And I didn't know how I, and I still don't know how all that was gonna unfold. But I knew that I almost became addicted to the piece of it. Yeah. And so I really believe that Reiki is what has allowed me to float through.

There is a destination and I should say, after going through about two years of pretty rough waters I'm in this beautiful spot in my life right now where the water is nice and even, and I can just enjoy the ride a little bit. But Reiki really was a place for me to to heal. It created a safe space for me to heal, for me to reflect on what needed healed. Cuz when I started this, I didn't even know what needed healed. I knew there was some piece of me that when I got that terminal diagnosis was.

Okay. I'm okay. I don't wanna live this life anyway. I didn't want the life I had. And even, I have no signs of it. Now. I know that it could come back. I don't live in fear of it. I don't really think about it to be honest. But I know that it could come back. I know that I'm much more likely to, my doctor doesn't remind me frequently, but the expectation is their expectation is that I will die of cancer. That's not my expectation. But I accept that may happen and I don't dwell on it.

I'm not afraid of it. Because the reality is if I live three years in this life, I would much rather that than 30 in my old, or even 50 in my old, the transformation of how I feel inside is so dramatically different. It's worth it. On the outside looking in, in my old life, we had everything. We had new cars, big house. We both ran successful businesses. We went on nice vacations. I have lots of nice jewelry. But, inside I felt so disconnected from the universe. I was exhausted.

I had very little joy. And really, it didn't even occur to me that joy should be a priority. I was so busy just holding everything together around me that self-care seemed like a luxury that I couldn't afford time wise. Yeah. It was nothing for me to spend lots of money on Amazon shopping for my, to fill that hole. But as far as taking the time to actually do self-care, it just it didn't even, it didn't even flash on my brain that it's something I should be consider. And I was disconnected.

I was disconnected from my purpose. I was disconnected from any kind of spirituality. I was really very much just in survival mode. And and I, and some people had a sense of that who were close to me, but nobody knew how bad it was. Only me and Matt really knew just how chaotic and difficult life was. So

And you had a young child and an older child that you needed to care for. You knew that your husband wasn't Yeah. In, didn't have the ability to care for the children, should you pass. And you still made peace with death. And I really, from my perspective as your practitioner, I remember you explaining that to me and where you were. And that was the moment I knew you were gonna be all right.

I remember one of the exercises that I did was I sat and I imagined what life would be like without me. Who would care for my children, who would love my children, how my children, and it was really my children. Yeah. Also my mom who would look after my mom. What could I do for, And that was a very difficult task for me because I, in my old life I was someone who tried to control everything out of a place of love. But I buffered everybody from, at all natural consequences of their actions.

I thought my shoulders were sh broader and stronger than anyone else's I knew. So I thought, I'm more capable. I'll heat this on me. And so the process of really sitting back and imagining what all these people's lives would be like without me it was humbling. And it was therapeutic. Difficult, but therapeutic. So that, but reading released that fear. It's such a gift in all areas of my life. I have no desire to die. I love my life now. I'm excited to see what I'm gonna do. I'm excited. Let's

In fact, my kids call his dad, uncle Lauren and his dad's been marking Amelia's height in her, his grad since she was about 12 months old. So his dad has just been a huge support to me. Tried to get Matt help and he tried very hard to get Matt help as well. And in fact, many years ago when I was trying to get my husband into rehab, I had called and talked to Brad to give me advice and so it's, I had known him, known of him, but didn't know him well.

I ended up going over for barbecue while I visited his dad, and it's literally something out of a cheesy Hallmark movie. He was sitting by the fire. He says, I stomped up to him, which sounds about right. I sat down next to him. I say, why couldn't you say glide? I glided over. He's you didn't glide, you stomped, stomper. So I stomped over and sat down and he's a little bit older than me he's pushing 50 and he had never been married. I'm 40 next. I'm 40 in April. I'm, we're both later in life.

