Was my child's misbehaviour due to my lack of emotional coping skills? Here is how I messed up last night.

Today , I want to talk about a mistake that I made that I think you can learn from , and I want to be open and honest about what I did wrong and how I reflected on this and how I fixed it with my child , because I think that many of us get stuck in this sort of cycle of struggling with our stress and our own emotional coping skills , and it impacts our

child , and when I stopped and realized what was happening yesterday , I realized that this might be a good example for all of you . In case you're new to this podcast , please make sure that you are subscribed to the podcast wherever you are listening to it , and if you haven't done so yet , I would love for you to leave a rating and a review .

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All right , it's a solo , so you know that I get right to the point , because I don't know how to have small talk with myself , all right .

So last night I was really stressed because it's a long weekend and there are lots of family events , but I still have some work to do and workshops that I'm preparing for schools , where I'm supporting teachers specifically with their wellbeing and trying to help them reduce stress . So the workshops are specific around that .

By the way , you can always email me at info at kirstenroncom . April and May are completely booked , but there are some spots left in June if you want , or we can start booking for August and September as well . I do give workshops in schools . I talk about child development , but mostly I look at what the child's environment looks like .

So in a school , that's a teacher , in a home that's the parents , and how does the environment impact that child , specifically when it comes to their emotional development ? And the environment also has to do with how stressed you are as the caregiver in that child's environment . So even in early childhood centers , daycares and preschools .

I'm going to be in California at the end of April and I'll be giving a talk there , so I'll put the link in the show notes as well , in case some of you want to .

You know are in Palo Alto and want to join me , and I just want to make sure that we start having more of the conversation around the environment a child is in , because I feel that we place a lot of onus and responsibility on the child to develop their emotional skills , their social emotional skills , in school as well , when , in essence , the bigger impact at

that age is their environment . So how are adults in their environment modeling emotional coping skills and , you know , coping themselves ? So that's what my focus is . So , like I said , I was , you know , starting to get stressed last night because I realized time was running out for this weekend and I hadn't really done a lot of work .

So I was getting my kids ready for bed and I was getting . I was impatient , very impatient , and I'll admit to that . I was trying to get them to hurry up . I wanted an earlier bedtime than usual so that I can get some work done at night .

And I was being , you know , abrupt , not abrupt , but you know , if my kid was starting to dance in the shower , whatever it was , I was like that's great , let's move on , let's just get this over with .

And I was aware that I was speaking this way and I was aware that , you know , I was very impatient , but I wasn't controlling it and I wasn't thinking of the impact . All of a sudden , one child started feeling like , hey , I just said something to you and you didn't notice what I said , or you're not .

You're saying yes , but I know that you didn't listen because you didn't respond to it . I didn't notice that part . I was so busy trying to get three kids washed and just before you say my husband should have been there , he was . He was washing the laundry . We were each trying to get things done so that we can have an earlier night .

But , all this to say , I wasn't being myself . It dysregulated one of my three kids and I only noticed once . It was too late . And this is what I want to talk about , because I feel that sometimes when we're stressed , you know , we say our kid wants attention or they're whining , but we don't have the capacity .

It could be because of stress and thoughts that we're having , like mine . I was thinking of them going to bed so I can get some work done .

But it could also be emotional capacity and if we've dealt with a lot that day , whether it's because of our relationship or our mental health or something that happened with a family member or something at work , we tend to , you know , empty our cup and then we come home at night and we might not have anything left to give to our kids and we need to be

mindful of that . Our kid needs us . They might , you know , be telling us a joke or story , and you know we're human and we might not really care in that moment , or we might try to pretend that we care , but they can tell , they know .

It's exactly what happened to me during bedtime where that child , one of my kids , was telling me a story and I was like mm-hmm , mm-hmm , mm-hmm , and I was trying to let it go and I didn't even notice that he asked me a question .

I was overwhelmed and I just needed to get some work done that really triggered his emotions and that led to him feeling dysregulated and not about not being safe , but not feeling validated , not feeling connected to me , which is important for him and all my three kids . Before bedtime we forget about that piece , that connection piece .

