We are back at it. The recovered addict podcast, Jason Ricci and I've been Frank. Yes. And I want to get into today we're going to go right into the ego. This is going to be cool. So if you're an addict then there's a part of you that's called the ego that plays a role in this addiction and that's what we're going to get into the role. It's playing a role on a stage. Hmm. The role of the ego and addiction and it says this.
This the ego in psychological terms refers to the conscious mind that mediates between the individual and reality. So what is reality join? I'm gonna throw a big, what is reality. Well, if I'm behaving in my addiction, usually reality is all about me. In the meantime. Me is the, yeah, you know, how an addicts alarm clock goes off in the morning. Me me, me, me, me me. That's what we like to say. All the time. You know, I'm not much but I'm all I think that's all I think about.
Yeah. So I have a skewed version version of reality. I'm usually if I'm behaving in my addiction, if I'm behaving in my ego I'm not capable of seeing reality. I don't really know what that is, the world and its people are here to serve me, right? That's what I thought that aren't you here for me? What do you got? I'm ready, I just need to get mine because the world is cruel. I'm here for me and I need to get as much money as I I can make and I need to have as much
fun as I want. And I'm just going to do everything about me and subconsciously, that's not the real you. But your the ego has you fooled into thinking? That. That's the real used. So it says this and I think this is really good. It is the part of our psyche that is primary responsible for our sense of identity and self-worth. So, the ego is not bad. No, the ego is not bad and it's important to also understand. I'm never getting rid of it. We don't want to view the ego as
an adversary. We don't want to view the ego as this thing. I need to remove from my life. It's important understand. It's a normal part of the human brain, the functionality of my Consciousness ego is going to be their lives in my mind, it couldn't possibly live anywhere else, I'm not ever going to get rid of my mind. So we don't get very far when we try and fight it. It's just like saying I circulate my blood.
I digest my food, hold on Jason, I need to tell myself to digest my food right now and that's not the way those organs work. That's not the way the mind works either. I don't say, I think my thoughts thoughts just happen, the ego just is it's going to be there. I do. I'm not going to. It's important that we all understand that, I'm not going to get very far trying to fight the ego. No. Yeah. And the ego played a big role especially back in the day. Day, you know?
And so we have if we look at Evolution psychology especially back in the day, I mean it it protected you like the fire flight. Like, if you're running from a cheetah you need your ego, it's important in. It will save my life, right? It's necessary again, we're not ever going to get rid of it and I think so looking at what a healthy ego is, I think is really important but understanding the eagle plays a lot of different roles. The ego helps me win a basketball game.
Hmm. You know, like you just played basketball and you said you were pretty sore for three days. If there's a few hours after that game, I couldn't walk, I hadn't played five-on-five basketball in over in full court in over a decade. But my ego said you got this? Yeah, give it everything. You got so you and you wouldn't have even tried if you had. No ego. No. And that experience was a blast. It was very enjoyable for, right? Yeah. I felt present.
And I was definitely existing in reality and, and you ski to. So the ego says you got this, you can handle this mountain. If you didn't have an ego, it would just the ego. Can also tell me you've never skied before. Jason, this potentially could be super dangerous. You don't know what you're doing, so don't go on that ski. He lifts to that very dangerous, you know, I don't even know what they call them Trails or your runs or you know, whatever they
call them. So the ego plays, a very good role in our psyche, in the sense of identity and self-worth. This is where we get hijacked. This is where the ego starts to play. It's your it's your little friend that comes up alongside of you as a one-year-old. And because I always look at as a baby is Ultimate selfishness. Yes a baby. A baby is all in their ego 100%.
It's like I'm going to cry. I'm going to do whatever I want because I right now feel uncomfortable and I need all these people to serve me. That's kind of like I've always looked at like a baby or I mean you have a two-year-old I have a two-year-old and they call it terrible tools. For a reason a baby is not capable. I'm surviving without outside help. So, a baby needs to be selfish. Baby needs to be the center of
the universe. Otherwise, they literally are not going to survive, but if that behavior persists, past a functional age of, now, I can fend for myself. Then I'm acting in my ego. Then I'm the center of the universe. Then I still have an unconscious belief that Anyone else is supposed to behave to cater? To me. I'm used to everyone catering to me, but only children's innocence. Yeah, only children have this a lot.
The appropriate role for parents is to be an excellent role model for their child and an excellent parent takes responsibility for themselves. How do I be a good parent? I take responsibility for myself which in turn provides an excellent role model for my child. It's not give the child everything they want, right? That's not the best guy prepared. It's just not. I'm crippling the child.
Yeah, they were asking this. This guy had hundreds of millions of dollars and they were asking him the other day. I thought it was really cool side note real quick. How he parents whose kids to try to prevent them from being, you know, you have hundreds of millions of dollars, you're set for life. You have generational wealth. So how do you like keep your kids from being spoiled? And it goes, I really thought about this, like, I've done in depth. He says one is not to give your
kids. Everything like you just said, number two is to have them learn things. You know, and then allow them to understand, you know, to set rules and boundaries and things like that. So he had them every day they had to they had a pool. So every day they had to swim for like an hour then they had to watch a, if they're going to before they can watch regular TV. They have to watch a documentary on something that they can learn from.
