Relationships. Oh boy, don't break my heart. Here we go. This is the And so how did your relationships go, Dwayne, when you were an addict? What relationships? They went up in flames. All. Of them, yeah, yeah. Women was like women would run the other direction for me. Really. You know, to be to be on a more serious note in my addictive behaviour, in my selfish, self-centered behaviour, I harmed every relationship I had, not not only my romantic relationships.
Like I harmed my relationship with my mother. I harm my relationship with my father. I harm my relationship with my brother. I harm my relationship with with coworkers and employers. I took from them. I took from them. I was blind in regards to my selfishness and destructiveness. Wait, wait. You have human emotions also, and this could upset you. No, it couldn't possibly be the truth. I'm the only one whose emotions
matter, right? So fuck however you feel about me. I'm taking this regardless and living that way for years, and living that way in every environment causes a lot of harm. That's crazy because you when you think about it, the road that you walk when you're just taking constantly especially because relationship you know it's like you know it it it's like a two way you know and then there's mirrors and all that
stuff. But whenever I'm taking constantly from every situation that I come into it leads to total destruction. It's so funny how that, you know, and I I'm always reminded of, I remember biblical stories, you know, because I grew up with him or whatever. But Satan was on the top of the mountaintop with Jesus, you know, on the very top. And he was tempting, you know, he was in the desert and he hadn't ate.
And like, physically he was at his worst point, you know, which I think of, like addiction is at your worst point. And then Satan started to cut deals with him and offer him things. He's like, just worship me, just worship me and I'll give you, you know, the kingdoms of the world, then I'll give you this and I'll give you that, you know, And Jesus, the story is Jesus overcame that, you know the temptations, and he was tempted just as we are, so he
can relate. But that's those moments where it's like, in my worst part of me, I expect the kingdoms of the world. I expect all of this is mine. Very good. You know, and and it's like, it's almost like it's the same thing with when we've talked about Adam and Eve a bunch, but it's the same thing like, how did Satan beguile Eve? By promising her everything, right? You'll know you'll have knowledge. You'll be as God yourself. Yeah, yeah. God's not holding back from you,
you know. And and it's the same way with relationships. It's like this view of when we put ourselves as God or at the center of the relationship, and then that person must worship us. Very good. Yeah, because that's what it was. You were a tyrant God. Bend it to my will and I will like you. The relationship's going to go well. If you act, if you behave, if you perform the way I need you to, you get to stay. If not in an unconscious addiction, I have such inner turmoil going on.
I'll create a conflict bad enough for you to leave. I'll blow it up. I'm like Wiley Coyote. You know how he pushes the dynamite stick down and it's slow? He It's a slow it's willful. We know what's going to happen. Yeah, we know he's going to blow. He's going to blow himself up. He does it. Every time that I was me in my addiction to the T, it was comical. It's such a hilarious. Yeah, yeah. But I blew everything up. That's crazy. And it's like, you know what's going on?
Like there's this deep down part of it. Very good. The God consciousness inside of me knows that this is against the intrinsic values that I have. I'm not in alignment. I'm out of alignment. I'm causing harm. My stomach is doing figure eights and it's not by accident like that's an internal barometer that addicts can easily shut down. The internal mechanism that tells me I'm in the right or wrong with drugs and alcohol, I can quiet that feeling. I can quiet that sense of
intuition out of alignment. If I if my heart's pounding and my stomach's doing figure eights, it's not by accident. I need to listen to that. I need to listen to that. And that's very good advice, especially if you're new in recovery. Trust. The intuition that we have inside of us, the whole entire Western world, is built on the intrinsic belief that there's something inside of me that's sacred. There's something inside of me worth honoring. You can't just destroy me. Listen to that.
It's so true. Do you feel like when it comes to relationships and your addiction, you know, you mentioned your family and then obviously you had, you know, different women, you know, different relationships with women and stuff like that. What? What were they saying to you like in the other person's shoes? Were they pointing out your addiction? Were they just as hard as you were? Were you attracting those type of people? Like what? What was happening on the other side?
It was usually a pretty big web of crazy, and my dysfunctional existence would definitely attract other dysfunctional individuals. So I wasn't swimming in great circles at that time. I was not attracting the best women because that's. What I'm saying like the other person is not all completely innocent. No, no, you're going to. Sometimes they're.
