What to do when you keep saying "I don't have time for myself"

I'm trying to share the science of parental well-being with you because , guess what , you matter , and I think that sometimes , as parents , we forget to put time to the side for ourselves , or we forget to take care of our needs , or we don't realize that our emotions and our needs matter . And today actually is all about that .

We're going to have a little tight , to tight , you and I . We're going to have a conversation around what it means to make space for yourself , and if you are somebody that often says I don't have time for myself , then hold on , don't leave . This episode is for you and it's going to be a short one . I don't want to take up all your time .

I know you're busy and I do want you to have the reflections that you need for this week to work towards . You know the growth that you're looking for as a parent , as a person , as somebody who works , somebody who doesn't work , who stays home , whatever you do .

I want to give you those reflection prompts so that this week , while you're going for a walk or driving to work or journaling , you could say oh , I hear Cindy's voice in my head and these are the reflection prompts I need to work on this week .

So before we do jump into that , I do want to remind you that this week I will be in Palo Alto , california , on April 25th , that is this Thursday , and you can join me .

You can come listen to the talk that is all about child development , specifically around emotions for young preschool kids and also your well-being and how it's important for your child's emotional development . So click the link in the show notes . It brings you to a file that there's a QR code and you can purchase your ticket there or pick up your ticket .

I'm not sure how it works , but everything is there and I'm really excited to meet everyone out in California and to go to the West Coast for the first time . So if you're having trouble with that link , by the way , just send me an email at info at KirstenRohncom and I can send you the PDF if you're having some struggles there .

And , as always , I do have to ask you for a tiny little favor . That's going to make this podcast continue . So it's actually a really big favor . If you haven't done so yet , make sure that you are subscribed to the podcast and make sure that you leave a rating , at least at the minimum .

Just rate the podcast , whether it's on Spotify or Apple , just put it up whatever you want three stars , four stars , five stars .

But then also , if you do have a little extra time , if you can leave a review and let me know , send me an email at info at kirstenroncom , because I do want to thank you with a $10 coupon for the reflective parent journal that I have at Kirstenademy .

It's 100 pages of journal prompts , but it's divided in a way so that if you're struggling with your work-life balance , there's a section there with prompts . If you're struggling with the relationship you have with your partner , there are some prompts there . If you're struggling with your relationship with your child , there are prompts there .

So you don't have to do the entire workbook . But if you take a step back and reflect and say I do want to work on my values , I do want to work on how I nurture myself which is what we'll talk about today then you can at least just go to that section and get those prompts .

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If you are that person that often says I don't have time for myself , you're not alone . I guarantee you you're not alone . I am often in that boat , or was a lot more before , but I've realized that sometimes we struggle with making space for ourselves and I was having this discussion with somebody this week and that came up and I was like you know what ?

I already had a topic planned for today , but I really , really wanted to put this forward , because I do think that I often hear people still saying that , including myself . Like I said , I'm not pointing fingers , I'm pointing at myself too , but it's when we really step back and reflect that we could make space for ourselves , because we need to .

We have needs . They don't disappear just because we're parents . And you matter . I say that all the time , I say that in the newsletter , I say it here you matter , and the reason why I'm so adamant about saying that to you , knowing that you're listening , is because I had forgotten to remind myself about that for so many years .

Having four kids in under three no , I don't have four kids Having three kids in under four years just led to me completely neglecting my needs and myself , my mental health , and it was only after I had the third child that I realized whoa , something's going on with me . After I had the third child that I realized whoa , something's going on with me .

I've lost complete control of my emotions . I am not myself , I'm not acting the way that I used to . I just don't feel pleasure in things that are things that would bring me pleasure before , and I just feel like a failure right now .

And I had to take a step back and realize , wow , you've completely abandoned yourself and it's not what you're supposed to do , you know , and it's in those moments that we start thinking things like we're failing at being a parent .

We start thinking that we just can't cope with , you know , parenting and having one or two or three kids it doesn't matter if you just have one . If we neglect our needs , then it shows , and neglecting your needs , this is what we're going to talk about . I've been giving some workshops in schools the past couple of weeks and to parents and to teachers .

And neglecting needs doesn't necessarily mean going out to the spa every week . It's not about that . It's about our internal dialogue . It's about our self-compassion . It's about whether we are empathetic , you know , with ourselves and whether we have enough capacity to be empathetic with others .

Those are signs that we have neglected our own needs and , you know , nurturing those needs has to do with the work that we're doing , with showing ourselves compassion and love and kindness . Something I've often said here on the podcast is that you know these leadership skills . I read lots of leadership books and trying to understand how to support a team .

I have a very small team , albeit the most amazing people that work here at Curious Neuron . They are about helping parents because they are parents as well , and they often felt the way that I did , where nothing out there supported us as parents and nothing felt , you know , let us was letting us feel validated or seen , and that's my goal with Curious Neuron .