And it may interest them and maybe the Michael Jordan Last Dance documentary. If they like sports, whatever it is. But they have to watch something that's going to make them better and then they have to work and I'm not talking like child labor and all that stuff. And I'm talking about they have to To do several hours a day of work and he's like, so far so far, we're, you know, batting a thousand. I think he has four kids but batting 1000 with all four of them, you know, being
productive. But if you're and I like to I like the rich kid analogy as looking at it with just being dominated by your ego. It's like everything's been given to you. I have a Rolls-Royce. I live in a mansion dad's provided everything for me. But what type of Am I, I'm depressed, I'm suicidal, you know, I can't function in the so-called real world because I totally disabled and that's what the ego will do to you the ego, want your comfort? It wants you to eat the
doughnuts. It wants you to go to the casino. It wants you to pick up the bottle, it wants, what's good for you and it's limited capacity. You know that bottle the ego is like you know, we've handled lots of problems with this. This, let's try this again. You know, we've done. This is comfortable. Yes, let's grab this bottle and do it again. Oh, now, you're blackout drunk. Oh, now you're in the hospital drawing what, you've experienced
my story. Yeah. So, the materials has, however, when the ego becomes overly dominant this, what I want you to talk to, when the ego becomes overly dominant, it can lead to a host of issues including addiction. Yeah, my world is chaos when I'm behaving in my ego. I'm ruled by selfish and self-centered decisions, thoughts and obsessions. And if I don't have a way out of that, if I don't have an outlet, if I don't have an Avenue of service, why would it be of
service to somebody else? I'm here to be of service to me. I didn't know that was an option. So pretty paradoxical thought for an addict to help somebody else. I'm just interested in getting mine and that type of behavior creates a lot of suffering. Discomfort disconnect, and, I don't feel, I don't have any sense of self-worth. It was never presented an opportunity to take responsibility. For my inner, my inner, my inner peace. My inner being for how I'm feeling on the inside, the
gentleman. That's raising those four kids. I try and have similar plant practice with my kids. They have their chores around the house they need to do. They have Guidelines boundaries and expectations. I try and teach them and form them. And what's acceptable not acceptable. And with one of our kids, we even are doing a reward system where if they get these chores done then they get a like a token. It's like a pretend piece of
gold, right? And then if the, if the, if my son acquires five pieces of gold, he can cash those in an experiment. So it's a little, you know, external Reward there, but at the same time, we're teaching him. Work ethic. We're teaching him, delayed gratification. You don't get the, you don't get the the treat right away, you don't get that. Go to the ice cream parlor with one gold coin, you have to work for it. You have to earn it. You have to it's on you.
If you don't if you don't do the chores. Sorry. You're the one that doesn't get it. Yeah, that's okay. You didn't take action. So we're teaching responsibilities were teaching sense of purpose.
We're Teaching boundaries were teaching consequences, and if I'm not presented with those opportunities, of course, I'm going to be a selfish, self-centered individual selfish, self-centered individual loves to live in their ego and it's easy for that ego to lose X function, its original function of fight, or flight and need to keep myself safe, work, hard, we want to win this.
We're in a competition, those type of Original functions, those type of natural functions can be taken to an extreme, if I'm in a delusional lifestyle of addiction. So, whenever we look at the ego becomes overly dominant, So it hijacked and for majority of people, they're living in their ego. Absolutely. And it's become overly dominant. Yeah, instead of and you had said something before, and I thought it was so good.
The spirit and the ego, the spiritual side in the ego, can you kind of explain that a little bit in the submissiveness to that? Yeah, absolutely. So like we've discussed in the past hope good way of understanding for me and a nice spiritual tool that we have in our tool kit is Portal. Dimension of existence vertical, dimension of existence, horizontal existence. Is the world of form is the world of job relationship, money, anything form-based exist in my world.
My horizontal world what most people believe. That's it. That's it. And we would also say human so human form exists in that horizontal and then if you enter vertical Dimension, enter World of spirit Source. God Consciousness, we could also say being. So we're human world of ERM where the ego lives and being where my spirit lives. So we're both, it's very important to understand that
we're human beings. I'm not ever going to just get rid of the human part and be total Buddhist monk floating on a mountain. And, and that's it. I don't even need to eat anymore because I'm just pure spirit. It's important to honor both honor. The part of me that is form. That is human honor, the part of me that is being. That is It the correct place for us. Is the marrying of the to we
want them to blend together. And in my opinion my ideal is to have this Spirit foremost in that marriage to end to have the ego. Submissive to my spirit, they're working in coherence. They're working in agreement but the eagle understands Source gets to make this decision. So allowing the spirit are for me. A higher self. That's kind of how I look at allowing my how herself to be the dominant force in everything I do. Because I'm understanding that
is eternal wisdom. I'm understanding that as, you know, God or whatever it may be. That is what needs to be overly dominant, not the material, not the ego in addiction. It's the ego. That is dominant. It's the ego that says this will work. This will work now. Do it. Mmm. Don't seek spiritual solution if I'm trying to feel a god-sized hole. Hole inside of me. It takes work. Yes. Yes, it takes work touching spirit, it takes work. Tapping into A different
perspective of life. That's going to enable me to feel free instead of feel fear instead of feel in bondage. I'm just bent up. I'm totally Limited. If I'm coming from my ego and I'm unconscious to it, if I'm unconscious to it. Usually means I'm behaving in my addiction. Yeah. And overly dominant ego, I want you to share the store. If you don't mind, you've shared with me offline before is, you know, you were sober for a while.
And then there was a time frame where you weren't and then you happen to meet someone and they had a conversation with you and you were, you didn't even realize that at the moment till they cheered with you but you were An overly dominant ego stage? Yeah absolutely. It's funny how? My selfish, self-centered Behavior. In the world when I behaved that way in the world, usually the world will kick my ass in response to my destructive behavior.
And one of our great analogies is I'm living such a destructive, addictive, lifestyle. I'm actually in the gutter. No, no, I'm in the gutter, I'm bleeding. And the ego is so powerful and revealed so quickly. I'm in the gutter, I'm bleeding. And I'm still judging people's shoes as they walk by. To be superior. I'm so glad feels to look at her bleeding from my addiction. So, yeah, I had an experience where I was five months, 20 days sober.
