In this episode, we talk about when he is withholding sex during recovery. While this might not be as common as men that will hypersexualize their wives, it’s still something that we see and it’s important to give space to this piece of the puzzle because it is INCREDIBLY painful and confusing for her. We start with talking about the underpinnings of withholding sex. Jason gives five different reasons that he sees that can contribute to this and I think it’s important to note that the intimacy a...
Jun 03, 2022•44 min
Okay you guys - this was another really hard episode to record. We started in our podcast studio (aka my office) and then had to move to our bedroom. Upon setting up camp in our bedroom, we kept getting interrupted - by a puppy, by our children, by a vacuum cleaner. Thank goodness for Mary and Christa, our podcast producers - I am sure they had their work cut out for them on this one. In this episode, we talk about a phenomenon we see in the recovery process where he gets too far out ahead and i...
May 27, 2022•41 min
In this episode - our special guest is struggling at the beginning of the episode. It doesn’t last long, thank goodness. Hang tight during the first couple of minutes. As for what we talk about: it’s all about mid recovery. Such an incredibly important part of the process - it will determine whether you survive versus whether you thrive. We start by clarifying the difference between early-recovery and mid-recovery - here is a bit of an outline: Early Recovery includes: - Formal Disclosure - Boun...
May 20, 2022•45 min
In this episode - we give a quick recap of episode #38 (since it’s the foundation) and then dig into more of the practicalities of rebuilding trust. Here are five things we focus on: - It’s the little things, not just the big ticket things that matter. - Your personal positives can’t outweigh the relational positives. - Showing it’s on your mind more than it’s on hers. - When it’s the hardest it counts the most. - Showing it’s born out of your character change. We are so glad YOU are here, thank...
May 13, 2022•35 min
In this episode - we talk about one facet of rebuilding trust. Jason mentions that the lack of trust for her is rooted in fear. I struggle with this (as you will hear at the beginning of the episode) because it feels like the issue is on her (ladies - I am here for you and standing up for YOU). Once we get over that hump - here are several things he can do to love the fear out of her: - Trust is destroyed at her expense, trust is rebuilt at his expense - Jason talks about a hobby that he chose t...
May 07, 2022•36 min
In this episode - we talk about sexual intimacy post-betrayal. Here are just a couple of the things we discuss: - Allow it to be wonky and work toward decreasing the pressure to make this part of the relationship perfect - as I (Shelley) mention in the podcast - let it be life work. - We discuss frequency - should it be every 72 hours? What about depriving one another ( see 1 Corinthians 7:5 )? - Triggers for him and for her when engaging in sexual intimacy. Ultimately - it’s important to think ...
Feb 25, 2022•32 min
In this episode, we are going to skim the surface on how we as adults can protect our children from exposure to pornography. Please know that this isn’t a space where we need to judge each other but rather where we can link arms and help each other protect our children. Here are the high points: What is so very important is to be talking about it - we expound on this in the episode and talk a bit about how talking to our children progresses as they get older. Naming shame and developing emotiona...
Feb 18, 2022•36 min
We start with a very quick appliance update even if Jason thinks nobody cares. I know otherwise! As for the episode: Does your husband or x-husband tell you there is no reason to talk about the sexual integrity issue because he doesn’t struggle anymore? This is something we hear quite often and it sends red flags off in my (Shelley’s) head in a major way. We unpack how this impacts her (it can be super invalidating and scary) as well as what might be driving him to say this (fear, shame, and mis...
Feb 11, 2022•42 min
Okay, so let me first say - this episode was HARD to record. We had a ton of technical issues and didn’t realize not once, twice but THREE times that our recorder STOPPED recording WITHOUT us knowing until 10-15 minutes later. BUT we persevered and we hope something in here speaks to you! We wanted to chat about what it looks like when we come to a crossroad in recovery where we have to choose which way we are going. Are we going to keep fighting and not lose hope? Or are we going to throw in th...
Feb 04, 2022•36 min
In this week’s episode, we are thrilled to have a special guest with us - our new puppy, Pluto! He was a great assistant throughout our recording. We are happy to update you on our dryer as well as Shelley’s continued choices to wear clothing from two decades ago. Moving onto more important things - we talk this week about dealing with intrusive thoughts during the recovery process, in particular for her. Here are some of the things we cover: - Know that this is "normal" and apart of the impact ...
