Risk factors for maltreating our children are different in moms and dads

If you do enjoy this episode by the way , i don't want to force you to do it , but if you do , please take a moment to rate it and review it , whether you are on Spotify or Apple podcasts .

What I do here at curious neuron is I share the science around emotional and mental health your child's emotional and mental health and yours as well And I want to make sure that you have all the tools all the science backed tools and information to make informed decisions decisions about your child's early environment that will impact their future , and a lot of that

has to do with us and how we navigate our emotions and how we cope with emotions , so I want to make sure that I cover both you and your child . Today is going to be one of those perhaps uncomfortable conversations for you , or perhaps you know somebody who might struggle with this , or you are questioning whether you struggle with this .

I have to talk about this because there's some research articles out there that just I haven't summarized yet And I needed to dig into this . So it's understanding the risk factors of parental child maltreatment . So what is it ?

You know what sort of risk factors in a parent's behavior , their ability to regulate their emotions , their level of aggressive behavior that leads to a higher risk of you maltreating your child which we might not think of right , We might just like getting to parenting and not really think of what the risk factors are , and I'm going to spoil the ending of this .

It's about how we manage and cope with emotions , emotion regulation skills , which is everything we talk about here at curious neuron , which is what I've been talking about for years , because this is part of what I had studied during my PhD .

I studied mental health and schizophrenia and how it impacts emotional health and how it impacts cognitive health or ability , sorry And I think that it's important that we talk about these risk factors and whether you are not a parent yet or becoming a parent soon , or you have an eight , nine , 10 , 13 , 17 year old child , i really do think that we should think

about this because it reminds us that it's not just about our kids and their ability to regulate emotions , but it's about ours as well , and if we ignore that and if we struggle with regulating emotions , there's a higher chance that we lose control when our child needs us to co-regulate , when our child needs us to become , we might lose control more easily and

feel rage more easily or feel aggressive more easily , and we really do need to think about that . So this is a podcast episode that I highly encourage you listen to . Whether you are a parent , a grandparent , you know you work with children . It's really important research .

The article that I will be discussing , or the publication , is an article up on curiousneuroncom , so you could head on there , and in the parenting section you will see the article called understanding the risk factors of parental child maltreatment exploring emotional or exploring emotion regulation deficits .

You can also search for this online on our search bar or just click the link in the show notes . Before I describe this study , i do want to thank the Tenenbaum Open Science Institute at the Nuro here in Montreal . They support open science , and this is what I do through Keras Neuron .

I want to make sure that all parents have access to research , research that we wouldn't normally have access to , like this research that I'll be talking about today and I really do think that it's important that we hear about it , even if some of them make us uncomfortable or we feel like it's pointing a finger at us , saying we've done something wrong .

That is not the goal of Keras Neuron . I want you to hear it and to say what can I change today in my home ?

or what can I change today in how I'm behaving or how I'm regulating my emotions , and how can I make a change in my child's environment that I know , will you know , lead to a healthy emotional health as an adult , mental health as an adult , how ? these are important things and questions that we need to ask ourselves , and it's I don't want you to feel bad .

We sometimes we don't know anything different if we were raised in a certain environment , if we only saw it done a certain way . Please allow yourself to be kind to yourself . If you had no other way of parenting And you listen to today's episode and you say , wow , i have been doing these things and I feel guilty now .

Guilty means that you care and I want you to take this . You know research And if it's a partner that you need to speak with , sit down together And , obviously , the common goal that you have is to make sure you are nurturing your child's emotional and mental health and their well-being .

So come together with that you know sort of goal and work together and figure out , like , what do you need to do together or individually , so that you can learn how to manage your emotions a little bit better and support your child's development ? And , lastly , if you haven't done so yet , please follow us on Instagram at curious underscore neuron .

You can also follow us on Facebook the same handle And you could join us on our website at curious neuroncom . There are tons of articles that you can read .

There is the academy that you can get PDFs , like our meltdown mountain , which is our popular one , and there's also the parenting bundle that allows you to have the webinars that allow you to understand your background and not your background , but your childhood and your child's behavior and how that's linked to emotions , everything you need to know .

That's based on science , obviously , so all of that is on the website . And , lastly , you could subscribe to this podcast .

I'm also the co-founder of wonder grade , so if you do need help , help , you know supporting your child with emotions and coping with emotions the app is free for two weeks and you can give it a try and offer your child these little exercises , these mindfulness exercises and ways .