I was very lucky and graced to be around spiritual teachers that were helping me at that time in my life. I was working a couple jobs. I didn't have many spiritual tools at the time. I didn't have enough spiritual tools at the time to disidentify from my ego. My ego said more. Money is going to make this better. You probably need to work even more. So I was putting in 8088 hour work weeks and Getting burnt out, burning the candle at both ends. My ego.
The part of me that is unconscious said, you know, cocaine would make this a lot easier and I returned to drugs and I don't know, 20 minutes later I returned to alcohol. Five months, 20 days was out the window. And then amazing. How? Yes. And because of my destructive Behavior, I picked it right back up, exactly where I left off. So the ego, the ego said, the ego said, this is the upper limit problem to the eagle turned around and said, you know what? You've been working 80 plus H,
you've been doing so good. You deserve a treat joining. If you have this heat, let's get you some nose candy. Yeah. Nose candy will help you work even more as well? Oh, yeah, it was like I said, you got you could work more. You have to have the thought at all. Was it just so unconsciousness? As I want this, I'm going to take it now or was it? Like, I think I could handle this. I didn't have the thought of, I think I could handle this.
I just was not well practiced enough to come from vertical Dimension. First, I was not making decisions based out of my spirit, I was making It's based on the former world of the world of form out of my ego and just pure pure pure emotion. Like oh my God, that sounds awesome. Let me go. I got money money. I want more money right? If I get it. So the money was making me feel better. I wasn't drunk and I thought
well I just need more money. I'm going to feel even better because this is really important right now at the stage because I think there's a lot of people that are listening to this, or watching this, that are at this stage right here, where they their ego is tricking them and thinking that they got it. Correct. Yeah, they're good and you Be five months over you, maybe five days over, you know, you maybe five years over. It doesn't matter.
It's scary how quickly. The ego root will rebuild my addiction, will administer a good beating and usually that good beating puts me in a position of submission and after that position of submission, I come in asking for help please, you know, I'm willing to live different, but then I'm right back to my old ways because I don't have the tools to retrain or rebuild. Yes, structure, that is destroying my life that structure exists in my mind that
structure is condition. That structure is my selfishness. That structure is my uncontrolled ego, my ego foremost, not my spirit. So five months. 20 days sober. Get a little cocaine. Get a little alcohol. The way that I participate in my addiction. Took me two weeks to get into the hospital. So you are hard-wired like that's your thing. I don't know any other way to go 100%. I have two speeds All or nothing makes me. Very successful in business, makes me very deadly in my addiction.
Hmm, Frank got it's close to dying as I ever want to get God willing. That was my bottom. That was my last drink, that was for 13 years. That was your last drink. Yeah, that was. So that was 13 years ago. And you had a spiritual teacher that yes, I had something to you that I was already. I was already exposed to some spiritual teachers by grace and I came in and saw this spiritual teacher. Now, this was a very, this was a tough man. This was a rough man old school old school.
His name is Dick. And dick was was dying of COPD and he was on oxygen. And he sound like Darth Vader. He would You knew where you were spiritually. If you spent any time with Dick and because he would rub people the wrong way, they would just be furious being in his presence. No, I can't stand and and so if you weren't in good on good spiritual terms, you were bothered by your outside world. And anyways, dickhead he had done time in Leavenworth State Penitentiary, he had, he was
convicted. Of attempted murder of a police officer. They gave him 25 years. Wow, this is a hard man and I was a, he died, 70 years old, 10 years sober. And I had the gift of getting to be in his hospital room with him as he passed away. And I've helped, I've been, I've done that with a couple people. A couple spiritual advisors that have helped reshape my life and dick was one of the first men that helped me and You know, I came back after after that trip, to the hospital.
My ego had already rebuilt when dick was in prison in Leavenworth. He was doing a construction job to get his sentence lowered. And a big cinder block had fallen on this construction, site landed on his hand and severed his index finger. Dick was a hard man. He picked up his severed finger, jammed it back on his nub and then went to the infirmary and the infirmary sewed it on, but they sewed it on all crooked and messed up. Not like professional doctors. It's just a prison.
And anyways, He was interested in living a paradoxical lifestyle in his recovery. He was interested in helping other people. He knew if he was of service to others, he was coming from Spirit rather than coming from ego. And I can't, I saw him that day after I got out of the hospital and he said, Dwayne, Dwayne. I'm so glad to see you. I was worried about you and my ego had already rebuilt and I said, really, what was going on?
a lot of guilt and shame, and I didn't know how to communicate that and I said, yeah, I'm glad to see you too dick. I got it. I think I got it this time and Dick. Hit me real hard in the chest with his nubby little index finger and he said you don't have shit. God has it. That's awesome. Completely crushed my ego. I was vulnerable enough at that moment.
From the beating alcohol had just administered me that I was willing to listen and I heard him, say this old man dying on oxygen with a Broken body and messed up finger. I heard him say you don't have it, you can't do this. You can try as much as you want but you're not going to be able to figure this out. God has this is a spirit inside of me has this? That's so good. Yeah he saved my life, that's so hot.
But that little nubby finger you never drinks and that moment of truth the and you don't know what that moment of truth can be for someone. You never know. So that's why you just constant service to others? What I learned about the story, one of the things that is so beautiful about it is and people don't realize this. I don't think with the ego because it's such a trickster, that's why I look at it as, like, just tricking you all the
time. Yeah. That guilt and shame that you experienced guilt and shame is a direction of ego. Absolutely. You're in full bore taking over, like, Alien Invasion. Like the ego has took over if you're in guilt and shame. Yeah. What are the best examples of my ego is? Oh, there's an alien invasion. They're coming for me. Thinking that the cops are worried about you. Yes, thinking that people are out to get you. You know that's all the
hijacking of the ego. It's making you the center of attention for everything often a lot of substance is increased sense. Perceptions vision is increased, hearing is increased. That's what I'd so easy to get addicted to the outside world around me is like wow this is incredible. It's like I said it's a tree, it's a leaf. Yes it is incredible.
