This is an unpopular take for a lot of people , but if you have children , Rach and I strongly feel like you have to prioritize the relationship even above your kids .
Hello , dear friend , welcome back to another episode of the Cures Neuron podcast . My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host . Cures Neuron is all about bringing you the science that is focused on helping you protect your child's emotional health .
Sometimes it has to do with us as the parent and how we could work on our own emotions , and sometimes it has to do with skills that we can offer our kids . In today's episode , i want to focus on emotions within a relationship , because how we model emotions and emotion regulation and having conversations that are heated will impact , or can impact , our child .
Who's watching and listening ? I have brought in two very important people that I have learned so much from on Instagram , and they are both licensed marriage and family therapists with a combined 20 years of experience in the field of relationships and marriage .
But before I introduce them , i do want to thank the Tanenbaum Open Science Institute at the Neuro here in Montreal for supporting the Cures Neuron podcast . Without them , this podcast literally would not be possible , and this also depends or the funding and the help that I get from them also depends on you .
So thank you for listening to the Cures Neuron podcast , for taking the time to rate it and review it if you've done so And if you haven't done so yet , please do that . It does make a big difference .
It helps the algorithm know that you care and it pushes the podcast higher so that more people can listen to it , and it means the world to me when you do that , because I would like more people to hear about the science of emotional health . If you haven't done so yet , you can take a moment to follow Cures Neuron on Instagram .
Curious underscore , neuron is the handle . You can also visit the Cures Neuron website at CuresNeuroncom . You have a bunch of blog posts available on the website And you also have the Cures Neuron Academy where you can purchase PDFs like Meltdown Mountain , which is our best selling PDF .
It has a visual for your child so that if they are struggling with emotions , you can print this and help them understand that emotions can be like a mountain And sometimes you start climbing this mountain and you need to be aware of when you are climbing this mountain .
We also have some webinars that I've given that are now up on the website and you can purchase the webinar . And you have the Better Me , better Parent workbook , which is 144 pages that helps you work on the relationship with yourself and your relationship with your child . So all of this is available on the Cures Neuron website And you have the podcast list .
So if you're looking for a specific episode , it is much easier to search for the podcast episodes on our website than it is on the Apple Podcast or Spotify . And lastly , some of you may know that I am the co-founder of WonderGrade , which is an app for kids that helps them regulate their emotions .
So if you have a child that's between the ages of three and eight , you can test the app for free for two weeks , where you can learn with Ollie , and Ollie helps kids with mindfulness and meditation and calming down before bedtime , which is our most popular part of the app , because sometimes our kids have lots of energy and we see that as misbehaving , but it's
because they need to regulate their system And this app helps children with that . There's also , by the way , a parent center on that app because , as you know , i always want to make sure that parents are informed . There are little audios five minute audios that you can listen to .
That will help you understand your child and help you parent them in a way that you've always envisioned . Alright , so today I am chatting with Rachel and Stacy . They are the founders of Decoding Couples . This is an Instagram account and now a podcast . By the way , that was started during the pandemic .
They , like I said , are both licensed marriage and family therapists , and their Instagram account offers you reels that are just so simple to understand and start applying . They want to help you communicate with your partner .
They want to help you break unhealthy patterns that you have , and I was really looking forward to having this conversation with them because I do think that it's something we all need to work on And , as I said in the interview , i remember getting married and people telling me , like you know , the key to successful marriage is really communication .
All you have to do is communicate . Sure , okay , i was a newlywed for a couple hours and coming into this marriage with the idea that all I had to do was know how to talk , which I know how , but I didn't really know how to listen .
I've been learning that now , 14 years later , that I need to learn how to listen a little bit more and understand the needs of my partner . And you know , wasn't trying to do it on purpose , i just wasn't realizing I still have lots of work to do in my marriage for myself .
And what I love about what we've done my partner and I , my husband and I the past 14 years is really keep a strong connection . That is something that you know . We've worked on really hard . And , of course , during the pandemic , there were shifts . It's , you know , always learning how to reconnect . So , without kids , we connected a certain way .
