52. Want to Be More Authoritative at Work? Building Confidence Is a Waste of Time

If you're listening to this the day it comes out, then we're about a week away from my brand new free LIVE training, "5 Steps to Speak Like a Senior Leader," happening on July 16th at 3pm ET. Make sure you have grabbed your spot at melodywilding.com/training. I'm breaking down the simple roadmap our clients at Fortune 500 companies use to sound credible, clear, and position themselves to get paid 20-40% more without working tons of extra hours. We'll cover what's going wrong if you aren't commanding credibility and respect, what it really means when you're told you need "executive presence," and the small tweaks you can make today to articulate yourself with such polish that your boss's boss says "we need you looped in earlier."

And by the way, at the end of that training, I'm publicly opening the doors to Speak Like a Senior Leader™ – this is my complete coaching that officially begins September 10th and ends December 3rd.  It’s for mid-to-senior level professionals who are tired of feeling like their expertise isn't translating into the credibility, recognition, and opportunities they deserve. 

▪️ 12 weeks of live coaching where we workshop your actual presentations, emails, and high-stakes conversations – you can get coached by me for 90 mins every single week 

▪️The complete SPEAK System™ – my proven framework and tactical strategies for structuring your thoughts under pressure, making the complex instantly clear, building internal champions, recovering when things go sideways and much more

▪️ Immediate access to my Coaching Tools Library – 80+ templates, scripts, and guides you can start using right away to ask strategic questions in meetings, push back on demands, and stay composed when you’re emotionally hijacked.  

▪️A high-caliber peer group and private community space where you can ask questions between calls and get additional support.

▪️ Recordings and searchable transcripts you can reference again and again. 

Now to prepare for both the program and the free training, I sent out a survey to my email subscribers, because of course, there's no better way for me to make sure my content is directly relevant to your situation and your struggles? I got so many thoughtful, detailed replies back, and if you took the time to fill it out, thank you. Your input directly informed this episode and honestly, it's shaping how I'm thinking about the entire program.

As I was reading through all these responses, I noticed something really interesting. There was this undercurrent running through many of the answers. This pattern of "if this, then that" logic that kept showing up over and over again. And honestly, it was so subtle that at first I didn’t think much of it, because this logic, on the surface, makes perfect sense… And boils down to this:  

If I had more confidence, then my communication problems would be solved.

Seems pretty simple and straightforward, right? If I was more confident, then speaking up in meetings wouldn't be a problem. If I believed in myself more, then I'd naturally know what to say when the CEO asks me a question. If I felt more sure of myself, then I wouldn't stumble through presentations.

Again, all seems perfectly reasonable! And maybe if you haven't RSVP'd for the free training yet, maybe you're thinking something similar to yourself:

"I'll skip it because first I need to work on being less nervous while presenting."

"If I just could believe in myself more, the words would come naturally."

"Once I prove myself with a few more wins, I'll feel confident enough putting my thoughts out there."

"When I stop caring so much about what people think, then I'll be able to disagree with my boss."

"If I can just get over my fear of looking stupid, then I'll contribute more in leadership discussions."

Here's what I see happening: You've identified a real problem! You want people to take you and your ideas seriously. You want for people to buy in and listen when you speak without second-guessing every word before it comes out of your mouth. These are all legitimate, important goals! 

And you've decided that the path to solving these problems runs through confidence. That if you could just feel more sure of yourself, more unshakeable in your sense of worth, then all these communication challenges would resolve themselves.

But what if that “if this, then that” logic—the idea that confidence has to be your biggest focus—is what’s keeping you stuck? Today, I want to unpack why this seemingly sensible approach might actually be what’s getting in your way from becoming more authoritative at work. Instead of helping you speak with clarity and influence, it may be wasting your time—and worse, backfiring in the moments when you want to have the most presence. 

Let me paint a picture of what it actually looks like when you're overindexing on “building confidence” as your main strategy. You might not realize you're doing this! 

You consume—but don’t act.

You read all the books. You follow every thought leader. You listen to podcasts like this one (don't get me wrong – I love that you consume my content, please don't stop listening!). You take notes. You highlight. You download every PDF worksheet. You’ve got a whole folder of resources titled “Executive Presence” or “Leadership Skills.”