You can get there without drugs. but when sense perceptions are increased, it's very easy for the mind to start taking over and trying to compute, trying to make sense of these increased sense perceptions. So I get lost in the mind. Which if I'm behaving unconsciously in my addiction means, I'm also lost in my ego so the mind is taking over in the next thing. You know you're seeing rats or your you're worried that the cops are right outside your door. You know, different things like
that. I know the side effects of staying up all night long, doing cocaine. You get ninjas on the lawn, possibly peering window to see if no one ever came for me. But I knew someone was coming to get me. Yeah, and that's it. That to me, it. Revelation but being passive-aggressive being where you're sacrificing. Oh, you know I just have to do so much for my kids all the time. It's just, you know, I just do so many things for them and they just never realize all the
sacrifices. I make that's all he go. The guilt it's just tricking you and people get mad about this, you know, and I I used to get mad about it because I was so into my self-pity I would go down the rabbit hole saw L pity that it would lead to depression.
But I was so into self-pity and so into how much of a victim I was and how every single person I ever interacted with would take advantage of me. Yes like every single person well obviously those aren't it's not the people's problem it's my problem one. Why am I attracted people take advantage of me? That's the first question.
I said number two it's like why is every single person my parents my sister my my family you know the people that Why why is every boss mean and always just making me work. So many hours. Well it was the illusion of my mind. My balls really a lot of my bosses didn't even they're so busy. They're not concerned about me. They're not thinking about me but I'm obsessed. That they're seeing me slave away. Very good. Do you see what I'm saying? The eat.
I want people to understand a lot of your thoughts. 90% of them are ego-based. Absolutely. And this is But a large component of what we're addicted to, it may be whatever any substance doesn't matter where we're really what we're taking for me. It was the alcohol from. You was the cocaine But the thoughts that arose, hmm from the unconscious ego taking over and then the energetic response, the emotions the chemicals that were released as a result of those thoughts.
That becomes the addiction. I've become addicted to the energetic response of fear. I begin addicted to the energetic. Responsive, we have to fight these people. All these people are against me. Rrr, I feel so good as I'm driving to the casino. Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna be I'm gonna do 24-hour poker game. Yes. Yes. We say, if you've met for assholes before, lunch, you're probably the asshole? That is so good, bro. They think about themselves.
Because he they're all thinking about you now. Start to align your behavior as such but that's so freeing, it's freeing. When you can get out of that rat race in your head of you being this most important thing in everybody's Minds, very good. Because now, it gives, if you can take that space, like, you talked about our last podcast, if you could pull yourself away from that emotion and be in that aware space. Mmm. Now, you can begin to look at it and you can be like, Oh my God.
My ego has been tricking me. I've been living in this Spear and I've been taking people's opinions as the reality of who I am. And I've been putting them all together. Even if I'm like a mom or dad or whatever. This is obsessed over their kids. Yes. And they live for their kids and their kids become a god, an idol. You know, we talked about this before and so they, when their kids leave, they have no
identity. You know, you see couples separate, you know, like they've been married for 25 years, 30 years and they separate when their kids. They're gone because there are a whole identity was put into their children. Absolutely, you know, and so, they needed their kids to function, they needed those
events, you know what? I, it's so crazy, you see, it with the proverbial, the crazy dad, that goes to the football game and he has a son, you know, he's like, you know, he's going crazy and you know, he looks like that asshole. Mmm, that is he's not he's not there. His he goes there for him, he's using the kid, very good for him to be there. It's About him in that stage because you're not supporting your child. In fact, you're being cruel to your child by forcing them to do
something. They may not even want to do, you know? It was, it was so hilarious. When, you know, I have three sons, it was so hilarious. All three of them. Only one of them wanted to do Sports. You know, the other two were not and I gave him, I gave everybody a choice. Like what do you want to do? You know, like what are you like? What is it that you really
really want to do that? Makes you productive for society, you know, and And they all three love mechanics, that was just their thing, you know, and they do do that as a profession now, so it's just funny how all three of them got into working on cars or working on, you know, whatever, heavy equipment. But if I wouldn't have allowed them to do that and push them to do basketball, like, I did, yes. None of them. They didn't even like to play basketball, they had no interest in basketball.
Now my ego wants them to play basketball. It wouldn't have served them. It wouldn't have served you, right? Right? Because you would have been upset that they didn't become the menu thought. They were supposed to be the man. I thought there you gave them a gift. Yes, I detaching your expectation on their reality, but I think this is what this is what I'm getting at when the ego becomes overly dominant.
And then the host of issues that are material talks about it leads to a host of issues, including one of them is addiction, but it leads to a host of issues. And these issues are affecting every single part of your life. Very good. Yeah, very good. There's a web of it. Yeah, to return. To our initial conversation I think was podcast won the first greatest lie of addiction is This time will be different. Mmm. Yeah, tell him. I'm not going to get arrested this time.
I'm not going to lose the relationship. This time. It'll be different. The, the experiment of insanity. Let's try the exact same thing but this time would be different. It was never any different. The second greatest lie of addiction is well, what's wrong with you? Is me, excuse me, is wrong with me. Is you if only you were different I would be okay. If only the world behave, the way I Think it needs to behave I'm going to be okay if that's my delusion.