I had literally spent the night before with his dad, Joking about how I was never gonna be in a serious relationship again, that I had no interest in being married, that I was never gonna live with anybody again. And I didn't think that my kids would need to date meet anybody, that it was just gonna be me and my kids and the businesses. And that was enough. Literally 24 hours later I stomped up to him and it's like nothing I'd ever experienced before.

And he, he says that about 15 minutes in, he thought, oh my God, I'm gonna marry her. Which was just hilarious because he, his friends were trying to get him to date. He had no interest in dating. I had noth no interest in anything serious. And, so we spent the next four hours in deep conversational, everybody else at the barbecue looked on in a, mixture of shock and horror, but what is happening? He lived in Alberta. He had just purchased a big, beautiful house.

He was about to accept a big promotion in his trade. His whole life was in Alberta and mine was in New Brunswick. And it's just it was like nothing. I, it was like the meeting of Two Souls. I can't describe it any other way. And it was so evident. It was hap what was happening. My daughter, who would've been nine at the time on the drive home, she said, mom, you really liked Brad? And I said, oh, yes, he's, he seems nice, smart guy. Funny. And she's and he really likes you. And I was like, yep.

And she's if you married him, uncle Lauren would be my pop then. And I just kinda said oh, Amelia I dunno if we're there yet, going too fast. But honest to goodness, we had this whole plan about it. We were gonna, we were gonna be reasonable and it was gonna take six months for him to move here. And the universe. Universe was not accepting that. Anyway, four weeks later he moved here. We had plans that he would buy a house, we would live separately.

The housing market here completely destroyed that plan. And so he ended up living with me very quickly. So we lived together for about a year and then got married in February. And for all those people living in difficult abusive relationships, I can tell you it doesn't have to be that way. And it's He's so lovely to fight with. Whenever we're, we're both very strong personality. So it's not that one of us, we go toe to toe, but it's respectful and there's no shots taken at one another.

We're just trying to find a solution. We're trying to understand each other. And I always get a little giddy in the back of my brain and oh my gosh, this is so lovely. So yeah, we were married. Life is incredibly happy. My children loved him. He loves my children. My Matt's family is very supportive. I remain close with them. My family, love everybody, loves Brett. I love breath. Yeah, he's wonderful. I love that. He's, He's awesome. He is. We're, I really could not comprehend how peaceful.

And content I could be with somebody. Just being in his presence is pleasurable. And he allows me to be me unapologetically. He loves who I am. He supports me in a way that I didn't know was possible. All the while still being stubborn and, stubborn himself. Own person. Really. His own person. Yeah, that's right. He's not a yes man. He's not, and I don't think you would respect him if he wasn't. No, it wouldn't last. It wouldn't. Yeah. So no, he's, it's incredibly wonderful.

We've also started an elevator business together. He's a mechanic, so we're doing that. Watching him become an entrepreneur. It's exciting. It's like our little baby. I'm back to the practice of law. And I've. I've made some, when I decided to come back to the practice, I thought, how can I do this and not get cancer again cuz it's so taxing. And so as I was pondering that, the universe literally delivered me, my best friend Charlene, who arrived at my door saying, I can't do my job anymore.

I just became a Reiki master. I don't know how, but I need to be doing Reiki full-time. That doesn't make sense to me. And I thought that's how right. So she, I hired her in the fall of 2021. So she works as a Reiki master at my law firm. So any new client that comes in gets a free session. Clients also we also use it to help clients get ready for trial, to get ready for negotiations, settlement. We've discovered that clients who are in a better. Frame of mind.

Basically, clients that aren't making decisions outta fear make better decisions. And so we use Reiki to release that fear so that they're making clearheaded long-term solutions or choices that are in their best for their highest good. So not all re not all of my clients take us up on that and that's okay. Everybody's, I had Reiki present it to me many times before I actually took it. But we like to think we're planting seeds for later our clients that do take it they report good things.

They're making better decisions and they're finding peace within themselves that isn't tied to what the other side. Isn't that, and that is, that, that is huge. And that's a lesson that I learned when I was dealing with Matt as I was going through my cancer journey is, I could, no matter what was going on with Matt and his chaos and insanity more and more, I was able to hold the peace inside. I was able to hold my happiness and my, I wasn't living the way I was before.