After one kid , we had to relearn how to do that . And then , after two and three kids , we had to relearn every time how to reconnect with ourselves .
And now , during the pandemic or not now , but before we had to do that again we were in the same home every single day , and we still are , with three kids , mind you , that are all in the house of five people in the house all the time . And my work schedule is really crazy . He works during the day , i work at night and on weekends .
So that has been part of the relearning something new , but it is important to keep doing that . So I hope you enjoy my conversation with Rachel and Stacy . I will see you on the other side . Hi everyone , welcome back to the Cures Neuron podcast . As I said , today I am here with Rachel and Stacy . Welcome both of you ? Hi , i have .
I cannot tell you just not how excited people were on Instagram , but my friends , they don't want to wait until I release this episode . I have to call them tomorrow to let them know what we spoke about . That's how excited they were about today . I can't even imagine .
You know , i've been talking about kids and how stroke , how parents have been struggling with their kids , but I think , even more than that , i think couples have been struggling the past couple of years and it's nice to have people like you guys out there giving us some comfort you know that what we're experiencing could be normal And also giving us a lot of
insight and tips . What has been your journey with social media and putting this information out there and how it's received ?
Where do we even begin ? I mean , i don't think Rachel and I had any idea what we were getting into . I really think that's fair to say , but it's been awesome .
I mean , we love , we love our community , we love being able to , you know , not only share our expertise and our education around tips and tools that are tangible , but also we get to share our own experiences and be quite , quite real and quite , you know , humble , have humility , as we are kind of going through these various stages .
These last few years have been hard on relationships and we are no different . So , yeah , it's been , it's been a journey .
It has an . Even following you and trying to understand our relationships through your relationships is really helpful , and that's something I try to do with Kiersten Neuron is share also my parenting journey , my failures , my successes , my difficulties and challenges , because I think it helps parents feel normal And I think that's what you guys help us do a lot .
There's something that you've posted about and , given that I focus a lot about like emotional learning , i wanted to start with that . You talk about emotional intimacy and reevaluating that in one of your reels . What is emotional intimacy and what do you mean by reevaluating it ?
So emotional intimacy is that ability to be feeling like very vulnerable , seen , transparent , authentic and like being able to share that with , like a chosen person . And so when we don't have that , relationships suffer . But I think it's assumed that you automatically have it . It's something that is constantly ebbing and flowing throughout life . It is not a guarantee .
You have to work on it , you have to add to it . And then also , there are many things that you know erode it or make it you know , not as present , for example , parenthood , having children , stressors at work , mental health , I mean , you name it .
So emotional intimacy is really this like space and connection between you and your person or persons where you are able to feel that way , that vulnerability , that authenticity , that safety . And then , when it's not there , though , we really see it be a big part , probably a big element on why relationships start to break down .
So I've spoken about emotional safe spaces for our kids and the feedback I get on that is parents don't know how to create this for their child because they've never experienced it .
I'm assuming it's similar in relationships , right , i'm thinking of just of my own upbringing that it was not an emotionally safe space And even if in my partner's life and friends that I know , even if they were brought up where they felt comforted by their parents and that emotions were accepted , they still weren't shown how to express emotions and how to cope
with them , which led to some sort of feeling of not feeling safe . I guess . in the end , how do we deal with that when we have a partner who has never experienced it or doesn't know how to offer it to us ? Where do we begin in that sort of journey ?
I think it's important to note that if you have a partner who maybe doesn't have the same level of emotional intelligence or openness or a skill set that you have first off , you cannot create that for them or will them .
to want to get that , They have to be able to take that responsibility themselves and learn the tools and look at the things that have led to these patterns . Now what we can do as partners and what we can do as parents is be a safe space ourselves and be aware of how we are showing up in the public .
I don't even know that it's as important to be as perfect in communication , like in front of your kids or with your partner , all the time . What's more important that we talk about that creates a safe space is how you repair when that communication goes awry or when you make mistakes .