Hmm and that's easy to come from that delusion if I'm in my addiction if I'm in my egoic self, centered mind. For some reason, I get a host of issues, you know, you shared something. I thought was really important, you may not even realize it. It was really really cool. The story you shared and you baby shirt real quick because this is a small story but you had said something a couple weeks ago where you had a party And I was, I really thought about this because it was really interesting.
You said, you said, you and your girlfriend. We're just in flow. Yeah. And you guys were just like, moving around and both of you had been in food service so it'd be easy. So I don't know if you had 20 people, 30 people at your house and backyard. Having a supper party break apart or whatever it is. And I began to think about how people get in such big fights and they get so angry and, like, before the party, and after the party and do, During the party.
And there's people right now that are that are just just had experiences that they they can't be present. And in the moment because ego has to say I'm doing this party and I'm sacrificing it don't you realize I stayed up all night to make these hors d'oeuvres. You know and I'm a damn, absolutely perfect and everybody just ate him really fast because everybody's drunk, I didn't really care.
And Jim you know, spilled alcohol on my we spilled wine on my white carpet and you know, Susan did this, you know and Teresa got, can you believe she did this? We're in the moment when you had two people that were spiritually just serving others. You see what I'm saying? There was no, like, I can't believe I have to barbecue, you know, you were just happy in the moment and you had told me, you said, you were excited to see how people were talking to each
other, like family members. I hadn't talked to each other in a while. It was just complete service to others. Yeah. It was, it was a beautiful experience that my son, had his seventh birthday and we threw a party at her house. My my partner, she put the whole thing together. She's incredible. And it was themed it. Had Spaceman cupcakes, Spaceman Spaceman banners and that's normally like a super stressful situation. It was it was a themed party. She put it all together.
She was the host of this party and she for that moment, honored, that role I was able to take a I guess a step back. Offer my presence instead of offer my judgment. I had like thirty five people at my house and kids running around throwing water balloons. My backyard is pristine, she knew better not to tell me that they were going to do water balloons until she was filling up the water. All right. Little plastic pieces can be all over the yard. Are you ready?
Wants it to be my way. My ego wants to say, well, what's wrong with me? Is you guys in your behavior. If your behavior is different, I'll be okay. Just don't throw those water balloons and I'm going to be funny. I don't don't be a kid. Don't have fun. You couldn't possibly make fun of my back. Why are you here? So, if I'm coming from horizontal Force, if I'm coming from ego first, I'm extremely controlling an extremely
selfish. You need to fit my idea of how this supposed to go, but if I'm coming from Spirit first, if I'm coming from source, First, if I'm coming from the part of me that his presence that can be present and I offer that presence. We talk about this all the time. What's the best thing I can give anyone ever my presence? The best thing you do for an addict.
If you're listening to this and you're trying to help somebody just offer your present for your presence, instead of offering my judgment instead of offering my fear. Instead of offering, my anger, all those things exist in my ego. Those things don't exist in my presence if I can. For my presence is the best thing I can give anyone because it feels so comfortable being in someone's presence. I can just be who I am. These kids can just be who they are, they can just throw the
water balloons. I didn't take a backseat, but I took the role of Manning the grill. I've cooked a brisket, we had Burgers, we had hot dogs going. I was on the grill, she was playing host. We never communicated once at the beginning of this party, Ooh saying okay, you talk to the guests and and be host and and
interact. I will cook and and and be on the grill and cook and take care of the food that just unfolded organically and it's cool that you are able to understand the potential that made that available.
Well, what normally happens is I can't believe Bill, you know, the wife to the husband you're just hanging out in the garage and I've done This work, I spent six hours getting ready for this party and you don't care, you just drinking, you know, pre-gaming before the thing watching and you're not helped at all. And then the guys, like, well, I don't want to be around her for a party, so I'm just going to go do my own thing. You know, I mean both are at
fault here. It's all ego and then they've gotten into big fight. She's crying, while she's trying to figure stuff out and then one of their close Neighbors comes in. And then the close neighbor turns around, it's like you. Okay, what's wrong? Just like I just kept you know until for 20-something years. You know what? Then she's just make both the people and then bills out in the yard.
Just, and with the bunch of guys, you know, sitting there smoking and then talking shit about their wives and how horrible there were there. You could just all ego. Yep. None of that was service to others, all ego and very common. That's why I'm saying, I believe that relationship also. Yeah. Too much control, too much chaos. Hmm, not good for anybody. Yeah.
And the material says, this is an inflated ego can make us us feel Invincible leading us to take unnecessary risk like experiencing that the Des acceptance or behaviors and you had talked about this earlier you at five months, you know, an inflated ego makes us feel invincible and there's a lot of people like and I've heard this from addicts, I'm talking like drug addicts or whatever. Like I've got this. I think I got it this time and you'd said that to Dick.
Yeah. You're like I got this. I got it. I can think I got it this. Figure it out on my own. I have some game left. I have some moxie. When he hit me in the chest, he was he didn't have any other tool at the moment to tell me you're coming from your inflated ego. You know, a large portion of spiritual practice is deflating the ego. I'm get, it's gassed up enough on my practice now it's deflate that ego a practice of humility is a difficult walk be careful, be careful.
If you start asking for humility, we I want to make this very clear anyone that's listening, you're gonna get it. So you get lots of learning lessons, a lot of lessons opportunities II prayed for humility one time, I'm my girl, my girlfriend at the time. Was pregnant six months later. So, be careful. If you ask for humility, you might get it. Life was no longer about me because there's no problems in life. They're just learning lessons correct.
Yeah, it's so you're just going to if you want humility, you're just going to get a bunch of learning lessons are what we call problems. Be careful asking for that one, but it is a wonderful spiritual tool to not be the crazy dad, on the lawn who can't believe he's with his wife or 27 years because he's not getting his way ever. Mmm. I'm not at all.