And that's really what we're trying to help with. Our help our clients find as well the peace with inside of them so that their ex, their kids, their, whatever, their external circumstances is that is less impactful in a negative way on them. Reiki insulates you a little bit from all that stuff. And so that's what we're trying to share there.

Also, in the summer of 2022 more and more, I started getting the sense that the universe had a large project and planned for me, It had not been lost on me as I moved through my journey. All the amazing Reiki, ladies and men but mostly it was ladies, if I'm honest. Ladies that I encountered, they're so talented. They're such a bright light. But I often found that their light wasn't reaching everywhere. It could because of some of the logistics of it all.

Most of 'em couldn't just quit their job and, do this full-time. They were doing it evenings, weekends, a lot of them weren't even doing it at all because the hurdles to set up a little side business asked people for money. All that for a lot of them was preventing, was presenting barriers that was preventing them from sharing their life. I'm in a bit of a unique situation in that I'm quite comfortable running businesses. We have a handful of 'em that we've run for years.

I'm comfortable starting new businesses and I've got some infrastructure here through the law firm and through the other businesses that I wanted to make available to the wider Reiki community to help, these new practitioners, these new Reiki masters share their light with the world that desperately needs it. And the idea of it kept coming to mind very strongly, especially when I meditated. I did my, at the time, I would take about two hours on us every Sunday to do my cards.

Message was always the same. No, don't forget the special project the universe has given you. I remember that it was just like here's what to expect for the next two weeks or the week. But by the way, don't forget don't forget. And so that's, so what came from that is called Dragonfly Reiki Marketplace. And it is an online virtual market where individual Reiki practitioners, as well as other modalities can come and showcase their services. And really, I really do think of it as an online market.

And I have this image from when I was in a market in Guatemala and everybody had their little booths and they were decorated, to their personality. And they're telling you about what they have to offer, and that's really what Dragonfly is. So it's gonna be a, it is a platform where Reiki practitioners, whether they're well established or new can, can do up their landing page, their little booth if you will.

And people can really see what you're offering for what they're offering for services what their specialty is, that you really get a feel for them. Because one of the things that I really realized at one point, as much as I loved my sessions with you each week, which I did, I would've done more Reiki if it was more easily available. So there was lots of times where I would've done Reiki maybe once or twice a week or two, two or three times a week, depending on some of the hard days.

And it didn't, especially around Matt's death. Yeah. And that's just the reality. And so I remember thinking that one, I had gotten incredibly lucky going to that psychic who appointed me to you. I remember thinking that it was almost a miracle that I had found Reiki and I wanted to make, I wanted to make it so that people who were looking didn't need a miracle. That it was easily available to anyone who sought it or anyone who had questions.

And I also wanted to give a space for these Reiki ladies and men who are. Such lights in the world to amplify and shine their light. And so that's what Dragonfly is. It's a, it's an online platform where Reiki practitioners can can showcase their skills, can market their skills, and where people who are seeking Reiki, whether they're practitioners themselves or new to Reiki, can go on and get a quickly, get a session with one Reiki lady can try a variety of Reiki practitioners.

Different practitioners bring different skills and experiences to the table, and we all do it a little bit differently. And so being able to have a platform where you can try different practitioners, not just in your own market, but from across the world. I think that's such a game changer for Reiki and spreading the light and the love and the healing of Reiki. And really it is my gift to the universe for the healing that I've experienced for the life I now have. I want others to heal.

Heal from what they talk about, what they don't talk about, what people can see and what people can't see. And I know, based on the very difficult path that I've walked, that it works. I often think if I can be happy and joyful, having come through the, really, the three years of what I endured from 2019 to, to 2018 really until Matt's death in 2021, it incredibly difficult. But here I am and I'm happy and I'm joyful.

And I feel like a lot of the times, the dark path, the dark patches in my path, they weren't just for my own soul growth, even though I had enormous soul growth through them. They're also, I think so other people can grab on and think, if she can do it, I can do it. And really, I, that is true. If you, if I can do it, that healing is there for anyone. I'm I was a complicated, stubborn case and it still worked on me. I had enormous difficulty letting go of control of things.