How are you repairing with your partner and how are you modeling repair for your kids ? love the little eyes that are watching to know we can make mistakes and it's still okay and we can still be emotionally connected .
That was the most common question I received on Instagram when I said I was going to chat with you guys . It was parents concerned that they're arguing too much in front of their child and wondering if they're damaging their child in quotes , and also parents wondering what should arguing look like in front of a child . What are some healthy habits we should adopt ?
So , from what you just said , we should be focusing on the repair , but what happens during the argument ? Are there certain things that we should be aware of and how we communicate ?
We just actually recorded that . We recorded an episode earlier today . We were just talking about it .
There are fair fighting kind of elements that need to be present in any kind of like high tension or conflict or miscommunication that we think that it's been really normal eyes to have a certain level of respect and even verbal or emotional abuse going on , and then our kids or anyone really around it also then think that that is normal .
And so some of those basic tenants are , first and foremost , like fair fighting is respect . If you cannot maintain respect , so that looks like not swearing at each other , not interrupting each other , not talking over each other .
When we're doing those things , we are communicating that one we're not listening to , we don't value the person that we're talking to , and three that were possibly , you know , using it to make them feel a certain way like control . And so again , we all get hot , we all have tension . Like no one is perfect .
I'm not sitting at home having like a very calm and cool , regulated conversation with my husband all the time , like that's not happening . I know , i know , hard to believe and we are maintaining respect . We are really watching kind of those like markers .
So even if you didn't grow up that way , even if you've never had a model for it , even if you struggle with it , if you can maintain some of these tenants , you can really kind of start to shift that .
And you know , again we hear it all the time like well , you know , i just said like you're a bleep in whatever , or you know , i was just telling her she's crazy when she acts like that . No , no , no , those are all going into like abusive territory that we normalize in society .
So those are just some really easy ways that you can make conflict or fighting fair and keep it respectful and healthy while still showing kids really healthy , normal disagreement .
And if you slip up because , like Rachel said , you know I make a mistake from time to time to is taking accountability for that , acknowledging your behavior , teaching your kids and teaching your partner that you can say , wow , i really just said something . I didn't mean that was unfair . Can I have a redo ? or what do you need from me ?
do you need a little bit of space , like let me apologize and you let me know when you're ready ? There's ways to still make it safe even when we mess up , and modeling that accountability for our kids is major . We don't just make mistakes and walk away . We don't just say something mean and think it's fine .
When we say those things , we catch ourselves and then we repair for it .
I remember when I got married , 14 years ago now , parents or people telling me you know , all you need is good communication and you'll be fine . And coming into marriage is like okay , so I just need to talk about it , just talk about whatever it is . And it took a long time to realize I needed to learn how to listen a lot better than I was .
I was good at talking , but it wasn't good at listening And I had to learn that . When I think of people arguing and friends conversations I had with friends , we do talk about how hard it is sometimes to listen when you're trying to say you did this and it made me feel a certain way .
And we hear a lot about like saying that , not pointing the finger at the partner and kind of saying like I feel this way , but sometimes deep inside of your like you did this or you said this and you know like , so how do we keep that in mind ?
so , first , the way that we're talking to them when we're trying to say like you did this or said this and I don't agree with it , without pointing the fingers or maybe you do agree with that , i'm not sure . But then also , how do we work on our listening skills ?
Where do we start with that one ? How do we work on our listening skills ? I don't know . Rachel can give me advice on that one I'll listen into . I agree that we can't . You know , coming at somebody you made me feel a certain way or you made me do this is definitely not something that we want to do . We do want to try to lead with .
I think that's like a very basic principle that even though it is basic and sounds simple , it's really really hard and it's going to be a very basic practice and repetition to , when you are heated and your partner hurt you , to not say you did this , but to be able to say I'm feeling really hurt , that this happened and this is what I'm needing .
