Thriving During the Holidays: A Parent's Guide to Emotional Health and Boundary Setting

I think there's so much parenting advice out there and I touch on that , obviously , but a big part of what I do is talk about emotional health , which is that precursor or that sort of preventative piece to our mental health . So I think it's really important for us to know that today's a solo episode .

So if you were expecting an interview , I'm sorry , it is the last episode of the year and as well , it is the last episode of season five . I cannot believe we are going into season four in one week . Season four I'm going back , I'm going back episodes . We are going into season six next week and I already have the next few months lined up for you guys .

And I cannot believe who is coming on this podcast or who came . I interviewed them during the fall and these are really big names and people that trust what we're doing and what I'm sharing . So I'm extremely grateful for that . In two weeks , we're going to be speaking with Mark Brackett .

Dr Mark Brackett from Yale University , the author of permission to feel , and I can't even tell you who else is coming . It's incredible . So thank you for being here . If you haven't done so yet , please take a moment to subscribe to the podcast and to rate it and review it .

Everything , or every single person that takes the time to do that , is making sure that the podcast continues . Because I am funded by a university , I want to thank our sponsors the Tanenbaum Open Science Institute here at the Neuro in Montreal , as well as the McConnell Foundation .

It is so important for me to get their support , and without their support , there's no podcast . So you need to take the time to thank them by subscribing , hitting that subscribe button wherever you listen to the podcast and making sure you leave a rating and a review , because it helps them know if it's worth supporting this podcast . The metrics are everything .

So thank you to everyone who has done so and don't forget , you can take the moment to also email me and say like hey , I left you a rating . Here's my name , here's who I am . I love getting to know you guys because , as you can see , I have just recorded the podcast here from my basement and this is what I do .

I don't see anybody , I don't know who you are , but when I get those emails and I know you know a name of somebody , if you have one or two kids , if you're a grandparent , a parent , a caregiver , a teacher , a nurse , whatever it is it just helps me feel connected and I think of you guys when I'm recording .

So thank you to everybody who has reached up . All right , so today's episode is all about your holiday survival guide . I think that holidays are very stressful for most people , parents especially . And , as you know , if you heard last week's episode , my grandmother's in the hospital . She still is in the hospital , but they're done all the testing .

She has been diagnosed with dementia and now we know that she cannot go home . So we have , you know , there's a lot on my mom's plate and my uncle's plate . They're trying to make sure she can get into a retirement home and get find a good home .

And if you are from Montreal , you know that there are no places left in these homes and some waiting lists are months and the hospital cannot discharge them until they find a place . So it looks like she'll be in the hospital for Christmas . I hope not , but that's what it's looking like so far .

So what I wanted to do was talk about , you know , the sort of challenges that we face as parents , and there are three things that I want to talk about setting boundaries , which I only learned late in my 30s .

So if you're in your 20s or 30s , or even if you're in your 40s , like I am , and you haven't , you know , thought about boundaries or it's something you struggle with , stay tuned , because I do want to talk about things that I've learned and started implementing . And then I want to talk about creating a game plan with your child .

I've learned that this makes a huge difference having certain conversations or preparing , you know , for certain things that you know are going to happen . So it's really important that we think about that .

And the third one is embracing who you are as a parent , and we're going to dive a little deep into that one , because I think that it's very easy to start questioning everything that you do as a parent , especially when you're on family and they seem to know it all or have comments or criticisms concerning everything that you do , and I want to make sure that

we address that together right now , today , so that you can go into these family events a little bit more confident and can brush off certain comments perhaps a little bit more easily . If you haven't done so yet , you can follow us on Instagram at curious underscore neuron , and you can visit our website , curious neuron dot com .

Just wanted to make sure that I said that , and I also want to take a moment to thank our sponsors so we have better help as a sponsor Poc Poc and Holste . The links are in our show notes and you can get discounts from all of our sponsors . I'm also the co-founder of the Wonder Grade app .

Wonder Grade is an app that helps parents teach their kids how to cope with emotions . So it's very different from other apps out there in the sense that we have a parent center and a child center . The child center has these animated videos of this cute figure called Ollie this little monster , this green monster and it teaches your kids mindfulness .

It helps your kids relax before they fall asleep , when your child has a lot of energy . We have a section there , a calm down movement section , because sometimes we think it's just about sitting down and giving our child and meditation out that's going to calm them , but they actually need to move in a certain way .

