The baseball great Pete Rose has been permanently banned from the sport for betting on the outcome of his team's games while he was a manager. However, his defense is -- and has always been -- that he only bet on his team to win. Therefore, his incentives as an individual gambler and team manager were aligned. Controversy aside, I love the idea of betting on yourself. Not only does it exhibit the confidence that -- all things being equal -- you believe that you can win, but it also increases foc...
Jan 20, 2022•3 min•Ep. 95
Over the past two years, there have been wide-spread, systematic attempts to restrict, suppress, and censor misinformation and lies. Unfortunately, this approach is problematic, because the suppression of dialogue that reveals truth is actually much more dangerous than the dissemination of lies. While circulating lies can certainly cause harm, it's not really possible for them to gain a foothold in the collective consciousness if the truth is also circulating. And the best way to facilitate the ...
Jan 17, 2022•4 min•Ep. 94
In a scarcity mentality, we lose what we cling to in fear because we believe it to be preferable to the nothingness we assume would take its place. Developing an abundance mentality necessitates that we cultivate greater trust in the universe to provide opportunities to fulfill our needs and desires. In this episode, I discuss an example of scarcity mentality in my own history and how I learned to have faith in abundance.
Jan 14, 2022•4 min•Ep. 93
The town liar lies. That what the town liar does. If you go to the town liar to hear the truth, it's your own fault if your feelings get hurt over being lied to. Much of the frustration and disappointment we're subject to experiencing with respect to the behavior of others boils down to our refusal to accept certain aspects of reality. In this episode, I'll discuss tactics for dismantling the cognitive distortions that can sometimes prevent us from seeing clearly.
Jan 11, 2022•3 min•Ep. 92
One of my personal pet peeves is indirect communication. This is because, as a communication strategy, it often seeks to protect the indirect communicator at the expense of the other party. After all, if you never actually ask for something, you can never be rejected, can you? In this episode, I'll discuss a simple, practical tactic you can use to retrain your indirectly communicating partner: the honest clarifying question.
Jan 08, 2022•4 min•Ep. 91
The general conceptualization of heaven is that it is a place of unremitting pleasure and comfort. However, it doesn't take much effort to understand that such an arrangement would likely prove unsatisfactory in the long run. In this episode, I discuss a personal conceptualization of heaven: as a series of challenges which we are pre-destined to overcome, but which present the plausible possibility of failure. We can't not win, but we must be made to believe we can lose for our own good.
Jan 04, 2022•5 min•Ep. 90
Occasionally, I'm confronted with the reality of needing to have a conversation with someone that I don't particularly want to have. And this can contribute to feelings of anxiety and dread. A tactic that I've developed to get through these situations is to simply "say my line." I pretend that I'm an actor who simply needs to say his line on cue in order for the plot to progress forward. I don't need to be charming or witty or attractive. I just need to move my mouth in order to do my part....
Jan 01, 2022•2 min•Ep. 89
All other things being equal, the older you get, the harder it becomes to make new friends. So how do you go about forming new friendships as an adult? I'll examine this question through the lens of "Persona 5," and excellent JRPG. In turns out this game has a fairly accurate blueprint on how to progress from casual acquaintance to intimate confidant. The keys are time, shared interests, and reciprocal self-disclosure.
Dec 29, 2021•6 min•Ep. 88
Control isn't the basis of a loving, long-term relationship, because control is ultimately disrespectful and unsustainable. The key to a respectful and enduring relationship is to hold the other like sand: not too loose, but definitely not too tight. Like sand, the tighter you attempt to hold others, the more they will slip through your fingers. Gentle support keeps more sand in your hands for longer periods of time.
Dec 26, 2021•2 min•Ep. 87
It's often the case that the solution to some of our most long-standing and intractable problems is incredibly simple. However, we are subject to creating unnecessary complexity as a defense mechanism in order to embed the problem in our lives. Much of my work as a therapist is the gradual and systematic dismantling of such unnecessary complexity to arrive at greater simplicity. This reveals two truths about simplicity: it isn't easy and it's a sign of mastery.