You think the answer is in knowledge and information, so you keep seeking more and more. And instead of asking why you’re hesitating, you tell yourself: I just need more time. I just need to understand it better first. I just need to review my notes again or set aside a full day to go through everything. 

This is intellectualizing at its finest. You’re gathering information to soothe your anxiety—not to support action. So you keep researching. You keep listening. You keep tweaking your plan. It feels productive, because technically, you’re “working on it.” But what you’re really doing is stalling. You’re trying to outsmart the emotional risk by overloading on knowledge.

It’s not bad behavior—it’s just misdirected energy. You’re doing the mental equivalent of pacing the hallway instead of walking into the room and having a conversation. 

Another trap to watch out for is spending an inordinate amount of time on mindset work without seeing results.

You’re doing daily mantras about your worth and capabilities. You’ve got affirmations on sticky notes—your mirror, your desk, maybe even your laptop background.
 You’re visualizing yourself speaking confidently in board meetings, owning the room, commanding attention.  You’re journaling to explore your feelings about visibility, about your relationship with authority, about how your past experiences might be shaping your fear of stepping into leadership.  You might even be working with a coach or therapist—specifically on confidence issues, on self-belief, on breaking through your inner critic.

And look—I’m not knocking any of that. Mindset work absolutely matters. It’s meaningful. It’s healing. It’s necessary. It’s a big part of what we do inside my other program RESILIENT.  

But where it gets slippery is when you start using your emotional state as a decision-making tool. To fully determine what actions you will or will not take. You’re making action conditional on comfort.

You’re letting your readiness be defined by your feelings, rather than your intentions. And when your emotional state is running the show, you’ll always be able to find a reason to wait:

“This week’s been chaotic.” “I’m not in the right headspace.” “I’m still working through some things emotionally.”

And I get it—there’s a certain safety in staying in the mindset work. It feels introspective. Responsible. Emotionally intelligent.

But eventually, all that journaling and inner work starts to become its own comfort zone. A beautifully wrapped, self-aware bubble that can also become an echo chamber. You’re alone with your thoughts, analyzing your resistance, trying to “figure it out” before taking the next step. You start looping: Why do I feel this way? What’s underneath that? Where did that pattern come from? And before you know it, you're six layers deep in a self-diagnosis spiral, but still haven’t had the conversation that’s keeping you up at night.

Even worse, it can turn into a fun house mirror—where you’re just caught staring back at yourself. Your perspective gets distorted, not clearer. You start mistaking self-awareness for progress. You think because you understand your fear, it means you’re closer to moving through it. You’re trying to think your way out of a pattern that only changes through doing.

And if you’ve been circling the same challenges over and over while telling yourself you’re still “working on your mindset,” it might be time to ask: Am I actually growing… or just getting better rehashing the same fears, hesitations, and hang ups over and over again?

And here’s one more sign you might be over-relying on confidence as your strategy to gain more authority at work:  You’ve bought into the idea that confidence is the gold standard for everything.That if you could just believe in yourself more, all your problems at work would disappear. That confidence is the key to credibility, visibility, executive presence—you name it.

And listen, it’s not your fault. That message is everywhere. The self-help industry has been selling us this idea for decades—because it’s sexy, it’s alluring, it’s easy to package and have people buy into because they want it SO bad. It taps into that universal feeling of “not enough” and promises a fix.

But confidence and competence are two completely different things. And that REALLY matters. Think about it this way: I could feel incredibly confident about performing brain surgery. I could believe in my head me, Melody Wilding, is the best doctor in the world. I could walk into that operating room with with so much swagger. 

But  I don’t actually know how to perform brain surgery—I don’t have the skills, tools, training, or reps. So that confidence isn’t just useless.  It’s dangerous.

And while the stakes might not be life or death in your job, the same principle applies. Confidence without competence and capability is hollow. 

So if you’ve been chasing confidence like it’s the final destination, it’s worth asking:
 Who told me that confidence was the thing I needed most?  And what has that belief actually gotten me? What does that end state actually look like? How will I know I’m confident? What skills does that mean I have? What can I do differently as a result? THAT’s what is concrete and what you can measure. 