Yeah, you're going to get, you're going to attract the level of vibration you're at. So if I was vibrating at a very dysfunctional level, a very selfish, self seeking level, that's the type of partner I was getting. I was getting selfish women. I was getting crazy. I was getting unconscious just the way I was. I was exactly the same. Is that why addicts fall in love with each other in meetings? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We say the deeper the psychosis, the better the sex.
Exactly. And then you can get addicted to that. And you know, there's this web of of layers of addiction that needs to be pulled back and to. So I get to the root issue. The root issue is I don't feel comfortable in my skin with God alone.
I need something outside of me in order to be OK, Whether it's women, whether it's money, whether it's alcohol, whether it's drugs, I'm not OK. I need this outside substance to make me OK, And doing the inside work first, the know thyself first, that's an evolving adventure that takes time. But I'm willing to put in that time. I'm willing to have that transformation. I'm willing to experience that alchemy that takes place and gives me a brand new existence, gives me a brand new chance at
relationships. I got a new, I got a new lease on life. And really, it's important to understand, especially just in general, this is the structure of the universe. Life is about relationships. It's not necessarily romantic relationships. And the woman I'm attracting only. Yes, I have a relationship to my sexual partner, but I also have a relationship to my family. I have a relationship to money. I have a relationship to my car. I have a relationship to traffic
when I'm in my car. I have a relationship to my friends. I have a relationship to my clothing. I have a relationship to how I view the outside world. So my entire existence is about relationships. That's so true, yes. And what we are discussing right now is relationship alchemy. We're discussing how to transform this perceived struggle, this perceived pile of shit, into gold. How do I do that, Jason? How do I turn shit in the gold?
Yeah, I love that and and I want to kind of get into just real quick a little bit of history with Alchemy. So there was these crazy peeps back in the day that were alchemists and they would write all these, you know, like Miss like books and stuff like that. Like they said that even like Shakespeare, Francis Bacon and a bunch of alchemist type people, whether they were Masons or Masonic, we can get into all that occultic stuff or whatever, it doesn't matter.
And so they would practice alchemy, which is like chemical. That's where chemistry came from. It's people practicing alchemy, You know, It was the whole idea of Philosopher's Stone and turning lead into gold. And you know, you're gonna take these other things and then we're gonna be like a lot of people were thinking that it was more of like they're trying to become immortal, like a potion of immortality and they're trying to create gold.
So they have all the money. But what they found out later is when they begin to go through their works and go through all the drawings and everything else, it was more of a spiritual perspective. And Carl Jung did, he did the Red Book and and he even wrote a book on alchemy. And because he saw this as a psychological thing that was happening and the spiritual thing that was happening in inside of ourselves and what we can do with the creation.
Because when you, when you look at the first verse in the Bible, it says the earth is without forming void. And then the spirit moved upon the water and then God began to create and so there was nothing. It was void. And then, you know, there must have just been water and just this dark black planet 'cause he created light first, you know. And we have the same creational power in US, very powerful. We're we're something that seems just nothing and dark and bland.
We can bring light to that, and then it turns into the gold. You know, we can create. That's what creation is. And so that's what these alchemists, this process, and I kind of want to go through just real quick what spiritual alchemy is and then what will You can be practical, and I do want to ask you some questions with your relationships and stuff like that. When we seek in ourselves to transform our inner selves, just as the ancient alchemist sought
to turn lead into gold. This transformation is not about becoming someone different, but uncovering the truest version of ourselves. This is really important you, and you said this earlier, it's basically getting in touch with your higher self. And so if God is in you, it's just learning and having that relationship with that, that eternal immortal soul that just hops from meat suit to meat suit. It's just becoming in a relationship with that. Now you use a practice of
prayer. Absolutely. And affirmations and prayer. But you do a lot of prayer. When do you feel like was it the running in the woods time. And if you if you guys have been listening for a while, you know that story. But when do you feel like you begin to get in touch with God or your higher self? When in your addiction? When when was was this? What do you think? Was the biggest moment the pool
moment or? I think both of those both of those two you you got, you got me dead to rights here Jay. You know my story really well. The the practice of running in the woods and asking something bigger than the uncomfortable feeling that I was experiencing for help. There was this chemical reaction going on inside of my body that I didn't understand at the time. And part of it was because I was
doing something physical. There was literally, yeah, synapses, ATP, proteins, energy transforming in my body. My body was demanding effort and simultaneously I started tapping into source. I started tapping into creation. I started tapping into this idea of being a creator. What type of reality do I want to create? Am IA creator of my life or am I the victim of my life? I didn't want to be the victim of my life anymore.
