Why we shouldn't criticize our children

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So if you're not sure that you have the right words to teach your kids about emotions , or not really sure how to go about it , um , wonder Grade is the app for you . Um , but I would wait . Don't download it , because we are about to release a new version any day now . So wait for me to let you know .

You can follow us at Instagram on at Wonder Grade , and we will let you know there when it's out , but for now , there's a link in my bio to get free printables every single Friday for kids between the ages of three to eight . You can .

You can download this if you work in a daycare , um , in a kindergarten class , grade one , grade two and , as long as it's kids between the ages of three and eight .

These are fun activities where there's coloring and things to color and things to cut out and things to glue and things to create , as well as , uh , um , a sort of journal to help guide the kids on how to start journaling and this little story that talks about a certain emotion that Ali , the character of Wonder Grade , is experiencing .

So it's a great way to sit down on weekends , do something together , talk about emotions . There's cutouts for a jar where you have , like , these discussion questions for your child . You can use this jar at nighttime before you go to bed to connect during dinner time .

Um , and , lastly , there is an emotion , like I said , that the character Ali experiences and we kind of help Ali through this emotion and he learns a tool that he can use to move past this emotion . So it's a great activity for kids and it's something you could do , not just together , but also there are activities they can do on their own .

So it gives you a break on the weekend and you can have your hot coffee . So you're welcome . Now , today we're talking about criticism and relationships , and this comes from the book that I'm reading called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman .

I read this a little while back and I wanted to really like dive back into it , and what's interesting is that he talks about how um criticism or harsh criticism , is an early warning sign or signal that a marriage is in danger . And as I was reading that and reading this whole chapter on that , I kept contrasting it to our relationship with our kids .

I grew up in an extremely critical home and it didn't come from a place of wanting to be mean . It just came from a place of a single parent being overwhelmed and just criticizing people and also having been raised in a way that my mom was just always criticized by my grandmother .

To this day , I see my grandmother hyper criticize my mom with everything that she does and I know that it's difficult , so it just comes out that way from my mom and it's not on purpose .

But all this to say that was the environment that I grew up in and I was reading some studies about how you know the way that we are with their kids and this becomes like their inner voice and their self esteem and their inner criticism , in a way , and we don't have to really look at the research .

We just have to look at ourselves and talk to our friends and realize that a lot of us that did experience this struggle a lot right now , as adults , with our own self esteem , our own inner voice and our motivation . So we want to break the cycle , we don't want to continue this and that's why I want to talk about that in today's episode .

But first , as always , I want to take a moment to thank the Taninbaum Open Science Institute for supporting the Kirsten on podcast Leaving research was one of the most difficult things I've ever done .

I loved research so much , and still do , and when I became a new mom , I realized that there were lots of people telling me what to do as a parent , but not telling me why . Why should I do this ?

And , more specifically , having come out of research that focused on emotions and mental health , I realized that this was a huge part of what we needed to learn as parents , and we weren't really talking about it enough at that time . Now Kirsten Neuron is starting to get old .

Next year Kirsten Neuron will be turning 10 years old , by the way , but the podcast and Instagram account and the website are fairly new are still five years and under . So the Kirsten Neuron concept of me taking neuroscience research and making it applicable to everybody is almost 10 years old . I did this in schools .

When I started , I did this with parents and through workshops with parents , but now I do it online . So it's old but still fairly new . But all this to say that I'm grateful for the Taninbaum Open Science Institute for supporting the fact that I want to share science with you .

Alright , so if you were somebody that was criticized as a child , I want you to take a moment to sit and think about how it made you feel . We might not have to have to take too much time to think about that .

But the reason why I want you to do that is because if I close my eyes and I think back to being a child , every single moment of being criticized , being called stupid or saying you always do that or you never do that I remember thinking in my mind that's not true for the always and never part .

Then for other things where the word stupid was used very often in our home , you start questioning and I noticed that . I mean , I struggled with school , by the way , I don't know if I've ever spoken about this online .

But school was not easy for me and in retrospect I wish I would have maybe gone to get tested to find out , like what the problem was , because I studied all the time . I loved studying . Thank goodness that I enjoyed the process of learning and studying .

That gave me that resilience that I needed in school , because every single exam that I got back was a huge disappointment and I just kept thinking I'm not good enough for this , like what's wrong with me ? I studied so much for this test One . I had lots of anxiety , a lot of anxiety , and that was part of my hypercritical inner voice .

I would just sit there and say here's another one . Let's go , cindy Might as well , write down some answers , but it doesn't really matter , because you're going to feel it . And I had given some exams in math . I had given them blank . I finished the exam and could not even think enough to write something on the exam .

It was as if I had not studied , but I had studied for hours . And then I remember my brother , who would not even study and pass with flying colors and I kept thinking like , why , why , why can't I get good grades ?

I so badly want to do well , and that's part of my own childhood and that's part of how my inner voice and my self criticism and my self esteem impacted the way that I was performing . And it was sort of when I learned how to lift that .