10 out of 10 times healthier conversation is going to come from math and say you did this or you made me feel this way . But again , i think even to what we were saying before , like we can all know this principle and that technique , but then putting it into action can be really hard and it's going to take time .
So when you do lead with the you or say you made me feel this way , or blaming or getting defensive or whatever , it is , taking responsibility for that regulating yourself and trying again , and in that you are practicing yourself that scale , but you're also still maintaining some semblance of a safe space between you and your partner .
What happens when you are ? you yourself are good at saying you made me or I feel this way . you know , because of what you said or that action made me feel that way , But you never get that from your partner . They never . they are always OK .
They're not expressing how they're feeling in that moment And it's hard for you to even support them because you don't know what they're thinking or feeling . How can you help that type of partner open up a little bit more ?
That's hard . We talk a lot about how it's not your job , right to regulate or or do the emotional work . We see a lot in heterosexual relationships especially . We see a lot of women doing a lot of the emotional lifting and the emotional work with their male partners And so I'm always kind of hesitant to be like here .
You should do this to help your partner come out of their shell , because a lot of times we see resentment come later or we see like a parent child dynamic start to kind of get replayed . And I will say it is important to have curiosity without feeling like you are the teacher or needing to kind of do that .
So , to your point , I would probably say something like hey , what would it , what would it take for you to open up right now , Or what would it , what would , what would need to be different , or in order for you to share a little more with what you know you're feeling nine times out of 10 , you're probably not going to like your partner's answer , because
it's probably going to mean that you know if I'm in this relationship and my partner is quiet or shutting down or saying everything is OK , it means I need to back off , It means I need to not ask so many questions . It means I need to give them space .
So you know to everyone that's listening , also , be careful with what you wish for , because a lot of times when we're doing this work to stay regulated , like Stacey is saying and like use the I statements not use someone else's behavior to describe how we feel And then we get curious and we're like , hey , what would be really good ? right now ?
We often don't like what the other person is going to say , And that's not because it's bad , but that's because it's uncomfortable . It's not what we're usually doing , but that's where the change needs to happen .
Which part of that falls into the work that that person who asked the question what kind of work do they need to do to be able to be more receptive to that ? That answer . I just think of this dynamic between parents and kids . I spoke to a mom a couple of weeks ago and she gave her daughter the safe space to say I'm mad at you .
So her eight year old was able to say like you did this and I'm mad And the mom took it in because she's been , she's going through , you know , to therapy and really working on herself so that she can create that emotionally safe space for her daughter . I'm thinking of that sort of dynamic and that sort of safe space in a relationship .
You can't just do it today , right ? I think it takes a lot of work . What can somebody do to be able to receive that sort of answer ?
I think being intentional about those conversations is really important . If you know that your partner struggles to emote or talk about how they're feeling , then probably like flippantly saying you never open up what's going on with you , right As a reaction , more than like a very intentional response Like this . there's a really big difference between those two .
And if it's intentional , like curiosity , like Rachel was saying , to say like hey , like what could you need from me ? Then you got to make sure that you were in the space before even initiating that conversation , making sure you were calm , making sure you can say to yourself , all right , i might hear something , but I don't want to hear .
Am I really open to doing that , or am I just asking to ask ? Like I think it's having that kind of reflection beforehand and then starting that conversation intentionally and then practicing all your wonderful skills to stay calm if what you hear is triggering .
You know , I think back to even myself , like we had three kids now , but after the first and mostly after the second , you're overwhelmed . You have , we had two very young kids and I know this is common where after you have a child it's very difficult in the relationship .
What sort of advice in those moments , you know , can you recommend for parents or new parents to come out of those moments where you feel that you're not connected to your partner , you don't feel , seen , it's all about the child and you're completely disconnected from them ?
As somebody who has a six month old and a four year old doing that transition right now , with a kid who literally doesn't sleep , i can relate to that space and something that I did that I would encourage everybody to do And I know Rachel was like so happy that I did this is last weekend .