Humble in that moment. Coming from a perspective of just a member of, I'm just a part of I'm not King Dwayne, but you didn't get to piss on me either, right? I'm just a part of the, I'm just right sized. One of our favorite definitions of humility is being right-sized. The ego, does not allow me. My unconscious ego. Does not allow me to be right sized. My unconscious. Ego is either, I'm King Duane you behave the way I need you behave or Your everybody just pisses on me, I'm the worst
thing. There is there doesn't get any lower existence than me. Whether it's really, really - or really really positive. If it's selfish self-centered, it's still ego and those oscillate with a person with an addiction Personnel. Absolute. That's how it happened. I could be like this person is the greatest person ever. I love them so much, and then five minutes later. It's like, oh my God, I'm so
depressed. Yeah, like, I mean, I can oscillate that bad with my emotions if I'm not careful. Just some people have more of an empathic. Yeah. Motion, you know, this. I thought was interesting. It says, it can prevent us from seeing the truth, about our addiction, causing us, to deny the problem, and reject, help from others. It's a wild. Tool that the mine has. Like a, it's basically like, putting a pair of sunglasses over my eyes, like a psychosis like my.
Addiction is so powerful my delusion moment in my selfish. Self-centered Behavior. I need to keep doing what I'm doing because it's the only way I know how to do what I'm doing. I refuse to look at reality when I have this selfish pair of glasses that come down over my eyes. It's like blindness. Like I said, a blind was, like, I can't see reality. I'll do what I need to do to get what I want. The truth about our addiction and we've talked about this before.
But I want people to understand what is the truth about your addiction Dwayne like what's the truth about yours? Like your alcohol and drug abuse but mainly alcohol, right? Yeah. We've talked about this a lot. Now, we're going to get, I'll be vulnerable and we're going to get, you know, pretty deep-seated. These are usually stem from deep-seated issues, but the truth about my addiction. Is I didn't have a way to address. The trauma or the uncomfortableness I grew up with.
I didn't have a way to address the pain that was living inside of me as a result of my conditioning, or as a result of My environment. All I knew was this is not what I want to feel. So alcohol and drugs allowed me to not feel that you felt amazing. I didn't have to feel hmm if initially it felt amazing but then it just turned into I don't have to feel and the truth of that it at that progresses. The truth of the addiction becomes I need this in order to be okay.
Just to be okay just to be okay because the pain is so embarrassing. Yeah I'll lose a job. Don't care. I need to be okay. Lose a relationship. Don't care need to be okay. It's been every cent in my bank account. Don't care need to be okay. And so through this pain, this childhood pain that you experienced its sought it self the ego came into if they the ecos like Dwayne I got you Yeah, we're going to we're going to take walk down this road
together. You know, we're gonna go down this journey, this ego journey and it's going to be, it's it we don't have to worry about your pain anymore. I got you the pain. No more pain. If you do this, you like doing this. Do this more. I didn't have any tools to slay the dragon. Yeah, exactly. And we all have this, we all have passed. We all have hurt. We all have life happens. Whether you live a spiritual life are not life happens. We don't we all have to go through.
Hard stuff. So, tell me because our material talks about this part and tell me if this related to what you just said. Because I kind of set you up, this is really good. Listen to this. The ego can also lead us to believe that we are Unworthy of love, happiness and Recovery. Keeping us stuck in the cycle of addiction unworthiness. Yes, I definitely experienced unworthiness. In the progression of the addiction. I didn't, you know, I didn't
feel that right away. Hmm, I believe that I've always had the god-centered inner being inside of me. But the more and more dependent I became upon alcohol in order to feel okay. The more I turned away from that part of me that God centered piece that already knew. I was okay. so the sense of worthlessness is sense of not good enough to sense of Shame. I needed to get further and further away from that which made it easier and easier to
progress into the disease. And I think, for me, the unworthiness part hit me harder because of the trauma that I experienced as a child too. And I think that's pretty much all of it. You know, that's what your blueprint is that your Matrix, that's what your judge. If you had a great experience on something. You know, if I go out skiing for the very first time and I have a terrific experience, I probably won't go ski again or I think - You that your number one thing like for Flow State.
Like you love skiing, you know, so it's all about our experiences but for me, the unworthiness part, I think hit the most being raised in a very fundamentalist Christian home. You're never good enough. There's so many sins out there and you're always sitting, you know, and it needs sins like and you got to be careful because the devil will have you sinned like all different kinds of ways you don't even realize it you know it's almost like the devil becomes the ego you know that
whole thing. But for me it was like Your and then the Hell Fire Brimstone preaching and you always felt guilt and shame and you never felt good enough. I'd never felt like here. I'm a 12 year old boy and I discover my penis but you can't do that. That's a sin. So then I'm just constantly, you know, as twelve-year-old, I'm not be too graphic here but you know what a 12 year old boy, does he said you are one? Yeah you're just sitting a lot and then obviously you start
looking at girls, you know. And then it's like I never Just that on a girl before you know, at 12 and 13. So I got all this guilt and shame and then I'm going to the Altar and praying you know and asking for I'm crying and asking for, you know, am I even saved? Am I going to go to heaven? I'm probably going to go to hell because you know I looked at a girl's ass you know what I mean? And so then I got to go repent
for that. And just all this constant of just repenting and repenting and going through this whole process. And so it developed in me, this sense of empowerment, Unworthiness. And so it got to the point and here's where diction happens in my life, in different formats, not an alcohol or drugs, but other ways. My unworthiness would be like, well, fuck it. I'm unworthy. So just fuck it. Yep. And then guess what happens? Major destructive behavior.