Once he was dysregulated , it was too late . It was just too late and I realized it at that moment . Man , I should have just controlled myself . I should have just gone through bedtime , knowing that whatever time I end up starting to work , it'll be that time and that's okay . But I didn't work on my inner dialogue .

I just kept powering through , thinking that if I can just get this done , I'll get extra time and I won't have to do work tomorrow , on Easter Sunday , knowing that we have a lot of family , knowing that we have to visit people and have , you know , lunches and dinners .

I was just trying to get things done and my child was just being a child who wanted attention . Not unnecessary attention , not bad , you know attention , just attention . He was talking to me .

If I would have been in the same shoes which is what I try to practice , you know , in these situations , whether it's with my kids or my partner or my friends or my family members if I were in , if I would have been in his shoes in that moment last night telling my husband a story where he was like and then I asked him a question , I would have asked

him a question and he would have just said I would have been pissed , I really would have . I would have been like , hello , are you listening to me ? And that would have triggered me . So all this to say that triggered my child , understandably . But then it wasn't just a moment , because he's young and he's learning how to cope . It's even as an adult .

Sometimes it's too late , somebody triggers you and doesn't listen to you or says something that you didn't like , you don't snap out of it within three seconds , and neither did my young child , so he was stuck in it . It was too late , no matter what I said , brush your teeth . He was mad . You know , floss . He was mad .

He was ignoring , he was misbehaving because of the fact that I didn't regulate my thoughts and my emotions before that . I want you to know that I'm not sharing this story so that you feel shitty the next time it happens .

I felt shitty in that moment , but then I took control because I became very aware of what I had done , rather than saying what a crappy parent I am . Look at what I did , or what's wrong with this child . Why is he not brushing his teeth ? Why isn't he flossing ? Why isn't he listening ?

It would have been very easy for me to get stuck in one of those thoughts , but I didn't because I became aware . In that moment , I , you know , through the practice of reflection , I was able to say shoot . You know like I messed up .

I snapped out of it for myself , but it was too late and now I had to try to regulate him or at least meet him where he was . He was mad . I apologized . He didn't care at that point and I said , okay , we're just going to get through this night . And I did .

I didn't try to fix it , I didn't try to change him , I didn't try to , you know , get mad at him , discipline him . He didn't do anything wrong , necessarily . He just was refusing to get things done because at that point he was like F it , I don't care . This was a moment that he was dysregulated and I couldn't get to him .

So I had to get to me and work on me . In the end , the night wasn't that bad . It was a struggle . You know I was about 40 minutes later . You know I sat at my desk about 40 minutes later than I wanted to , but I got through it . And then I reflected even more .

I took out my journal and I started writing what could I have done differently that would have impacted my child's behavior ?

And what I could have done differently was in that moment when I was stuck on that thought of I just need you guys to get to bed , I could have said all right , what am I in control of , what am I not in control of and what do I have influence over ?

Right , because we often balance it between what am I in control of and what am I not in control of .

But there's an in-between , there's the influence , and I could have just said well , while I'm trying to wash one , I could have , you know , organized myself a little bit better rather than trying to power through it , and I could have changed the way that I was responding to my child . I wasn't responding , actually , I was just reacting to whatever he was saying .

I was just reacting to every single child saying stop doing that , get your you know , put your socks in the hamper , hurry up You're , you're , you're , you're being slow right now and it's frustrating . I was stuck in my anger , my own anger and my own thoughts . I messed up and that's okay .

What I did is I came back , like I said , and I reflected what could I have done differently ? I always start with myself and I know that sometimes it's hard , especially if it's in a situation , for example , with your partner or a family member , another adult , basically where you 100% know that they should have done something different .

You know they could have said something kinder or been more curious or validated your emotions , sure , but what can you have ? What could you have done in that moment ? What could you have said differently or thought differently or acted in a different way ? Start with you , and then it'll trickle down to those around you , including your kids .