I literally just went to a hotel by myself and got away for about like maybe 30 hours It honestly wasn't even a full two days Me taking space and prioritizing myself and prioritizing being able to hear my own thoughts and to be able to sleep and to not be needed and to not be touched and to not have to plan all of that stuff .
I think it was one of the best things I could do for myself and one of the best things that any partner that is feeling that overwhelm can do . If you're trying to make space to turn towards your partner , to turn towards the relationship and to turn towards your kids , because if you're burnt out , if you or fried , it's most likely not going to happen .
So you have to prioritize yourself first and foremost , which I think is very counterintuitive to a lot of moms especially who have guilt around that , but for any partner really .
I love how you're bringing up the us first right , because the question was about the relationship . But this is the same thing that I kind of recommend with parents too .
If you're struggling with your child's behavior , start with working on yourself first and taking that space so that you can respond differently , right and a better kind of so it works the same way in relationships . Yeah , you said the word Rachel .
You said resentment , and I'm thinking of some parents that write to me and say I want a parent a certain way and my partner wants to parent a very different way . Usually what I hear is from a parent who's more strict , who's being more strict , and the other parent is not comfortable with that .
That starts to create a lot of arguments and resentment towards the partner that they're not parenting the way that the other one envisioned they would parent . How do we have this conversation ? I always tell them that you don't have to parent the exact same way . But what can you add to that to help kind of that conversation happen with them ?
I think I don't really make a lot of women very happy with this answer .
It doesn't need to be your way when you are picking the parenting I think I watch a lot of , again , mostly heterosexual relationships , a lot of women being pretty overtly controlling and anxious about needing to parent a certain way , and all that we're doing is really disempowering the parent that we're saying we want to parent the way we want to parent .
We're literally working against each other , and so it's very hard when you are not , if you're not , coming into it with a we or trying to understand why maybe your other partner wants to parent a certain way . I see a lot of one partner in particular being like well , this is what's really important to me . I've done this research blah , blah , blah .
And then they're just the other voice of the other parent is not there , and so I would really again sticks that curiosity kind of think about maybe , what is going on for you that you feel the need to be a right kind of way of parenting . Why does there need to be this one model ? What could blending look like ?
What are the benefits of having different parenting styles in your home ? And I think that again , there's a larger right pressure on women especially to be the ones that are making these decisions about parenting styles bottles , sleep , whatever it is And I do think it really harms the relationship overall and it just empowers the other person .
I'm glad you brought that up because I do know of a handful of moms that have written to me that refused their partner to participate in anything when it came to parenting at the beginning , mostly because they felt that they wouldn't do it the same way that they wanted to do it .
Dads weren't allowed to do bath time because it was a certain way and there was a certain routine . Dads weren't allowed to stay alone with their child because the mom was afraid that he wouldn't parent the way that she does if the child misbehaved .
So I think it's really important that we bring that up , because we have moms and dads that are listening to this podcast And I'm sure there are dads out there that wanna be more involved but can't And on the other hand , I have heard from moms who have partners who don't participate at all and just disconnect completely after having a child .
So I think it's important that we mention that both of these situations can happen . What happens when you do have a partner ? that you have your child and they're not involved , and it becomes that cycle of argument of trying to get them to participate in parenting and they're just not interested .
It's a tough dynamic , so I think that there's one .
I think that can be very common And , like Rachael's saying , in heterosexual relationships , where , like a dad checks out and then the mom is like pushing and fighting and almost then seeks on a little bit more control , probably because they feel like they need to , that they are doing everything , but again that pushes them their partner , maybe even like a little
bit that they wanna be involved away because they feel incompetent or they feel like they're gonna be criticized or whatever it is up to her standards . If that is not the case , though , i think the parent , who is more involved , has to decide what they are , what they are okay with .
Are they okay with the parent not being involved , and maybe that works for them and they are okay to do it solo , and it doesn't feel good , but like they're willing to take it on or they might have to decide like , all right , sink or swim , like I gotta get out of here .