But as the founder of a company or a CEO , you often encounter problems , and I like to look at it that way . In parenting I say this all the time , but you kind of have to be . You are the CEO of your family , of your home , co-ceo , ceo , whatever it is .

If you're alone or with a partner , but you have to look at everything that's going on , including noticing that you don't have time for yourself , then you need to attack it like a problem in a company , which sometimes you need to work backwards . What do I mean by that ?

So if you are listening to this and saying I'm that person , I do not have time for myself , there is absolutely no way that I can have time for myself . Let's start the reflections . What does time for myself look like for you ? What is it that sort of fills your cup or makes you feel good , brings you happiness , joy , you know , regulates your system .

So is it going out for a walk ? Is it talking or meeting with a certain person ? Is it drawing , painting ? Is it cooking or baking ? I didn't mean to make that rhyme Hello , I'm Dr Seuss cooking or baking . And I didn't mean to make that rhyme Hello , I'm Dr Seuss .

But I do think that it's important for you to make that list of what makes you happy , and sometimes we forget about that .

I , in all honesty , when I started taking time to reflect on what mattered to me , I had forgotten what brought me joy , because what brought me joy after having three kids , what was stuck in my head were my three kids , and that's okay .

But there are other things that you can do that also bring you joy , and for me , it's reading books , journaling , walking and talking with certain friends . You know , moving , moving my body . I don't do it enough , but I do enjoy the walk and every time I do it I come back and I'm fired up .

I have so much energy just for a 30 minute walk , but what we need to do is work backwards . So first , like I said , making a list of things that you would want to incorporate and being realistic . Right , it's like setting those what are they called Smart goals ?

You need to be specific , but you also need to be realistic in the sense that , well , if three hours of I don't know a workout every day is something you want , if that's not really possible and realistic with the schedule that you have , then what's the best alternative to that ?

So , if you do want to start including , let's just use that example I want to walk , write it down in your sheet of paper . I enjoy walking , I enjoy moving or being outside . Okay , now let's try to be specific . I would like to walk 30 minutes every day or every other day . What is the small goal , the small win that you can create ?

And part of this is what's that book ? Atomic Habits , right ? So , starting really , really small , is there a point in your day that you can step out for a walk ? Is there a point in your day that you can switch something , ask somebody for support ?

And this is where we're walking , or or working through this backwards , because now we started with what we need and now we're going to try to look at our schedule a little bit more . If you've never done this before , I remember having I had this business coach that would tell me .

When I would say , like there's no time , he'd say , right , okay , there's no time , let's just take a calendar and an Excel spreadsheet and you're going to write , you know , monday to Sunday for two weeks , and write up all the time there and you know so that you're going to fill that calendar or that Excel spreadsheet and tell me what you're doing .

And it was only that way that I realized , wow , I'm really spending a lot of time answering emails , or I'm really spending a lot of time answering DMs and comments on Instagram . And it was that time a couple of years ago that I really stepped back from responding to DMs and comments .

You might notice I'm really not active , but it's because I felt that it was more important for me to post and get the information out , and then I don't have time to go back . I'm actually not on Instagram very much and I only noticed that because I wrote down what I was doing .

You don't have to do it for two weeks , but you can write this down for one week . What are you doing ? What time are you waking up at ? Are you getting up at the same time as your kids ? What does that schedule look like ? Are you out of the door and then straight at work ? Are you arriving at work early ?

Do you have a lunch break where you can step away and take a walk . Do you finish where you have a buffer of 20 minutes where you can go for a walk before going home ? Do you get home and is your partner in charge of schoolwork or cooking ? Can you switch it up a little bit and then find a space for you to go for a walk ?

Let them know your needs , share what really would make a difference for you . Is there a way that you can make it work ?

And again , trying to start off with a very small goal If half an hour of walking every day isn't possible , is you know 15 minutes possible , or is it possible to do half an hour every other day , or four to five times a week , or whatever it is ?

Set that goal , write something down , because it's very easy for us to get stuck in saying things Similarly to when a week or whatever it is Set that goal , write something down , because it's very easy for us to get stuck in saying things .

Similarly to when a parent or somebody tells me I'm so stressed at work , my follow-up question to them is usually what do you mean by that ? Let's add the word because right , I've posted about this a few times . I'm stressed at work because , well , I have an unrealistic workload All right . Now we have a little bit more of a specific there .

So , with an unrealistic workload , who do I need ? Who do you need to speak to ? Who do you need to ask for assistance from ? Who do you need to set a boundary with ? And once we become more specific , then we are able to pinpoint where we're or where the problem is , and then , when we pinpoint the problem , we're able to try to find solutions .