So now that we’ve broken down what over-relying on “building confidence” actually looks like—now that you can see how it shows up in your behavior, your patterns, and your decision-making—it’s time to shift the lens.

Because confidence does play a role. It’s not irrelevant. But it’s been completely over-glorified, misrepresented, and misunderstood. Especially when it comes to how you communicate, lead, and show up in high-stakes conversations.

So let’s recalibrate. I want to walk you through five of the biggest myths about confidence that I see mid-to-senior level professionals believing—and the truths that actually help you speak with more clarity, credibility, and command at work. If you’ve been feeling like your expertise isn’t translating into influence, like you’re still not getting taken seriously no matter how much you prepare or perfect—this is where we start untangling that.

Myth #1: You have to feel confident to take action. Truth: You have to take action to feel confident.

This by far is the biggest trap I see people fall into. The idea that feeling ready has to come first. It’s the exact opposite. If you are multitasking right now, come back to me and listen because I can’t overstate how important this is. Confidence is a result, not a prerequisite. Confidence is earned through DOING, not just through thinking.

Flash back with me to the last time you felt genuinely confident about something at work.  I’m willing to bet it wasn’t because you stood in front of a mirror reciting affirmations or suddenly woke up one morning and decided to “believe in yourself more.” It was probably because you’d done it—maybe not perfectly, maybe not without a few shaky moments—but you did it. You got through it. You didn’t die. You learned something as a result. You reset your fear center that said this thing is scary and unknown. 

That’s where confidence really comes from. Not from a perfect performance. Not from waiting until you’re 100% sure. But from exposure. From putting in the reps and the practice. From lived experience. I hate that this is true but Confidence is built through contact with reality—through stretching your edges and proving to yourself, I can handle this. Even if it was awkward. Even if your voice shook. Even if it didn’t land exactly how you wanted.

Because now, the next time you walk into a similar situation, your nervous system has a point of reference. You’ve built proof. You’re not relying on hope or indulging in fear. You have a track record of capability—not in being flawless, but in showing up and following through. And THAT’s what builds deep self trust and self belief faster than anything else. 

Confidence is a lagging indicator, which means it’s something that shows up after the action—not before. You don’t wake up one day magically feeling confident and then do the big scary thing. More often, you do the big scary thing—and then, over time, confidence starts to build because you did it.

And when it comes to authority at work—how others actually decide whether to trust you, promote you, or take your ideas seriously—what matters more than how confident you feel is consistency. 

So if you’ve been waiting to feel confident before you contribute more, ask for more, or show up with more authority… you need to seriously consider that the feeling you’re waiting for may never come. Not because you’re broken. Not because you’re incapable. But because confidence doesn’t just That’s not how this works—especially at the mid to senior level.

The higher you go in your career, the less clarity you get.
 You’re expected to operate with less direction, fewer check-ins, and little to no validation. You’re navigating constant change—new stakeholders, evolving goals, shifting timelines. The rules aren’t written down anymore. The expectations are often unspoken.

And yet, the pressure is higher. You’re expected to have a point of view. To move things forward. To challenge the status quo without being asked. And here’s the kicker: the people around you will assume that if you’re quiet, it’s because you don’t have something valuable to say.

So if you’re still waiting for that feeling of certainty—that clean, “yes, this is the right moment, I’m ready now” moment—you’re going to be waiting a long time. That moment rarely comes. Especially in leadership.

You end up stuck in your head, second-guessing, rehearsing instead of contributing. And while you’re busy trying to get it right, other people—sometimes less experienced, less thoughtful, less prepared—are filling the space you left open.

And here’s the brutal truth: at this level, no one is going to reach down, tap you on the shoulder, and say, “You’re ready now. Go ahead.”

They’re watching to see if you will claim the space. If you’ll speak into the ambiguity. If you’ll bring clarity, even when no one asked you to. That’s what builds credibility.

Not waiting until you’re sure.
 But learning how to move even when you’re not. 

Now on to Myth #2. Confidence is Achieved Through Epic Success. Truth: Confidence is achieved through small wins

We think that authority comes from those big, flashy moments. Sitting on a prestigious panel, delivering the keynote at the company retreat, leading the all-hands meeting where you announce major strategic changes. We've been conditioned to think that these are the moments that make or break our reputation, that these are where real leaders prove themselves, on the bigger stages. 