So you have to do some things by yourself , and you almost have to like force the issue or force the circumstances to see how the person steps up , and again , it might not be done the way that you want it to get done , but at a certain point you can't make somebody be engaged , or willing .
So you're saying , have realistic expectations of who your partner is showing you they are .
Yeah , you gotta believe what they're showing you and then decide how you wanna handle it .
what she said Yeah , and you know , there's so many parents that I know , and even people who aren't parents yet , that are trying to change their partner and saying , like you know , they speak to me , they're rude when they speak to me , or they do this and they do that , and I know they'll get better , or one day , when we have kids , you know they'll be
maybe kinder , they'll participate more in the home . In case those of you that are listening from the podcast and not YouTube , they're both shaking their heads Right and we can't . And is that something that is very common , where you're just not happy with your partner but you try to change them and then things just get worse ? Spoiler alert yeah .
Yeah , and it's not easy , You know . now that we've spoken a bit about like some tips to help parents , i do wanna take a moment to talk about when things aren't going the way that we always envisioned as a parent . You know you touched on the language and respect in an argument .
Again , i do get lots of emails from parents who have relationships that are not healthy And it's hard for me to offer advice for that because that's not my field . But what are some signs that this is not a healthy relationship ? And then I guess the next question after that will be parents who are navigating or going through a divorce .
how can they keep it in a way that's safe or okay for the child ? you know , when we think about like what they're seeing . So let's start with signs that things aren't going well .
It's hard right Because I think again what we talked about earlier , a lot of our society has normalized I you know we talked about this a lot like pretty abusive behavior . So we hear a lot well , nothing got hit or like no one broke anything . And that is when someone says something is unhealthy or toxic or abusive .
But real warning signs are if you feel like you're hiding parts of yourself , you feel like unsafe , if you say something wrong or do something wrong .
You know if you feel like you're constantly holding your breath , if you're fearful a lot , if you notice you're really anxious , you're really depressed around your partner And then maybe you feel relief when they're not there , and then they're just like signs that I think just don't get as much attention as they should , such as like degrading language , belittling ,
weaponized incompetence is finally getting a little more air time . You know even how we said earlier like to be explicit , like you're so fucking crazy or you're such an asshole , like overt , like I'm not saying I've never said that as a one-off or out of anger , and that's not okay .
But when you start to use that to control a partner , to degrade them , to get them to behave a certain way , control is another big part of unsafe relationships If your partner is trying to influence . You know who , you see who you hang out with your hobbies , how you dress , how you spend money , and then they're also like highly critical .
I mean like we could go on and on and really you wanna look at frequency , chronicity and even like physical symptoms . We see it a lot People are just like their anxiety is through the roof . They're losing weight , hair is falling out , difficulty sleeping .
I mean not that any of these one signs are indicative that you are in an unsafe or abusive relationship , but all of them together , especially over time .
You know , we really encourage you to look at that And there's also no right way to deal with being in an abusive relationship because they are so dangerous And because the individuals that are often being abused have very little supporter resources from , like , larger society , law enforcement .
You know , especially like in major cities like ours , you're not well supported . And so we say all this with these signs and there's absolutely no judgment on the difficulties around leaving , because they can be dangerous and they can be especially dangerous when you have children involved .
Yeah , one term that I've been hearing a lot of is gaslighting , and I think of parents who reach out to say my partners , you know , has these narcissistic traits not necessarily diagnosis , but it's very hard to navigate them and to know how to respond to them . So I'm trying to learn how to , even though it seems to be ruining that person in particular .
And they're just , they feel like nothing they do is correct and they're like walking on eggshells around this person who has these traits , but they're trying to learn how to be with them . Is that necessarily a sign to leave or it depends on how you're dealing with it ? Like , how do you deal with somebody who's expressing these or showing these traits ?
I think that's a really personal answer . No-transcript of how somebody in that situation would handle it . Just because somebody has narcissistic traits doesn't mean you need to like hightail it out of a relationship if you don't want to .