There's also a parenting section , so it allows you to learn more about how to support your child , and there's a beautiful character called Ali and he's so cute and you can squeeze lemons with him or paint rainbows in the sky , and it's really important for kids ages three to eight to learn how to do this early so that they can cope with emotions when they get

bigger , as as they grow . All right , so this article by Mira Goli in 2020 . So it's a slight , it's a fairly recent article was talking about , or they were looking at . You know what are the risk factors for a parent , you know eventually maltreating their child .

And if you don't think it's common , well , in 2021 , four million four million reports of child maltreatment were filed in the USA . 90.6% of those victims were maltreated by a parent , and this is the American SBCC . So it reminds us that most often , when a child is maltreated , it comes from us .

And again , it's not to point fingers , it's because sometimes we're overwhelmed , we're stressed , we are overstimulated and we don't even realize the background . Noise and sound and and the mess in the clutter in our home is contributing to our system or brain feeling unsafe . I've spoken about this a lot .

I want you to understand how your brain functions so that you can support it a little bit more , and that helps you support your child . So , knowing how often it happens , we need to question what's going on .

Obviously , there are other studies I've read where elevated stress in a parent leads to higher chances of maltreating your child , but this one looked at something a little bit different , what they wanted to do . So this was a study in Italy .

They wanted to understand , you know , if there are specific reasons a parent might be more at risk of maltreating their child . So this was a study with 186 mothers and 110 fathers . They were given questionnaires to find out how they feel and react in certain situations . So questions ranged from you know , how do you feel about your relationship ?

Are you happy , are you not ? How often do you fight with your family ? Are you confident that you deal with your emotions properly ? How do you control your emotions and your actions ? Because whether you're a child or an adult , your internal feelings and emotions will impact how you act and how you behave on the external aspect of this .

So they wanted to understand how they navigate these big emotions in certain situations . So both mothers and fathers which is what I love about this study were given these questionnaires , and what we found from this study is just truly fascinating to me . So there was a difference between the moms and the dads .

Fathers had a harder time naming their emotions and labeling what they are feeling and using words to describe an emotional experience , whereas mothers had difficulties accepting their emotions and suppressed them more often . Think about this for a second . To me , this was the most powerful finding that I've read in a really long time .

Fathers have trouble being aware of their emotions , while mothers suppress their emotions and don't accept them , and these two factors in the mom , or these factors in the moms and the dads , are what led to a higher risk of maltreating their child . So what does it mean when you're not even being , you're not even aware of an emotion ? right ?

So you might be in a certain situation and your child is doing something that is overstimulating your brain or your brain feels unsafe or dysregulated and you don't even realize it , you're not even aware of that . So what happens is often in these people .

Something happens and it triggers them and you say , well , i went from zero to a hundred and I didn't even realize it . Or the action or the behavior in my child caused me to feel rage , like instant rage . It's not really instant , because we haven't noticed those little micro emotional moments that have been happening throughout the day .

So if our child is doing something and we don't acknowledge right .

So if we think of Mark Brackett's work and he talks about when this is the research based on it , but naming the first step is really naming the emotion and just saying to yourself like this is causing me to feel overwhelmed , or I'm stressed right now , or I'm starting to feel angry and irritated and irritable .

Just acknowledging it allows your brain to say OK , i'm feeling this emotion right now and this is where I'm at , and you could cope with that emotion a little bit better . Because now you should know oh yeah , and I'm also feeling it this way in my body .

And when I feel it that way in my body , you anticipate yeah , when I'm irritated and irritable because of my child or spouse or friend or family member whatever it is , co-worker , doesn't matter Just acknowledging it . Then you can say what are the next steps ? Do I step away ? Do I tell them ? Do I voice that I need to step away from the situation .

You take matters into your own hands .

However , if you can't even recognize that you're feeling irritated or that you're feeling angry or that you're feeling sad , then there will be a moment of outburst , huge outburst , because now your brain's been accumulating this emotion and hasn't been dealing with it and it doesn't know what to do with it , and it just comes out , you know , tenfold so much stronger

than if you were to acknowledge it and recognize it much earlier on . So what they found makes sense . The second one , with moms not accepting their emotions and suppressing them , is kind of similar . Right , so you're aware that you're irritated or that you're mad , or that you're sad or you're overwhelmed or you're stressed , but you're not doing anything about it .

You're trying to pretend to be okay , i'm fine , everything's fine . I need to move through my day . I have no choice . I have to bring the kids to daycare . You know I'm alone when it's dinner time , i have to cook , and they're screaming and you suppress and you suppress . And this is something . Also .