Jan 28, 2022•36 min
In this week’s episode, we talk about what it looks like to provide reassurance in the recovery process. Sometimes we as wives will ask questions like - “Is everything okay?”, “what is going on?”, “are you okay?”. Men in the recovery process might see this more as an invitation to “dump" or even an indictment when what she really needs is reassurance of his integrity, the recovery process and honoring her intuition that something feels off. Here are some of the things we cover: - how he can pivo...
Jan 21, 2022•39 min
In this week’s episode, we talk about our broken dryer, broken vacuum cleaner and how I (Shelley) still wear my athletic gear from two decades ago. Don’t worry, that only lasts a couple of minutes and then we get down to business and dig into what can be done when either during the disclosure process or after (when she is processing and asking questions) - what to do when he doesn’t remember certain details of his acting out. Here are some of the things we cover: - When he doesn’t remember, it’s...
Jan 14, 2022•36 min
In this week’s episode, we talk about the heart behind Full Disclosure. Specifically common misconceptions, who it benefits, what it’s for, etc. We didn’t want to go into a ton of the logistics of the Full Disclosure process (although we might do this at some point in another episode) - instead, we really wanted to focus on the heart behind the Full Disclosure. Here are a couple of the things we discuss: - The importance of integration - for him to integrate this part of his story into his life ...
Jan 07, 2022•35 min
In this week’s episode, we continue with a couple of other listener questions. Get ready for me to not answer Jason’s questions and push back on some of what he is saying - he handles me well. Here are a couple of the things we discuss: - Is it possible to enjoy television as a couple? - Could it be true that he has no idea he may be staring at other women in public? - Boundaries to put into place if he IS looking at other women in public. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Malc...
Dec 31, 2021•36 min
In this week’s episode, we address listener questions. Specifically, we address the possibility of enjoying a beach/pool day without it being triggering (which is the only listener question we got to because it was just too good!). Early on, or even ten years into the process, this can be SO difficult. We discuss a few tips on how to approach a beach/pool day which include: seeing others (& ourselves) as humans, rather than objects; having meaningful conversations to create a plan beforehand...
Dec 17, 2021•32 min
Dec 10, 2021•34 min
In this week’s episode we are going to talk about what it looks like to heal from Acting In / Intimacy Aversion. Remember, Acting In consists of the techniques he uses to push her away in order to protect himself. Jason talks to husbands about what it looks like for him to stop acting in. Shelley gives three strategies to help wives protect themselves in the midst of his acting in and thus start to heal from it. We also touch on radical honesty and how powerful this can be in the recovery proces...
Dec 03, 2021•35 min
In this week’s episode we discuss Acting In which is also called Intimacy Aversion. We also discuss Gaslighting, a close cousin to Acting In. Intimacy Aversion is keeping others at arms length in order to self-protect and self-preserve (in an unhealthy way). While this is a part of the human condition, it’s especially prevalent with men struggling with sexual integrity issues and it’s incredibly damaging - for some, it’s emotionally abusive. We also dig into Gaslighting. There is a difference be...
Nov 19, 2021•33 min
In this episode, we talk about what to do if he is dragging his feet in recovery. There are, in general, three archetypes on the spectrum of a man that is dragging his feet in recovery. On one end is a man that is resistant, defensive and mean. On the other end of the spectrum is a man that is trying but there is also a lot of stumbling and fumbling. In the middle - would be the man that has done some good work but has now moved into complacency. Being able to name where he is at can be helpful ...
Nov 12, 2021•30 min
In this episode, we talk about getting out of the mindset that recovery is all about stopping a bad behavior. If the goal is to never act out again and nothing more - men are selling themselves short. Heart and character change associated with the process of not acting out is what is most important. Ultimately, the process is about becoming who God is calling you to be as a man. Talking about threats or markers in recovery can help us to that end which we will introduce and explore in this episo...