There are plenty of people that stay with partners knowing that they have traits of narcissism , and so that's a very personal and individual decision .
Gaslighting in its truest form of I feel like gaslighting gets a lot of play right now and maybe sometimes gets kind of thrown around in ways that doesn't truly mean like are you just disagreed with me or remember something differently ? So therefore you're gaslighting me ? Well , no , we're just human .
But if somebody is truly gaslighting you , which is trying to manipulate your reality and using it as a form of control and an abuse tactic , that is not healthy .
So , knowing whether you choose to stay or go , if you know that true gaslighting is happening in your relationship , it's going to be building skills so you can feel confident in your own reality , learning things and like great gray rocking right Yeah , for some reason it sounded weird coming out which is where you don't go back and forth with the person who is
gaslighting you . It's very okay . Yep , okay , i know that's how you feel Like you're really just kind of like muting it . There are different techniques that you can do to kind of balance it out And in the range of is that abuse or is it time to stay or go ? Again , that's going to be really individual and really difficult decision .
Moving on to the divorce part . So I know that some moms have reached out and said you know , i'm afraid to go through with the divorce because I don't want it to impact my kids , especially if the kids are very young . So they waited a long time .
What can a parent do if they feel that this is the time to do that and to make sure that both parents are kind of ? I guess we would have to continue respecting each other right in front of our kids if possible . But what can they do in those moments of that transition from kids being in a home with two parents , two to one ?
I think that it's like even Stacy and I think disagree on like this kind of like what's the best time or like the damage being done .
But I think we both can agree that you know , regardless of what is going on , you know with your individual partner like these kids are transitioning from both of you to one of you and whatever , whether you leave 10 years from now or you leave 10 minutes from now , they are truly the ones going through .
Yes , you're going through a major shift , but that is being impacted . And so what is the impact of that parent , like , are going from two to one in the state that they're in right now , or the state that you could be ? like , how are you showing up ? Because I think people get pretty caught up on , well , i want to have a two parent at least household .
You know , i want my kids to see that , i don't want my kids to be in a broken home . But I don't think we often think of , like , the quality of those parents and how they're parenting .
And so when you think of , well , they're going to be losing that parent or they're not going to have two of us think about how healthy that parent is , how happy they are and what they're modeling to that kiddo . And then to Stacey's earlier point in that previous question I think it's very personal and very nuanced .
So if you are not able to show up as a respectful parent , i think it goes back to you know , regardless if you're getting divorced soon or later doing what you need to do to come to the table respectful , even if you know that you're going to call it , even if you know that you're going to stay till college or you're only going to stay one more year .
What do you need to do to deal with like what's going on in a respectful way , so that your kids are at least seeing their parents interact that way while they have two of them ?
And you're right about staying . My parents got divorced when I was young and I remember very vividly how bad the environment was in the home and how relieving it was . After you know it , really it was a different home .
It was a safer home for my brother and I , and so I think anybody who's listening and I have spoken about this on my podcast and on Instagram you know I think it's okay to fear it .
I think my mom also feared how she would keep us , you know how she'd make money and how she would be able to raise us on her own , but it was the best decision she could have made for us because it was not a good relationship and a good home .
And I'm putting that out there because you know , in case people you know , sometimes we wonder , and it happens , and so the other , I guess , to sort of end this conversation , what are some tips that you have for parents that are listening to kind of maintain a healthy relationship in their home ?
Well , if it's a healthy relationship and you're just kind of trying to figure out how to like , sustain your connection and Keep things healthy as you go through different stages of life , this is an unpopular take for a lot of people , but if you have children , rach and I strongly feel like you have to prioritize the relationship Even above your kids in order to
maintain that emotional safety and we get pushed back every single time .
We say that .
Mm-hmm .
No , it's the relationship .
Yeah , it should always be the kids first Yeah . Yeah , but we , yeah , we , i think experience it personally and have seen it professionally so much that if that parental You know unit is not strong and you're wanting to stay together , it's gonna be really , really difficult . Dude , parenting is so hard as is .
