How to respond rather than react to your child's behavior

I have a PhD in neuroscience and I specialize in emotions and mental health , and I try to summarize the research around emotional health , mental health , emotional development , emotional intelligence anything that will help you support your child and kind of coach them through their emotions and their development .

So today I want to talk about a book that I've been reading called emotional agility . I only want to talk about a small part of it because it falls really well into something that I've been talking to you about for a little while now , which is taking a pause between your child's action and your reaction .

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It means the world to me , but I've also had some new sponsors . If you haven't noticed yet , they are on in all the show notes . First , I would like to thank our new sponsor , betterhelp , for supporting the curious neuron podcast .

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or what tools , sorry , that you can use when you're feeling dysregulated , and it'll give you the information that you need to support your child through this .

I'm also going to put the link to a article on the CuresNorahcom website , and this article has a free PDF that's going to help you work through what we're going to talk about today , so you can get all of that in the show notes . There's a lot there today , a lot of information . All right , let's move on to today's episode .

I was listening to my Bialyx podcast called the Breakdown , and there was a guest that I've been following for a while . Her name is Dr Susan David . She has a book called Emotional Agility . I hadn't read it yet . I had it in my , I have it in my Kindle and I hadn't started reading it , but I had to read a lot about her and read a lot of her quotes .

What she talks about makes a lot of sense and after listening to this podcast , I knew I had to start reading that book , which is what I've been doing now for about a week . I absolutely love everything that she's talking about and it's all backed by the signs that I've been summarizing for you and talking about .

And there was something that she brought up that was linked to a specific topic that I've been telling you about for a while now , and it's that pause , creating that pause in between your child's action and reaction , and she describes it so beautifully , and the article that I have on my website has an image as well , that kind of breaks down what she's saying .

Parents will often ask me like how do I manage my child's behavior , or how do I stop this behavior , or how do I stop these big emotions ? It's not really about stopping emotions . They're going to happen .

We might be able to give them guidance and help them regulate , to come back down that mountain , right , that peak of the mountain for their emotions , which is what I've been talking about as well for a long time .

I personally think that that question how do I manage my child's difficult behavior should be reframed to give us more of a perspective of our own role in their behavior , and that we kind of are the solution to helping them with their behavior if we change ours first .

So I think we should be reframing that question to how do I manage my own emotions when my child displays this difficult behavior ? If we can do that , then we can reevaluate and reassess our own reactions and realize that sometimes our reactions are causing certain behaviors or reactions in them , because in essence , we don't want to react to their behavior emotions .

We want to respond , and this was something that I learned when I ran that emotionally aware parent challenge through WonderGrade , which is the app that I have . You can try it out for free for a week . You can click the link in my show notes .

I always have a link to WonderGrade , since it is the app that I'm co-founder of , and this helps you and your child with their emotions .

So when we ran this weekly challenge that we had for parents , most of the parents were telling us that they felt that their emotions were going from zero to 100 , or that they had no idea what their triggers are , but felt triggered very often , or that they just couldn't even see it coming when they lose control of their emotions .

So they would lose it very often , and I think that when we are in that sort of situation where we feel like we're losing our control of our emotions . Very often , we need to start thinking of that pause .

I say pause , but Dr Susan David talks about a space , and this space that she's talking about comes from the work of Victor Frankel and she describes it so well .

So during this space , which is very minimal , obviously , you think about your child's behavior , which she would refer to as a stimulus , and think about your response , which is how you are reacting or responding to your child's behavior . Between those two things is a space , a space where you have the power to choose . You have the power to choose .

However , the most difficult part of all this is that your thoughts and your emotions play a very big role in this space .

If , for example , your child doesn't want to leave the park and they're screaming and they're crying and they're running away from you and parents are looking at you , during that space between your child's action or behavior , which is yelling at you and running away , you can respond by yelling at them , trying to catch them , trying to grab them and bring them

towards you , getting frustrated , and that's the zero to 100 .

However , if you become more mindful of that space and realize that there are certain thoughts going into your mind and becoming more aware of that , and there are certain emotions that you are feeling in response to this behavior that your child is exhibiting , then you can start gaining a little bit more control of what your response is to your child's behavior .

Isn't that information so empowering ? As a parent , right ? I know that we go through a lot and I know that we are stressed , we are tired , we are burnt out , we are overwhelmed , but none of those really take away our power to choose during that space .

It's okay to feel tired and overwhelmed , but it doesn't mean that we have to constantly lose control of how we respond to our kids .

And the more that we can start responding to them rather than reacting to them , we will teach them and model how to respond to us , how to take a pause and a moment before reacting to something , whether they are with us or with somebody else .

When we start modeling this and start even thinking out loud to show them how we're creating that space and how we're creating that pause , this will become what they start to do as a child , and I know that they can do this because I've seen my 4-year-old do it . Actually , he was doing it just a little bit before he turned 4 .

There was an episode I believe I spoke about on the podcast where he said it out loud to my other son that he was upsetting him and he felt very frustrated and mad . He stomped away , but then he gave it some thought and came back and said I didn't like what you did with that toy . It made me mad . And they had a conversation .

He took care of his needs in that moment and walked away because he didn't want to do anything worse than yell at his brother , which he didn't , which he used to , but he didn't . And I know that if we continue to model this for our kids , that our kids are going to develop such strong and healthy emotion regulation skills .