Nov 05, 2021•31 min
Picking up where we left off in the last episode, we discuss what it looks like to really work at developing the “muscle” within all of us that alerts us to someone crossing into our hula hoops. Practicing an awareness for when someone crosses those lines (aka limits, or our hula hoop) and what it feels like when that line is crossed is a great place to start. We also talk about naming what we are afraid of when setting boundaries as well as working on identifying what we need when our limits ar...
Oct 29, 2021•27 min
Welcome to Season #3 of Redemptive Living Radio! We are looking forward to sharing more about recovery post-betrayal with you over the next 12 or so weeks! In this episode, we are continuing the conversation on boundaries. To recap, in the last episode we talked about how the word “boundary” is used in two different ways. First, it’s how we define our “limits” in life. Recognizing when someone crosses that limit is an important skill to develop. The second type of boundary is active in nature an...
Oct 23, 2021•30 min
In recovery, we talk about boundaries in two different ways - first, it’s how we define our “limits” in life. Sometimes people cross into our space and sometimes we cross into others' space. Recognizing when someone crosses that line (or limit) is important to be aware of. When you hear someone say - “he crossed a boundary with me”, this is what they are referring to. The second way we conceptualize boundaries is when we have to intentionally protect ourselves from someone that we don’t feel saf...
Apr 30, 2021•31 min
In this episode, we talk about the purpose of sexual abstinence or sexual fasting in the recovery process. Yes, it is important for rewiring the brain (for him) but it’s also important for learning authentic intimacy. We unpack the concept (new to me!) that sexual intimacy is tangled up with all the other forms of intimacy which is part of the reason some men don’t have solid relationships with other guys. {(Blew my mind!} We go into the how, the why, and the what. We also discuss how it can be ...
Apr 23, 2021•30 min
When it comes to lust, we are missing the point if we are only focusing on eyes and mind. Lust is a heart and soul matter. Men have to decide - do I want to live with integrity and honor my wife? Who is God calling me to be? Do I want to be that kind of man or not? These questions, these heart changes are where it starts. Sure, there is behavior modification (not looking, 1:1 rule) but that in and of itself is not enough. It must be connected to a deeper purpose. Jason gives 5-6 practical steps ...
Apr 16, 2021•29 min
Regular check-ins are a foundational tool for many couples in recovery. It was for us! in this episode we talk about how to view the check-ins (hint: its not a box to check!), how to approach them and why consistency matters. We give a framework for the FITNAP check in that we use with folks and talk about how we transitioned to that from the FANIT found on page 153 in the Rescued Workbook . MasterClasses that we offer - www.redemptiveliving.com/masterclass Here is a link to an older video Jason...
Apr 09, 2021•36 min
In this episode we talk about the difference between integrity issues and addiction. For some wives the label of “addict” can bring relief, because the issue is a quantifiable and there is a plan for help. For others, the label is a death sentence that brings hopelessness. We wanted to give folks an understanding of key characteristics of addiction and talk about why there is resistance for many men to see themselves as addicts. While this is all important, we also want to look through a differe...
Apr 02, 2021•25 min
We also wanted to shine the light on all the work that he is {hopefully} doing early on in recovery. Jason goes into some of the internal work he is doing that she might not see - fighting for his integrity, fighting resignation, fighting to not adopt failure as an identity - just to name a few. We also talk about the work she will start to see - which is a byproduct of the internal work he is doing. Jason throws out the word characterological - which I question the validity of. I know better th...
Mar 26, 2021•26 min
So apparently men in Jason’s office say that they are doing a lot of the early work of recovery (not her). Not to start a fight or anything but… We dig more into this during this episode of the pod. Truly, when both the husband and wife are engaged in recovery - they are both working really hard. We thought it would be helpful to name what she is doing early on in recovery so that he can really see how much she is working on. Grief work, getting safe, detachment, waiting well. Fighting for hope,...
Mar 19, 2021•23 min
We dig into the trauma model versus the addiction model and of course take some rabbit trails and talk about things like vicarious trust, codependency, trauma and the Redemptive Living way of doing things. We are so glad you are with us for season #2! It was this episode where Jason mentions codependency and how much he hates that word. Click here to order Rescued . I continue this conversation on the blog - here is the first of the blog posts on this topic . Would love to connect with you on In...
Mar 12, 2021•27 min
