How my grandpa Roger taught be to be resilient

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I want to share a story with you that is a really important story that I happened to share with my kids recently and it kind of started the whole conversation about resilience and what that is and growth mindset , and it's really important for me to share with my kids that we can't expect everything to be easy , and I have one child in particular that's really

struggling with a challenge right now and it's so much easier not to do it . It's so easy not to put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable . It's a particular extracurricular activity that he wanted to join and now that he's part of he doesn't want to be part of .

Obviously , we've asked him you know , questions to make sure that he's safe in that environment and he is .

He just doesn't feel like doing it and you know there's a little bit of worry about being away from us as well , so we've tried really hard to support him around that and it led to me telling him the story about my grandpa , roger , and I'd love to share the story with all of you , because I think that this story is not only a story that we can share

with our , our kids , but it's a reminder to us as well when it comes to resilience and challenges that we might face . So my grandpa , roger , was very important to me .

So , as many of you know if you've been listening to this podcast for a while I was raised by a single mom and a father who was not involved at all , just to picked up and left , and you know there were consequences emotionally and obviously you know things that I had to deal with through therapy .

But in addition to that , you know what it led to was me building very strong relationships with other men in my family . So my grandfather in particular , as well as my uncle , who both played an extremely important role in my life and were . You know , my uncle is still a very important part of my life and very important to my kids as well .

So my grandfather just to give you a background about him a little bit he's kind of a cool guy .

He was an undercover narcotics detective and he I wasn't there , obviously , when all this is happening , but he would leave for very long periods of time when my mother and my uncle were young , because he would go undercover and be part of these gangs and and join the people that were bringing drugs into our country and our city and province .

He would travel a lot , not always be close to home and he would be putting his life at risk . And this was the first in those days I don't know what the years were , but maybe 60s , 70s , I believe , late 60s and the 70s where he , you know , was putting his life at risk almost every day that he was out and it . You know that .

You know that my mom could attest to this . But it was a very difficult upbringing , you know , not having him around and also wondering about his safety .

But all this to say that he was a really cool , calm and collected human and just played a really big role in me developing the resilience that I believe I have today , which is extremely important for our kids . We want them to develop that . And I easily gave up . I easily gave up . As a child I did not have the growth mindset .

I had a fixed mindset , especially when it came to math and all of that . But there was one day in particular where I was in high school and I had bought , or my mom had bought me , this really interesting kind of mascara that you would , you know , give yourself some highlights in your hair , and it was red and I just thought I was the coolest thing .

And I came to school and people did not think it was cool and I was ridiculed and laughed at and I felt very uncomfortable and immediately wanted to leave the school and I had already been bullied .

I was being bullied , you know , in high school and adding this to me , I wanted to add these highlights because it just made me feel cool and I was trying to be like the popular people .

In retrospect I wish I didn't care about that , but you know I did at that time and I remember calling my grandfather and it was the morning recess and I told him I wasn't feeling well , I told him I felt nauseous and I had an upset stomach and I needed to go home , and so he picked me up and you know we chatted on the car ride going back to his

house and when we got to his house , I said , okay , I'm going to go rest , and he's like well , before you rest , you should really take this drink . And he placed this tablet what are they called ? I don't know what they're called , but the tablet that bubbles . And he was like this will make you feel much better .

And I was like it's okay , I don't need it , I'll be fine , I just need to rest . And he insisted that I drink it and I was like no , no , I'm really sure that if I just waited out , I'll be fine in a couple hours . I just need to go in the room and sleep . And I just really wanted to go hide and cry and not talk to anybody .

But he really insisted and it just it was so gross . It's not the end of the world . I mean , I've had it as an adult , but as a I must have been 14 at that time . To me at that time it was just like this is disgusting , I don't want to do this . Why is he making me do this ? You know , but he knew something was off .

I didn't realize that at that time . So I drank it . I went to bed you know I was happy that I didn't have to go to school , woke up and when I got up he said I have a little lunch for you . I just napped for like 20 , 30 minutes . But when I woke up I remember him saying like not , he didn't prepare lunch , my grandmother did .

But he said then we're getting in the car and you're going back to school . And I remember looking at him saying are you kidding me ? Like I don't feel well . And he said are you better now ? I'm like well , no , I think I'm still like off . He's like I know you're not telling the truth and I wasn't somebody who lies very often and I'm not .

I'm not very good at lying , even now as an adult . I'm not good at poker , I do not have a poker face . But I remember just thinking how the heck did he know ? How do you know ? And he's like I made you drink that because I knew you were lying . And I was shocked that he knew . I mean , I just didn't know how he knew that .

And he's like what happened ? And then I opened up to him and told him about everything that happened and he's like you need to go back to school . And I was like there's only going to be like an hour and a half left to school at this point . Why are you bringing me back ? And he's like because you need to face .

You know what's going on and I don't want you to avoid these situations . Do you think these highlights are cool ? Do you like them ? I was like yeah , it gives my . You know , I have like red hair now . Like I think I'm cool . And he was like then , who cares about what the other people are saying ? And I was like I get that .