So , going back to your child who's running away from you in the sand , trying to get away from you , not wanting to , you know , come home and leave the park we could react to it by yelling at them , trying to grab them and bring them back , like I said , or if we become more mindful of what's going on in our brains and what we're thinking of .

So my thoughts could be I don't have time for this , we're going to be late for soccer and I need to make dinner Now . We need to leave Now . My thoughts could be I'm so embarrassed no , sorry . My thoughts could be I don't have the energy for this and I really don't want to deal with this right now . She does this every time we go to the park .

My emotions around it and my feelings could be I'm so embarrassed that the other parents are seeing me do this and I'm such a failure . They're seeing me fail . It could be . I'm frustrated , I'm overwhelmed , I'm tired , I'm stressed and I don't want to deal with this .

So there are different ways and they mix together , obviously , but there are different ways that we can have thoughts . Sometimes our thoughts are limiting . We're judging ourselves . We might have this intrinsic bias of ourselves that we can never get it right .

Dr Susan David goes through all of these in her book , so I really highly recommend that you read it if this is something you struggle with . But also it just reminds us that some of the like our thoughts are not usually facts .

So , rather than go through this volcano of emotions and thoughts that just start rambling through your mind and are usually negative , how about we change it to naming facts and labeling our emotions ?

I mess up all the time might not be a fact , that might be something you believe , but there might be times that you are at the park and you successfully bring your child out of the park . What did you do differently that moment , or how did you feel that was different ? Or what were your thoughts that might have been different .

You might have been less tired , maybe you didn't have a soccer game that you needed to go home to and get ready for , and that's why you're less stressed .

Acknowledge and validate what you are thinking and what you are feeling in that moment , because we know from CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that our thoughts and emotions impact our behavior , if we can take the time to understand how we are feeling in that moment and that's not 10 minutes of work , it's just literally thinking . You have a thought ? I suck .

I never get my child out of the park . I'm embarrassed . Switch them to facts and validation Facts . Well , I sometimes get her out of the park . Maybe I need to become more aware of what worked . Right now I need to get her out of the park and right now I'm feeling embarrassed because parents are looking at me , but they're judging me , or maybe not .

I'm making that assumption . It's not a fact and even if they're looking at me , they don't know me and this moment is just a moment . It will pass . I just need to get my kid out of the park . So , instead of focusing on this behavior , let me focus on what my child needs . Now I met my needs .

I spoke to myself and reminded myself that I don't fail every single time . I acknowledge and validated my emotions . I'm feeling embarrassed , and that's okay . I don't have to feel bad that I'm feeling embarrassed . Let's just move past this moment and let's just gain control a little bit more of this moment that's causing me to feel this way .

Go to your child and validate their feelings the same way that you just did that to yourself . I can see that you're feeling frustrated , or I can see that you're really mad right now and that you want to leave . I saw that you were having a lot of fun . Look , I need to leave .

We need to leave because we have soccer and I need to make dinner and make sure that you get to soccer on time . What if I give you one more minute to swing ? Or what if I give you two more pushes on the swing or three more slides , you decide . Obviously you are the parent .

You can set that little boundary and make sure that you give yourself enough time to have this moment with them . You can give them a five minute countdown , one minute countdown , whatever works , but make sure you give enough buffer to be able to say this to your child and then say something like but I can't change the fact that we have to leave .

How about we Blank ? You decide what to do . Swing one more time , slide down the slide one more time , walk home together . We could jump over the lines on the sidewalk together . You want to do that together ? Or we can create a story as we're walking . You want to make up a story about , I don't know , a unicorn and a dinosaur , whatever it is .

Try to think of a way to bring your child back to connecting with you in that moment of distress , or find a way to help them regulate . You know it could be . Once we get home , we can have some quiet time and you can color while I make dinner . Anything that works for your child . There isn't a script for that , because every single child is different .

Whether they are neurotypical or neurodivergent , they will be different in terms of what works for them Same thing for us as adults . So find a way to just connect with your child , validate them and their emotions and then continue to set the boundary . But we need to leave , and I'm you know . I can see that it's making you feel bad .

We're going to come back to the park . The goal is not to make them stop crying immediately . That's not what I would define a success . To me , success is your child feeling seen , feeling validated and feeling heard .

They might still cry , they might still be upset , but odds are , if they're feeling those three things , they might give into it at some point or still go against it .

But if you keep repeating the sort of pattern with them where they feel seen and heard and validated , they will feel good about that connection they have with you when they are feeling distressed and they will eventually learn that you are there to set the boundaries , but also you are there to show sensitivity and warmth towards their emotions , which we know is

covered by research so much , and there's lots that shows that the more we can do that with our kids , the more that they can feel connected to us and that helps with their brain development , their emotional development , their mental health and so on . So it's not about giving in . It's not about making them happy either .

It's just about showing them that the boundary still stands . But you see them . That is all , my dear friends . I hope that this episode gives you a bit of empowerment , or makes you feel empowered . The next time your child is having big emotions , think about your own thoughts and your own feelings in that moment first , always start with you first .

If you can regulate yourself and help yourself calm down , you will respond to them rather than react . I hope you all have a beautiful and lovely week . Thank you for supporting the Kierisneron podcast . Make sure you are subscribed to the podcast , make sure you take a moment to rate it and review it . Follow us on Instagram at Kierisneronpodcastcom .

You can also follow us on Facebook and all of that . Visit our website , kierisneroncom . I am grateful that you are here and I know that you are rocking it as a parent . I will see you next Monday . Bye .