So running in the woods during those prayers, an internal transformation started to take place. And you? Believe that the prayer. I don't mean to cut you off, but do you believe that the prayer was that communication that brought about the change? I believe, yeah, absolutely. I believe it was a catalyst to the change. Because you still pray pretty heavily now. All the time. Yeah. I mean like when you do your cardio in the morning, you're praying constantly.
Yeah, yeah, I'll do cardio 30 minutes. Fasted every single day. I got a streak of over 200 days going right now in a row. And those 30 minutes, I pray. I'll pray the entire time. Of course thoughts come in. Of course I worry about the bills. I worry about this apt. I worry about what she said. I worry about this in a while and that as soon as I can, I try and let those thoughts fade away and I return to the prayer.
What really helps is having something in my headphones that I'm listening to that is also a prayer. So that brings me present with the sense perception, the auditory sense perception of hearing, so I can hear the prayer at the same time. And that I really helps with the crazy thinking that goes away pretty quick if I can be present with what I'm hearing. So that transformation started to take place. That connection to God started to take place while I was running in the woods.
And I didn't know then, but I was kind of unearthing these this, this consciousness inside of me that's buried underneath my ego, that's buried underneath my fear, that's buried under into my desire for control, these things that are blocking me from a good existence. I didn't have a good life when I started running in the woods. You know what I mean? It was suffering. It was painful. It was not enjoyable. I didn't want to live.
And then six months of dedicated practice like that, that's when I had the pool moment. And I love that you brought that up, man. This was such a a powerful spiritual experience for me. There's been many spiritual experiences in my life. And really, if I'm on the beam, if I'm in alignment, it's all spiritual experience, like I'm walking with God all the time, but I have to be in the right
perspective to do that. If I'm in my ego, you motherfuckers are rubbing me wrong and and I'm not having spiritual experience, I'm having temper tantrum. So anyways, I was a glorified pool boy. I've been living in Taos, I was working as a landscaper in the summer, I was snowboarding in the winter, seasonal work all year long and I was praying my ass off. God relieve me of this obsession. God relieve me of this obsession. God would lead me in this obsession.
I did not want to return to drinking. I wanted to survive more than I wanted to drink. So I prayed my ass off. And this transformation started taking place inside of me, inside my spirit, Inside my soul. I was cleaning the pool at the Houston residence again. The leaves I dropped to my knees. I had not thought about alcohol and I hadn't thought about it in two weeks. It it just it hit me at that moment.
I didn't want it. This was something that drove every decision I ever made for a decade. I created my whole life. Around you thought about an. Hour, minute to minute. Like what I need? Who am I going to need to steal from in order to get it? Where can we hide? XY and Z dominated my whole life. I hadn't even thought about it, hadn't even entered my mind in over 2 weeks. And then when I went to the grocery store that afternoon, I saw the alcohol in the liquor aisle and it felt like
mayonnaise. It felt like nothing, felt like blah. I was placed in a position in neutrality. It's one of the greatest spiritual experiences I've ever had happen to me. It was a major transformation. I became something new. Yes, I was not the same Dwayne anymore. I had had a spiritual awakening. I'd had a transformation. I'd had this alchemy take place inside of us, and I didn't know then, but we know now and I can articulate now. I was getting in touch with the truest version of myself.
The real. You, the real me, the God centered Dwayne doesn't give a shit about alcohol. No, no, the real God centered Dwayne has gone through so many. Me too. It's it's like it's laughable. It's comical, it doesn't matter. Yeah, that's what I always look at when I talk to my higher self is like I know you've gone through this problem a million times, but here's where I'm at.
So the first stage, I want to get in the first stage of of these all chemical process so people can understand and that is purification of the soul. This involves purifying our soul. So purification is not fun. Anything that you purify, you got to have to heat it up, boil it. When you think of of water purification, yes, you know, like the number one, the quickest way to water, to purify some water is boil it, you know, and then it gets rid of, you know everything.
You know. When you're anything, you're purifying, it's it, there's a process to it and and usually requires heating or we call suffering, perceived suffering, whatever it is, it's a process of letting go because there's transformation here. So people need to understand this. When you begin to transform anything, whether it's a substance, a chemical, whatever it is, there has to be a process of letting go. You can't transform without letting go.