If you're not your strongest force together , you know it's gonna be harder to make it , make it through the ups and the downs . So , making sure that you prioritize your partner just as who they are in that stage of life , learning how to connect with them , learning who they are , staying curious , i think that's one of the best things you could do .
My , my husband and I so we have a three , five and seven year old and we had the three kids very close together , so we always had a baby in the house , never had time to have a date , and this past weekend we went on our first date in seven years .
Oh my bad .
It was so bad because seven years , because the pandemic it wasn't planned , but we just never had a moment and I worked nights and weekends , so it didn't work out . We party till four o'clock in the morning with some friends of ours and And just to say that it felt so good to be out .
But I'm saying this because there might be other people that waited this amount of time , and I agree that you have to work on the Relationship and we would do it in little ways to have , like when the babies , when the kids were very young , we'd have dates in the car .
When they were sleeping , we drive around and as soon as the babies would fall asleep , we'd like have McDonald's in the car or , you know , go for a coffee or whatever it was , and then , when they were older , after they go to bed , we'd go for takeout and have the date , like in the house , and leave each other messages on post .
It's like an on our laptop so we'd see it in the morning or whatever it was . But it's so hard and you're right , i think it just it just hit us .
We're still talking about last Friday , like we're still so excited that we had that moment , like you know , alone and it you know , i know that there's guilt around that maybe that's why you guys get pushed back , because when they were young I just didn't feel like it was the right time and now , in retrospect , i wish you would have done it a bit earlier ,
because seven , seven years is too long .
Um , to your credit , cindy , what you did , i think , is so important for people to hear that it's like these small things , and it doesn't have to be these like grand dates . It doesn't have to be these vacations , it doesn't have to be like the laptop Yeah , takeout .
I mean like that's like the McDonald's in the car , like that is what we're talking about , and I think yeah . That there is this idea that can't be a certain way and can't be this huge gesture . We don't do it at all .
Um , so I'm really glad you're being so transparent about that , because that even hearing that , i was like , oh my god , i feel so special if I got a note on my laptop . Amazing , but I don't think we again we don't normalize that like . That's the stuff .
It keeps you through and and still makes you feel like , oh , i like my person when you haven't slept for seven days or . You know your dows didn't vomit , and then you step on a Lego like so that .
I've literally laughed at him when he did . It's so hard , i know , and it all comes down to . You mentioned this word regulation right at the beginning , and if we can find ways to Regulate ourselves , i think we show up better for our partners , we show better for our kids .
But we first have to have that sort of awareness of what dysregulates us and and what what it feels like in her body to feel Disregulated . So I mean , i always talk about that with kids , but now that I've heard you guys and we've had this conversation , it applies in our relationships as well . I Appreciate talking with you guys . It was amazing .
I encourage everybody to follow them . Please share your Instagram account anywhere we can find you and the name of your podcast , please .
Okay , so you can find us over on Instagram at Decoding underscore couples and , as you just mentioned , we launched our own podcast as well about a month ago . It is the decoding couples podcast and you can find us anywhere where you listen to podcasts .
I can't wait . I I need to listen to your podcast and share this . I will share it on my Instagram and everything they just mentioned will be in the show notes . Thank you again for chatting with me and I can't wait to chat with you again .
Thank you , Cindy .
Thank you for listening to today's podcast and I hope you share it with a friend who might need to hear this . I hope I covered everything you wanted to hear . If you'd like to hear more from Rachel and Stacy , send me an email At info at curious neuron calm .
Let me know if you want me to bring them back or if there's certain topics you want me to cover with curious neuron . And if you did leave a review and rate the podcast , let me know again . Send me an email .
I will send you meltdown mountain that most popular PDF that we sell on our website For free as a thank you , because I really do appreciate that you took the time to rate and review the podcast . I hope you have a lovely and wonderful week . I will see you next Monday . Bye You , you .