So we know that with Wonder Grade and we've implemented that . But the parent center helps you calm down . Sometimes , as parents , we mean we mean well , but we lose control of our own emotions . So we know that research has shown how important you co-regulating and you being calm is .

So we have a section in the parent app with these audio guides so if you need to step away from your child and you don't know what to do when you step away from your child and you're trying to calm down , you can listen to one of these guides .

If you feel guilty , if you already yelled , if you feel like you're about to explode , there are different guides specifically for that . So give it a try for one week . It's free for a week and then you can get 50% off if you click the link . In my show notes . I was going through the Holstea packs . I talked to you about this last time .

So they have this collaboration with a greater good science center and they have this pack , a toolkit for kids , and they have a toolkit for adults as well .

This is a Holstea company and in this toolkit they have like these cards , and I thought this card would be a good one to talk about during the holidays , where we talk about honesty with kids and I'm not going to go through the entire thing with you .

This is for preschoolers and it talks about having a short conversation about what honesty means in that context and how trust is important because it makes relationships stronger . So being honest means telling the truth and doing the right thing rather than lying , cheating or taking something that isn't yours .

Sometimes being honest isn't easy , even though it can be hard . Being honest shows people that you're someone they can trust and count on to do the right thing . Honesty matters for your reputation and relationships with your friends and your family . And then they have this really cool sort of guide or layout .

I'm just going to block myself for a second , but you could see if you're not watching on YouTube and you're like what did Cindy just show ? It has these three steps . So , first , have a short conversation . Second , set expectations for your child that go beyond asking them to simply you know , by simply requesting to be honest .

It has to be a little bit more than that . So what you want to do is truly break it down . So aim for saying like instead of saying things like . Don't move the pieces of this puzzle while I'm gone , right . So you're setting that clear boundary , but you're not allowing them to kind of explore a little bit more .

What you want to try to do is say what will you do when I'm , while I'm gone , so I will leave the pieces just as they are until you come back , so that ? So you want your child to try to say , like I'll leave them you know the way that they are until you come back , so that we can play the game fairly , something like that .

Anyways , they explain it so much better in this pack , but it's just to show you that sometimes , as parents , we need scripts and we need to guide , and these toolkits are exactly that . So thank you , halcy , for for sending that and for allowing me to collaborate with you . I really respect this company and I know that you guys will enjoy their products .

All right , let's jump into it . So the first thing is , the holidays are difficult and I really have been hearing from a lot of parents who feel overwhelmed with the holidays and lots is going on .

Lots of people are struggling in their marriages , lots of family arguments and not saying everybody is going through that , but I've been getting a lot of those DMS on Instagram and I want to say that boundaries still exist when it's the holidays and I know that sometimes setting a boundary and I say this to my kids I have three kids and I always tell them that

setting a boundary is going to make the other person uncomfortable and that setting the most uncomfortable part for you when you're setting the boundary is being okay with how uncomfortable that person is going to be . Right and it's a reminder for us as parents that it's .

The same thing applies if there's a family event and you know that that family event brings you lots of stress and makes you feel overwhelmed or inadequate , or you know somebody's there that's going to act in a certain way .

You're allowed to set certain boundaries , so the boundary might look like not going at all and that means somebody won't be happy with you and you know it's okay . I know that it might start something , but if it's what's best for your mental health , then you need to do what's best for your mental health .

Also , sometimes a boundary might look like going to that event but leaving early . It might look like going to that event and avoiding conversations with certain people .

You need to really take the time to think of what would be best for you this holiday , and I know that sometimes we feel like the holidays are where we have to kind of throw the boundaries to the side and that they don't matter because we have to be where our grandparents are or our parents are , but we don't really like that aunt or that uncle and we're

uncomfortable with them . There Never allow to set boundaries whatever makes sense for you and what you're able to do .

So I just wanted to remind you about that , and sometimes what I've done is I've prepared , if I know I have to speak to somebody that often says something and it's very difficult for me to kind of set my boundary , because they have this sort of upper hand all the time and they speak a lot and they kind of make you feel bad and then you fall back into

the cycle or this trap . I don't know if this will help you , but I have kind of played out that scenario before it happened again and I've written things down . So I've taken notes , saying like if they say this , I will say that .

That way , when you're in the situation and a little something pops up and you're like , oh , that's similar to what I practiced , you kind of have the script in your mind and you're able to kind of go back to that .