And what do you let go of? Well, number one is our thoughts are who we are. So limiting beliefs, negative emotions, because why it does not, and you've talked about this, it doesn't serve you right. Right. It's not in my best interest. That's a design for death. That's not a design for living. My, my alcoholism. My addiction is trying to kill me. That's why I had a conversation with somebody yesterday and I was like, your business is
you're serving your business. Your your your business is not serving you. You know, You know what I mean? Like you're, yeah, you're a slave to your business where it should be the other way around. And and this is the same thing, we're a slave to our emotions or limiting beliefs because the higher self, the higher good of doing, is helping people, is giving, is expanding, it is abundance. Those are all the highest things. And you know, for me, we always talk about it.
And Jordan Peterson, I love, we can say inner demons or whatever it is. Jordan Peterson says you have snakes in you, you know. Yes. You're a primate. You're a primate full of snakes. Why the fuck should I trust you? So what we tend to do in this process of purification of souls, we miss. And this work called Young talked about this alchemy, we miss the shadow side of things. So what we want to do is say, please, Jesus, forgive me of all my sins.
Let's not talk about the sins. Let's not go to the sins. Let's forgive them. Let's push them out of the way. And then let's just focus on the light, not the darkness. Purification is mastering the dark and the light. You got to have both. You've got to go in there, and that sucks. That shadow part of you, You have to find out, like, why is that there?
Very good. You know, maybe it was, you know, something when you were a child that was traumatic or, you know, whatever it may be. But you have to embrace the darkest version of you. You have to go into those dark tunnels, You know, Plato talked about that in hell, You know, going down to the abyss, going down into those tunnels. And what are in those tunnels? There's serpents, there's snakes, there's Dragons. You know, there's there's cats
that will eat you there. There's everything in there is scary. It's fearful and and we don't want to go there. But the fun part about the alchemy is when you begin to embrace the shadow side of you and understand it, then you're like, that's not real. Yeah, that's not real. That's not the real me, the real me, my higher Self. This is just a fear I had since I've been a kid. This is so powerful.
This is so good. When they said Jesus said or or or, it's said that Jesus will take the sins of the world upon him. Very easy to misunderstand. One new interpretation that I just heard that I really liked was. Well, what this really means is you need to understand what it is to be a Nazi concentration camp guard. Yes. You need to understand what it is to be the rapist. You need to understand that every single horrific thing perpetrated on planet Earth has been done by humans.
Yeah. And people say I can't do that or I would never do that. If you say you would never do that, then you're not taking the problem serious enough. OK, let me put a. Know yourself. Let me say you're going to be a concentration camp prison guard, and while you're being the prison guard, I have your daughter and wife, right? And I'm going to make sure that if you don't show up every day and be a prison guard, I'm going to kill your daughter 1st. And then I'll kill your wife,
right? Right. And I'll torture him. I'll rape him. I'll do whatever. Now what are you doing? I'm a prison guard. I'm. You better believe that I'm a prison guard. Give me the gun. So with the right circumstances, the shadow to nature will always come out the. Point of the sins of the world. You need to take the sins of the world upon you is to know every single horrific thing. The Nazi prison guard camp. The prison camp guard. The raping of the of the innocent.
That was done by a human. And you're a fucking human. You're capable of that too. That's what it means to know that shadow. That's what it means to know that darkness. You tell me, what does it mean when the Bible says the meek shall inherit the earth? What is? What did they mean by that when they said that? The meek shall inherit the earth it. Doesn't mean meek, Yeah, yeah, not, that's not. Right Meek. We always think of somebody like. Quiet, shy. What did what?
What did they mean? I I would think, I mean you you have the answer, but I would I would think like the meek are those that understand who they truly are. Very good there. It's something like the people that know how to use their sword but keep it sheathed. You need to understand you're a monster and choose not to be. I know that I'm capable of horrific hell, but I'm choosing to live the opposite existence in my recovery. That's so good, yes. That's know the shadow and know
the light. I can show you the way to the light because I've experienced the. Shadows. The part that gets me though with this is spiritual growth. A lot of shortcuts, a lot of self help stuff. A lot of religions go into denouncing. You need to denounce your shadow, not and. Carl Jung talked about this, and you need to get rid of the shadow. Like, ignore it, don't talk about it. Press it down, push it down and then I'll listen to Paggio the guy. Who dissembles?