Dec 24, 2021•3 min•Ep. 86
One of the paradoxes of the human experience is that we are all both very, very big and very, very small at the same time. Humility is knowing one's proper size. This means that it is not simply an attitude to be cultivated in those who are more self-important than they really are. Humility must also be nurtured in those who -- in believing they are smaller than they really are -- withdraw from life and self-realization. Humility means understanding that you are not incapable of realizing your p...
Dec 22, 2021•4 min•Ep. 85
In a previous episode, "Be a ruthless gardener," I spoke on the importance of pulling up the negative thoughts that can proliferate in your consciousness like weeds without pity or remorse. However, if you do not attend to the soil -- the conditions from which the thoughts emerge -- you will likely be doing a lot of gardening in your life. By attending to your well-being and surrounding yourself with supportive relationships, you might not have to do as much work in the long run.
Dec 20, 2021•3 min•Ep. 84
The most popular belief concerning the origin of mental illness is that it is caused by imbalances in individual brain chemistry. However, there is actually little empirical evidence to support this hypothesis. A theory with more robust support is the stress-diathesis model, which basically states that psychological issues emerge when sufficient stressors converge on an individual to diminish their natural resilience. I will discuss further in this episode.
Dec 18, 2021•3 min•Ep. 83
If someone in your life has become unjustifiably critical, disrespectful, or unappreciative, it might be time -- at least for a little while -- to give them the gift of your absence. The key to doing this is to leave the relationship before you feel no longer capable of giving your best. When you do this, people might actually miss you and remember why they were in a relationship with you to begin with. However, if you complain and attack before leaving, then others will only feel relief when yo...
Dec 16, 2021•3 min•Ep. 82
The key to doing something you fear is cultivating a larger fear of not doing it. In this episode, I'll discuss this principle using an anecdote from my personal life about overcoming my approach anxiety. By remembering how badly I would feel after avoiding my goal, I was finally able to move forward in spite of my fear. This is a tactic that is widely generalizable.
Dec 14, 2021•4 min•Ep. 81
In the course of my clinical practice, I often talk with folks who struggle with discipline. They know what they "should" do, but -- when the time comes to act -- they find it difficult to resist the pull of learned behavior. In this episode, I briefly discuss the key to discipline, which I call "channeling your inner postman." See your commitment as a duty imposed upon you with the full force of a contractual obligation and surrender to that structure. Feelings have nothing to do with it....
Dec 12, 2021•3 min•Ep. 80
I speak to many stressed-out, burned-out folks in my clinical practice. And a common refrain from them all is that they're "too busy to rest." Supporting this statement is an underlying proposition that rest is a waste of time. However, this is a false and ineffective belief. Rather than view rest as "unproductive," I would like you to consider that it is an essential component of long-term success. I discuss more in this episode.
Dec 10, 2021•3 min•Ep. 79
Nowadays, it's very common for people to seek after passion in their work. Its absence is considered problematic and troubling. However, the origin of this word reveals the absurdity of this search: "passion" means "suffering." Consequently, those who seek after passion are not only inadvertently chasing after pain, but they are subject to discarding "passion-less" opportunities for stability and prosperity, as well. I'll discuss further in this episode.
Dec 08, 2021•4 min•Ep. 78
Most of us are in a process of becoming with respect to our professional development, as a career can take decades to construct. Therefore, it's extremely important that you examine whether you're on the right path to success before investing years of your life toward a given end-goal. And the easiest way for most people to do this is to ask: "do I want my boss's job?" Does the person occupying that position seem happy and fulfilled? If not, why do you believe you will be different?