I don't think I spoke about this study on the podcast , but I know I spoke about it on social media . There was this article about positive parenting and it said that this phase of positive parenting is pushing a lot of parents into burnout .

And it's pushing them into burnout because it makes us assume that we have to be happy all the time and that's suppressing our emotions and that is not healthy . Suppressing emotions leads to more mental health issues , more stress . So we don't want to do that . We don't want to pretend that we're fine when we're not . Now I know you might be questioning .

Okay , cindy , sure , great thanks for this information . But I have two or three kids and when I'm feeling irritated I have no choice but to come home and to cook dinner , and there's still bedtime and I'm alone with them and there's nothing I can do . So what am I supposed to do with this feeling of irritation , right ? or this feeling of anger ?

Well , there are things that we can do sometimes when we're more aware of it . So just to give the example of my when I realized after my third child that I was overstimulated around four or five pm , when there was too much noise and too much running around and too much jumping in my arms .

I had three very small kids at that time and I was cooking or preparing dinner , feeling complete rage , heart racing and by the time it was bedtime I had nothing left to give . My cup was empty .

When I started , acknowledging that I had this stimulation , this over simulation , around that time I turned TVs off , i turned the music off , i gave them different activities it was coloring rather than like running around and if they have energy , we'd go outside . I would prepare for that moment , knowing that that would happen and things changed .

If it's bedtime and I noticed that my kids are , you know , full of energy , i find ways that I can take a moment , first taking a bath , knowing it's going to take a little bit longer , but while they take a bath , i can have a coffee in the bathroom and talk with them . It's a little bit different . That works for me .

It doesn't mean that it'll work for you , but we can find ways to release this . you know emotion that we're feeling . Acknowledge this emotion . You can say it out loud . I say it to my kids . I tell them I'm feeling overwhelmed right now . There are too many toys around the house we need to clean up together .

I don't get mad at them for it , but I let them know that the clutter is getting to me and that it's normal , it's okay . When they've been , you know , asking or saying mommy , like you know , million times and it's not even 9am I let them know that I'm feeling a little bit tapped out and we need to sit down and read together .

So we sit together and , you know , even if it's five minutes , we just sit together , some color , some read , i read or I have a coffee and I just take a moment to myself .

We can't get three hours , i know that's the reality , we're parents , but we can get five minutes and we can practice mindfulness in a way that when we have five minutes , it's filling and it fills up our cup and we feel good about it and it recharges us . Recharges us just enough to do what we have to do as a parent .

So that's the whole point of not ignoring emotions and learning how to be aware of your emotions . And this study reminds us how important it is not to skip that step , because that's when parents tell us we're going from zero to 100 .

And I know how many parents are going from zero to 100 because we had recently , with Wonder Grade , we had this emotionally aware parent challenge 350 parents registered to , where dads , the rest were moms , and over 90% said that they were feeling rage most of the time . That is huge . That is a huge percentage of moms feeling so much rage .

But when you think about what I just said not having to suppress their emotions It makes sense . So I don't want you to suppress your emotions . I want you to find little outlets , small micro ways .

You know micro outlets , emotional outlets , whatever you want to call them , but ways that you can remind yourself that you matter and you don't have to power through this day . You can have moments where you tell your child I need a moment right now . This study also found various , you know , characteristics .

So , in addition to the two that I just mentioned that were very specific to moms and dads , there were , you know , wider characteristics that led to parents who were more likely to maltreat their children , and maltreatment is , you know , verbal abuse , or emotional abuse , or physical abuse , which includes spanking and hitting your child , any sort of aggressive behavior

towards your child . So some of the characteristics included not not acceptance of emotional responses , so suppressing their feelings and not accepting them , as I said . Difficulty in distracting and performing alternative behaviors , so having a hard time moving on with work or childcare because of the emotions they're feeling .

So this is another part of emotional intelligence or emotion regulation skills , which is , once you've acknowledged it , how do you move past it ? How do you get yourself out of that funk ? or how do you get yourself out of that anger ?

Lack of confidence in their emotional regulation skills , so not feeling confident that they know how to deal with their emotions and regulate them . So if this is something that crosses your mind , you know it's a good thing to get some help . You know some therapy that will give you some strategies .

Difficulties controlling impulse behaviors when distressed , so having a hard time restraining behaviors like yelling , hitting and throwing when they're upset . And difficulties recognizing emotions , so not being able to recognize , name or label emotions as they come up .