Jordan Pajao? Yeah, Jonathan. Jonathan. And he was talking. He was talking yesterday. I was listening to him podcast while I was running. And he said he goes there's a reason why every culture has like a Halloween or a Mardi Gras or any of these day of deads or any of those he goes that's the shadow being able to come out in a party way. You know, like like you need to let it out every once in a while. But they it's it's not in a
regretful way. You know, like in the Jewish holidays, in the Bible, they have one where you can drink and have fun. And you know, you get out with family and you're dancing and you know, Halloween, we can be a little slutty and wear like crazy clothes and put makeup on. Yeah, and like all that stuff. You know, and he would they they would ask him a question about that and he goes, it's not that it's demonic or evil or Harry Potter or any of that stuff.
It's it's the shadow side of us being able to play with that, that we would be comfortable enough with our shadow that we could that we could play like wear a mask and have fun and and dance with somebody. If you're not comfortable with your shadow, then you would get drunk and then do something regrettable, powerful, whether you get in a fight or whether you screw somebody you shouldn't or whatever. But if you're comfortable, you can have a festival with the
darkness. You've mastered your monster. Yes. And now you can play with that energy. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I love that. He's so phenomenal because imagery and understanding this has been going on for 12,000 years. Yeah, human beings have been doing this for as long as there's been human beings. But that's what he said. And and and and I was like, oh, getting in, being so comfortable with the Shadow side.
I mean, it's like you're so comfortable with your shadow addiction that you can serve alcohol to people. You don't do that now, but you were. They used to for years. Yeah, used to for years and years. And it not tempt you at all? No, that's the shadow. That's the shadow. But that's also that position of neutrality. I I felt neutral. I had. I had no a desire for the alcohol because of the alchemy that took place inside of me, and that's really cool.
I never thought about it in that regards, like I was playing with my shadow. Yeah, serving alcohol. That's awesome. Well, we play with our shadow with lots of things, yeah, if you really think about it, but the Alchemy is mastering. It is. It's understanding the monsters there, but being able to master. Them so powerful. And then if you can play, I mean, if you play with it, that's even you mastered even more. Yes, because it's fun and it's not so serious. It's not.
Keep it suppressed and put it in the closet. Because we know what And that's what he was talking about with Halloween and all this is puranical like, Oh my God, this is evil. This is, you know, so you begin to suppress things and then anytime, and we've seen this in, especially here in the United States with Christianity. I'm so glad you said that, bro, 'cause I fell into that big time this last Halloween. I was like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to worship the devil. I don't.
You know who I am? I'm. Above this, Well, that's why he was saying it's important to explain to your kids what it is. I'll send you the podcast that's really good. But you know, 'cause but he was talking about that with like JK Rawlings and Harry Potter. He's like, there's all this darkness and stuff. Yeah, phenomenal. But it's all and like Christians and stuff like that will be like well that's witchcraft.
That's evil And he goes, no, it's it's it's the light and the dark playing out in the hero's journey. So you need to see both and, and you've talked about the different characters in it, and and we. Were we were Harry Potter for Halloween this year? My whole family was I was Voldemort. I was straight Satan. And that's your shadow. Yes, yeah. And we had a blast. And and and so if you could train a child that they could understand the light in the shadow aspects of their
personality, bro. You're setting them up for success. Yeah, they'd be like, it would almost be funny, like that's just a shadow, that's. Just a shadow. That's instead of saying you need to behave different. Yes, fuck mom and dad. Fuck the public school system. The government's against me. Instead of saying all that, you would understand That's just their shadow, that's what they're going. Through and different people have different shadows. Like maybe you have like with me.
I have a food addiction. The shadow of me is hiding behind a Krispy Kreme and eating a dozen of Donuts. You know are going to Taco Bell and eating 12 tacos. Yeah, it's dozens. I don't know why everything's in a dozen. I like the 1212 Tacos 12 but. Real quick, but I apologize to interrupt. But the real quick, one of my favorite analogies for the purification process. We've talked about this a lot,
but it's the blacksmith. It's the blacksmith hammering out a sword and you talked about the heat and how hot does a blacksmith have to get the metal in order to transform it into liquid? I like this and hammer it into the shape that he is, is, is seeking. Gotta get it pretty fucking hot. That's crazy the. Hotter the flames. The more pure the metal is on the other side of that transformation, the better the sword. Same goes for my spiritual development. The hotter the flames, the
deeper the pain. The deeper the pain, the better individual I am on the other side of this chemical transformation that's taking place inside of my soul. I'm transforming into a fucking weapon. I'm going to be versatile. This is actually going to make me useful. This pain is birthing something that's going to be of service. Because if you shortcut or cheat the process, you will have a sword that will break in battle. Very good. That's the same when Young talks
about a cheap wisdom. You don't want wisdom that you didn't earn. No, no, that was the psychedelic stuff. But we don't need to get into. That so the next one is the Philosopher's Stone, and we'll stay here for a while. We're going to have to do 2 parts on this, so we'll do part one and Part 2 because I want to stay here for a little bit on this. In alchemy, the Philosopher's Stone, our inner wisdom is not just a mythical substance, but a symbol of divine wisdom and
enlightenment. So our Inner Philosopher's Stone is our core wisdom, the part of us that remains unchanging amidst the chaos of life. So let's stop there. So back in the day with The Alchemist, they would always talk and they have all these cool drawings, these alchemical like paintings and stuff and they're it's they're crazy looking. You'll see like a draghead and then there's like a sword where you're talking about, you know?