So what happens? You put enormous pressure on these high-visibility opportunities. You over-prepare. You stress about every word. You treat them like career-defining moments where one wrong move could derail everything you've worked for. It’s like a tightrope. And then you wonder why you feel so anxious when these opportunities arise and probably resist or turn them down altogether. 

What I have seen time and time again with our clients is that these flashy moments aren't where confidence and credibility are BUILT. It’s where it’s displayed.

The real work – the work that creates genuine authority – happens in the small, everyday interactions that most people completely overlook. It's how you handle the meeting before the meeting, where you have to get someone on board with an idea . It's the Slack message where you have to navigate someone's resistance without escalating the conflict. It's the weekly staff touchbase where you need to position your team's progress in a way that demonstrates you’re adding value.

These moments feel insignificant because they're not witnessed by lots of other people. There's no audience. But this is precisely why they're so powerful for building confidence and competence. The stakes feel lower, so you can experiment. You can try new approaches. You can make mistakes and recover without feeling like your entire career is on the line.

Think about it: if you can handle pushback effectively in a casual Slack conversation, you'll feel more confident handling pushback in the boardroom. If you can position your team's work strategically in a routine staff meeting, you'll feel more prepared to do it when the CEO is in the room. These small interactions become your training ground.

This is how you put in the reps without the suffocating pressure that comes from treating every interaction like a make-or-break moment. And just like we talked about with myth #1, confidence is a result not a pre-req, these reps – they compound. Each small success builds on the last one. Each time you successfully navigate a minor challenge, your brain logs it as evidence that you can handle similar challenges in the future.

Something even more important happening in these everyday moments though: trust is being built. Your reputation and perception is forming. Not in dramatic, one-time breakthroughs. But in small, consistent actions that add up. Trust is built in patterns. When you handle a tense Slack exchange calmly instead of reacting? That person learns: you’re steady.  When you give clear, strategic updates in a routine meeting? People think: you get it. You see the big picture.  When you push back on an unrealistic deadline without making it a fight? Your manager learns: you can be trusted to protect both the team and the work. They experience your clarity, your judgment, your steadiness—over time.

And that consistency? That’s what makes people trust you with more. More visibility. More responsibility. More influence.

The professionals who seem effortlessly confident in high-stakes moments have usually spent months or years building that confidence through lower-stakes interactions. They've practiced difficult conversations in safe environments. They've experimented with different ways of framing their ideas. They've learned to read rooms and adapt their communication style through countless small interactions where the cost of failure was minimal.

This is why the "fake it till you make it" approach often backfires, especially when the heat is on and all eyes are on you. You're trying to perform confidence in moments that actually require competence. But when you build confidence through small wins, you're not performing anything. You're drawing on a real foundation of experience.

This approach also changes how you think about failure. When you're focused on epic moments, failure feels catastrophic because so much seems to be riding on each opportunity. But when you're focused on small wins, failure becomes data. You can try something in a staff meeting, see how it lands, adjust your approach, and try again next week. The learning cycle is faster and less emotionally charged.

Moving on to Myth #3: Confidence Equates to Unwavering Self-Belief. Truth: Confidence Fluctuates Depending on the Circumstances

Senior leaders DO NOT wake up every day feeling certain about their abilities, never doubting themselves, never experiencing moments of uncertainty or nervousness. Anyone who tells you they feel confident all the time is either lying or they're a sociopath. Seriously. Normal, functioning humans have varying levels of confidence depending on the situation. If someone claims they never feel nervous or uncertain, they're either completely out of touch with reality or they're selling you something.

This myth is seductive because it makes confidence seem like a permanent personality trait – something you either have or you don't. And if you're someone who experiences fluctuating confidence, who feels sure of yourself in some situations but uncertain in others, you start to think there's something fundamentally wrong with you. You think you need to fix this "inconsistency" before you can have the level of presence and respect you want. 

I’ve worked with thousands of professionals at all levels, including C-suite executives at public traded companies. Without a shadow of a doubt I can tell you that the most successful people embrace the idea that confidence is situational. It fluctuates based on context, familiarity, stakes, and a dozen other factors. 