These are such important characteristics of emotional health And if you can identify or see yourself under one of these criteria one , two , three , five of them I was counting on my screen , but there are five If you can recognize yourself or your partner , i really do encourage you to visit the website curesnowingcom and click on parenting .

You will see this article up there understanding the risk factors of parental child maltreatment . Look at this article and read through it and start the next steps . Create a game plan . What can you change in your life ? How can you start these steps ? Can you read permission to field by Mark Brackett ? Can you read emotional intelligence by Dale Dale ?

No , i forget his name , but the book is called emotional intelligence . I will put the link in the show notes . But you know these are all important things . So I just also want to say that if you recognize yourself in one of these factors and you've never done anything to maltreat your child , i don't want you to be upset and scared that you will .

It's important to notice that , to note that these are just some of the traits . There's obviously more Like if you come from a family that you know there was a lot of child maltreatment . There's a lot . And also you can have all of these and still not maltreat your child . Remember that this is a study that is showing some relationships and correlations .

It's not direct . It does , which means just because you have difficulty recognizing emotion doesn't necessarily mean that you will maltreat your child . It's just saying that there's an increased chance . So I don't want you to feel bad about that . Is there anything we can do to help parents at risk of maltreating their children ?

So this is something that we added to the article on our website , and the answer is yes . We found that there were specific dimensions of emotion dysregulation for each , you know , for moms and dads that were predictive of maltreatment And , as I said before , fathers really struggled with emotional awareness and identifying their emotions .

So if we want to help a father , or if you are a father listening to this , you can start by trying to become aware of your emotions and just really , when you feel something inside , or maybe if you really don't , you can speak to a therapist about this , and there's nothing wrong .

A therapist is there to help you learn how to navigate your emotions , and there's nothing wrong with that . We do live in a society where men have to be strong and not display emotions , and we're learning now through research that doing that leads to higher chances of mental health , which is what we see in dads , right .

So we need to be more aware and communicate this more with dads that it's okay to feel and it's okay to have emotions . It doesn't make you weak , it makes you human , and that's what we're hoping . You know , that's what I'm hoping . We can communicate through this research and really help dads understand how important that is .

So there's a process of learning how to you know , recognize your emotions , and I can't go through all of that through this podcast , but really it's important that you do speak to somebody about this .

With mothers not accepting emotions , it's important that we teach them you know mindfulness and not judging an emotion and feeling that you're , you know , weak as well . You know for feeling a certain emotion or that it's ridiculous that you're feeling a certain emotion . Mindfulness tools and self compassion tools .

Kristen Neff has a great book called self compassion that you can read . I will put the link in the show notes . You know this is another important part . Mindfulness You can practice through meditation as well . There are lots of apps that can help with this . I think insight , timer , calm , headspace . You have just .

There's so many ways that you can learn how to be mindful and what mindfulness is teaching you is just coming back to that moment .

So when your brain is feeling dysregulated or not safe , you bring it back to your surroundings and realize , okay , i hear the birds chirping , i can feel the ground underneath my feet , i can feel my chair that I'm sitting on , i can see my coworkers walking around , i'm safe . It's just reminding your brain that you're safe .

So there are lots of things that we can do , but that's what I wanted to cover with you today . That research is such an eye opener and I hope you enjoyed learning a little bit more about this , and that it starts certain conversations , whether it's in your home or outside your home .

That is my goal to share the research with you so that it can , you know , we can create an environment for kids that just helps them thrive . Thank you for listening to the Cures Neuron podcast .

If you enjoyed this episode or other episodes , please take a moment to rate the podcast and send me an email at info at curesneuroncom , and I will , you know , tell me that you rated it , send me a screenshot and I will send you a free PDF as well as a coupon code for the Academy and the parenting bundle , because I want you to , you know , keep doing the

work that you need to do and keep learning about the science that will make a difference for your life and your child . And thank you to two of our you know friends here at Cures Neuron . They've given you discounts that can help you learn more and help your child . Poc Poc is an app that my kids love . It's an open-ended app .

It is soothing , it is not over-simulating . It is the first app my kids ever played . That link and the discount code for a year off is in the show notes . And your mental health matters And if you need help , betterhelp is here for you . Betterhelpcom has a discount code for you . I've put that up in the show notes . You can do some therapy online .

You can choose your therapist , pick exactly what you like in a therapist and meet with them online . It's important for you to start doing the work today to see the differences in your child , your relationship with your child and relationship with yourself as well . All the links are in the show notes . Thank you for listening and I will see you next Monday .

Bye .