And then there's two guys and they're tarot cards, have a lot of alchemical stuff in it. And and one of the things in understanding the Philosopher's Stone is understanding that there's this inner wisdom in you that is eternal. And that's what the Philosopher's Stone. It's not about finding eternity, it's about understanding that you are already eternal. You already are that. Yeah, there, there is an inner wisdom in you that is eternal,
that has all the answers. So the Philosopher's stone is that part of you, that higher self that's in you that has divine wisdom, that is enlight. It's already enlightened and and in all enlightenment is just being able to understand you know the universe, understand the laws of the universe, understand you know, like you said, you would just be neutral. Be connected to God in the present moment. Yeah, like, yeah, like like the universe doesn't care either
way. No, it has perfect polarity. It's indifferent. Yeah, and this is something that you know, as above, So below the shadow is the below. But they're the same. Like you need war to have peace. Right. You've got to have a ton of war usually leads to a ton of peace in that cyclic wave system. You know that we have in our SO if there's something good happening, there's a polarity of supposedly something bad, and neither are bad or good. Your light side is just as good
as your shadow side. As important. Your shadow side, my shadow side teaches me the most, you know more than the light side. But so this is really cool and I'm going to talk to you about this with your addiction.
When we look at this inner core wisdom and you begin to experience and feel that when you were at the pool, in that realization, when you drop to your knees and you said I haven't thought about alcohol in two weeks, it wasn't that you didn't think about alcohol in two weeks, it's that you had the power. Because what happened a few hours later is you went to the liquor. I mean, you went to the supermarket and there was mayonnaise on the shelf. That's alchemy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was.
I have. I'm not a victim to a fucking bottle with liquid in it, Correct. You know what I mean? That's what dropped you to your knees. It's like I I am powerful. I can create. Yeah. Yeah. You may not have realized it in that moment, 'cause you were focused on the outcome, you know, And that's what a lot of people do. They focus on the outcome. They don't realize that inner wisdom. What happened in that moment, that spiritual moment was your higher self came out absolutely
and pointed to you. It's like hey Dwayne, it's been 2 weeks. Look how bad ass we are. Yeah. It's so beautiful now, 13 years down the road and now with continued study and education, and I'm so grateful that you're, you've studied this alchemy process so much, Jason. And now with that time and that experience and this articulation, now I can say that that's exactly what happened. I got in touch with the appropriate power, with that inner wisdom inside of me that
is always known. You don't need this. You don't need this in order to be OK. What you need is connection to source. What you need is alignment. What you need is shoes of inner being. Are you standing in the shoes of your inner being? Are you standing away from who you truly are? And so, yeah, it dropped me to my niece. It was it was like my Moses burning Bush fucking experience. It was a it was a white light experience for me. I haven't had many, but that was
one of them. The shoes of Inner Being reminds me of the Wizard of Oz. You know, with door to door. With the red shoes, you know she's. Clicking. Yeah, it's like those are my inner being shoes. And it transports her to the new. World. Yeah. And that that's what the Philosopher's Stone is. It's it's this ability to be able to drop into something that's unchanging because you know, you have that higher self, you have that inner wisdom, you
have that divine enlightenment. So there's it's there's chaos going all around you. Like like there's Dorothy with this big whirlwind, but she's in her shoes and she's in total control. Any situation, just click click and she's out. So powerful. You know, and and that's the shoes of inner being, That's the shoes of the higher Self is being able to OK, there's chaos
happening right now. Yeah, well, my higher self has been through this chaos a gazillion times, so I can instantly, in my higher Self, bring order to that chaos. So fucking good what you just said. What was the first line in Genesis? How did the Bible start? The earth without form and void, yeah. And then the Spirit of God moved upon chaos. It was. Literally water. Yeah, and nothing void. Straight chaos. No. Circle no. Or if it's void, it can't be.