Think about your own experience. You probably feel confident explaining your area of expertise to peers, but less confident presenting to the board. You might feel sure of yourself in written communication but nervous about speaking up in meetings. You could be comfortable with your team but intimidated by senior stakeholders. This isn't a character flaw – it's completely normal and expected.

Your brain is constantly assessing risk and familiarity. When you're in situations where you have experience and knowledge, the competence we’ve been talking about comes more easily. When you're in unfamiliar territory or high-stakes situations, your nervous system activates.

The problem comes when you think these fluctuations means you're not "really" confident and you make that into a problem. You put a layer of shame on it.You judge yourself for feeling nervous before big presentations or uncertain when entering new territory. Which guess what? Only makes things worse and makes you choke. 

There's a Buddhist teaching about this called the second arrow. The first arrow is the initial pain or discomfort – in this case, the natural nervousness you feel before a high-stakes conversation. That's biology. That's your nervous system doing its job, assessing risk and preparing you for something important. The second arrow is the suffering you create by judging that first experience – "I shouldn't feel this way," "Confident people don't get nervous," "This means I'm not leadership material."

The Buddha taught that the first arrow is unavoidable. Life brings challenges, discomfort, uncertainty. But the second arrow – the story we tell ourselves about that discomfort – that's optional. And it's usually more painful than the original experience.

When you judge yourself for feeling uncertain, you create a feedback loop of anxiety. Now you're not just nervous about the presentation – you're nervous about being nervous. You're not just uncertain about the difficult conversation – you're ashamed of your uncertainty. You've turned one manageable emotion into a spiraling mess of self-criticism that hijacks your ability to think clearly. This is exactly how people who are perfectly competent end up choking in moments that matter. They're fighting two battles: the external challenge and the internal judgment about how they should be feeling while facing that challenge.

The professionals who handle high-pressure situations well aren't the ones who never feel the first arrow. They're the ones who've learned not to shoot the second one.

Instead, they focus on doing what they need to do alongside their emotional state, not in spite of it. They practice specific skills for navigating uncertainty in real time. They know how to think on their feet when asked unexpected questions. They've developed diplomatic ways to deflect questions when they don't know the answer. They've mastered the art of admitting they need help without making themselves look weak or incompetent. 

And this connects directly to something I noticed in that survey I mentioned at the beginning of this episode. And this connects directly to something I noticed in that survey I mentioned at the top of the episode. One of the most common blockers you shared—the thing keeping you from speaking like a senior leader—was this:

“I’m afraid I won’t say the right thing.”
 “I won’t have the right data.”
 “I won’t have the perfect answer ready in the moment.”

Totally understandable. But you need to understand that: There is no such thing as the “right” thing to say. It's literally impossible to know if you'll have the "right" answer, because just like your confidence fluctuates, other people's emotional states fluctuate too. Your boss might be having a terrible day because of budget pressures you know nothing about. Your colleague might be frustrated about a completely unrelated project. The executive you're presenting to might be distracted by a board issue that has nothing to do with your work. What lands with someone depends just as much—if not more—on their emotional state, not your delivery.The person receiving your communication is dealing with their own stuff – frustrations, politics, competing priorities, personal stressors.

You could come in with the cleanest narrative, perfect pacing, airtight logic—and still get a flat or even hostile response. Not because you did anything wrong. But because you’re not the only variable in the room. 

This is why part of developing real authority at work means learning to manage not just your own emotions, but also being able to act and be okay with whatever reaction you get back from others. You speak up because the message needs to be shared, not because you can guarantee how it will be received. You present your analysis because it's valuable information, not because you can control how people will respond to it.

This is where real authority starts to show up. It’s not just about staying calm—it’s about being psychologically steady.
It’s about knowing that a raised eyebrow doesn’t mean you blew it.
That a tense reply isn’t your cue to shut down.
That you can expect friction and still keep the conversation open.

The pros—the ones who actually speak like senior leaders—don’t just prepare content.
 They prepare for reactions.