And, that's just not a struggle anymore. Now I allow, I, I totally go with the flow in a way that Amanda, from three years ago,

The kids are not gonna watch me become a shell of a person if I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die quickly and I'm not doing harsh chemo. And he, I remember he cried and he said, I would never ever want you to suffer as much as I love you, and I hate the thoughts of being away from you. I would never expect you to suffer and I could never stand watching you suffer. And I remember it all crystallized in that moment. That's exactly what I was doing for him, that I knew that he didn't wanna live.

He was pretty open about it, and I knew that his quality of life was dramatically decreasing. We didn't know why. But we knew that things were getting worse and I realized that I was guilting him into living and I was doing it because I was scared of losing him. I was scared of, I was scared of everything. I was scared of what people would. I was scared that people would think it was cuz I didn't love him enough, or that we hadn't tried hard enough.

I was scared that people would be critical of him. I'm still very protective of him. And I worried about that. I worried about the effects on our children. I worried about our businesses. He was a very successful business owner in air bouncing. I don't know anything about air balancing. I thought of the people that relied on us for their mortgages. And of course this is all during Covid. So the economy had stopped for the businesses as well.

So the businesses were all in pretty rough shape, so all this was going on and it crystallized from me that I was guilting him into living. And and it, it took me another six months working with that idea to finally say to him you need to make a decision that's based on what's best for you. That I'll love you no matter what. I want you to be here. I want you to get treatment. I want you to get well. I want you to heal. I want you to heal from whatever is going on in you.

Cuz we didn't know the same way I have healed from cancer, right? I just want us to tackle this head on to everything we can to heal and move forward together. And he made it very clear that was not what was gonna happen. And I had to accept your intention. Was it wasn't his attention. I remember him saying to me, I'm exhausted, I'm tired. I can't keep the darkness back anymore.

I often, in the mornings after the big storms, the big blowups, I would say to him, oh, Matt, I'm scared one of these days you're gonna kill. And I was, I remember a few times when the doctor had said, you're gonna die of cancer. I'd think, no, Matt's gonna kill me before that. So I really feared at times for my life, not for my kids' lives but for my life. And I remember him saying, I would never kill you.

I'll kill myself before if I can't, if I think I'm getting to that point, I will pull the plug before then. And I think that's exactly what happened more and more. He was having a hard time differentiating between what was actually me and what was a voice in his head that sounded like me telling him to do bad things. Just like his best friend, he often heard his best friend's voice in his head telling him to do things that he knew wasn't right.

And so that struggle and that battle, and he was just exhausted from it. After I had been diagnosed with cancer, he had really Cut out, the hard drugs, he still drank, but it wasn't the same. He wasn't and for years we blamed the blowups on the alcohol and the drugs, but when we removed the alcohol and the drugs, the blowups remained. And, and that was terrifying on a new level because then it was very clear that it wasn't just something he had to stop doing to make this problem go away.

That there was something more, we pushed really hard through the mental health system. I don't know I had a direct comparison to what the oncology system was like, and I can tell you that Matt did not receive the level of treatment for his mental health that I did for my cancer. I just not even close.

Ask Reiki to help. There was lots of weeks where I would just say, you'd say, what do we wanna work on? And I'd say, whatever the universe feels needs healed the most. You don't need to have all the answers. You just have to have the intention to be healed. And the belief it is incredibly important that you believe you can be healed. Our bodies, ourselves are always listening. So they listen to what we say in our head. They listen to what we believe.

So if you believe that you cannot heal, then you will not heal. If you believe that you can heal, then that's where your body starts working from. And so that's, as far as the cancer side of it, that's, and again, lean into the ray heat trust that it's for a purpose that life is happening for you. And then I also, in the beginning days, and I moved away from it as I healed, but in the beginning days I really thought of it as a war. On the one side, there was a cancer cells.