Logistically , that makes sense , but please don't put me back in that environment , please don't bring me back . And he was like I love you and I'm doing this because I love you and I want you to go back and face them and you don't have to say anything to them .

But get comfortable being around people who don't agree with you and people who don't think that what you're doing is the coolest thing ever . You don't need them to think that I got in the car . I was absolutely furious with him . We had . My grandfather had never yelled at me In his entire life . He never yelled at me . He never got mad at me .

He was just very stern when grandpa said get in the car . You get in the car . So , driving there , I just remember stopping in front of the school and opening the door and being like this is the worst day ever . And I went to class . There were , I think there were , I don't remember , a period or two periods left , and it wasn't that bad .

Nobody else said anything and I went back home and called him and said what was the point of that ? Nothing else happened . He's like exactly . He's like you needed to go back . Maybe somebody or a couple people in the first class you had didn't like it .

But in the end , as long as you like it , you have to get comfortable with people not liking what you're doing or saying , and I am forever grateful for my late grandfather , roger , for what he did that day .

As much as I was so upset with him that day , it has led to me being very comfortable with criticism , very comfortable being in front of a lot of people and not having to overthink things , not having to wonder if they like the way that I look . I have that kind of confidence , I guess .

And obviously there are moments as an adult where I wonder , or you have moments of panic or anxiety or worry , and that's okay . But that story , that story that day , really changed the outcome of the way or the way that I was dealing with certain situations and that's why I wanted to share this story with you .

Maybe there's something in your child's life that they are struggling with , that they don't want to deal with , and it's very easy as parents , because we love them and we want to protect them it's very easy for us to make that bad feeling go away .

But when we place them in a situation that we know , as parents , is safe but uncomfortable , that's where the resilience begins to grow . That's where the resilience , you know , shapes itself .

And it's those moments the ones that they won't like , the ones that will make us feel like we're really shitty parents that in the end we'll build that character and they will thank us one day .

So thank you , grandpa Roger , for that moment , for that day where I just was not your friend and not happy with you , because today I'm able to put myself and place myself in certain situations , and that has allowed me to do what I do today . I also think that as parents , we also avoid certain situations with our kids that are uncomfortable .

So if we know that our child is going to have a tantrum or a meltdown or very big emotions around a certain situation or transition , sometimes we avoid it .

Or if we know saying no to our child for something will lead to very big emotions , sometimes we avoid it and I think that , as parents , we have to remind ourselves that those uncomfortable moments are important for them , those moments when they don't want to hear no , they really want that chocolate or that cookie before they go to bed .

Those are the moments that will shape them and support their emotional well-being and their mental health as they get older . We don't realize it , but they really are significant moments .

So if we can be by their side and coach them and support them through the unpleasantness of those emotions , that's what will help them build their resilience and that's what will help us build our resilience as well . We will gain more confidence as parents if we can put ourselves in situations and support our child .

It doesn't mean it's going to be easy , right , if our child is having very big emotions around us saying no to them for a certain situation . Let's use that example of a cookie before bedtime .

If we know that every single night before they go to bed , they ask us for that cookie and we say no , and we know that they always have really big emotions around that and it's just so frustrating as a parent . It's annoying , you're tired , you want them to go to bed , so it's easy to give in .

Not giving in again , making sure it's something about nothing , about safety , and it's just a what do they need ? And there's nothing more serious than that .

If we don't give in and we manage to coach them through their emotions and calm them down , I guarantee you that , that feeling of empowerment and knowing that you are their leader and their pillar other leader but their pillar you will feel that confidence . After that moment , you're like , yeah , I did that .

Yeah , and I think it's really important for us to have those moments as parents . It's like those small wins and those small dopamine hits that just allow us to feel good about what we're doing as parents , because we don't get many of those moments .

So I do think that grandpa Roger has taught me how to navigate these very difficult moments with my kids , but how to navigate those moments myself as an adult and as a parent , and that I can't Move away from those uncomfortable , really uncomfortable , unpleasant moments , and that's what builds my own parental resilience , which there's research around , by the way .

So that's what I wanted to share with you today . I hope you enjoyed the story of grandpa Roger . I Hope you're well . I've shared on social media that many people I've just . January has been a little bit heavy .

I've been getting a lot of emails from parents that are truly struggling right now and and lots of parents reaching out to me asking about divorce and how to you know , go through this very Thoughtfully and mindfully with their child Just a lot .

So I don't know if you are listening to this and also having a really difficult , you know , beginning of the year of 2024 . If you are , I'm sorry and I wish I can give you a hug . I know that it's not easy and we all go through very difficult moments , but it's not easy when we're stuck in that moment and feel like there's no way out .

So , if you're driving listening to this , if you're walking and listening to this , make sure that you take the time to acknowledge what you're going through and give yourself a hug and try it honestly , I'm serious give yourself a hug .

I can't give it to you , so I'm telling you to give yourself a hug from me and I hope that you have a beautiful and a wonderful week . I will see you next Monday . Bye , everyone . Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and come follow me on Instagram at curious underscore neuron and visit the website curious neuron calm . Thank you everyone for being here .

Bye .