They go in with a plan for how to re-engage someone who’s pushing back.
 They know how to pause instead of panic.
 They’ve got phrases in their back pocket to disarm defensiveness, to clarify intent, to steer the conversation back to strategy when it derails.
 Not because they’re unshakeable robots. But because they’ve learned this one key truth:

Your job isn’t to control people’s reactions.
 Your job is to communicate with clarity in spite of them.

And ironically? When you stop gripping so tightly to needing the perfect response…
 That’s when you actually start sounding like someone who belongs in the room.

Myth: Confidence Involves Being Pushy, Loud, and Aggressive

Truth: Confidence requires assertiveness, but is often understated. 

We've all seen the stereotype: confident people are portrayed as gregarious fast-talkers who hold their heads high and can instantly command a room through sheer force of personality. They speak the loudest, take up the most space. And this can lead you, especially if you see yourself as what I call a Sensitive Striver to think that you’re not cut out for leadership.

The bravado and outgoingness…that is one version of confidence, and often it's the least effective. If you think about the most respected leaders you've worked with. I'm willing to bet they weren't the ones dominating every conversation or making themselves the center of attention. They were probably the ones who spoke thoughtfully, listened carefully, and had a quiet certainty about their perspectives and decisions.

Real confidence – the kind that builds lasting authority and influence – is often understated. It's not about being the loudest voice in the room. It's about being willing to speak up for what you believe is right, even at the risk of rejection or pushback. It's about having the courage to share an unpopular opinion when you think it's important for the team to hear it.

This kind of confidence requires being humble enough to learn from others without making it mean you're inferior. You can say "I don't know" or "You make a good point" without feeling like you're diminishing your authority. In fact, leaders who can admit knowledge gaps and incorporate others' perspectives are seen as more credible, not less.

It means accepting your mistakes without chastising yourself or self-sabotaging. When you mess up – and everyone does – you acknowledge it, learn from it, and move forward without the dramatic self-flagellation that actually draws more attention to the error than necessary.

Quiet confidence shows up in your ability to advocate for your needs and set boundaries without being aggressive about it. You can push back on unrealistic deadlines, request additional resources, or decline non-essential meetings without turning it into a confrontation. You state your position clearly and stand by it without needing to justify it extensively or apologize for having needs.

Perhaps most importantly, this kind of confidence means giving yourself praise and validation instead of constantly seeking it from others. You can recognize your own good work without needing immediate external confirmation. You don't fish for compliments or require constant reassurance about your performance.

This is actually what executive presence looks like in practice. It's not about commanding attention through volume or charisma. It's about having a grounded sense of your own value and being able to communicate that value clearly and consistently, regardless of how others respond.

The irony is that quiet confidence often has more impact than loud confidence because it feels more sustainable. People trust and gravitate toward those who can hold their own without needing to dominate or diminish others.

If you're someone who's been told you're "too quiet" or that you need to "speak up more," the solution isn't to become someone you're not. It's to develop the skills to express your natural thoughtfulness and insight in ways that others can hear and value. 

So let’s do a quick review, today we’ve been talking about how building confidence is NOT the only or best way to build your authority at work. 

Myth #1: You have to feel confident to take action. Truth: You have to take action to feel confident. 

Myth #2. Confidence is Achieved Through Epic Success. Truth: Confidence is achieved through small wins

Myth #3: Confidence Equates to Unwavering Self-Belief. Truth: Confidence Fluctuates Depending on the Circumstances

And Myth #4: Confidence Involves Being Pushy, Loud, and Aggressive. Truth: Confidence requires assertiveness, but is often understated. 

So I hope through everything I’ve shared today you are seeing that Confidence isn't a switch you flip. It's the natural result of having systems and strategies you can rely on. And this should a relief! It makes it a lot less mysterious and a lot more attainable than you might have thought. Instead of waiting for some magical transformation of your personality or emotional state, you can focus on developing specific, learnable skills.

And if you want the roadmap to start building those skills, join us for my FREE live training "5 Steps to Speak Like a Senior Leader" happening July 16th 3pm ET. This is where I'll give you the overview of the exact system my clients use to go from being overlooked to being sought out for bigger projects and better roles. It’s totally free, and yes a replay will be available but you have to register. So head to melodywilding.com/training to grab your spot. I will see you there and I’ll catch you on the nex episode!