I'm talking torching things. You have any relationships. I feel sorry for with girls that I were in where I just torch the thing I would say. Okay. You want to have wordplay here, okay? And I'm talking like physical, none of that ever that. But it was like words that hurt. That is the thing that I the things that I said you can't go back from, you know, I would just Just okay. I'm hurting inside.
So I'm just going to throw a whole word salad, torch and just cool just flame throw and I'm going to be super self-destructive all because I did not believe I was worthy of love, you know? And I think this is really important because the the material says keeping us stuck in the cycle of addiction. Yes, that's the problem. Yes. I don't have the tools to break free from the cycle. I'm unworthy. We also understand, we're powerful creators whether we're
conscious of it or not. So I start creating environments where I'm going to feel Unworthy. Of course, I'm going to have a relationship that falls apart. I couldn't possibly be deserving of a real relationship of loving healthy relationship so I'm going to attract and create an environment where I get the blowtorch things. Why? Because I'm used to blowtorching trauma bonding. It's exactly. Right. Trauma bonding. And again, this is the pair of glasses that come down over my
eyes. That was not what I chose. I didn't choose that and I would never be what I signed up for the Eco wants the best for us but often produces the worst, that's the same as the road to hell is paved with good intentions. We don't really care what your intentions are not in a spiritual lifestyle, and spiritual lifestyle were very concerned with what your feet do. What are your actions say? Dear? Action, say you love me your actions. Say this is a safe environment,
your action say. I can just be who I am? No, my actions, never said that my actions had. You need to be this way in order for me to be okay? If it's not I'm Wiley Coyote, I'm gonna blow it up. I had the same experience over and over and over again. Isn't it funny that we seek a safe environment? That's so beautiful what you said in and it funny that we seek a safe environment and then we're not safe at all. No. I mean it's not safe to be in a relationship with us. Our diction.
It's not safe in my mean it's safe. Now for me, I believe, but I believe is my spiritual practices and stuff like that. But you know, ten years ago. It was not safe to be in a relationship with me. My mind is not a safe place, but I was seeking safety all the time and I thought that externally I could get into this with this. And that goes into the second part. It says not only does it this unworthiness of love happiness recovery at the same time.
The eagle can fuel are addictive behaviors as we seek external validation and escape from feelings of inferiority. Already or inadequacy. So this is an ailing me like this material right now is just hitting me so hard. I got the two before the spiritual, 2x4 under rights. So the eagle can fuel are addictive behaviors as we're seeking external validation because the unworthiness seeks the validation. That's also part of my ego, can dress it up. It looks good.
Look at him. He's the best employee. We have he works every day. And it's I'm not really I don't care a damn about this job. I want your validation. If I don't have your validation I don't have self-worth.
It's very difficult to articulate that in a Unconscious Behavior. There's no way I will ever articulate that I'm just killing myself, working all the time, but people don't even realize this, the cruel father that I had, or the cruel mom that I had not me personally, but like, if you have that, you seek that in bosses. Absolutely. So you want the off chance that the Basta at any moment is going to go off the handle and tell you, you know fire you or whatever and you're all nervous
about it, are you had a bad mom? So all of a sudden your bosses are all women. And, you know, you feeling like they're all mean to you, you know, yes. Because I'm unconscious and I'm a powerful Creator. So I'm creating the unconscious trauma that I'm used to mine which was a big deal for me. And it will continue to be a big deal. I still work on this daily is the fear of outshining others. I was born and I instantly
outshone. Members of my family, I got more attention, I got more love, I got more kisses, I got more presents. Just by the fact of being born. As a result, I was treated differently as a result. I was punished. So I had this unconscious imprint of needing to get in trouble for doing.
Well, I would do really well and Contour over and over Oregon, put myself in positions where people were going to punish me as a result of My Success. That's a wild coming from vertical Dimension. First coming from Spirits Spirit. First, I love my parents. No one can ever behave past their point of awareness. So I can't Take the victim role anymore because my parents did the best they could with what they had.
No one is ever going to behave beyond their point of Consciousness and I have excellent parents. I love them very much. Today, we have a wonderful relationship today. But seeking an environment where I was going to be in trouble for doing well. I cannot understand baguette into understand that or even know I'm doing it. If I'm coming for my ego because being an environment where I'm doing well, my ego is pushing that. Do well, do, well you're the best and then getting in trouble.
My ego is pushing that too because now it's all about me and can you believe how she behaves can you believe they want to do this? Can you believe they're going to fire me? Because I'm the best one. They have. Thank you, Kimberly, and it's still all about me. Learning to detach from that not coming from ego. First coming from Spirit, first is a fascinating Adventure, it's probably going to take the rest of our life, however, the rest of my life.
However, I'm willing to go down that path now because I'm not willing to get in trouble for doing well anymore. I'm taking my power back owning the god Consciousness inside of me. I'm not the situation of Behaving. Well, I'm getting in trouble. I'm not the energetic emotion of anger. What am I? I'm the aware space. That gets to deal with both those things.
So in that moment I'm separate and so in your zone of genius and your creativity, it allows you the freedom to expand the the the key word there is freedom in that moment. I'm free. You're exactly right, you're exactly right. I don't want to go through the world in the bondage of self. We are so free, we can choose bondage. But that's usually unconscious. So I do want to go through the world. A free man, taking responsibility.
Owning. My delusion choosing to come from Source. First gives me a good chance gives me a shot and interestingly enough you know we discussed this to how many thoughts a day do I have on average 60 thousand? If I'm a high functioning addict it's probably more like 70. I have 70,000 opportunities a day to take responsibility and come from Source. First have source for front. That's a better way of living.