Dec 06, 2021•3 min•Ep. 77
Dec 04, 2021•4 min•Ep. 76
As we move through life, it's almost inevitable that someone will become angry or upset with us in response to our behavior. However, hurt feels are not -- in and of themselves -- proof of transgression. If your own examination indicates that the behavior in question does not conflict with your moral or ethical beliefs, do not apologize. This can be taken as a confession of guilt and justify additional punishments from the aggrieved party.
Dec 02, 2021•3 min•Ep. 75
The idiom "to take offense" reveals a fundamental truth on the matter, namely: offense is taken , not given . Those who have had the misfortune of having an enemy -- someone who is acting deliberately provocative -- know that they can control their reactions, so as not to give the provoker the satisfaction. This indicates that we have agency in the decision to become offended -- and also that we needn't necessarily assume responsibility when someone else has decided to become so....
Nov 30, 2021•2 min•Ep. 74
People often say that relationships require compromise. However, in practice, this often amounts to the negotiated unhappiness of both parties. This is because the heart of compromise is always quid pro quo : I'll give up what I want now, and you'll give up your right to what you want later. An alternative to compromise is sacrifice, in which individuals choose to change in order to secure future benefit to themselves. Unlike compromise, there is no expectation that you will receive future consi...
Nov 28, 2021•4 min•Ep. 73
People want what other people want. This is because the interest of others generally serves as a proxy validation of the variable under study. And to the extent that validation is delegated across a diverse and independent network, this is actually a pretty reliable heuristic. In this episode, I'll discuss an anecdote on the topic from my personal experience and explain its relevance in professional negotiations.
Nov 26, 2021•5 min•Ep. 72
An approach-avoid conflict occurs when we want a relationship with a particular person at the same time that we are repelled by certain aversive or unwanted characteristics of that person. We don't want to give up what we want, but we also don't want to go after what we want. People can experience a great deal of emotional distress as a result of this ambivalence. In this episode, I'll discuss two tips for resolving these contradictory impulses: prioritizing what is over what could be , and maki...
Nov 24, 2021•3 min•Ep. 71
Many folks I talk to experience existential uncertainty. Not only are they unsure as to why they exist, but they often doubt that they should . In this episode, I extend the Disneyland metaphor used in a previous talk ("Life is like Disneyland") in order to argue that your existence is already justified by virtue of the very fact of that existence. It's very hard to sneak into Disneyland; it's even harder to sneak into being. So if you're in the park, you must have a ticket....
Nov 22, 2021•4 min•Ep. 70
We're all subject to passing through moments of extreme difficulty, when nothing seems to be going our way. In those times, it's very important to maintain a humble vantage point and to temporarily lower your conditions for victory. Seek out small wins and resist the temptation to judge yourself for doing so. Small wins are like the stars: they don't provide a lot of light, but it would be really dark without them.
Nov 20, 2021•2 min•Ep. 69
Humans need structure. This is because structure provides the opportunity for goal-directed behavior, which is one of the primary factors responsible for meaning and purpose. The issue is that externally-imposed structure is much easier for people to surrender to than is internally-imposed structure -- though the former is typically less fulfilling than the latter. In this episode, I'll discuss methods for improving your ability to create the structure that you can surrender to.
Nov 18, 2021•3 min•Ep. 68
When we're faced with an important decision, it's a good idea to perform due diligence: to collect information relevant to the situation and to forecast probable outcomes. However, the results of this analysis alone are never sufficient to produce the actual decision. This is because decision is an act of the will, and more closely aligned with emotion than with reason. The highest to which the rational mind can attain is the calculation of odds ratios associated with certain outcomes given spec...
Nov 16, 2021•3 min•Ep. 67
Other people have what we want, but may not give it to us. In this way, other people are both an opportunity to be seized and a problem to be solved. So what is the most effective way of dealing with them? Karen Horney's "Three Trends" model provides us with an excellent lens through which to view potential paths forward. According to her theory, we can either move toward others, move against others, or move away from others. In this episode, I'll briefly discuss each of these interpersonal stra...
Nov 14, 2021•4 min•Ep. 66