Like nothingness. Yeah. God spoke order into existence and that's that light, that's that shadow, that's the order coming into my darkness. And I need both. I understand that this is the pre, pre cosmogonic chaos that exists in my addiction. Yes, it's as old as the cosmos. Straight chaos. The alignment with source, the alignment with God, the alignment with shoes of inner being. I get to experience some order. I get to experience some balance. That order gives me hope.
It's not just pure chaos and tornado anymore. And that gives me a direction, that gives me meaning, that gives me understanding. I have a chance. I have a chance at actually living a life that is productive and worthwhile. So the alchemy is that that order can transform my existence. You don't wanna have too much of that either. Yeah, 'cause then you have the Tyrant, then you have Pharaoh.
Yeah, you don't want that, that that philosopher's stone is to be able to understand that you can have chaos and and order and order together and it should be balanced like you like having fun and playing. Yes, and that's. Can be our creativity or art. Can be a form of kids. Right. Beautiful. Beautiful. That's the same as Taoism. That's the same as Ying Yang. Yeah, like, like if you're an actor and you're playing a part in the movie, you're not that
character. No, you're playing a role, but you're bringing chaos through the role. Oh yeah, especially if you're a bad guy. And it's fun. Yeah, and it's fun. Yeah, did you know that they cast me as the villain in every school play and I never even tried out? The Higher Self was like. I was still in my addiction, you know, and I was just ego surface all the time, bro. They made me the villain every school play.
Yeah, it's so funny. The that show Breaking Bad from here, that kid, that part just Jesse, just, it just hit me so hard when he's like, he did it really heartfelt, too. He's like, I finally realized I'm just a bad person. I'm just a bad person. He just gave in to his chaos. He just gave in and was like, I don't have any higher self. This is just who I am. And it just led to, you know, chaos. It leads chaos, leads to chaos.
It's going to be more. Death and destruction is what it led to. That's what it led to the fuck it all pill. Yeah, it doesn't matter. And that's very dangerous for us. That leads me to death. That leads me to destruction. It's important to say that the willingness that I'm exhibiting just listening to this podcast means I'm not. I don't want to. Death and destruction.
Yeah, And I want to, I want to say something controversial because there's a lot of people that are out there that think they need to pray to a God and then that external God will come in and and save them. Like I can't save myself. Oh, God, help me, dear Jesus, help me, forgive me of my sins. Come into my heart and save me. You know, I need you to fly down from heaven and save me. You know where And there's the philosopher's stone that's in you.
Very good. Like you can the the best answer for any of your chaos or problems in life is in you. I don't. There's nothing external that can help me, my girlfriend or your wife or your kids. They can't help you. Your boss, or I mean you're your own boss, but you know my boss can't help me. If I put that burden on them in order to save me, it would be
too much. The only one that can handle that much pressure is God and the God consciousness that I like to call source, that I like to call higher power that lives inside of me. We say you walk around with a solution 24/7. What the fuck you complaining for? Yes, you already have the answer. It's in your back pocket. Fucking pull it out and use it. And it takes a lot of work in order to get in touch with that inner being.
When I was new, I remember standing outside of the meeting hall and it was a beautiful sunset in Taos, NM going down. And if you've experienced New Mexico's sunsets, you know, and sunrises, oranges and Peach and and red and and pink and the Sky's on fire. And I stood out there and I said with this old crotchety man, I said I think that's where God lives. And he went and he hit me really hard in the chest And he said. That's where God lives. He was teaching me. He was teaching me.
You're walking around with the solution. Don't look out there for the solution. It's inside of you. Isn't it amazing too with that we correlate beauty with God and external beauty with God? Like or like? Obviously God wouldn't live in me 'cause I'm not that beautiful inside, but God could live in. That we have such little. Look how beautiful. That is, this is a very common experience, especially with addicts. We don't have a high opinion of
ourselves. When you're when you have a a pet and the pet is prescribed prescription medication, 90 to 100% of pet owners will administer the medication all the way through the the the entire the entire duration. They they take all the pills they were supposed to take. They do the whole course of medicine. When the individual goes to the doctor and gets the medication, 50% of people won't even fill the medication.
That's crazy. And then another third of the 50% that did don't take it to its full course. That's nuts. I have such a low opinion of myself, I'm not even going to get well. Yeah, they've. I was watching a thing the other day you had they were proving that you can give advice to other people better than you can yourself. Absolutely same idea, same principle here. So how do I start having a higher opinion of myself? I'm not gonna think my way and to good living.