On the other side, there was me and I could feed whichever side I wanted. So if I wanted to get negative, if I wanted to eat a lot of sugar, if I wanted to get really down that was feeding the cancer, if I wanted to feed, the healthy side, then I exercised. I did Reiki, I fasted I kept my sugar very low. All those things. And it really, on any, given everything I did, it was like, which, what am I fueling my illness or my healing?

And I really that focus on fueling my healing in a every way, especially emotionally. So that's on the cancer side and the suicide side, I have a harder time talking about it because again, I don't want anyone to ever come away with a feeling that I am minimalizing or encouraging suicide. I'm not. However, I have come to accept Matt's decision and I accept it from a place of love. And I am so thankful that I was able to have.

Open di dialogue with him about his intentions before he did it, because that allowed him to freely talk openly. And that, we had a lot of really hard emotional dis discussions in the days leading up to him committing suicide. But they are such gems because they have given me he was very implicit. I had I, or explicit. I had told him that I would never marry again. And I remember he burst into tears and he really wasn't a crier. And he said, why would you think I'd want that?

I want you to be happy. Just don't find someone like me. Find a version of yourself. Find somebody who looks after you the way you've looked after me and marry him. And that's exactly what Brad is. Brad looks after me the way I looked after Matt. Matt gave. Just very explicit permission to go and be happy. He said you have done your time. You have been a good wife to me. You have stood by me. I would not have lived this long without you. Now is your time. Please go be happy.

There was things I had always wanted to ask him, but I didn't. I asked them those days and I remember saying to him, can I explain to you what I believe? Because he had never, he had been somewhat, he had always allowed me the space of Reiki, but he had always made clear that was my thing, not his. And so on that day, he was like, okay. And so I told him what I thought about the afterlife. I told him what I thought about Reiki, I, all of it. And I know it provided me comfort.

And I think it provided him comfort in those last difficult days. And I am Matt's death if nothing else has convinced me that I'm right about the afterlife because one of the things I had said to him was, you need to leave me so many signs that you're okay. And it's just ridiculous. He leaves dimes everywhere I rather dime. Yesterday and I thought about him. Oh yeah. We some of the best time stories I have just very quickly. His, one of his best friends was in a head and head on car collision.

Miraculously he walked out with not even without even a sore neck. You see the car and you think how when he went to get his stuff out of the car, he found a dime directly under the steering wheel. The first time me and Brad went away for a weekend, I found two dimes side by side. About 10 minutes after I said, I hope Matt would be okay with this. It's the only time I've ever found two dimes side by side. My daughter found one maybe three days after he died. She found one in the flower bed.

We find 'em all through our house. I use debit and a credit card. I never have cash on me, nevermind dimes. So we have a dad jar dime dad jar that's full of dimes. We found them in walls here. We've I work with a lot of cancer patients. They often find them after talking to me. My mom's family, they're just, they're everywhere. You find them after,

I always knew, I know he's at peace. I've gone to some mediums as well. He, and even packing up my wedding dress, when I lifted up my wedding dress to go, there was a dime underneath it. Oh, you're kidding. Yeah, no, it's yeah, there was a dime underneath my wedding dress. I know he's at peace. I know that he I know that he's so happy that the kids have Brad, and obviously I never would've picked the outcome, never would've picked the ending for him that happened.

But that's the ending that, that we got. And so much good has come from him. And I know he's okay in a way that he was never okay on this side. So yeah, I, I definitely had during my own processing of death really come to the leaf that we do have multiple lives and we do come back. And I've done some past life progressions with you, Pam, that have been very powerful. Some of my favorite meditations, to be honest, so I, but Matt in The Dimes has really come full circle.

And when you think about, one of the things that Matt said through a medium to me is I can help our family so much more from this side than I ever could, when I was with you and I just, I'm an empath and when I hear truth, I recognize it as truth. And he, I heard that from the medium and I thought, yeah, that's right. And, my daughter he comes to her and her. Wow. My son is when he is in the woods, that's where they feel the most connected.