I continued to journal about it that night and addressed my own needs , addressed , you know , and all this , by the way , took about three to four minutes and then let it go , showed myself self-compassion and said it was one of those moments you were feeling overwhelmed and stressed and the moment was done .

The next morning , when my kids woke up , I apologized , and I apologized for having been overwhelmed with having to work that night . I apologized for not having listened properly to what they were telling me and I asked them to you know , for forgiveness , but like to connect with me . But like to connect with me .

I took some time with them , connected with them , read a story and , just you know , connected with them . That's what they want at the end . That's what we want as adults too . If we get in an argument with somebody , we want connection . We want to feel connected to them after that argument is done .

Our kids want the same thing , and the moment that was for them in terms of learning . I told them that it was okay to kind of shake me out of it and say hey mom , you're not focusing or hey , mom , you weren't listening to what I was saying In that moment , I would not have gone mad at them . I know that .

I know I had to snap out of it when I realized my child was dysregulated , but if they would have helped me in that moment or not , no , I don't expect them to help me . However , I told them that they could have said mom , you're not listening , and I would have been . You know , oh shoot , I'm so sorry , I didn't realize .

Yeah , I want them to know that we are working together and that we support each other and that when my child was dysregulated , I told him I could have helped you out of it , but it was too late because he was mad at me and it was justifiable . How often do we , as parents , kind of step back and say was my child's behavior misbehavior because of me ?

Did I create something X amount of minutes ago , or an hour or two ago , or this morning that led to them feeling a certain way and getting stuck in that emotion or feeling dysregulated ? Did I not validate their emotions or did I make them feel unsafe ?

Or were they not feeling seen , which one of those could have possibly contributed to my child behaving this way .

One thing I do almost guarantee I don't like saying guarantee , so I'll say almost is when we start noticing our role , then we can have a little bit more influence or control over what we are saying , how we are listening or not listening to our kids and how we are reacting or behaving around them .

And the more control we can have over what we are doing or saying , we start to have a little bit more influence not necessarily control , but some influence over a child's emotions and behavior .

I hope that this story helps you in the next moment where you might be dysregulated or feeling stressed , overwhelmed or stuck in an emotion from something else , where you might become more aware of the environment that it's creating for your child .

When that environment becomes hostile or chaotic or not safe for your child , even if you're not doing anything necessarily that would lead to them not feeling safe , their nervous system can switch to that fight or flight and by us being more aggressive with our terms , our words or our tone , that changes the way that or the how they feel safe in that environment .

So if we can become more aware of it , then we have a little bit more influence . And you know , part of all this also , when I was journaling , made me think of the internal family system . So you know , this is a psychotherapy , a model of psychotherapy that was developed by Richard Stewart , and it's designed primarily for premarital or marital couples .

But it recognizes that we each contain an internal family or these sort of distinct parts , and that by treating these parts with curiosity , respect and empathy it expands our capacity to heal .

And for me , also , feeling very overwhelmed and anxious in certain moments , I've learned to kind of become curious about it rather than feeling guilty about the way that I am .

And it doesn't mean we're not changing anything , but I just feel that as a society we're often stuck in thinking about how to completely change , and part of what I do through the reflections is not just about change . You know there's growth and through growth there is change . But through growth I think there's also acceptance .

And next week , in next week's episode , I am still over the moon that Dr Kristen Neff is joining me , so I had the opportunity to interview her and she if you don't know who she is is the self-compassion person researcher . She has an amazing book as well Self-Compassion and I had a lovely conversation with her and I think that this ties into that as well .

Right , it's that accepting parts of who we are and just being okay with that , and I think that that helps us grow so much .

So I hope that this story helps you feel seen , if you've been stuck in these moments , and it's not about the guilt , it's just about the awareness and taking time to reflect and learn and develop the skills that you need to support your child , but , most importantly , the skills that you need to support your emotional and psychological well-being .

I hope you all have a lovely and beautiful week this week and I cannot wait to share next week's episode with you . Stay tuned for that . Make sure again that you are subscribed . If you're not , press that button now . Don't forget and send me a rating and review . And come say hi at info at curiousneuroncom .

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