Right , we need to do the same thing when it comes to parenting and for ourselves , because we're going to get stuck in that cycle of I don't have time , what don't you have time for ? I don't have time for walks , and they really matter to me . How can you make more time for this ?

Is there something in your day that is taking longer than possible that you can get support or prepare the day before ? Is meal prep taking a long time ? Can you cut that a little bit by cutting up some vegetables or marinating meat the day before ? Can you change the kind of recipe ?

Can you pick something up every I don't know Tuesday that makes it easy , meats that are already marinated , or a very simple meal that cuts down the prep time so that you can go out for that walk . How can you make it happen ? Make space for yourself . Once you have figured out what you need , who do you need to speak with ?

Once you've done all of this , then try to show yourself somewhere whether it's a calendar or something you print that you can check off so that you can show yourself a visual of I'm making this work , and I think that the best advice I've ever heard from someone when it came to kind of motivating yourself , whether it's exercising again , doing something for yourself

, like I said before , for me it's reading a book , and my friend and I often have this discussion where she says well , you know , I don't know how you have time to read books , and I said it's because I make it . I made it happen . So a couple years ago , I was really fed up of not reading books .

I was just mad at myself because I knew that that's what nurtured me . I love reading books and then thinking about what I read and thinking about how I can apply that to you guys , share that with you or create something within Curious Neuron . And so I got a Kindle . It was on sale .

I got myself a Kindle and I was able to read when I was putting the kids to bed , because I have a four-year-old and he still just wants me to hang around and I was just sitting there and waiting . I wasn't on my phone , I didn't like doing that , I would leave my phone away , but I was sitting there with him and I enjoyed it . I was , you know .

I mean , we were cuddling sometimes . Sometimes he's lying in his own bed or I'm lying down beside him and I realized , you know what , this is a great time for me to read . So I got myself a Kindle and that's when , for me , things changed . I was able to read in those down times .

So if my kids got up in the middle of the night and they were scared , and then I was awake for a little while , I read . In addition to that , I made I don't know , I don't know what did I make A promise to myself .

I don't know what it is , but I had this conversation with myself and said okay , how can I at least continue reading just a little bit , even if I don't have those moments ? So , regardless of the time I go to bed , I make sure that I read for about 10 minutes .

It's not much , but it still nurtures my soul , it still nurtures my needs , and so that's my personal time . I don't watch a lot of TV . We don't have Netflix we don't have . We don't have cable . We do have what is it called the Disney Disney flicks ? We don't have , we don't have cable .

Um , we do have what is it called the the disney disney channel , and so I'll watch episodes of modern family , uh , once in a while . But besides , that nighttime is when I work or read or clean something up if I have the time . So I don't really do that . I changed that a long time ago to being productive reading books , learning . That's my me time .

You might want to watch TV , and that's okay , but can you change that time If you want to , I don't know ? Read a book or paint . Can you switch a little bit of that time at night from watching TV to painting if you want to ? But this is going to be the week where you make that change . I know it , I feel it , I just know it . I believe in you .

I do know that if you look at it this way and just take a piece of you know sheet of paper and write down your needs , what do I need , what matters to me and fills my cup , and then try to work it into your schedule in little baby steps . It doesn't have to be . I'm going to work out , you know , six times a week for an hour and a half .

What are the baby steps to your goal . What are the little , you know , the little tidbits of this that will make you feel a boost of energy and happiness . How can you make it work ? Work backwards with what you need first , and then looking at your schedule and seeing how you can insert it .

Speak to the people in your life that you need to speak with to make it work . If it's your child , you know , playing with a friend and you get a little bit of a break on the weekends . How can you make this work ? I hope this makes sense . I you know .

I know that everybody's life is very different and you might be listening to this saying there's absolutely no time . Even if you're saying there's absolutely no time , I still want you to take that sheet of paper and give it a try . I want to see if you can and then email me If it doesn't make sense and you're like Cindy nope , didn't make sense .

Look , I tried it . Email me info at keroseneuroncom . I want to make this work for you and I want you to see that it's important for you to make space for yourself and to nurture yourself . If you are going through a rough time , feel free to reach out to me . Info at keroseneuroncom .

You can visit my website , keroseneuroncom and reach out to me from there . You know , come say hi , let me know who you are and where you're listening from . It just means so much to me and I hope you have a beautiful and lovely week . I will be in sunny California and I will see you next week . Next week is a special week .

It is Maternal Mental Health Week and there's also a focus on postpartum mental health .

I will have two very special guests where I'm bringing in a psychologist researcher from McGill University and we will have a mother who has experienced postpartum mental health struggles and we will have a beautiful conversation about why we shouldn't normalize mental health or mental illness , and you're going to know why by the end of that episode and I hope that it

makes sense to you . But I will see you next week . Bye .