So I just really find that it helps to prepare your boundaries and to almost practice them , because I find that as I was learning how to set boundaries , I would find myself in the situation and I would say , you know , before the situation would happen , I would say , if ever this happens , this is what I'm going to say , this is what I'm going to say , this

is what I'm going to do . And then I would end up in those situations and I would just blank . And it was so hard for me to start establishing boundaries and I only started really working on that when I was about 37 years old . So I mean , I was an adult , well into adulthood , and I still had never set boundaries .

I had never learned this as a child , teenager , young adult . Now I had kids and I noticed that I wasn't setting the boundaries when it was time to set a boundary . I still struggle with it . I would want to pretend that I'm perfect , but I am much better than I was before .

And , like I said , in the moments when you feel like you blank , if you have already gone through that moment , it's like you've already practiced it right . So practice makes perfect . So when you practice it beforehand it makes it much easier when you're in that situation .

So I do recommend that you take the time to write out a scenario and play it out before it happens so that when you're in it you can kind of approach it or address it much more easily . The second point was creating a game plan with your child .

So it doesn't have to be with your child if they're younger , but just take into consideration what your day is going to look like Having three kids . I know that . You know I there's for so many years now . On Christmas Day we would have to go to two different homes . That was so .

That was so hard , but we kept doing it every year and what we did is for us what we , you know on our way to the second home , knowing that our young kids hadn't napped , if they fell asleep in the car , usually my husband would stay in the car with them , even if it's an hour .

I would go into the party with my older child and at least we were there , and they would say like , hey , where's your husband ? Where are the rest of the kids ? And I would say they're resting . We don't want to move the kids . We want to make sure they get their rest . It's usually what we did and it worked for us .

It's kind of like you're setting a boundary , but we also knew that we had to make sure that they took their naps or else the rest of the night would be a disaster on Christmas Day . So that was really important for us .

But try to find a point in your day If you know your child needs to nap , where can you , you know , help them , try to get this rest that they need , and how can you fit that into your day ?

What I mean by kind of having a game plan as well is you know , you probably know your child might have some behavioral struggles if they're tired or if they're hungry and they haven't been fed yet . If you're somewhere and you can't necessarily ask for food , or if you can , but just you , you probably know how the day is going to go .

Try to have this conversation with your child If your child is older , where you can say you know if you're feeling tired or if you're feeling really hungry , don't go grab food off the table , come and ask me Whatever it is that you think you need to establish , but I really do think that it helps when we speak to our child about the day ahead of time ,

letting them know well , we're going to so and so house this morning for brunch and we're going to so and so house for dinner tonight and we're going to stop by so and so house for an afternoon coffee , whatever it is . Just let them know what the game plan is .

If they're older and by older I mean three years old they're not going to remember everything , or maybe they will , but just the fact that you've kind of given them a heads up and when you're in the car you can tell them hey , we're going to so and so house , this person's going to be there , that person's going to be there .

Try to get like a feel in terms of like who they're comfortable with , who they're not . And remember this is something I've been saying for years and so many people say this please , we don't have to force our kids to hug people if they don't want to , if they're not comfortable .

You know , a greeting could be a high from from far , a wave , eye contact , it could be a high five , it could be a hug and a kiss if they want to . But usually this makes other people uncomfortable , and that's their issue , not yours . You have to think about what's best for your child , and it's not about being rude , by the way .

It's truly about knowing what your child wants , and we don't have to force them to do things that they don't want to . So that's another important part , so that's you know when you , when you have that conversation with your child .

That's the kind of game plan that you're I'm talking about , just kind of helping them know what's coming ahead and not just making it like , boom , we're at somebody's house , surprise , look at all these people just having these conversations with them , so that they know what's about to happen .

The third one is truly embracing who you are as a parent , and the reason why I'm saying this is because it is so easy to be put into these situations where people are criticizing you as a parent , especially if you have a young child or even an older one , right , that's on their screens or is shy to speak to people , and you might get comments of why are

they shy ? They're , you know , 13 years old or whatever it is , and it's easy for us to kind of start doubting what we do as parents when your child is having a tension or a meltdown and they're tired and you know this is about to happen and it happens .

Don't be afraid to pull out of that room to ask to go in another room to help your child co-regulate . Try to disconnect as much as possible from the people around you and the thoughts you think they're having about you , and you know what is best for your child . It's you know .

If somebody is talking about like disciplining your child in a harsh way and that their child needs that , and this is not coming from .