This is good. We need to stay here. I'm. Not gonna I'm not gonna think my way in a good living. Hello, Dwayne. You're a great guy. Everyone loves you 'cause I'm used to tearing myself apart. In my mind. I'm gonna act my way into good living. I have to start taking actions that I can be proud of.
But if I knew I had a Higher Self that lived in me and all I needed to do through prayer, through whatever it may be, whatever modality, I can tap into that and create, open that connection up. But it's there with me forever. That makes sense. That makes total sense to me. I don't need to climb a mountain or or put my knees in broken
glass. Go see a St. that will hopefully talk to me or walk a path like they did in the show Foundations where you had to go to special thing to get into a pool where who knows what happens there. You know, we're wanting these external spiritual experiences. Or talk to a guru. Or whatever it is, When it's there, it's already there. Right, right. The majesty of life is all around us, and I'm too conditioned in my ego to see it.
I can't even see it because I'm so busy worrying about what I'm here to get instead of how grateful I am. I get to have this existence. The artist, that's what the artist does for us. Art is so important. You mentioned beauty, the beauty of a sunset. Beauty is so important because it reminds us that the majesty of life, the beauty of living is all around. But I'm so caught up in my day. I'm so caught up in my addiction. I don't have fucking time to look at beauty. Yes, exactly.
So the artist does that for us. And it's a nice practice to be able to slow down a little bit and recognize, oh, there's majesty all around me. I get to actually create my own world. Do I want to create a shitty environment? Or do I want to create a beautiful, prosperous life? Something that I can be proud of, something that I can share with others, something that I can contribute to others? That's a wild idea.
When I'm in my addiction, I'm here to hurt you and take from you, and it's about me. Flip that on the other side, with the alchemy, it's like, can you transform yourself into something new? Can you be a different type of individual? What would it mean to be a different type of individual? Would you like that person start acting in the way that you would like that person? Yeah, and know that there's inner wisdom in you that can guide you to be that better person.
Like, like, pray to it. Like, hey, that's what I do all the time. I talk to my heart. I'm crazy, you know? Like, I'm crazy now because I talk to my higher self all the time. I'm like, what would you do in this situation? And usually it's pretty good. It's like you're getting too emotional about this. You're you're pissed off and you're being negative for no reason.
How does this really affect you? You know, so I would ask people and challenge people, as you said, to understand and have gratitude, you know, gratitude for beauty, gratitude for why don't you start? Because there was a statement that I shared with you the other day, and it's so cool, and I wanted to mention this to in closing, things that you bless, bless you back. Things that you damned damned you back. What if you started thanking God for your diction instead of damning it?
That would be an alchemic process, wouldn't it change the paradigm, It would change my whole perspective. On you you would thank God for your diction now. It's my greatest asset. It used to be the thing that kicked my ass the most. Used to be the thing that I was most ashamed of. I would never tell anyone, and now it's what makes me most useful in the world.
What's so cool too? Because you can go back and say, you know what, I kicked that fucking piece of shit dragon and that was the biggest fucking dragon in my life. So this thing I got right now, that Dragon's not even that's like a small one of those little puny, puny little fucking dragon. Yeah, that's a little guy. I could. I could poke him with a fork and he'll die compared to having to take this fucker.
Sure. Well, And I've transformed myself into the sword that can handle the fucking dragon. It's like, bring it on. I know I can handle Dragons because I've been through the forge, I've been through the Crucible. I've lived a journalist. The the hero's journey. Let's do it again. I'm not here to stay stagnant. Yeah, your battle warn. I mean, you're just like you too. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're battle test.
You've lived 3-4 lives in the amount of existence you've had so far. Yeah, and that's the beautiful part. And I encourage everyone start having gratitude. Like if you can't do anything, just start thanking God for everything. Thank God for the tree. Thank God for the rock. Thank God for the beauty bark. Thank God for the shitty job that you have. Thank the employees that are around you. Thank thank your parents that won't talk to you anymore because of your addiction,
because you stole from them. You know, just start thinking things like crazy. We we we were talking about that last year and I did that for a little bit. For me, gratitude helps my depression. Huge because in my depression I'm all about me and I'm feeling sorry for myself. Self pity. But gratitude pulls me out of that self pity. And then I begin to realize what's really out there. And like you said, it's all. It's all sunsets. The things you bless, bless you back. That's so good.