And , as you know , when I started this podcast , it took one year to publish the first episode because I was so nervous of putting myself out there . I hated my voice , I hated my accent . I just thought I'm not an interviewer , I'm not somebody who's used to doing this . That whole episode must be bad and wrong , and who's going to listen to this ?

And in the end , it's worth putting yourself out there . But all this to say is that the critical environment that I was in as a child had a huge impact on that , and we know that now through research . So what can we do as parents to minimize or to break this cycle or to minimize the amount of criticism in our home ?

And this is not just with our child , but with our partners as well . Are we so , now that we've kind of sat with the idea of how it made us feel to be criticized , think about when we criticize someone . What is the goal of criticizing that person ? If we criticize the person because of the action that they made , what do we expect the difference to be ?

What do we expect them to change , if we haven't criticized the actual action but we've criticized the person ? If it doesn't make us feel good when we were young , how will that make the person in front of us feel ? And it doesn't matter that they're 40 years old or they're 5 years old , the feeling is going to be the same .

Being criticized leaves you feeling ashamed and disliked , blamed for something and defective . So then , if it feels like that for us as an adult , how will it feel any better for a child ? Now , like I said before , I do think that sometimes we do it without even realizing .

The child doesn't put their socks away , or they're on the floor in their bedroom and you're like you never put your socks away . And , like I said , when I was young , I remember thinking , well , that's not true . Whenever my mom would say things like you never , I would say no , I've done it .

I just I forgot this time and I often forget , but it's not never . So , as a child , you realize well , my parents sort of really being critical on me right now , with me right now , but I didn't . It's not true . What they're saying is not the truth . So the same thing happens with our kids .

We have to be mindful of you always do something or you never do something , because it could lead to the idea of what's the point of trying right ?

So if the child gets in trouble every single day for never putting their socks in the drawer and they're always on the floor and you never think about I don't know , you never think about putting your crayons back in their place , whatever it is , then what's the point of doing it ? Why should I put my socks away ?

And I know that it sounds like it doesn't make sense , but for a child it's like , well , I'm going to yell that anyways , what do they care anyways ? And I want us to be mindful of what , the what do we want as an outcome if we're speaking to our kids that way ? And same thing in a relationship , same thing in a friendship .

We always want what's best and even if a person I'm thinking of partners who email me who say one , you know , one partner is doing a lot while the other partner is not this is very common and you know it's easy to criticize and say you can , you never clean the dishes . You never fold the laundry , you never , ever do whatever .

But how about changing it up to ? I really need help this time . You didn't wash the dishes when I asked you and now I'm overloaded with more work . I would really love it for you to help me out today . How about changing the way that we speak and communicate , taking into consideration emotional intelligence ?

Because when we criticize the character in front of us , the person in front of us and the character of that person , sorry , what do we expect in return from them ?

Because that person is more likely again , whether it's a child or an adult , to become defensive in their response and not to make those steps forward to improve the action that you want them to change . In addition , with kids , if we're not sort of giving them advice as to how to change that , right ? So a child who's always leaving the socks on the floor ?

Perhaps there's an executive function you know , planning and organizing and problem solving and remembering and thinking .

Maybe there's an aspect and odds are it's that , especially when it comes to remembering a routine or remembering things that you have to put in your school bag , for example , or if you have soccer practice , that you forget your cleats and your socks . Whatever it is , it's often something else .

So if we're criticizing the person for always forgetting and never remembering , then we're not giving them advice as to what they need to change right . So if a child is always forgetting to put their socks into their drawer , are we giving them tips to change that habit or behavior ? Are we giving them the alternative to having a sock on the floor ?

Is it too hard for them to reach a certain drawer ? Is it too difficult to open that drawer ? Do we want to put a red dot sticker on the drawer that has socks ? What can we do to actually solve the problem ? Because criticizing the child won't change anything . It's not going to make them first learn how to change it .

And also , if we're not taking the time to tell them what to do , how do we expect them to do it ? So we have to remember that a child needs our assistance . We are their coach , we are coaching them about their life and we are that support .

So if they are struggling with something , reminding them that they are struggling with something , it really won't help . It won't change anything . So we have to show them how to do it With our partner . Obviously we don't want to show them how to do it , but , again , criticizing them is not going to change that behavior .

I was reading a study that I will put in the show notes where they spoke about hyper how do they describe them ? Parents who were extremely strict on their children , thinking that they would have a better self-esteem . So they looked at the parents that were more strict versus those that were less strict and I think there's a lot more to the picture .

I don't think that we should just be looking at strict versus not , but just to say , the parents that were very harsh and strict on their kids had teenage girls .

So they looked at only girls for this study and yes , they should be looking at both boys and girls for the study , but they looked at girls specifically and saw that parents who were very strict on behavior and making sure that the child's behavior is correct and follows , you know , whatever it is , by the age of 12 to 14 , these girls had higher self-esteem

issues and higher self-criticism , internal self-criticism . So we have to keep in mind that when we think a child needs us to be really harsh with them and that's gonna help shape them . I'm not saying you know that it's a hundred percent . No , but there's a lot of it . We have to keep in mind that emotional piece .