So I know he's still with us and I just think of us as like this big team working for the advancement of the universe and our children and to bring healing into our various family lines cuz you know, there's generations of trauma there. And one of my favorite sayings, and I sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I chanted to myself is, release the trauma, keep the wisdom, heal the trauma, keep the wisdom. I have gained so much wisdom in this three year journey.

That's what I'm working on now is healing the trauma that I got while gaining that wisdom. And it's worth it. It's absolutely worth it.

I'll put a link to that podcast in this one and you can go back and have a listen. And I'll also put a link to our podcast that we recorded in the freezing rain so you can hear pellets against the against my window that I was recording in. Ages ago, it seems like now, Amanda, but some time ago when we initially talked about your success with terminal cancer. So I'm just, and I just wanna

Those struggling. I dream of the day when, a friend's going through a divorce or something where I can say, here, I've booked three sessions for you on the, on the marketplace. Pick the practitioner that feels right to you. That's where we wanna go with it. So we're really excited.

And just recognizing that there are angels and dark angels and brothers and sisters of the light standing on every side of you at the corners of the land and on every side, and that we always have the support of these beautiful, enlightened beings. They have our back, the universe has our back, and so much depends on what we focus on. I invite you to imagine that it's a beautiful, warm, sunny day and that you're walking through a. And a beautiful forest.

Maybe you're on the island of Campobello with me, where the forests lead to the ocean. As you walk along, you realize that indeed this forest path is leading to the ocean. You walk along and you breathe in the life essence of the forest, as the energy of the earth flows up through the bottoms of your feet. As you make a decision today to shift your focus. One of the things that showed up in one of Amanda's pivotal sessions was that we could choose to exist outside of duality.

Duality includes both the energies of love and fear, and everything positive comes from the energy of love. And everything negative, including hate comes from the energy of fear and that we get to choose our focus. Do we choose to focus on fear or love? And this is a choice that we get to make every single moment of the day and in every experience that we have.

And sometimes we may choose love, but we may forget and we might move back into the energy of fear and just make a decision now to make love your overarching theme. Ask those beautiful enlightened beings that surround us, ask them to remind you when you forget, when habit or circumstance brings you back into the focus on fear. And so we firmly entrench ourselves in our choice of focusing on love in every situation, even the difficult ones, even the darkest moments.

And so you look at the ocean that's in front of you and you realize that this beautiful ocean is an ocean of Reiki energy. In fact, it's the ocean of holy peace. And so you step into the ocean, and if you work with guides or have support from the other side, perhaps they're there with you and perhaps they step into the ocean with you. And together you lie down in the ocean of holy peace.

And as you do the divine animal kingdom, which includes the angels and the brothers and sisters of the light, surrounds you as a beautiful light, pierces the clouds above you, shines directly upon you, and the ocean begins to glow. The light from above is the light from the heart of God. The light from below is the light of the divine. And the light from the enlightened beings fills the air that you breathe and flows into your body on your breath.

And so you are surrounded in light and in love, and in peace. Allow these lights of Reiki, these frequencies that exist within the frequency of Reiki. These wavelengths allow light and love and peace and Reiki to flow through you now, releasing the burdens, releasing the injuries, and releasing the trauma, allowing the trauma to heal even as you keep the wisdom that you gained. And we'll remain here for some time.

And even as the injuries and trauma continue to live from you, the energy of hope, of love and of peace fill you surround you inundating every cell of your body and every part of your being and will remain here as you become filled with the light. Now feel the wisdom in your body that remains no longer connected to the injuries or the trauma. Acknowledge that wisdom. And acknowledge that you are grateful for all that you learned as a result of these darkest moments.

Understanding that going forward we can choose to learn differently, but while we were entrenched in the world of duality, the darkest moments bring the greatest opportunity to learn and grow, and shift and change. Grateful to have become who you are. A gift of light unto the world, a light bringer, a bridge of light, creating wellness. Wherever you go and bringing light into every situation, I invite you to remain here as long as you're guided and when you feel ready, you may return.

Amanda, thank you so much for being here with us today and sharing your journey. I know that we are all sending Reiki to you remaining healthy, and thank you. I know that you've helped lots of people today. Thank you.