This is coming from a place where I know people have been recommended this not myself , luckily , but I've heard people say that when they're with family members , the family member will say , like you should be hitting your , spanking your child , that that child needs discipline . You know so .

You know what's best for your child and if you haven't done this and you don't want to do this and please don't , please ignore their comments ask to go in another room and just help your child calm down If they need to rest . Whatever it is , you you don't change the way that you're parenting because other people are doubting the way that you parent .

So if you follow Kyrsner on and you've been doing for doing so for a while . You know that the kind of parenting that we always talk about is where you balance that warmth and connection with the boundaries and limits . That's not going to change over the holidays .

You're not all of a sudden going to become a parent that just sets boundaries and disciplines all the time and you're also not going to become that parent that is permissive , like do whatever you want , yeah , that's cool , I'm fine with that . No boundaries , no limits . You don't have to change who you are .

And I think when we kind of you know , tell ourselves that before going into a certain situation that comes with the boundaries as well , it just reminds us that , like , we don't want to change for somebody else and that we are comfortable with the type of parent that we are , and that also means that we're fine with mistakes . You might you know you might .

You might get a brunch one morning with some family members and you kind of responded to your child in a certain way and you notice that that didn't work with people around .

So maybe that evening , if you're at somebody else's house and your child has another meltdown , maybe you're going to respond differently and you say , hey , that worked a little bit better now , it's it . That's that's part of parenting . So embrace the mistakes as learning opportunities .

And I know that's hard , especially when you're around people that seem like it feels like all the eyeballs are on you and they're judging you . You really have to let that go .

You know what is best for your child and I have said to some people very kindly and if you know me , you know that I am not the kind of person to snap back at somebody I often respond rather than react . It's what I preach , it's what I talk about and I wouldn't imagine doing anything differently . But it's okay to say thank you for that , that advice .

I'm comfortable with the way that I do it , but I might give yours a try another time , but right now I need to stick to what we're used to . That's a really nice way of telling people to off . Another one is what's the other comment I've said to people ?

It's the closer family that really insist in the fact that you're doing it wrong and they raised you a certain way .

You could always tell them that you really appreciate the way that they raised you , but you're learning how to do it on your own and that they had their chance to make their mistakes and now you want to embrace failure in your parenting and learning from that . And that usually makes people really uncomfortable because it's just I don't think they expected .

I think they expect a certain response from you , a response that's more heated , and when you say something like that , that you want to embrace your failures in order to become a good parent and you trust what you're doing , it's almost like they have nothing to say back . I really recommend that you try it .

It's just so good but I have honestly said these things and it just you feel so good right after . It's just such an amazing feeling to set that boundary and to kind of say that in a very confident way .

Even if you're not in your mind , even if you're not feeling confident , you fake it till you make it baby , and it makes such a difference and , honestly , people kind of step back after because they realize like you're good , even if you fail , you're good and that is the kind of parent I want you to become .

That's the kind of parent I want you to be , and I hope that everything that I share here at Curious Neuron has helped you move into that direction of a parent who embraces mistakes , a parent who knows that they have to show up for their child and a parent who knows that compassion for themselves and for their child truly is a really big part of their

parenting and the curiosity , of course . So that is all I wanted to share with you today , my dear friend . I hope you have a happy holiday , that you have some time not only to spend some quality time with your child . I know that it can be hard for some parents that are home , you know , for the next couple of weeks with their kids .

I get that because I'm home with them all the time , so I know that it can get really overwhelming . But please take a moment to embrace stillness with your child this holiday . We don't have to be running around doing a bunch of activities .

They can be bored , you can be bored with them , or you can just chill on the couch and watch movies all week and eat popcorn and relax and play board games and card games and color together and paint together . Take the time to connect with them , but , most importantly , find a moment to connect with yourself . Take a new journal out .

Next week I'll be talking a lot more about journaling prompts because I want you to start the new year with more reflections . So I hope you're excited about that , but I really do want you to grab yourself a notebook .

You know if there's the holiday sales and all that , grab yourself any kind of notebook and next week , get ready to have a couple of questions that we're going to start the new year off with reflecting who we are as a human , who we want to be as a parent , and how we could align ourselves this year , next year , in 2024 , to become that parent .

That is something we can look back and say well , I did my best and I'm happy with what I did . Thank you for listening to the CuresNorm podcast , thank you for subscribing and I'll see you next time . Bye .