Yeah, and it's so crazy. It in the material talks about says, the ego went unchecked can thus lead to self-destruction. Recognizing understand the role of ego in addictions critical first step towards recovery the ego unchecked. And you talked about this, I mean, being in the hospital or whatever leads self-destruction, that's where it goes. I mean you have to realize your ego unchecked will lead to
self-destruction. Even though I know the god Consciousness part of me knows it's killing me. Ego and addiction doesn't care. I still had. I'll do it. Even if it's going to kill me and this is going to you know there are people that are listening now that will resonate and this is, you know, important if there's a window of Grace and you can hear it. That's usually when it's time to make a decision. Let's go on to The Bitter End. I'm going to continue and do
this and die. Or am I going to make a decision and try and do something different? We're here to say something different is available for you. I don't have to continue my destructive path of dilution meant. I can choose to live a different way of life. Again, that's that's that stage
of change at that. Unfortunately, that self-destruction, when you're at that, when you're in the hospital bed, or your blacked out laying in a ditch judging people choose or whatever it is, whatever it may be, you're you've become 400 pounds in the doctors, told you, you know, like my addiction with food, you know, you've become 400 pounds.
And I used to be way heavier than I am now, but because I sought comfort in food, you know, so that, that would, that would help my pain, just like a bottle did for you. Whenever you're in that self destructive mode and ego is just full rain. There's there's no point of living you know like when I would get into those moments it was just be like, well I'm gonna die early.
Yeah. Yeah. One of my friends who's always tell me I'm not good with pets 30. Anyways, you know, you kind of the ego even puts these You know, Jesus only lived to 32 or whatever, you know. So if I make it to 30, I'm doing pretty good. It's wild. How we are not unique Even in our selfishness, I'm still not unique. I never expected to live past 23. Yeah, that's what I hear. That a lot. I never expected to live past 23, so my suffering does not make me unique.
However, that type of lifestyle that destructive. Addicted lifestyle. It's not worth living, right? The god Consciousness inside of me knows. This is not my my choice and I obviously don't recommend this. We recommend recovery. But the god Consciousness inside of me knows death is actually an improvement. To that type of existence. Yeah, and you that happens, you
get a new meat suit. You can be starting this all over again, you know, you just playing the same game level because you didn't beat the dragon at the end. You're just gonna play that level again in a different meat suit. And this is a part, it says, goes right into so beautiful that you said this, it says it sets the stage think about setting the Stage, IT sets, the stage for the essential process of surrender.
Yeah, which it says, which involves letting go of our ego, German desires and behaviors accepting the reality of our addiction and opening up ourselves to the possibility, the possibility of change and healing. It's beautiful language. The In order to be born into something new, my old self has to die. in order to be willing to go through that death takes a lot of Courage, takes a lot of faith, takes a lot of willingness, if I'm In my addiction and unconscious. I don't have faith.
I don't have curves, I don't have willingness So there's this, I believe there's this moment of Grace. We've talked about it before that's presented to us that we can step through this little window. Where we can muster enough courage? We can muster enough faith. We can muster enough willingness
To start taking those actions. So it's almost like a prison with the very small window in it, you know like a like a I'm picturing in my brain, you know, like with the cinder blocks and there's just like the mold and there's rats running around and I've been in this prison for years and then all of a sudden, look at the window and said, there's no bars on that window. Maybe I can break it. What if I can squeeze through? Yeah, you know, it's that moment and this is the cool part.
When you this render process and we're going to get heavy into surrender. The next we're going to do a couple pockets on surrender, but it's this process of admitting that you're powerless over it. You know, that that's the process of saying, you know what, the life that I'm living is self-destruction and unmanageable. And I have to admit to myself that it's not all about me and I can't fix this. That's the that who I am right now. Jason maybe right now cannot fix this issue. Absolutely.
Yeah. The to get to that place is so difficult and usually again all it takes is everything. We got in that moment, have to be willing to put my ego aside source is screaming. So loud. We need you to put us first for once. Please put us first in that moment of putting Source first I can allow this idea of I'm not King Dwayne, I don't have it in. That's one of my favorite definition. Essence of admit admission when they give you a ticket at the
movie theater. And it says admit one, that means I got let in to the theater. They let me in. So I have to let that in to the part of me that is not ego to the part of me that a source I have to absorb that. I have to surrender to the fact that I can't do this, that's crazy. What we're going to get into the next episode. We'll get into the surrender side of things and understanding a little bit more and give you some tools. If you're at that window of Grace right now, that may be in
your life. I encourage you to delve into this. I mean you could study on your own there's lots of there's thousands of programs out there that you can be a part of. There's hotlines that you can call. We are not like medical professionals, all we're doing is just During our, you know, we're not certified anything or anything that all we're doing is you're sharing our journey in Sharing.
What is going on in our lives and kind of trying to be honest and transparent and and hope that that helps you. But if the best thing that you can do for us before we close out, Dwayne is I want people to understand sharing this. That's all we ask of you is to share this with others. If you know somebody, if this has helped you and you know somebody that has addiction just take the Time to just send them the link. You don't know. Maybe they'll laugh at you. Who cares?
Maybe they'll be like why are you sending this to me? Or maybe they'll be like thank you so much and most people are going to be like thank you. You know I needed that. I need to hear that. Also we're on Instagram. We're on YouTube. Leave a comment on YouTube. I saw that. There was a bunch of comments there today so and I love the comments and we'll do some answer in the comments. That'll be a fun show where we can, you know, answer the comments.
Some of them were funny which I love, you know. I love some good sarcasm and stuff like that, but you can DMS at at our Instagram Channel and if you have any questions, we would love to be able to answer them and just share our journey. Excellent.