Right , it's not about being sensitive with our kids . It's not about just letting them do whatever they want . There is a limit and rules part of it , but where's that warmth and sensitivity ? We have to keep balancing both . And in Daniel Goldman's book he was talking about how criticism leads to contempt in a marriage , and when I was reading this again .

So contempt being that feeling that a person is beneath consideration , they're worthless , you're not deserving you . So if this is what criticism leads to in a marriage , think about what this does to a child who says their behavior isn't caused by the criticism that we are doing every single day with them .

If we are always saying you never knew always and you're so this and you're so that we're labeling them , we're telling them who they are , rather than them figuring out who they are themselves right and developing their character and all the good stuff , we become our child's inner voice . We need to keep saying that to ourselves .

So when you are ready to blow up and to criticize your child , in that moment , remember that you will become their inner voice . And what do you want your child to have as an inner voice Something positive , motivating . We want them to build their self esteem and to feel that it's okay to make mistakes and mistakes are a learning experience .

But remember that everything we say to them will become their inner voice and their critique , their inner critique and their motivation . So when they're in moments at school when they're older or they're teenagers and they're doubting themselves or they're not motivated , they're going to come back to that voice that we've given them .

If we are hyper critical with them and just criticize everything that they do , it's not going to lead to them , you know , being more successful because they're criticizing themselves . It's going to lead to higher chances of self esteem issues and them criticizing themselves in a way that isn't productive and a way that isn't motivating .

So , my dear friends , I leave you with these reflections for this week . First , start by asking yourself am I criticizing my child ? Am I criticizing my child ? And the answer might be yes , but not all the time . I've done it .

I get stuck in these moments of like you never do this , but the difference is , because I've been working on this , now I am able to catch myself and say sorry , I didn't mean never . I know that you do it , but right now , you didn't do it when I needed you to do it , so can you please just put your socks in your drawer ?

That's the kind of reflection and Awareness that I'm hoping you could develop , by first Acknowledging if you criticize your child and how often so . The second question is you know how am I criticizing my child ? How often am I criticizing my child ? Which words am I using to criticize my child ? Just so that ?

Just write it down , so that you could see it in front of you , because maybe writing the words that you've been using with your child and writing them down in front of you will help you realize . Wow , if somebody told me this , it wouldn't be helpful , and I don't want you to be hard on yourself .

You might have been criticized when you were young , and I just want you to be aware so that you can make changes right now . It's not too late . You know that part of the curious around podcast and everything that I do is never about Pointing the finger at you , the parent . I don't want you to do that . We have enough honor plates .

However , I do want you to reflect and I do want you to start being curious and compassionate towards yourself . So the next set of questions are was I criticized as a child ? How did that make me feel ? Write it down , just write it down as as much writing as you want to see what words come out .

What words were used for you , what situations you were criticized for . Think about how this made you feel and if you saw the impact of that on yourself as an adult . So ask yourself am I seeing the impact of this early childhood criticism now in my inner voice , in the way that I critique myself , in the way that I ? Or in my self-esteem ?

And Lastly , ask yourself which phrases can I you use to replace these very critical phrases or these critical words ? So again , if your child never puts their dish in the dishwasher but they've done it two times , but it's like rarely Use those terms say you rarely put it in .

You know , and it makes it really difficult for me because it's extra dishes in the sink I would really appreciate it if you could put it in the dishwasher .

And when you're sitting at the table and your child is almost done their plate , give them a gentle reminder hey , when you're done , don't forget to put in the dish in the dishwasher , especially if they are young under the age of seven or even eight . Sometimes they need these reminders , they need this assistance . So it's okay to remind them .

And if you are struggling with a certain situation with your child and they truly are never doing something or always doing something and it's causing some issues within the functionality of your home and your family , then sit down with your child and think of a game plan together , express how this never always makes you feel and the way that it's sort of Hindering

whatever aspect of your life , and say that you are concerned and that you want to make sure that you work together as a team , because that's what we are as a family . We are a team . How can we work together to make sure that this doesn't continue ? And I want to help you . Tell your child , I want to help you .

I noticed that you're having trouble with this . I noticed that you're struggling with doing that , whatever it is . Sit down with your child and these are the kinds of Habits within your home that will help build your child's emotional intelligence and support your relationship with your child . That is all I have to say today .

My friends , I hope you enjoyed this episode . I hope you have started a curious neuron notebook . Get yourself a really nice notebook , whatever you want black , purple , pink , blue , I don't care but get something and write curious neuron on the inside cover and just start Writing these reflections .

I've been giving them now for a little while and I just think that it's so important to step back and to Observe and to get or to become aware of things that we are doing , because I do think that sometimes you do things without even Realizing its impact , but we need to become aware first .

So thank you for listening to the curious on pot podcast this week and I look forward to seeing you next Monday , same time , same place . I'm not going anywhere and I hope you have a beautiful and lovely week . Oh , and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast . Leave a rating and a review and email me at info at curious neuron dot com . Bye .